Posted tagged ‘Kardashian jokes’

Derby eve.

May 6, 2016

Happy Kentucky Derby Eve, or Derby Day, depending when you read this: The Kentucky Derby is 142 years old. But it might be the perfect sporting event for our time – to give it their full attention, the race only requires people to put down their phones for 2 minutes.

 

The Kardashians flew down to Cuba to film an episode of their reality show. If Raoul Castro really wants to improve relations with the U.S. maybe Cuba can keep them?

 

Tim Lincecum pitched off the mound today. Timmy has 2 important qualities ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are now looking for in a 4th or 5th starter – Alive & Breathing

In St. Cloud, Florida, a 25 year-old man allegedly fatally shot his brother in an argument over a cheeseburger.  Will he say he was just standing his ground beef?

Jeb Bush has joined Lindsay Graham in saying he will not vote for Donald Trump nor Hillary Clinton. Well, this should make a difference to both of Jeb’s former supporters.

A Reuters/Ipsos poll says ” Nearly half” of U.S voters plan to vote for Clinton or Trump in November mainly to keep the other side from winning. Only half?

Email today asking if I have “Decided not to thank President Obama for fighting Citizens United?” because I haven’t signed some card yet. Why do I think that if I ignore the email President Obama will get over it?

The LA Angels of Anaheim, below .500 and already struggling with injuries, have lost starter Garrett Richards for the season. Looking like only thing that could really save their season – moving to the NL West.

Golfer Zac Blair was disqualified from the Wells Fargo Championship for using a bent putter. The putter had got bent when he hit himself in the head with it after missing an earlier putt. And apparently you can replace clubs but not when damage is done in anger. ‪#‎andwethoughtthebalkrulewasweird‬

GOP chairman Reince Priebus on Donald Trump’s Cinco de Mayo tweet. “He’s trying.” Yes, very.

Sen. Lindsey Graham said today he will not vote for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. But he expects to be re-elected as someone who can make tough decisions facing our country?

 

London has elected Sadiq Khan as their first Muslim mayor. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

 

Dick Cheney says he will support Trump’s candidacy. Makes sense, maybe Cheney hopes the Donald will choose him as a running mate and let the former VP run the country again

And  happy birthday to Willie Mays, still the Say Hey Kid at 85.   (This picture taken at spring training when Willie was still a young 84.)

willie

Shoot out at the OK preschool?

March 10, 2016

The Florida woman who was shot by her 4-year-old son apparently is still pro-gun, and her own mother dismisses the shooting as “an accident and nothing more.” Sounds like a good phrase for a tombstone.

 

 

Taco Bell has announced they are lowering some prices. Gosh, hope this doesn’t lead to their lowering the fine quality of their ingredients.

In California, the legislature passed a bill to raise the smoking age to 21. And most college students are shrugging – “It’s only tobacco.”

Regarding all this controversy over Kim Kardashian maybe being “slut-shamed” for her latest naked selfie: Look, I’m a feminist and think women should be proud of their bodies. But jeez, Kim, haven’t we seen enough of yours? ‪#‎boring‬

A rear admiral was fired after he admitted to investigators he spent nine hours in a ten day period aboard an assault ship looking at porn on a Defense Department computer. Nine hours out of ten days… and some are wondering, “Was he fired for not being man enough?”

(or stupid enough not to have a smart phone with an unlimited data plan.)

A major brawl broke out and was caught on video on a Spirit Airlines flight today when two women started playing music from a boom box and refused to turn it down.  While the women were detained by security at LAX no one was arrested.

Spirit Airlines did, however, reportedly charge other passengers on board an entertainment fee.

Alas, a koala at the Griffith Park zoo in Los Angeles was apparently eaten by a local mountain lion. Clearly the koala should have been armed.

In Kansas, GOP senators frustrated with the judicial system have passed a bill that would make “attempting to usurp the power” of the Legislature or the executive branch grounds for impeachment. So any judge who overturned legislation could be impeached. Forget spinning, James Madison is causing a tornado in his grave.

