Posted tagged ‘Kardashian jokes’
May 6, 2016
Happy Kentucky Derby Eve, or Derby Day, depending when you read this: The Kentucky Derby is 142 years old. But it might be the perfect sporting event for our time – to give it their full attention, the race only requires people to put down their phones for 2 minutes.
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The Kardashians flew down to Cuba to film an episode of their reality show. If Raoul Castro really wants to improve relations with the U.S. maybe Cuba can keep them?
Tim Lincecum pitched off the mound today. Timmy has 2 important qualities #SFGiants are now looking for in a 4th or 5th starter – Alive & Breathing
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In St. Cloud, Florida, a 25 year-old man allegedly fatally shot his brother in an argument over a cheeseburger. Will he say he was just standing his ground beef?
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Jeb Bush has joined Lindsay Graham in saying he will not vote for Donald Trump nor Hillary Clinton. Well, this should make a difference to both of Jeb’s former supporters.
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A Reuters/Ipsos poll says ” Nearly half” of U.S voters plan to vote for Clinton or Trump in November mainly to keep the other side from winning. Only half?
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Email today asking if I have “Decided not to thank President Obama for fighting Citizens United?” because I haven’t signed some card yet. Why do I think that if I ignore the email President Obama will get over it?
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The LA Angels of Anaheim, below .500 and already struggling with injuries, have lost starter Garrett Richards for the season. Looking like only thing that could really save their season – moving to the NL West.
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Golfer Zac Blair was disqualified from the Wells Fargo Championship for using a bent putter. The putter had got bent when he hit himself in the head with it after missing an earlier putt. And apparently you can replace clubs but not when damage is done in anger. #andwethoughtthebalkrulewasweird
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GOP chairman Reince Priebus on Donald Trump’s Cinco de Mayo tweet. “He’s trying.” Yes, very.
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Sen. Lindsey Graham said today he will not vote for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. But he expects to be re-elected as someone who can make tough decisions facing our country?
London has elected Sadiq Khan as their first Muslim mayor. #IblameObama
Dick Cheney says he will support Trump’s candidacy. Makes sense, maybe Cheney hopes the Donald will choose him as a running mate and let the former VP run the country again
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And happy birthday to Willie Mays, still the Say Hey Kid at 85. (This picture taken at spring training when Willie was still a young 84.)
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cheney jokes, Florida jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Jeb jokes, Kardashian jokes, Kentucky Derby jokes, Obama jokes
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March 10, 2016
The Florida woman who was shot by her 4-year-old son apparently is still pro-gun, and her own mother dismisses the shooting as “an accident and nothing more.” Sounds like a good phrase for a tombstone.
Taco Bell has announced they are lowering some prices. Gosh, hope this doesn’t lead to their lowering the fine quality of their ingredients.
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In California, the legislature passed a bill to raise the smoking age to 21. And most college students are shrugging – “It’s only tobacco.”
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Regarding all this controversy over Kim Kardashian maybe being “slut-shamed” for her latest naked selfie: Look, I’m a feminist and think women should be proud of their bodies. But jeez, Kim, haven’t we seen enough of yours? #boring
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A rear admiral was fired after he admitted to investigators he spent nine hours in a ten day period aboard an assault ship looking at porn on a Defense Department computer. Nine hours out of ten days… and some are wondering, “Was he fired for not being man enough?”
(or stupid enough not to have a smart phone with an unlimited data plan.)
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A major brawl broke out and was caught on video on a Spirit Airlines flight today when two women started playing music from a boom box and refused to turn it down. While the women were detained by security at LAX no one was arrested.
Spirit Airlines did, however, reportedly charge other passengers on board an entertainment fee.
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Alas, a koala at the Griffith Park zoo in Los Angeles was apparently eaten by a local mountain lion. Clearly the koala should have been armed.
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In Kansas, GOP senators frustrated with the judicial system have passed a bill that would make “attempting to usurp the power” of the Legislature or the executive branch grounds for impeachment. So any judge who overturned legislation could be impeached. Forget spinning, James Madison is causing a tornado in his grave.
The Milwaukee Bucks’ O.J. Mayo broke his right ankle falling down stairs at home today and is done for the year. Making him luckier than Bucks’ season ticket holders.
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OSU’s Urban Meyer has endorsed John Kasich. Well, if Kasich gets on the ticket there go the GOP’s chances in Michigan.
Barack Obama’s approval ratings are back up to 50%, the highest in 3 years. Guess it’s beginning to dawn on Americans that one of these people they are watching debate is actually going to be our next president. #lookingbetterbycomparison
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Ben Carson is going to endorse Donald Trump. Does that mean Trump might be able to pick up both Carson’s supporters?
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Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are so united in their so-called hatred of government: so will they both sign a pledge saying if a natural disaster hits their states they won’t call in the evil feds?
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Gave up on the GOP debate even for comedy research purposes to watch the Spurs game. Another reason to like San Antonio, they have so many “immigrant” players, they’d probably annoy the hell out of Trump.
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Trump says he will put Ben Carson in charge of education. Uh, except that during this campaign the Dr. has if anything made people wonder how low the standards have gotten for medical school?
Is this year’s #AmericanIdol final season format designed to make sure we really don’t miss the show when it’s gone?
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Trudeau-Obama press conference today in Washington. Two politicians together at lecterns who aren’t screaming at each other… Well, where’s the fun in that?
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Now that Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau has visited the White House waiting for Trump to tell his supporters “Big deal, when I am in charge we’ll make Canada’s President show up.”
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As a final change today from the debate circus tents: “In a rapidly pivoting world, it becomes easy to become fearful. It becomes easy to turn in on ourselves. And we know from history that it’s much more important to turn outwards, and to draw out the best in each other. And to understand that whenever people get together, regardless of how different they may seem, there are always more things we have in common than that differentiate us.”
Justin Trudeau, today in D.C. Once again, #canweborrowhim?
Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: gun jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, primary jokes, spirit jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
March 8, 2016
Pittsburgh’s DeAngelo Williams called out Peyton Manning as a “hall of fame QB who couldn’t play dead in a western last year.” Yeah, well that’s just piling on after the Steelers eliminated the Broncos from the playoffs last year. Oh wait, never mind.
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The Supreme Court today UNANIMOUSLY today reversed an Alabama court’s refusal to recognize a same-sex adoption. Yes, even Thomas and Alito agreed. Maybe we are creeping into the 21st century after all..
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Erin Andrews won $55 million in her lawsuit over being videotaped nude in her hotel room. And the Kardashians are thinking “We’d have allowed it for half that.”
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Bette Middler might have won the internet today: “Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”
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Atlanta Falcons assistant coach Marquand Manuel has apologized for asking OSU cornerback Eli Apple if he was gay. So is he sorry for the question, or sorry that it leaked out?
A United Airlines flight from Houston to Munich had to return to Intercontinental Airport with smoke billowing from one engine after they hit a bird during takeoff. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.
