Posted tagged ‘Los Angeles jokes’

State of disunion?

January 13, 2016

More politics than sports today.  But unless you were in Oakland, St. Louis, San Diego or Los Angeles, not exactly a big sports day.  Anyone who really doesn’t like our President can stop reading today’s post now 🙂  (or make a snarky comment, I am all for free speech.)

 

Seems odd to see Paul Ryan at the State of the Union, with John Boehner gone it means that on the podium Obama is now the only person of color

 

#‎Obama‬ talked a lot about civility, and hope & being good citizens. Waiting for Trump to say he doesn’t want America to become soft.

 

Amazing how many people who knock Obamacare are politicians and pundits and other professionals who’ve never had to worry about health insurance in their lives.

Know not all my friends will agree, but today I was reminded of why I supported Senator Barack Obama a decade ago in the first place. ‪#‎SOTU‬

I hope all Republicans who don’t like the idea of President Obama’s empty chair at the State of the Union to represent the victims of gun violence were equally upset at Clint Eastwood’s chair talk at the last GOP convention.

The Family Research Council has invited Kim Davis to attend tonight’s State of the Union. Amazing. Now, I know they’re a conservative group, but no doubt they had at most a couple of tickets – and the person they most want to honor is someone who simply refused to do her job?

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The Powerball jackpot is looking to be over $1.5 billion. Wow. In a few years that will be about enough to cover the Dodgers payroll.
New Vegas odds for the 2016-17 College Football Championship: Alabama 6/1, Clemson 7/1, Oklahoma 7/1, Ohio State 10/1,Baylor 12/1, Florida State 15/1, LSU 15/1, Michigan 15/1, Notre Dame 15/1, Tennessee 15/1
No university west of the Central time zone. I am shocked, said nobody paying attention. ‪#‎whatlatenightgames‬ ‪#‎wehavelatenightgames‬?”

NFL owners voted today between Los Angeles stadium proposals and on which teams will occupy that new stadium. Discussions were reportedly heated. Oh, this billionaire on billionaire violence.

The ‪#‎Rams‬ are coming back to ‪#‎LosAngeles‬. Until they decide new stadium isn’t good enough & and they can get more $$$ to go somewhere else

 

All this chatter in Northern California about Oakland “winning” with the Raiders. Uh, not exactly. It’s like your significant other decided to leave you for someone else, but then their future partner decided that he or she got a better offer.

So was this ‪#‎NikkiHaley‬‘s speech to run as vice president? ‪#‎SOTU‬

 

I would believe the GOP a lot more on their interest in healthcare reform if any of them had done a damn thing about it when they controlled Congress and the Presidency. Ditto helping the middle class, etc.

 

Apparently Kim Davis sat “stony-faced” during the SOTU when Obama said that “America has secured the freedom in every state to marry the person we love.” Well, yeah, because the four-times married Davis believes the President’s actions somehow have hurt heterosexual people’s freedom to have as many weddings as they need to get it right?

“DH, we don’t need no stinkin’ DH”

August 16, 2015

Biggest problem right now for SF Giants manager with Madison Bumgarner?  Getting his ace left hander to shut up about possibly pinch hitting.

Yeah, so  Zack Greinke‬ pitched 7 innings of 1 run baseball w/ home run. Madison Bumgarner‬ just called & raised him. Shutout, home run & RBI double.

So Madison Bumgarner’s worst outing of the year was in Washington, D.C., July 4, when he allowed six runs in five innings against the Nats. Think Madbum was just a bit p*ssed off when he took the mound today?

Madison Bumgarner has four home runs for the year. And in the SF Giants broadcast booth Duane Kuiper is trying not to cry.

(for non baseball fans. Kuiper had a 12 year career in MLB – one home run. Total.)

Costumed characters hustling for tips in Times Square have become a New York tradition. The newest trend, near-naked women wearing only thongs and red, white and blue body paint. Wonder how many fathers are volunteering to do reconnaissance missions to make sure the area hasn’t become too inappropriate for children

Oscar Pistorius will be released from jail this week after serving 10 months for killing his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking he got off easy.

Tim Tebow is back. But don’t laugh. At this point he’s still a more realistic potential NFL quarterback than Donald Trump is a realistic potential President.

So Trump is going to pay for a border wall by taxing all Mexican visitors to the U.S.? And what exactly is he going to do with all those crazies from Canada, eh?

Freshman QB Ricky Town. who had verbally committed to Alabama but decided to go to USC after the Trojans hired Steve Sarkisian, is transferring to another school. Apparently ,while highly touted, Town didn’t turn out to be the best freshman QB in spring camp.

So Karma is either a Crimson Tide fan, or just in mean bitch mode.

