Posted tagged ‘hall of fame jokes’

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All wet.

January 6, 2016

It’s just one storm series. Still a bit odd when you live in California and the newspaper story about the state still being in a drought is hard to read — because the paper got soaked clear through the plastic this morning.

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The NFL is reportedly looking for 500 volunteers to help assembly the half-time stage for the Super Bowl. They expect the time commitment to be at least 33 hours counting rehearsals, and no, a game ticket is not included. But hey, if you’ve started out the New Year in a charitable mood. The league IS a nonprofit…. ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

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The Rams in their NFL relocation bid to return to Los Angeles do some serious St. Louis bashing. Well, this ought to be fun when the Dodgers come to Busch Stadium this year to play the Cardinals.

 

 

#‎KenGriffeyJr‬ was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame with 99.3% of the vote. So would the .7% (3 voters)  like to explain their reasons?

 

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Meanwhile, Mike Piazza. who admitted taking at least “andro,”  proved that the writers think that a “good” guy with PEDs beats a “bad” guy with PED’s?

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Ammon Bundy, the Oregon militia leader, says he is “following directions from God.” And God says, “Don’t blame me, I have nothing to do with this a**hole.”

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Sean Payton says he is staying in New Orleans, “I can’t imagine me ever coaching another team.” So guess it’s “the Devil and Saints you know.

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Some skepticism on North Korea’s alleged H-bomb test, even though it allegedly caused seismic activity. Maybe the earthquake was caused by Kim Jong Il throwing a temper tantrum?

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Libertarian Gary Johnson said today he is running again for President in 2016. Not that he has a chance, but no doubt Johnson is already outpolling at least 2-3 GOP candidates.

 

Gov. Sam Brownback of Kansas just tweeted “Congrats Alex Gordon, with your new contract you’ll save about $1.8 million by living in KS instead of CA.”
Right, and then most winters Gordon can spend much of that $1.8 million getting out of Kansas. (And the Royals DO play in Missouri.)

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Macy’s says they will eliminate more than 4,500 jobs. And then presumably they will have a “One Day Layoff Sale?”

 

An 8-year-old girl is recovering in the hospital after she fell off a ski lift at Squaw Valley near Lake Tahoe. The girl apparently was not using the chair’s safety-restraint bar. Sure hope her parents don’t decide to sue for the resort not making her use the bar….

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Joe Biden says of his decision not to run for President in 2016. “I regret it every day.” I wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that Twitter may be expanding their tweets from 140 to 10,000 characters.

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On their 62nd try, Congress passed a repeal of the Affordable Care Act and sent it to the President to veto. So now they can return to attacking Obama for, amongst other things, wasting taxpayer money.

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From my funny friend  Alex Kaseberg  – Steve Harvey would like to personally congratulate Jose Canseco on his selection to the Hall of Fame.

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Excuses, excuses.

January 9, 2015

The president of a U.S. group known as the Catholic league, Bill Donohue, yesterday issued a statement titled “Muslims are right to be angry.” Saying that Charlie Hedbo had “provoked” terrorists, and had their editor “not been so narcissistic, he may still be alive.”

Of course, Donohue may feel that he has the moral high ground, because Catholics have never murdered anyone they felt didn’t respect their religion. ‪#‎nobodyexpectsthespanishinquisition‬

 

 

Just thinking, it’s a good thing females in general have a sense of humor, and are not likely to turn into crazy, vengeful mass murderers. Because the depiction of women at times in the media would have resulted in a whole lot more dead men.

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Donald Trump took to Twitter after the Charlie Hedbo massacre to say “If the people shot down in Paris had guns at least they would have had a fighting chance” and the old “when guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.” Right, because in the US with our liberal gun laws we never have mass shootings….

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Senator Barbara Boxer says she will retire and not seek re-election in 2016. That stampeding sound you’re about to hear is about 100 politicians in California rushing to congratulate Boxer on her service, at the same time saying why they should have her seat.

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Curt Schilling, who was not elected to the Hall of Fame this year, suggested that it might be because “I know that as a Republican that there’s some people that really don’t like that.” Has someone given this man a post-career test for concussions?

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Just because the season is over, doesn’t mean the fun has stopped for Chicago Bears fans: CB Jennings was arrested for DUI and speeding (99 in a 65 zone) yesterday. At 12noon. On his way to a parent-teacher conference. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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Seahawks RB Marshawn Lynch lost his appeal for his $100,000 fine for not speaking to the media. Wonder how much the NFL will fine Lynch for responding “no comment” to the decision.

