Posted tagged ‘Easter jokes’

Easter turkeys?

March 27, 2016

Wonder how many sports fans decided to turn off the Syracuse Virginia game late in favor of sitting down to Easter dinner with their families ‪#‎neveragain‬

This might have been the most abject & complete surrender with ‪#‎VIrginia‬ not at the Appomattox Court House. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ ‪#‎Syracuse‬

 

Silver lining for today’s Syracuse-Virginia game: Alums of Northern Iowa no longer have to be known for the biggest late choke job in the 2016 ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ tournament.

 

So who is happier after Syracuse’s amazing comeback today against Virginia. Stunned Syracuse alums? Or North Carolina fans who suddenly see their way a bit clearer to the finals? ‪#‎iftheydontfreakoutoverapress‬

#‎Virginia‬ got outscored 28-8 in the last 9 minutes of game. With shooting like that they’ll be getting a post-game call from Dick Cheney?

Stanford women lost today in the Elite Eight of the NCAA women’s basketball tournament. But this would all be more interesting if the end goal wasn’t simply to get into the finals and be destroyed by UConn. ‪#‎dominance‬

#‎Microsoft‬ is rumored to be thinking of buying ‪#‎Yahoo‬. The computer industry version of two wrongs trying to make a right?

A proposed new law in New Jersey would make it illegal to text and walk on public sidewalks and roads. Isn’t this a violation of our American rights to go for Darwin awards?

“Batman vs. Superman” has gotten horrible reviews, but apparently still has made almost $200 million on its opening weekend. When asked what they thought of the plot, most moviegoers responded “Plot?”

The Rolling Stones just had a free concert in Havana. Cubans loved it. Watching Mick Jagger and Keith Richards on stage made them think their cars really aren’t that old by comparison.

 

John Kasich today said that the families of presidential candidates to stay “off-limits.” “You cannot get these attacks on families There’s got to be some rules.”
And Hillary’s spouse is thinking “Sounds good to me.”

Donald Trump says if elected he would cut down on his use of Twitter “I’m not going to be doing it very much as president. I will act to protect our country, whether that’s counterpunching or not.”
But what about protecting our country’s comedy writers?

NBC News foreign affairs correspondent Andrea Mitchell says Donald Trump is “completely uneducated about any part of the world.”
And many Trump supporters are going- she says that like it’s a bad thing?

Bernie Sanders is sending emails complaining about how “obscene” it is for Hillary Clinton to attend a charity event with George Clooney with a $353,400 price tag per couple to be at the head table. Fair enough, but a- the price to attend the dinner is “only” $33,400, and b- not like Bernie himself is turning down big $$$ celebrity donations. ‪#‎allmoneyistainted‬

High holy day.

April 19, 2014

This year Easter falls on 4 20, the national pot holiday. So hide those chocolate bunnies.

If Sunday is all about resurrection maybe Christians should add a few prayers for the #SFGiants offense?

At some point it’s not the opposing pitcher shutting you down with great stuff: #SFGiants hitting becoming oxymoron.

In New Jersey, a woman is suing the Department of Motor Vehicles for rejecting her request for a vanity license plate reading “8THEIST.” Where are the small government folks lining up to defend her right to free speech on this one?

Anyone who thinks baseball players aren’t tough, I give you the Reds’ Aroldis, cleared to throw BP exactly a month after he was hit in the face by one of his 100pm fastballs lined back at him in spring training.

The Philadelphia 76ers ended up 19-63, and but they hold two lottery picks. So their owner said yesterday “I think the season has been a huge success for us.” And for any team lucky enough to have the Sixers on the schedule.

 

A whole new phenomenon in baseball, the manager coming out to chat with the umpire, seeing the thumbs down from the bench coach who’s talking to the replay coach, and walking back to the dugout. So while waiting do they talk about restaurants?

The A’s Jed Lowrie angered the Houston Astros Friday night when he tried to bunt against the shift in the first inning with Oakland up 7-0. But hey, it’s the Astros. Is it unfair to bunt against them with any lead at all?