The Cubs lost today. But before the game Chicago manager Joe Maddon said he wasn’t changing his socks during the team’s 9 game win streak. Maybe the superstition helped. But at least it probably assured Maddon had a row to himself on the team plane

How often does a golfer go -17 for a major tournament and end up in 2nd place? ‪#‎JordanSpieth‬ ‪#‎JasonDay‬ ‪#‎PGA‬

Donald Trump said that illegal immigrants in this country “have to go.” Wait…. does Trump have a visa for that furry thing that lives on his head?

Brewers manager Craig Counsell and players told a Milwaukee paper that if now openly gay David Denson, now playing for the team’s rookie league, makes it to the big leagues, he will be welcome.

Bringing to mind the great quote from Willie Mays, who when asked a few years ago if a gay player would be welcome in a major league clubhouse, simply responded “Can he hit?”

San Diego gave QB Philip Rivers a $65 million guaranteed contract. The Chargers are throwing money around like they’re a Los Angeles team already.

Mike Huckabee says he supports Paraguay’s decision to deny a 10 year old rape victim an abortion. “Let’s not compound a tragedy by taking yet another life.” And of course that poor girl should have government assistance and health care including mental health care so her own life isn’t ruined…. Oh wait, government dependency should end at birth.
I believe the British have the correct term here – “f*ckwit.”

From T.C  “The Guinness Book of World Records is reporting that the world’s oldest cat is age 26, named Corduroy and lives in Sisters, Oregon. Skeptics call BS, and say it’s all just a ploy to get a dentist out of hiding.”

Troubled water?

August 12, 2015

In an effort to conserve water, Los Angeles poured almost 100,000 four-inch black plastic “shade” balls over their reservoir. So the city doesn’t have the Raiders yet, but the “black hole” is ready

This Donald Trump-Megyn Kelly back and forth bickering is getting so bad, you’d think they used to be married to each other.

So since Fox News got such kudos for the tough questions at the first GOP debate, clearly the pressure is on CNN for October with the Democrats. And since he’s not doing anything, can I suggest as a moderator Jon Stewart?

Billy Joel, 66, and his wife Alexa, 33, have welcomed their first child, Della Rose. Wonder how long until Billy and Della can compete in their first father-daughter diaper derby.

Uzbekistan Airways says they will start weighing passengers at the airport, and on some flights they may need to “exclude” larger passengers. U.S airlines are no doubt studying the idea, not to exclude heavier travelers but to charge them extra.

Not that it affects me anymore, but what is this “back-to-school” crap in mid-August? Used to be Labor Day. Seems un-American to make kids go to class in the summer. ‪#‎justsayin‬

 

Donald Trump said that when Bernie Sanders let ‪#‎BlackLivesMatter‬ protesters take his microphone that Sanders “showed that he’s weak.” As opposed to the Donald himself whose mantra is simply ‪#‎MyLifeMatters‬.

The Buffalo Bills have claimed IK Enemkpali off waivers after he was released by the Jets for punching Geno Smith. Guess coach Rex Ryan just wants to make sure he has one defender who can hit?

 

An ESPN poll of more than 100 currently players found that 72% believe that Brady and the Patriots deflated footballs, but only 58% DON’T believe the Patriots cheat. Translation, sounds like there are a lot of teams messing with balls.

An SF 49ers season ticket holder is suing the team over a new policy which makes it harder on fans trying to sell unused tickets by requiring most sales to go through Ticketmaster.

Wonder how long it might take for 49ers season ticket holder to sue the team over it being harder to sell unused  tickets because of the product on the field.

Major layoffs have started with the Kraft-Heinz merger. Hope Heinz 57 isn’t a goal for remaining number of employees.

 

Seriously hoping for the best for ‪#‎JimmyCarter‬.. Absolutely our best ex-president. No joke.

 

Lots of accolades for former President Jimmy Carter today after his cancer announcement. But for those who just think Habitat for Humanity and vague do-good human rights stuff, four words – google “Carter guinea worm.”

 

From Bill Littlejohn, “So now, we have a wild controversy involving Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly of Fox News.With all of that hairspray involved, shouldn’t the NFL also be investigating a helmet-to-helmet collision.”

LA LA land.

April 13, 2013

The Republican National Committee today passed a strongly worded resolution opposing same-sex marriage and urging the Supreme Court to uphold DOMA. Got it, guns don’t hurt people, gay marriages do…..

Another thought about the base-brawl in San Diego:  Somewhere Barry Bonds has to be thinking – “Wow, there’s now a guy who’ll get booed in Los Angeles more than I ever did….”

Carlos Quentin, suspended for eight games. Thinking he might serve it out immediately. As the San Diego Padres are playing the Dodgers in Los Angeles next Monday….

