Posted tagged ‘Super Bowl Jokes’

Changing seasons.

February 6, 2017

Another reason baseball is the best sport. When the World Series game 7 was tied after regulation, both teams got a turn to bat.

 

SF 49ers fans should relax w/ Kyle Shanahan. Not like the 2017 team is going to have many 25 point leads to blow.

 

Clydesdales were originally bred in Scotland. Maybe that’s why there was no “aww” story this year. Budweiser was afraid they’d be accused of taking jobs away from real American horses.

Wonder how many craft-beer liberals are buying Budweiser & Bud Light for the first time ever this week? #boycottbudweiser

Tom Brady still can’t find his Super Bowl jersey. Anyone asked Putin?

 

Now the lieutenant governor of Texas has asked the Texas Rangers to join in Houston PD to help find Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. How long until this gets blamed on a member of the liberal media?

If  Tom Brady really is GOAT can we give an assist to Pete Carroll and Kyle Shanahan’s 4th quarter Super Bowl play calling?

On a brighter note, some children in Africa this am can trade in their  Indians World Champions shirts for some shiny new Falcons ones.

MLB is proposing to raise lower part of strike zone to the top of the hitter’s knees, from its current “the hollow beneath the kneecap.” Pitchers are thinking fine, if they actually start calling strikes above the waist.

 

We learned one thing this weekend. Sean Spicer can take a joke a lot better than his boss.

George H.W. Bush got a standing ovation today before #SuperBowl. But heck, compared to the current White House occupant, George W. would get a standing ovation.

A Jacksonville woman is being sought by police for performing oral sex on a man and posting it to social media. The alleged act took place at the county courthouse. Back on your game, Florida.

 

Americans have to be wishing  Trump was half as  focused on Serious issues facing this country as he is on the NY Times.

In a 2004 book called “The Librarian,” by Larry Beinhart, author of “Wag the Dog,” there’s a right-wing conspiracy backing an ineffectual president. They try to create a terrorist act to keep him in power for a 2nd term. Scary book. Glad it’s only fiction….

Rep. Matt Gaetz from Ft. Walton Beach, introduced a bill to dissolve the EPA. I trust Gaetz also feels it would be a waste of money for the Feds to spend any money the next time Florida has any oil spills or other environmental disasters.

Obama – Christians did bad things “in the name of Christ.” GOP outrage. Trump-“You think our country’s so innocent.” GOP crickets #WTF?.

Trump terrorism speech “All over Europe it’s happening. It’s gotten to point where it’s not even being reported. Like #BowlingGreenMassacre?

Some of this stuff you just can’t make up. Melania Trump has a lawsuit against the UK Daily Mail for libel, and the paper has published a retraction of rumors that she worked as an escort. Okay, so far so good, and it’s understandable the First Lady would be upset.

BUT, her lawyer claims “plaintiff had the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person … to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multi-million dollar business relationships for a multi-year term during which plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world.”

Heads up?

February 3, 2017

post

(thanks to my friend Joe C. for this one.)

Looking for another reason to hate the Yankees? Hal Steinbrenner on Aroldis Chapman, and his 2016 suspension for violating MLB’s domestic violence policy: “Quite frankly, it was manageable the minute he got here last year. He was great. Look, he admitted he messed up. He paid the penalty. Sooner or later, we forget, right? ”

Really missing when stupid questions during #SuperBowl media days were the craziest things said during the first week in February.

Charles Barkley said before tonight’s game Clippers would  beat Warriors. “guaranteed.”  Poor Sir Charles. So much craziness in the world that he has to up the ante to get noticed.

Got to love it as a Stanford grad, the #UCBerkleyRiot trending hashing is misspelled. It’s “Berkeley.”

This just in – Trump fires #Punxsutawneyphil , replaces him with a relative of that furry thing that lives on his head.

So who had Australia in the “which country will President Trump break off relations with first?” pool?

Trump uses #Nationalprayerbreakfast as excuse to taunt Arnold over ratings. Can’t wait to see President in action at state funerals.

Schwarzenegger’s response “”Hey Donald, I have a great idea. Why don’t we switch jobs? You take over TV because you’re such an expert on ratings and I take over your job and then people can finally sleep comfortably again.”
Hmm, is Arnold bidding to be the Trump Ex-Terminator?

 

Good to see  John  McCain & Lindsey    Graham speaking their minds on Trump.. Now what about a few actual opposing votes?

