Posted tagged ‘soccer jokes’

Costa rica?

November 15, 2016

 

Ok, regarding this #MakeAmericaGreat again stuff. Did @realDonaldTrump not realize we have a men’s soccer team?

Don’t look now, but the Lakers are respectable again. So is it Luke Walton coaching or Kobe Bryant leaving?

 

ESPN headline  “The CFP race is setting up for an unpredictable and likely controversial finish.”  In other words, water is wet.

Lots of Big 10 teams in the top rankings now.   Add another  conference where teams can beat up on each other but still rank higher than Pac 12 teams who do the same thing.

Columbia University has at least temporarily stopped its mens’ wrestling team from competing during an investigation of “lewd tweets.”
Once again, bad enough to make the comments, criminal stupidity to put them on the record in tweets. Even Ivy Leagues apparently #cantfixstupid

Apparently 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick, 29, has NEVER registered to vote. And he thinks Hillary Clinton is an imperfect leader….

For election should we really blame #AlGore? If he hadn’t invented internet Hillary’s emails & Trump on Twitter wouldn’t have happened.

 

Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that a America who thinks you can find true love on reality show also thinks you can find president on one.

 

Democrats need to remember, it’s as important to keep fighting forward when we’re winning as to fight back when we lose.

Wait, I can’t just fire everyone in Congress I don’t like? #PresidentTrumps1stTantrum

Has anyone thought that maybe putting #SteveBannon in the White House is to make #Trump look statesmanlike by comparison?

So has anyone told Rudy Giuliani that if he becomes Secretary of State he can’t count on FBI friends to bail him out?

 

New sore winner prize to @RealDonaldTrump: if no electoral college “I’d have campaigned in N.Y. FL & CA, & won even bigger & more easily”

Twitter says it is cracking down on hate speech. Just in time to keep deranged Tweeters from affecting the US election. Oh wait, never mind.

USA doesn’t have “Leader of the Opposition” like UK does, but Democrats need one now to inspire w/ positive message. I nominate @CoryBooker

Broken dreams.

July 12, 2015

Lebron James says he still has “nightmares” over Cleveland’s loss to Golden State ” I can never get away from losing in the Finals.” Don’t they say practice makes perfect?

 

Bruce Bochy has added Clayton Kershaw to the NL All-Star SF Giants fans have no problem with this. Maybe Bochy can pitch him for 8 innings?

Max Scherzer is pitching today and so will miss the All-Star game. And the Nationals, who saw Madison Bumgarner last year, are thinking, “If we win the NL and have Max Scherzer, we don’t need no stinking home field advantage.”

 

The Knicks beat the Spurs, 78-73 in their first Summer League game in Las Vegas yesterday. The game was also the head coaching debut of Becky Hammon. And everyone survived just fine. ‪#‎Thetimestheyareachangin‬

Buffalo Bills OL coach Aaron Kromer was arrested this morning in Florida for allegedly punching a boy in the face. And at NFL headquarters they’re thinking “At least it wasn’t a girl.”

Jayson Tatum, the #2 ranked 2016 basketball recruit, has committed to join the Blue Devils, saying “I love the way the program is run and I love the way the academics are set up.” So Tatum is thinking Duke has the best 1 year high school post-graduate program in the country?

NY Rep. Carolyn Maloney today cited the World Cup in calling for gender pay equality. “Women are being short-changed in soccer. We need to step up and work for equal pay.” The U.S. women’s national team received $2 million, whereas the men got $8 million for losing in the round of 16.

Well, and no doubt that’s because of TV ratings. The Women’s final had 25.4 million viewers, only about 2 million more than this year’s NBA finals game 6 and 2014’s World Series game 7. Oops, never mind.

 

Donald Trump is bragging that 15,000 supporters came to watch his Phoenix speech, and that tickets to ‘free’ event sold online for as much as $100. Right. But what’s more American than turning out for a really spectacular circus?

Joaquin Guzman, “El Chapo”, who was the most wanted drug lord in the world until his 2014 arrest, apparently escaped from a Mexican maximum security prison for the second time.

Maybe they ought to rethink that “maximum security” part? ‪#‎Whatsminimumsecurity‬?

 

Donald Trump, surprise, is seizing on the escape of drug lord “El Chapo” from a Mexican maximum security as proof of that country’s corruption. So what was the escape of two murderers from a U.S. maximum security prison proof of…?

