Posted tagged ‘Masters jokes’

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Keeping Pace?

April 5, 2018

Okay, who had the Pacers being the only NBA team to sweep the Warriors this season?
(And I bet all you liars had UMBC over UVA too.)

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Millions of Americans were watching the Masters when it was interrupted by a movie clip from Tin Cup  #SergioGarcia

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Tiger Woods, after an opening round 73 left him tied for 29th at #TheMasters , said “I’m back in this championship.” Well, at least he’s back into having a good chance of playing after tomorrow.

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Kyrie Irving is out for rest of NBA season and playoffs. And with Celtics at #2, that Eastern Conference #7 seed just got a lot more appealing.

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Mid 30’s today at game time for #Twins home opener in Minneapolis today against #Mariners. Wow. That’s almost as cold as it was at Candlestick.

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Now Texans owner Bob McNair, who apologized for saying of NFL players “We can’t have the inmates running the prison” says he’s taking back the apology because he’s not sorry he said it. The best people….. #WTF?

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YouTube shooter bought her weapon in January; under California law she was limited to purchasing 10-round magazine. Imagine if YouTube was headquartered in Texas.

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So if border crossings are at a 46 year low, why do we need an expensive wall? Asking for a country.

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A Navy chaplain was fired after video showed him having sex with a woman at a New Orleans pub. Well, the post of White House Chaplain IS open….

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I really would have loved to be in law school class where they taught if your client is accused by a random porn star just pay the woman $130,000 of your own money but don’t tell the client.

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Trump’s latest lying rant – “In many places the same person in California votes many times.” Uh, if Dems were smart, and evil, enough to do that, wouldn’t you think they’d have had those multiple voters in swing states?

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Maybe if someone had tried to convince @realDonaldTrump that immigrants were trying to sneak into Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria he would have rushed and kept the National Guard there?

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Scott Pruitt is proving to have been so brazen and corrupt, Trump can’t decide whether to fire him or adopt him.

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So some of the same conservatives who defended Kevin Williamson seriously saying he would hang women who had abortions are flipping out over this joke from when Ellen Degeneres asked Kamala Harris: “If you had to be stuck in an elevator with either President Trump, Mike Pence or Jeff Sessions who would it be?”
And Kamala answered “Does one of us have to come out alive?”
#snowflakes

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It’s not easy being green

April 9, 2017

 

Sergio Garcia,, who’s been playing golf professionally for almost 20 years, finally won his first major tournament.

“Amateur” said Cubs fans.

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Uh oh, #Cubs win World Series, #Trump wins election & now #MapleLeafs make NHL playoffs. Maybe we really do need to prepare for apocalypse

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Uh oh, a Spaniard wins the Masters, and Englishman Justin Rose was second. Time for Trump to impose visa limits on foreign golfers?  Make American Golfers Great Again?

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So how long until Trump tweets that #TheMasters is all well and good but Augusta really can’t hold a candle to Trump courses?

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So how long until Tiger Woods returns to the Masters as a commentator?

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Mariners proved proved today that whatever SF Giants problems are this year, bullpen meltdowns are relative. (9-3 lead to Angels blown in 9th.)

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A Palm Sunday miracle has occurred. SF Giants left fielder has a base hit.  (first of the season, only took 7 games)

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Mike Krukow says “If you have a home run in the big leagues you can hit.” Some of us long-time baseball fans going, uh Mickey Lolich.  (He hit one home run, in the 1968 World Series. Not even sure he knows how.)

(And as my friend Daniel says, for you young folks, Bartolo Colon.)

 

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Cavs blew a 26th-point 4th quarter lead to the Hawks.  So do Atlanta sports fans feel a little better?  #notexactly

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Alas, anyone who works in a customer service field who saw last night’s #LouisCK hotel monologue on SNL knows he wasn’t exaggerating.

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NFL players James Harrison, NaVorro Bowman & Marshawn Lynch may face league discipline for being scheduled to participate in the Pro Football Arm Wrestling Championship in Las Vegas this weekend.
Joe Lockhart, NFL executive VP for communications & public affairs – “Had we been asked in advance if this was acceptable, we would have indicated that it was in direct violation of the gambling policy,”
Well, heck, heaven forbid anyone ever associates pro football with gambling.

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It would be nice to wake up some morning these day without bad news.” – The World. #Egypt

 

 

Apparently a Russian computer programmer, Pyotr Levashov, who has been suspected of being involved in U.S. election hacking attacks, has been arrested in Barcelona.
Wonder what the odds are of him dying of “natural causes” while in custody.

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Giants chicks don’t dig these long balls.

April 6, 2017

 

Jeff Samardzija somehow only gave up 24 home runs in 2016. Given 32 starts now on pace for 96 in 2017. #SFGiants

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In first 3 games,  SF Giants left fielders are 0-15 w/ nine Ks. Over-under on how many times Madbum has to offered to pinch hit?

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Kentucky sophomore Isaiah Briscoe has announced he will leave school for the NBA draft. Shocking many college basketball fans – One of Calipari’s Kentucky teams had a sophomore?

 

So can the LA Kings honor Don Rickles by putting his picture on a giveaway hockey puck?

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Can just imagine things tonight “You call this heaven? Those pearly gates are really looking tired.” #DonRickles

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RIP #DonRickles. Wonder if realizing he couldn’t keep up with Trump on insults finally killed him.