Both Alabama QB’s struggled in their Spring game. Meaning Nick Saban will be looking for more anti-offense college football rule changes in the name of “safety.”

Macy’s CEO just spoke out against raising the minimum wage. What, if the store has to pay more they’ll only be able to have “One Day Sales” every other day?

The Columbus Blue Jackets had their first playoff win ever Saturday night. And two questions from most Americans. 1. Columbus has a pro team? 2. What sport?

CNN headline on MH370, the search is at a “critical juncture.” Presumably because the searchers are running out of ideas, and CNN is running out of adjectives?

Fox News has fired an executive who used her company e-mail account for a charity drive for relatives of MH370’s passengers. Guess she should have known better. Had the woman simply used her business email to attack Obama she would have been fine.

Arrested development.

April 15, 2014

There have been 17 NFL arrests so far in 2014, including one owner. Right now the 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens are tied with most, with three each. But don’t rule out the perennial contenders like the Detroit Lions and Cincinnati Bengals.

So if the Easter Bunny sees his shadow in the snow on Sunday, how many more weeks does the Midwest have of winter?

 

Another Macy’s “One Day Sale” that goes Tuesday and Wednesday. Because “It’s a sale too big to fit in a day.”. Wouldn’t it be easier just to call it a “Two Day Sale?”

 

 

Safeway is advertising “semi-boneless” leg of lamb. “Semi-boneless?” Isn’t that like “semi-pregnant?”

Jordan Spieth, 20, talking about Sunday at the Masters. “I’m definitely still stinging, there’s no doubt about it, to work your whole life to be in position to win a golf tournament you’ve always dreamed of” and then fall short. And hundreds of other professional golfers just wept.

(As my friend Julia Park Tracey says “I have socks older than he is.”)

Tennessee men’s basketball coach Cuonzo Martin is leaving for Cal. His successor will be the team’s third coach since 2011. So these days for the Volunteers, “one-and-done” actually refers to coaches.

 

Congrats to the Memphis Grizzlies, who tonight earned the 8th and final playoff spot in the Western Conference. The NBA’s version of “one and done.”

In the NBA, the 37-44 Hawks have clinched a playoff berth. Although it’s an 8 seed. Had they only been in the NCAA, Atlanta might have rated at least a 4 seed.

A new Field poll says that 79% of Californians disapprove of Congress. But only 33% disapprove of their own representative. #itsnotmineitsyours

Bill O’Reilly says that conservatives won’t watch #StephenColbert on the #LateShow. As if they are watching #Letterman now….

Another thought about that US Airways customer service tweet. Actually, wasn’t the woman just using the plane to do to herself what most airlines when we complain tell us to do to ourselves?

 

The Congressional Budget Office says Obamacare will cost $104 billion less than expected over the next ten years. Time for the GOP to start talking about Benghazi again.

A CNN investigation of the House Ways and Means Committee, which writes U.S. tax laws, found that at least 8 members have had issues with their own taxes, from being late to failure to pay certain taxes at all. Politicians don’t always follow the laws they make? I’m shocked, shocked…. 

 

For all the complaints about #MLB instant replay, it doesn’t slow down the game 1/2 as much as #JoshBeckett. #SFGiants

(point of illustration, Beckett started Tuesday night’s game, which started at 715p, finished the bottom of the 9th, at 1055p)

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing lasts forever

April 14, 2014

But some things come close.

 

It’s only five days until Easter. Time to start trying to remember where you put the Marshmallow Peeps in storage?

I don’t watch “Game of Thrones.” But it appears to be a show where you might want to turn down wedding invitations.

After winning the Masters Bubba Watson headed to Waffle House. Unlike Tiger Woods, however, Watson actually went for the food.

It was an exciting Masters golf tournament this year, except that neither Tiger nor Phil were there on the weekend. And ESPN executives said to their pals at CBS – “Now you know how we feel when the game of the week isn’t between the Red Sox and Yankees!”