There’s corruption at FIFA, I’m shocked, shocked…

May 28, 2015

The U.S. case against FIFA apparently involves bribes “totaling more than $100 million” linked to commercial deals dating back to the 1990s for soccer tournaments in the United States and Latin America. $100 million is a lot of money to affect competition. Of course, for comparison ESPN is paying $470 million a year for the college football playoffs….

FIFA President Sepp Blatter on the arrests “Let me be clear: such misconduct has no place in football and we will ensure that those who engage in it are put out of the game.” So is Blatter resigning?

 

Have to share this from Ryan Duca. “Breaking news. Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.”

 

 

The ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are 10-2 since their right fielder has returned to the lineup field. Let’s hope MLB doesn’t classify Hunter Pence as a PED.

The team with the highest batting average in the National League is…. the SF Giants?! ‪#‎whoaretheseguys‬

ESPN reports NY Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard “is the 4th pitcher in the last 50 years to throw 7 scoreless innings in a game, while collecting 3 hits, including a HR.” Is this throwing down the gauntlet to Madison Bumgarner?

 

 

The worst division in MLB is unquestionably now the AL East, with even the division  leading Yankees at .532, no better than 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th place in most other divisions, and no one else over .500. But the division does have 3 of the top 10 ten payrolls in baseball. (NY, Boston,Toronto.)  #moneycantbuyhappiness  #orwins

If the Warriors clinch tonight it will be seven days between the end of the Conference Finals and the beginning of the NBA Finals, the longest layoff ever. Well, I guess the league doesn’t want to give up on the moniker “The Boys of Summer.”

 

Wow. Just wow. Less than 48 hours after he was cut by the Chicago Bears for a third arrest, which he denied was his fault, Ray McDonald was arrested tonight by the Santa Clara Police for violating a restraining order. ‪#‎Cantfixstupid‬

An Australian man made the news for spending $37K on a birthday party at a private estate for their daughter. The girl just turned 3. Well, if dad has that kind of money, presumably he can set aside as much or more for future therapy.

Marco Rubio says of the push to legalize same-sex marriage that “we’ve reached the point in our society where if you do not support same-sex marriage you are labeled a homophobe and a hater.”,… After they are done going after individuals, the next step is to argue that the teachings of mainstream Christianity, the catechism of the Catholic Church is hate speech. And there’s a real and present danger.”

Thinking a bigger “real and present danger” to Christianity these days is people like Marco Rubio…

 

No NBA games to watch now for about a week. And a large number of Americans are going “no what?”

 

Rand Paul today, on GOP Hawks. “ISIS exists and grew stronger because of the hawks in our party who gave arms indiscriminately. And most of those arms were snatched up by ISIS. … Everything that they have talked about in foreign policy, they have been wrong about for 20 years, and yet they have somehow the gall to keep saying and pointing fingers otherwise.” Well, not sure what job Paul is really angling for, but it sure doesn’t appear to be the Republican VP nominee.

Don’t make me come up there.

November 13, 2014

A new report says a Secret Service agent was chatting on his cellphone while an intruder scaled the White House fence in September. Maybe it’s time to get men out of the Secret Service. Not that women don’t chat. But we can multitask.

Most Americans don’t seem to know or care about the “Net Neutrality” issue. Maybe they’d take more of an interest if proponents explained it might affect their ability to see Kim Kardashian naked?

A plastic surgeon claims that by 2016, he’ll have FDA approval and be able to market “Vacation Breasts.” An injectable saline solution with added chemicals to increase women’s breast sizes for 2-3 weeks. Wow. A whole new opportunity for women to attract men who they can then claim don’t appreciate them for who they really are……

 

Evangelical actor Kirk Cameron has a film “Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas,” which attacks the idea that some Christmas traditions actually have pagan roots. So this means Cameron’s found the part in the Bible where Jesus said to go out and look for Black Friday sales?

The fiancée of Thomas Eric Duncan, the Liberian man who died of Ebola in Dallas, apparently has a book deal.. Wonder how many potential buyers are afraid you might get Ebola from reading it.

#‎WeCanLandOnACometButWeCant‬ answer the question “What is a comet?”

Qatar’s sports minister was asked how gay people will be welcomed at the 2022 World Cup, and gave a vague answer starting with “It’s exactly like the alcohol question…” Which is not great news for LGBT sports fans who want to watch soccer in 122 degree weather, both of them.

Uruguayan soccer star Luis Suarez on his bad habit. “Biting scares a lot of people. But it’s relatively harmless.” Well that should make competing players feel all warm and fuzzy.