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The post Tiger Woods era. Headline “World’s #1 Player Drops out of Masters.” And millions of Americans go “Who?” #Masters

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#RyanHoward has signed a minor-league contract with Braves in hopes of making it back to big leagues. Hmm, about that SF Giants left field problem. Just how retired is #25?

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Just think how much fun he’ll be w/Lonzo in NBA. You can’t win no championship w/ 3 white guys..foot speed is too slow’ – LaVar Ball on UCLA

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Two week vacation for @TheDailyShow. This is not good. When Jon Stewart left we got Trump. #Whatsnext?

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Presale for “The Classic” concert Friday with the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Steely Dan, Journey, Earth, Wind & Fire and The Doobie Brothers runs from 10a to 10p. Wonder if there’s an early-bird special?

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Trump-“The world is a mess. I inherited a mess!” Guess somebody didn’t read too far down in the President job description.

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Russia’s Supreme Court has upheld banning Jehovah’s Witnesses as an extremist group. Who says there’s no USA-Russia common ground?

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The US just launched 50 Tomahawk cruise missiles against Syria. So did Trump push all the buttons or did he let Jared do it?

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Meanwhile, back at home, the night before “Equal Pay Day,” Trump signed an executive order canceling an Obama policy requiring federal contractors to give equal treatment to women. But Donald no doubt feels sure that when he creates more jobs for men, women won’t need to work?

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Trump defends O’Reilly, but had Bill Clinton’s accusers at Presidential debate. Guess it’s only harassment if a Democrat does it.

 

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A Secret Service agent was suspended for allegedly meeting a prostitute in a Maryland hotel. What is this world coming to? These men are supposed to protect the President and they can’t even figure out Tinder?

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Wednesday was  National Burrito Day.    Waiting for Trump to tweet taking credit for all the cheap gas.

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So now that a simple majority is enough for a win how do we do a retroactive Nuclear Option on the Electoral College

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The GOP does realize the Nuclear Option could eventually go both ways, right?

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Stay classy Ann Coulter, who tweeted today “Gen. Michael Hayden: N Korea will make nuke capable of hitting Seattle! Situation will be dire as soon as they can hit a city worth saving.”
Just guessing Ann might not want to venture into her local Starbucks any time soon.

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More classy. The NY Times reports after the 2nd Presidential debate that Trump sent a personal email to Jeff Zucker, the President of CNN “Jeff — Too bad you (CNN) couldn’t be honest with how well I did in the debate. The dumbest thing I ever did was get you the job at CNN — you are the most disloyal person. Just remember, I always seem to find a way to get even. Best wishes, Donald J. Trump.”
Question of the day, who will Trump attack first for this “leak” – the NYTimes or CNN?

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The wrong kind of splash hit?

April 10, 2016

Jordan Spieth’s 12th hole today at the  ‪#‎Masters‬ might have been worst the few minutes for top golfer in recent history not involving an Escalade.

 

‪#‎SFGiants‬ are heading to Denver, where rookie Trevor Story has hit 7h home runs in six games. Just guessing Giants’ hitters find this story a lot more fun than their pitching staff.

 

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So maybe it wasn’t so shocking that ‪#‎SFGiants‬ came back from a 5-0 deficit in the 1st. But that ‪#‎Cueto‬ went 7 and was winning pitcher?

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The Mets wear 1986 throwback jerseys today and promptly get beat by the ‪#‎Phillies‬. Time to throw the jerseys back?

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Great, now the Warriors season “Running down Bulls record” is “sponsored by American Express. And some wonder why kids get the idea sports is all about money?

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T.J.Ward is the second player on the Denver Broncos to publicly support Johnny Manziel joining the team, saying he would welcome the QB with “open arms.” So this brings up a two-part question – how talented is Manziel and how toxic is Kaepernick?

 

I know ‪#‎Yankees‬ rule the ‪#‎ESPN‬ world, but in April might have been a good weekend to have ‪#‎Dodgers‬ ‪#‎Giants‬ be the  ‪#Sundaynightbaseball‬ game.  (Yankees Tigers were rained out.)

 

Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians told coaches at a high school clinic that one of football’s biggest problems is “moms.” No joke. Saying our sport is “being attacked. It’s the best game that’s ever been f—ing invented. And we have to make sure that moms get the message, because that’s who’s afraid of our game right now. It’s not dads; it’s moms.”
Right, and the problem isn’t concussions either. Is Arians trying to prove he’s anti-woman enough to join the GOP race for President?

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Much talk now over an interview Laura Bush gave  “I want our next president—whoever he or she might be—to be somebody who is interested in women in Afghanistan and who will continue U.S. policies, adding that person should “pay attention to our history, and know what’s happened before and know specifically how we can continue to do the good things that we do around the world.”

Some interpret her words as saying she will vote for Hillary Clinton.  But hey,  if Trump and Cruz are the GOP choices, say what you want about W., but no one ever accused Laura of being that conservative. Nor bat-sh*t crazy.

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A Politico article asks “Can GOP Elites Really Turn Back the Clock in Cleveland?” Meaning, can they pick a candidate who never entered the primaries. Although would it really be that surprising? Most of the candidates who are and have been in the primaries want to turn the clock back for women to the 19th century.

 

If elected, how long until Donald Trump outlaws the Boston Globe?   globe

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Kings of the road?

April 9, 2016

The San Diego Padres have scored 0 runs in 3 games at Petco & 29 runs in 2 games at Coors.   Will hitters petition to play 2017 home games in Denver?

