Posted tagged ‘Urban Meyer jokes’

High crimes and misdemeanors?

December 29, 2015

Ohio State RB Ezekiel Elliott says now he didn’t know his driver’s license had been suspended and “I’m doing everything I can now, my dad is doing everything he can now to get that handled and get my license back in good standing.” Uh, just guessing but maybe his dad taking care of things has been part of the problem?

The San Diego Chargers fined Eric Weddle $10,000 and placed him on IR for staying on the sidelines to watch his 7 year-old daughter perform at halftime instead of being with the team on Dec. 20 against Miami. Really, if he had only been in the locker room surreptitiously watching porn on his phone instead…..

Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine says he will ” have a conversation” with Johnny Manziel after the QB’s most recent social media partying post. What, and tell Manziel if he does this 5-6 more times there will be serious consequences?

 

The Olive Garden at Times Square, with a “limited view” of the ball drop, is charging $400 for a New Year’s Eve buffet with open bar. Which basically means about $10 for the food, $40 for the drinks, and $350 for a bathroom.

Former New York Gov. George Pataki is dropping out of the race for the GOP Presidential nomination. All together now – “who?!”

Whole Foods has settled with New York over allegations of overcharging and will pay the City $500,000. Wonder how much the store will have to raise prices to cover the fine?

Theater today advertising special ‪#‎StarWars‬ themed pet toys for furry friends who can’t come to movie with you. ‪#‎maythefarcebewithyou‬ ‪#‎overthetop‬?

 

Not a spoiler but anyone but me think  for all the talk about ‪#‎CarrieFisher‬ she’s aged better than ‪#‎HarrisonFord‬? ‪#‎TheForceAwake

 

Now Trump has retweeted a photo-shopped picture of Jed Bush supposedly picking his nose. So guess we have the answer to the question “Can his campaign get any more sophomoric?”

 

Dallas Cowboys owner and GM Jerry Jones on Tuesday says he doesn’t plan any major changes going into 2016. Which is awesome news. For comedy writers and the rest of the NFC LEast.

Steve Harvey is being a good sport about his Miss Universe flub. And it’s paying off for him. Why, I’ve heard Harvey has been asked to come to New York for the New Year’s Eve 2014 Ball Drop.

“Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch and his mother were apprehended today in Puerto Vallartta. Now here’s an interesting question – how many undocumented Mexican immigrants do we have to allow to stay in the US before Mexico would agree to keep him?

Now that “Affluenza” teenager Ethan Couch has been nabbed, waiting for some Mexican politician to say Mexico needs to tighten their borders because Americans are clearly not sending their best.

So apparently the “affluenza” teen and his mom were caught in Puerto Vallarta when they used their cellphone to order a Domino’s pizza. This has to be a ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ X 2. One, for not realizing a cellphone can work as a tracking device, two, all the money in the world and you order pizza from Domino’s?!!

Deja vu all over again

December 29, 2015

 

Apparently ANOTHER video of Johnny Manzel drinking and partying has surfaced, this time from Christmas Eve in someone’s home. These regular pools are getting too easy – congrats to anyone who has the November 21-December 24 exacta.

Maybe not a moment of silence for the great  Harlem Globetrotters’ Meadowlark Lemon – wouldn’t it be more appropriate if we all hummed a few bars of “Sweet Georgia Brown?”

Hope watching the Philadelphia 76ers this year gave ‪#‎MeadowlarkLemon‬ some last warm memories of the Washington Generals.

 

Ohio State star RB Ezekiel Elliott, the team’s leading rusher, was cited after a “minor car crash” yesterday in Columbus in which one passenger sustained minor injuries. The citations were for “driving under suspension, driving without a license and failure to control his car.” An OSU spokesman said the incident will not affect Elliott’s status for the Fiesta Bowl Friday. “I am shocked” said nobody who knows Urban Meyer.

A former N.J. police officer who admitted to having sex with multiple women on duty, including inside his car, now is contending that he shouldn’t have been fired over the trysts. And so will he also demand a retro-active bonus for multitasking?

A 21 year-old Dartmouth College swimmer has died at a YMCA pool after trying to complete four laps underwater without surfacing to breathe. Awful for his family, but proof again that IQ points are no deterrent from a Darwin award.

Aroldis Chapman, under investigation for a domestic violence incident where he admitted to firing a gun several times in his garage, has been traded to the Yankees. Well, that ought to make the Bronx Bombers even more popular outside New York.

 

The four top seeds in the NFL playoffs may be the Patriots, Cardinals, Bengals and Panthers. Are we sure those last three aren’t a sign of the apocalypse?

#‎NFL‬ arrests are down this year. Still, always seems a bit odd to hear referee after the coin toss say “Good luck, gentlemen.” ‪#‎Gentlemen‬?

Former Louisiana State Representative and KKK Leader David Duke says that while he likes Donald Trump, “I don’t agree with everything he says, he speaks a little more, actually he speaks a lot more radically than I talk.” ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬ ‪#‎nottheOnion‬.

Holland America Line says that “Dancing with the Stars At Sea” is going away. This news no doubt disappoints tens of thousands of women and about two men.

 

‪#‎AshleyMadison‬ says they have added 4 million new users since their July hack. Two words: death wish.