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Maria Sharapova apparently failed a drug test at the Australian Open. The substance is one she has been taking for years, but was on a list of drugs that were banned starting January 1. Sharapova acknowledged getting the email but said she didn’t read it….
Creative excuses isn’t one area we really wanted women athletes to start equaling men.
(And okay, if it’s a lie it’s a stupid one, if she didn’t read the list and didn’t have someone on her staff read it well, well, that’s more stupid.)
Six UC Santa Cruz fraternity and sorority members were arrested and charged with being part of an organized Ecstasy drug ring. Well, that’s one way to deal with high tuition costs.
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Some talk now about how much a loss in the Florida Primary would hurt Marco Rubio. Well, not as much as his own campaigning has hurt him.
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32 pts in 1st half for #Spurs tonight in Indiana against the #Pacers. That Sunday #Lakers game might have not been the best for San Antonio’s usual inspiration from watching the Golden State #Warriors.
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Michael Bloomberg says he will not run for President. Has he finally figured out that the seat for the egotistical New York billionaire in the clown car is full?
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Meanwhile in South Florida, the Sun-Sentinel says there is no good candidate in the GOP primary and will not endorse. This includes the man they endorsed when he ran for Senate “Because Rubio has failed to do his job as a senator, broken the promises he made to Floridians and backed away from his lone signature piece of legislation on immigration, we cannot endorse him for president.”
Not even to get him out of Florida?
Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bloomberg jokes, Erin Andrews jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Rubio jokes, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
November 19, 2015
The Golden State Warriors look so good right now, starting to think the only thing that could derail the team is a player dating a Kardashian.
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Staples Center sounds like Petco Park when the #SFGiants visit. So who’s the home team? #Warriors #Clippers
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Tony Romo says the Dallas Cowboys season “is not over.” But “you just have very little room for error.” Is Romo aiming to be an advisor to Jeb Bush’s presidential campaign?
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In Texas, education officials rejected a proposal to have university experts fact-check textbooks approved for use in public-school classrooms. So apparently not only #cantfixstupid, in Texas you can’t educate students out of stupid either. #factshavealiberalbias
So this weekend in college football features great match-ups like Ohio State-Michigan State, Cal-Stanford and Baylor-Oklahoma State. And then Alabama-Charleston Southern and Florida-Florida Atlantic? #SECwimps
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The 2-7 Tennessee Titans vs the 3-6 Jacksonville Jaguars on Thursday Night Football. And if you cared and don’t live in Nashville or Florida, you might be spending too much time on fantasy football.
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So Tennessee-Jacksonville, and then in college football East Carolina vs 0-10 UCF. Wait a minute, I thought the Thanksgiving turkeys were NEXT Thursday.
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Kylie Jenner said that if Kim Kardashian and Kanye West moved in with her “I would seriously stab myself’.”
Now, there’s an episode Americans would tune in to see.
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A psychiatrist testifying for Jared Fogle said that the Subway diet led to his criminal behavior “Once he lost weight, it seemed as though in a short time he had hyper-sexuality. There are brain disorders that can be associated with sexual drive.”
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
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From T.C. “Justin Bieber is trying to put his past behind him by apologizing and acting more polished. To start, he will only bomb his neighbors houses with “cage free” eggs.”
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Reuters is reporting some contract workers at seven U.S. airports, who want better wages and to unionize, may go on strike next week. These aren’t airline employees, but employees of a company airlines subcontract with to save money. One worker says he cleans and checks plane interiors for suspicious objects at New York Kennedy for $10.10 an hour. What could POSSIBLY go wrong here?
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United Airlines is offering 50,000 Mileage Plus miles if you purchase a Mercedes-Benz. Uh, if you can afford the Mercedes, guessing you don’t need no stinkin’ miles.
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Donald Trump is the first GOP candidate to say he would be open to having a “Muslim database” in the US. Now a database of gun owners, that would be un-American. #theonlythingwehavetofearisfearitself #feariswinning
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Rudy Giuliani is now saying that “‘ISIS Is an Obama c reation.If we had not taken our troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, ISIS never would have emerged.” Shocking. That’s the most words I can remember Giuliani stringing together without including 9-11.
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ISIS has to be amused. All this effort they are expending in a war against their perceived enemies in Syria. It turns out all they needed to do was kill some Westerners and start dropping fake Syrian passports, and they could get many in the U.S. on their side.
Categories: airline jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ISIS jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
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October 29, 2015
The good news, Fox didn’t lose power for game 2 of the World Series. Bad news, baseball fans had to listen to Joe Buck for the whole game.
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Tough question Wednesday night for many Americans – what was more likely to drive them to drink – listening to the GOP debate, or Joe Buck and company in the Fox World Series booth?
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So A-Rod was in the Fox broadcast booth. Is Fox trying anything that will make Joe Buck sound good by comparison? #WorldSeries
(my friend Renee says “A-Rod has a voice for newsprint.”)
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The NFL has fined Steelers’ C William Gay $5,787 for wearing purple cleats in honor of his mother and other victims of domestic violence. Even though the league has had the pink theme for breast cancer all October.
So this is because the NFL really has nothing to do with domestic violence?
#sarcasm #heavysarcasm
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Donald Trump said in a Sioux City speech “If I lose Iowa, I will never speak to you people again” #promise?
Yesterday Kylie Jenner was voted one of Time Magazine’s 30 “Most Influential Teens.” #beammeupScottytheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet
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The NY Jets signed punter Steve Weatherford last week when their regular punterr, Ryan Quigley, was sidelined due to an infection. Now that Quigley is better the Jets cut Weatherford after 4 days. Four days. That’s not a football contract it’s a Hollywood marriage.
A NORAD blump that surveys the East Coast got loose in Maryland was flying free over Pennsylvania. It has now been secured. Wonder which major airline will now institute a “blimp avoidance” fee?
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Bills WR Sammy Watkins, angry with fans complaining about him being injured, took to Instagram to call them “losers,” and add “so continue working y’all little jobs for the rest of your lives….. go have a blessed day.”
Of course, “losers” with “little jobs” in Buffalo could save a lot of money staying home from Bills games.
#Cantfixstupid
If you are reading this and didn’t know Wednesday was National Chocolate Day, you’ve just missed it. So double or nothing?
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Chris Christie, saying he’s the best choice against Hillary Clinton: “You put me on the stage with her next September and she won’t get within 10 miles of the White House.” So does Christie have a friend with control of D.C. area bridges?
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The four lowest-polling GOP Presidential candidates were on earlier Wednesday in the pre-debate “happy hour” debate. So called because you need to be getting drunk to watch it?