So if Nolan Ryan gets tired of running the Texas Rangers, maybe he can open a clinic to teach pitchers self defense skills?

Meanwhile ESPN reports sources saying Alex Rodriguez paid a former Florida drug clinic employee to prevent the release of potentially damaging documents. Remember the days when MLB was hoping A-Rod would break Bonds’ home run record? 🙂

Another disaster for the Los Angeles Dodgers. First Greinke gets hurt. Now Kershaw has given up a run.

(actually 3, but 2 were inherited runners a reliever let score.)

Bummer for Kobe Bryant with a probable torn ACL. Means he probably will miss playing for the Lakers in the playoffs – all five or six games.

A new survey says that for the first time in more than six years, the number of Americans who say things are going well in the country has reached 50%. Guess this won’t be something the GOP blames on Obama.

Uh, really? Ann Coulter thought this was a funny thing to say? ”MSNBC’s Martin Bashir suggested that Rep. senators need to have a member of their families killed for them to support the Dem’s’ gun proposals. (Let’s start with Meghan McCain!)” Wonder what Ann would say if someone made a joke about shooting her.

(For that matter, what would Ann, or Fox News have said if some Democrat made a joke about shooting any child of a Republican leader.)

At the Masters today China’s 14 year old star Tianlang Guan was assessed a one-stroke penalty at the 17th hole for slow play. It would be very un-PC to make an Asian driver joke here.

Lindsey Vonn is in Augusta cheering Tiger on at the Masters. And presumably making sure Woods doesn’t head out for a pancake breakfast by himself.

Dodger dogs,

September 11, 2012

Congrats to Andy Murray for his U.S. Open win. Might be the closest thing we get to a top American male tennis player for a while. (Hey, at least he speaks more or less the same language.)

AP headline: “Foul smell reported across Southern California.” Insert Los Angeles Dodgers joke below:

From my Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein:  “The Dodgers always play their best baseball when they aren’t even scheduled to play. Had day off, but picked up a half game on the Giants, Cardinals, and Braves, plus widened lead on the Pirates. They should just take the rest of the season off.”

Asked about the upcoming Missouri Senate race, Todd Akin said “I’m totally in.” But is he LEGITIMATELY in?

A TMZ report says that Kanye West so liked Kim Kardashian’s sex tape that he “has used it in the bedroom to get him in the mood with girls… and it always worked.” And some people think that  gay relationships are ruining society.

You get the sense Fox is just not that fond of the Left Coast. The headline on their video of Sunday’s record tying field goal – “Watch David Akers’ 63-yard FG against the 49ers.

After all the talk about the national party platforms, how about this line from the Texas GOP platform? “We oppose the teaching of Higher Order Thinking Skills (values clarification), critical thinking skills and similar programs.” Maybe Rick Perry was right about secession.

At New York’s September 11 memorial ceremony, only families of the victims will be allowed to speak, and all elected officials will be silent. Wonder who has the job of muzzling Rudy Guiliani?

 

 

If anyone doesn’t mind a few profanities, okay a LOT of profanities,  it might be worth a few minutes to read Vikings’ punter Chris Kluwe’s full response to that idiot Maryland legislator who was upset about a Ravens player defending gay marriage.

For a small sample,  the line of the piece just might be that “I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.”

(this being America, wonder who has the “lustful cockmonster” t-shirt franchise?)

http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it?tag=chris-kluwe

The Once and Future Kings.

May 22, 2012

So who expected this in 2012. What’s the difference between the Clippers and the Lakers? About 24 hours.

As the Thunder rolled, how many disappointed Los Angeles sports fans thought back earlier this spring, well, at least we’ll have the Kings?

Another question, who had the Kings as the last team playing this spring in the Los Angeles Staples Center?   Okay, all of you liars put your hands down.

Yahoo has named Ross Levinsohn their fifth CEO in four years. At this point the only job with less security in the SF Bay Area is coach of the Oakland Raiders.

 

The Dodgers have put 5 position players on the DL in the last two weeks, and have won 10 of their last 12. If they get a few more injuries Los Angeles could really run away with the division.

Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, an avowed anti-big government conservative, received $75 million in loan guarantees from Rhode Island to move his video game company there in 2010. Now the company is failing and the state is on the hook. Once again, government waste = money that doesn’t directly benefit ME.

The next time Schllling rants against Democrats, hope someone tells him to put a bloody sock in it.

In California, Congression candidate Andy Caffrey, who has a medical marijuana prescription, has promised that if he wins, he’ll smoke a joint — “right on the steps of Capitol Hill.” Uh, maybe he should pass the joint around. Might get more bipartisan agreement if they were all stoned.

