Posted tagged ‘Pat Robertson jokes’

Quitting while you still have a head.

June 15, 2016

 

Notre Dame WR Corey Robinson, son of “The Admiral” David Robinson, is retiring from football, citing multiple concussions. Sounds like in Corey’s case that brains as well as athletic ability were inherited.

Johnny ‪#‎Cueto‬ now 10-1. Watching him pitch today kind of hard to imagine how he lost that one. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Lost in last night’s 3-2 ‪#‎SFGiants‬ win was the fact that the winning run scored on a wild pitch with Madison Bumgarner up at the plate, one of two wild pitches in that at-bat. Thrown in part because the Brewers pitcher didn’t want to throw Madbum a fast ball with runners on base. ‪#‎pitcherswhorake‬ ‪#‎pitcherswhoscareotherpitchers‬

So quaint ‪#‎stayclassy‬ moment from the NFL: Bills coach Rex Ryan is reportedly not happy about Bills RB Karlos Williams being overweight in training camp.
Williams blames his fiance:  “I like to eat and then her being pregnant gave me an excuse to eat. She’d wake up, one or two o’clock, ‘I want a snack.’ Well I’m not going to sit here and watch you eat because I don’t want you to feel bad.”

Kentucky’s John Calipari “Coaches always know about scandals that occur on their campuses and they should be held accountable.
Wonder if Calipari knows everything he says stays on the internet forever.

 

Story now that maybe Dallas RB Darren McFadden didn’t injure himself trying to catch his cell phone. Hmm, was he washing Jeff Kent’s truck?

A South African appeals court upheld Oscar Pistorius’s conviction for murder today. The former Olympian had even appeared in his stumps in an attempt for sympathy. “I feel so sorry for him, ” said nobody.”

Pat Robertson on the Orlando shootings, talking about Muslims and gays “I think for those of us who disagree with some of their policies, the best thing to do is to sit on the sidelines and let them kill themselves.”
You know, I wouldn’t wish terrorism on anyone but…..it is surprising that none of these fanatics have ended up on ISIS’s radar.

Sad story this morning with a bit of ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ from Disney World with the little boy snatched by an alligator. He was wading in a hotel lagoon, where his parents were ignoring clearly marked “No swimming signs.” If only that were the most awful story out of Orlando this week.

 

Leaving alligators and terrorists aside: From CDC – Between 2005-2014, there were an average of 3,536 fatal unintentional drownings (non-boating related) a year in U.S. 1 in 5 were children under 14. (332 people a year drown in boating-related incidents.)
And apparently over 3,000 kids a year end up in the ER for near-drowning incidents. Somehow I am sure this is Obama’s fault.

 

So I’m waiting for ‪#‎Trump‬ to say that if the parents at ‪#‎DisneyWorld‬ were armed they could have shot the gator. ‪#‎bustohell‬

 

A Philadelphia columnist, Helen Ubinas,  wrote on Philly.com how she was able to buy an AR-15 in seven minutes.  Seven minutes?  It took me longer than than when Walgreens had a 2 for 1 sale on all house-brand medications, and I decided to try to buy two packages of their equivalent to Sudafed.

 

Newt Gingrich wants to re-create the “House Un-American Activities Committee.” Well, okay then, since religion and “traditional family values” seem still to be such a priority for the GOP these days, can that committee investigate Americans who’ve been married more than twice?

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D’oh

June 10, 2015

Rumor has it that Homer and Marge Simpson will “legally separate” in this season’s premier of the long running cartoon show. Wow. The damage that legalizing gay marriage does to traditional marriage knows no bounds.

The South’s Royal palace. Home of “the King.”. (No, it’s not Lebron.)

 

graceland

 

Elvis Presley was 25 when he met and started hanging out with his future wife. She was 14. ‪#‎differenttimes‬

So the way the Cleveland Cavaliers are dropping like flies how long until Lebron James puts an ad on Craigslist for potential game 6 or 7 teammates?

Elon Musk says that Tesla will have self-driving cars within 3 years. Wonder if the more you pay for the model the more the car will act like it’s being driven by an a**hole?

Torii Hunter, who was thrown out of the Twins-Royals game for arguing a called third, apparently threw his batting gloves, elbow pad, shin guard AND jersey on the field after his ejection.   And here some tantrum fans worried instant replay would do away with such exhibitions.

 

R.I.P Vincent Musetto, 74.   Who?   Musetto was a retired NY Post editor. Who might have written  the best headline of all time – “Headless body in topless bar.”

Four tourists, including a brother and sister from Canada, have been arrested for stripping naked on a Malaysian mountain. Locals they say they angered the tribal spirits and caused a recent deadly earthquake, Wow. How often do you hear “Ah those ugly Canadians!”?”

 

 

Pat Robertson, when asked why God would allow a baby to die in the hospital responded. “As far as God’s concerned, he knows the answer from the beginning. And he sees the little baby, and that little baby could grow up to be Adolf Hitler… . He could grow up to be some serial killer. Or he could grow up to die of a hideous disease. God sees all that. And for that life to be terminated when he’s still a baby, he’s going to be with God forever in heaven. And that isn’t a bad thing.”

How come people like Robertson never use that line of reasoning with abortions?

 

 

No Panda, no Morse. No power free agent signing. Did someone forget to tell the SF Giants that they were supposed to play small ball?

