Posted tagged ‘Cleveland jokes’

First cut is the deepest?

May 10, 2016
 Ray Lewis has been let go by ESPN. Wonder if he decided to cut and run?

 

Rough overtime loss for ‪#‎SJSharks‬. But at least so far they have outscored the ‪#‎SFGIants‬

‪#‎Raptors‬ & ‪#‎Heat‬ are fighting very hard to see who gets the right to be swept by the ‪#‎Cavaliers‬. ‪#‎TORvsMIA‬

 

 

Warriors vs Blazers was almost 3 hours before overtime.  Yep, we all watch ‪#‎NBAPlayoffs‬ just to see these referees at work.

But going to be amusing when a lot of people wake up on the East Coast and wonder, so what happened in that GS-Portland overtime?

ESPN reported Monday morning “Breaking News” Steph ‪#‎Curry‬ will win ‪#‎NBA‬ ‪#‎MVP‬ this season. Wouldn’t it actually have been news only if he didn’t win?

 

#‎Padres‬ apparently interested in Tim Lincecum. Presumably mostly just to make sure Timmy doesn’t pitch against them. ‪#‎twonohitters‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

So now North Carolina and the feds are suing each other over this gender-bathroom law. Good to know things are going so well in the U.S. that we don’t have any more pressing issues to worry about.

 

Antonio Cromartie’s wife has just had twins, bringing the NFL cornerback’s total number of children to 12 by 8 different women. He tweeted out “Thank you to everyone with your support and kind words. God Bless you all.”
And God is thinking “uh, about that go forth and multiply. I didn’t really mean exponentially.”

The first American cruise to Cuba in over 50 years returned with 14 passengers out of over 700 having stomach ailments which could be norovirus. Or they could be suffering from “lots of rum and cigars.”

Adrian Peterson says the Minnesota Vikings “are going to have a good chance to win it this year — win everything.”  “Everything?”  Hmm, is the team buying lottery tickets?

 

Topps now have “Topps Now,” an on-demand business to print limited-edition cards for 24 hours. Bartolo Colon’s home run featured on such a card sold 8,826 in 24 hours, breaking the old record of 1,808 for Jake Arieta’s no-hitter card.
What a shame that “Topps Now” didn’t exist for Mickey Lolich who shared Colon’s physique and hitting ability. He also hit one home run in his life – during the 1968 World Series.

The Social Security Administration released its list of top baby names last Friday, and said that in 2015, “Isis” has fallen out of the top 1000 US. baby names. And who saw that coming?

 

Paul Ryan said today that he will step down as a co-chair of the 2016 GOP convention if Donald Trump asks him to do so. Translation “oh, please, oh please.”

All kinds of consternation over the weekend when Donald Trump talked about raising taxes on the wealthy. Of course, this is the man who said he started out with a “little loan of $1 million from his father.” So his concept of wealthy might be a little different from most the rest of ours.

Oops, never mind. Trump today on that tax hike for the wealthy. “I could see the wealthy getting raised, but I’m not talking about getting raised from where they are now. I’m talking about getting raised from my low proposal.”
For someone who hasn’t been a politician he’s learned to flip flop faster than almost any of them.

The King’s speech?

January 23, 2016

The Cleveland Cavaliers, 30-11, have fired coach David Blatt. Wait a minute, the Cavs had a coach besides Lebron?

 

The Cleveland Cavaliers say LeBron James was not consulted in the firing of David Blatt. Right. Lebron was, however, reportedly heard to say “Will no one rid me of this troublesome coach?

 

A 21-year-old University of Virginia student who was on a 5-day tour out of China has been arrested in North Korea, for allegedly committing a ‘hostile act under orders from Washington.”
Thinking, if you are American who goes voluntarily to North Korea, and your name isn’t Rodman, you deserve what you get. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Jeffery H. Cohen, 70, of Pittsburgh died last week. In his obituary: Jeffrey would ask that in lieu of flowers, please do not vote for Donald Trump.”
Well, the primary is April 26, don’t suppose that for him Cohen’s family could file a VERY absentee ballot?

