Posted tagged ‘Cleveland jokes’

Running jokes?

July 19, 2016

Many in the California delegation at ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬ have gotten norovirus. Talk about a sh*tty convention.


With many in California delegation felled by norovirus at ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬ good thing they have TP.


If norovirus spreads throughout ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬ guessing delegates will decide which gender sign is on NEAREST bathroom will not be a priority.

Many in GOP loved ‪#‎MelaniaTrump‬‘s ‪#‎RNC‬ speech. African-Americans just sigh “Another white woman getting credit for a black woman’s work”

Trump campaign on ‪#‎MalaniaTrump‬ ‪#‎speechgate‬ “When Hillary Clinton is threatened by a female, the first thing she does is try to destroy the person.” So “Blame Hillary.”
Congrats to all those who had “Tuesday morning in the pool.

Paul Manafort, Trump’s new campaign manager “These were common words and values. To think that she would be cribbing Michelle Obama’s words is crazy.”
Uh, does Manafort think the American public is crazy?

Question of the convention for Thursday night now, WWDP – “Who Will Donald plagiarize?” ‪#‎MakeAmericaDuplicateAgain‬.

Trump seems obsessed with the idea of ‪#‎CrookedHillary‬..  Maybe Freud was right about projection. ‪#‎CrookedDonald‬ ‪#‎CrookedMelania‬?

So why did ‪#‎KimberlinBrown‬ speak tonight? Was she turned down by ‪#‎DWTS‬? ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬

The founder of “American Muslims for Trump” delivered tonight’s ‪#‎RNCinCLE‬ benediction. Founder and only member?

Traffic over the Hudson is a “nightmare” after a construction crane on the Tappan Zee Bridge collapsed this morning. Hoping this wasn’t caused by a Chris Christie jumping up and down tantrum over not being named Trump’s running mate.

Chris Christie defending Melania Trump’s speech, said that 93%  of it was original.  So open note to students. Try this excuse next time you’re about to be tossed out of a class or flunked for plagiarism. I’m sure the teacher or professor will understand. ‪#‎SMH‬

That’s it, next year the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ need to cancel ‪#‎AllStar‬ break for all players.  Simulated games every day to keep fresh.


Who’d a thunk seven years ago that would be a lot more relevant on the than ?

Clayton Kershaw apparently felt discomfort in his back after simulated start this weekend, and his return is uncertain. SFGiants fans wish him the best, maybe a relaxing vacation on a beach until sometime in November.

This spring in talking before a small group of advisors, George W. Bush allegedly worried that he “would be the last Republican president.”
And somewhere Dick Cheney just giggled.


The NY Daily News is reporting that Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly and others are considering walking out if Roger Ailes leaves the network. Promise?

What was real point of ‪#‎Trump‬‘s scripted ‪#‎RNC‬ convention tonight, that he chose ex-wives who at least did good job of raising his children?

Donald Trump’s campaign will not fire anyone over ‪#‎Melaniasspeech‬. Translation, maybe Donald wrote it for her. ‪#‎speechgate‬

RIP Garry Marshall, 81, who created “Happy Days”” and directed “Pretty Woman.” Let’s hope it wasn’t the reviews from “Mother’s Day ” that killed him.

Trump goes after Bill over women when the Donald has had multiple affairs and marriages, he goes after Hillary for being crooked when he has had many of his own shady deals, and now it turns out after going after Biden for plagiarism, his wife Melania helps herself to Michelle’s speech.
Since Trump also seems obsessed with attacking Elizabeth Warren maybe time to check his family’s past resumes for requests for affirmation action?

So here’s what I don’t get. Nothing against Melania who presumably didn’t figure on a presidential campaign in her “for better or worse” vows. Still how easy to come up with a semi-apology, saying either that she must have read Michelle’s speech or that was part of her speech where she had help, whatever. …
And then Melania could have added something gracious like “We have very different ideas about how this country should be run, but we both want the best for our children and for our country’s future.” .But would that have been too reasonable for today’s GOP?

