Posted tagged ‘Manny jokes’

Hits and no hits.

August 11, 2009

At a recent Nationals-Diamondbacks game, a violinist played the National Anthem on a violin made from a bat. The crowd went wild. Nats and Dbacks fans are thrilled to see ANYONE do something useful with a bat.


For any frustrated San Francisco fans reading this, the same joke works to substitute Giants too.


Manny Ramirez has not been quite as effective since since he returned from his 50 game drug suspension. A Dodgers source attributes it to his being hit on the hand recently. Sure, not like it could be anything else.


The long-haired flaky and often illogical Los Angeles slugger has indicated he is a little frustrated with his post-suspension performance. But apparently if this baseball thing doesn’t work out Manny thinks he has a chance to replace Paula on American Idol.

Britney Spears won a lifetime achievement award at the Teen Choice awards. Mostly because at this point it’s an achievement that she’s still alive.


The U.S. may have finally come up with a way to get Osama bin Laden. Trade him to the Mets. He’ll be out of commission in no time.

Jessica Simpson was in Japan during a magnitude 6.6 quake that hit early Tuesday morning. She tweeted. “Thought I was hallucinating.” Actually, Jessica, it’s not an either/or question.

Actually the quake might have been more powerful, but there are rumors Jessica distracted it.

From Alex Kaseberg, wish I had written this.

Chicago Blackhawks star, Patrick Kane, was arrested for beating a Buffalo cab driver because he didn’t have 20 cents change for Kane. Kane brings an entirely new and ugly meaning to cheapskate.

Questions for Manny.

July 1, 2009

Manny Ramirez will face many questions from the media when he returns from his female fertility drug suspension on Friday. Which is okay, as Manny has a question for them too – “Does this uniform make me look fat?”

Okay, it’s their national sport, but even so, in a recent poll only 29 percent of Canadians correctly identified the Montreal Canadians as the last team from Canada to win the Stanley Cup.

But to be fair, Canadian schools really don’t teach much ancient history.


So let’s see, a rambling weepy confessional, way too much sexual detail, and an over-the-top romantic view of a part-time secret relationship. Are we sure Governor Sanford shouldn’t be tested for female fertility drugs?

Mark Sanford says his affair with “Maria” was not about sex, it was a “forbidden, tragic, love story.” Forget the West Wing, this Governor is thinking for “West Side Story.”


Regarding that “forbidden, tragic love story”, can we start referring to him as “Governor Zhivago?


The Red Sox blew a 10-1 lead Tuesday night and lost to the Orioles 11-10. Boston hasn’t seen a sports-related collapse like that since John Kerry was photographed windsurfing.

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. On the bright side for Bernie, by the time he gets out, Brett Favre may have finally decided about retirement.

And okay, let’s hear it for the winners in the “Which gets decided first – the Minnesota Senate race, or the Vikings’ starting quarterback?” contest?

Luckiest man in the world..

June 26, 2009

What an incredible news day. First Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson. Which makes the luckiest man in the world- Mark Sanford


You have to feel sorry for someone at the Los Angeles Clippers’ headquarters. Who figured this morning, okay, Manny Ramirez is still down in Albuquerque, there haven’t been any new USC scandals this week, there’s no reality show finale….okay TODAY, with the first pick in the NBA draft we are going to dominate the front page..


Speaking of the NBA draft, okay, in the grand scheme of things this is trivial, but how would you like to be advertisers who had spent a ton of money today for spots on ESPN during the NBA draft. Which started about 1 hour after Jackson’s death was announced.


Although, okay, if they took a poll of Americans and asked which recent story they might have preferred Jackson’s death to eclipse on all the news channels, about 90 percent would have probably said “Jon and Kate.”


But note to any younger readers of this blog, if you ever hear people talking about the days when there were only a few channels, and on a major news day everything was the same, today might have been the closet you got to seeing that. I think even QVC was selling Thriller CDs.


And back to mundane sports, for anyone who thinks the boss is throwing a tough challenge their way over the weekend, how about being the starting pitcher for Single A Rancho Cucamanga Saturday, and finding out you get to face Manny Ramirez?


Though about this 50 game suspension, for the last two weeks Ramirez gets to play against AAA and A teams, with sellout crowds rooting for him. And people thought Martha Stewarts end of term sentence to house arrest with an electronic ankle monitor was light?


