Posted tagged ‘Academy Awards jokes’

And the winner should have been….

February 22, 2015

Security at this year’s Academy Awards will be tight. Especially since they need half a dozen or so men just to keep Kanye West from rushing the stage.

As we approach the Oscars, the snubs are often as much a source of discussion as the nominees. For example, how did “Frozen” not get nominated this year for “Best Documentary”?

Prince Harry and Emma Watson are dating. Could be some of the best pillow-talk ever: “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

Chris Bosh will be out for the season at least with blood clots in his lungs. His long-term prognosis is good. But what a bummer for Heat fans who were counting on the team’s .434 winning percentage getting them into the Eastern Conference playoffs.

On the bright side for San Jose Sharks fans, at least this year the team isn’t likely to break their hearts in the playoffs.


Tickets for this year’s Comic-Con in San Diego this July sold out in less than an hour. On the bright side for hopeful attendees, most of those who bought 2 tickets probably don’t yet have dates.

American Airlines says that due to a “technical glitch” with a conveyor belt they couldn’t load checked baggage on planes for eight hours on Friday. And not only did planes depart without luggage, passengers weren’t notified and found out only after they waited, in many cases over an hour at empty carousels.   So what, the travelers hadn’t paid their “communication” fees?

Fox News has reported that the West Coast dock labor dispute finally is over after 9 months. Without the mentioning the reason – that the President sent Labor Secretary Perez to Oakland with an order to end it. (An agreement was done in 3 days.) So where’s the fury over Obama’s “Imperial Presidency” on this one?

Kris Jenner is apparently claiming someone has extorted her over a nude video hack. Well, at least Kris doesn’t have to pay. Even if the hacker posts the video, no one will watch it.

A florist in Washington is refusing to settle a discrimination case over providing flowers for the gay wedding of a longtime customer, because she says “her ‘relationship with Jesus Christ’ won’t allow it. So presume she also doesn’t do flowers for couples who have had pre-marital or extra-marital sex before THEIR weddings?

Wis. Gov. Scott Walker said today “I’ve never asked him, I don’t know” when asked whether President Barack Obama loves America. Well to be fair, Walker said he didn’t know about evolution either. ‪#‎doublingdownonstupid‬


Selfie overload.

March 3, 2014

Ellen DeGeneres’s Oscar selfie with Meryl Streep, Jennifer Lawrence, Kevin Spacey, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt was retweeted so many times it disrupted Twitter service for 20 minutes. Gosh, does this mean that terrorists could shut down social media in the US if they find a cute enough group of cats?


Jared Leto won an Oscar Sunday.. Either that or Jesus has shown up. #Oscars2014

Add to the things that lasted longer than Russia’s post Olympics warm fuzzy feeling – Cate Blanchett’s Oscar acceptance speech #Oscars2014

As long as the Oscars show is, they still don’t have time for all the potential awards. For best actor of the year in a political drama, we could have nominated Chris Christie – “I Had No Idea My Top Aides Were Involved In Payback Politics

Jamie Foxx is with his lovely daughter at the Oscars. Note. Daughter. Casual views might think otherwise as the age difference is about the average that George Clooney has with his dates.

Congratulations to “12 years a slave.” And to non-movie fans, no, it’s not about an NFL player complaining about his contract.

Jake Peavy was scratched from his first spring training start for the Red Sox when he cut a finger with a fishing knife this weekend. And in SF the Giants presumably added fishing to the list of prohibited dangerous activities for Jeremy Affeldt.

#CateBlanchett deserved a Oscar for playing a  woman whose failing marriage made her crazier than any woman who didn’t actually marry Woody Alllen.

$51 billion for the Olympics to show the world what a nice place Russia is, and Putin can’t wait a week to invade Ukraine. That warm fuzzy feeling lasted less time than the Cubs’ annual playoff hopes.

Many in the GOP are urging President Obama to intervene in Ukraine. No doubt so they can then complain about him risking US lives and money in a war that is not our concern.

Gov. Jerry Brown said he is not sure legalizing marijuana is a good idea in California. “And all of a sudden, if there’s advertising and legitimacy, how many people can get stoned and still have a great state or a great nation?” Right, because having pot illegal except for “medical” reasons has done such a good job of reducing the number of people who smoke now.

Actually think this is kind of a cool compromise. In Boston, a deal has been reached to allow “MassEquality”, a gay advocacy group, to march in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. But no T-shirts or signs with the word “gay.” And no marchers can refer to sexual orientation. Of course this means no shirts or signs saying “straight” either.


New NBA commission Adam Silver says he has considered having a play-in game for the last playoff spots. Right. Because 16 teams in the post season just aren’t enough.

And the winners were…

February 25, 2013

As Johnny Carson once said as Oscar host    “this is the night we honor movies And what happens? Millions of people watching televison. No one in the movie theaters.”


Anyone else think “We Saw Your Boobs” is a better Oscar song than “It’s Tough Out There for a Pimp?”


Still a lot of talk Monday morning about Seth MacFarlane’s “We Saw Your Boobs” song last night at the Oscars. Not to be confused with C-Span, which is “We See You Boobs.”