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‪#‎SFGiants‬ are experimenting with batting the pitcher 8th. ‪#‎MadBum‬ is making a strong pitch to bat at least 6th.

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Seriously, from ESPN, since 2014, Madison Bumgarner has hit a HR every 8.4 ABs at AT&T Park. Barry Bonds’ career AB/HR at AT&T Park: 8.8.
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So when his arm finally tires, will Madbum move to the AL as a  DH?
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Lip readers had a treat watching Kershaw after Madbum took him deep, again. “Are you f*cking sh*tting me?”

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Not that most announcers aren’t homers, but Golden State Warriors TV announcers spent much of the game complaining about foul calls their team wasn’t getting.  Then at the end of a 100-99 game when Lance Stephenson was hacked more than once…. crickets.

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Zach Johnson missed the cut at the Masters after a replay showed that his club accidentally touched the water when his ball was partially submerged and he was assessed a 2-shot penalty. And people think the balk rule is arcane.

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The cost of mailing a letter will drops to 47 cents starting April 10. And millennials are going “What’s a letter?”

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It’s been two days since the American Idol final finale. So have we all forgotten the name of the white guy with a guitar who won yet?

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LB Von Miller says if it were up to him, he’d have Johnny Manziel on the Broncos. Hmm, can you get concussions from being on Dancing on the Stars?

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Has Bernie Sanders just forfeited any claim to outsider status? He and his wife were seen attending a performance of “Hamilton.” Uh, even most 1 percenters can’t get those tickets.

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Cruz says he was “double-crossed” by Kasich in Michigan for delegate spots, Kasich’s campaign said the Cruz campaign broke their end of a deal first. Oh this horrible GOP on GOP violence. ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

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So as some in the GOP like to talk about Bill Clinton’s indiscretions while Hillary is running for president, it’s interesting to note that the Speaker who led the proceedings was having an affair, his replacement quit after news broke of multiple affairs, and then HIS replacement turns out of have molested at least four teenage boys. ‪#‎Familyvalues‬

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Young and old

April 12, 2015

Congrats to Masters’ champion Jordan Spieth. And how young is Jordan? The first people he hugs after his win are his parents.

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Arlo Guthrie is on a “50th Anniversary Alice’s Restaurant Tour.” Well, now you can still get anything you want, if you can remember what it is you wanted.

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Hillary Clinton today announced her candidacy for the Presidency. The speech was sponsored by Captain Obvious.

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Pence, Ishikawa, Cain, Peavy, Belt… Now the latest SF Giant to get injured this year was Casey McGehee last night with a strained knee. Has someone informed the team that “Eight Men Out” is not a desired goal for the home opener?

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The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim seem determined to dump Josh Hamilton. Well, if they’d eat most of his salary maybe the SF Giants should take a chance on him? ‪#‎poweroutage‬

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The NY Knicks and Orlando Magic, both lottery teams, combined for 15 points in the second quarter of Saturday night’s game. 15 points combined. Not a typo. And more than a few college one-and-dones suddenly thought, maybe staying in school another year doesn’t sound that bad.

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Anneget Raunigk, 65, of Berlin, already has 13 children, and is now 21 weeks pregnant with quadruplets, using donated sperm and eggs. Even the Octomom is thinking “Is she nuts?”

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On a brighter note, Raunigk should be transitioning to diapers about the same time she trains her toddlers out of them.

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Overhead (for real) at farmer’s market. Woman runs up to husband “Why are you in line here?”. He says “It was a long line. Figured their stuff must be good.”.

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There was a “fatal incident” Sunday at the Richard Petty Driving Experience at Walt Disney World in Orlando. The attraction, which was scheduled to close in late June anyway, allows tours to drive NASCAR at speeds of up to 165 mph. Let’s hope the victim wasn’t texting at the time.

 

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Rand Paul today, “Some of the hawks in my party, you can’t find a place on the globe they don’t want boots on the ground.” For a guy who can be bat sh*t crazy, Paul does have these astonishing moments of making sense.

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In Cleveland, a 3-year-old child apparently fatally shot a 1-year-old boy in the face. If only the baby had been armed.

 

 

 

A 2 year-old who fell into the Cleveland Zoo’s cheetah enclosure after being dangled over the edge by his parents is recovering. Apparently mom and dad went into the exhibit to rescue him, but as a local TV station reported “the cheetahs made no attempt to interact with the child or the child’s parents.” Making the big cats in this case, much smarter than the humans. #Cantfixstupid

 

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Marc Ragovin,  “What a remarkable display of golf at the Master’s. It left me …. Spiethless”

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EEE-ww

April 11, 2015

Eight errors for New York so far in five games. Time to refer to them as the YankEEEEEs?

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So the Red Sox and Yankees, after 19 innings Friday night, had the early game Saturday night for national television. Wonder how many people on the the East Coast went to bed, woke up and thought “My gawd, they’re STILL playing.”

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That 19 innings for the Red Sox and Yankees Friday lasted seven hours and five minutes, including a 16 minute power outage  delay.   And somewhere George Steinbrenner is thinking “Seven hours?  Why I hired and fired Billy Martin fast than that.”

 

The NY Yankees are trying to void $6 million contract bonuses for A-Rod for each person he passes on the all-time home run list, saying they are no longer “milestones”, and they are prepared to go to arbitration over it. This could end up better than “The War of the Roses.”

