Posted tagged ‘Miley Cyrus jokes’

United Kingdom we still stand.

September 18, 2014

So the Scottish Independence vote has failed. And across the U.S. the most common responses are probably “Weren’t they already an independent country?” and “What does this mean for Scotch whiskey prices?”

And hope springs eternal.  From Daniel Miller, director of Texas Nationalist Movement., on the Scottish referendum, before the votes were counted:  “We’re excited that they are able to have a voice, to be able to go to the polls and voice their political will on the issue of self-determination. We’re hoping for a ‘Yes’ vote.” I’ll swap Puerto Rico for Texas as the 50th state any time. ‪#‎noforeignaid‬

Andy Murray, who has been neutral on Scottish independence, tweeted early this morning “‘Huge day for Scotland today! no campaign negativity last few days totally swayed my view on it. excited to see the outcome. lets do this!’ Ought to be real interesting when Murray shows up next year at Wimbledon.

(and do have to wonder, understand neutrality, but have if he was going to come out as a “yes,” why not do it earlier, when it might have mattered, instead of today when it probably accomplished nothing except really annoying English fans and sponsors.)

 

Florida State believes they have strictly disciplined Jameis Winston for his “offensive and vulgar” behavior with a one-half game suspension. The school’s biggest regret? That Winston didn’t scream the obscene meme sooner, so they could have suspended him for their game against the Citadel.

Texas Tech defensive coordinator Matt Wallerstedt resigned today. ESPN reported that he was “was suspected of being under the influence of an unknown substance while on campus.” Of course, this is Lubbock, TX. Was the “unknown substance” Chardonnay?

Gatorade has a new commercial honoring Derek Jeter and his retirement. Good thing. Would hate for such a momentous event to go unnoticed.

Michael Vick feels that Roger Goodell should not be fired, and said that the NFL commissioner is “doing a great job.” And Vick’s image rehabilitation was going so well……

About now the ‪#‎NFL‬ would let Michael Sam & his boyfriend get married on 50 yd-line if it would be the #1 football headline. ‪#‎Distractions‬

Vikings WR Jerome Simpson. already serving a 3 game DUI suspension, will be arraigned in November after being pulled over for alleged marijuana possession, driving with an open bottle and violating limited license restrictions. And the NFL is thinking, “Thank God, he didn’t beat up anyone.

 

4-1 lead in the 7th over the Dodgers and the Chicago pitcher induces an inning-ending double play which gets booted, and LA ends up scoring 5 runs enroute to a 8-4 win. SFGiants fans would like to thank the Cubs for reminding us, we may have ‪#‎torture‬ but it could be worse.

Although they are not in the same league, the Oakland As are constantly competing with the SF Giants. And in 2014 year they seem bound and determined to compete with the June-July version of the Giants.

Miley Cyrus is now under criminal investigation for twerking in Monterrey with dancers whipping and rubbing Mexican flags on her derriere. As the Mexican constitution protects “national emblems, the flag and the national anthem.” Well, even if Miley didn’t commit a technical crime in Mexico, she should be under investigation for criminal stupidity.

Dispirit of St. Louis

October 28, 2013
Cardinals lost 3-1 to the Red Sox.  Rams had a  sure comeback fall short at the 2 yard line. Tonight’s headline “Dispirit of St. Louis.”

Nah, there’s no bias on Fox World Series coverage. Joe Buck – “The National League has won the last three World Series, including these Cardinals in 2011.” Would it kill him to mention the other teams, or rather, team?

Tim McCarver and Joe Buck were so convinced the Red Sox shouldn’t have been holding Wong on last night, we’re lucky they didn’t miss the end of the game altogether with another in-dugout interview or something.

How boring. The only big mistakes in tonight’s #WorldSeries game were hanging curveballs.

 

Why is ANYONE still pitching to #DavidOrtiz in this World Series? #insanity

A 31-year-old Texas man survived being struck by lighting twice last weekend. First when he was standing under a tree, then when he dropped to his knees and was struck again. The man says he believes God kept him alive, and he will start going to church more. Uh, maybe during storms he should start standing under trees less.