#Uber CEO Travis Kalanick is resigning from Trump’s advisory council. “Uber is for losers” tweet coming in 3.2.1……

New UN Ambassador Nikki Haley: “The dire situation in eastern Ukraine is one that demands clear and strong condemnation of Russian actions…”
So while we’re waiting for March Madness can we start brackets or something on who Trump fires next?

So Trump wants women working at White House to #DressLikeAWoman – Does this mean mandatory pussy hats?

Not even Fox News is covering the Bowling Green Massacre. Clearly the corruption of the media is spreading. #sarcasm

“”We want this nominee to be treated the same way that President Clinton and President Obama’s nominees were treated.” –@SenJohnThune #SCOTUS
And his point is?
Not all the UC Berkeley protestors last night were violent. As a liberal I have no problem with arresting any of those who were, and who damaged property. In fact, I hope police do find them….. just guessing most of them weren’t students, the violent ones.
And it also wouldn’t shock me if some of the worst actually were not “leftists,” but people who wanted to make the left look bad.

A couple friends have commented that that they are tired of all the political posts on FB etc. . And I get it, although there is just so much comedy-satire material. But the problem is, when you decide, okay, enough, I’m going to post about something else….then it’s another crazy EO, or a leak, or a insult Tweet, or letting people with mental illnesses severe enough to receive disability payments buy guns…..

Maybe that’s the idea, we all get so tired of it we don’t care. and this administration can do whatever the hell they want.

And the nominees are….

January 25, 2017

Oscar nominations are out & least this year #OscarsnotsoWhite. Alas, instead, we have #WhiteHousesoWhite

 

And here we go again with Oscar snubs, but to be fair, the Brooklyn Nets haven’t done a great job of acting like a professional NBA team.

So did Meryl Streep really get her 20th Oscar nomination for Florence Foster Jenkins…. or because the Academy really wants to see her take another shot at Donald Trump?

 

These Sean Spicer press conferences making Americans look forward to serious deep analysis of Super Bowl media week.

Some controversy over Steve Kerr saying that NBA players made a “mockery” of All-Star voting. And really, who did they think they are – fans?

Philip Rivers was added to the Pro Bowl today and says he looks forward to the opportunity to play one more game as a San Diego Charger.
Guessing it will also be an opportunity for Rivers to get used to the size and enthusiasm of the crowds the Chargers will play in front of in Los Angeles

SF 49ers have announced they are freezing season-ticket prices for the next two seasons. Wonder how many fans are holding out until the team starts paying THEM?

President Trump is hanging a panoramic photo of his Inauguration Day in the press room at the White House; the picture was was taken from an angle showing a good-sized crowd. This was all more fun when he was just concerned about the size of hands.

 

Imagine if after game 7 champion wins Lebron James or Joe Maddon immediately started claiming cheating officials kept Cavs & Cubs from 4-0 sweeps.

The anti-narcissist: After Toronto Raptors coach Dwane Casey said Spurs coach Gregg Popovich was “the best in sports,” Pop’s reply “That’s very flattering but obviously untrue. I’ve been around a long time and we’ve won some games, and if you’ve forgotten, I got to coach Tim Duncan. That made me look pretty good.”

f Democrats really managed to get 3 million illegals to vote wouldn’t they have bused in some in to WI, MI, FL or PA?

 

3-5 million voted illegally? Well, WI & MI are near Canada, NC & FL are coastal. Time to investigate potential foreign Trump voters?

Trump says he’s going to “send in the Feds” if the “carnage” in Chicago doesn’t stop. Yeah, that worked so well at Kent State.

Donald Trump is going to block all visas into the U.S. for peoole from Iraq. Iran, Libya, Somalia, Sudan and Yemen, in theory to stop terrorists. Not that history, even recent history, is Trump’s strong point. But did he forget about France, England, Belgium, Turkey and oh yeah, Saudi Arabia?

Entering a football free zone.

February 9, 2016

 

Donald Trump is saying now he would not have run for President if he owned an NFL team. Quick, can some one sell him one?

So which was more disappointing yesterday for serious fans? The ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ game or the #SuperBowl commercials?

 

Rudy Giuliani on Beyonce’s Super Bowl Show, which featured a tribute to “Black Lives Matter,” “I thought it was really outrageous that she used it as a platform to attack police officers who are the people who protect her and protect us.” Shocking – Giulani spoke an entire sentence without mentioning 9-11?!

If everyone hadn’t gotten their knickers in such a knot, most of America wouldn’t have even realized there WAS a political message in Beyonce’s Super Bowl halftime show.