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Forget about hearts in San Francisco. The 2015 Giants appear to have left their bats in Arizona.

 

 

 

So the Atlanta Braves put a punctuation mark on their rebuilding year by trading All-Star closer Craig Kimbrel before the season even started. And they are now, 5-0?! ‪#‎Itsafunnygame

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Okay, so ‪#‎Madbum‬ is 1-1 with a 5.40 ERA. ‪#‎Kershaw‬ is 0-1 with a 5.84 ERA. ‪#‎Giants‬ ‪#‎Dodgers‬ ‪#‎Miserylovescompany‬

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Providence beats BU 4-3 in the ‪#‎FrozenFour‬ final. But who but me hears “Frozen Four” and thinks of the last ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans left during most late weeknight games at Candlestick.

 

And wonder how many parents hear “Frozen Four” and think ‘Dear Gawd, not MORE sequels.”

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Tiger Woods may or may not ever get back to the top of the golf world, and he may still have the biggest galleries. But Woods will never be as beloved as Phil Mickelson.

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Tiger Woods teaching his children not to swear would be kind of like Madonna trying to teach her children to dress appropriately.

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The Yankees are now 1-4. Of course, it’s early times, but how long until New Yorkers start looking forward to the Jets season?

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Why should the Yankees get all the headlines? – MLB announced that Mets closer Jenrry Mejia has been suspended 80 games after testing positive for stanozolol.

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Mets closer Mejia “I know the rules are the rules and I will accept my punishment, but I can honestly say I have no idea how a banned substance ended up in my system.” Got to be tempting for MLB to offer a 50% reduction in suspension to the first guy who says “I admit it, I blew it, they caught me.”

 

From  Marc Ragovin  –  “Reuben Flores of the NY Mets is the very definition of a shortstop. He stops the ball and all of his throws come up short.:

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From Gary Bachman; “There’s a campaign to put a woman on the twenty dollar bill. And ‘In God We Trust’ will be replaced by “You Go Girl.'”

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For those at FOX who want to get a jump on head explosions in advance of Hillary’s announcement tomorrow: “In my opinion, President Obama is an honest man.” Raul Castro.

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Burning not so bright?

April 9, 2015

Hard to be believe there will come a time when Tiger Woods retires, and ESPN will have to report who’s actually leading a golf tournament as opposed to how Tiger is doing on the course.

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The seven top Kentucky scorers are all leaving early for the NBA draft. But the WIldcats are still favored to win the NCAA championship in 2016. Seinfeld used to talk about rooting for laundry, heck, this is rooting for a recruiting class.

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President Obama visited the Bob Marley museum in Jamaica and commented that he “had all his albums.” Some in the GOP immediately responded “That’s it, proof that Obama’s a ‘stoner.'” Some in the younger generation responded “what’s an album?”

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We’re almost to the NBA playoffs, which don’t end up with a catchy name like “World Series” or “Super Bowl.” Guess there’s just not enough of a ring to “April-May-June Madness”

 

The Minnesota Twins have scored 1 run in their first 36 innings. Are they trying to become the official MLB team of Major League Soccer?

 

#‎TroyPolamalu‬ has retired. Many ‪#‎Steelers‬ fans will fly their hair at half mast.

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Well this should make for a fun locker room…. Last year Seahawks DE Michael Bennett called Jimmy Graham “one of the softest players in the NFL.” Now after Graham was traded from New Orleans to Seattle, Bennett said today in a radio interview “I still feel the same way, just because he’s on my team I don’t stop feeling that way.”

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An Icelandair plane enroute to Denver was hit by lightning. It landed 7 1/2 half hours later despite a hole in its nose. The aircraft will now be christened “Keith Richards.”

 

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Atlanta Hawks forward Thabo Sefolosha apparently fractured his tibia while interfering with police after the 4am stabbing of Indiana Pacers forward Chris Copeland outside “1 Oak.” Hmm, will the Knicks strategy to win next year involve giving opposing players nightclub passes?

 

 

From Marc Ragovin   “Seen in New York: “Welcome to Madison Square. Where the Rangers and Knicks have combined for one President’s Trophy””

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The Padres’ Ian Kennedy out with an injury while pitching in the third. Shocking, the 2015 SF Giants are capable of breaking a player who isn’t on their own team?

 

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Hard for SF Giants fans to watch Casey McGehee make 2 errors tonight, AND hit into a double play with runners at 1st and 3rd in the 9th. Although Mcgehee is hitting .294. And Pablo Sandoval is hitting .167. ‪#‎theoryofrelativity‬

 

From T.C.  – the groaner of the week.  “Cubs fans had to pee into cups as the restrooms at Wrigley Field were out of order on Opening Day. For those that drank more than a couple of beer, they needed to use a relief pitcher.”

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Chris Christie apparently is going to ratchet up his campaigning next week after falling in most polls. One of his NH supporters, Bill Greiner told CNN “John McCain was left for dead in 2007 and 2008, and look what happened. Gov. Christie is very similar to McCain.”
Does this mean the NJ Gov. will get the nomination and then pick a complete whack job for a running mate?

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On a serious note, just wondering, if they can put a camera and computer in a little phone, or a watch, why can’t they put a camera in a gun? Like a police gun. Like all police guns.

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Nothing lasts forever

April 14, 2014

But some things come close.

 

It’s only five days until Easter. Time to start trying to remember where you put the Marshmallow Peeps in storage?