Some airports, including Phoenix Sky Harbor, Boston Logan, and Dallas Fort Worth DFW, now have walking paths for travelers. Denver and O’Hare are sticking with the old model – gates as far apart as possible that usually require a good run to make a flight.

Scott Ostler has the right solution to this joke of a College Football Playoff committee. Put the real impartial experts in charge – a panel of the best oddsmakers in Las Vegas.

USC CB Josh Davis, explaining why he fabricated a story about jumping into a pool to save his nephew, said he was arguing with his girlfriend, and leaped from the balcony because he thought she called the authorities, and as a “black man with dreadlocks” he was afraid.

He added “I didn’t think it could be proved that story was not true. My sister was having a party … my cousin does have a balcony over his pool. … It involved only myself, my sister, two or three little kids, and my cousin.”

Another reason why football players should go to class, in Creative Writing he’d learn how to make up a better story.

 

It’s early in the NBA season, but so far two of the top teams are Toronto and Memphis. Now that’s a potential Finals matchup that would make the networks long for the ratings lure of a Kansas City-SF World Series.

 

ESPN announcers talking earlier tonight about how close USC was to having a chance for the College Football Playoffs, with late losses to ASU and Utah. Uh, yeah, and then there was that 13-10 win in Palo Alto that they only got when Stanford flubbed most of their EIGHT trips to the Red Zone.

 

NBA commissioner Adam Silver wrote in a NY Times op-ed that Congress “should adopt a federal framework that allows states to authorize betting on professional sports” Translation, maybe if more Americans can legally bet on the NBA they might actually pay attention to the 82 game regular season.

Fit to be tied?

June 23, 2014

US Coach Jurgen Klinsmann, complaining about his team’s chances against Germany “They played yesterday, we played today. We played in the Amazon, they played in a location where they don’t have to travel much. Everything was done for the big favourites to go and move on. We’re going to do it the tough way.” Of course, the easiest way would have been to play good defense for another 30
seconds today.

Tough last minute tie for the USA. Some of these heartbroken fans have been rooting for the team for their entire weekend. #WorldCup

But if life is supposed to be a learning experience, a whole lot of Americans just learned about the concept of stoppage time. #WorldCup

 

#SFGiants are undefeated in the #Panik era.

All this talk about the heat in Brazil. It was only 110 degrees in Qatar today. #Worldcup

 

A man is suing British Airways because he said he wanted to book tickets to Granada, Spain, two hours from London, and ended up on a flight to the Caribbean Island of Grenada, nine hours from London. And it didn’t occur to the traveler to read his itinerary? #cantfixstupid

Oops. A Samsung Twitter Sunday read “Best of luck to Landon Donovan & the USA team. #GALAXY11” On the brighter side for the Korean company, a lot of casual American soccer fans didn’t notice a problem.

If we really wanted to get World Cup interest going in the US, FIFA should suggest that newspapers publish brackets with disclaimers that of course no betting and pools are allowed.

Carmelo Anthony is apparently planning to opt out of his NY Knicks contract. What a shame to break up such a great 37-45 team…

With Lucy Li, 11, in the Women’s U.S. Open, a lot of media focus was on someone who didn’t even make the cut. Getting us ready for Tiger Woods next weekend?

From Gary M.  “Would it be appropriate to begin a Kick-start campaign to raise bail for Hope Solo?”

 

From Bill Littlejohn  “Last Sunday for Father’s Day the SF Giants gave away ties.  Presumably the way Sergio Romo has been blowing, and nearly blowing, saves, all of those ties were more than a little tight.”

Double crown?

June 9, 2012

So now that “I’ll Have Another,” has been scratched from the Belmont,  and our best hope of a horse racing Triple Crown is gone another year,  should we really start consider setting the bar down to a  “Double Crown?” –

I’ll Have Another”, scratched for the Belmont for a tendon injury.   Damn. Let’s hope he wasn’t washing his truck or something.

Anyone want to guess the no-show percentage tomorrow for a sold out Belmont Park?

I’ll Have Another has now formally been retired. What’s the difference between NBA players and thoroughbred racehorses? The players don’t wait until retirement to go out to stud.

Lindsay Lohan apparently went to the emergency room with non-life threatening injuries today after totaling her Porsche in a accident today. So congratulations to all those who had June 7 in the pool. –

 

Detroit Lions lineman Nick Fairley, arrested May 27 for the 2nd time this spring:”I want to personally apologize to my fans, teammates and the organization for bringing this unwanted attention to our team. I recognize my actions were inexcusable and I personally need to uphold the expected standard of behavior of a professional athlete.” Over-under on how many times we’ll hear this same statement in 2012? –

The bidding is up to $3,500,000 for the opportunity to have lunch with billionaire Warren Buffett. The first piece of investment advice Buffet will no doubt give the winner? “Don’t spend $3,500,000 on a lunch.”

