Posted tagged ‘Super Bowl Jokes’

Entering a football free zone.

February 9, 2016

 

Donald Trump is saying now he would not have run for President if he owned an NFL team. Quick, can some one sell him one?

So which was more disappointing yesterday for serious fans? The ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ game or the #SuperBowl commercials?

 

Rudy Giuliani on Beyonce’s Super Bowl Show, which featured a tribute to “Black Lives Matter,” “I thought it was really outrageous that she used it as a platform to attack police officers who are the people who protect her and protect us.” Shocking – Giulani spoke an entire sentence without mentioning 9-11?!

If everyone hadn’t gotten their knickers in such a knot, most of America wouldn’t have even realized there WAS a political message in Beyonce’s Super Bowl halftime show.

Broncos safety T.J. Ward on the Panthers after the Super Bowl “They want to be famous. We want to be champions. They want to be rappers and backup dancers. We want to play football.”
Apparently no one told Ward about the concept of being a sore winner

Last night showed Cam Newton has a lot to learn. For starters Marshawn Lynch could have taught him “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.”

A bright note for fans of many other teams – Panthers and Broncos showed yesterday you don’t really need a quarterback to win a Super Bowl.  (Yes, Bears fans, there’s hope even with Jay Cutler.

The best thing about after hearing the words “I’m presenting the Super Bowl trophy to….” is that soon we will be hearing the words “Pitchers and catchers report.”

The Cal band played at halftime of yesterday’s Super Bowl. Which was exciting for Bears band members- especially since they aren’t likely to get the chance to play at halftime of a Rose Bowl

 

Jack in the Box says they will give away 1 million free hamburgers. To paraphrase Johnny Carson 40 or so years ago, wow, that’s almost 100 pounds of meat.

Former NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he IS considering running for President in 2016. Because the car doesn’t have enough clowns already?

The U.S Treasury department said 4,279 people renounced U.S. citizenship in 2015, a new record. Which will be a very small percentage of the total if Donald Trump somehow gets elected

A Broncos fan, Justin Kerrigan, told an NBC reporter he had paid $21,000 for Super Bowl tickets but said “Don’t tell my wife.” Well, it’s a good thing no one watches NBC.

Tomorrow is the New Hampshire primary, the first actual primary, not caucus, of the 2016 Presidential election. For the rest of us, we’re only 2 weeks away from the first voting on American Idol.

 

 

 

A Royal Caribbean cruise ship has turned around and is heading back to New Jersey after being caught in damaging hurricane force winds on its way to the Bahamas. CNN is torn between covering the ship’s return and the New Hampshire primary.

Scene right out of “Airplane” at Houston Intercontinental Airport. Someone opens a door they shouldn’t and a siren and announcement comes on “A fire alarm has been activated, please evacuate the building. Use the stairs. Do not use the elevator”. With continual siren. This announcement competes with the United agent saying “This happens all the time, please remain seated, we have not confirmed an actual fire alarm.”. Half expected them to start arguing about the red zone and the white zone.

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “Last year, Tom Brady gave his Super Bowl MVP truck to the player who won the game for them, safety Malcolm Butler. So is Von Miller giving his truck to Cam Newton?”

On the road to LI

February 7, 2016

 

So the last pass in the long career of ‪#‎PeytonManning‬ is complete for the 2 point conversion ‪#‎SuperBowl‬

It was not, however, Peyton’s greatest game.  Somewhere ‪#‎Tebow‬ has to be thinking. “I could have been the winning QB in this ‪#‎SuperBowl‬.” ‪#‎defensewinschampionships‬

Peyton didn’t say definitely after the game that he was retiring. But guessing Americans will have to watch “The People vs. OJ Simpson if they want to see more of a slow white Bronco.

Super Bowl concessions prices for small drinks today: $12-15 for beer, and $15-25 wine. And Yankees fans are going “why so cheap?”

So with all the hype on the commercials and the halftime show seemed like the only time for TV viewers to take a bathroom break without missing anything was when the Broncos are on offense.

Meanwhile, anyone with the prop bet of ‪#‎Talib‬ being the ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ most-penalized player had to be chilling champagne in the first quarter.

Several players on both teams had problems with the Levi’s Stadium  field today,  and the groundskeepers were seen replacing divots. Apparently “normally, the NFL trucks in grass from Alabama, but the league decided it was too far a haul to California.”

Well, of course, this is what happens when a non-profit puts together an event on a shoe-string budget.