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J.C.Penney announced they will close 40 stores. J.C.Penney still has stores?

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Former FBI Director Robert Mueller released a report saying there was ” no evidence that anyone at the NFL saw the Ray Rice elevator video before it was made public. So wonder whose luxury box Mueller will be in for the next several Super Bowls?

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Boston beat out San Francisco as the U.S representative amongst bids to host the 2024 Olympic Games. So they have the Olympic bid and Pablo Sandoval. Wonder which one will give Boston buyer’s remorse first?

 

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Three days after appearing together live on the premiere of this season’s “The Bachelor,”, last season’s “Bachelorette” Andi Dorfman and Josh Murray announced they have ended their engagement. Go$h, what rea$on$ would they have had for $taying together until the fir$t epi$ode?

 

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Bus, or rather, truck to hell from Alex Kaseberg:  “In Michigan, a family of four rear-ended a truck and then their mini-van was dragged by the truck for 16 miles by the oblivious truck driver. On the bright side, their gas mileage for that trip was outstanding.”

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The 2.7% factor?

January 6, 2015

Okay, Randy Johnson was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame after earning votes of 97.3% of the writers. The real news of the day:. Who are the idiots who didn’t think the Big Unit was good enough?

 

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Not that I am equating the two, so hold the hater comments. But the people who insist there were no PED users in MLB before Bonds and company are about as realistic as those who insist there are no gay men in MLB, or the NFL or NBA…..

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Great, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones wants Chris Christie at Lambeau Field for the Dallas-Green Bay game Sunday, saying “He’s part of our mojo. I want him there all the way. I’ll tell you, if he’s got enough mojo to pull this thing out, he ought to be looked at as President of the United States.”

Uh, my cat might have proven her voodoo powers with the SFGiants World Series win in 2014, but that doesn’t mean she should be President.

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Clearly I am not a coffee snob. I hear all the talk about “flat whites” and think it’s the Carnac answer to “What happens when Chris Christie jumps on people in the Cowboys’ luxury box?”

 

Bus to hell time, again. So former SF Giants All-Star Stu Miller died just as they are about to implode Candlestick Park. Talk about the potential for scattered ashes.

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Novelist and screenwriter Nicholas Sparks and his wife are ending their marriage of 25 years.. So assume he will turn the divorce into a soppy story and movie to pay alimony?

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Adam Vinatieri, 42, was randomly drug-tested after Sunday’s game, when he made a 53 yard field goal. Fortunately the Colts kicker no doubt travels with the list of approved drugs he gets through Medicare.

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Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in prison for his 11 convictions on public corruption charges. So sounds like he’ll be out in plenty of time to run for mayor of D.C. or any office in Louisiana.

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The GOP-led House voted to keep John Boehner as speaker, despite challenges from Reps. Louie Gohmert of Texas and Ted Yoho of Florida. ‪#‎wearecrazybutnotthatcrazy‬

 

O.J. Simpson’s Heisman Trophy, which was stolen in a 1994 USC burglary, has just been recovered. O.J. has immediately petitioned for parole so he can hunt for the real burglars.

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From Bill Littlejohn,  “The upcoming NCAA football championship will feature Pac-12’s Oregon vs. Big Ten’s Ohio State in a (former) Rose Bowl matchup. Shouldn’t they move it to Pasadena, Texas?”

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To close a bridge or not to close a bridge.

January 9, 2014

Silver lining for those who Chris Christie threw under the bus this morning? Have heard the Governor has also arranged for that bus to be stopped in traffic.

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–Wonder how long it will take others in GOP to turn on Christie over #Bridgegate. Expect to hear Mitt Romney express sympathy for all those families caught on the #GWB with their dogs on the roof.

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Okay, if Governor Chris Christie’s office closed a bridge over a meaningless endorsement from a small town N.J. mayor, got to wonder, what don’t we know about that they did to people who REALLY p*ssed them off?

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Okay, over-under on how long it will take someone to offer fired Chris Christie aide Bridget Kelly real money for a tell-all book?
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Chris Christie defenders say the NJ Governor is telling the truth and who has time to micro-manage a bunch of potentially over-zealous staffers when you are running a state. Of course the same folks would say of Obama that he was either lying or painfully isolated and/or disconnected from his job.