Rolling, rolling, rolling.

June 29, 2016

Following on the NBA championship of the Cavs, the Indians have won 12 games in a row. For those who think Cleveland’s just piling on, don’t worry, the Browns’ pre-season starts soon.

The NCAA has a new rule that all bowl-eligible teams with 6-6 records must be chosen for a bowl before any teams with a 5-7 record are offered the games.
With all due respect, isn’t a bowl game for a .500 team the football equivalent of a participation trophy?

The NFL Players Association doesn’t want the active players named in the Al-Jazeera PED report interviewed by the league, but Peyton Manning apparently will cooperate. So long as the interview is sponsored by Papa John’s and Budweiser.


Michael Phelps tonight won the 200-meter butterfly and became the first U.S. male swimmer to qualify for five Olympics. Whereupon he celebrated by yelling “You punks get out of my pool.”

2015 Seahawks backup QB Tarvaris Jackson was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon after a woman in Florida accused him of threatening her with a gun last week. Now, newly signed backup QB Trevone Boykin has been charged with assault causing bodily injury after an Dec 31 incident with a police officer at a bar before the Alamo Bowl.
Who’s next for Seattle? Johnny Manziel is available.

Johnny Manziel says he is going sober on July 1. For the troubled QB’s sake, I hope he’s right. But hard not to quote Inigo Montoya: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means”

The Miss Teen USA pageant says they are dropping the swimsuit portion of their competition, replacing it with an athletic wear competition. For all men who only tuned in for the swimsuits, three words “tight yoga pants.

The California “Adult Use of Marijuana Act” is officially on this November’s ballot. Well, it’s high time.

‪#‎HeterosexualPrideDay‬. Really? Just go to a lot of frat houses, where every day is ‪#‎HetrerosexualPrideDay‬.


Regarding that story of Christy Sheats, the Texas mom and gun-rights advocate who fatally shot her daughters, reports are now that police had been called out 14 times since 2012 to their home, calls involving Christy’s having a “mental crisis.”
And she was still allowed to have guns? ‪#‎wellplayedNRA‬ ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Surprisingly little media attention to Istanbul only a day after the attacks. Must not have been any Americans killed. Sigh.

I miss President Obama already: “Now somebody else who has never shown any regard for workers, who has never fought on behalf of social justice issues, they don’t suddenly become a populist because they say something controversial in order to win votes. That’s not the measure of populism. That’s nativism or xenophobia or worse. Or it’s just cynicism.”

A new Quinnipiac University poll says Donald Trump has the support of 1% of black voters. That many?


Reigning on a parade

June 22, 2016

During the Cavs victory parade Cleveland’s JR Smith held up a “2016 Election” sign with a check next to his game instead of Clinton or Trump. How silly. Smith couldn’t really win Ohio. King James on the other hand….

Bernie Sanders said today “”It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee.” In related news, the Thunder say it doesn’t appear they’re going to be the 2016 NBA Champions.

The NHL has approved an expansion team in Las Vegas. Well, this actually could be a major boon for the league. Americans love any sport when they can bet on it.

Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert today began a 15-month prison sentence for hiding money transactions. The money was allegedly hush money after his repeated sexual abuse of young boys.
“I feel so sorry for him”, said nobody.


New York City is going to start offering free sanitary napkins, pads and tampons at public facilities. Of course, the city had has no problem already with a full supply of douche bags.

‪#‎ESPNBodyIssue‬ coming out in July & MLB will be represented by ‪#‎JakeArrieta‬. What, no ‪#‎BartoloColon‬?


Democrats members staging ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in on House floor to demand vote on gun control. Time for GoFundMe campaign for portapotties?

The ‪#‎GOP‬ is keeping ‪#‎CSpan‬ from televising the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ Democratic sit-in. So guns are not dangerous but cameras are?


As the ‪#‎NoBillNoBreak‬ sit-in continued, GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert approached the (literally) sitting members of Congress and yelled ‘Radical Islam!’ Hmm, if only the Democrats were armed.