Bobby Jindal tonight at the kid’s table debate said that the U.S. is “going the way of Europe.” Thinking after 6 years of Jindal a lot of folks in Louisiana think Europe sounds pretty good.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Joe Buck jokes, Kardashian jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes, World Series jokes
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October 20, 2015
A new study indicates that instead of fighting cancer, antioxidants in food might actually help the cancer cells grow faster. So once again, maybe the rule is, eat what you want and wait for the studies to change in your favor.
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So just wonder why ANYONE is pitching to Daniel Murphy about now? #MetsvsCubs
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Jim Webb will drop out of the Presidential race today. Thereby shocking millions of Americans who didn’t yet realize he was in it.
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Meanwhile, over on the GOP side, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki, Rick Santorum. Bobby Jindal and former Jim Gilmore (who?)- are all polling at zero. So considering the margin of error is about 3% they could all be in negative numbers.
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Khloe Kardashian spoke out about Lamar Odom’s hospitalization today, saying the past week has been “incredibly difficult.” “I feel so sorry for her,” said nobody.
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There are rumors that Pete Carroll may leave Seattle and become coach-gm for an NFL team moving to Los Angeles. So Pete misses coaching a Southern California professional team like USC?
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Now Starbucks has a new “Beast Mode frappuccino,” in honor of Marshawn Lynch. So do you have have to order it without saying a word?
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Yesterday a Liberal Prime Minister was elected in Canada. Today the Blue Jays lost 14-2. Waiting for Canadian Conservatives to take a page from their U.S. counterparts and blame Trudeau.
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The French luxury brand Chanel has bought Napa’s St. Supery Estate Vineyards and Winery . The current owner, who started St. Supery in the late 80s, said Channel will “continue (his) vision.” That and slap a label with C’s on it and charge triple the the price.
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Apparently Stanford tailback Christian McCaffrey is now in the Heisman Trophy conversation after gaining 369 all-purpose yards, tops in the FBS this season, against UCLA. If this keeps up McCaffrey may get a trip to New York to watch LSU’s Leonard Fournette accept the award.
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While Oscar Munoz recovers from a heart attack, United Airlines, which has been trying to improve their image, has named Brett Hart, the airline’s executive V.P and general counsel, as acting CEO. Two of Hart’s responsibilities have been United’s “contact centers” and “food services.” Oh, well, he should be just wonderful then…..
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Political consultant Mike Murphy, who leads a pro-Jeb Bush super PAC, dismissed Donald Trump by saying “I don’t think you can be a front-runner if you’re totally unelectable.” So is that what happened to Jeb?
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About a week after RB Derrick Coleman was arrested for DUI, Seattle RB crashed his car today near the team facility. amidst allegations of drag-racing.The Seahawks may have blown the 2015 Super Bowl by going to the air, but these days doesn’t seem like they are that good on the ground either.
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Paul Ryan says he would be willing to serve as Speaker of the House if Republicans will unite. And then presumably the GOP will change their symbol from an elephant to a flying pig?
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Beside demanding unity, Paul Ryan wants to make sure that leading the House GOP will still allow him to spend time for his wife and three children: “I cannot and will not give up my family time.” And of course if Ryan becomes speaker one of his top priorities will be a Family Leave Act…. #yeahright #familyvalueswhenitsmyfamily
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Texas officials announced this week that they will end Medicaid funding for Planned Parenthood clinics, using the excuse that there are allegations that the women’s health organization is profiting from the sale of “aborted baby parts.” Well, at least they will use all the saved money to increase funding for poor mothers and children. Oh, wait, never mind.
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Just wonder how many GOP heads would explode in #Texas if pregnant women started bringing guns into hospitals and demanding abortions?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: 2016 Presidential race jokes, Daniel Murphy jokes, Kardashian jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, USC jokes, Webb jokes
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October 16, 2015
Yeah, so Francis Owusu made an incredible touchdown catch for Stanford. But he may never again be able to order pizza in Indiana.
Although if you haven’t seen the video – https://vine.co/v/eE0xe6eY2pu Francis Owuso and Stanford also managed with an after midnight eastern time play to pull off #1 in ESPN’s top plays, beating out time zones AND East coast bias.
How cool is it for SF Bay Area sports fans? #BeatLA twice in one night.
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So if #Utley retires in the offseason do they suspend him for his first two old-timers games?
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Donald Trump is threatening to skip the next debate. The horror. The remaining candidates might actually have to talk about issues.
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Khloe Kardashian is calling the owner of the brothel where Lamar Odom collapsed a “publicity pimp.” This in between numerous calling out of kettles for being black.
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Your heartwarming story for the day. Kim Kardashian is so upset at her ex-brother-in-law Lamar Odom’s condition that she has CANCELED HER BABY SHOWER FOR THIS WEEKEND.
#familyvalues–
Oscar Pistorius will be released to house arrest next week, about 2 1/2 years after he fatally shot his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day 2013. Amazing. If he were an NFL star Pistorius would have received at least a 6 game suspension.
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Eagles coach Chip Kelly said today he is not a candidate for the head coaching jobs at USC and Texas. Well, makes sense, he’s got a perfectly good job coaching an amateur team now.
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Donald Trump’s son Eric talking about his dad’s presidential campaign, says his dad “does not lose.” Of course not, Trump will use the Vietnam method: Declare victory and pull out.
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As of August 1, 2016, college students in Texas will be allowed to have guns in their dorm rooms. Guess it makes some sense, if you make it almost impossible to have an abortion in the state, got to find ways to cull the herd somehow.
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Not a fan of showboating, and the
#SFGiants don’t play that way. But interesting tweet about Bautista’s home run and bat flip: “@MikeAndMike in the playoffs and a late inning go ahead HR, there is nothing wrong with what @JoeyBats19 did. Regular season it’s a nae nae.”
The tweeter, Joe Carter.
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The Seattle Seahawks suspended FB Derrick Coleman indefinitely pending charges of vehicular assault and hit and run. According to ESPN, Coleman has played on 20% of the team’s offensive snaps this year and has also played on special teams. Of course, I am sure the team would have also suspended him as quickly if he were a star.
#sarcasm–
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #beatla, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, owusu jokes, Stanford jokes, UCLA jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
August 30, 2015
Caitlyn Jenner is interested in dating a man to help her feel like a “normal woman.” Have news for her, in the Kardashian-Jenner clan, there are no normal women.
So will all those in the GOP trying to defund Planned Parenthood also sign a waiver that in case of illness they refuse to be treated with any vaccines or medicines that have come about as a result of fetal tissue research?
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Josh Duggar will now apparently spend six months in a Christian rehab treatment program. Because that worked so well when he was a teenager?
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“Butt dial” has been added to the OED. Some of us are old enough to remember that phrase might just have been an awkward synonym for “booty call.”
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Chris Christie today said we can curb illegal immigration by tracking anyone who enters the country from the time they receive their visa, like a FedEx package.
Spoken like someone who’s never tried to track a lost FedEx package.