Willie Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” has endorsed Donald Trump. But his dad Phil has endorsed Ted Cruz. Well, it could do wonders for ratings if father and son decide to settle this with a duel.

 

Bar owners near Wrigley Field are worried about the Cubs’ new outdoor plaza area, specifically that the team might try to undersell them on beer. This would never happen near Yankee Stadium – the Yankees will never sell beer lower than ANYBODY.

It’s the 43rd anniversary of ‪#‎RoevWade‬ and the Wisconsin state senate just voted to take away $8 million in federal funds for Planned Parenthood. So wonder how many unwanted pregnancies and thus potential abortions THAT will result in….

Why there is no satire: The New York City Department of Parks had planned a snow festival in the city this weekend. It has been canceled – due to snow.

 

So now that Jonas is turning out to be the real deal, there are two numbers for storm watchers to speculate about: How many Inches of snow? And how many weekend Darwin award winners?

 

Bus to hell guest sport from TC  “Singer Don MacLean was arrested this week for domestic assault. His lawyer is blaming it on too much whiskey and rye.”

 

 

Before the fall.

July 13, 2014

About 30,000 fans showed up Saturday at Candlestick Park for the last game ever to be played before the stadium is demolished .  A meaningless SF 49ers flag football game. Wow. Almost as many at the Stick as any 10 random SF Giants weeknight games.

 

 

Nice tribute to Dave Dravecky today at A T and T Park. Did someone tell the SF Giants they didn’t have to honor Dave by pretending to bat with only one arm?

 

How long has Ryan Vogelsong gone without support? The last time the #SFGiants scored a run when he was on the mound, the #USA was undefeated in the #WorldCup.

 

Even as a Giants fan, this is just wrong. As reported by Bruce Jenkins in the SF Chronicle, , if you live in the SF Bay Area, and subscribe to MLB’s TV package, you can watch the Dodgers Sports-Net telecasts with Vin Scully. But 70% of fans in LA are blacked out. #moneymoneymoney

The Cleveland Indians placed DH Jason Giambi, 43, on the 60 day DL over his sore knee. Bummer. But at least most of Giambi’s medical bills should be paid by Medicare.

 

 

Tiger Woods, feeling good as he approaches the British Open, “I can do whatever I want ” And somewhere Elin Nordegren is thinking “Haven’t we seen this somewhere before?”

Quite a number of no-shows at today’s #WorldCup third place game. Including apparently the Brazilian team. #BRAvsNED

Okay, the Lebron Decision sequel is over. But doesn’t it seem like everyone is paying much more attention to all these NBA free agent machinations than they do to the actual season?

Lebron James’ contract with Cleveland is for just two years? Meaning we could go through this all again in 2016?

 

A United Airlines flight from Honolulu to Guam had to divert to Midway due to a mechanical problem. Passengers spent several hours on the Island before a replacement plane took them back to Honolulul, and then another plane took them to Guam. United says the passengers were given $500 travel vouchers. Well, that’s a start, but how about all those extra frequent flier miles?

Rick Perry, attacking fellow Republican Rand Paul’s isolationist strategy called him “curiously blind.” Well if anyone is familiar with the concept of “curiously blind,” it’s the Governor of Texas.

 

If immigrant children at US border said they were fleeing home because of oppressive gun control would be fun to watch  heads explode.

 

 

From T.C.  “North Korea state news reports that their country has reached the finals of the World Cup, and are preparing to announce victory tomorrow. They have a ready to use Photoshop picture of Kim Jong-un hoisting the trophy. Too bad it’s The Stanley Cup.”

Cold comfort?

May 20, 2014

The NFL has awarded the 2018 Super Bowl to… Minneapolis. For all those who thought spending the first week in February in New York wasn’t cold enough.

Jon Bon Jovi is apparently part of a group that wants to buy the Buffalo Bills. Well, if any franchise knows about “Livin’ on a Prayer.”