David Spade, one of that rare breed of Hollywood Republicans, is criticizing Barack and Michelle Obama for their appearances on reality TV, saying the President is “thirsty,” and “should have a little more dignity.”
So what’s next, Spade’s endorsement of Donald Trump?

In Toronto, police are looking for the driver of a Lamborghini who crashed into another car this morning, then was picked up by BMW and fled the scene. Hmm…..any chance that affluenza kid and his mom from Texas headed north?

(Breaking news just when i posted this, he may have been caught in Mexico.)

From Marc Ragovin:   “The NBA has suspended Memphis guard Matt Barnes two games for his role in a preseason fight with Knicks’ coach Derek Fisher. Asked if would appeal the penalty, the chastened Grizzlie said he would “just grin and bear it.”

Arms race

November 15, 2015

Well, that didn’t take long. Donald Trump says yesterday’s attacks in Paris would have been “a much, much different situation” had the victims been armed, Right. Because when a few civilians pulled out their guns and started shooting at perceived bad guys and others got confused and started shooting at them…. Yeah, it would have been different. A lot more deaths. Especially since all the attack sites served alcohol.

And so if Trump wants everyone armed. Would he ban alcohol at restaurants/bars etc. Or does he trust drunks with guns?
Meanwhile, the NFL says they will increase security this weekend at games. Let’s see, they already have metal detectors and you are only allowed clear plastic bags instead of purses? What else are they going to do? At least it’s a jobs program.
Thinking lots of people screaming now about the US Constitution are same ones who scream about the Bible – and they haven’t read either one.
For all the “close the borders permanently” folks: Yes, a Syrian passport was found on one of the Paris attackers, and it might have been faked  – but at least terrorist was a French national and some are reportedly from Belgium. And alas, we cannot close the Internet. ‪#‎itsnotthateasy‬
We can thank college football for distraction today, as J.T.Barrlett is leading OSU over Illinois. Dashcam footage of his DUI arrest has emerged, in which Barrett asks police, “I’m the quarterback of Ohio State. C’mon man. Officer, there’s nothing you can do?”
Sounds like it should have been more a statement than a question.

So the IAAF, track and field’s governing body has provisionally suspended Russia from all international competition, including the 2016 Olympics, over alleged doping. President Sebastian Coe – “This has been a shameful wake-up call, and we are clear that cheating at any level will not be tolerated.”

There’s cheating in track and field now? I’m shocked, shocked

Ohio State beat Illinois 28-3. If Urban Meyer knew it was going to be this easy he might have suspended J.T. Barrett for a whole two games.

So with all the complicated plays at Stanford’s disposal you’d think they’d still find time to work on the center to the quarterback snap?

In the 2009 Big Game, 2012 Fiesta Bowl, and today, ‪#‎Stanford‬ had a Heisman hopeful, and a game come down to a last play – Gerhart, Luck,McCaffery. And Harbaugh and now Shaw twice didn’t put it in that star’s hands. ‪#‎notbitter‬ ‪#‎moreimportantissues‬ ‪#‎stillcranky‬

So now that the glamour gal lost will we all go back to not caring about women’s UFC?  ‪#‎RondaRousey‬

TC points out that Greg Hardy had a ringside seat to the Holm-Rousey match. Well, Rousey couldn’t beat Holm but it’s a same she didn’t get a consolation round match against Hardy.

The awful Paris attacks had to be coordinated carefully for a period of time. Forget the gun issue for a minute. There’s been a lot of talk about Europe giving Edward Snowden asylum. Wonder how Europeans feel today about government surveillance of citizens.
And yes, I’m a liberal, and yes I think Snowden is a traitor.

Moving on.

November 3, 2015

Rough World Series for New York fans. Now they’ll have to go back to being disappointed by the Jets, Giants and Knicks.

There are rumors that Jimmy Fallon may have a worrisome drinking issue after three recent injuries. Hoping for his sake it’s not true…. but if it is, would NBC want Leno to come back as a temporary fill-in? Beginning to think the guy has more lives than a cat.

A woman who was a 2014-15 Alabama’s Teacher of the Year has resigned. This after she was moved from teaching 2nd grade to 5th, and then told she didn’t have the qualifications to teach fifth-graders. Shocking. Alabama has teaching qualifications?

Obama ordered federal agencies to “ban the box” in their hiring decisions, meaning they can’t ask prospective government employees about their criminal histories on job applications. Who says the President never does anything for Congress?

Activision-Blizzard is acquiring Candy Crush’s maker for $5.9 billion. $5.9 billions? Wow. In the days after Halloween aren’t you supposed to get a discount on candy?

Police have charged a Houston man with murder, saying he fatally stabbed his friend for taking the last piece of chicken at dinner. Your move, Florida, ‪#‎ifonlytheywerebotharmed‬

ESPN is reporting that the SF 49ers are benching QB Colin Kaepernick for Blaine Gabbert. Which is the NFL equivalent of rearranging desk chairs on the Titanic?

The SF 49ers have also shipped TE Vernon Davis to the Denver Broncos for future draft picks. Hardest thing for Davis at this point – wiping that sh*t-eating grin off his face as he cleans out his locker.