Cam Newton abruptly just quit the Super Bowl postgame conference. So Cam didn’t get a ring -maybe that performance got him a congratulatory phone call from Sarah Palin?

Trump, “We’re the highest taxed country in the world.” With all due respect, Donald, the U.S. isn’t even the highest taxed country in North America.

Donald Trump Saturday night “I would bring back waterboarding. And I would bring back a hell of a lot worse.” What, like making suspects listen to his speeches?

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg  “This Super Bowl 50 dropped the Roman Numerals. The only place you’re going to still see Roman Numerals is on Peyton Manning’s birth certificate.”

Marco Rubio is getting slammed for repeating the nearly identical anti-Obama four times in last night’s debate. And Rick Perry said “Hey, give the guy points for counting to four.”

Countdown

February 7, 2016

So Sunday night the pre-Super Bowl hype will be over. The pre-NFL draft hype starts Monday.

 

As of Saturday, Super Bowl ticket prices have fallen under $2,700. That’s cheaper than a Jeb Bush vote in Iowa.

 

So which has become a worse version of Groundhog Day – the never-ending Super Bowl pre game show, or yet another GOP debate?

All these experts making Super Bowl predictions. And of course all of them predicted a Panthers Broncos matchup.

 

Gregg Popovich gave a nice tribute to Kobe Bryant before game. After ‪#‎Lakers‬ came within 4 of ending ‪#‎spurs‬ streak he might take it back

Playboy debuted their first non-nude issue. So now men really can say they read it for the articles.

Affluenza teen Ethan Couch has been transferred to an adult jail. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

A shooting at a strip club in Tampa has left 1 dead and 7 injured. And wonder how many more injured when the police investigation resulted in wives finding out their husbands were there.

A friend somehow by mistake got on a Ted Cruz mailing list; his fundraising letter rails against moderates like Mitt Romney and John McCain, and says “it has been my honor to fight on your behalf against the DC liberals (of both parties.)…”
Showing again why Senator Cruz is so “beloved” in the Senate.

 

Justin Bieber was seen tonight in San Francisco skateboarding around town. That’s it. Time to build that wall. But on the Canadian border.

 

Donald Trump Saturday night “I would bring back waterboarding. And I would bring back a hell of a lot worse.” What, like making suspects listen to his speeches?

Donald Trump, complaining today on Jeb Bush using Barbara on the campaign trail. Adding Bush “had to bring in mommy to take a slap at me. Not nice!” On the other hand, Trump attacking Jeb and his campaign – isn’t it also not nice to pick on those on life support?

Martin Shrreli says “The only thing I regret about my Congressional testimony is forgetting to bring my Nintendo DS’: Is this guy trying to be a big enough douchebag that he gets considered for a possible Ted Cruz cabinet?

#‎LetCarlyDebate‬ is seriously trending on social media. Wonder how many of the posts are by Carly supporters and how many are by comedians.

 

 

 

From TC  on the 58% percent increase in NFL concussions in 2015 compared to 2014: “Due mostly to Seahawks fans after February’s Super Bowl slapping themselves on their foreheads.”

Going, going, gone?

February 4, 2016

Archie Manning says he has talked to Peyton and he is not sure if his son will retire or not after the Super Bowl. “The first time is the hardest,” responded Brett Favre.

 

Reports are now that Johnny Manziel struck his ex-girlfriend “several times” at a Dallas hotel last weekend. So Manziel clearly still has dreams of being signed by the Cowboys?

The Raiders are apparently going to play an NFL game in Mexico in 2016. At the thought of the “Black Hole” coming to watch, Mexico immediately began taking bids on wall construction.

Martin Shkreli apparently decided to stop answering questions and just smile and smirk today as he testified in front of a Congressional committee about price gouging with a life-saving drug. Got to figure members of Congress actually enjoyed having him there – Shikreli is one of the few people who make them look good by comparison.

 

McDonald’s is now giving away books in their Happy Meals. And millions of American children looked up from their phones and said “What are books?”

Whatever happens in the 2016 election today’s Warriors’ White House visit marks the end of an era – a President who actually knows what he’s talking about with basketball.

Maurice White, founder of Earth, Wind and Fire, has died at the age of 74. Maybe April is the cruelest month, but January and February 2016 have not been kind to aging rockers.

The Des Moines Register is calling for a complete audit of the Iowa Democratic Caucuses as Hillary’s win was so close. Forget those coin tosses, the Clinton campaign clearly should have spread the rumor Sanders was going home.