Brandon Jennings, who skipped college to play in Europe, announced he would skip the New York NBA ceremony and media “green room” during the draft. Instead, he said he would watch it with his family. Jennings denied it had anything to do with the fact his stock had been dropped lately.. But when he was drafted 10th, Brandon changed his mind and came over to Madison Square Garden.

Well, the young man may not be the next Michael Jordan, but he is well on his way to being the next Brett Favre.

Theme song for Governor Sanford?

June 25, 2009

My suggestion for a theme song for formerly missing South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford? “Don’t cry for me, I’m in Argentina.”


Or possibly “Crying for me in Argentina.”


This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republican party, since last week.


I mean, how can you reasonably expect people to believe you confused Appalachia and Argentina? Unless your name is George W. Bush.

And this great follow up from Zev Karlin-Neumann – apparently his advisors told him if he wanted to be President that he needed more experience in foreign affairs.


Just a thought, has anyone told the Republicans that having Presidential aspirations doesn’t mean you have to aspire to be President Clinton.


I’m not sure who will end up with the Republican nomination, but at this point my money’s on someone who’s had prostrate surgery.

President Obama became testy with reporters this week and said that he “did not operate on a 24 hours news cycle.” Former President Bush commented that he agreed, and in fact preferred a mountain bike himself.


Let’s see, Eliot Spitzer, Rod Blagojevich, and now Mark Sanford. It’s hard to believe there was a time when comedy writers looking for material on governors had to settle for them being either a former pro-wrestler or actor.


The U.S. Soccer team upset the top-ranked Spanish team. The last time something this embarrassing happened to Spain, the Armada was involved.


Michael Jordan’s son says he is leaving the University of Illinois basketball team to focus on this studies. The number one response from fellow college basketball players – “What are studies?”

Manny Ramirez continues his rehab assignment in Albuquerque. Apparently the slugger has also been using his suspension to line up more endorsement contracts. Like “First Response.”

Reality and unreality.

June 24, 2009

Now that the split is official, Kate Gosselin says in divorce papers that she and her husband Jon have lived “separate and apart” for at least two years.

Which means that the whole reality show about their marriage has been a lie for that time. We may be losing a televised marriage, but we are gaining two potential political candidates.


Between all the steroid scandals and stories like Jon and Kate’s that make you wonder about ALL reality shows, who’d have thought that the most honest entertainment out there might be pro wrestling?

The Oakland As honored their 1989 World Series winning team Tuesday night. Mark McGwire declined to attend, although he was offered a chance to throw out the first syringe.

New Mexico police cited a woman for keeping 334 bunny rabbits in her yard. 334 bunnies?! Or as Hugh Hefner calls that “a good start.”


San Francisco Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum pitched his second complete game victory against the Oakland A’s in a week Tuesday night. The Giants could have sure used Lincecum in 1989 when they were swept by the As in the World Series. Except for the fact Timmy was four years old.

Over 15,000 people showed up in Albuquerque to watch Manny Ramirez start his rehab from his 50 game suspension with the Triple A Isotopes. Ramirez went 0-2. But let’s be fair, 15,000 people? That’s a much bigger audience than he’s used to seeing in the early innings at Dodger Stadium.



Ed McMahon died today. He was the perfect sidekick. Always there, always charming, always in the background supporting his man. In related news, Barack Obama sent DVD’s of Johnny Carson’s Tonight Show to Joe Biden.

Cheaters and other jokes

May 27, 2009

The University of Memphis is under investigation for “major” rule violations, including “knowing fraudulence or misconduct” on the SAT exam by a player on their 2007-2008, team.  Apparently the NCAA became really suspicious when the unnamed player involved said  “What’s an SAT?”

Manny Ramirez is rehabbing during his 50 game suspension with a minor league team.  In the best interests of baseball, some are asking that the rehab be with the Nationals.

Randy Johnson got his 299th win on Wednesday night.   He will go for win 300 next Wednesday.  Which means another  potential milestone  with  an asterisk  – next Wednesday the Giants are playing the Nationals.

From the very funny Alex Kaseberg.  Very tacky.  Wish I had written it:

The latest rumor is that Alex Rodriguez was making out in a New York club with Kate Hudson. It looks like A-Rod is trying to pull a Capt “Sully” Sullenberger: get lucky and land on the Hudson.