 

The Milwaukee Bucks’ O.J. Mayo broke his right ankle falling down stairs at home today and is done for the year. Making him luckier than Bucks’ season ticket holders.

OSU’s Urban Meyer has endorsed John Kasich. Well, if Kasich gets on the ticket there go the GOP’s chances in Michigan.

 

 

Barack Obama’s approval ratings are back up to 50%, the highest in 3 years. Guess it’s beginning to dawn on Americans that one of these people they are watching debate is actually going to be our next president. ‪#‎lookingbetterbycomparison‬

Ben Carson is going to endorse Donald Trump. Does that mean Trump might be able to pick up both Carson’s supporters?

 –

Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are so united in their so-called hatred of government: so will they both sign a pledge saying if a natural disaster hits their states they won’t call in the evil feds?

Gave up on the GOP debate even for comedy research purposes to watch the Spurs game. Another reason to like San Antonio, they have so many “immigrant” players, they’d probably annoy the hell out of Trump.

Trump says he will put Ben Carson in charge of education. Uh, except that during this campaign the Dr. has if anything made people wonder how low the standards have gotten for medical school?

 

Is this year’s ‪#‎AmericanIdol‬ final season format designed to make sure we really don’t miss the show when it’s gone?

Trudeau-Obama press conference today in Washington. Two politicians together at lecterns who aren’t screaming at each other… Well, where’s the fun in that?

Now that Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau has visited the White House waiting for Trump to tell his supporters “Big deal, when I am in charge we’ll make Canada’s President show up.”

As a final change today  from the debate circus tents: “In a rapidly pivoting world, it becomes easy to become fearful. It becomes easy to turn in on ourselves. And we know from history that it’s much more important to turn outwards, and to draw out the best in each other. And to understand that whenever people get together, regardless of how different they may seem, there are always more things we have in common than that differentiate us.”
Justin Trudeau, today in D.C. Once again, ‪#‎canweborrowhim‬?

Speaking out

March 8, 2016

Pittsburgh’s DeAngelo Williams called out Peyton Manning as a “hall of fame QB who couldn’t play dead in a western last year.” Yeah, well that’s just piling on after the Steelers eliminated the Broncos from the playoffs last year. Oh wait, never mind.

The Supreme Court today UNANIMOUSLY today reversed an Alabama court’s refusal to recognize a same-sex adoption. Yes, even Thomas and Alito agreed. Maybe we are creeping into the 21st century after all..

Erin Andrews won $55 million in her lawsuit over being videotaped nude in her hotel room. And the Kardashians are thinking “We’d have allowed it for half that.”

Bette Middler might have won the internet today: “Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”

Atlanta Falcons assistant coach Marquand Manuel has apologized for asking OSU cornerback Eli Apple if he was gay. So is he sorry for the question, or sorry that it leaked out?

 

A United Airlines flight from Houston to Munich had to return to Intercontinental Airport with smoke billowing from one engine after they hit a bird during takeoff. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.

Maria Sharapova apparently failed a drug test at the Australian Open. The substance is one she has been taking for years, but was on a list of drugs that were banned starting January 1. Sharapova acknowledged getting the email but said she didn’t read it….
Creative excuses isn’t one area we really wanted women athletes to start equaling men.

(And okay,  if it’s a lie it’s a stupid one, if she didn’t read the list and didn’t have someone on her staff read it well, well, that’s more stupid.)

 

 

Six UC Santa Cruz fraternity and sorority members were arrested and charged with being part of an organized Ecstasy drug ring. Well, that’s one way to deal with high tuition costs.

Some talk now about how much a loss in the Florida Primary would hurt Marco Rubio. Well, not as much as his own campaigning has hurt him.

32 pts in 1st half for ‪#‎Spurs‬ tonight in Indiana against the ‪#‎Pacers‬. That Sunday  ‪#‎Lakers‬ game might have not been the best for San Antonio’s usual inspiration from watching the Golden State #Warriors.