So besides being suspended for 1 game, Ohio State QB J.T. Barrett will lose his scholarship for the summer term after being arrested for DUI and trying to avoid a checkpoint (“backing without safety.”)
This punishment means that unless he pays tuition himself, Barrett will not be able to work out with the team over the summer, but his scholarship will resume next fall. Assuming J.T. doesn’t declare for the NFL draft. ‪#‎whosaysUrbanMeyerdoesnthavestandards‬ ‪#‎sarcasm‬

The EPA is saying now that Volkswagen SUVs also used cheating software to get around U.S. emission standards. Ah, for the good old days when the most corrupt people in the car business were simply some used-car salesmen.

Fox is now slamming CNBC for their non “substantive”” questions in the last GOP debate and saying they will do better in their next Fox Business debate. With more questions like this from the first Fox debate? “I want to know if any of [the candidates] have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first,”

Now Donald Trump’s campaign says they will negotiate separately and “directly with the host network to establish debate criteria that will determine Mr. Trump’s participation.”
Guessing one of the questions the Donald will not allow would be one about how he expects to work collaboratively with Congress and various world leaders.

Donald Trump also now says he turned down an invitation to be on the “boring and low-rated” Last Week Tonight with John Oliver .And the show responded on Twitter “Couple of points. 1. Yes, we have a boring show. 2. At no point did we invite Donald Trump to appear on it.
So at what point does Trump realize, if he offends every single media outlet, who’s going to cover his outbursts?

From Alex Kaseberg  “This Halloween, a kid came to our door dressed as Mets player, Daniel Murphy. At first he was a big hit, but then he kept dropping his candy.”

(And of course it would be perfect if the candy he dropped was rainbow skittles.)

Nothing is Urban Meyer’s fault

November 1, 2015

Ohio State starting QB J.T. Barrett, 20, was arrested for alleged DUI after police saw him trying to evade a checkpoint. Urban Meyer has suspended him for the Buckeyes’ game against Minnesota, Nov 7, but Barrett will be back for games against Michigan State and Michigan. Well, of course he will. ‪#‎UrbanMeyer‬

Great timing at least on the arrest of OSU’s starting QB, he will be back from his one game suspension in time for the mid-November release of coach Urban Meyer’s new book “Above the Line: Lessons in Leadership and Life.”

Kentucky coach John Calipari drew the order for today’s Breeder’s Cup Classic horse race. Makes sense, Calipari is a good fit with talented young athletes who don’t go to class.

So it wasn’t the  Triple Crown, but ‪#‎AmericanPharoah‬ put on another damned impressive performance. Spend 2 minutes if you can and watch the replay ‪#‎BreedersCup‬

Tim Tebow went as a SWAT officer for Halloween. Good thing it’s just a costume, with Tebow’s reputation for accuracy this is one guy you probably don’t ever want to see in a job needing a gun.

So the RNC is so upset at CNBC parent NBC they have suspended future debates. But Donald Trump, who complained as much as anyone, doesn’t seem angry enough to give up the SNL hosting. ‪#‎nosuchthingasbadpublicity‬?

It wasn’t that long ago that if someone told you Duke was favored over Miami you would think it had to be basketball

So how did Miami score that game-winning touchdown against Duke without the help of the Stanford band?

Better to be lucky than good? Or lucky and good? ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎wideright‬

Royals fans at Kaufmann Stadium were surprisingly nice last year about the SF Giants and friendly to their fans. Just guessing that assuming the World Series goes back to Kansas City, the Mets’ Noah Syndergaard made sure that won’t happen again.

After a costly E-4 tonight for Daniel Murphy, beginning to think that Westboro Baptist Church endorsement might not have been the best karma for the Mets second baseman.

So the 49ers are having a disappointing season, their QB is regressing, and fans are having a hard time selling unused tickets. What does the team do… waive one of the few popular players – former Australian Rugby League star Jarryd Hayne.
Winning with class or losing with an ass? ‪#‎JedYork‬

In California, four cities haven’t cut their water use enough during the drought and will be fined $61,000 apiece – the Coachella Valley Water District, Indio, Redlands, and Beverly Hills. Okay, $61,000 for the city of Beverly Hills?! On Rodeo Drive that’s almost enough to buy a purse.

On Halloween, what could possibly be scarier than the fact that Ben Carson and Donald Trump are leading the GOP polls?

Chris Christie, angry with a NY Times editorial that suggested he drop out of the Presidential race and go back to doing his job in NJ, where he has lost touch. “They are worried I will beat their candidate, Hillary Clinton.”
Uh, Governor Christie, it actually might be proof you’re out of touch if you think the Times has been pro-Hillary Clinton

Crimes of omission?

November 26, 2014

Mark Whitaker, who wrote the latest biography of Bill Cosby, tweeted an apology for failing to discuss rape allegations in his recent book. Well, of course, because Whitaker now knows he would be selling more books.

 

Despite Michael Sam’s having been the SEC defensive player of the year in 2013, some questioned whether he really had NFL caliber talent. Which if so brings up another question – Why hasn’t Sam been signed by a team from the NFL South?

