Posted tagged ‘cheating jokes’

All about the balls.

May 6, 2015

The NFL Wells report has found that it is “probable” that Patriots personnel deliberately deflated balls against the Colts, and that quarterback Tom Brady was “generally aware” of what was happening. So how long until Roger Goddell penalizes the Saints?

Patriots owner Bob Kraft in January, proclaiming his team’s innocence. “Tom, Bill and I have been together for 15 years. They are my guys. They are part of my family, and Bill, Tom and I have had many difficult discussions over the years, and I have never known them to lie to me.”

Right, because family members NEVER lie to you. Paging Hillary Clinton

 

 

Patriots owner Robert Kraft condemned the Wells report on “Deflate-gate” saying the incriminatory findings were ‘incomprehensible’ and based on ‘circumstantial evidence’ rather than science. Uh, apparently no one has explained to Kraft about this texting thing?

 

Texas state Rep. David Simpson, a Republican, has proposed a bill to legalize marijuana in the state, and it was approved by a House committee. But this line from his March op-ed is the best – “I don’t believe that when God made marijuana he made a mistake that government needs to fix,” but it should be “regulated like tomatoes, jalapenos or coffee.” Jalapenos? ‪#‎GodBlessTexas‬

 

 

In Crane County,, Texas, apparently 20 students, out of only 300 at the high school, have chlamydia. The school’s only sex-program is “”Worth the Wait’ Abstinence Plus.” And the district superintendent, Jim Rumage says “If kids are not having any sexual activity, they can’t get this disease.” Is it too early for nominations for the 2015 “Captain Obvious” award? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎cantstophormoneseither‬

 

Cowboys’ draftee Randy Gregory, who admitted regular marijuana smoking in college, and failed a drug test at the NFL combine, said on Dallas radio “I don’t think it’s a weed problem. I think it’s decision making. I think I’m immature.”

Of course, if he were REALLY immature, he wouldn’t have enough self-awareness to make that statement?

Marshall University RB Steward Butler was arrested in West Virginia for allegedly beating two gay men just after he saw them kiss in public last month. So he thought they should be doing something more natural like kissing their sisters?

Isiah Thomas was fired as the Knicks coach in 2007 after a jury ruled that he had sexually harassed a female former team executive and then improperly fired her for complaining. Now Thomas has a new job: Knicks owner James Dolan hired him as president of the Liberty, New York’s WNBA team. ‪#‎whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

In Naples, Florida, a woman whose ex told her she was “drinking too much” was arrested for allegedly smashing his car with a BBQ grill, and then breaking a broom over his back. If only she had been armed

The Orlando Eye, just opened Monday. At 400 feet tall it is the tallest Ferris wheel on the U.S. East Coast . Heck, at 400 feet tall it might be the tallest thing, including hills, in Florida.

 

It’s Thursday morning and no GOP candidate has announced yet for President in more than 24 hours. Come on now., the clown car is idling and wasting gas..

 

Not the Onion. Kendall and Kylie Jenner are actually trying to trademark their first names for “entertainment in the nature of providing information by means of a global computer network in the fields of entertainment, fashion and pop culture.”
Not sure about whatever that means, but would they settle for “Kardashian” being a listed synonym for “self-absorbed” in the dictionary?

Tiger Woods says  he hasn’t slept since his breakup with Lindsey Vonn. Because he’s been “up” all night?

 

From Marc Ragovin.  “Tiger Woods said that he hasn’t slept since Lindsey Vonn broke up with him. Correction: He meant to say he hasn’t slept with another woman since Lindsey Vonn broke up with him.

Cheaters and other jokes

May 27, 2009

The University of Memphis is under investigation for “major” rule violations, including “knowing fraudulence or misconduct” on the SAT exam by a player on their 2007-2008, team.  Apparently the NCAA became really suspicious when the unnamed player involved said  “What’s an SAT?”

Manny Ramirez is rehabbing during his 50 game suspension with a minor league team.  In the best interests of baseball, some are asking that the rehab be with the Nationals.

Randy Johnson got his 299th win on Wednesday night.   He will go for win 300 next Wednesday.  Which means another  potential milestone  with  an asterisk  – next Wednesday the Giants are playing the Nationals.

From the very funny Alex Kaseberg.  Very tacky.  Wish I had written it:

The latest rumor is that Alex Rodriguez was making out in a New York club with Kate Hudson. It looks like A-Rod is trying to pull a Capt “Sully” Sullenberger: get lucky and land on the Hudson.

The Blue Jays lost their ninth game in a row.  Which is making this one of the worst months of May ever in Toronto.   Although to be fair, the Maple Leafs seldom play in May.

Wednesday night was the season premier of  “Wipeout.”    And not just the Nuggets’ fourth quarter in Los Angeles.

First he talked about how he and Bristol basically lived together at her mother Sarah’s  house.  Now Levi Johnston has said in an interview that Bristol Palin’s father, Todd, repeatedly offered her a car if she would break up with him.   Proving once again, if you are going to throw someone under the bus, you had better have puncture-proof tires.