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In Chatham, NJ, Jets center Nick Mangold quickly called 911 when he Iheard his car alarm and saw his garage door open. Police were able to get there in time to apprehend suspects thought to be responsible for almost 50 burglaries.
Posting this mostly because it’s nice to see an NFL player featured on the “good” side of an arrest story.
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Sarah Palin and Donald Trump had a love fest interview. Makes sense. Each of them probably thinks the other makes them look a little less crazy.
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A California couple got married in Oregon and had a smoke tent at their wedding, where a “budtender” offered guests a choice of 13 kinds of marijuana. Wonder if the wedding cake was topped with Doritos?
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Rowan County Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis has been refusing to issuing marriage licenses to gay couples and says she objects to same-sex marriage for religious reasons. Now she wants the U.S. Supreme Court to grant her “asylum for her conscience.”
So, okay, if she’s that religious about marriage presume Ms. Clark also refuses licenses to couples sharing the same address (living in sin), those who have been married before, and those won’t swear an oath attesting to virginity?
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The Raiders waived safety Jonathan Dowling today, for what they say were “maturity issues.’ Over-under on how long until Dowling gets offered a contract by the Redskins?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #Caitlyn Jenner jokes, Duggars jokes, gay marriage jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, marijuana jokes, Planned Parenthood jokes, Redskins jokes, Trump jokes
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July 17, 2015
On Thursday, Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison, a medium-security facility in Oklahoma. Probably a better idea than one in Illinois, where the President would have been too likely to run into former political colleagues.
Senator John McCain said of Donald Trump’s anti-immigration rally in Arizona – he “fired up the crazies.” Well, and if anyone knows crazy, it’s the man who wanted to give us Vice President Sarah Palin.
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Donald Trump’s polling numbers are so good that the GOP may start to take him seriously. In fact, in hopes of giving him some idea of what it actually might like to be President many Republicans want to send Trump on a weekend hunting trip with Dick Cheney.
Florida State says they will require student-athletes to be required to take a course in social responsibilities, one that “would give them some additional background in consequences of actions.” And I’m sure Seminoles’ football players will give the course the same high standard of attention they give to all their classes.
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Dodgers Nationals were in a game delay due to a bank of lights going out at Nationals Park. Maybe teams should call Congress – they have plenty of experience working in the dark.
And then the Dodgers Nationals game was suspended in the sixth inning tonight after a third power outage. And Mets fans are thinking, haven’t we been in a power outage since the April?
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For #TBT, Kim Kardashian decided to repost a 2010 magazine picture of herself nude in a pool of silver paint. It’s going to be so much fun when North West his puberty. #youregoingoutlookinglikethat? #karmaisameanbitch
J.J. Watt, in an interview cautioning high school athletes, “Read each tweet about 95 times before sending it Look at every Instagram post about 95 times before you send it. A reputation takes years and years and years to build, and it takes one press of a button to ruin. So don’t let that happen to you. Just be very smart about it.”
All good advice, assuming these athletes can count to 95.
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Australian tennis player Bernard Tomic, 22, was arrested at the W Hotel in Miami Beach, after there were multiple complaints about a raucous party in his penthouse suite, and he ignored police requests to turn down the music. Uh, just how loud do you have to be to be too loud for South Beach?
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A police raid Friday at a home of an Orlando city commissioner has apparently found both drugs and guns. Your move, Louisiana.
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A rain delay means that Tiger Woods did not complete his second round Friday and will have to finish up Saturday morning. So even God decided He/She really wanted to see Tiger play on the weekend?
From Bill Littlejohn, “In 1930, Clayton Kershaw’s great-uncle, Clyde Tombaugh, discovered Pluto. Fitting, because that’s where Kershaw’s curveball disappears to in the post-season.”
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While the vast majority of American Muslims are good law-abiding citizens, some people are calling for increased surveillance and profiling of Muslims because individuals have committed horrific crimes. So if the object is to prevent crimes, then presumably those same people should be calling for increased surveillance and profiling of gun owners…?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes
Tags: Dodgers jokes, Donald Trump jokes, Florida State jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, McCain jokes, Obama jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 20, 2015
A video is going viral of a squirrel running around Citizens Bank Park and entering the Phillies dugout, causing players to scramble. Well, makes sense. The squirrel was more frightening than anyone in the Philadelphia lineup.
http://atmlb.com/1K2KtZe
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A German man has posted a video after a breakup showing him sawing all their communal property in half with a power saw, including a teddy bear and a pickup truck. Wonder how many calls he’s gotten to option his story for a country song?
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It may be the only time I ever say this. But, well played, Mitt.
“Take down the #ConfederateFlag at the SC Capitol. To many, it is a symbol of racial hatred. Remove it now to honor #Charleston victims.”
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The bride whose Waldorf Astoria wedding reception was cancelled after one of her guests accidentally shot off his gun, injuring four people, is now suing the hotel “for millions.” Her attorney told the New York Post: ‘We are planning to sue the Waldorf for the costs of the wedding and the emotional harm suffered by the bride and groom, whose dream wedding was destroyed for no reason whatsoever by Waldorf personnel.”
And some wonder why Shakespeare wrote “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”
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And then in contrast to Mitt Romney on the Confederate flag issue, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz said the last thing the people of South Carolina need is “people from outside of the state coming in and dictating how they should resolve it.” Right, but Cruz has no problem telling other states what to do about gay marriage….
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Apparently hundreds of NPR listeners were outraged and threatened to stop donating when the network had Kim Kardashian on the quiz show “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me..” Amazing. That so many NPR listeners would admit to knowing who Kim Kardashian is.
Max Scherzer throws a no-hitter and misses a perfect game with 2 outs in the bottom of the ninth because Jose Tabata leaned into a pitch. Maybe the Nationals need to sign Bob Gibson or Pedro Martinez to a one-game contract tomorrow to give Tabata a little baseball education.
Justin Maxwell was only in the #Giants #Dodgers game because #Aoki left after being hit by a pitch in 1st. And he hit a 2 run home run. Karma is now wearing a particularly bitchy grin.
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In Texas, a volunteer firefighter was fired after apparently posting on Facebook that the Charleston terrorist “needs to be praised for the good deed he has done” Leaving aside the awfulness of the comment, just how stupid do you have to be to be that racist right now in public?
Paul Pierce, 37, apparently is going to play again in the NBA, either returning to the Wizards or signing with the Clippers. Does Pierce think he’s too young to play for the Spurs?
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The Orlando Sentinel is reporting that a local man is recovering from “non-life threatening” injuries after accidentally shooting himself…..during a gun safety class. #cantfixstupid
Jason Day, who has been suffering from vertigo, and who collapsed at the end of Friday’s round, shot a 68 Saturday and is in a four-way tie for the lead after the third round of the U.S. Open. Right about now Tiger Woods is thinking, how do you catch vertigo?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jose Tabata jokes, Kardashian jokes, lawyer jokes, Phillies jokes, Ted Cruz jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 13, 2015
” Jurassic World’ apparently had the third-largest movie opening day of all time. When movie-goers were asked afterwards what they thought of the plot, almost all of them responded – “Plot?”
