Posted tagged ‘Marshawn Lynch jokes’

Fantasyland

March 2, 2015

An internet hoaxer posted a video of a naked man apparently jumping out of Buckingham Palace. Silly hoaxer. It would have been a lot more believable if the video had purported to show an early morning shot of a naked Prince Harry climbing back in.

You know it’s a nice ‪#‎DowntonAbbey‬ finale when you find yourself in a Christmasy mode in March.

Firefighters put out a small blaze near the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disneyland. Unfortunately for many parents, the ride was not damaged.

#‎stayclassy‬ A police officer is being sued for allegedly coercing a woman shoplifting suspect to repeatedly have sex with him or else be arrested. Nope, this is New Jersey. But hope this doesn’t give anyone in Florida ideas

 

 

While Jimmy Rollins, 37, signed with the Dodgers, he said today the NY Mets were second on his list. Guess Rollins decided he wasn’t so old that he needed guaranteed Octobers off?

Marshawn Lynch said he “expected the ball” for the Seahawks’ last Super Bowl play. And Pete Carroll is thinking, NOW he speaks, when I’d preferred him to have responded ‪#‎ImjustheresoIdontgetfined‬ .

This was Parent’s Weekend at Stanford University, and it was 70 degrees and sunny in Palo Alto. Biggest problem for students – getting their parents to leave.

 

California Senator Dianne Feinstein today called Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu “arrogant”, adding “I think that arrogance does not befit Israel, candidly.” Waiting for the first clown in the car to attack Feinstein for being anti-Jew.

 

Scott Walker on Fox News Sunday, when asked about his statement in 2013 that he could see a path to citizenship for undocumented workers, said he has changed his mind and is no longer for “amnesty.”

You know, I do believe people change their minds. But I think I’d believe these clowns a little more if just once before the primaries some politician changed his or her mind in a way that didn’t align them more with their party’s base.

The Onion has a story about American Airlines phasing out complimentary cabin pressurization. Which of course is absurd. An airline would never do that. Although no doubt American and others are racing to see who can be the first to offer “standard” air, and purified “premium” air for a surcharge.

 

Have to wonder, how many people who proclaimed Je Suis Charlie couldn’t take SNL’s relatively minor parody about a girl joining ISIS?

 

 

Stupid beyond a shadow of a doubt.

February 2, 2015

No word on when Spring is coming in Seattle. Punxsutawney Phil is still cowering in his burrow with a headache.

No doubt some Seahawks players and fans feel God let them down Sunday. But to paraphrase an old joke, if God cared at all He/She is probably saying. “Look, I gave you 2 Brady interceptions, 1 miracle catch, and three downs to win it with the best running back in the NFL, what more did you want?”

Seahawks offensive coordinator Darrell Bevells said they threw on 2nd and goal because “We were conscious of how much time was on the clock and we wanted to use it all.” Uh, except if the pass had been caught for a TD Seattle would have given Brady the ball back with 20 something seconds left. ‪#‎baddecisionANDbadmath‬

So for all those who wondered how the NFL would grab headlines after the Super Bowl, congrats to all who had “Johnny Manziel entering rehab” in the pool.

 

Former NFL star Warren Sapp was fired by the NFL Network after he was arrested for soliciting prostitution and two counts of misdemeanor assault after the Super Bowl. Two women who were also cited allegedly told police an argument started over money. When will they ever learn? ALWAYS pay your mistresses and your hookers. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

So, I’m dating myself, but can’t help thinking that that the best headline for this week’s storm would be “Linus blankets Northeast.”

 

From Marc Ragovin:   “Is Pete Carroll’s Internet alias “Clueless in Seattle?”

 

Sammy Fong says “See, this is what happens when you legalize marijuana in your state!”

A Texas elementary school suspended a 9-year-old boy for making “terroristic threats” after he told a classmate he could make him disappear with a magic ring like the one in the Hobbit movie. Silly boy. It’s Texas. If he had just threatened the classmate with a gun he’d have gotten off with a warning.

You can get odds on Tiger Woods winning this week’s Farmers Insurance Open at 50-1 in Las Vegas. And it’s still probably a bad bet.

The Baltimore Ravens released DT Terrence Cody today after he was indicted on 15 charges, including two felony counts of aggravated animal cruelty, after his dog died. (The charges also included illegally owning an alligator.) Not sure exactly what happened, but with the league’s heightened awareness after Michael Vick, seems like anyone risking these charges with animals should be cut for stupidity if nothing else.

