Posted tagged ‘Cuba jokes’

Don’t wait until next year.

September 29, 2016

In New York tonight before the game with the Red Sox the Yankees announced that they “would like to put the rivalry aside for a few minutes and honor David Ortiz.”   A nice gesture, even if what they are really honoring is Big Papi’s decision to retire.

Forget Tim Tebow, the guy who may have a real future in baseball is John Kilichowski. a minor league pitcher from Vanderbilt who gave up Tebow’s first AB home run – this was his tweet: “I thought we agreed you were taking first pitch @TimTebow”

Knott’s Berry Farm and California’s Great America pulled the plug on their new FearVR experience. The attraction had people wear virtual reality googles that made them feel like they were in a mental hospital along with a dangerous fellow patient.
The real question – who thought this was a good idea???

Alabama senior LB Tim Williams, a top draft prospect who has started every game, was arrested this morning for allegedly carrying a pistol without a permit. What a shame this didn’t happen last week, so Nick Saban could have suspended Williams for the first half of the Kent State game.

USA Today has never endorsed a candidate for President in their history. Today they wrote an editorial “Don’t vote for Trump.”  So let’s see, the Donald will be revoking their press credentials for his events in 3.2.1….

 

 

So is #GaryJohnson trying to prove he’s the reincarnation of Admiral Stockdale running for President?

At the University of Missouri, the Delta Upsilon frat has been suspended after individuals inside their house were allegedly shouting out the windows at members of the Legion of Black Collegians” with taunts, obscenities and racial slurs.
Once again, in the U.S. people are free to think bigoted thoughts, but how could they be so clueless these days to think publicizing it was a good idea. #educationmightfixsomeprejudices but #cantfixstupid

 

Clearly election is over w/ news that Bill & Hillary after they left the White House spent money to set up illegal business in #Cuba. Oh wait, never mind.

Sad story from New Jersey with the train crash. Officials say “after an initial evaluation of the scene, it appears that the event may have been accidental and not related to terrorism.”
Reminding us again, that as much as we fear terrorists sometimes, our real risks are more often mundane things like infrastructure failure and human error.

Hillary Clinton tweeted out a sympathy message to those affected by the New Jersey train crash this morning, Donald Trump followed about an hour later. Was that how long it took for him to decide it wasn’t terrorism

Last night in Iowa, Donald Trump “Raise your hand if you’re not a Christian conservative. I want to see this, right? Oh there’s a a couple people, that’s all right. I think we’ll keep them, right? Should we keep them in the room, yes? I think so.”
New hashtag #ifyouarenotscaredyouarenotpayingattention

Rumors are that #DonaldTrump might ask #ChrisChristie to help him before the 2nd debate. So are there bridges to be closed in St. Louis?

 

Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway complained to Megyn Kelly that Hillary Clinton was targeting Trump with negative ads and using comments he made about women ‘25 years ago’.
But of course it’s perfectly acceptable for Trump to talk about Bill Clinton’s behavior with women 25-35 years ago.

 

Alex Kaseberg, after New Englands QB Tom Brady was spotted sunbathing nude in Italy with Giselle while serving his Deflategate suspension: “In a related story, players all over the league began deflating footballs.”

 

 

From T.C.  “The Donald says that he won the debate on Monday night. That coincides with the Falcons and Saints claiming that “Defense” was the difference on their football game.”

Advertisements

First cut is the deepest?

May 10, 2016
 Ray Lewis has been let go by ESPN. Wonder if he decided to cut and run?

 

Rough overtime loss for ‪#‎SJSharks‬. But at least so far they have outscored the ‪#‎SFGIants‬

‪#‎Raptors‬ & ‪#‎Heat‬ are fighting very hard to see who gets the right to be swept by the ‪#‎Cavaliers‬. ‪#‎TORvsMIA‬

 

 

Warriors vs Blazers was almost 3 hours before overtime.  Yep, we all watch ‪#‎NBAPlayoffs‬ just to see these referees at work.