Last week a Romney interview in the National Review praised Meg Whitman, and said she would be a better governor for Calif. Jerry Brown. The same day a story broke that Meg’s new company, HP, was going to lay off 30,000. (And somewhere Mitt is thinking, and the problem with that is…?)

Four suspects were arrested after beating up a man Sunday after the Los Angeles-St. Louis baseball game in the Dodger Stadium parking lot. (The victim is in stable condition.) To be fair, the accused are almost certainly not real Dodgers fans, otherwise they would have been gone after the 7th inning.

The Coast Guard has picked up 160 bales (about 7,000 lbs) of marijuana, floating off the coast of Southern California. In related news, fisherman in the area report great luck by baiting their hooks with Doritos.

A jersey worn by Babe Ruth sold for $4.4 million. Apparently it still has a mark on it from when the Babe was hit by a pitch from Jamie Moyer.

Dick Cheney will host a fundraising event at his home in Jackson Hole, WY for Mitt Romney. Mitt wasn’t sure the former V.P. was willing to help, but Cheney reputedly said, “Sure, he’d take a shot at it.”

According to the DOT the 17 biggest U.S. airlines collected $3.36 billion in checked bag fees in 2011, down slightly from $3.4 billion the year before. Although they carried more 1.3% more psgrs than in 2010. This news surprises absolutely no one who has watched the musical chairs game for the overhead bins during boarding.

From TC  – (Jay Leno used almost an identical line tonight, wonder if he saw it in comments this morning on last night’s post):   “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg married his long time girl friend Priscilla Chan. They have already left for their honeymoon in Farmville.”

Not ready for prime time?

May 16, 2012

Not saying Los Angeles doesn’t deserve a good hockey team, but….NBC Los Angeles did a story about the Clippers, Lakers, and Kings all being in the playoffs…. and they used the logo for the NBA’s Sacramento Kings instead of the NHL’s Los Angeles Kings.

 

Meanwhile down in Anaheim, the disappointing Angels rank 12th in the American League in runs this season. Fans are shocked, there are two teams scoring less runs than the Angels?

(answer, yes, Seattle and Oakland. as of today.)

.

Thomas Williams,   Catholic priest, author and television personality,  has admits fathering a child “several” years ago.   The Vatican’s reaction, embarrassment, but relief that at least his transgression involved an adult woman.

Husband grumpily reading resumes tonight.  Open note to job seekers:   If you really want an interview,   it’s a good idea at least to  use spell check on your cover letter.     (Really.)

As the second Roger Clemens trial drags on, and on, a juror was removed for falling asleep. Sounds like they lost the smartest guy in the jury pool.

 

 

Then later ANOTHER Roger Clemens juror fell asleep during the trial and was removed today. (Yes, two of them.) The remaining jurors are adding to their resumes “Ability to watch paint dry.”

(as my comedy-writing friend Jerry Perisho says “Note to self, falling asleep will get you out of jury duty.”

U.S. stocks fell again on worries about the Greek debt. So when is Romney going to call for an invasion of Greece?

 

Derrick Rose had successful ACL surgery and will be out about 8-12 months. Which means he’ll just barely miss the last round of the playoffs.

Manny Pacquiao said President Obama’s views on gay marriage are a “direct attack on the morals of society and the will of God, saying that “America should be the model of morality for other countries to emulate.” Right, and who in the U.S. are better to judge standards of morality than professional athletes?

Mitt Romney is alleging a “personal beef” between the Clintons and President Obama. And Mitt should know about these things – he has such warm relationships with his fellow Republicans….

Mitchell Guist,, star reality TV star from “Swamp People,” died yesterday in Louisiana. Many Americans responded with “That’s sad news.” Even more Americans responded “What the heck is Swamp People?””

An AP/CNBC survey of 1000 Americans said 46% of respondents think Facebook will fade away, and 43% believe the site will be around for a long time. Of course, it took the pollsters over 5000 calls to get that many answers, as most people were too busy updating their Facebook accounts.

Jerry Brown thought  California was $9 billion in debt but says now the state is  really $16 billion in debt.   Is he running for election or for CEO of JPMorgan.

Even after he apologized for the company’s $2 billion trading loss, shareholders just approved JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon’s $23 million pay package at the bank’s annual meeting. And just try being a week late with your Chase credit card payment.

Pacers 78-Heat 75.  Okay,  it’s only game one.   But might this be the first May in memory that we have a big sporting win in Indiana – that has nothing to do with lots of very fast left turns?

Blue Jays third baseman Brett Lawrie spiked his helmet after a bad 3rd strike call in the bottom of the 9th, and it hit the umpire. So he’ll probably be suspended. At least this probably won’t happen in San Francisco or Anaheim. These days in that situation those teams wouldn’t hit anything.