Posted tagged ‘delflate-gate jokes’

If you’re reading this, are you tired of the Super Bowl pre-game already?

January 31, 2015

Okay, is it too late to put a prop bet that the Super Bowl MVP’s first utterance to the media will be “I’ve gotten a measles vaccination and I’m going to Disneyland?”

And it’s so hard to keep up with all this pre-Super Bowl stuff. Do we know how much the NFL has fined Marshawn Lynch today?

Aaron Hernandez, formerly a Patriots star until his arrest in 2013 for murder, will not be able to watch the Super Bowl in jail. “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.

 

Richard Sherman’s pregnant girlfriend told him not to skip the Super Bowl if she goes into labor the day of the game. Makes sense, what woman wants to be going through the delivery process with a guy who is yelling louder than she is?

 

Not sure who’ll be “going to Disneyland” after tomorrow’s Super Bowl,” but if it’s a member of the Patriots Disney is ordering extra guards to make sure nobody lets the air out of those Mickey Mouse balloons.

Sacramento police arrested an 8th grade girl for distributing home-made pot brownies to her classmates. Not sure what will happen to her in the legal system but the girl was voted “Most likely to open a restaurant in Colorado.”

More snow is expected by Monday on the East Coast. Which means forget about Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow or not. With enough snow no one will be able to see Punxsutawney Phil.

Sports bettors lost a record amount in 2014 in Vegas. Wonder how many of those losses were people betting on teams from New York?

As we are about the halfway point in the endless NBA season, who had the top two teams by record being the Atlanta Hawks and the Golden State Warriors? Now all you liars put your hands down.

People magazine is reporting that Bruce Jenner is “transitioning into life as a woman.” In related news for people who have been watching the former Olympic star, water is wet.

 

 

Carl Djerassi, 91, the Stanford chemist who developed the birth control pill, has died. As far as tributes, wonder how many millions of people are thankful they didn’t have kids to name after him?

 

Although re Djerassi, isn’t “Father of the Birth Control Pill” an oxymoron?

Soft balls?

January 20, 2015

ESPN reports that 11 of 12 game balls allotted to the Patriots for the AFC Championship game were found to be underinflated by two pounds of air (PSI) Out of a required 12.5-13.5 pounds. The report adds that the league is “disappointed … angry … distraught.” So that makes the entire NFL honorary Packers fans?

Many think “deflate-gate” is ludicrous because the Patriots wouldn’t need to have cheated to beat the Colts. Of course, Nixon sure didn’t need to cheat to beat McGovern.

Seahawks vs Patriots. A lot of people just really don’t care who wins the Super Bowl. At least Katy Perry will give millions of men two reasons to watch.

Jim Harbaugh has hired his son, 25, as a coach. Of course Michigan fans don’t care if Harbaugh puts his dog on the payroll, as long as he can beat Ohio State.

From Bill Littlejohn:   “A large number of Seahawk fans left the stadium and were not around for Sunday’s wild finish.Thus, only 775,000 will claim that they were there to see it.”

68 Stanford students shut down the San Mateo bridge during Monday’s commute. They were protesting Ferguson, as well as “state-sponsored and U.S.-sponsored violence in Mexico and Palestine.” Have no problem with their free speech in tying all those diverse things together, but thinking if you want to win people to your side, keeping them stuck in their cars after a long day of work doesn’t seem to be the best way to do it.

 

Donald Trump says he is giving “serious thought” to another Presidential run. This may be the first time that “Donald Trump” and “serious thought” have been used in the same sentence.

 

What’s the point of a long rebuttal to the ‪#‎SOTU‬? When the basic message is simply. “What he said was all wrong”?

So apparently some people are doing a “Nationwide Boycott of the SOTU” where they will take pictures of themselves turning their back on President Obama. Aren’t some of these the same people who are unhappy that we no longer do the Pledge of Allegiance each morning in school? – “One nation, INDIVISIBLE…..”

Hope Solo just had domestic violence charges dropped against her, now allegedly she was almost arrested again for being “belligerent” when her former NFL player husband Jerramy Stevens was arrested for DUI in L.A. Who says female athletes will never be the equal of men?

Why there is no satire. MLB just put Fred Wilpon in charge of the MLB finance committee. For the uninitiated, he is the owner of the Mets, whose performance should in and of itself question his ability to manage money, but he also lost about $700 million investing in a Ponzi scheme run by Bernie Madoff. And Wilpon’s defense to avoid criminal charges himself…. he had no clue what was going on…. ‪#‎facepalm‬

Kim Kardashian has a book coming out in May, titled “Selfish.” Does this really even need a punchline?

MLB is proposing that pitchers now be ready to throw a pitch 30 seconds before all between-inning commercial breaks end. Hitters would need to be ready 20 seconds in advance. This would supposedly shorten all games that are not nationally televised by at least 10-15 minutes.  Which means Yankees-Red Sox games will still last four hours.

 

Sad news Tuesday night, that a heart surgeon at Boston’s Brigham and Women’s Hospital has passed away after being shot this Tuesday morning, apparently by a disgruntled son of a former patient, who then turned the gun on himself. A sad remember that for all we worry about foreign terrorists, we have plenty of crazy dangerous people right in here in the USA.