Michael Bloomberg says he will not run for President. Has he finally figured out that the seat for the egotistical New York billionaire in the clown car is full?

Meanwhile in South Florida, the Sun-Sentinel says there is no good candidate in the GOP primary and will not endorse. This includes the man they endorsed when he ran for Senate “Because Rubio has failed to do his job as a senator, broken the promises he made to Floridians and backed away from his lone signature piece of legislation on immigration, we cannot endorse him for president.”
Not even to get him out of Florida?

No stopping us now?

November 19, 2015

The Golden State Warriors look so good right now, starting to think the only thing that could derail the team is a player dating a Kardashian.

Staples Center sounds like Petco Park when the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ visit. So who’s the home team? ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎Clippers‬

Tony Romo says the Dallas Cowboys season “is not over.” But “you just have very little room for error.” Is Romo aiming to be an advisor to Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign?

In Texas, education officials rejected a proposal to have university experts fact-check textbooks approved for use in public-school classrooms. So apparently not only ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, in Texas you can’t educate students out of stupid either. ‪#‎factshavealiberalbias‬

 

So this weekend in college football features great match-ups like Ohio State-Michigan State, Cal-Stanford and Baylor-Oklahoma State. And then Alabama-Charleston Southern and Florida-Florida Atlantic? ‪#‎SECwimps‬

The 2-7 Tennessee Titans vs the 3-6 Jacksonville Jaguars on Thursday Night Football. And if you cared and don’t live in Nashville or Florida, you might be spending too much time on fantasy football.

So Tennessee-Jacksonville, and then in college football East Carolina vs 0-10 UCF. Wait a minute, I thought the Thanksgiving turkeys were NEXT Thursday.

Kylie Jenner said that if Kim Kardashian and Kanye West moved in with her “I would seriously stab myself’.”
Now, there’s an episode Americans would tune in to see.

A psychiatrist testifying for Jared Fogle said that the Subway diet led to his criminal behavior “Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality. There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

From T.C.    “Justin Bieber is trying to put his past behind him by apologizing and acting more polished. To start, he will only bomb his neighbors houses with “cage free” eggs.”

Reuters is reporting some contract workers at seven U.S. airports, who want better wages and to unionize, may go on strike next week. These aren’t airline employees, but employees of a company airlines subcontract with to save money. One worker says he cleans and checks plane interiors for suspicious objects at New York Kennedy for $10.10 an hour. What could POSSIBLY go wrong here?

United Airlines is offering 50,000 Mileage Plus miles if you purchase a Mercedes-Benz. Uh, if you can afford the Mercedes, guessing you don’t need no stinkin’ miles.

Donald Trump is the first GOP candidate to say he would be open to having a “Muslim database” in the US. Now a database of gun owners, that would be un-American. ‪#‎theonlythingwehavetofearisfearitself‬ ‪#‎feariswinning‬

Rudy Giuliani is now saying that “‘ISIS Is an Obama c reation.If we had not taken our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, ISIS never would have emerged.” Shocking. That’s the most words I can remember Giuliani stringing together without including 9-11.

ISIS has to be amused. All this effort they are expending in a war against their perceived enemies in Syria. It turns out all they needed to do was kill some Westerners and start dropping fake Syrian passports, and they could get many in the U.S. on their side.

 

 

 

Good news, bad news.

October 29, 2015

The good news, Fox didn’t lose power for game 2 of the World Series. Bad news, baseball fans had to listen to Joe Buck for the whole game.

Tough question Wednesday night for many Americans – what was more likely to drive them to drink  – listening to the GOP debate, or Joe Buck and company in the Fox World Series booth?

So A-Rod was in the Fox broadcast booth. Is Fox trying anything that will make Joe Buck sound good by comparison? ‪#‎WorldSeries‬

(my friend Renee says “A-Rod has a voice for newsprint.”)