The College World Series started today. What a shame that the Philadelphia Phillies just missed qualifying.
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Bristol Palin has posted a harsh criticism of Miley Cyrus’s post about intolerance. Thereby assuring that millions of people might actually READ Cyrus’s post about intolerance.
(my friend Alex wonders who read the post to Bristol.)
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Country singer Randy Howard, 65, was killed this weekend in a gunfight with bounty hunter. What a shame, had Howard lived the incident would have been great material for a country song.
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At Boise Airport, passengers on an Allegiant Air flight smelled fuel and saw vapor that they thought was smoke so they popped the emergency doors and evacuated. (It was a small fuel leak and the plane was in no danger.) But doesn’t it make you feel all warm and fuzzy that passengers have the ability to open emergency doors?
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Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe “may” have “accidentally” posted a Snapchat of herself and a man in bed, therefore revealing the winner of the show about six weeks ahead of schedule. Give the woman credit, with her name, talent for publicity and headlines, Kaitlyn could be an honorary Kardashian.
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Pablo Sandoval left today’s Red Sox loss to the Blue Jays with tightness in his quad. His status is listed as “day-to-day-and-keep-that-man-out-of-the-North-End.”
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Still seems a bit odd when you hear about #NBA team going to a small lineup and they’re still all over about 6’6″. #NBAFinals #Warriors #Cavs
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In Texas, some residents are upset because a History network series “Texas Rising” isn’t completely historically accurate. Wonder how many of these people also want schools to teach creationism.
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The U.S. Justice Department is investigating possible bribes and corruption in Nike’s 1996 deal to sponsor soccer in Brazil. Right. Not like Nike would ever dare do anything wrong at home in the good old U S of A.
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Monica Lewis, the voice of Chiquita Banana, has died at 93. And if you don’t have that stupid jingle running through your head now you’re not a baby boomer….
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Taco Bell will be opening a new location in SF that will serve beer and wine. Makes some sense, enough beer and/or wine, and customers won’t notice the food.
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From Bill Littlejohn, after a skunk’s nest being found in the Cardinals dugout at Dodger Stadium: “Did St. Louis manager Mike Matheny say he needed a spray hitter?”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Jurassic world jokes, Kardashian jokes, NBA finals jokes, taco bell jokes, Texas jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
June 1, 2015
Donald Trump, who is expected to formally announce later this month that he is running for President, told an interviewer “I have an absolute way of defeating ISIS, and it would be decisive and quick and it would be very beautiful. Very surgical.”
When asked what it was, the Donald replied. “If I tell you right now, everyone else is going to say: “Wow, what a great idea.” You’re going to have 10 candidates going to use it and they’re going to forget where it came from. Which is me.”
So if Trump doesn’t get elected he’s not going to tell the world ever as punishment for regretting him?
Bruce Jenner has announced that as a woman she will be known as Caitlyn, and appeared on the cover of Vanity Fair with gorgeous auburn tresses. Well, fortunately there’s enough money in the family Caitlyn will never need to have a bad hair day.
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Have to root for #CaitlynJenner if for no other reason than she appears to be knocking Kim Kardashian’s latest pregnancy out of the headlines.
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The Surpreme Court rules in favor of a young Muslim woman who sued Abercrombie and Fitch when they didn’t hire her because she said she had to wear a head scarf. Good for the Court. But have to wonder, if you are religious enough to wear a hijab, why would you want to work at Abercrombie and Fitch?
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An American woman was killed at a South African Safari Park when she and her husband ignored signs and written instructions NOT to drive through with their car windows open, and she was bitten by a lion. An Australian man survived a lion bite in March when he too drove through with a window open.
Perhaps the Safari Park needs to change their strategy. Instead of warnings, just post “Visitors who drive through with open windows will reduce our lion food bill.” #cantfixstupid
CNN points out that Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected President since 1886. And that Grover Cleveland was accused of having a “love child.” Actually might help Graham to have rumors of an illegitimate kid.
KFC is suing some Chinese companies and demanding an apology over a social media campaign against KFC food, including a rumor that their chickens are genetically modified to have six wings and eight legs. But really, who would believe that KFC uses actual chicken?
After TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs in 67 out of 70 test cases, the acting head of the agency was reassigned. Homeland Security officials said in a statement – “The numbers in these reports never look good out of context.” Uh, is there a context in which a 95% failure rate looks good?
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Buster Posey was called out on a play at #AT&TPark where a Pirates fan was ruled to have interfered with a PITTSBURGH rightfielder’s attempt to catch a ball that might or might not have been catchable. Hmm… interesting potential strategy for #SFGiants fans on the road.
An optimistic note from Bill Littlejohn “Husband and wife Tony and Janet Blundy recently made back-to-back holes in one, a feat estimated at odds of 50,000,000-to-one. So, you see—there’s still hope for Tim Tebow.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: #Caitlyn Jenner jokes, #cantfixstupid, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, KFC jokes, Lindsey Graham jokes, Trump jokes, TSA jokes
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May 31, 2015
When I asked for a Coke Zero on a plane today, a United flight attendant gave me the entire can, unopened. So are soda cans off the weapons list?
Or is Coke Zero safer than Diet Coke?
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In Takhatpur, India, villagers had a wedding ceremony between two frogs. They are in the midst of a drought and frog marriages are supposed to invoke the rain gods. Could be very disappointing for one frog if a kiss turns one of them into a prince or princess.
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Now, if this frog marriage stuff works it opens up all kinds of possibilities for California. But can we have same-sex frog marriages?
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A recycling center in California is looking for a woman who dropped off a vintage Apple Computer. They sold it for $200,000 and want to give her half. Hmm, wonder what I could get for my Blackberry.
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At a Four Seasons in Texas, Johnny Manziel got frustrated with a fan and threw a water bottle at him. Fortunately the situation didn’t escalate any further, as no doubt Manziel’s throw missed the guy by a foot.
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John Kerry, 71, broke his leg in a bike accident in the French Alps. Not sure if the Secretary of State still thinks he’s young enough to be President, but he clearly thinks he’s still young enough to be riding a fancy racing bike..
Apparently Kim Kardashian is pregnant again. And she’s said “It is an adjustment trying to balance a career and motherhood for sure, but the key is to prioritize.” Kim Kardashian has a career?
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Darwin nominee for the week. In Maryland, a man was fatally burned after he lit a cigarette while trying to pump his own gas at a service station. So is this a potential new marketing strategy for electric cars? “We don’t just save the environment.” #cantfixstupid
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The Washington Nationals put Stephen Strasburg on the DL with neck stiffness. Wonder if Strasburg, who had an 2015 ERA of 6.55, strained it by all that turning around to see balls hit off him this season.