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I don’t watch “Game of Thrones.” But it appears to be a show where you might want to turn down wedding invitations.

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After winning the Masters Bubba Watson headed to Waffle House. Unlike Tiger Woods, however, Watson actually went for the food.

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It was an exciting Masters golf tournament this year, except that neither Tiger nor Phil were there on the weekend. And ESPN executives said to their pals at CBS – “Now you know how we feel when the game of the week isn’t between the Red Sox and Yankees!”

 

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In Louisiana, Gov. Bobby Jindal has joined the state GOP chair in calling on Vance McAllister, who was seen on video kissing his staffer, to resign from Congress. Guessing we’re going to wait a long time for a statement on the subject from Senator David Vitter.

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Michael Phelps announced he is coming out of retirement, which means he could swim at the 2016 Rio Olympics. “Attaboy” said Brett Favre.

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If #MH370 wasn’t still missing wonder how many days CNN would devote to the #USAirways twitter fiasco?

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Someone in US Airways’ social media customer service department accidentally tweeted out a lewd picture in response to a customer comment.  Well, it will make for an interesting story when he or she gets asked “So why did you leave your last profession?”

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Delta refers to their extra legroom seats as “Economy comfort.” Fair enough. But they should call the rest of the plane by its true name – “Economy discomfort.”

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Newt Gingrich says Kathleen Sibelius was “right to resign” over the Obamacare website “disgrace.” Well, if anyone knows about resigning in disgrace….

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The Wisconsin GOP’s Resolutions Committee just affirmed the party’s support for “legislation that upholds Wisconsin’s right, under extreme circumstances, to secede.” Well, if the state can make this happen, can they take Arizona, Florida and Texas with them?

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Tony La Russa says he is surprised there haven’t been more “hiccups” with the new MLB instant replay. So how many blown calls did he expect in the first two weeks?

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Investigators hired by Chris Christie reported the N.J. Governor had tears in his eyes during a meeting after he first learned of the news report linking his aides to the the George Washington Bridge closure. Crying over their involvement, or crying over getting caught?

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A 14-year-old Dutch girl was arrested after sending American Airlines a tweet saying “hello my name’s Ibrahim and I’m from Afghanistan. I’m part of Al Qaida and on June 1st I’m gonna do something really big bye.” What was she thinking? Gal is WAY too young to be dating Aldon Smith.

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Really? John Calipari now says he would coach at Kentucky longer if the “one-and-done” rule was altered to keep kids in school at least two years. Maybe he thinks if players stay twice as long he’d have half the chance of getting caught for recruiting violations?

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Gary M on the woman who was dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food.

“If only she’d been wearing her heels…”

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Legends in their own minds.

April 14, 2013

On tour in Europe, Justin Bieber took time to visit the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam and wrote in the guestbook: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber,” Well, that should do wonders for Justin’s self-obsessed reputation.

 

 

One silver lining for some adults in Justin Bieber’s guestbook comment saying he hoped Anne Frank ‘Would Have Been a Belieber.”   At least they now have a reason other than Justin’s music to dislike him.

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Two Chicago Cubs pitchers tied a record with 5 wild pitches in a inning today against the SF Giants Mitch Williams wants his nickname retroactively changed to “Not-so-wild-thing”

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So we’re finally almost to the NBA playoffs. But it’s a little hard to get excited at the beginning of a postseason that will last longer than a Kardashian marriage.

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So Mark Sanford has won his Congressional primary, Anthony Weiner is reportedly thinking of running for mayor of New York? What’s next, a comeback for John Edwards?

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Sen. Marco Rubio now said today that immigration reform will actually be tougher on “illegal aliens” than the current law. Yep, Rubio’s had so many positions on this issue he MUST be running for President.

 

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George W. Bush’s daughter Jenna gave birth yesterday to his first grandchild, a daughter. So what will it be, about 40 years before the little girl runs for President?

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Apparently Rutgers is close to hiring Los Angeles Lakers’ assistant Eddie Jordan as their new men’s basketball coach. Makes a certain amount of sense, the Lakers might be the only team at this point where moving to Rutgers would mean less of a circus.

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Carlos Quentin dropped his appeal Sunday dropped his appeal and will begin serving his 8-game suspension Monday in Los Angeles and will miss the Padres-Dodgers series.  See, these Stanford boys CAN be smart.

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With as hot as the Braves are and as lousy as the Marlins are, wonder if Miami will be eliminated before the All-Star break?

 

At 935am April 15 in Sydney, Adam Scott became the first Australian winner of the Masters.   Just what Aussies need, a reason to drink on a Monday morning.

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And so Tiger finished four shots back,  but no way of knowing, had he not had the 2-shot penalty, might Woods have played a little differently and had a chance to end up at least in the playoff?

Who knew a simple phone call could have been almost as damaging as Elin wielding a 9-iron.

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From T.C.   “If Tiger had won, or came within 2 shots, this tournament will be marked with a Masterisk.”

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And Gary M. wondered if   “All this hoopla about Tiger’s ball drop,  may escalade into something really big.”

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The ring’s the thing?

April 14, 2013

Nate Schierholtz got his World Series ring before the Giants-Cubs game today. The game was almost delayed when Wrigley stadium security had to X-ray this unknown and thus potentially dangerous object.

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So someday will they make a movie like 42 about the first openly gay ballplayer. And will the prejudice seem as archaic?

