Posted tagged ‘Roger Clemens jokes’

Trial and Errors.

June 19, 2012

A lesson from the Roger Clemens trial, if you are going to take something illegal, make sure your supplier is sleazy enough that no matter how tarnished your reputation gets, you still stay more credible than him.

In a jailhouse phone call, George Zimmerman urged his wife to buy a bulletproof vest. Shame no one told Trayvon Martin to get one too.

The REALLY rich are really different. Witness Ann Romney’s dressage horse Rafalca, now going to the Olympics. And somehow the Romney’s claimed a $77,000 tax deduction in 2010 for their share of the horse’s care and feeding. No joke.

(I’m trying to figure out how to write off my cats.)

A  recent NY Times/CBS News poll found that 75 % Americans believe Supreme Court justices have their decisions influenced by their political beliefs. Shocking. That means 25% actually think they don’t.

Rielle Hunter now claims she wrote a tell-all book about her relationship with John Edwards just because their daughter Frances should have “have one entirely truthful public account of how she came into the world.”  Or at least enough money for years of therapy.

Sounds like Rielle’s book will if anything make John Edwards look even worse than he does now.  Somewhere Elizabeth has to be smirking.

You think you had a bad travel day. A tourist from Wales had his car break down in London near the Houses of Parliament, left a note that a towing company was on the way, and went to go sightseeing in the meantime. Anti-terrorist police, however, saw the car, deemed it a security risk, and blew it up. (Oh yeah, and he also got a parking ticket.)

Roger Clemens was found not guilty today. Only good thing you can say about this expensive complete snafu from our government, at least unlike the WMD fiasco, nobody died.

Ah, priorities. Urban Meyer’s contract at Ohio State provides a base salary of $700,000; a “transition” payment of $250,000; $1,850,000 a year for “media responsibilities” and $1.4 million a year from OSU’s Nike contract. Now, the team’s GPA last year was 2.8. Meyer gets $50,000 if they raise it to a cumulative 3.0 GPA.

The prosecution has rested in the Jerry Sandusky trial. Wonder if they convict this sleazeball if the jurors will say “You had me at ‘showers.'”

Part of Jerry Sandusky’s defense is having another Penn State assistant coach testify that other coaches also showered with boys. What were they running at State College, a football program or a Catholic priory?

President Obama has apparently selected John Kerry to play Mitt Romney in practice debates. Well, and who better to give Obama practice against someone who has taken both sides on most issues?

The Rolling Stones say they will perform their very last farewell gig at ­Glastonbury in 2013.   And if the band changes their mind afterwards, they can claim they forgot their promise.


Not ready for prime time?

May 16, 2012

Not saying Los Angeles doesn’t deserve a good hockey team, but….NBC Los Angeles did a story about the Clippers, Lakers, and Kings all being in the playoffs…. and they used the logo for the NBA’s Sacramento Kings instead of the NHL’s Los Angeles Kings.


Meanwhile down in Anaheim, the disappointing Angels rank 12th in the American League in runs this season. Fans are shocked, there are two teams scoring less runs than the Angels?

(answer, yes, Seattle and Oakland. as of today.)


Thomas Williams,   Catholic priest, author and television personality,  has admits fathering a child “several” years ago.   The Vatican’s reaction, embarrassment, but relief that at least his transgression involved an adult woman.

Husband grumpily reading resumes tonight.  Open note to job seekers:   If you really want an interview,   it’s a good idea at least to  use spell check on your cover letter.     (Really.)

As the second Roger Clemens trial drags on, and on, a juror was removed for falling asleep. Sounds like they lost the smartest guy in the jury pool.



Then later ANOTHER Roger Clemens juror fell asleep during the trial and was removed today. (Yes, two of them.) The remaining jurors are adding to their resumes “Ability to watch paint dry.”

(as my comedy-writing friend Jerry Perisho says “Note to self, falling asleep will get you out of jury duty.”

U.S. stocks fell again on worries about the Greek debt. So when is Romney going to call for an invasion of Greece?


Derrick Rose had successful ACL surgery and will be out about 8-12 months. Which means he’ll just barely miss the last round of the playoffs.

Manny Pacquiao said President Obama’s views on gay marriage are a “direct attack on the morals of society and the will of God, saying that “America should be the model of morality for other countries to emulate.” Right, and who in the U.S. are better to judge standards of morality than professional athletes?

Mitt Romney is alleging a “personal beef” between the Clintons and President Obama. And Mitt should know about these things – he has such warm relationships with his fellow Republicans….

Mitchell Guist,, star reality TV star from “Swamp People,” died yesterday in Louisiana. Many Americans responded with “That’s sad news.” Even more Americans responded “What the heck is Swamp People?””

An AP/CNBC survey of 1000 Americans said 46% of respondents think Facebook will fade away, and 43% believe the site will be around for a long time. Of course, it took the pollsters over 5000 calls to get that many answers, as most people were too busy updating their Facebook accounts.

Jerry Brown thought  California was $9 billion in debt but says now the state is  really $16 billion in debt.   Is he running for election or for CEO of JPMorgan.

Even after he apologized for the company’s $2 billion trading loss, shareholders just approved JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon’s $23 million pay package at the bank’s annual meeting. And just try being a week late with your Chase credit card payment.

Pacers 78-Heat 75.  Okay,  it’s only game one.   But might this be the first May in memory that we have a big sporting win in Indiana – that has nothing to do with lots of very fast left turns?