In the “better to remain silent and be thought a fool..” dept, today’s nominee for the win is Adrian Peterson, who tweeted after the Ferguson decision “The GRAND JURY DECIDED NOT TO INDICT ME TOO! But that changed a week LATER! MAYBE,BUT NOT LIKELY N THIS CASE.”‘

The Milwaukee Brewers new AA team in Mississippi will be known as the Biloxi Shuckers. If they go through a bad patch, nothing can go wrong with THAT name…

Pablo Sandoval Tuesday on leaving San Francisco. “I need a new challenge.” Well, if Panda wanted a REAL challenge, why didn’t he sign with the Cubs?

Many Giants fans are taking the high road saying “Well, Pablo Sandoval gave us some good years, we wish him nothing but the best.” Right. Like people do when someone breaks up with them to move on to a different guy or gal. Of course you want them to be happy…..‪#‎sarcasm‬

After two of players were ejected in the 2013 OSU-Michigan game, Urban Meyer has warned his Buckeyes to behave this year, or he may impose further penalties. Guess the former Florida coach wants players to keep their bad behavior off the field.

You can’t make this “stuff” up.. CFO Anthony Noto accidentally tweeted what he thought was a private message saying “I still think we should buy them.” And it went out publicly. Ok, this stuff happens. Especially to executives who may not get social media. Except Noto is the CFO of Twitter. ….

The Seahawks’ Richard Sherman and Doug Baldwin did a little comedy routine for reporters today, which included lampooning the NFL’s sponsorship rules and $100,000 fine to Marshalll Lynch for not talking. Wonder how much Roger Goodell will fine them for the skit?

 

Washington apparently will start Colt McCoy nstead of RGIII against the Colts this weekend. Uh oh, has anyone checked Redskins owner Dan Snyder for signs of sanity?

 

Saw a DWTS “spoiler” saying “Winner Revealed on Season 19 Finale: Is It Alfonso Ribeiro, Janel Parrish, or Sadie Robertson?” And thinking “Who, who and who?”

 

 

From T.C.  “Redskins owner Dan Snyder in an attempt to gain support for the name debate, sat with Navajo Chief Ben Skelly and his wife at the Phoenix game. Not to be outdone, new Buffalo owner Terry Pegula invited 20 guys named Bill into his private box yesterday.”

Out of work?

September 20, 2014

John Boehner, trash talking the unemployed – “this idea that has been born, maybe out of the economy over the last couple years, that you know, I really don’t have to work. I don’t really want to do this. I think I’d rather just sit around. This is a very sick idea for our country.” Really, who do these people think they are, Congress?

 

Urban Meyer says he was depressed and “mentally broke” with the stress of coaching Florida’s national champion 2008 team and contending 2009 team. So he can avoid all that being in the Big Ten?

Florida State squeaked out a win against Clemson in overtime. If the Seminoles knew the game would have been that close they would have only suspended Jameis Winston for three quarters.

 

Would someone please tell the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ they don’t have to give up scoring for Rosh Hashanah.

Brian Wilson gives up game winning home run to ‪#‎Cubs‬. And ‪#‎Dodgers‬ fans are getting just a little tastle of ‪#‎torture‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

A lot of chatter amongst Florida fans about benching QB Jeff Driskel, including from former Gator Emmitt Smith. Which is shocking, bench an SEC QB for poor play rather than academic issues or arrests?

542 people in Calgary all dressed in Batman suits this week at work to raise money for charity and to get into the Guinness Book of World Records.(The old record was 250 Batmans) What I want to know, who comes up with the idea in the first place of a setting a record for “The Largest Gathering of People Dressed As Batman?””

A hacker allegedly briefly uploaded naked pictures of ‪#‎KimKardashian‬ but quickly took them down. Presumably because ‪#‎nobodycares‬.

Kim Kardashian apparently wants to appear on ‘Downton Abbey.” And we thought some of the recent wars have tested the “special relationship” between the U.S. and Britain.

What’s next for ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬? Almost expect him to tweet ‪#‎Winning‬!

In a press conference that might have called for a “Hail Mary”, ‪#‎RogerGoodell‬ took a knee. ‪#‎NFL‬

Roger Goodell and “Purposeful Misdirection” sounds like the name of a bad garage band.

Full moonbeam rising: How strong is California Gov. Jerry Brown? At the state GOP convention, state controller candidate Ashley Swearingen, the mayor of Fresno, said she hadn’t decided whether to vote for Brown or his Republican opponent in November.

 

Move over grumpy cat.

January 4, 2014

 

 

Image

The holidays are over, it’s back to work, and how about those NFL seedings?

 

 

Gosh. Nick Saban and Urban Meyer have both lost their BCS bowls. “What a shame” said nobody.

Although the happiest  Orange Bowl vIewers tonight? Anyone who bet the over.

All of this talk in the media about what went wrong for Nick Saban and Alabama. Is it just POSSIBLE they played exactly at their level? #SECoverrated

Major mess of a snow day for the first weekend in January in the New York area. So how many of my fellow bus to hell passengers are hoping we have the same weather the first weekend in February?

 

 

Paul Walker’s death was sad. But at over 100 mph on city streets, can we chalk it up to another DUIT – Driving Under the Influence of Testosterone?