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Guess war doesn’t count? Jeb Bush today suggested the budget deficit during his brother’s administration was because W. “let the Republican Congress get a little out of control, in terms of the spending.” But hey, okay, is Jeb suggesting we elect him along with a Democratic House and Senate?
From T.C. Country star Garth Brooks had to cancel his three shows in Tampa in order to accomodate the NHL Lightning’s Stanley Cup home games. See, this is what happens when you only have friends in low places.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, Darwin jokes, drought jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Manziel jokes, United jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
May 6, 2015
The NFL Wells report has found that it is “probable” that Patriots personnel deliberately deflated balls against the Colts, and that quarterback Tom Brady was “generally aware” of what was happening. So how long until Roger Goddell penalizes the Saints?
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Patriots owner Bob Kraft in January, proclaiming his team’s innocence. “Tom, Bill and I have been together for 15 years. They are my guys. They are part of my family, and Bill, Tom and I have had many difficult discussions over the years, and I have never known them to lie to me.”
Right, because family members NEVER lie to you. Paging Hillary Clinton
Patriots owner Robert Kraft condemned the Wells report on “Deflate-gate” saying the incriminatory findings were ‘incomprehensible’ and based on ‘circumstantial evidence’ rather than science. Uh, apparently no one has explained to Kraft about this texting thing?
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Texas state Rep. David Simpson, a Republican, has proposed a bill to legalize marijuana in the state, and it was approved by a House committee. But this line from his March op-ed is the best – “I don’t believe that when God made marijuana he made a mistake that government needs to fix,” but it should be “regulated like tomatoes, jalapenos or coffee.” Jalapenos? #GodBlessTexas
In Crane County,, Texas, apparently 20 students, out of only 300 at the high school, have chlamydia. The school’s only sex-program is “”Worth the Wait’ Abstinence Plus.” And the district superintendent, Jim Rumage says “If kids are not having any sexual activity, they can’t get this disease.” Is it too early for nominations for the 2015 “Captain Obvious” award? #cantfixstupid #cantstophormoneseither
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Cowboys’ draftee Randy Gregory, who admitted regular marijuana smoking in college, and failed a drug test at the NFL combine, said on Dallas radio “I don’t think it’s a weed problem. I think it’s decision making. I think I’m immature.”
Of course, if he were REALLY immature, he wouldn’t have enough self-awareness to make that statement?
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Marshall University RB Steward Butler was arrested in West Virginia for allegedly beating two gay men just after he saw them kiss in public last month. So he thought they should be doing something more natural like kissing their sisters?
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Isiah Thomas was fired as the Knicks coach in 2007 after a jury ruled that he had sexually harassed a female former team executive and then improperly fired her for complaining. Now Thomas has a new job: Knicks owner James Dolan hired him as president of the Liberty, New York’s WNBA team. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong #cantfixstupid
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In Naples, Florida, a woman whose ex told her she was “drinking too much” was arrested for allegedly smashing his car with a BBQ grill, and then breaking a broom over his back. If only she had been armed
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The Orlando Eye, just opened Monday. At 400 feet tall it is the tallest Ferris wheel on the U.S. East Coast . Heck, at 400 feet tall it might be the tallest thing, including hills, in Florida.
It’s Thursday morning and no GOP candidate has announced yet for President in more than 24 hours. Come on now., the clown car is idling and wasting gas..
Not the Onion. Kendall and Kylie Jenner are actually trying to trademark their first names for “entertainment in the nature of providing information by means of a global computer network in the fields of entertainment, fashion and pop culture.”
Not sure about whatever that means, but would they settle for “Kardashian” being a listed synonym for “self-absorbed” in the dictionary?
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Tiger Woods says he hasn’t slept since his breakup with Lindsey Vonn. Because he’s been “up” all night?
From Marc Ragovin. “Tiger Woods said that he hasn’t slept since Lindsey Vonn broke up with him. Correction: He meant to say he hasn’t slept with another woman since Lindsey Vonn broke up with him.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: Bob Kraft, Brady jokes, cheating jokes, Deflate-gate jokes, Deflategate joke, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, Patriots jokes, Texas jokes, Tiger Woods jokes
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April 15, 2015
“I am shocked”. Said absolutely no one. #AaronHernandez.
Turns out the person who most needed an #NFL team in #LosAngeles was Aaron Hernandez.
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Aaron Hernandez actually looked surprised when he was found guilty of murder. Was he counting on talking to OJ for advice on finding the real killers
Now that Aaron Hernandez has been found guilty, will they try him for those other two murders? Guessing the Patriots regrettably have given up on pinning him with those under-inflated balls.
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Cleveland Browns coach Mike Pettine on drafting Johnny Manziel. “We had the information that everyone else in the league had. It’s easy to look back now and say ‘What did you miss?”. And even Captain Obvious is snickering, “Really?!”
Actual warning on a frozen pizza “Not ready to eat. Cook before serving.” #cantfixstupid
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But the winner is. A New York man found bedbugs in his rental car. Someone apparently told him he could kill them by saturating them with alcohol. Which he did. And then sat in the car and lit a cigarette. Did kill the bugs. And the car. First and second-degree burns for him. Plus the #cantfixstupid award for the week. So far.
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Kim Kardashian has an actual book coming out May 5. It’s a collection of selfies titlled “Selfish.”. Give her credit for truth in advertising.
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Okay, who else saw the headline about a man arrested for landing a helicopter on the Capitol lawn and thought. “Secret service joyride?”
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United Airlines is offering Mileage Plus members the chance to use their miles to attend a batting practice event with the Los Angeles Dodgers. The way the SF Giants are hitting, they might have a similar event and make it a tryout.
The Cleveland Browns unveiled new uniforms yesterday, with nine different jersey combinations. Team president Alec Scheiner. “We could be like Oregon of the NFL.” Like “Oregon?” Meaning almost but not quite good enough to win the BCS championship?
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In Hillsborough County, Florida, near Tampa, the sheriff’s office has shut down a training school for “top earning exotic dancers and models.” after complaints of loud noise and late parties. Shame. Might have actually been classrooms where they could have gotten a lot of the state’s “student-athletes” to attend.
Cheryl Rios, CEO of “Go Ape Marketing” in Dallas, posted that she thought women could run business but didn’t think a woman should ever lead a country., “‘With the hormones we have, there is no way [a woman] should be able to start a war.” And said she would move to Canada if Hillary Clinton became president.
Not that Canada would take her, but at least Rios didn’t threaten to move to England. #cantfixstupid
“Not with a bang but a whimper.” Was T.S. Eliot thinking about the Lakers, who are putting an exclamation point on their lost season with a loss at home to… .Sacramento?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: #cantfixstupid, Aaron Hernandez jokes, Browns jokes, Giants jokes, Hernandez guilty jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, secret service jokes
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February 22, 2015
Security at this year’s Academy Awards will be tight. Especially since they need half a dozen or so men just to keep Kanye West from rushing the stage.