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A YouGov survey found that more Americans support universal background checks for guns than like apple pie and kittens. Of course, if President Obama came out with a resolution to honor apple pie and kittens, the GOP would filibuster it.

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A Carnival cruise ship picked up 13 Cubans off a raft 40 miles from Key West, and after feeding them turned the refugees over to the U.S. Coast Guard. On the one hand, how disappointed the Cubans must have been to come so close. On the other hand, with Carnival being their taste of the U.S., maybe Cuba won’t seem so bad.

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Terrebonne Parish, a small town in Louisiana wants to ban “sagging” or wearing pants below the waist and exposing their underwear.  While they’re at it, can they add a spandex codicil?

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Tiger Woods was assessed a two-shot penalty in the Masters for breaking an arcane rule that could have resulted in disqualification. He remains in the tournament because of another arcane rule. You don’t disqualify Tiger Woods.

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So not sure what the Masters people want now. If Tiger Woods comes back today many will say it’s another example of him overcoming adversity, others will say he should have been DQ’ed. The only sure winner? CBS #Ratings.

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A New York heiress allegedly stabbed her life coach with a fork — just six months after she was arrested for choking her sobriety coach. Even Lindsay Lohan is thinking “this woman is out of control.”

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A man was shot and killed this morning in a San Francisco Nob Hill apartment in what may have been a domestic dispute. These days in the city that prompts two reactions: 1. That’s horrible. 2. So, does this mean the apartment will become available?

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California Speaker John Perez says at Democratic convention that the state of Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon now has a Democratic majority. Of course to be fair Reagan and Nixon these days would be too liberal to be Republican.

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From Bill Littlejohn:   JaMarcus Russell may be planning a comeback? The only possible bigger comeback would be if they found Atlantis.

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LA LA land.

April 13, 2013

The Republican National Committee today passed a strongly worded resolution opposing same-sex marriage and urging the Supreme Court to uphold DOMA. Got it, guns don’t hurt people, gay marriages do…..

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Another thought about the base-brawl in San Diego:  Somewhere Barry Bonds has to be thinking – “Wow, there’s now a guy who’ll get booed in Los Angeles more than I ever did….”

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Carlos Quentin, suspended for eight games. Thinking he might serve it out immediately. As the San Diego Padres are playing the Dodgers in Los Angeles next Monday….

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So if Nolan Ryan gets tired of running the Texas Rangers, maybe he can open a clinic to teach pitchers self defense skills?

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Meanwhile ESPN reports sources saying Alex Rodriguez paid a former Florida drug clinic employee to prevent the release of potentially damaging documents. Remember the days when MLB was hoping A-Rod would break Bonds’ home run record? 🙂

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Another disaster for the Los Angeles Dodgers. First Greinke gets hurt. Now Kershaw has given up a run.

(actually 3, but 2 were inherited runners a reliever let score.)

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Bummer for Kobe Bryant with a probable torn ACL. Means he probably will miss playing for the Lakers in the playoffs – all five or six games.

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A new survey says that for the first time in more than six years, the number of Americans who say things are going well in the country has reached 50%. Guess this won’t be something the GOP blames on Obama.

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Uh, really? Ann Coulter thought this was a funny thing to say? ”MSNBC’s Martin Bashir suggested that Rep. senators need to have a member of their families killed for them to support the Dem’s’ gun proposals. (Let’s start with Meghan McCain!)” Wonder what Ann would say if someone made a joke about shooting her.

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(For that matter, what would Ann, or Fox News have said if some Democrat made a joke about shooting any child of a Republican leader.)

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At the Masters today China’s 14 year old star Tianlang Guan was assessed a one-stroke penalty at the 17th hole for slow play. It would be very un-PC to make an Asian driver joke here.

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Lindsey Vonn is in Augusta cheering Tiger on at the Masters. And presumably making sure Woods doesn’t head out for a pancake breakfast by himself.

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The times they are a changin’

April 10, 2012

Great final round at Augusta yesterday. A complete reversal from 1997, when a black man won the Masters, and Bubba was in the White House.

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Got to hand it to Ozzie Guillen. The guy reigns amongst sports figures for getting into the most trouble while still both avoiding arrest and keeping his pants on.

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Just added to the Miami Marlins ballpark giveaways in 2012? A commemorative Ozzie Guillen mouth gag.

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Two New Jersey men have filed a petition challenging President Obama’s place on the Democratic primary ballot because they claim he is not a natural-born citizen. And Snooki and the Situation responded “Wait a minute, and we’re supposed to be the stupid ones?”

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Marlins pitcher Mark Buerhrle apparently sliced the thumb on his pitching hand while opening a jar of mayonnaise. “I came in to make a sandwich and they said ‘You know we have people who can make sandwiches for you,’’’ Buehrle said. “(I said) ‘I’m a grown man, I can make my own sandwich.” Well, apparently not.

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Four-hit shutout for the SF Giants’ Barry Zito against the Colorado Rockies. WTF? Next thing someone will be trying to tell me the Mets are 4-0.

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Are New Yorkers going from Lin-sanity to DeMEnTSia?

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How improbable was Barry Zito’s shutout. In his post-game interview you almost expected to hear him thank “My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

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Actually, maybe God was behind Zito’s gem today. I mean, who else in the San Francisco area has done a better job of getting people on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ.”

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Even Jamie Moyer was thinking that it was time for Barry Zito to hang it up.