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Chris Christie in his press conference today “I am who I am, but I am not a bully.” Might have been better to say, “Actually, I CAN be a bully and anyone who doesn’t think we need a bully sometimes in Washington hasn’t been paying attention.”

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Legalized marijuana is apparently so popular in Colorado that stores can’t keep it in stock. Who says there’s no demand for “Made-in-America” products?

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This New Jersey “bridgegate” would never happen in California. Not saying Gov. Jerry Brown couldn’t be vindictive. But if he did something to cause traffic problems in say, Los Angeles, who would notice? #247gridlock

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There’s always room for bipartisan humor on the bus to hell.  Passed along by my friend Laura  –  “Best comment on the Christie bridge scandal: “Well he certainly wouldn’t be the first politician in that part of the country in a scandal involving a bridge and a dead woman.”

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After being stopped twice for going over MPH, Yasiel Puig says he has now hired a cousin to drive him around. Which is good news. As long as the cousin isn’t the one who taught Puig how to drive in the first place.

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LeBron James says he has been mentoring Johnny Manziel for months. Maybe it’s been working – at least when Johnny Football chose to leave Texas A & M he didn’t schedule an ESPN special to announce his decision.

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The Washington Nationals Adam LaRoche posted a picture of himself with a dead mountain lion around his shoulders that he had just shot. Guessing this man is pretty sure he never wants another free agent offer from San Francisco.

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From Marc Ragovin ” ome politicians have called Dennis Rodman’s embrace of North Korean dictator Kim Jung-on to be treasonous.  Hmmm.  Looks like The Worm has turned.”

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Scarlett Johansson on “The Daily Show” talking about her role in “Her” (where she plays a Siri-like phone voice a man falls in love with) said: “There’s a lot of advantages to not having a body, actually.” And millions of women hearing her say that are just thinking “Oh, STFU!'”

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Am tired of all the baseball writers who have turned HOF voting into a morality play. But if it’s REALLY about steroids, how do you justify a vote for Tom Glavine, who was the NL player union rep. during much of the steroid era, and fought hard against PED testing. –

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Tough baseball question of the night, and answering publicly is optional. Imagine it was up to you. Your team could win a World Series, but it would require that you picked up a player using a new, illegal but undetectable, PED. He would carry the team all season and become the Series MVP. Do you say yes, or take the high road and turn the player down.

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Bridgegate to the 21st century?

January 9, 2014

Now that it appears lanes on the George Washington Bridge were closed out of spite for the Fort Lee,mayor not endorsing Chris Christie, the Governor has responded that he was “outraged and deeply saddened to learn that not only was I misled by a member of my staff, but this completely inappropriate and unsanctioned conduct was made without my knowledge.” Sounds like Christie is already at Presidential level buck-passing.

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What’s more amazing about “Bridgegate”   – that N.J. Governor’s Chris Christie’s office was petty enough to cause a traffic jam over a meaningless endorsement? 

Or that they were stupid enough to joke about it in traceable emails.

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Fort Lee, NJ, Mayor Sokolich on “Bridgegate”: “How low can you go … congratulations, you’ve just made New Jersey the brunt of every political joke for the next 25 years.” On a brighter note for Chris Christie’s office, they just received a “Thank you” bouquet from Florida.

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Maddux, Glavine, Thomas. And baseball writers kick the cream and the clear down the road.

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Actually, if the criteria is being absolutely above suspicion as far as steroids – and the Big Hurt did play during that “era”, the only sure modern HOF players should be Tim Wakefield and Jamie Moyer.

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Dennis Rodman has apologized for remarks he made in North Korea about captured American missionary Kenneth Bae, saying he was drunk.  So who knew, what Rodman might really want is someday to run for mayor of Toronto.

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Roger Goodell says the NFL is open to expanding the playoffs from 12 to 14, possibly as early as 2015. Will be interesting then to see how the Dallas Cowboys will manage to finish 15th.

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A new CNN study found that many male college athletes in basketball and football only read at an elementary school level. Which might be embarrassing for these young men if they could read the article.

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The Port of Galveston is now charging cruise passengers duty on cigarettes and alcohol purchased during their cruises. It being Texas, no doubt guns can be imported for free.

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Macy’s has announced they lay off 2,500 workers. So can we expect a “One Day Layoff Sale”?