#‎DustyBaker‬ bobblehead night at ‪#‎DodgerStadium‬. Nothing against Dusty, great ‪#‎SFGiants‬ manager. But a Dodger bobblehead? ‪#‎sacrilege‬

You know it’s a bad weather week in the U.S. when you have a friend in Arizona and another friend/client is traveling in Saudi Arabia. and you hear Ridayh is cooler than Phoenix.

Marco Rubio, who pledged he would not return to the Senate if he lost the GOP nomination, today announced his bid for re-election. Of course, given his continued absentee record maybe Marco just meant he won’t be returning to the Senate very often.

Burger King is now testing “Mac N’ Cheetos.” These are Cheetos-breaded deep-fried macaroni and cheese sticks. So you can order a Whopper and feel healthy by comparison?

Donald Trump today accused Hillary Clinton of being “an extension of Obama,”
And right about now most Americans would take that deal..

Trump today called Hillary Clinton a “world-class liar.” So was Trump himself lying in 2012 when he told Fox News ““Hillary Clinton I think is a terrific woman… I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her.”

Paul Ryan was asked today if he trusts Trump. He chuckled and said “it depends on the issue.” Hmm, would the Speaker care to give examples? Or would my friends and readers care to help him?

Finally, the finale of the finals.

June 19, 2016

Best thing about ‪#‎NBAFinals‬ game 7. Tomorrow morning we wake up to nothing but baseball for a while.



Last time ‪#‎Cleveland‬ won a championship, forget the cellphones, fans had to share their enthusiasm by telegraph. ‪#‎NBAFinals‬



Maybe ‪#‎Cavs‬ win is God’s way of apologizing to ‪#‎Cleveland‬ for inflicting ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ on the city next month with ‪#‎GOPConvention‬ ‪#‎NBAFinals‬


“The great, great venture capitalists who built company after company, that’s not an accident. And none of this is an accident, either. .. We’ve crushed them on the basketball court, and we’re going to for years because of the way we’ve built this team. We’re light-years ahead of probably every other team in structure, in planning, in how we’re going to go about things.”
Maybe mean bitch karma didn’t like Warriors’ owner Joe Lacob’s March 30, 2016 interview with the NY Times



Vegas has already set 2017 NBA Championshp odds. ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎Cavs‬ then ‪#‎Spurs‬ as favorites. They couldn’t even have waited until ‪#‎NBADraft‬?

Rays fans were booing the loud chants of ‪#‎LetsGoGiants‬ in Tropicana Field. Of course one solution for teams who don’t like all the visiting ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans would be to sell out their own ballparks.

In the first two innings of today’s ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Rays‬ game, Jake Peavy allowed 3 hits and hit one batter. He also pitched through 3 errors, one of them his own. Anyone who figured he would pitch six innings with only 1 run allowed is someone I want on my team for Liar’s Dice.


For non golf fans,  Dustin Johnson put ice-water in his veins, or something, and won the U.S. Open by 3 strokes.  But the short version is that USGA officials determined a possible one-stroke penalty wouldl be assessed against him for accidentally moving a ball on the 5th  hold of the final round. . And they advised all players of this.  Johnson found out when he was on the 12th tee… But said they wouldn’t decided until after play was over if it was a penalty. Soe for the last several holes of the US Open no one on the leader board had any idea what the real score was. Seriously. There have been a lot of contenders for the title “worst officiating ever in sports” But the USGA is now winning.

Actor Scott Baio (who?) , on President Obama ” I can’t tell if he’s dumb, he’s a Muslim or he’s a Muslim sympathizer, and I don’t think he’s dumb.”
Another graduate of the Palin “stupidity to pretend you’re still relevant” school.

Ouch, Actor Anton Yelchin was killed last night when for some reason he got out of his car in his own driveway and it slid backward, pinning him against a brick mailbox and security fence. Clearly he should have been armed.