Rick Santorum said of Ted Cruz’s efforts that resulted in a government shutdown “In the end, he did more harm” to the GOP than good. Well, Santorum ought to know, since in 2006 his 18% loss was one of the largest defeats by a Republican senator trying to be re-elected in U.S. history.

Ryanair has released their annual calendar featuring scantily-clad flight attendants, which is a fundraiser for cancer research. Could be worse. The discount carrier could demand passengers either wear minimal clothes or pay a fee to cut down on weight in the cabin.

From my funny friend Howard Fox  “The other day in Washington, a boy’s dog was blamed for starting an apartment fire. Unfortunately for the boy, his homework survived.”

Miley Cyrus was quoted in Cosmopolitan as saying “I feel like I’m kind of an underdog in a cool way. Like, society wants to shut me down.” “Shut her down?” More like “Just make her go away.”

Not sure if Stanford football is as good as their ranking, but they and other Pac 12 teams rank higher in the BCS than the Coaches’ and AP polls. Makes sense. the computers don’t go to bed before the second half of all these West Coast night games.

 

A federal judge ruled that Texas’s new abortion restrictions are unconstitutional. Which means probably that some in the GOP will try to start blocking more judicial appointments over Obamacare or Benghazi.

Marco Rubio now favors a House piecemeal approach over the comprehensive immigration reform passed by the Senate earlier this year. Not that unusual, except that the Senate bill…. was one that Rubio largely authored.

BYU, over 98% Mormon, has already accepted a bid to the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl in San Francisco. Unhappiest people about this invitation? San Francisco bar owners.

The Carolina Panthers’ Mike Mitchell, who got his 5th fine of the year last week, $7,875 for taunting, claims the NFL and Roger Goodell are targeting him. Well if they weren’t before, they probably are now.

 

Finished at the finish line?

September 18, 2013

So what is going on in Texas? Are the Rangers just trying to spare their fans the pain of another postseason collapse?

Meanwhile with NY having lost 4 of 5  and looking increasingly unlikely to make the postseason, wonder if ESPN will preempt playoff coverage for highlights of old Yankees-Red Sox games.

Texas A & M reported they raised more than $740 million in donations in the past fiscal year. Gosh, that’s probably a few hundred Johnny Manziel autograph sessions.

Tiger Woods wants to see a time limit placed on viewers being able to call-in of possible rules violations. Specifically, until five minutes before Tiger himself tees off.

From T.C.   “The PGA may put a halt to fans phoning in rules violations. Tiger got dinged with penalties at The Masters & BMW Championship this year after viewers called citing rule breaches. Woods’ GF Lindsey Vonn, however, said fans are welcome to call her any time if they see Tiger committing any infractions, such as being in the company of pancake or cocktail waitresses.”

Elton John says Miley Cyrus is a “meltdown waiting to happen.” Uh, some might say the wait is over.

Beanie Baby creator Ty Warner will plead guilty to tax evasion and pay a $53.5 million penalty. Wonder if he’s negotiating to pay the fine in Beanie Babies.

Due to winds and tides, the America’s Cup probable final race now will be Thursday. But when this is over, do hope New Zealand gives some honor to Larry Ellison. Who else could get most Americans to root for a foreign opponent against their own country?

The House is trying to defund Obamacare again, this time threatening to shutdown the government. When asked how Boehner would manage such a potential shutdown, Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan said “Even the best coaches in the N.F.L. only script out the first two series of plays. They don’t script the whole game.” Uh, but the best coaches in the NFL don’t keep on starting with the same ineffectual play 40 times in a row.

 

Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “It will do no good to legislate (fill-in-the-blank) because criminals will break the law.” By that standard we should toss out all laws and regulations, since people will disobey traffic rules, cheat on taxes, steal, assault and murder each other, etc.,

 

Many people are saying that the U.S gun laws are not to blame for mass murders; rather it’s things like mental health and poverty. Okay, I guess I would take those folks more seriously if they were also for increasing mental health funding and the minimum wage.