Houston Texans owner Bob McNair said he is open to trading the team’s #1 pick in the NFL draft. Which is great news – for potential #1 draft picks.

 

 

Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston about speculation that FSU coach Jimbo Fisher would leave for Texas saying if if he “goes to Texas, I’m going to ask him can I go with you? Yeah, I’m serious. He’s my coach.” Well, that might add a few millions to the Longhorns’ offer.

Beanie Babies creator Ty Warner, 69, who pleaded guilty to stashing over $100 million in a Swiss Bank account to evade taxes has asked a judge for probation instead of prison, because he “emerged from an unhappy family and a youth devoid of educational advantages to become, through decades of hard work and extraordinary creativity, a self-made American success story.” So what is this – “adult-onset affluenza?”

You think you’re absent-minded. The California winner of the Dec. 17 Mega Millions, half of a $648 million jackpot, apparently is a delivery driver who until earlier this week, forgot he had been in San Jose and bought some tickets that day. (At least he could still find them.)

And re that winner, it’s a safe bet he’s either not married, or didn’t talk to his wife about buying tickets. Because she wouldn’t have forgotten….

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones favors expanded NFL playoffs. How expanded? Presumably just big enough for Dallas to get in every year.

 

 

 

From T.C.   Pope Francis drew a record 6.6 million people to his Vatican events in 2013. This more than double any of his predecessors. “Given numbers like that, there would not be any local TV blackout”, said the NFL.

Seasoned greetings.

December 26, 2013

Conservative GOP Rep. Steve King of Iowa tweeted from Oslo that he was enjoying a Christmas meal that included reindeer. And Republicans claim that liberals are the ones with the War on Christmas?

Three men were were killed and two others injured in a Christmas Eve shooting in a N.J. strip club. Have to wonder if the two injured men wished they were dead rather than having to explain to their wives what they were doing in a strip club on Christmas Eve.

Got to be a major bummer for some of those people whose gifts didn’t arrive on time from UPS, especially when those gifts were intended for children. But maybe a couple lessons for future. 1. Shop early. Not like Christmas sneaked up on anyone as far as the date. 2. Shop local!

Jon Kitna, 41, and now a math teacher, says he will donate the $53,000 he gets for Sunday’s game to his high school now that he has officially signed with the Cowboys after passing his physical. Pretty impressive. Many current and former NFL players couldn’t even pass math.

 

Delta Airlines said they will honor some ridiculously low fares they posted by mistake on their website, fares that were in the $50 range cross country. Off course anyone traveling on such a fare will have nominal charges of $300 per checked bag, $200 for a seat assignment or carry-on bag, $500 for any changes etc…..

McDonald’s has taken down a “employee resourse” website which, amongst other things, noted that “while convenient and economical for a busy lifestyle, fast foods are typically high in calories, fat, saturated fat, sugar, and salt and may put people at risk for becoming overweight.” The question isn’t why McDs took the site down, but whose bright idea it was to put it up in the first place?

Michigan State has suspended LB Max Bullough, a senior, and one of the Spartans’ top players on defense, for violating team rules, so he will miss the Rose Bowl. This would never have happened if Ohio State was going to Pasadena. Urban Meyer would have made his player’s suspension start January 2.

Little Caesar’s Bowl today at Ford Field features Bowling Green vs Pittsburgh. Two of the only schools who would consider a trip to Detroit with an indoor stadium as an actual reward.

San Diego Chargers rookie WR Keenan Allen, the team’s top receiver, said he was originally so frustrated that he thought about quitting football at the beginning of the season. As opposed to players on the Redskins and Lions, who quit during the season.

 

Snow place like home field?

December 9, 2013

NFL powers that be have to be wincing at all these awful games played in wintry weather today. Good thing it never snows in New Jersey in February.

 

Urban Meyer and his Ohio State Buckeyes have to be really disappointed that they aren’t heading to Pasadena. That Alamo Bowl swag just doesn’t sell for as high a price as the Rose Bowl stuff does.

 

After some of these calls recently, thinking maybe they fired the replacement refs because they were too good.

For those asking, how can that be pass interference on the #Browns? Easy, they violated 11th commandment. Thou shalt not stop St. Brady.

A near miracle in Pittsburgh. Had the Stanford band only been around to keep Antonio Brown in bounds.

Washington coach Mike Shanahan apparently quit at the end of the 2012 season. As opposed to his team who apparently quit soon after the beginning of this one.

The Redskins are becoming the NFL equivalent of one of those Big 10 or SEC scheduled cupcakes.

(Dinur Blum comments that Tennessee Chattanooga resents the comparison to the Redskins.)

Drew Brees has just gone over 50,000 yards with the #Saints. And in San Diego some Chargers fans are just sobbing.

(for non-NFL fans, the Chargers had Brees, but let him go in 2005 in favor of Philip Rivers.   And for that matter the Miami Dolphins passed on Drew too, thinking he wouldn’t come back from shoulder surgery.)

On a positive note…. assuming this little thing called New Jersey weather cooperates, a Super Bowl featuring Peyton Manning and Drew Brees would be really fun to watch. Two of the best and classiest QBs in football.