A 3-year-old boy shot his both his father and pregnant mother in an Albuquerque, NM hotel room this weekend. His parents will survive, his mother is still in the hospital. If only the fetus had been armed..

Way too young, former MLB player Dave Bergman has passed away at 61. Hope someone is warning players in heaven’s softball league about that hidden ball trick.

Chris Christie today was asked about the measles outbreak, and said, while he and his wife vaccinated their kids, “I also understand that parents need to have some measure of choice in things as well. So that’s the balance that the government has to decide.” Yep, the NJ govenor is not only running for President, he’s jockeying hard for the “stupid” vote.

Super gift?

February 1, 2015

What a waste of Immaculate Reception 2.

 

God to the ‪#‎Seahawks‬. Don’t blame me. Even I ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎SuperBowl‬

Who needs inflated balls when you have Pete Carroll’s inflated ego? ‪#‎Worst2ndandgoalcallever‬ ‪#‎SuperBowl‬

Russell Wilson said after the NFC Championship that God caused him to throw four interceptions. Did God tell him to suck in most of the first half of the Super Bowl too?

 

Robert Kraft thanking almost everyone for the Patriots ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ win, but he forgets to thank Pete Carroll for that goal line passing call.

Of course,  just imagine how far out front ‪#‎Patriots‬ would have won by if they were in charge of their own balls? ‪#‎SuperBowl‬

Seahawks DE Cliff Avril left Super Bowl after hit on the head and due to concussion protocol will not be able to address the media after the game. Next year, Marshawn Lynch is trying to figure out how often he can claim last second concussions.

How much did ‪#‎KatyPerry‬ pay ‪#‎HotDogonastick‬ to borrow one of their uniforms for her ‪#‎SuperBowlHalftimeShow‬? –

 

But really, “I kissed a girl and I liked it” from ‪#‎katyperry‬ during the ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ ‪#‎HalftimeShow‬? . No doubt ‪#‎FoxNews‬ is already blaming Obama.

Just as well folks who paid over $10,000-20,000 for Super Bowl tickets can’t see the commercials. They can no longer afford the cars.

Hard to believe that after tonight we’ll be done with Super Bowl hype. The NFL draft hype starts in Monday morning.

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Stanford fans have to thank Pete Carroll for flashbacks of watching a coach lose a game by not using his best player: Jim Harbaugh throwing repeatedly instead of running Gerhart late in Big Game against Cal, David Shaw not letting Andrew Luck throw for a game winning TD in the Fiesta Bowl….. ‪#‎inflatedegos‬

 

 

So to put the end of the Super Bowl in context for baseball fans. Pete Carroll not giving the ball to Marshawn Lynch with 2nd and goal at the one and the game on the line was roughly analogous to Matt Williams pulling Jordan Zimmerman one out away from a complete game NLDS game 2 win. IMHO.

 

Meanwhile  Mike Huckabee said that changing stance against gay marriage would be like ‘asking someone who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped shrimp in their deli.”   Right, pork and shrimp together….. Apparently Huckabee has never been in a Chinese restaurant on Christmas.

If you’re reading this, are you tired of the Super Bowl pre-game already?

January 31, 2015

Okay, is it too late to put a prop bet that the Super Bowl MVP’s first utterance to the media will be “I’ve gotten a measles vaccination and I’m going to Disneyland?”

And it’s so hard to keep up with all this pre-Super Bowl stuff. Do we know how much the NFL has fined Marshawn Lynch today?

Aaron Hernandez, formerly a Patriots star until his arrest in 2013 for murder, will not be able to watch the Super Bowl in jail. “I feel so sorry for him,” said nobody.

 

Richard Sherman’s pregnant girlfriend told him not to skip the Super Bowl if she goes into labor the day of the game. Makes sense, what woman wants to be going through the delivery process with a guy who is yelling louder than she is?

 

Not sure who’ll be “going to Disneyland” after tomorrow’s Super Bowl,” but if it’s a member of the Patriots Disney is ordering extra guards to make sure nobody lets the air out of those Mickey Mouse balloons.

Sacramento police arrested an 8th grade girl for distributing home-made pot brownies to her classmates. Not sure what will happen to her in the legal system but the girl was voted “Most likely to open a restaurant in Colorado.”