Even casual horse racing fans were disappointed by the news that “I’ll Have Another” has tendonitis and won’t be able to run for the Triple Crown tomorrow. Romney strategists are trying to figure out how to blame this on Obamacare.

Six Mariners pitchers combined tonight for a no-hitter against the Dodgers. Long-suffering Seattle fans who didn’t see the game had only one question – did the team win?

Paraguay’s president, Fernando Lugo has admitted he is the father of a 2nd out of wedlock child, (claims from 2 MORE women are pending. Lugo fathered these children while he was a Roman Catholic bishop. No word from the Vatican; presumably they are at least relieved Fernando was sleeping with adult women.

The first match in the Eurocup 2012 was today. With no U.S. team playing, this means Americans could start ignoring the soccer tournament right from the beginning.

To the driver of the little black BMW convertible driving at least 45-50 mph in a Palo Alto school zone, weaving in and out of traffic, and then running the light as it turned red, one question. Did the car make you a a**hole, or were you that way when you got it?

11,000 San Francisco residents lost power this afternoon. Does this make them honorary SF Giants?

Curt Schilling, an ardent small government conservative, and supporter of many GOP candidates, moved his video game company to Rhode Island in exchange for $75 million in state loan guarantees in 2010. The company, 38 Studios, filled for bankruptcy today. Where’s the Mitt Romney photo op on this one?

Mr. Bochy goes to Washington.

July 19, 2011

For the SF Giants’ visit to the White House next week, rumor has it that President Obama has invited Speaker John Boehner to join them. That way the team can get a real Orange and Black welcome.

Actually President Obama has to be thrilled about having the SF Giants visit. After getting it from both sides during this debt ceiling debate, at least with the Giants lineup the President knows he won’t have to absorb any hits.

Another day, another resignation at Scotland Yard over the Murdoch hacking scandal. This mess could end up being the downfall of more policemen than all you can eat free  doughnut giveaway.

Rebekah Brooks’ lawyer says she is not guilty of any criminal offense. Though police now say at least 4,000 people were hacked by News of the World, Brooks is denying she knew anything wrong was going on while she was editor. Ah, the increasingly common “clueless defense.”

“Cut, cap and balance?” (One of the Tea Party pledges)  Can’t decide if it sounds more like some package special at the hair salon, or like what BP was trying to do with that well.

In a suburb of Vienna this weekend, thieves made off with a semi-trailer filled with 21 tons of mustard and ketchup. Reportedly there is an all-points bulletin out for the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.

A man in a wedding dress briefly interrupted play by running onto the field during the Nationals-Braves game last weekend. Guess that answers the question – “Whatever happened to Dennis Rodman?”

Reggie Bush’s family has taken back a copy of his 2005 Heisman Trophy from a San Diego sports museum. Maybe they plan to trade it for tattoos?

USC has suspended running back Marc Tyler after he was interviewed by TMZ and asked if athletes were paid more at USC or in the pros. Tyler says was “joking” when he responded “USC, they breaking bread,” and made a gesture indicating money. Well, the truth may or may not set you free, but it does apparently get you kicked off the Trojans.

Borders Books is facing liquidation after no bids emerged in an auction from any investors who wanted to keep the chain going. While this is bad news for the company’s over 10,000 employees, it’s a bit of karmic payback for the countless independent bookstores Borders put out of business during their heyday.

When they put together the video of the U.S. women’s run in the World Cup, especially with all those “almost” goals in the final, will the background music be from “Get Smart?” (“Missed it by THAT much.”)

Fox News reported that “The Undefeated,” the Sarah Palin documentary, opened to packed houses. But the article appeared before the film was even showing in theatres. Gosh, who would have expected anything duplitious from a Murdoch enterprise.

From TC “In Germany, Paul the Octopus 2 correctly predicted Japan would beat the US in the Womens World Cup. His reward? He was not invited to be a part of the celebratory dinner.”

No scoring at home.

July 17, 2011

 

In the first three games after the All-Star Break at Safeco Field, the Seattle Mariners have scored a total of one run. Does this make them the official baseball team of Major League Soccer?

From Gary Morton:  The Mariners have been shut-out in 2 of their last 3 games and have been outscored 38-10 while losing 8 straight. They haven’t been this befuddled since manager Eric Wedge held up a bat in a team meeting and asked, “does ANYONE know what this is?”