Making whoopie?

September 3, 2013

A British zoo has appointed one of their staff as a “birds and the bees” consultant, and is experimenting with warning signs that say “ANIMAL BABY MAKING ZONE.” Why do I think in much of the U.S. this would cause more outrage than designating a zoo an “open carry” zone?

The Oakland Raiders named Terrelle Pryor as their starting QB. Another step in a 2013 season perhaps destined to lead to the REAL punishment for Johnny Manziel…. being drafted into Silver and Black?

Our long national nightmare is over. Jon Stewart returns tonight. Not that John Oliver wasn’t good…. But who better to report on the clusterf*ck that is Syria?

 

 

The Indianapolis Colts just waived rookie safety John Boyett from the University of Oregon following his arrest yesterday morning for disorderly conduct and resisting law enforcement. Boyett apparently told the cops “You can’t arrest me…I’m a Colts player.” Well, apparently it worked when he said “Ducks” in Eugene.

California Governor Jerry Brown didn’t attend the opening of the Bay Bridge, which has been plagued by construction problems and alleged defects. Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom presided in his place. Have to wonder, was Brown thus worried or hoping there would be glitches?

Kanye West is facing criticism for accepting $3 million to perform at a wedding hosted by Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has been accused of numerous human rights violations. But to be fair, West has to feed his family.

Two men were arrested this weekend for breaking into Wrigley Field and allegedly attempting to steal ivy from the historic ballpark. Hmm, wonder what ballpark they were trying to take it to, and which team they were trying to jinx?

Miley Cyrus said in an interview to the British “Sunday People”: “I have so many f***ing issues.” Really? How would the public ever know?

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today that he really wanted Tim Tebow to make the roster but it wasn’t his call.  Somewhere George Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave.

Will Durst kind of summed it up “It’s fun to watch the Republicans’ natural hatred of Obama run smack into their love of bombing the crap out of the Middle East.”

So Clemson beat Georgia on college football’s opening weekend and jumped over Stanford to be #4 in the rankings, pushing the Cardinal down to #5. Now,  early rankings don’t matter, and Clemson is ACC anyway, but they are benefiting from the “rank all SEC teams high” strategy, so when they beat each other it counts more..

With the NY Mayoral Primary only a week away,  Anthony Weiner has fallen from 26% in the polls to 7% as of Sept 3.  Meaning so long to easy pickings like “Weiner shrivels” jokes.

(on the other hand, does anyone really expect him to go away quietly?)

 

 

In the America’s Cup, an international jury found Oracle Team USA guilty of cheating, fined them $250k, docked them two races in a best of 17 series, and dismissed three team members. Guess Johnny Manziel is thinking he’s glad he’s not a sailor.

Going, going, not quite gone…

August 28, 2013

The NCAA has decided to suspend Johnny Manziel for the FIRST HALF of Texas A & M’s season opener Saturday against Rice. Wow. Against Rice Manziel’s got to be figuring he should have asked for more money and gotten suspended the whole game.

 

There’s already criticism of today’s “semi-suspension” of Johnny Manziel. But in the NCAA’s defense, they say if Johnny misbehaves again they’re going to slap his other hand REALLY hard.

 

After today’s Manziel decision, the NCAA would like to disabuse anyone of the notion that they would let a star player get away with actual murder. Any player linked to such a serious crime would absolutely be disciplined, the day after his bowl game.

 

Florida LB Antonio Morrison, who was arrested twice this summer, just had his two game suspension reduced to one game by coach Will Muschamp. So he’ll miss the Gators’ opening game against Buffalo, but will be back Sept. 7 against Miami. And of course the fact that the Hurricanes have been ranked barely out of the preseason top 25 had nothing to do with this decision….
 
Ah Florida, protecting us from the truly dangerous people? George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie pled guilty to perjury for lying about the donations they had received before his trial. She was placed on probation for a year, and as a condition “cannot possess, carry or own a firearm and must get permission to own any other type of weapon.”