 

Megyn Kelly will be anchoring the next Fox News GOP debate on March 3. You know it’s a strange election season when Fox has the high road.

 

 

Despite several GOP requests to include her, Carly Fiorina will be left out of the next debate. I can understand why the other candidates might want her on stage – Carly makes the rest of them seem nicer by compariso

Now a desperate Jeb Bush is pulling out all the stops, with a campaign ad featuring…. his brother George W? Proving once again that Jeb has no business running for President.

 

#‎DemDebate‬ Hillary Clinton wants to streamline programs that are “duplicative and redundant.” Well, of course she does does.

Meanwhile,  Jimmy Carter, at 91, our best and perhaps still sharpest ex-President. When asked in England if he had to pick”Trump or Cruz. – “I think I would choose Trump, which may surprise some of you,The reason is, Trump has proven already he’s completely malleable.I don’t think he has any fixed (positions) he’d go the White House and fight for. On the other hand, Ted Cruz is not malleable. He has far right-wing policies he’d pursue if he became president.”

Dropping like flies

February 4, 2016

The Broncos’ Peyton Manning admitted being told he will probably need hip replacement surgery in future. Fortunately, he should have access to the best paleontologists.

Jeb Bush’s Super Pac spent $14,900,000 in Iowa and he got 5,238 votes. That’s $2844 per vote. With that kind of overspending maybe Jeb should forget being President and aim for being GM of the LA Dodgers.

Ah, Super Bowl media week. So Cam Newton was asked if he was “the Lebron James of the NFL?” He basically replied, “Why can’t Lebron be the Cam Newton of the NBA?”

Surprised actually that Cam didn’t respond “What, you think I’m only the second best player now in the NFL?”

A story has emerged now that in 1998, John Elway turned down a deal, that amongst other things, would have let him buy 10% of the Denver Broncos for $15 million. And here Stanford fans think Elway’s biggest mistake was in clock management at the end of Big Game 1982.

( For non-Stanford fans, Elway called a time out with 8 seconds left before what he expected would be a game-winning field goal. Had he taken it down to less, the FG would have run out the clock. And Stanford would never have had to kick to Cal, and their own band…)

The lawyer for Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the D.C. Madam, who hung herself in 2008 after being convicted for racketeering and prostitution charges, wants to release her black book naming over 800 clients. And he claims it could elect the Presidential election.
Well, gosh, and things have been so dull up to this point….

Rand Paul today became the latest to drop out of the 2016 Presidential race, saying. “It’s been an incredible honor to run a principled campaign for the White House.” “Principled campaign?” Proving again he had no chance from the start. ‪#‎wedontneednostinkingprinciples‬

Rick Santorum is the latest to drop out of the GOP Presidential race. Shocking millions of Americans who thought he quit running after 2012.

Trump has now tweeted that “Based on the fraud committed by Senator Ted Cruz during the Iowa caucus either a new election should take place or Cruz results nullified.”
So all those who were worried that Trump’s gracious and reasonable speech Monday night signaled the circus might be winding down – uh, not exactly.

Although the email has emerged sent by Ted Cruz’s deputy campaign director “The press is reporting that Dr. Ben Carson is taking time off from the campaign trail after Iowa and making a big announcement next week. Please inform any Carson caucus goers of this news and urge them to caucus for Cruz.”
It’s this sort of classy behavior that has earned Ted the title “Most Hated Man in the Senate.”

 

Someone in Southern California who won a $63 million Lottery Jackpot last August will lose it all if they don’t claim the money by Feb 4. Heck, and most of feel badly when we misplace a bill or a check

Almost winning?

February 2, 2016

Can’t wait for the Steve Harvey interview with Donald Trump on his Iowa Caucus win last night.

 

The House today failed to override President Obama’s veto of a bill to repeal Obamacare. So maybe Paul Ryan actually has a sense of humor in scheduling the vote on Groundhog Day?

 

Almost all signs of the SF 49ers have been removed from Levi’s Stadium for Super Bowl weekend. Except for the red seats.  But that won’t be a problem. Unlike for most of the late season 49ers games, on Sunday those seats will actually have fans sitting in them.

 

Colin Kaepernick apparently wants out with the SF 49ers to play for the Jets. This is like an elephant trying to abandon Barnum & Bailey’s for Ringling Brothers

 

The Broncos have sent rookie safety Ryan Murphy home after he was detained and questioned as part of a prostitution sting today. Really? You’re part of a a Super Bowl team and you can’t even find sex for free? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎rookiemistake‬

The Cleveland Browns will apparently release Johnny Manziel in March. So much for his prediction of “wrecking this league.” Looks like what Manziel was really good at was wrecking his career.