But going to be amusing when a lot of people wake up on the East Coast and wonder, so what happened in that GS-Portland overtime?

ESPN reported Monday morning “Breaking News” Steph ‪#‎Curry‬ will win ‪#‎NBA‬ ‪#‎MVP‬ this season. Wouldn’t it actually have been news only if he didn’t win?

 

#‎Padres‬ apparently interested in Tim Lincecum. Presumably mostly just to make sure Timmy doesn’t pitch against them. ‪#‎twonohitters‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

So now North Carolina and the feds are suing each other over this gender-bathroom law. Good to know things are going so well in the U.S. that we don’t have any more pressing issues to worry about.

 

Antonio Cromartie’s wife has just had twins, bringing the NFL cornerback’s total number of children to 12 by 8 different women. He tweeted out “Thank you to everyone with your support and kind words. God Bless you all.”
And God is thinking “uh, about that go forth and multiply. I didn’t really mean exponentially.”

The first American cruise to Cuba in over 50 years returned with 14 passengers out of over 700 having stomach ailments which could be norovirus. Or they could be suffering from “lots of rum and cigars.”

Adrian Peterson says the Minnesota Vikings “are going to have a good chance to win it this year — win everything.”  “Everything?”  Hmm, is the team buying lottery tickets?

 

Topps now have “Topps Now,” an on-demand business to print limited-edition cards for 24 hours. Bartolo Colon’s home run featured on such a card sold 8,826 in 24 hours, breaking the old record of 1,808 for Jake Arieta’s no-hitter card.
What a shame that “Topps Now” didn’t exist for Mickey Lolich who shared Colon’s physique and hitting ability. He also hit one home run in his life – during the 1968 World Series.

The Social Security Administration released its list of top baby names last Friday, and said that in 2015, “Isis” has fallen out of the top 1000 US. baby names. And who saw that coming?

 

Paul Ryan said today that he will step down as a co-chair of the 2016 GOP convention if Donald Trump asks him to do so. Translation “oh, please, oh please.”

All kinds of consternation over the weekend when Donald Trump talked about raising taxes on the wealthy. Of course, this is the man who said he started out with a “little loan of $1 million from his father.” So his concept of wealthy might be a little different from most the rest of ours.

Oops, never mind. Trump today on that tax hike for the wealthy. “I could see the wealthy getting raised, but I’m not talking about getting raised from where they are now. I’m talking about getting raised from my low proposal.”
For someone who hasn’t been a politician he’s learned to flip flop faster than almost any of them.

Easter turkeys?

March 27, 2016

Wonder how many sports fans decided to turn off the Syracuse Virginia game late in favor of sitting down to Easter dinner with their families ‪#‎neveragain‬

This might have been the most abject & complete surrender with ‪#‎VIrginia‬ not at the Appomattox Court House. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ ‪#‎Syracuse‬

 

Silver lining for today’s Syracuse-Virginia game: Alums of Northern Iowa no longer have to be known for the biggest late choke job in the 2016 ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ tournament.

 

So who is happier after Syracuse’s amazing comeback today against Virginia. Stunned Syracuse alums? Or North Carolina fans who suddenly see their way a bit clearer to the finals? ‪#‎iftheydontfreakoutoverapress‬

#‎Virginia‬ got outscored 28-8 in the last 9 minutes of game. With shooting like that they’ll be getting a post-game call from Dick Cheney?

Stanford women lost today in the Elite Eight of the NCAA women’s basketball tournament. But this would all be more interesting if the end goal wasn’t simply to get into the finals and be destroyed by UConn. ‪#‎dominance‬

#‎Microsoft‬ is rumored to be thinking of buying ‪#‎Yahoo‬. The computer industry version of two wrongs trying to make a right?

A proposed new law in New Jersey would make it illegal to text and walk on public sidewalks and roads. Isn’t this a violation of our American rights to go for Darwin awards?