 

The 35 bowl matchups are out. But it’s just not the same without the Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl.

USC will play Fresno State in the Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl.  SC Offensive coordinator Clay Helton will coach,  since  interim coach Ed Orgeron quit after Steve Sarkisian was chosen to coach next year.

So if USC wins, Helton might go down in Trojan history as the program’s only undefeated coach.

A man trying to fly from Lafayette, Louisiana to California with a layover in Houston fell asleep on the first United Express flight, and woke up on a locked, empty plane after the flight crew had disembarked. Maybe he didn’t pay his “deboarding announcement” fee?

 

It was cold enough that the were expecting snow in Las Vegas this weekend. Maybe proving the rightness of those in the GOP who said Hell would freeze over before the Obamacare website started working.

Brett Favre’s been offensive coordinator for Oak Grove High School in Mississippi this year. And last night his team won the state title. So suppose we only have to wait about six months for Brett to decide if he’s coming back to coach next year.

Sad, but sounds like he’s in contention for a Darwin: 23 year-old college student in San Antonio Texas was fatally shot by a campus cop after he was pulled over for erratic driving and an altercation ensued. A witness said his last words were a sarcastic “Oh, you’re gonna shoot me?’ (Open note. Do not say those words in Texas, Florida, etc….)

If you’re reading this,,.

December 2, 2013

You’ve finished your Cyber Monday shopping?  Or you haven’t gotten the right deal in your inbox yet.

Today is #CyberMonday. The one time of year that office managers long for those productive days of March Madness.

So what follows Cyber Monday?  UPS Deliveryperson Hernia week?

All this talk about SEC superiority would be a lot easier to swallow if the league would actually schedule a real out-of-conference opponent once or twice a year. Stanford just played Notre Dame. Alabama last week played Chattanooga….

My friend Bill Schmarzo says that years from now, 1 million people will claim to have been at the Alabama-Auburn game. And I’m thinking 100 million people will say they were watching the game live on TV instead on the ESPN etc, replays.

OSU coach Urban Meyer has no plans to suspend either of this starters for getting ejected in yesterday’s game against Michigan. Even though starting guard Marcus Hall flipped off the fans after being ejected. If only Hall wasn’t a Senior. Meyer might have suspended him for next year’s critical matchup against Kent State.

Maybe this year’s #NYJets season is God’s way of saying “You really really should have stuck with my man #Tebow.

The Texans’ Antonio Smith claimed after Houston’s 34-31 loss to the Patriots “Either teams are spying on us or scouting us,” Well, it is just possible that New England coach Bill Belichick was up to something again. Or it is possible that Houston is a sucky football team.

The NFL is apparently considering a six-figure fine for Pittsburgh coach Mike Tomlin for stepping on the field and blocking Jacoby Jones, and may even take away a Steelers’ draft pick. Just imagine what the league would do if Tomlin were wearing the wrong color shoelaces.

Sad news about Paul Walker. But doesn’t it seem somehow appropriate that the “Fast and Furious” star died in what appears to have been at least a 100mph car crash?

Who says romance is dead? In Green Bay, a man proposed to his girlfriend Friday at 2am in the mail while the two were doing some Thanksgiving night shopping? Maybe they can get married next Black Friday and start their honeymoon shopping for doorbusters.

The Florida Gators, who finished the year ranked 112th in total offense, just fired their offensive coordinator. Which came as as a shock to many Gator fans who weren’t aware their 2013 team HAD an offensive coordinator.

Rick Santorum on CNN’s “State of the Union” wondered “Is the president competent to do his job?” And to be fair, if anyone knows about not being competent to do a job, it’s the former Senator from Pennsylvania….

Apparently the Obamacare website, HealthCare.gov is “greatly improved” a month after its inauspicious debut. If true you know that that means… time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again.

Rick Santorum on CNN’s “State of the Union” wondered “Is the president competent to do his job?” And to be fair, if anyone knows about not being competent to do a job, it’s the former Senator from Pennsylvania….

Winning isn’t everything….

August 28, 2013

Wow. NJ Gov. Chris Christie called a NY Daily News reporter an “idiot” The paper fired back with a headline “Who you calling an idiot, fatso!” Almost enough to make you look forward to the 2016 Presidential election…

Tim Tebow has survived the latest cut and looks like he may make the Patriots final roster. Not sure about New England fans but comedy writers everywhere are saying “Thank you, Jesus!”

 

 

An international jury began hearings today into allegations that Larry Ellison’s Oracle Team USA illegally modified boats in this year’s America’s Cup. Well, and who’d ever think Larry Ellison would cheat at anything.

A upcoming Rolling Stone article apparently alleges that while Aaron Hernandez was at the University of Florida, coach Urban Meyer “may have covered up failed drug tests along with two violent incidents” including a drive-by shooting. That would be shocking, responded absolutely no one.

 

Is no sport sacred? United States skater Simon Cho has been banned from competing for two years after confessing he had tampered with a Canadian’s skates at the 2011 world team short-track championships in Poland. Next we’ll be hearing about tampering with curling stones.

According to his lawyer, George Zimmerman will ask the state of Florida to reimburse him up to $300,000 of his legal expenses. Wonder if that means Zimmerman will then turn around and give some of the donations to his legal fund to the state?