(My friend Pamela suggests “Pink Slip Day.)

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In Utah, a 58 year old woman, due to give birth next month, is serving as a gestational surrogate for her daughter and son-in-law, since her daughter had not been able to sustain a pregnancy. Good for them, but all these folks who talk about “God’s will” and having children…. in this case, “God’s will” was miscarriages. Modern science is the reason this woman is giving birth to her own grandchild.

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Column enhancing drugs?

January 8, 2014

Really? Ken Gurnick of MLB.com says he did not vote for Greg Maddux on the Hall of Fame ballot, because he’s excluding everyone from the steroid era. So Gurnick thinks it’s potential PED’s that got Maddux’s stuff to break 80 mph?

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Just wondering how many of these holier-than-thou sportswriters have ever used anything illegal when they were on deadline?

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Ratings for the Packers-49ers game were the highest ever for a NFL wild card game, presumably because viewers are fascinated to watch players in cold weather. Well, heck, forget the Super Bowl in somewhere “moderate” like New York, put it in Regina, Saskatchewan (where the Canadian Grey Cup was played.) Lowest temperature this weekend with wind chill, -53C.

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Brent Musberger introduced himself last night as Kirk Herbstreit. Apparently reading the wrong cue card. Well, for those who worry Musberger is getting too old… at least he can still read.

 

While A.J. McCarron seems like a polite young man, his mother posted this tweet during Jameis Winston’s post BCS championship news conference- “Am I listening to English?” Guessing mom hasn’t spent a lot of time hanging around her son’s teammates.

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Wonder how long it will take before someone adopts #polarvortex as their stripper name?

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Over 500 travelers ended up stranded last night on Amtrak trains stuck in the snow near Chicago. If this had happened with a major U.S. airline, they’d all have been charged a sleeper surcharge.

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A new study from Boston Children’s Hospital concluded that student athletes should avoid both sports activity and schoolwork after head injuries.  Responded many football players “schoolwork?”

From Jim Barach on the same subject “A study says that student athletes need to take a break from school after getting a concussion. Isn’t taking a break from school work the whole point of becoming a student athlete in the first place?”

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Mountain Dew flavored Cheetos are now available in Japan. Actually, they should sell the snacks in Colorado and Washington, because I’m guessing you need to be really stoned before those sound good.

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Rumor has it that Lane Kiffin will become Nick Saban’s new offensive coordinator. As if we didn’t have enough reasons to hate Alabama.

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So much for the mystery of how he was stupid enough to get caught in the first place: A man escaped from a minimum security prison in Kentucky on Sunday, just before the coldest day of the year, with no money or outerwear. On Monday, with the temperature near 0, and wind chill -20, he asked a motel clerk to call the police so he could turn himself in.

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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers are fighting to get his pension back (which his wife could then use), under the arguments that the law requiring sexual abusers to forfeit pensions was enacted after he was hired, and besides, the former coach was technically “retired” at the time of his crimes. Isn’t there any way to put this guy in prison general population?

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Bachelor and Bachelorette contestant Emily Maynard is now engaged for the fourth time. (To be fair, her first fiance died.) And millions of men across America find this as interesting as some of their wives find the BCS standings.

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One of the more amusing things, (and yes, I find the Batchelor/Bachelorette shows amusing in small doses) about the initial episode is these women sobbing about how they knew it was right, and they were so invested in “the journey”, and they knew the guy about 10 minutes.

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Billionaire Longhorns Red McCombs called the hiring of Louisville head coach Charlie Strong a “kick in the face. Adding I don’t have any doubt that Charlie is a fine coach. I think he would make a great position coach, maybe a coordinator. But I don’t believe (he belongs at) what should be one of three most powerful university programs in the world right now at UT-Austin.” Is McCombs angling for a guest appearance on “Duck Dynasty?”

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How do they get that “dumb jock” image?

January 11, 2013

Oakland Raiders LB Rolando McClain was cited in Georgia for overly dark tinted car windows. But he signed the citation “F*ck y’all,” and told the officer it was his real name.   McClain was then arrested for giving a false name to law enforcement.

The Pittsburgh Steelers waived RB Chris Rainey after an arrest for domestic violence, a  little more than 2 years after he was dismissed from the U of Florida football team for a similar arrest and reinstated 28 days later by then coach Urban Meyer. Yeah, clearly Rainey learned his lesson….