More snow is expected by Monday on the East Coast. Which means forget about Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow or not. With enough snow no one will be able to see Punxsutawney Phil.

Sports bettors lost a record amount in 2014 in Vegas. Wonder how many of those losses were people betting on teams from New York?

As we are about the halfway point in the endless NBA season, who had the top two teams by record being the Atlanta Hawks and the Golden State Warriors? Now all you liars put your hands down.

People magazine is reporting that Bruce Jenner is “transitioning into life as a woman.” In related news for people who have been watching the former Olympic star, water is wet.

 

 

Carl Djerassi, 91, the Stanford chemist who developed the birth control pill, has died. As far as tributes, wonder how many millions of people are thankful they didn’t have kids to name after him?

 

Although re Djerassi, isn’t “Father of the Birth Control Pill” an oxymoron?

Carol, carol, carol….

January 29, 2015

Florence Henderson, 81, who will forever be Carol Brady to many baby-boomers, gave an interview during which she talked about currently having a “friend with benefits.” And you think it was tough figuring out that YOUR parents actually had sex.

Facebook was down for an hour Monday light, and apparently 5 people called 911 about it. Really? Don’t these people understand that 911 is for serious issues. Like if your television goes down during the Super Bowl?

A fighter jet flew low over Berkeley today, scaring a lot of residents. Turns out it was a Navy pilot showing off for his brother who is a student at the university. Wonder if the pilot will claim he was pushed into the cockpit.

Good to see that, once again, NFL has its priorities in order. Apparently Marshawn Lynch may be fined anyway, not for his “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” respondes, but for wearing his “BeastMode” cap which was not a league approved brand.

Thinking for Marshawn Lynch and the NFL it would be much more efficient if the Seahawks running back just put money for his fines in a retainer account at the beginning of the season and the league notified him when to top it up.

 

Bill Clinton, joking about what he would want to be called if Hillary runs for President and wins – “I could be called Adam.” (First man.) I don’t know. What about “First Bubba?”

Headline hyperbole award of the day.- “Home heartbreak.” Talking about the Warriors’ loss in OT yesterday to the Bulls. Golden State had a 19 game winning streak snapped and is now 36-7. ‪#‎tragicreally‬

A now former Stanford University star swimmer was barred from campus after being charged with five felony counts. He was arrested after allegedly being found raping an intoxicated, unconscious woman on campus. What an idiotic a**hole. Since he’s a swimmer instead of a football player, no other school will give him a second chance.

You really can’t make this stuff up.  Now Michelle Obama has a new supporter. For today. This tweet “Kudos to @FLOTUS for standing up for women & refusing to wear Sharia-mandated head-scarf in Saudi Arabia. Nicely done.” From Ted Cruz.

Joel Grey, in a new People magazine interview that he didn’t like labels, but if you “have to use labels, I’m a gay man.” “I’m shocked,” said about two people.

 

Two steps forward, one step back. While Pope Francis is winning friends for the Catholic Church around the world, now we’ve got Father Joseph Illo, who took over a San Francisco church recently and is getting rid of girls as altar servers.. This because females cannot enter the priesthood, and “Boys usually end up losing interest because girls generally do a better job A boys-only program gives altar boys the space to develop their own leadership potential.” ‪#‎nottheonion‬

Bus to hell, or heaven, from Gary Bachman:   “A cat, presumed dead and buried, showed up in neighbor’s yard five days later. ‘I did it in three,’ boasted Jesus.”

 

 

Despite the fact that New England is still digging out from Juno, the storyline now is on how underwhelming the storm was in NJ/NY. So, yes, Boston, to the New York-centric media you are officially chopped liver.

The lights weren’t out, the party wasn’t over.

January 19, 2015

Some say God wanted the Seahawks to win. But isn’t it as likely that God was rooting for the Packers and just turned to the Colts-Patriots figuring the game was over?

The ending of the NFC championship was bad enough Packers fans are getting sympathy cards from Cubs fans.

Quite a number of Seahawks fans actually left with a few minutes left in the game.   Suppose that’s better than all the Packers who didn’t show up in the fourth quarter.

 

Considering how popular both the  ‪#‎Patriots‬ and ‪#‎Seahawks‬ are wonder how many Americans will fast-forward through ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ to get to commercials

 

Will the ‪#‎Seahawks‬ vote ‪#‎Bostick‬ a ‪#‎SuperBowl‬ playoff share?