The Blue Jays lost their ninth game in a row.  Which is making this one of the worst months of May ever in Toronto.   Although to be fair, the Maple Leafs seldom play in May.

Wednesday night was the season premier of  “Wipeout.”    And not just the Nuggets’ fourth quarter in Los Angeles.

First he talked about how he and Bristol basically lived together at her mother Sarah’s  house.  Now Levi Johnston has said in an interview that Bristol Palin’s father, Todd, repeatedly offered her a car if she would break up with him.   Proving once again, if you are going to throw someone under the bus, you had better have puncture-proof tires.

This week in Buffalo

May 16, 2009

This week in Buffalo, former defensive end Bruce Smith was charged with DUI, and fullback Corey McIntyre was charged with indecent exposure for exposing himself to a woman.

So who’d a thunk it, the Bills have this embarrassing a week, and T.O was not involved.

These two arrests were the fourth and fifth for the Bills this off-season. Who do they think they are?  The Bengals?

 

Quit while you’re ahead department. 

The State Department has revised a report that erroneously pegged the salaries of some foreigners working abroad at U.S. embassies and other places at less than $1 per day.

Two days after the report was released, the inspector general’s office said it’s not $1 a day.  It’s $4 a day.

The Bengals will apparently be able to clear their season ticket holder waiting list.  This is shocking, the Bengals have a season ticket holder waiting list?

Manny Ramirez is telling Dodgers fans he will be staying in top shape during his 50 game suspension for testing positive for HCG, a pregnancy hormone used as a fertility drug.  He also said he is committed to a healthy diet despite his cravings for pickles and ice cream.

 –

There are rumors that Jon and Kate of  “Jon and Kate plus 8” may split up.  The second most common response to this news is shock.  The most common response “Who are Jon and Kate?”

Manny, Manny….

May 7, 2009

So it’s not exactly a pop quiz anymore.  All major league baseball players know they will be tested for banned performance enchancing substances.   And Manny Ramirez gets caught.

Even John Edwards said “What was he THINKING?”

Although watching John and Elizabeth Edwards do such a public airing of their dirty linen, a thought comes to mind.  Who knew Bill and Hillary might end up looking like a model political marriage?

Back to baseball…

 

Although a true cynic might note that Manny seems to get bored in a full season, and will still make $17 million.  While the Dodgers save over $6 million and still get their slugger before back the All-Star game.  ..

In San Francisco, the Giants have to be breathing a sigh of relief, since they at least flirted with signing a long term deal with Manny.  Kind of like John Edward’s last girlfriend before Elizabeth must feel…

And in the meantime, parents who don’t want their children growing up idolizing these artificially enchanced stars can just take the kids to the movies, or watch a beauty pageant. 

From Bill Littlejohn:

 “Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for using a female fertility drug.An investigator who had talked to the star earlier and heard his voice said it was a case of ‘Manny being Minnie'”

The Red Sox broke an American League record by scoring 12 runs in the sixth inning againsts the Indians, BEFORE making an out.   The game, which they won 13-3, may go down in history as the Boston Put-it-on-a-Tee Party.

   ,

 

And Celine Dion is thinking of buying the Montreal Canadians.   Maybe because watching them in the playoffs reminded her of “Titanic.”

Manny and A-Rod: Baseball’s Comedy stimulus package?

March 7, 2009

Whatever you think of Manny Ramirez and Alex Rodriguez, they are a boon to struggling would-be joke writers still reeling from the departure of President Bush.

JetBlue has announced new “Manny Fan Fares” from Los Angeles to New York and Boston. The fare’s only $99 each way. But there’s a mandatory surcharge for excess baggage.

United Airlines, based in Chicago, is thinking of offering Cubs fan fares. The fares, of course, will be no good in October.

The season hasn’t even started yet, and in New York, where their sky-high payroll has the team paying a luxury tax, they’re going to call A-Rod’s portion of it an “excess baggage fee.”


Some pundits are already blaming Barack Obama for the economy, although he has barely been in office 40 days. Even Raiders owner Al Davis is saying “Show a little patience!”


50-year-old Mark Martin is now the second-oldest pole winner in NASCAR history, after winning the top spot at Atlanta Motor Speedway.

So will the race be started – “Gentlemen start your engines, and you punks get out of his lane?