The NFL has fined Steelers’ C William Gay $5,787 for wearing purple cleats in honor of his mother and other victims of domestic violence. Even though the league has had the pink theme for breast cancer all October.
So this is because the NFL really has nothing to do with domestic violence?
‪#‎sarcasm‬ ‪#‎heavysarcasm‬

Donald Trump said in a Sioux City speech “If I lose Iowa, I will never speak to you people again” ‪#‎promise‬?

Yesterday Kylie Jenner was voted one of Time Magazine’s 30 “Most Influential Teens.” ‪#‎beammeupScottytheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

The NY Jets signed punter Steve Weatherford last week when their regular punterr, Ryan Quigley, was sidelined due to an infection. Now that Quigley is better the Jets cut Weatherford after 4 days. Four days. That’s not a football contract it’s a Hollywood marriage.

A NORAD blump that surveys the East Coast got loose in Maryland was flying free over Pennsylvania. It has now been secured. Wonder which major airline will now institute a “blimp avoidance” fee?

Bills WR Sammy Watkins, angry with fans complaining about him being injured, took to Instagram to call them “losers,” and add “so continue working y’all little jobs for the rest of your lives….. go have a blessed day.”
Of course, “losers” with “little jobs” in Buffalo could save a lot of money staying home from Bills games.
‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

If you are reading this and didn’t know Wednesday was National Chocolate Day, you’ve just missed it. So double or nothing?

Chris Christie, saying he’s the best choice against Hillary Clinton: “You put me on the stage with her next September and she won’t get within 10 miles of the White House.” So does Christie have a friend with control of D.C. area bridges?

The four lowest-polling GOP Presidential candidates were on earlier  Wednesday in the pre-debate “happy hour” debate. So called because you need to be getting drunk to watch it?

Bobby Jindal tonight at the kid’s table debate said that the U.S. is “going the way of Europe.” Thinking after 6 years of Jindal a lot of folks in Louisiana think Europe sounds pretty good.

Good for you.

October 20, 2015

A new study indicates that instead of fighting cancer, antioxidants in food might actually help the cancer cells grow faster. So once again, maybe the rule is, eat what you want and wait for the studies to change in your favor.

So just wonder why ANYONE is pitching to Daniel Murphy about now? ‪#‎MetsvsCubs‬

Jim Webb will drop out of the Presidential race today. Thereby shocking millions of Americans who didn’t yet realize he was in it.

Meanwhile, over on the GOP side, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki, Rick Santorum. Bobby Jindal and former Jim Gilmore (who?)- are all polling at zero. So considering the margin of error is about 3% they could all be in negative numbers.

Khloe Kardashian spoke out about Lamar Odom’s hospitalization today, saying the past week has been “incredibly difficult.” “I feel so sorry for her,” said nobody.

There are rumors that Pete Carroll may leave Seattle and become coach-gm for an NFL team moving to Los Angeles. So Pete misses coaching a Southern California professional team like USC?

Now Starbucks has a new “Beast Mode frappuccino,” in honor of Marshawn Lynch. So do you have have to order it without saying a word?

Yesterday a Liberal Prime Minister was elected in Canada. Today the Blue Jays lost 14-2. Waiting for Canadian Conservatives to take a page from their U.S. counterparts and blame Trudeau.

The French luxury brand Chanel has bought Napa’s St. Supery Estate Vineyards and Winery . The current owner, who started St. Supery in the late 80s, said Channel will “continue (his) vision.” That and slap a label with C’s on it and charge triple the the price.

Apparently Stanford tailback Christian McCaffrey is now in the Heisman Trophy conversation after gaining 369 all-purpose yards, tops in the FBS this season, against UCLA. If this keeps up McCaffrey may get a trip to New York to watch LSU’s Leonard Fournette accept the award.

While Oscar Munoz recovers from a heart attack, United Airlines, which has been trying to improve their image, has named Brett Hart, the airline’s executive V.P and general counsel, as acting CEO. Two of Hart’s responsibilities have been United’s “contact centers” and “food services.” Oh, well, he should be just wonderful then…..