Broncos safety T.J. Ward on the Panthers after the Super Bowl “They want to be famous. We want to be champions. They want to be rappers and backup dancers. We want to play football.”
Apparently no one told Ward about the concept of being a sore winner

Last night showed Cam Newton has a lot to learn. For starters Marshawn Lynch could have taught him “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.”

A bright note for fans of many other teams – Panthers and Broncos showed yesterday you don’t really need a quarterback to win a Super Bowl.  (Yes, Bears fans, there’s hope even with Jay Cutler.

The best thing about after hearing the words “I’m presenting the Super Bowl trophy to….” is that soon we will be hearing the words “Pitchers and catchers report.”

The Cal band played at halftime of yesterday’s Super Bowl. Which was exciting for Bears band members- especially since they aren’t likely to get the chance to play at halftime of a Rose Bowl

 

Jack in the Box says they will give away 1 million free hamburgers. To paraphrase Johnny Carson 40 or so years ago, wow, that’s almost 100 pounds of meat.

Former NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he IS considering running for President in 2016. Because the car doesn’t have enough clowns already?

The U.S Treasury department said 4,279 people renounced U.S. citizenship in 2015, a new record. Which will be a very small percentage of the total if Donald Trump somehow gets elected

A Broncos fan, Justin Kerrigan, told an NBC reporter he had paid $21,000 for Super Bowl tickets but said “Don’t tell my wife.” Well, it’s a good thing no one watches NBC.

Tomorrow is the New Hampshire primary, the first actual primary, not caucus, of the 2016 Presidential election. For the rest of us, we’re only 2 weeks away from the first voting on American Idol.

 

 

 

A Royal Caribbean cruise ship has turned around and is heading back to New Jersey after being caught in damaging hurricane force winds on its way to the Bahamas. CNN is torn between covering the ship’s return and the New Hampshire primary.

Scene right out of “Airplane” at Houston Intercontinental Airport. Someone opens a door they shouldn’t and a siren and announcement comes on “A fire alarm has been activated, please evacuate the building. Use the stairs. Do not use the elevator”. With continual siren. This announcement competes with the United agent saying “This happens all the time, please remain seated, we have not confirmed an actual fire alarm.”. Half expected them to start arguing about the red zone and the white zone.

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg  “Last year, Tom Brady gave his Super Bowl MVP truck to the player who won the game for them, safety Malcolm Butler. So is Von Miller giving his truck to Cam Newton?”

On the road to LI

February 7, 2016

 

So the last pass in the long career of ‪#‎PeytonManning‬ is complete for the 2 point conversion ‪#‎SuperBowl‬

It was not, however, Peyton’s greatest game.  Somewhere ‪#‎Tebow‬ has to be thinking. “I could have been the winning QB in this ‪#‎SuperBowl‬.” ‪#‎defensewinschampionships‬

Peyton didn’t say definitely after the game that he was retiring. But guessing Americans will have to watch “The People vs. OJ Simpson if they want to see more of a slow white Bronco.

Super Bowl concessions prices for small drinks today: $12-15 for beer, and $15-25 wine. And Yankees fans are going “why so cheap?”

So with all the hype on the commercials and the halftime show seemed like the only time for TV viewers to take a bathroom break without missing anything was when the Broncos are on offense.

Meanwhile, anyone with the prop bet of ‪#‎Talib‬ being the ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ most-penalized player had to be chilling champagne in the first quarter.

Several players on both teams had problems with the Levi’s Stadium  field today,  and the groundskeepers were seen replacing divots. Apparently “normally, the NFL trucks in grass from Alabama, but the league decided it was too far a haul to California.”

Well, of course, this is what happens when a non-profit puts together an event on a shoe-string budget.

Cam Newton abruptly just quit the Super Bowl postgame conference. So Cam didn’t get a ring -maybe that performance got him a congratulatory phone call from Sarah Palin?

Trump, “We’re the highest taxed country in the world.” With all due respect, Donald, the U.S. isn’t even the highest taxed country in North America.

Donald Trump Saturday night “I would bring back waterboarding. And I would bring back a hell of a lot worse.” What, like making suspects listen to his speeches?

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg  “This Super Bowl 50 dropped the Roman Numerals. The only place you’re going to still see Roman Numerals is on Peyton Manning’s birth certificate.”

Marco Rubio is getting slammed for repeating the nearly identical anti-Obama four times in last night’s debate. And Rick Perry said “Hey, give the guy points for counting to four.”

Countdown

February 7, 2016

So Sunday night the pre-Super Bowl hype will be over. The pre-NFL draft hype starts Monday.