 

In “prop bets” though,  who had Russell Wilson getting his first completion of the day with less than four minutes less in the second quarter?  And who had him completing more passes in the first half to the Packers than the Seahawks?

The NFL  warned Marshawn Lynch that if he had worn gold cleats Sunday as he planned, he would have been ejected from the NFC championship game. Good to see the league once again focusing on what’s important.

Not a Seahawks fan, but if the problem with Lynch’s gold cleats was that they might have been a distraction, why weren’t the Oregon Ducks’ uniforms declared illegal most weeks.

Meanwhile, TC asks “Did anyone notice that Jim Nantz and Phil Simms were not wearing “Bose” headsets? That has to be a $50,000 fine at least from the NFL! EACH!!!!!”

 

Indianapolis reporter Bob Kravitz tweeted “Breaking: A league source tells me the NFL is investigating the possibility the Patriots deflated footballs Sunday night. More to come.” He added that “no one is suggesting this is why Colts lost” but if true the story will just add to New England’s lovable reputation.

 

On a brighter note, at least the Colts didn’t break their fans’ hearts in the 4th quarter.

First Jim Tomsula. Now rumors have the 49ers looking at Lane Kiffin as an offensive coordinator. And in from Ann Arbor you can almost hear a new resident giggling.

And one thing about Lane Kiffin, he’ll have the “offensive” part down pat.

 

Tony Verna, 81, the inventor of instant replay for sports on TV, has passed away. At his funeral, wonder how many times they will review his life?

FOX News apologized four times Saturday for recent incorrect information about Muslims in Europe- things like more than half the Muslims in France supporting ISIS, Sharia law superseding local law, there being “no-go” zones etc. Less shocking that people on FOX said these things perhaps, then that they apologized for them.

Excuses, excuses.

January 9, 2015

The president of a U.S. group known as the Catholic league, Bill Donohue, yesterday issued a statement titled “Muslims are right to be angry.” Saying that Charlie Hedbo had “provoked” terrorists, and had their editor “not been so narcissistic, he may still be alive.”

Of course, Donohue may feel that he has the moral high ground, because Catholics have never murdered anyone they felt didn’t respect their religion. ‪#‎nobodyexpectsthespanishinquisition‬

 

 

Just thinking, it’s a good thing females in general have a sense of humor, and are not likely to turn into crazy, vengeful mass murderers. Because the depiction of women at times in the media would have resulted in a whole lot more dead men.

Donald Trump took to Twitter after the Charlie Hedbo massacre to say “If the people shot down in Paris had guns at least they would have had a fighting chance” and the old “when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” Right, because in the US with our liberal gun laws we never have mass shootings….

Senator Barbara Boxer says she will retire and not seek re-election in 2016. That stampeding sound you’re about to hear is about 100 politicians in California rushing to congratulate Boxer on her service, at the same time saying why they should have her seat.

Curt Schilling, who was not elected to the Hall of Fame this year, suggested that it might be because “I know that as a Republican that there’s some people that really don’t like that.” Has someone given this man a post-career test for concussions?

Just because the season is over, doesn’t mean the fun has stopped for Chicago Bears fans: CB Jennings was arrested for DUI and speeding (99 in a 65 zone) yesterday. At 12noon. On his way to a parent-teacher conference. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch lost his appeal for his $100,000 fine for not speaking to the media. Wonder how much the NFL will fine Lynch for responding “no comment” to the decision.

J.C.Penney announced they will close 40 stores. J.C.Penney still has stores?

 

Former FBI Director Robert Mueller released a report saying there was ” no evidence that anyone at the NFL saw the Ray Rice elevator video before it was made public. So wonder whose luxury box Mueller will be in for the next several Super Bowls?

Boston beat out San Francisco as the U.S representative amongst bids to host the 2024 Olympic Games. So they have the Olympic bid and Pablo Sandoval. Wonder which one will give Boston buyer’s remorse first?

 

Three days after appearing together live on the premiere of this season’s “The Bachelor,”, last season’s “Bachelorette” Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray announced they have ended their engagement. Go$h, what rea$on$ would they have had for $taying together until the fir$t epi$ode?

 

Bus, or rather, truck to hell from Alex Kaseberg:  “In Michigan, a family of four rear-ended a truck and then their mini-van was dragged by the truck for 16 miles by the oblivious truck driver. On the bright side, their gas mileage for that trip was outstanding.”