California golfer Lucy Li, 11, has qualified for the U.S. Women’s Open. Quite an achievement. It gives all those Chinese women gymnasts a goal to shoot for when they grow up.

Swiss bank Credit Suisse has pleaded guilty to running “an illegal cross-border banking business” to help thousands of Americans conceal their income from the IRS. The bank will pay a $2.6 billion fine, but will not have to provide names of their U.S. clients who they helped cheat on taxes. So wonder how many of those clients will be subsidizing the “settlement” with a silence fee?

 

Halle Berry on “Ellen” today talking about getting pregnant at 47, which is considered a “geriatric pregnancy.” If Berry thinks it was a “geriatric” pregnancy, wait until she gets to applying for Medicare at the same time her son is applying to college.

 

Judge just declared PA’s #gaymarriage ban unconstitutional. Will last state to keep gay marriage banned please keep the lights turned off?

 

Cleveland has the top NBA lottery pick for the second straight years. Who says the Cavaliers will never win anything?

As far as Cleveland getting the top pick in 2015?  Probably at least as good a chance as a Miami Heat “three-peat”

 

NBA playoffs are down to San Antonio, Indianapolis, Oklahoma City and Miami. Three team from cities most Americans can’t find on a map and one they can’t stand.

A 19 year old Texas man in facing five years to life in prison for allegedly baking and selling pot brownies made with hash oil. If he’d only shot and killed someone he’d be facing 10 years max.

At Allen High School, near Dallas, they will have to close their new $60 million new football stadium this fall due to cracking concrete. This is the biggest disappointment in North Texas since the Cowboys.

On a brighter note, the stadium is a $48 million cheaper disappointment than Tony Romo.

The NY Racing Stewards have approved California Chrome to race with a nasal strip. If he wins will Roger Goodell add nasal strips to the NFL’s list of banned performance enhancers?

 

Congrats to Meryl Davis, who with her partner won Dancing with the Stars tonight. With that kind of dancing talent maybe she could do something big on an international stage…. .Oops, never mind.

Mistakes by the lake.

May 14, 2010

Not to say Lebron played like a quitter in the Cavaliers series against the Celtics. But in truth, he looked less like a King and more like a Governor of Alaska.


So let’s see, Lebron James, who was actually booed in Cleveland for his performance, is thinking of going to the New York Knicks? Yeah, now there’s a market where lousy play will certainly be dealt with in a kindler, gentler manner.


ESPN announcers said midway through the fourth quarter that Boston was “smelling victory.” Cleveland was smelling like the Cuyahoga River when it caught on fire.


How bad did the Cavaliers look? Even Ken Griffey, Jr, is saying “Hey, at least I’m not in the lineup when I fall asleep.”

How bad has the San Francisco Giants lineup looked lately? There’s more scoring when a bunch of guys from a video game convention hit the singles bars.


And San Francisco Giants fans are getting frustrated. At this point you can count on seeing more hits watching the NBC primetime lineup.

The defending Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins had a 2-1 and then a 3-2 series lead against the Montreal Canadiens, who were the worst team to make it into the NHL playoffs. And the Penguins ended up losing, with the final game a 5-2 loss at home. Wow. Normally embarrassing Pittsburgh is the job of the Pirates and Ben Roethlisberger.


Some are calling for a boycott of the Lakers-Suns games played in Phoenix, due to Arizona’s new immigration law.

And in Utah, Jazz fans are saying “See, we didn’t choke, we were just early adherents to the boycott.”

BP CEO Tony Hayward has admitted that regarding the oil spill “We made a few little mistakes early on.” Isn’t that like Tiger Woods admitting to a “little” adultery?


And another combo joke effort with Jerry Perisho, who noted “A Japanese company has introduced a bra that allows women to grow rice in the cups of the garment. Or, in Heidi Montag’s case, watermelons.”

Meanwhile, BP has asked Pamela Anderson if she would donate a bra to help cap the oil leaks.


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