“Batman vs. Superman” has gotten horrible reviews, but apparently still has made almost $200 million on its opening weekend. When asked what they thought of the plot, most moviegoers responded “Plot?”

The Rolling Stones just had a free concert in Havana. Cubans loved it. Watching Mick Jagger and Keith Richards on stage made them think their cars really aren’t that old by comparison.

 

John Kasich today said that the families of presidential candidates to stay “off-limits.” “You cannot get these attacks on families There’s got to be some rules.”
And Hillary’s spouse is thinking “Sounds good to me.”

Donald Trump says if elected he would cut down on his use of Twitter “I’m not going to be doing it very much as president. I will act to protect our country, whether that’s counterpunching or not.”
But what about protecting our country’s comedy writers?

NBC News foreign affairs correspondent Andrea Mitchell says Donald Trump is “completely uneducated about any part of the world.”
And many Trump supporters are going- she says that like it’s a bad thing?

Bernie Sanders is sending emails complaining about how “obscene” it is for Hillary Clinton to attend a charity event with George Clooney with a $353,400 price tag per couple to be at the head table. Fair enough, but a- the price to attend the dinner is “only” $33,400, and b- not like Bernie himself is turning down big $$$ celebrity donations. ‪#‎allmoneyistainted‬

Point – counterpoint?

March 24, 2016

Today ‪#‎Cruz‬ called ‪#‎Trump‬ a “sniveling coward.” So in Presidential debates can we expect one of them to say “‪#‎Hillary‬ you ignorant slut?”

 

The GOP has hammered Obama for staying in Cuba and then traveling to Argentina after the Brussels attacks. Right, a real leader would have stayed home and fought a Twitter battle over his opponent’s spouses?

Today was the 15th anniversary of the day Randy Johnson pulverized a bird with a pitch. Poor bird, if he had only been hit by Barry Zito, he’d have been telling the story to his grandchicks.

#‎RGIII‬ has signed with the Cleveland ‪#‎Browns‬. Same circus, different ringmaster?

 

In Indiana, it is now illegal to abort a pregnancy because of fetal abnormalities. But no doubt the “pro-life” folks will also make sure mothers of disabled babies/children/adults will have welfare and medical care as long as they need it…… ‪#‎sarcasm‬

 

In Palm Bay, a 24-year-old woman, angry her boyfriend was at a topless bar, confronted him in the parking lot, fought with him, and then ran him over with a car Back on your game, Florida. ‪#‎ifonlyshewasarmed‬

 

Florida looking to extend their lead for the week: A woman and her husband were both arrested after she hit him with a Burrito Supreme and he responded by stabbing her in the hand with a fork he was using to eat a Taco Bell pizza. ‪#‎standyourguacamole‬?

 

Arizona Cardinals coach Bruce Arians, saying only “fools” don’t want their kids to play football. “This is the greatest game in the world I think it teaches more values than any other game that you play.”
Right, that’s why the NFL leads other pro sports leagues with their arrest rate….

You know it’s really spring in Denver when…. a blizzard shuts down the airport.

 

Passengers on board a private plane escaped injury when their landing gear collapsed at San Jose Airport. Good thing it wasn’t United – they’d have probably started to charge a wheels fee.

So in the SF Bay Area March means two things: Next month the Giants are back. And next month the 49ers will make another bad draft pick.

OK, 66 is WAY too damn young. R.I.P Garry Shandling. My favorite quote – “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.”

Michele Bachmann wrote a long rambling post basically intimating that the Brussels bombings were Obama’s fault because God wanted to force the media to pull their attention from his Cuba trip. Wow. Is Bachmann angling for a post in a possible Trump cabinet?

From Dwight Perry, “If you think the NFL’s “what’s a catch?” rule can be cruel, ponder this for a second: Northern Iowa won an NCAA tournament game on a half-court heave that was still in the air 10 feet from the basket when the final buzzer sounded — and Cincinnati lost even though its tying shot was inside the cylinder at the buzzer. The latter because the shooter’s fingertip was still touching the ball.
Yeah, sports are weird.