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As we approach the Oscars, the snubs are often as much a source of discussion as the nominees. For example, how did “Frozen” not get nominated this year for “Best Documentary”?
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Prince Harry and Emma Watson are dating. Could be some of the best pillow-talk ever: “You’re a wizard, Harry.”
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Chris Bosh will be out for the season at least with blood clots in his lungs. His long-term prognosis is good. But what a bummer for Heat fans who were counting on the team’s .434 winning percentage getting them into the Eastern Conference playoffs.
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On the bright side for San Jose Sharks fans, at least this year the team isn’t likely to break their hearts in the playoffs.
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Tickets for this year’s Comic-Con in San Diego this July sold out in less than an hour. On the bright side for hopeful attendees, most of those who bought 2 tickets probably don’t yet have dates.
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American Airlines says that due to a “technical glitch” with a conveyor belt they couldn’t load checked baggage on planes for eight hours on Friday. And not only did planes depart without luggage, passengers weren’t notified and found out only after they waited, in many cases over an hour at empty carousels. So what, the travelers hadn’t paid their “communication” fees?
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Fox News has reported that the West Coast dock labor dispute finally is over after 9 months. Without the mentioning the reason – that the President sent Labor Secretary Perez to Oakland with an order to end it. (An agreement was done in 3 days.) So where’s the fury over Obama’s “Imperial Presidency” on this one?
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Kris Jenner is apparently claiming someone has extorted her over a nude video hack. Well, at least Kris doesn’t have to pay. Even if the hacker posts the video, no one will watch it.
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A florist in Washington is refusing to settle a discrimination case over providing flowers for the gay wedding of a longtime customer, because she says “her ‘relationship with Jesus Christ’ won’t allow it. So presume she also doesn’t do flowers for couples who have had pre-marital or extra-marital sex before THEIR weddings?
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Wis. Gov. Scott Walker said today “I’ve never asked him, I don’t know” when asked whether President Barack Obama loves America. Well to be fair, Walker said he didn’t know about evolution either. #doublingdownonstupid
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Academy Awards jokes, airline jokes, comic con jokes, Janice Hough, Kanye West jokes, Kardashian jokes, Oscars jokes, Prince Harry jokes, Sharks jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
February 16, 2015
SNL’s first ever episode from 1975 last night. Of course anyone old enough to have seen the original probably is too old to stay up for it.
Oregon has the nation’s first bi-sexual governor. As opposed to all the governors over the years who would just buy sex.
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As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.
The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.
It may not always have been funny. And sometimes you watch and wonder if any part of a given night be funny. But it’s not just that SNL has lasted for 40 years. But that almost every American adult can almost instantly rattle off their 5, 10, 20 or more favorite sketches.
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#Bassomatic. SNL reminds us once again that there was actually a drink that sounded worse than a kale smoothie. #SNL40
Who knew #MileyCyrus could perform with all her clothes on? #SNL40
Why oh why couldn’t #SNL40 have had one or more people storm the stage to interrupt #KanyeWest tonight?
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Louis Jourdan, Gaston in Gigi, has died at the age of 93. One of my all-time favorite movies. Even if these days Gaston might have been arrested as a sex offender because Gigi was underage.
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As we approach spring training, some wonder how Alex Rodriguez will be received by the fans this year. Fortunately A-Rod can always count on the support of his biggest fan, the man in the mirror.
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The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was damaged in a crash this weekend in Pennsylvania. Hope the driver wasn’t hot-dogging it.
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Oregon State’s men’s basketball team had their Alaska Airlines flight home from Los Angeles delayed yesterday after a scorpion stung a woman onboard. Wonder who was the first to say “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing scorpions on this motherf***king plane.”
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In Vegas, the Chicago Cubs are only 6 to 1 to win the pennant and 10 to 1 to win the World Series. “And you think I have problems with reality?” asks Brian Williams.
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Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.
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Shifty story for the day. In Concord, CA, a would-be carjacker forced a man out of his car this morning at gunpoint, but couldn’t drive off because he didn’t know how to operate a manual transmission. (And most of my younger FB friends are probably thinking, what’s a manual transmission?)
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7 people were injured and 5 were taken to a hospital when a United flight from Newark to Honolulu experienced turbulence. It could have been worse. At least they’re not back in New Jersey.
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Kim Kardashian has apparently told friends she feels neglected by the media because they are all focused on her stepfather/stepmother Bruce Jenner. “I feel so sorry for her” said absolutely, positively nobody.
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Over an $81 million box office gross for “Fifty Shades of Grey” so far. Right, because how many men are on Valentine’s weekend are going to tell their wives/girlfriends -“Oh, a flimsy romantic story that’s really more like soft-core porn, nah, I’ll pass.”.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: A-Rod jokes, baseball jokes, Cubs jokeses, Janice Hough, Kanye West jokes, Kardashian jokes, New Jersey jokes, Saturday Night Live jokes, SNL jokes, SNL40 jokes
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December 31, 2014
For the opening kickoff of the first Foster Farms Bowl, the wind blew the football off the tee repeatedly so Maryland had to use a holder. They can take the 49ers out of Candlestick, but they can’t take the Candlestick out of their field.
Game time temperature at Levi’s Stadium 45 degrees with wind gusts up to 40mph. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to have a bowl sponsor with a major product of frozen food. #FosterFarmsBowl
VTA Light Rail announcement tonight at each stop on the way to Levi’s stadium. “Look both ways before crossing tracks.”. Might be more effective to say “Trains use both tracks. Please have your organ donor card available”.
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The Lion’s Ndamukong Suh won his appeal and will play Sunday after his one-game suspension was changed to a $70,000 fine. Bonus time for the NFL, as they get the money from his fine plus higher rates as people tune in to see which Cowboy Suh is planning to stomp now.
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Nick Saban said today he’s “not really interested in any situation in the NFL.” Makes sense, the Alabama coach is making plenty of money, and he already gets to deal with professional players, who will be gone after a maximum of four years.
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Maryland beat Michigan in football this year 23 to 16. Stanford probably calling Harbaugh tonight to see if Jim wants to schedule a game.
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Texas A&M fired student assistant coach Michael Richardson after he hit two West Virginia players during the Liberty Bowl. Richardson may, however, be offered a tryout with the Oakland Raiders defense.
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At a Idaho Wal-Mart, a 2-year-old boy shot and killed his mother when he reached into her purse where she was carrying a concealed gun and the weapon fired. If only the woman had been armed. Oops, wait, never mind.
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A thought about this toddler who shot and killed his mom with her own gun at Walmart. That woman wouldn’t have been allowed to drive the kid to the store without a carseat. But a loaded gun with the safety off, no problem. #noanticarsafetylobby #priorities
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Jim Harbaugh has a seven year contract at Michigan. Seven years?! And they said it with a straight face.