 

In Louisiana, Gov. Bobby Jindal has joined the state GOP chair in calling on Vance McAllister, who was seen on video kissing his staffer, to resign from Congress. Guessing we’re going to wait a long time for a statement on the subject from Senator David Vitter.

Michael Phelps announced he is coming out of retirement, which means he could swim at the 2016 Rio Olympics. “Attaboy” said Brett Favre.

If #MH370 wasn’t still missing wonder how many days CNN would devote to the #USAirways twitter fiasco?

Someone in US Airways’ social media customer service department accidentally tweeted out a lewd picture in response to a customer comment.  Well, it will make for an interesting story when he or she gets asked “So why did you leave your last profession?”

 

Delta refers to their extra legroom seats as “Economy comfort.” Fair enough. But they should call the rest of the plane by its true name – “Economy discomfort.”

Newt Gingrich says Kathleen Sibelius was “right to resign” over the Obamacare website “disgrace.” Well, if anyone knows about resigning in disgrace….

The Wisconsin GOP’s Resolutions Committee just affirmed the party’s support for “legislation that upholds Wisconsin’s right, under extreme circumstances, to secede.” Well, if the state can make this happen, can they take Arizona, Florida and Texas with them?

Tony La Russa says he is surprised there haven’t been more “hiccups” with the new MLB instant replay. So how many blown calls did he expect in the first two weeks?

Investigators hired by Chris Christie reported the N.J. Governor had tears in his eyes during a meeting after he first learned of the news report linking his aides to the the George Washington Bridge closure. Crying over their involvement, or crying over getting caught?

A 14-year-old Dutch girl was arrested after sending American Airlines a tweet saying “hello my name’s Ibrahim and I’m from Afghanistan. I’m part of Al Qaida and on June 1st I’m gonna do something really big bye.” What was she thinking? Gal is WAY too young to be dating Aldon Smith.

 

Really? John Calipari now says he would coach at Kentucky longer if the “one-and-done” rule was altered to keep kids in school at least two years. Maybe he thinks if players stay twice as long he’d have half the chance of getting caught for recruiting violations?

Gary M on the woman who was dragged from her garage by bears who were looking for food.

“If only she’d been wearing her heels…”

Hoppy Easter.

April 8, 2012

Appalling bunny on bunny violence. Happy Easter anyway.


Another Easter thought: Love may fade. But marshmallow peeps are forever.

Tim Tebow is giving an Easter Sunday sermon. Parishioners expect the speech to start slow but close with a great last ten minutes.

Jamie Moyer tonight bid to be the oldest pitcher ever to win an MLB game. In honor of the occasion the Rockies were going to present him with a copy of his first ever box score. But they couldn’t find anyone to translate the original Sanskrit.

Boston Red Sox 0-2 after a 10-0 shutout against the Detroit Tigers. Who knew- maybe beer and fried chicken are performance enhancing drugs.

Donald Trump revised the rules in his Miss Universe pageant to allow transgender women like Jenna Talackova to compete. Makes some sense, Trump himself probably is a bit nebulous about the gender of that fuzzy thing that lives on his head.

Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Rick Scott, starting July 1, it will be legal in Florida to dye bunnies pink, chicks blue, and poodles purple. (A GOP senator put the amendment on an agriculture bill, at the request of a dog groomer, thereby repealing a 45-year-old ban on artificially dying or coloring certain animals or fowl.) Can we just let the Sunshine State secede and be done with it?

Frustrated with his tee shot on the 16th today, Tiger Woods dropped his club and kicked it 15 yards. Woods may be fined by the PGA for his outburst, but on the brighter side, he’s allegedly been contacted for a tryout by a few NFL teams.

That 18 year old who left school and her family to live with her teacher has broken up with him after his arrest for a relationship with another student in 1998. Jordan Powers said she ended things with James Hooker when he called her from jail, “My heart dropped. I felt betrayed. I just have a gut feeling there are other girls.” Ya think?