In Ohio, a gun shop owner was accidentally shot dead by one of his students during a “conceal and carry class.”  The student was doing a “weapon malfunctions” drill. #youcannotmakethisstuffup

Trump today said that we “really need to look at profiling” Muslims in this country. At the same time he wants Muslim-Americans to report if their neighbors, family and friends are acting suspiciously. Yeah, this is going to work out well.

Steven Spielberg is planning a remake of West Side Story. Maybe for fun he might want to set it in Italy, as a family drama?

First cut is the deepest?

May 10, 2016
 Ray Lewis has been let go by ESPN. Wonder if he decided to cut and run?


Rough overtime loss for ‪#‎SJSharks‬. But at least so far they have outscored the ‪#‎SFGIants‬

‪#‎Raptors‬ & ‪#‎Heat‬ are fighting very hard to see who gets the right to be swept by the ‪#‎Cavaliers‬. ‪#‎TORvsMIA‬



Warriors vs Blazers was almost 3 hours before overtime.  Yep, we all watch ‪#‎NBAPlayoffs‬ just to see these referees at work.

But going to be amusing when a lot of people wake up on the East Coast and wonder, so what happened in that GS-Portland overtime?

ESPN reported Monday morning “Breaking News” Steph ‪#‎Curry‬ will win ‪#‎NBA‬ ‪#‎MVP‬ this season. Wouldn’t it actually have been news only if he didn’t win?


#‎Padres‬ apparently interested in Tim Lincecum. Presumably mostly just to make sure Timmy doesn’t pitch against them. ‪#‎twonohitters‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

So now North Carolina and the feds are suing each other over this gender-bathroom law. Good to know things are going so well in the U.S. that we don’t have any more pressing issues to worry about.


Antonio Cromartie’s wife has just had twins, bringing the NFL cornerback’s total number of children to 12 by 8 different women. He tweeted out “Thank you to everyone with your support and kind words. God Bless you all.”
And God is thinking “uh, about that go forth and multiply. I didn’t really mean exponentially.”

The first American cruise to Cuba in over 50 years returned with 14 passengers out of over 700 having stomach ailments which could be norovirus. Or they could be suffering from “lots of rum and cigars.”

Adrian Peterson says the Minnesota Vikings “are going to have a good chance to win it this year — win everything.”  “Everything?”  Hmm, is the team buying lottery tickets?


Topps now have “Topps Now,” an on-demand business to print limited-edition cards for 24 hours. Bartolo Colon’s home run featured on such a card sold 8,826 in 24 hours, breaking the old record of 1,808 for Jake Arieta’s no-hitter card.
What a shame that “Topps Now” didn’t exist for Mickey Lolich who shared Colon’s physique and hitting ability. He also hit one home run in his life – during the 1968 World Series.

The Social Security Administration released its list of top baby names last Friday, and said that in 2015, “Isis” has fallen out of the top 1000 US. baby names. And who saw that coming?


Paul Ryan said today that he will step down as a co-chair of the 2016 GOP convention if Donald Trump asks him to do so. Translation “oh, please, oh please.”

All kinds of consternation over the weekend when Donald Trump talked about raising taxes on the wealthy. Of course, this is the man who said he started out with a “little loan of $1 million from his father.” So his concept of wealthy might be a little different from most the rest of ours.

Oops, never mind. Trump today on that tax hike for the wealthy. “I could see the wealthy getting raised, but I’m not talking about getting raised from where they are now. I’m talking about getting raised from my low proposal.”
For someone who hasn’t been a politician he’s learned to flip flop faster than almost any of them.

The King’s speech?

January 23, 2016

The Cleveland Cavaliers, 30-11, have fired coach David Blatt. Wait a minute, the Cavs had a coach besides Lebron?


The Cleveland Cavaliers say LeBron James was not consulted in the firing of David Blatt. Right. Lebron was, however, reportedly heard to say “Will no one rid me of this troublesome coach?