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Some wonder if Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino can survive the scandal resulting from his motorcycle crash involving his 25 year old assistant and the “inappropriate relationship.” Survive as football coach anyway. Petrino is now pretty well set up for running for Governor of Arkansas.

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Rick Santorum’s daughter is in the hospital, and Mitt Romney’s campaign is pulling its negative ads in Pennsylvania. Saying “We have done this out of deference to Sen. Santorum’s decision to suspend his campaign for personal family reasons,” (That and, “we think we’re winning anyway and this is a good way to save money.”)

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From Marc Ragovin: “So Mike Wallace has died. His funeral will take place immediately after the conclusion of the Raiders/Chiefs game, except on the west coast, where it will be held at its regular time.”

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Can you hear me now?

April 6, 2012

Jim Marshall, known as “The Father of Loud,” for inventing the Marshall amplifiers beloved by rock and roll guitarists, has died at the age of 88. What’s that you say? Can’t hear you……

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Mitt Romney today accused President Obama of spending “too much time at Harvard.” Now, Barack Obama spent three years at Harvard Law School. But Mitt himself got a JD/MBA at Harvard….and it took him four years. Sounds like he’s picking up Rick Santorum’s disdain for math.

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Not saying Masters’ galleries are white, but they look like they’ve just come from watching a GOP debate.

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Overheard at the Masters – “Is that Tiger’s gallery, or a waitress convention?”

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Mitt Romney says that Augusta should admit women members. Great. So who says the GOP is anti-female. At least Mitt supports the rights of rich women to pay $10,000 yearly dues to play golf.

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In a Masters practice round, Martin Kaymar scored a hole in one by skipping it off the pond. It was the most impressive water feat at Augusta since Tiger used to walk on it.

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A Los Angeles area woman was arrested for driving on a freeway while texting and holding her baby daughter in her lap, (along with having a two year old and four year old also in the car with no seat belts or carseats.) Presumably she was also listening to a CD by Britney Spears?

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Van Gogh Vodka announced a new Peanut Butter and Jelly vodka. If James Bond wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

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The Chicago Cubs blew a 1-0 lead in the 8th to lose their opener 2-1 to the Washington Nationals. Is it time to break out the “Wait until 2013” shirts?

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Alex Rodriguez has started posting on Facebook. Presumably A-Rod just found out he could “like” his own posts.

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Hmm, hope no one has an audio tape of our girls Powderpuff Football locker room meeting before the Juniors vs. Seniors game back at Lake Brantley High School in Florida. Remember very clearly the coach’s instructions to us girls playing defense “Explode, penetrate, KILL.”

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Costa Cruise Line says their bookings are up this Easter compared to 2011. Makes some sense I guess, travelers are also flocking to Titanic anniversary cruises.

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Rupert Murdoch’s UK Sky News says that their computer hacking was “in the public interest.” I think I like “I committed adultery because I felt so passionately about this country” better.

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On the subject of the 49ers’ Kyle Williams “The thing is, he had four concussions, so our biggest thing, was to take him outta the game.” “We were just like ‘We gotta put a hit on that guy.'” Quotes from Bountygate? No, the New York Giants, bragging after their 2011 playoff game when Williams fumbled twice.

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from my friend Gary Bachman: Data from the 1940 US Census has just been released to the public. To give you an indication how long ago that was, Barack Obama wasn’t yet born and Mitt Romney had yet to be built.

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It’s Monday and already it’s a long week.

April 12, 2011

The World Champion San Francisco Giants have really been struggling on defense for the first ten games of the season. Maybe the team should leave their World Series rings off when they take the field?

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Latest redundancy: Struggling New York Mets bullpen.

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Poor Rory McIlroy – on the brink of his first major championship, he inexplicably just couldn’t put the ball where he wanted it. On a brighter note,   Rory has been offered an honorary degree from Butler.

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from Marc Ragovin:  “I’m not saying that Rory McIlroy is young, but he looks like he should be playing with Chevy Chase and Ted Knight.”

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The NFLPA has suggested that players may not want to attend the NFL draft ceremony to show solidarity with locked out veterans. Cam Newton, however, has announced he will be there. Can’t imagine how Cam got a reputation for being a selfish egoist.

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CNN says this is “breaking news.” – Mitt Romney says he formed an exploratory committee as a first step in a potential run for GOP presidential nomination. With all due respect, when has Mitt ever stopped running?

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Go figure, the Mormon is the only serious male candidate in the race who’s only had one wife.

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The Marlins look more than respectable this year, the Rays look woeful, but the real headline sports story opening week in Florida? A quarterback controversy after the Gators’ spring scrimmage in Gainesville. (That lousy attendance for both teams isn’t just their stadiums.)

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Two former University of San Diego basketball players and an assistant coach are amongst nine people who  have been indicted for allegedly taking a bribe to influence the outcome of a game against UC Riverside. What’s most shocking? People actually bet on a game between USD and UC Riverside?!

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Open question to Tea Party members: So if we are going to slash spending, which foods should the FDA and USDA stop inspecting and regulating? Meat, fruit, vegetables? All of them? Should we just put all producers and growers on the honor system?

And while we’re at it, slash the FAA inspection budget too. It’s not like planes are falling apart in the sky or running into each other on the ground…… Oops, never mind.

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Young and Old Masters.

April 11, 2011

Congratulations to the Giants’ Buster Posey. Not only did he receive his “2010 Rookie of the Year” award Sunday, it was announced that he and his wife are expecting twins later this year.  Guess this proves that, appearances to the contrary, Buster has reached puberty.