 

Alex Rodriguez is now 10 homers away from tying Willie Mays for 4th on the all time career list. Per his contract, this would mean a $6 million bonus. Which gives the Yankees 6 million more reasons to wish A-Rod would go away.

Just guessing, for the forseeable future, if Disney televises anything featuring alums from their past shows, they are not likely to invite Miley Cyrus?

 

In Brooklyn, an alleged cellphone thief was caught when he tripped over his own sagging jeans. Karma is not only a bitch, she apparently really is part of the fashion police.

 

 

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says the company will not cut staff or benefits in anticipation of next year’s Obamacare changes. To be fair, Schultz also didn’t say that Starbucks will not double coffee prices either.

Okay, for the longest MLB home run in 2013 who had Hunter Pence, 476 feet tonight? Now all of you liars put your hands down.

 

Tom Tolbert made an interesting point on  KNBR radio about Johnny Manziel’s six hour conversation with NCAA officials. How long does it take to say “Did you get paid for signing autographs?” “Are you sure?”….

 

Color me anything but blue?

August 24, 2013

Urban Meyer has forbidden anyone – fans, media, NFL scouts -watching Ohio State football practices from wearing blue. Since blue is a Michigan color. Really, I’d have thought Meyer would worry more about people upsetting the team by wearing orange – the color of prison jumpsuits.

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A $1 million winning New York lottery ticket from August 2012, will expire today if not claimed. And many of us are still annoyed at our moms just for accidentally throwing away old baseball cards and comic books.

Following up on that story of RGIII being fined for wearing an “Operation Patience” t-shirt in practice. Turns out the Redskins QB is a repeat offender; he was fined $10,000 for wearing Adidas clothing to a post-game news conference last December, and warned after the season opener for covering up the Nike swoosh on his warm-up shirt. The horror! How many offenses for a lifetime ban?

Derek Jeter will rejoin the Yankees on Monday. The team will be thrilled to welcome him back, if for no other reason than a headline that doesn’t involve A-Rod.

Geno Smith threw three interceptions today, Mark Sanchez might be injured. Well, Tim Tebow may be available.

Anthony Weiner was involved in a three carfender-bender this morning in New York. No injuries, and so far no word as to who might have been at fault. Not that we have any reason to suspect Weiner of doing anything risky with his phone.

Todd Gloria, 35, will be the new acting mayor of San Diego. He is young, attractive, and gay. Could women feel any safer?

In Slaughter, Louisiana, police said an 8-year-old boy intentionally shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver. The statement read ” Although a motive for the shooting is unknown at this time investigators have learned that the juvenile suspect was playing a video game, ‘Grand Theft Auto IV…” Got it, guns don’t kill people, video games kill people.

A new study says that on average, single men only wash their bed sheets four times a year. Wonder how many of those single men polled responded “you wash sheets?”

 

Perhaps I need a new contact lens prescription?  Saturday night I saw a 4 on the board in the #SFGiants column in the first inning.

The AP reports that a South Brunswick, NJ man, Mario Scarnici, has come forward with one of the three winning tickets sold for the Aug. 7 Powerball drawing, and will net $62 million after taxes. They add “A telephone number for Scarnici could not be located Saturday afternoon.” Ya think?

A-Rod and a reel. Or a not-so-real?

July 31, 2013

Alex Rodriguez says he would still like to be a “role model.” Would he settle for being a cautionary tale?

Archaeologists said yesterday they found a new coffin-within-a-coffin in the central England parking lot where the skeleton of King Richard III was discovered. The remains are yet unidentified. Maybe an ancestor of Jimmy Hoffa?

 

Chris Christie criticized Rand Paul for bringing home pork barrel money to Kentucky, whereupon Paul responded that this was “the king of bacon talking about bacon.” President Obama hasn’t had this much fun since the GOP presidential primaries.

Oscar “Ossie” Schectman, who scored the first basket in NBA history, died today at the age of 94. Wonder if he scored his own first basket in a pickup game against Greg Oden.

Bad news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now a LA Dodger. Good news for SF Giants fans: Brian Wilson is now an LA Dodger

My Dodger fan friend Jeff Klein suggests that Brian Wilson might want to live on Venice Beach now. Not so sure, the man lives to stand out from the crowd – in Venice most of his get-ups would barely warrant a second look.

 

Eliot Spitzer says he is not supporting Anthony Weiner for Mayor. Well, probably shouldn’t have expected the pot to vote for the kettle.

U.S. Border agents found marijuana on Justin Bieber’s bus as it crossed from Windsor, Canada into Detroit. Beginning to look like this young man is as smart as he is talented.

A man survived driving his car off a 40 foot cliff in San Diego. Wonder if his last tweet before the crash was “Damn this road is steeeeeeeeeep.”

Meanwhile in sadder news.  But still a Darwin award Texas A&M football player Polo Manukainiu was killed with two friends in a car accident where police believe he fell asleep at the wheel. His last tweet “22 hour drive back to Texas on no sleep – oh my.”

I know these online deals like “Groupon” are becoming a “thing.” But really, would anyone seriously want half-price Botox injected into their face? Kind of like day-old sushi.