 

As of Saturday, Super Bowl ticket prices have fallen under $2,700. That’s cheaper than a Jeb Bush vote in Iowa.

 

So which has become a worse version of Groundhog Day – the never-ending Super Bowl pre game show, or yet another GOP debate?

All these experts making Super Bowl predictions. And of course all of them predicted a Panthers Broncos matchup.

 

Gregg Popovich gave a nice tribute to Kobe Bryant before game. After ‪#‎Lakers‬ came within 4 of ending ‪#‎spurs‬ streak he might take it back

Playboy debuted their first non-nude issue. So now men really can say they read it for the articles.

Affluenza teen Ethan Couch has been transferred to an adult jail. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

A shooting at a strip club in Tampa has left 1 dead and 7 injured. And wonder how many more injured when the police investigation resulted in wives finding out their husbands were there.

A friend somehow by mistake got on a Ted Cruz mailing list; his fundraising letter rails against moderates like Mitt Romney and John McCain, and says “it has been my honor to fight on your behalf against the DC liberals (of both parties.)…”
Showing again why Senator Cruz is so “beloved” in the Senate.

 

Justin Bieber was seen tonight in San Francisco skateboarding around town. That’s it. Time to build that wall. But on the Canadian border.

 

Donald Trump Saturday night “I would bring back waterboarding. And I would bring back a hell of a lot worse.” What, like making suspects listen to his speeches?

Donald Trump, complaining today on Jeb Bush using Barbara on the campaign trail. Adding Bush “had to bring in mommy to take a slap at me. Not nice!” On the other hand, Trump attacking Jeb and his campaign – isn’t it also not nice to pick on those on life support?

Martin Shrreli says “The only thing I regret about my Congressional testimony is forgetting to bring my Nintendo DS’: Is this guy trying to be a big enough douchebag that he gets considered for a possible Ted Cruz cabinet?

#‎LetCarlyDebate‬ is seriously trending on social media. Wonder how many of the posts are by Carly supporters and how many are by comedians.

 

 

 

From TC  on the 58% percent increase in NFL concussions in 2015 compared to 2014: “Due mostly to Seahawks fans after February’s Super Bowl slapping themselves on their foreheads.”

Going, going, gone?

February 4, 2016

Archie Manning says he has talked to Peyton and he is not sure if his son will retire or not after the Super Bowl. “The first time is the hardest,” responded Brett Favre.

 

Reports are now that Johnny Manziel struck his ex-girlfriend “several times” at a Dallas hotel last weekend. So Manziel clearly still has dreams of being signed by the Cowboys?

The Raiders are apparently going to play an NFL game in Mexico in 2016. At the thought of the “Black Hole” coming to watch, Mexico immediately began taking bids on wall construction.

Martin Shkreli apparently decided to stop answering questions and just smile and smirk today as he testified in front of a Congressional committee about price gouging with a life-saving drug. Got to figure members of Congress actually enjoyed having him there – Shikreli is one of the few people who make them look good by comparison.

 

McDonald’s is now giving away books in their Happy Meals. And millions of American children looked up from their phones and said “What are books?”

Whatever happens in the 2016 election today’s Warriors’ White House visit marks the end of an era – a President who actually knows what he’s talking about with basketball.

Maurice White, founder of Earth, Wind and Fire, has died at the age of 74. Maybe April is the cruelest month, but January and February 2016 have not been kind to aging rockers.

The Des Moines Register is calling for a complete audit of the Iowa Democratic Caucuses as Hillary’s win was so close. Forget those coin tosses, the Clinton campaign clearly should have spread the rumor Sanders was going home.

 

Megyn Kelly will be anchoring the next Fox News GOP debate on March 3. You know it’s a strange election season when Fox has the high road.

 

 

Despite several GOP requests to include her, Carly Fiorina will be left out of the next debate. I can understand why the other candidates might want her on stage – Carly makes the rest of them seem nicer by compariso

Now a desperate Jeb Bush is pulling out all the stops, with a campaign ad featuring…. his brother George W? Proving once again that Jeb has no business running for President.

 

#‎DemDebate‬ Hillary Clinton wants to streamline programs that are “duplicative and redundant.” Well, of course she does does.

Meanwhile,  Jimmy Carter, at 91, our best and perhaps still sharpest ex-President. When asked in England if he had to pick”Trump or Cruz. – “I think I would choose Trump, which may surprise some of you,The reason is, Trump has proven already he’s completely malleable.I don’t think he has any fixed (positions) he’d go the White House and fight for. On the other hand, Ted Cruz is not malleable. He has far right-wing policies he’d pursue if he became president.”