 

 

 

 

 

Cheers?

March 23, 2016

A new Harris study says that Americans drink more when they are happy and celebrating than when they are stressed and having bad days. Which does not quite explain beer sales over the years at Wrigley Field.

 

 

Carmelo Anthony says that Syracuse is going to beat Gonzaga on Friday: “We’re going to win. We’re going to the Elite 8.” Wonder if the 2016 Knicks could make it to the Elite 8.

Aaron Rodgers says he saw a UFO in New Jersey in 2005. Is he sure it wasn’t one of Eli Manning’s rookie year passes?

Conrad Dobler, 65, a retired NFL offensive guard, said in an interview talking about his memory loss. “I have six kids, I don’t even know their names.”
Sad, but in the NFL there are young men without CTE who don’t even know how many kids they HAVE.

 

The JetBlue flight attendant who fled a security checkpoint after being caught trying to smuggle 70lb of cocaine in her carry-on bag has turned herself in. Still trying to wrap my head around that 70 lbs – and I thought my purse was heavy.

After playing the Cuban national team the Tampa Bay Rays’ plane had mechanical issues and was stuck on the tarmac for hours in Havana. So the U.S. players must have felt right at home.

Forbes says the New York Yankees are the most valuable team in baseball, now at a $3.4 billion valuation. Imagine what they’d be worth with real playoff revenue again.

 

A-Rod told ESPN.com today that “I won’t play after next year.” Later he told the NY Daily News that after his contract ends in 2017, “we’ll see what happens.”
“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.

Lebron James said on the A&M comeback over UNI: “I would quit basketball. If I was on Northern Iowa, I would quit.”
Hmm, because that loss was almost as embarrassing as getting swept by the Spurs in the the 2007 NBA finals? ‪#‎stayclassy‬

At Stanford Shopping Center in  California, an off-duty police officer working security for a business accidentally left his gun in a restroom. Fortunately it was found and turned in by another security guard. Bringing to mind another question – how do you stop a stupid guy with a gun?

In Wisconsin, a 17-year-old girl who says she didn’t even know she was pregnant gave birth to a baby in her bathroom. Fortunately the child is doing well. Got to love that “abstinence only” education.

Jeb Bush has endorsed Ted Cruz. And Cruz must be so thrilled to have such a winner on his team.

Donald Trump is apparently furious at Ted Cruz for using a scantily-clad picture of Melania from her model days in a campaign ad. Hmm, well, if that upsets him so much am sure the Democrats will honor Trump’s wishes and never post any of those pictures in the general election.

.

One thing is pretty certain out of this Cruz-Trump fight over pictures of their spouses. Pretty sure even the Donald wouldn’t have the stomach to post pictures of a nearly naked Bill Clinton.

 

Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are calling for extra surveillance of Muslim-Americans. But if you look at recent terrorist acts – there is another link that is even stronger- almost all the killers were relatively young men. So maybe what we REALLY need to do is start seriously monitoring men between the ages of 18-35.

Laudable goals.

August 14, 2015

John Kerry, at a ceremony raising the U.S. flag in Havana. “We remain convinced the people of Cuba would be best served by a genuine democracy,” Great, and if it works out in Cuba, maybe we can aim for that in the USA?

Central New Jersey was hit by a 2.7 earthquake this morning. It would, of course, be uncharitable to suggest the quake was caused by Governor Chris Christie rushing to a campaign event.

Sources are apparently telling the media that Geno Smith was taunting his now ex-teammate before Enemkpali punched him. “I am shocked,” said no one who follows the Jets. ‪#‎samecircusdifferentmonkeys‬

Marcus Mariota had an interception and fumble in his first two drives in the NFL pre-season. Is he angling to get traded to the Jets?