Not a belated April Fool’s joke. Pizza Huts in the U.K. now selling Pizza with a hot dog stuffed crust. (Large size pizzas only, natch.) What’s most amazing, this idea didn’t originate in the U.S.

Happy half-price chocolate bunny day.

April 26, 2011

I don’t believe in conspiracy theories, but it is a nice coincidence for dentists this year that Easter comes almost exactly six months after Halloween.

And today is Easter Monday. Second only to the day after Halloween as “Half-price candy day.”

In Mexico, the day after Halloween is known as “Day of the Dead.”  Which in the U.S. only describes the way many people feel after overdosing on chocolate bunnies and jelly bean eggs.

In Philly, Easter 2011 may be remembered as the day, however briefly, that the 76ers rose from the dead.

Former Pennsylvania Senator and current Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum is now calling his vote to create the Medicare prescription drug benefit “a mistake.” Which is exactly what many Pennsylvanians, including Republicans,  are calling their previous votes for Rick Santorum.

For my hockey fan friends: A 3-0 lead turned into a 3-3 tie with game 7 coming up. The Vancouver Canucks are about to answer the question “What’s the difference between them and the Maple Leafs?” with “A little more than a week.”

Meanwhile, in the NBA, the series is tied 2-2, and the odds still favor Los Angeles. But if New Orleans somehow pulls off this first round upset, the Lakers can add May to the list of months (currently October-April) where they haven’t bothered to show up.

And for any Northern California sports fans looking for a reason to root for the Hornets – New Orleans fans do a pretty good “Beat L.A” chant.

But, okay, who’d a thunk the Mets might have had more wins this week than the Rangers and Knicks put together?

All you folks complaining about the hoopla surrounding the marriage of Prince William and Catherine Middleton, cut the English and Anglophiles some slack. After all, years from now this will probably go down in history as the first wedding to involve a Queen of England since Sir Elton John tied the knot with David Furnish.

Weddings and beyond….

April 23, 2011

Open note to single men claiming they can’t meet any women: try placing a Craigslist ad looking for a date to watch the Royal Wedding.

 –

Melania Trump, Donald’s third wife, is a former model and current jewelry designer. She was coy when a reporter asked what she would wear “if she were to attend an inauguration in 2013.” Of course, considering the Donald’s marriage history, it’s not a slam dunk Melania will be anywhere near him in 2013.

After going 15-22 in three seasons with the Wolverines, former coach Rich Rodriguez told CBSSports.com that he thinks leaving West Virginia for Ann Arbor may have been a mistake. “May have been?” That sound you hear is a collective snicker from several million Michigan fans.

A D.C. friend responded to me about a question regarding the NHL Washington Capitals -“I’m a casual fan, I root for them but I don’t watch them.” Think that describes a lot of people wearing teal in Northern California.

Despite the San Jose Sharks’ success to this point, tonight they learned why spotting your opponent a three-four goal head start is not universally accepted as a good strategy.

A reporter interviewing LeBron James referred to Cleveland as “your city.” James’ response. “It wasn’t my city. It wasn’t my team either, I was just a player.” Wonder how many of the few remaining unburnt Lebron jerseys in Cleveland survived that comment.

The New York City Board of Elections says Donald Trump hasn’t voted in any primary elections since 1989. Responded Trump “Only the little people vote in primary elections.”

And anyone who doesn’t like sacrilegious attempts at  jokes stop reading now:

Happy Easter. When we all celebrate Jesus rising from the dead with a basket of chocolate eggs he distributed to all the good little boys and girls….right?

And remember this, love may fade. But marshmallow peeps are forever.

Happy Easter.

April 4, 2010

For many Americans, Easter is the holiest day on the calendar. Well, besides Opening Day.


Congratulations to Butler. But how young is their coach Brad Stevens? He had to cut his post-game celebrations off early to get home to wait for the Easter Bunny.


