Posted tagged ‘NFL arrest jokes’

That’s my story, and I’m trying not to stick to it.

February 4, 2015

Wow. NBC News anchor Brian Williams admitted today that his 2003 story of being shot down in a military helicopter down by enemy fire in Iraq was false, but “I don’t know what screwed up in my mind that caused me to conflate one aircraft with another… I feel terrible about making this mistake.” “Conflate one aircraft with another?” I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Conrad Hilton Jr, 20, appeared in court and was ordered to surrender his passport during a court appearance over a meltdown on a flight from London to LA last year which including him calling flight attendants ‘f***ing peasants.” Who knew that big sister Paris would turn out to be the class of that family.’

So on the highways in the greater Seattle area, will all “No passing lanes” be renamed in honor of Pete Carroll?”

So the Super Bowl was only a few days ago, and already we’ve had 3 current NFL players arrested. Letroy Guion, D’Qwell Jackson, and Joseph Randle. Looking good for all those who bet the “over” in Vegas.

Indanapolis Colts LB D’Qwell Jackson has been arrested and charged with assault for hitting a pizza deliveryman over an argument about a parking space. Isn’t it time for the NFL to welcome their new sponsor, Uber?

In the “cheer up, things could be worse” airline division, I give you China’s Spring Airlines, which is trying to get approval for selling  discount tickets to passengers willing to stand. No joke.

Yasiel Puig just said that the Los Angeles Dodgers real rivals are not the SF Giants, but the St. Louis Cardinals. That ought to make Puig even more popular when the Dodgers visit AT&T Park in April.

From Alex Kaseberg.  “The Chicago Cubs’ renovation of Wrigley Field has caused a huge neighborhood rat infestation. The good news? They’re Cubs rats, so they’ll be gone by October.”

Because of a case involving an HIV-positive man who didn’t disclose his condition to his partner, the Florida Supreme Court will now consider the definition of “sexual intercourse.” Though presumably they turned down a request to testify on the subject from Bill Clinton.

 

Anthem, the second largest health insurer in the US, said today its database has been hacked, potentially exposing personal information about 80 million customers. Anthem said that the breach exposed “names, birthdays, social security numbers, street AND email addresses, plus employment information, including income data,” But no credit card information was exposed. Well, okay, as long as the hackers didn’t get anything important. ‪#‎facepalm‬

Arrested development.

April 15, 2014

There have been 17 NFL arrests so far in 2014, including one owner. Right now the 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens are tied with most, with three each. But don’t rule out the perennial contenders like the Detroit Lions and Cincinnati Bengals.

So if the Easter Bunny sees his shadow in the snow on Sunday, how many more weeks does the Midwest have of winter?

 

Another Macy’s “One Day Sale” that goes Tuesday and Wednesday. Because “It’s a sale too big to fit in a day.”. Wouldn’t it be easier just to call it a “Two Day Sale?”

 

 

Safeway is advertising “semi-boneless” leg of lamb. “Semi-boneless?” Isn’t that like “semi-pregnant?”

Jordan Spieth, 20, talking about Sunday at the Masters. “I’m definitely still stinging, there’s no doubt about it, to work your whole life to be in position to win a golf tournament you’ve always dreamed of” and then fall short. And hundreds of other professional golfers just wept.

(As my friend Julia Park Tracey says “I have socks older than he is.”)

Tennessee men’s basketball coach Cuonzo Martin is leaving for Cal. His successor will be the team’s third coach since 2011. So these days for the Volunteers, “one-and-done” actually refers to coaches.

 

Congrats to the Memphis Grizzlies, who tonight earned the 8th and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. The NBA’s version of “one and done.”

In the NBA, the 37-44 Hawks have clinched a playoff berth. Although it’s an 8 seed. Had they only been in the NCAA, Atlanta might have rated at least a 4 seed.

A new Field poll says that 79% of Californians disapprove of Congress. But only 33% disapprove of their own representative. #itsnotmineitsyours

Bill O’Reilly says that conservatives won’t watch #StephenColbert on the #LateShow. As if they are watching #Letterman now….

Another thought about that US Airways customer service tweet. Actually, wasn’t the woman just using the plane to do to herself what most airlines when we complain tell us to do to ourselves?

 

The Congressional Budget Office says Obamacare will cost $104 billion less than expected over the next ten years. Time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again.

A CNN investigation of the House Ways and Means Committee, which writes U.S. tax laws, found that at least 8 members have had issues with their own taxes, from being late to failure to pay certain taxes at all. Politicians don’t always follow the laws they make? I’m shocked, shocked…. 

 

For all the complaints about #MLB instant replay, it doesn’t slow down the game 1/2 as much as #JoshBeckett. #SFGiants

(point of illustration, Beckett started Tuesday night’s game, which started at 715p, finished the bottom of the 9th, at 1055p)

 

 

 

 

 

Streaking

July 10, 2013

Oakland Raiders’ LB Kaluka Maiava has been charged with assault after a fight earlier this year in a Maui bar. Gosh, and there goes the NFL’s streak of about 72 hours since the last arrest.

Let’s hope SF Giants get it together soon. Otherwise the seagulls who fly into A T and T Park to hunt for garbage might fly away with half the team’s outfield.

Sarah Palin may run for the Senate in 2014. Apparently she’s decided it would be a great place to spend three years of her life..

Actual notice on a FedEx wine shipment. “Do not deliver to an intoxicated person.” Great, what do we need now? Drivers with portable breathalyzers?

Now a video has surfaced of Justin Bieber urinating into a restaurant mop bucket. I know the singer is young, but is he trying to prove he’s old enough for Lindsay Lohan?

Have no real reason to suspect Chris Davis of PEDs, but for all those who say, “He MUST be clean because he has spoken so stridently against them,” see Ryan Braun and Rafael Palmeiro.

Pitcher Chad Gaudin, now with the SF Giants, formerly with the Yankees, has been charged with “open and gross lewdness” for making advances and groping a woman in a Las Vegas hospital this January. Who did Gaudin think he was? Joe Namath?

Wal-Mart is threatening not to open three planned stores in Washington, D.C. if the city goes ahead with raising the minimum wage to $12.50 an hour. Well, and why not? Why should government interfere with the right of a corporation to pay as little as possible when food stamps and Medicaid are available?

They may have swept the Giants but they’re still the Mets: The NY Mets drastically scaled back Native American Heritage day when they realized they were to host Atlanta the same day. Because they didn’t want to offend the Braves. So now they offended the actual Indians, who pulled out of the event.

Pat Robertson says he would like to see a “Vomit” button on Facebook for photos of gay couples. Funny, because millions of gay and straight couples would like to see a “Vomit’ button for pictures of Pat Robertson 
Former Florida State OL Menelik Watson just got his ACC championship ring on Wednesday. Except that it read “2012 SEC Champions.”
Two reactions: At the jewelry company – “FSU football players can read?” At Ohio State – “Darn, a ring with a mistake would have fetched more money.”
House Speaker John Boehner says the House will not even vote on the bipartisan immigration bill passed by the Senate 68-32. Apparently they’re too busy with symbolic abortion bills and repeals of Obamacare.
From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:   NY Jets coach, Rex Ryan, participated in Pamplona’s Running of the Bulls; )or as the bulls call it: Goring of the Drunken Idiots.)  There was a huge, crazed animal destroying everything in its path, and besides Rex Ryan, there was a bull.