Not sure about all the music at this year’s Oscars. But that Jaws music cue has potential for political speeches.

The shoemaker’s children…. women who just won for hair styling and makeup might have had the worst hair and makeup of the night.

One of the most amusing things about the Oscar ceremony…. how some of these actresses can be wearing clothes that cost more than an average American’s average salary, and still look like they didn’t get dressed in front of a mirror.

Jane Fonda, 75, looks better than many actresses half her age. Maybe that commie-pinko youth is good for you.


Now that Anne Hathaway has won her #Oscar maybe she can grow her hair out again and eat something?


In Benedict’ XVI’s last Sunday address in St. Peter’s Square the Pope said he was following God’s wishes by stepping down. “Why didn’t I think of that?” said Sarah Palin.


A “crippling, historic blizzard” has the National Weather Service in Amarillo, Texas posting “DO NOT TRAVEL” on its website. Maybe Mother Nature isn’t too pleased about Governor Perry’s trying to talk businesses into leaving California for Texas.

Kim Kardashian’s baby daddy, Kanye West on Saturday: “The Grammys can suck my d–k.” And he’s supposed to be the classier of the two future parents.


Fauja Singh, 101, finished the Hong Kong marathon’s 10k today, in 1 hour, 32 minutes, and says it is his last race. “Quitting so young?” responded Brett Favre.


Oakland Raiders’ DT Desmond Bryant, a Harvard graduate, has been jailed in Miami on a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief. Who says Ivy League graduates never fit in in the NFL?

Yahoo has upset many employees by telling them they can no longer telecommute starting in June, a change which is particularly hard on working parents. This is the kind of thing that wouldn’t happen if you had more women running companies…. Oops, never mind.


February 6, 2013

Have to figure a whole lot of voters feel even better today about that choice of Buster Posey for 2012 NL MVP:   Per Jeff Passan of Yahoo Sports “Ryan Braun’s name is in the records of the Florida clinic alleged to have distributed PED’s to a rash of baseball players, and MLB will investigate….

Ryan Braun now admits he’s on client list of alleged PED specialist Anthony Bosch but says it’s only because his lawyers used Bosch as a consultant. Guess Braun prefers that to saying he’d gone to Bosch on behalf of his imaginary girlfriend?

Dwight Howard was already on the bench, Metta World Peace was suspended and Pau Gasol injured his foot. Yet the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Brooklyn Nets 92-83 tonight. If Kobe Bryant gets hurt, maybe this team can win it all.

The Oscar producers say that for this year’s telecast they’re trying to cut out the boring parts. So should we expect a half hour ceremony?

This discovery of Richard III’s bones has re-ignited the discussion over whether the English monarch was a murderer. With all due respect, until about 1700 weren’t all of them?

Donald Trump is suing Bill Maher for $5 million since Maher hasn’t paid off after saying he would write a check to charity if Trump could prove he’s not the son of an orangutan. In Bill’s defense, the Donald hasn’t yet shown a birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head.

The New York Mets’ owners want to open a Vegas-style casino next to Citi Field. What? Hoping to see a good game after buying high-priced Mets tickets isn’t enough of a gamble?.

A new study found that men who watched more than 20 hours a week of television had sperm counts that were 44 percent lower than those who seldom watched. “Really, honey, of course I want to put down the remote, but I’m trying to save us money on birth control.”

LB Brandon Joiner, 23, who signed with Cincinnati in May, is finally officially now a Bengals rookie after serving an 8 month prison term for a 2007 robbery. Making him the first Bengals player to get his conviction out of the way before joining the team?

So in light of the Richard III skeleton discovery should we rewrite Shakespeare’s line “My kingdom for someone who can validate my parking ticket?”

For anyone going through NFL withdrawal who’s not a baseball fan, cheer up, we’re only about 75 days away from the first month of the NBA playoffs.

How do they get that “dumb jock” image?

January 11, 2013

Oakland Raiders LB Rolando McClain was cited in Georgia for overly dark tinted car windows. But he signed the citation “F*ck y’all,” and told the officer it was his real name.   McClain was then arrested for giving a false name to law enforcement.

The Pittsburgh Steelers waived RB Chris Rainey after an arrest for domestic violence, a  little more than 2 years after he was dismissed from the U of Florida football team for a similar arrest and reinstated 28 days later by then coach Urban Meyer. Yeah, clearly Rainey learned his lesson….

Instead of toys, McDonald’s restaurants in England are now giving away books with Happy Meals. Responded many U.S. children “What are books?”

Jerry Buss said the Lakers are a “very, very solid team.” “Solid?”” Right, like petrified wood.

Smart people, foolish choices: Stanford decided to have a Rose Bowl celebration featuring trophy photo opportunities, and team autographs before a men’s basketball game. And the date and time they picked – 7p, Sat. Jan 12.    Not like any football fans in the Bay Area will be doing anything.

(for non-football fans,  SF 49ers-Green Bay at 5p, in San Francisco.)

New Jacksonville GM David Caldwell says he can’t “imagine a scenario where” Tim Tebow “will be a Jacksonville Jaguar.” Well, and the team has been doing so well without him.