Blue Jays third baseman Brett Lawrie spiked his helmet after a bad 3rd strike call in the bottom of the 9th, and it hit the umpire. So he’ll probably be suspended. At least this probably won’t happen in San Francisco or Anaheim. These days in that situation those teams wouldn’t hit anything.

Another title bites the dust.

July 15, 2011

The latest, Georgia Tech was put on four years probation by the NCAA.  The school was also fined $100,000 and stripped of it’s 2009 ACC football title game victory.

So which BCS committee is going for the honest approach first, and renaming their game “The Asterisk Bowl”?

While a number of athletes were in attendance at last night’s ESPY awards, none of the Miami Heat showed up. It was just like a NBA finals fourth quarter.

One good thing about “What me worry” useless MLB commissioner Bud Selig, he’s pretty hands-off as far as hijinks. If Brian Wilson was subject to the authority of No Fun League commission Roger Goddell, he’d need to set up a line of credit for the fines.

Another thought about Brian Wilson’s spandex formal wear at the ESPYs. Thank God he didn’t convince Prince Fielder or C.C. Sabathia to come with him wearing the same outfit.

The judge who declared the mistrial in the Roger Clemens case felt he had no choice as prosecutors had disobeyed his instructions about inadmissible evidence for a second time. Amazing incompetence. Were these clowns doing this in hopes of getting jobs some day prosecuting celebrities in Los Angeles?

From Marc Ragovin:  I’m not saying that the prosecutor in the Clemens case purposefully took a dive, but Roger was just credited with his first intentional walk.

The scandal involving Murdoch newspapers and illegal eavesdropping etc just keeps growing. Apparently one of them tried to infiltrate John McCain’s presidential campaign communications. But no one could decipher the smoke signals.

Sarah Palin on the debt ceiling issue – “it’s the time to reload and we reload with reality.” This could be the first time “Sarah Palin” and “reality” have appeared in the same sentence.

(Although on another subject, clearly that criticism after the Tucson shooting of Palin’s using the crosshairs imagery with her opponents didn’t bother her too much.)

Norwegian Cruise Line is now offering pizza delivery 24/7 on their ships, for an extra charge of $5 per pizza. Apparently for all those people who can’t make it on twelve meals a day.

Netflix, owner of one the most popular brands in the U.S., decided in a down economy to raise their prices 60 percent. This could go down in history as the smartest marketing decision since “New Coke.”

The scandal involving Murdoch newspapers and illegal eavesdropping etc just keeps growing. Apparently one of them tried to infiltrate John McCain’s presidential campaign communications. But no one could decipher the smoke signals.

Some are saying that Tim Pawlenty’s refusal to sign the anti-gay, anti-porn, anti-choice “Family Leader” pledge may doom him in Iowa. Since when did being intolerant to the point of “bat sh*t crazy” become a requirement for potential GOP Presidential candidates?

And this is just tacky, but what the heck.

Brian Wilson was a major hit at the ESPY awards. Most Americans haven’t seen such an impressive beard since Katie Holmes.

A not so keen grasp of the obvious?

August 20, 2010

Researchers have found that the disease that killed Lou Gehrig may not have been “Lou Gehrig’s Disease.” Responded former President George W. Bush – “See, I KNEW it was a hard question.”

My son, Carey Schwartz, heard this line on this morning’s ESPN Sportscenter “by the way, all 3 of Jason Heyward’s walk-off hits this season have come at home.”


Roger Clemens was indicted today on perjury charges for lying to Congress. When will they ever learn? You just cannot get away with lying on Capitol Hill – unless you’ve gotten there by being elected.

Clemens’ lawyer has said that the fact that his client voluntarily testified before Congress without being subpoenaed is proof that he is innocent. Not necessarily, it could also be proof that Roger is stupid.

One thing for sure, it doesn’t look like Roger is any “Rocket” scientist.

The SF Giants’ Aaron Rowand, batting .246, got a very warm reception when he finally played in the third game of the series against the Phillies in Philadelphia. Partly because Philadelphia fans remember him fondly, but probably even more because the Phillies weren’t stupid enough to pay $12 million a year to keep him.

Open note to these players like Adrian Peterson or Albert Haynesworth who seem to have trouble with their teams regarding showing up or being in shape for training camp: There’s a simple solution – just say you might be retiring, then show up when you please and get nothing but gratitude.

An American Airlines flight from San Francisco to JFK was delayed by a “verbal threat.” Either that or it was all a misunderstanding. The bomb on board the caller may have been referring to was the in-flight movie “The Last Airbender.”

Bedbugs have now apparently bitten people in two New York City movie theaters. And all over the city men are telling their significant others “Honey, you know I’d love to see ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ with you, but I just don’t want you to be hurt”

Besides disorderly conduct and creating a nuisance, apparently prosecutors are going to charge Jersey Shore’s star “Snooki” with being “criminally annoying.” If they can get a conviction on that last one, think we can indict Brett Favre and Lebron James next?

President Obama really missed his chance with this whole religion thing. A simple statement would have been “Of course I’ve been praying to God regularly for years. I’m a Bears fan. Remember Rex Grossman?”

Marc Ragovin, on the fact that Prosecutors were only 1 for 24 in their chargers against Rod Blagojevich. That’s about as good as Mets hitters with men in scoring position.