Going, going, not quite gone…

August 28, 2013

The NCAA has decided to suspend Johnny Manziel for the FIRST HALF of Texas A & M’s season opener Saturday against Rice. Wow. Against Rice Manziel’s got to be figuring he should have asked for more money and gotten suspended the whole game.

 

There’s already criticism of today’s “semi-suspension” of Johnny Manziel. But in the NCAA’s defense, they say if Johnny misbehaves again they’re going to slap his other hand REALLY hard.

 

After today’s Manziel decision, the NCAA would like to disabuse anyone of the notion that they would let a star player get away with actual murder. Any player linked to such a serious crime would absolutely be disciplined, the day after his bowl game.

 

Florida LB Antonio Morrison, who was arrested twice this summer, just had his two game suspension reduced to one game by coach Will Muschamp. So he’ll miss the Gators’ opening game against Buffalo, but will be back Sept. 7 against Miami. And of course the fact that the Hurricanes have been ranked barely out of the preseason top 25 had nothing to do with this decision….
 
Ah Florida, protecting us from the truly dangerous people? George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie pled guilty to perjury for lying about the donations they had received before his trial. She was placed on probation for a year, and as a condition “cannot possess, carry or own a firearm and must get permission to own any other type of weapon.”

Don Mattingly benched Yasiel Puig in the fifth today for apparent disciplinary reasons. How long until L.A. Dodgers fans start muttering about “Puig being Puigy..”

Montana judge G. Todd Baugh judge sentenced a 54-year-old ex-teacher to 30 days in jail for raping a 14-year-old girl in 2008. (The girl committed suicide in 2010.) Baugh said that the girl was “as much in control of the situation” as the teacher was, and “older than her chronological age.” What was this judge thinking, that he wants to run for Congress in Missouri?

John Boehner has apparently sent Obama letter requesting that he make a case before acting on Syria. Wonder if the President thought of sending a reply to the Speaker, “How about you have the House make a case the next time they vote to repeal Obamacare?”

 

While taping his TV show 700 Club yesterday, Pat Robertson said that some gay men with HIV or AIDS wear special rings designed to purposely infect others. “You know what they do in San Francisco, some in the gay community there, they want to get people, so if they got the stuff they’ll have a ring, you shake hands, and the ring’s got a little thing where you cut your finger” Beginning to think Robertson is still alive because neither God nor the Devil want him.

Across America, millions of American men have only one question: Is it too soon to hit on Catherine Zeta-Jones?

Justin Timberlake is defending Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance: “It’s not like she did it at the Grammys”‘ And half a dozen young stars plus Madonna just got a new idea for next year’s Grammys…..

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said yesterday he is “rooting for” Tim Tebow to make the 53-man roster, but said it’s the coach’s decision. Wonder if Bill Belichick is just wishing Vladimir Putin would steal Tebow for a Russian team.

Streaking

July 10, 2013

Oakland Raiders’ LB Kaluka Maiava has been charged with assault after a fight earlier this year in a Maui bar. Gosh, and there goes the NFL’s streak of about 72 hours since the last arrest.

Let’s hope SF Giants get it together soon. Otherwise the seagulls who fly into A T and T Park to hunt for garbage might fly away with half the team’s outfield.

Sarah Palin may run for the Senate in 2014. Apparently she’s decided it would be a great place to spend three years of her life..

Actual notice on a FedEx wine shipment. “Do not deliver to an intoxicated person.” Great, what do we need now? Drivers with portable breathalyzers?

Now a video has surfaced of Justin Bieber urinating into a restaurant mop bucket. I know the singer is young, but is he trying to prove he’s old enough for Lindsay Lohan?

Have no real reason to suspect Chris Davis of PEDs, but for all those who say, “He MUST be clean because he has spoken so stridently against them,” see Ryan Braun and Rafael Palmeiro.

Pitcher Chad Gaudin, now with the SF Giants, formerly with the Yankees, has been charged with “open and gross lewdness” for making advances and groping a woman in a Las Vegas hospital this January. Who did Gaudin think he was? Joe Namath?

Wal-Mart is threatening not to open three planned stores in Washington, D.C. if the city goes ahead with raising the minimum wage to $12.50 an hour. Well, and why not? Why should government interfere with the right of a corporation to pay as little as possible when food stamps and Medicaid are available?

They may have swept the Giants but they’re still the Mets: The NY Mets drastically scaled back Native American Heritage day when they realized they were to host Atlanta the same day. Because they didn’t want to offend the Braves. So now they offended the actual Indians, who pulled out of the event.

Pat Robertson says he would like to see a “Vomit” button on Facebook for photos of gay couples. Funny, because millions of gay and straight couples would like to see a “Vomit’ button for pictures of Pat Robertson 
Former Florida State OL Menelik Watson just got his ACC championship ring on Wednesday. Except that it read “2012 SEC Champions.”
Two reactions: At the jewelry company – “FSU football players can read?” At Ohio State – “Darn, a ring with a mistake would have fetched more money.”
House Speaker John Boehner says the House will not even vote on the bipartisan immigration bill passed by the Senate 68-32. Apparently they’re too busy with symbolic abortion bills and repeals of Obamacare.
From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:   NY Jets coach, Rex Ryan, participated in Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls; )or as the bulls call it: Goring of the Drunken Idiots.)  There was a huge, crazed animal destroying everything in its path, and besides Rex Ryan, there was a bull.