In Berkeley, CA, residents are fighting a proposed new 24-hour 7- Eleven. Wow. If there’s ever a city where folks NEED that 3:00am Doritos fix….

from Marc Ragovin:   (groaner time)    “Kevin Garnett, who has a history of lobbing personal insults at opponents, is once again under fire for telling Carmelo Anthony that his wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios during a recent game. I think it’s pretty obvious that Garnett is a cereal offender.”

Keith Ratliff, who called himself a “gun nut” and worked on Youtube videos for a site focused on high-powered firearms, was found shot to death in his Georgia home. (Police said the home contained “multiple weapons.”) Yeah, karma’s a mean bitch, and so is her sister “irony.”

Just don’t understand the Academy’s snub of Ben Affleck. I mean, I’ve never even heard a whisper that the Argo director was taking PEDs.

Some reports indicate almost 10% of MLB players have a prescription for Adderall, an amphetamine used to treat ADHD. Yet, without a prescription, taking the drug is grounds for suspension in baseball and football. Okay, your move, Hall of Fame voters….

A California high school student is in custody after a teacher talked him into dropping his shotgun. This after the 16 year old allegedly had shot at two fellow students and critically wounded one. Waiting for the NRA to say the teacher should have just been armed and returned fire.

Oscars and other statues

February 28, 2011

Not that all of them aren’t attractive but “Oscar’s”  forehead really isn’t any less movable than many attending actresses.

On the other hand,  the Academy Awards are the biggest event where the prize is an immovable statue since the 1992 NBA draft, when the first pick was  Shaquille O’Neal.

Celine Dion singing “Smile” for “In Memoriam” section of the Oscars. A nice effort, but doesn’t the U.S. have a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

Say what you will about Kirk Douglas. He was much more articulate than either Paula Abdul or Sarah Palin.

“The Social Network” won for “Best Original Score.”

So many Academy voters are in their 60s, you have to figure the number of them who really know what Facebook is about equaled the number of Zuckerberg’s contemporaries who know what an “Original Score.”

In fact, I would wager that more many Facebook” users of Zuckerberg’s generation, the first thing they think of with “original score” is their first hookup of the evening.

Augie points out about the “PG-13ing” of “The King’s Speech,”  -“How hypocritical. Every single F’ing expletive used today has an English derivative. What’s next? No F-bombs in baseball? ”

And yeah, what’s next indeed?  No one under 17 within hearing distance of the batter’s box and the pitcher’s mound?  My lip reading isn’t perfect, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t “Gosh’s” and “Golly’s” and “Drat it’s” coming out of ballplayers’ mouths when things go badly.

Catty corner:  On the subject of Oscar hair – what wind tunnel did Annette Benning use to style hers?  And note to Scarlett Johansson – if you don’t have time to have your hair done, it’s not a bad idea just to brush it.

Cattiness is not just about women being bitchy towards other women. To whit: Okay, there were a lot of actresses on the red carpet Sunday night with awful hairstyles (or a lack thereof.) But gentlemen, do you think being nominated or asked to present an award just MIGHT have been reason enough to shave?

One actress who somehow missed both an Oscar and Razzie (“saluting the worst Hollywood has to offer”) nomination – Lindsay Lohan.   Despite all her performances as someone who might actually be making a serious effort at getting her sh*t together.

Frank Buckles, the last surviving WWI veteran, died today at the age of 110. His greatest regret? That he didn’t live to see that “nice young man” John McCain become president.

For anyone who doesn’t believe that there are hierarchies of karma –   I give you tonight’s NBA  final from Miami –  The new look Carmelo Anthony New York Knicks – – 91, the semi-new look Lebron James led Miami Heat – 86.

Thrice-married Newt Gingrich is about to announce his run for President. Guess he thinks who better to defend “family values,” than someone who’s had so many of them?

And the award goes to…

March 8, 2010

On Oscar night Americans always learn two things- First, the names of the winners of a number of awards. Second, with most most of the attendees wearing outfits that cost at least five figures (before jewelry), that money absolutely cannot buy taste.

So congrats to Kathryn Bigelow, who won both best director and best picture for “The Hurt Locker.” But really, wonder how many of those votes were for having the good sense to divorce James Cameron?

(Btw, Oscar commentators this year like to talk about how great it is that “older women” won and how young they look. (Best Director Kathryn Bigelow is 58, Best Actress Sandra Bullock is 45.) So what about older men..?.(Best Actor Jeff Bridges is 61.)

My very funny and otherwise intelligent friend Rich Lieberman refers to George Clooney as a “giant hemorrhoid.” With all due respect Rich, if Cooney were a hemorrhoid, lack of sales from women would put Preparation H out of business.,

It’s that time of year again – March Madness. And there’s also the NCAA basketball tournament starting soon, in addition to the usual spring training delusions of Cubs fans about a World Series championship,

US Airways pilot, Charles “Sully” Sullenberger, 59, has retired from US Airways. Apparently he wanted to spend more time with his grandchildren, instead of being directed by them from the control tower.

Both GM and Ford have announced recent sales increases. I believe the unofficial title of these successful campaigns is “I love what you do for me, Toyota.”