A 21-year-old University of Virginia student who was on a 5-day tour out of China has been arrested in North Korea, for allegedly committing a ‘hostile act under orders from Washington.”
Thinking, if you are American who goes voluntarily to North Korea, and your name isn’t Rodman, you deserve what you get. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Jeffery H. Cohen, 70, of Pittsburgh died last week. In his obituary: Jeffrey would ask that in lieu of flowers, please do not vote for Donald Trump.”
Well, the primary is April 26, don’t suppose that for him Cohen’s family could file a VERY absentee ballot?

Willie Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” has endorsed Donald Trump. But his dad Phil has endorsed Ted Cruz. Well, it could do wonders for ratings if father and son decide to settle this with a duel.


Bar owners near Wrigley Field are worried about the Cubs’ new outdoor plaza area, specifically that the team might try to undersell them on beer. This would never happen near Yankee Stadium – the Yankees will never sell beer lower than ANYBODY.

It’s the 43rd anniversary of ‪#‎RoevWade‬ and the Wisconsin state senate just voted to take away $8 million in federal funds for Planned Parenthood. So wonder how many unwanted pregnancies and thus potential abortions THAT will result in….

Why there is no satire: The New York City Department of Parks had planned a snow festival in the city this weekend. It has been canceled – due to snow.


So now that Jonas is turning out to be the real deal, there are two numbers for storm watchers to speculate about: How many Inches of snow? And how many weekend Darwin award winners?


Bus to hell guest sport from TC  “Singer Don MacLean was arrested this week for domestic assault. His lawyer is blaming it on too much whiskey and rye.”



Before the fall.

July 13, 2014

About 30,000 fans showed up Saturday at Candlestick Park for the last game ever to be played before the stadium is demolished .  A meaningless SF 49ers flag football game. Wow. Almost as many at the Stick as any 10 random SF Giants weeknight games.



Nice tribute to Dave Dravecky today at A T and T Park. Did someone tell the SF Giants they didn’t have to honor Dave by pretending to bat with only one arm?


How long has Ryan Vogelsong gone without support? The last time the #SFGiants scored a run when he was on the mound, the #USA was undefeated in the #WorldCup.


Even as a Giants fan, this is just wrong. As reported by Bruce Jenkins in the SF Chronicle, , if you live in the SF Bay Area, and subscribe to MLB’s TV package, you can watch the Dodgers Sports-Net telecasts with Vin Scully. But 70% of fans in LA are blacked out. #moneymoneymoney

The Cleveland Indians placed DH Jason Giambi, 43, on the 60 day DL over his sore knee. Bummer. But at least most of Giambi’s medical bills should be paid by Medicare.



Tiger Woods, feeling good as he approaches the British Open, “I can do whatever I want ” And somewhere Elin Nordegren is thinking “Haven’t we seen this somewhere before?”

Quite a number of no-shows at today’s #WorldCup third place game. Including apparently the Brazilian team. #BRAvsNED

Okay, the Lebron Decision sequel is over. But doesn’t it seem like everyone is paying much more attention to all these NBA free agent machinations than they do to the actual season?

Lebron James’ contract with Cleveland is for just two years? Meaning we could go through this all again in 2016?


A United Airlines flight from Honolulu to Guam had to divert to Midway due to a mechanical problem. Passengers spent several hours on the Island before a replacement plane took them back to Honolulul, and then another plane took them to Guam. United says the passengers were given $500 travel vouchers. Well, that’s a start, but how about all those extra frequent flier miles?

Rick Perry, attacking fellow Republican Rand Paul’s isolationist strategy called him “curiously blind.” Well if anyone is familiar with the concept of “curiously blind,” it’s the Governor of Texas.


If immigrant children at US border said they were fleeing home because of oppressive gun control would be fun to watch  heads explode.



From T.C.  “North Korea state news reports that their country has reached the finals of the World Cup, and are preparing to announce victory tomorrow. They have a ready to use Photoshop picture of Kim Jong-un hoisting the trophy. Too bad it’s The Stanley Cup.”