The CDC now says that any woman of childbearing age not using birth control should abstain from alcohol. Uh, isn’t drinking how many babies get conceived in the first place?

Hillary Clinton apparently won six Iowa precincts by coin toss. So maybe that answers one question “Whatever happened to those Patriots ballboys?”

Groundhog Day happening at about the same time as the Iowa caucuses is very confusing. So did that furry thing that lives on Trump’s head see his shadow or not?

Just when we were about to utter the magic words “Who cares any more about Iowa?” comes the news that Bernie Sanders is not ready to concede. So maybe all those reporters better not check out of their rooms yet.

Marissa Mayer says Yahoo will lay off 15% of its global workforce and close five offices. And this plan “will enable us to accelerate Yahoo’s transformation.” So sounds like Ms. Mayer is well on her way to following Carly Fiorina into politics.

 

So the Sacramento Kings nixed a Chinese New Year t-shirt giveaway because it referenced “Year of the Monkey” and had a purple money on it. DeMarcus Cousins and others apparently thought it was “racially insensitive” on the first day of Black History Month.
Now, I’m generally liberal and proud of it but where does this stop? Cops vetoing “Year of the Pig? Lawyers vetoing “Year of the Snake?” Or some white voters complaining about “Year of the Sheep?

Last night CNN covered Cruz, Trump, Rubio, Clinton and Sanders speeches. Fox News only covered the GOP candidates. So fair and balanced only means between “right” and “far right?”

You had one job

January 28, 2016

We might have a winner for the year in the #Youhadonejob, and it goes to the guy in charge of painting the end zones for Super Bowl 50 at Levi’s Stadium – they painted TWO with the Broncos logo.  And forgot about the Panthers. #Nottheonion

 

 

The Dallas Cowboys will not resign Greg Hardy. Apparently because Hardy was frequently late for meeting, and wasn’t in peak physical condition because he partied too much. So domestic violence is okay as long as you show up on time and in shape?

 

 

Missouri dismissed QB Maty Mauk from the football team for “violating team rules” after a video surfaced of him apparently snorting cocaine. Mauk had a 17-5 record as a starter. Too soon to start a pool on which coach will give him a second chance?

In New York City , police arrested two men with $14 million in heroin in the bed of a big pickup truck after the men were spotted driving around looking for parking. Truly insane. Not the attempted smuggling, but who thinks with a pickup truck they can find actual parking on NYC streets?

Affluenza teen Ethan Couch was flown from Puerto Vallarta to Dallas today. Wonder if he complained about the trip not being first class?

Some controversy over Joseph Fiennes being cast to play Michael Jackson in an upcoming BBC TV movie. Is that because Fiennes is white or because he’s male?

John McCain says of the current election “I’ve never seen anything like this.” And presumably this even includes the Lincoln-Douglas debates

Best news for ‪#‎ChrisChristie‬ during tonight’s GOP debate. Not just more air time without Trump, less competition for post debate doughnuts.

Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee decided to attend Donald Trump’s rally after the children’s table debate tonight. Because apparently at this point they dislike Trump less than they love ANY publicity.

Today Trump said that it was Fox News’ sarcastic comments about his withdrawal that sealed his decision to stay away from the debates. Attention US friends and enemies – so apparently it’s not just “sticks and stones” that hurt the Donald…

Now rumors that the Oakland Raiders are looking into a move to…. Las Vegas. Not that the NFL would allow it as of course the league wants nothing to do with gambling…

Much media discussion of the Challenger disaster today. And it was awful. But for those of us who were kids in the 1960s, it’s actually another sad anniversary – Apollo 1, January 27, 1967 – Gus Grissom, Edward White, and Roger Chaffee. Remembering them as well.

Damn. R.I.P. Paul Kantner, 74. I remember when you were a youngster if you thought first of the band being known as Jefferson Starship. “Nothing ever breaks up the heart, Only tears give you away….” (from Miracles.)

 

My younger friends may not believe this with the various explicit rap and other lyrics these days but when ‪#‎JeffersonStarships‬‘ “Miracles” came out, many radio stations played a version where they censored the lyrics- the offending line ‘I get a taste of the real world, when I go down on you, girl.”

Seems so quaint today.

 

Pat Riley: LeBron ‘never, ever’ requested Erik Spoelstra firing when he was at Miami. Well, of course not, when you’re a superstar you get your posse to handle making that kind of request for you.


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