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Must have been fun for anyone texting about the Masters today. Since so many phones have “predictive spelling” can’t imagine how anyone managed to spell “Charl” without it turning into ‘Charlie.”

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(Tacky time)  Tiger may not have won today. But it must have been nice to hear the conversation turning back to his performance with holes on a golf course.

 

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One semi-silver lining for New York Mets fans after a really rough afternoon. Rory McIlroy’s collapse was a bigger story on Sportscenter than that of the Mets’ bullpen

Of course the difference is that most people assume McIlroy will get better.

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A new biography of Steve Jobs will be out next year. And then a few months later a pocket-sized version will be available. And then one you can attach to a keychain. ((Magnifying glass presumably included.)

 

 

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While Sarah Palin won’t directly address the “birther” issue, she said of Trump’s new focus  -“I appreciate that the Donald wants to spend his resources in getting to the bottom of something that so interests him and many Americans.” Wonder if Palin would say the same thing if he wanted to investigate alleged ethics violations from her time as Governor of Alaska?

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One sign that Major League Baseball is in midseason form. The Fox “Game of the Week” Saturday afternoon – Yankees-Red Sox. The Sunday night “Game of the Week” on ESPN – Yankees-Red Sox. (Note to Bud Selig – maybe viewership might be higher during the post-season if most of America had actually seen any but their local teams and the Yankees-Red Sox during the season

(As my friend Scott Brady points out, for variation there is always Red Sox-Yankees.)

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Regarding Manny being Manny, and his retiring rather than face a 100 game suspension for a second failed drug test:  Is the penalty doubled for the second positive test as a stiffer punishment?  Or as an additional penalty for stupidity?

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Opening week trivia question – which Major League Baseball park holds the most fans?  (No fair Googling it.)  And which holds the least?  It used to be Fenway, but there is now one that is  smaller.  (And there are three parks where they close off some of the seats until and unless the team gets to the postseason, but I’m not counting those.)

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Frozen Four.

April 10, 2010

For the uninitiated the Frozen Four is the title for the NCAA’s hockey championship, this year held at Ford Field (home of the Detroit Lions).

Some things the Frozen Four is not…

Nancy Pelosi and her girlfriends having a post-Botox treatment lunch.

Anything involving Hillary Clinton and three of her colleagues.

The last remaining fans at a Candlestick Park extra innings game.

The last remaining fans at Wisconsin’s 8-1 drubbing of the Rochester Institute of Technology.

(and yes, who knew the Rochester Institute of Technology had a hockey team. Heck, until a few weeks ago who knew Butler had a basketball team?)

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Most Americans won’t really pay any attention to the Frozen Four final game tomorrow night, which is between Wisconsin and Boston College. Now, if the winner could only play against some international team that wanted to win really badly, and the U.S. team could beat them, well, then Americans could care. For at least fifteen minutes.

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Anybody else watch the latest Nike – Tiger Woods commercial and half-expect to hear the voice of James Earl Jones intoning “Tiger, I am your father.”

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Italy’s Matteo Manassero, age 16, has now become both the youngest person to play at the Masters, and the youngest to make the cut.

16 years old?!!! There are probably a dozen whiskies in the Masters’ clubhouse bar older than that.

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Prince Charles’ wife Camilla apparently broke her leg yesterday. Wonder how many furlongs she was running?

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Former 49ers star Jerry Rice threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the San Francisco Giants’ home opener today. The Oakland A’s thought of asking JaMarcus Russell to do the same, but they didn’t have enough liability insurance.

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President Obama stated he “really had no response” to Sarah Palin’s criticizing his agreement with Russia restricting nuclear weapons. “Because last I checked, Sarah Palin’s not much of an expert on nuclear issues.” And Palin responded indignantly “But I can see the missile silos from my house.”

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Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring at the age of 89. And Brett Favre commented, “So young!”

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And a tacky finish. Sandy Lyle, 52 years old, had a great first round at the Masters, and a horrible second round. In fact, he went from a 69 to an 86.

Probably just my sick mind but doesn’t going from a 69 to 86 sound like a short version in numbers of Tiger’s extracurricular activities leading to him being fired from most of his endorsement deals?

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A few Masters thoughts, etc.

April 13, 2009

Conversation heard across America at offices on Monday morning:  Hey, did you see who won the Masters after Phil and Tiger flamed out?

 Yeah, me neither.

 

Nothing against all the worthy golfers in the playoffs, but wasn’t the Masters’ ending kind of like watching  the NBA finals if the Lakers and Cavaliers had been eliminated in the first round??

 

But for Americans who like to cheer for people they haven’t been paying attention to all year…here come the Stanley Cup Playoffs…

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Usain Bolt, 22, of Jamaica, has just admitted smoking marijuana in this youth.  In homage to Saturday Night Live “I’m really shocked,” said absolutely no one.

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Although at meets within Jamaica, can “non-use” of marijuana be considered performance-enchancing?

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Doritos has just come out with  “late night” flavors of their tortilla chips. Seriously.  The flavors are “Taco” and “Jalapeno Poppers.”  Presumably that allows them to get one flavor each endorsed by Usain Bolt and Michael Phelps.

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And just apropos of nothing.  Except the budget deficits faced across the country by states including California.  Marijuana remains illegal in this country…and the last three Presidents have admitted to smoking it.  (As did the children of the two who preceded them.)

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