Don Mattingly benched Yasiel Puig in the fifth today for apparent disciplinary reasons. How long until L.A. Dodgers fans start muttering about “Puig being Puigy..”

Montana judge G. Todd Baugh judge sentenced a 54-year-old ex-teacher to 30 days in jail for raping a 14-year-old girl in 2008. (The girl committed suicide in 2010.) Baugh said that the girl was “as much in control of the situation” as the teacher was, and “older than her chronological age.” What was this judge thinking, that he wants to run for Congress in Missouri?

John Boehner has apparently sent Obama letter requesting that he make a case before acting on Syria. Wonder if the President thought of sending a reply to the Speaker, “How about you have the House make a case the next time they vote to repeal Obamacare?”

 

While taping his TV show 700 Club yesterday, Pat Robertson said that some gay men with HIV or AIDS wear special rings designed to purposely infect others. “You know what they do in San Francisco, some in the gay community there, they want to get people, so if they got the stuff they’ll have a ring, you shake hands, and the ring’s got a little thing where you cut your finger” Beginning to think Robertson is still alive because neither God nor the Devil want him.

Across America, millions of American men have only one question: Is it too soon to hit on Catherine Zeta-Jones?

Justin Timberlake is defending Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance: “It’s not like she did it at the Grammys”‘ And half a dozen young stars plus Madonna just got a new idea for next year’s Grammys…..

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said yesterday he is “rooting for” Tim Tebow to make the 53-man roster, but said it’s the coach’s decision. Wonder if Bill Belichick is just wishing Vladimir Putin would steal Tebow for a Russian team.

Winning isn’t everything….

August 28, 2013

Wow. NJ Gov. Chris Christie called a NY Daily News reporter an “idiot” The paper fired back with a headline “Who you calling an idiot, fatso!” Almost enough to make you look forward to the 2016 Presidential election…

Tim Tebow has survived the latest cut and looks like he may make the Patriots final roster. Not sure about New England fans but comedy writers everywhere are saying “Thank you, Jesus!”

 

 

An international jury began hearings today into allegations that Larry Ellison’s Oracle Team USA illegally modified boats in this year’s America’s Cup. Well, and who’d ever think Larry Ellison would cheat at anything.

A upcoming Rolling Stone article apparently alleges that while Aaron Hernandez was at the University of Florida, coach Urban Meyer “may have covered up failed drug tests along with two violent incidents” including a drive-by shooting. That would be shocking, responded absolutely no one.

 

Is no sport sacred? United States skater Simon Cho has been banned from competing for two years after confessing he had tampered with a Canadian’s skates at the 2011 world team short-track championships in Poland. Next we’ll be hearing about tampering with curling stones.

According to his lawyer, George Zimmerman will ask the state of Florida to reimburse him up to $300,000 of his legal expenses. Wonder if that means Zimmerman will then turn around and give some of the donations to his legal fund to the state?

 

Alex Rodriguez is now 10 homers away from tying Willie Mays for 4th on the all time career list. Per his contract, this would mean a $6 million bonus. Which gives the Yankees 6 million more reasons to wish A-Rod would go away.

Just guessing, for the forseeable future, if Disney televises anything featuring alums from their past shows, they are not likely to invite Miley Cyrus?

 

In Brooklyn, an alleged cellphone thief was caught when he tripped over his own sagging jeans. Karma is not only a bitch, she apparently really is part of the fashion police.

 

 

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says the company will not cut staff or benefits in anticipation of next year’s Obamacare changes. To be fair, Schultz also didn’t say that Starbucks will not double coffee prices either.

Okay, for the longest MLB home run in 2013 who had Hunter Pence, 476 feet tonight? Now all of you liars put your hands down.

 

Tom Tolbert made an interesting point on  KNBR radio about Johnny Manziel’s six hour conversation with NCAA officials. How long does it take to say “Did you get paid for signing autographs?” “Are you sure?”….