Carlos Hyde, Ohio State’s top RB, was suspended for “at least” three games after a assault charge was dismissed because the alleged victim declined to press charges. The Buckeyes’ star will miss games against Buffalo, San Diego State, and Cal. If Hyde misbehaves again Urban Meyer will slap his other hand REALLY hard.

Anthony Weiner in a new ad – “Quit isn’t the way we roll.” Really? Even Brett Favre is saying “Give it up already.”

Down for the count?

August 25, 2012

You cannot make this “stuff” up: Lynyrd Skynyrd is performing at the GOP convention. The band’s latest album? “Last of a dyin’ breed.”

Jerry Nelson, who voiced Count von Count on Sesame Street, has passed away. He was 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16….76, 77, 78 years old.

Todd Akin said again today he is staying in the Senate race. I’m waiting for him to say his rape comment was a “legitimate” mistake.

The Los Angeles Dodgers may get Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez from the Boston Red Sox. Performance enhancing? Maybe. Payroll enhancing? Definitely.

If Josh Beckett ends up with the Dodgers, Los Angeles will assume the two years and $31.5 million remaining on his contract. Wonder if that includes a beer and chicken stipend.

My friend Michael passes on this tweet from an unknown source…”if Magic takes Beckett from Sox he will be more popular in Boston than Larry Bird”

Houston owner Jim Crane said he was open to the idea of Clemens rejoining the team, even at the age of 50. Will Roger ever be a major league pitcher again? Probably not. But he might be good enough for the Astros’  rotation.

 

Wonder if the Tour de France is going to find the best “clean” rider to declare the winner for the years Lance Armstrong won. And if so does the kid still even have his his “Big Wheel?”

Senior LB Storm Klein who was dismissed from Ohio State following a domestic violence charge, was reinstated by Coach Urban Meyer after pleading guilty to a reduced charge of misdemeanor disorderly conduct. And who saw that coming?
Campaign quote of the day: “Big business is doing fine in many places. They know how to find ways to get through the tax code, save money by putting various things in the places where there are low tax havens around the world for their businesses.” Obama again? No, Mitt Romney, at a fundraiser.
Mitt Romney campaigning in Michigan today said “No one’s ever asked to see my birth certificate.” True. But no one’s now asking to see Barack Obama’s tax returns.
Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 65, got the win for the independent San Rafael Pacifics last night, and became the oldest pitcher ever to win a professional baseball game. And he still probably throws harder than Barry Zito.
Footage has surfaced of Ryan Lochte with Prince Harry in Las Vegas. Not playing strip billiards, but having a 3am swimming race. Now that the video’s out, wonder if the hotel’s already cleaned the pool?

Trial and Errors.

June 19, 2012

A lesson from the Roger Clemens trial, if you are going to take something illegal, make sure your supplier is sleazy enough that no matter how tarnished your reputation gets, you still stay more credible than him.

In a jailhouse phone call, George Zimmerman urged his wife to buy a bulletproof vest. Shame no one told Trayvon Martin to get one too.

The REALLY rich are really different. Witness Ann Romney’s dressage horse Rafalca, now going to the Olympics. And somehow the Romney’s claimed a $77,000 tax deduction in 2010 for their share of the horse’s care and feeding. No joke.

(I’m trying to figure out how to write off my cats.)

A  recent NY Times/CBS News poll found that 75 % Americans believe Supreme Court justices have their decisions influenced by their political beliefs. Shocking. That means 25% actually think they don’t.

Rielle Hunter now claims she wrote a tell-all book about her relationship with John Edwards just because their daughter Frances should have “have one entirely truthful public account of how she came into the world.”  Or at least enough money for years of therapy.

Sounds like Rielle’s book will if anything make John Edwards look even worse than he does now.  Somewhere Elizabeth has to be smirking.

You think you had a bad travel day. A tourist from Wales had his car break down in London near the Houses of Parliament, left a note that a towing company was on the way, and went to go sightseeing in the meantime. Anti-terrorist police, however, saw the car, deemed it a security risk, and blew it up. (Oh yeah, and he also got a parking ticket.)

Roger Clemens was found not guilty today. Only good thing you can say about this expensive complete snafu from our government, at least unlike the WMD fiasco, nobody died.

Ah, priorities. Urban Meyer’s contract at Ohio State provides a base salary of $700,000; a “transition” payment of $250,000; $1,850,000 a year for “media responsibilities” and $1.4 million a year from OSU’s Nike contract. Now, the team’s GPA last year was 2.8. Meyer gets $50,000 if they raise it to a cumulative 3.0 GPA.

The prosecution has rested in the Jerry Sandusky trial. Wonder if they convict this sleazeball if the jurors will say “You had me at ‘showers.'”

Part of Jerry Sandusky’s defense is having another Penn State assistant coach testify that other coaches also showered with boys. What were they running at State College, a football program or a Catholic priory?

President Obama has apparently selected John Kerry to play Mitt Romney in practice debates. Well, and who better to give Obama practice against someone who has taken both sides on most issues?

The Rolling Stones say they will perform their very last farewell gig at ­Glastonbury in 2013.   And if the band changes their mind afterwards, they can claim they forgot their promise.