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Instead of toys, McDonald’s restaurants in England are now giving away books with Happy Meals. Responded many U.S. children “What are books?”

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Jerry Buss said the Lakers are a “very, very solid team.” “Solid?”” Right, like petrified wood.

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Smart people, foolish choices: Stanford decided to have a Rose Bowl celebration featuring trophy photo opportunities, and team autographs before a men’s basketball game. And the date and time they picked – 7p, Sat. Jan 12.    Not like any football fans in the Bay Area will be doing anything.

(for non-football fans,  SF 49ers-Green Bay at 5p, in San Francisco.)

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New Jacksonville GM David Caldwell says he can’t “imagine a scenario where” Tim Tebow “will be a Jacksonville Jaguar.” Well, and the team has been doing so well without him.

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In Berkeley, CA, residents are fighting a proposed new 24-hour 7- Eleven. Wow. If there’s ever a city where folks NEED that 3:00am Doritos fix….

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from Marc Ragovin:   (groaner time)    “Kevin Garnett, who has a history of lobbing personal insults at opponents, is once again under fire for telling Carmelo Anthony that his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios during a recent game. I think it’s pretty obvious that Garnett is a cereal offender.”

Keith Ratliff, who called himself a “gun nut” and worked on Youtube videos for a site focused on high-powered firearms, was found shot to death in his Georgia home. (Police said the home contained “multiple weapons.”) Yeah, karma’s a mean bitch, and so is her sister “irony.”

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Just don’t understand the Academy’s snub of Ben Affleck. I mean, I’ve never even heard a whisper that the Argo director was taking PEDs.

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Some reports indicate almost 10% of MLB players have a prescription for Adderall, an amphetamine used to treat ADHD. Yet, without a prescription, taking the drug is grounds for suspension in baseball and football. Okay, your move, Hall of Fame voters….

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A California high school student is in custody after a teacher talked him into dropping his shotgun. This after the 16 year old allegedly had shot at two fellow students and critically wounded one. Waiting for the NRA to say the teacher should have just been armed and returned fire.

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“Nothing bad happened”

January 10, 2013

No one was elected to the Hall of Fame today. So regarding the “steroid era” is this going to be like the Family Guy episode with the tour in Germany when Brian asks what happened between 1939-1945? And the guide says, “Everyone was on vacation.”

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If the Baseball Hall of Fame really wanted to make a statement about PED’s they should have elected Jamie Moyer. Since we know he got 269 wins without PED’s. (If he had been on ‘roids his fastball would have hit at least 70.)

 

If the real issue with PED’s is that they are illegal does that mean we need to eject all baseball Hall of Fame members who drank alcohol between 1920 and 1933?

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Temperatures in the San Francisco Bay Area will dip below freezing this weekend. Thereby proving the point of some who probably said years ago that it would be a cold day in hell if Barry Bonds wasn’t a first ballot Hall of Famer.

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The NYC Fire Department said the high-speed ferry that crashed this morning had a “hard landing” Ya think? Almost as hard a landing as Notre Dame’s BCS title hopes.

(on a serious note, the injuries apparently were almost all people falling, in some cases down stairs.  A reminder, maybe if you stand up getting off a ferry or anything else that moves, good idea to have at least one hand on a railing instead of one holding a briefcase and one on a smartphone…)

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Some think Phil Jackson has to thanking his lucky stars that he turned down the Los Angeles Lakers’ job. But I figure Phil thinks if he took the job, they’d be in first place by now.

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A new NIH study said that diet soda drinkers are more likely to be diagnosed with depression. Maybe when they find out that diet drinks don’t offset large quantities of potato chips, ice cream and pizza?

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John Wall hopes to join the Wizards for his season debut Saturday. Isn’t this like somehow getting aboard mid-voyage of the Titanic?

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So since it’s about character and being “natural” will this year’s Academy Awards exclude drug users and anyone who has had plastic surgery?

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From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  No one was elected this year to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Now, if we could just do that with Congress.

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Well, a couple days ago I posted how Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly claimed that leaving Notre Dame “is not an option. I don’t even think about it.” Today sources said Kelly interviewed with the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, maybe Brian can stop by the confessional on his way out.

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AIG, who took a $182 billion bailout from the U.S. govt, has apparently changed their mind about joining a lawsuit against the terms of that bailout. Even the folks at Penn State fighting NCAA sanctions were thinking “Have you no shame?”

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