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Groupon is selling a “49ers field experience” where during the first five weeks of 2015, you’ll be able to enter Levi’s Stadium and run around on the field and play with a football. And if you can get along with Jed York, maybe the team will offer you a coaching position.
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How social media can make you feel really out of touch. The #1 trending story on FB this morning is “Giada De Laurentiis announces divorce.” And my #1 reaction was “Who?”
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Kim Kardashian claims she doesn’t smile often because it causes wrinkles. Got news for Kim, people aren’t looking at her face
Categories: sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Foster Farms Bowl jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, Jed york jokes, Kardashian jokes, Michigan jokes, Stanford jokes, Suh jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
December 10, 2014
A storm expected to wreak havoc in California is dubbed the “Pineapple Express” , because the rain comes directly from Hawaii to the West Coast. Okay, so clearly this one we can blame on Obama.
Schools in San Francisco, Marin and Oakland are closing tomorrow in anticipation of a big rain storm. Well, this should do wonders for the West Coast’s “soft” reputation.
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Got to love this factoid from the SF Chronicle’s John Shea about Madison Bumgarner going to New York to accept the SI “Sportsman of the Year” award: He went out and got a suit for the occasion.
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The House and Senate are about to approve multiplying by 10 the amount of money a person can contribute to a national political party from $32,400 to $324,000, and up to $648,000 in two years. Great, because that’s a major problem in Washington D.C., not enough money in elections….
Kate and William dazzled in New York this week. I know we got our independence and all that from Britain, but just imagine getting our regular celebrity fix from them instead of the Kardashians.
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The NFL’s new personal conduct policy says “A suspension of six games without pay for violations involving assault, sexual assault, battery, domestic violence, child abuse and other forms of family violence will be in effect, but with consideration given to mitigating or aggravating circumstances.” “Mitigating circumstances” like being a superstar on a playoff bound team or being an owner?
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The #LADodgers have acquired #JimmyRollins in a trade to be their starting shortstop. Even Vin Scully is saying “Isn’t he a bit old?”
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So many players and front office staff think they can break the Cubs 106 year old jinx? Female sports fans aren’t surprised – these same men probably think they can win an argument with a woman.
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Scott Boras said he would love for the SF Giants to enter the bidding for Max Scherzer. With all due respect, is there any team Boras wouldn’t want to enter the bidding, as long as they bring plenty of $$$?
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ESPN headline “Transcript shows inconsistencies in Goodell’s testimony on Rice matter.” I’m shocked, said absolutely positively no one.
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From my funny friend Jim Barach “Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn says that athletes and rock stars are exploiting loopholes to avoid paying taxes. Apparently the Senator is upset that those loopholes were intended to be used only by business people who donate the money they save to their congressmen.”
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A Harvard professor is demanding the town of Brookline intervene in his fight with a local Chinese restaurant who he claims charged him $1 too much on each of 4 items. Yes, a $4 overcharge. The restaurant said their website was out of date.) Thereby proving Kissinger right again about academics.
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Some wonder why big-name free agents don’t want to sign with the #SFGiants after three World Series rings. One thought, a lot of stars want to be legendary heroes. On the Giants, first it’s all about team, second you have to stand in line for the hero title.
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Rick Perry said today “People expect me to run for President.” Not sure about that. But comedy writers are praying for it.
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Message from Stanford about the Foster Farms Bowl. ” Fans who buy tickets through Stanford Athletics will be seated in the designated Stanford section and helps support 900+ student-athletes.” Translation, we expect about 500 folks from Maryland to show up and so the bowl will probably be discounting tickets on Groupon, but please help us fill our allotment.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Congress jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, madison bumgarner jokes, NFL jokes, Prince William and Kate jokes, storm jokes
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October 23, 2014
Would really be worth watching the in-game interviews if one day some ball player snaps and just says “STFU with the stupid questions and let’s just watch the game.” #WorldSeries
On a brighter note for #SFGiants #Posey wasn’t thrown out again at the plate tonight. #WorldSeries
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Giants reliever Hunter Strickland got into a shouting match with Royals catcher Santiago Perez. FOX was really disappointed. Had it escalated into a full scale brawl ratings would have been better.
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But okay, . So before game 1, the Royals seemed to be clear favorites with a bullpen that made the 7-9th innings irrelevant. Then it was going to be a Giants sweep. Tonight “the pesky Kansas City Royals fought back from a Game 1 flop to beat the San Francisco Giants’ brilliant bullpen.” ESPN and FOX analysis makes Brett Favre look decisive.
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#whythereisnosatire In 2015, Camel cigarette maker Reynolds American Inc. will start prohibiting the use of cigarettes, cigars or pipes in the company’s offices, conference rooms and elevators.
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Safari bookings in Kenya have apparently dropped up to 70% because of Ebola fears. Despite the fact that Kenya is over 3000 miles from Liberia. This is as if overseas tourists started avoiding New York because of earthquake fears in California. #lookataglobepeople!
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The new President and COO of Norwegian Cruise line came from Darden, where he was COO of Olive Garden restaurants. Well, that ought to do wonders for the image of cruise ships having mediocre food.
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Who says football isn’t educational. The Florida Gators have replaced their starting QB with a true freshman. And a number of players now may learn the historical story behind the phrase “replacing deck chairs on the Titanic.
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The NCAA just stated that the Mo’ne Davis’s Chevy commercial won’t affect her amateur status should the 13 year old want to play college sports. The statement concludes “While this situation is unusual, the flexible approach utilized in this decision is not.” In other words, we want to be at least as fair to Mo’ne as we would be to an SEC Heisman winner.
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A judge ruled that Roger Goodell must testify at the hearing on Ray Rice’s appeal of his indefinite suspension. So that will settle it, when he gets asked direct questions, why would anyone doubt Goodell’s honesty?
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Kim Kardashian, in an interview with ES magazine on daughter North West ‘She will have to work for what she wants’, just like Kim herself did. And she said it with a straight face.
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-In Washington, D.C., a 22 year-old substitute teacher allegedly had sex with a football player student, 17, on her first day of school. Wow. And here some say substitutes can never match up to regular teachers.
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How can you really top some statements with a punchline? Fox News’ Kimberly Guilfoyle, saying that young women don’t have the proper “life experience” such as having kids and paying bills that allows older women to make informed decisions, whether in the voting booth or the courtroom. “They’re like healthy and hot and running around without a care in the world, so they should be “excused” so “they can go back on Tinder or Match.com.”
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From Bill Littlejohn “Report–Texas is to pay scholarship athletes 10K per year.Why the pay cut?”
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Finally on a serious note, one of those times you hope there is a hell. Because there should be a special circle of it for someone who shoots an unarmed soldier guarding a war memorial. #Ottawa.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Ebola jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Kardashian jokes, NCAA jokes. Mo'ne Davis jokes, Strickland jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 