Apparently “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” has broken box office records by taking in $168.6 million domestically this weekend. That’s particularly amazing considering almost none of those moviegoers came with dates.

One of the tenets of the anti-tax movement is that rich people are smarter and more productive about spending money than the government. But for many years one of the richest and biggest spending franchises in baseball has been the Chicago Cubs.

 

A Legoland theme park near Dallas, Texas is now displaying a “Lego Dirk Nowitzki” that they got from Germany. The 7 foot tall statue is made from 25,000-30,000 Lego bricks, and took 3,000 hours to build. Apparently Miami tried to get a “Lego Lebron James” too, but builders kept stopping when they were three-quarters done.

 

Listening to Fox announcers talk about how terrible the Oakland A’s ballpark is for hitters. (Big and with huge foul terrority.) Can you only imagine what the Giants’ team ERA would be if they played there? We know San Francisco’s lineup would be collectively below the Mendoza line.

Michele Bachmann accused President Obama of having “choot-spa.” Really? Isn’t “choot-spa” what angry gun-toting women do in Texas when they are unhappy with their mani-pedis?

Congratulations to Trevor Bauer, the former UCLA pitcher and Diamondbacks draft pick for winning the “Golden Spikes Award.” The award is given annually to the best amateur baseball player. Many were disappointed it didn’t go to a member of the Houston Astros.

Five ‎ North Korean womens soccer players tested positve for steroids. According to ESPN, the delegation told FIFA the steroids were accidentally taken with traditional Chinese medicines based on musk deer glands to treat players who had been struck by lightning. And a number of MLB and NFL players said “Damn, why didn’t we think of that?”

Soccer headline? (and more Sanford)

June 29, 2009

Headline after the U.S. Soccer Team lost a 2-0 lead and the game to Brazil?

Brazil waxes U.S. in second half?


Of course, in the battle for South American bragging rights, Brazil says they took down the U.S. soccer team, Argentina says, big deal, we took down a U.S. Governor.


In losing again to the Yankees on Sunday night, the Mets managed to walk Mariano Rivera – in his THIRD career at-bat- with the bases loaded. Walking a closer with the bases loaded? Might be the most embarassing move in sports not involving the Stanford band.


Much has been made of the fact that beers at the new Citi Field are cheaper than beers at Yankee stadium. Though to be fair, at this point the Mets say its for medicinal reasons.


So now we’ve had Senator Ensign confessing an affair with a campaign worker, and Governor Sanford confessing an affair with a television reporter. Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon are thrilled. And Jay Leno is thinking, “hey, can the next idiot wait to be caught until September?”


Dick Cheney still maintains waterboarding is not torture. He did, however, state after watching Governor Sanford’s apology that forcing prisoners to watch the speech in its entirety might be a violation of the Geneva convention.

Al Sharpton said “Michael Jackson wasn’t a freak, he was a genius.”

Actually, Al, it wasn’t necessarily an either/or question.

Theme song for Governor Sanford?

June 25, 2009

My suggestion for a theme song for formerly missing South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford? “Don’t cry for me, I’m in Argentina.”


Or possibly “Crying for me in Argentina.”


This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republican party, since last week.


I mean, how can you reasonably expect people to believe you confused Appalachia and Argentina? Unless your name is George W. Bush.

And this great follow up from Zev Karlin-Neumann – apparently his advisors told him if he wanted to be President that he needed more experience in foreign affairs.


Just a thought, has anyone told the Republicans that having Presidential aspirations doesn’t mean you have to aspire to be President Clinton.


I’m not sure who will end up with the Republican nomination, but at this point my money’s on someone who’s had prostrate surgery.

President Obama became testy with reporters this week and said that he “did not operate on a 24 hours news cycle.” Former President Bush commented that he agreed, and in fact preferred a mountain bike himself.


Let’s see, Eliot Spitzer, Rod Blagojevich, and now Mark Sanford. It’s hard to believe there was a time when comedy writers looking for material on governors had to settle for them being either a former pro-wrestler or actor.


The U.S. Soccer team upset the top-ranked Spanish team. The last time something this embarrassing happened to Spain, the Armada was involved.


Michael Jordan’s son says he is leaving the University of Illinois basketball team to focus on this studies. The number one response from fellow college basketball players – “What are studies?”

Manny Ramirez continues his rehab assignment in Albuquerque. Apparently the slugger has also been using his suspension to line up more endorsement contracts. Like “First Response.”