Political consultant Mike Murphy, who leads a pro-Jeb Bush super PAC, dismissed Donald Trump by saying “I don’t think you can be a front-runner if you’re totally unelectable.” So is that what happened to Jeb?

About a week after RB Derrick Coleman was arrested for DUI, Seattle RB crashed his car today near the team facility. amidst allegations of drag-racing.The Seahawks may have blown the 2015 Super Bowl by going to the air, but these days doesn’t seem like they are that good on the ground either.

Paul Ryan says he would be willing to serve as Speaker of the House if Republicans will unite. And then presumably the GOP will change their symbol from an elephant to a flying pig?

Beside demanding unity, Paul Ryan wants to make sure that leading the House GOP will still allow him to spend time for his wife and three children: “I cannot and will not give up my family time.” And of course if Ryan becomes speaker one of his top priorities will be a Family Leave Act…. ‪#‎yeahright‬ ‪#‎familyvalueswhenitsmyfamily‬

Texas officials announced this week that they will end Medicaid funding for Planned Parenthood clinics, using the excuse that there are allegations that the women’s health organization is profiting from the sale of “aborted baby parts.” Well, at least they will use all the saved money to increase funding for poor mothers and children. Oh, wait, never mind.

Just wonder how many GOP heads would explode in ‪#‎Texas‬ if pregnant women started bringing guns into hospitals and demanding abortions?

Catch of the year?

October 16, 2015

Yeah, so Francis Owusu made an incredible touchdown catch for Stanford. But he may never again be able to order pizza in Indiana.

francis-owusu-catch

Although if you haven’t seen the video  – https://vine.co/v/eE0xe6eY2pu   Francis Owuso and Stanford also managed with an after midnight eastern time play  to pull off #1 in ESPN’s top plays, beating out time zones AND East coast bias.

How cool is it for SF Bay Area sports fans?   #BeatLA twice in one night.

So if ‪#‎Utley‬ retires in the offseason do they suspend him for his first two old-timers games?

Donald Trump is threatening to skip the next debate. The horror. The remaining candidates might actually have to talk about issues.
Khloe Kardashian is calling the owner of the brothel where Lamar Odom collapsed a “publicity pimp.” This in between numerous calling out of kettles for being black.
Your heartwarming story for the day. Kim Kardashian is so upset at her ex-brother-in-law Lamar Odom’s condition that she has CANCELED HER BABY SHOWER FOR THIS WEEKEND. ‪#‎familyvalues‬
Oscar Pistorius will be released to house arrest next week, about 2 1/2 years after he fatally shot his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day 2013. Amazing. If he were an NFL star Pistorius would have received at least a 6 game suspension.
Eagles coach Chip Kelly said today he is not a candidate for the head coaching jobs at USC and Texas. Well, makes sense, he’s got a perfectly good job coaching an amateur team now.
Donald Trump’s son Eric talking about his dad’s presidential campaign, says his dad “does not lose.” Of course not, Trump will use the Vietnam method: Declare victory and pull out.
As of August 1, 2016, college students in Texas will be allowed to have guns in their dorm rooms. Guess it makes some sense, if you make it almost impossible to have an abortion in the state, got to find ways to cull the herd somehow.
Not a fan of showboating, and the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ don’t play that way. But interesting tweet about Bautista’s home run and bat flip: “@MikeAndMike in the playoffs and a late inning go ahead HR, there is nothing wrong with what @JoeyBats19 did. Regular season it’s a nae nae.”
The tweeter, Joe Carter.
The Seattle Seahawks suspended FB Derrick Coleman indefinitely pending charges of vehicular assault and hit and run. According to ESPN, Coleman has played on 20% of the team’s offensive snaps this year and has also played on special teams. Of course, I am sure the team would have also suspended him as quickly if he were a star. ‪#‎sarcasm‬


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