Butler won 52 to 50 despite going almost 11 minutes without a field goal. At one point many fans were checking to see if there was a hockey game on a different channel in hopes of seeing some actual scoring.

Congrats also to the Cal women, who won the NIT women’s basketball title game 73-61 over Miami. So what do you yell when you win the NIT? “We’re number 65?!”

Groaner time…

It’s the time of year when many Americans, not only children, are dreaming of chocolate eggs and rabbits. And realizing, “you’re nobunny ’til somebunny loves you.”

Okay, who thought this would happen simultaneously in our lifetimes? The President of the United States is black…and most of the players on the NCAA men’s basketball teams playing for the national championship are white.

Apparently Callaway Golf will award a full set of its new Diablo Edge clubs to any player in major league baseball who hits a home run at least 470 feet. But what about those other players they couldn’t do it without – Pitchers. Shouldn’t they have a chance to win a prize for giving up such a home run? Barry Zito could end up with this own driving range.


Actually, another interesting question about these prizes for home runs. How long before Calloway limits the prize to home runs NOT hit at Yankee Stadium?


Rudy Giuliani is trying to pay back Governor Charlie Crist for not endorsing him in the Florida presidential primary, by endorsing Crist’s conservative opponent, Marco Rubio, in the Republican Senate primary. Well that ought to help Rubio with the Floridians who voted for Giuliani, both of them.


From Bill Littlejohn, after Carrie Underwood, engaged to NHL player Mike Fisher, announced that the ring bearer will be her pet Chihuahua: “So who’s catering the wedding, Taco Bell?”

(and I have to wonder, what’s the title of the wedding video going to be? Legally Married Blonde? )

Hoppin’ along the Bunny trail…

April 2, 2010

In Glendale, California, police officers used a policeman in a bunny outfit to decoy bad drivers at crosswalks and to cite those who didn’t stop. Good thing they didn’t try this with Sarah Palin in town, she might have shot him.


A twisted thought for Easter weekend – Love may fade, but marshmallow peeps are forever.

The roughest part of this weekend for President Obama is his youngest daughter being old enough that he has to tell her there’s no Easter bunny. This might be one of the saddest moments in the White House since Dick Cheney told George W. there’s no Santa Claus.
– –

The White House Easter Egg Roll is Monday. It’s one of the events George W. Bush misses the most now that he is not President. But Laura is coloring some eggs to roll for him.

The man who was first in line waiting for the iPhone at the New York City Apple Store in 2007 is back. He is now the first person waiting in line for Saturday’s release of the iPad. Let me guess, he didn’t have to cancel a date to do this.


Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers says he “forgot” he had a loaded gun in his carry-on bag at the airport. And they accuse women of not knowing what’s in our purses.

The latest opposition to the Oakland As moving to San Jose comes from the San Jose Sharks. I guess they don’t want another team around that actually wins games in May.


The best thing about all this hype about Butler playing a home game in the Final Four. It allows all the fair-weather bandwagon jumpers to assert, “Yes, they do know the team they are rooting for, and they actually know where it’s located.”


Can’t yet believe that the NCAA wants to expand March Madness to 96 teams. With college-level basketball play already at its worst level in recent memory. On the bright side, maybe there will be room for the New Jersey Nets.


The Nets are so happy that they actually have won 10 games. Out of a 82 game season. At this point that puts them only three regular season wins behind the New Orleans Saints.

Was the Easter Bunny on steroids?

April 13, 2009

You might wonder if your Easter Bunny was on steroids if…

If you follow hippity hoppity down the bunny trail there are divits the size of potholes…

Somebunny actually figured out a way to squash your Easter Marshmellow Peeps.  (Which normally will outlive us all.)

Surveillance cameras show a creature with ears in proportion to a very large head.

Kids say his performance far  surpasses that of Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

All remaining Santa images in the house have been destroyed it what looks like a jealous rage?

His new slogan “Chicks dig the long ears?”

And then, as suggested by Bill Littlejohn, “hare loss.”