Summer in New York, when many, including the media, have left the city for at least the weekend. So if Trump speaks and there is no one around to hear him, is he still wrong?

A dad is in jail after taking his 16-year old daughter and her 17-year-old friend to a strip club, where apparently they drank, snorted coke and pole-danced. Do I even need to say this happened in Florida?

Florida State is implementing a mandatory course in social responsibilities for the school’s student-athletes. Next, will the school figure out how to make attendance any more mandatory than for other student-athlete courses?

Boston Red Sox manager John Farrell announced today will take a medical leave because he has Hodgkin’s lymphoma, but that it is “very treatable and curable.” Unlike the play of his team.

(seriously, all best wishes to Farrell. Fortunately they do appear to have caught the cancer at stage 1.)

Hillary Clinton has a plan to make college more affordable. Not surprisingly the GOP is against it. Why, the plan might result in more people being able to read.

At Cedar Point amusement park in Ohio, a man was killed by a roller coaster after he lost his cellphone on the ride and jumped a fence into a restricted area to retrieve it. New warning signs coming “Don’t text and ride.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎butyoucanburystupid‬

(and the thing that solidifies this guy’s Darwin award, he was a teacher.)

A gun store and shooting range in a small Oklahoma town has started advertising themselves as “Muslim-free.” Well, makes some sense because we all remember the worst terrorist in Oklahoma history was a Muslim…. Oh wait, never mind.

#‎Apple‬ is reportedly working on a self-driving car. As long as it doesn’t use Apple maps.

Donald Trump will report for jury duty next week. But the Donald will probably be dismissed when he claims he is the sole caretaker for that fuzzy thing who lives on his head.

Below expectations?

January 18, 2015

The bleachers at Wrigley Field won’t be ready by Opening Day, and due to renovations will be closed at least all of April, and possibly May.   Longtime Cubs bleacher bums are upset, they already know they’ll miss October.

Yes, the Oscars this year are very white. But while we’re screaming about lack of diversity, once again, where are the nominees for comic movies and “chick flicks”? ‪#‎grumpyoldacademymen

 

The surviving members of the Grateful Dead have announced a 50th anniversary reunion show this July. Good news for many of those who saw the band in its “smoky” heyday. It will be an actual concert they can remember.

Jennifer Aniston, being asked again about a rivalry with Angelina Jolie. “I think it’s time people stop with that petty B.S. and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness.” What, and put all those tabloid writers out of business?

 

President Obama apparently will propose raising the capital gains tax on on couples making more than $500,000 per year to 28 percent, the same level as under Reagan. Have to wonder how many younger GOP legislators are thinking “yeah, that commie pinko… oh wait, never mind.”

 

The Power 5 NCAA conferences approved a measure 79-1 saying that schools must pay athletes a stipend (a few thousand a year) to cover the actual cost of attendance besides room, board and books. One ACC school dissented. Wonder if it was FSU. That stipend probably wouldn’t cover crab legs.

Meanwhile, the University of California will tie pay for newly hired coaches and athletic directors to their athletes’ performance in the classroom. Which is a good thing. Unless it means more athletes majoring in underwater basket weaving.

According to the NY Times, a U.S congressional delegation is in Havana this weekend to meet with Cuban officials “to discuss greater cooperation and remaining areas of disagreement.” And maybe to do a little cigar shopping.

Bill Cosby’s lawyer says he has proof the comedian was not in Los Angeles the night a model accuses him of drugging and sexually assaulting her at the Playboy Mansion. If true, that’s one “she said” down, and about 99 to go.

Fox is considering bringing back “24” without Kiefer Sutherland/Jack Bauer. ‪#‎whatsthepoint‬

 

Free pass on the bus to hell for my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  “‘There’s an easier way.’ – Bill Cosby to Greg Anthony”

 

The Colts’ Trent Richardson didn’t travel with his team to Sunday’s AFC championship game against the Patriots because of “personal reasons” As in “personally” everyone else on the team is sick of him?