Posted tagged ‘Sanford jokes’

How can we miss you if you won’t stay away?

May 7, 2013

So now that Mark Sanford has somehow been returned to Congress, how long until he makes his first “family values” speech?

Another question about South Carolina’s newly re-elected Congressman: Given his his impeachment vote after Bill Clinton lied about HIS affair, how long until Mark Sanford votes to impeach himself?

Sanford said Tuesday before the polls closed that the election was “in the Lord’s hands.” Right, God made him cheat and then put him on the path to redemption so he can go back to Washington and do things like defend traditional marriage.

Chris Christie’s office announced that the Governor, trying to lose weight, has undergone a “Lap-Band” procedure. Although when Bill Clinton called to congratulate him Christie had to explain, “Uh Mr. President, that’s BAND, not DANCE.”

Clarence Thomas said that Barack Obama was “approved by the elites.” Definition of elite – “A group of people considered to be the best in a particular society or category, esp. because of their power, talent, or wealth.” Well, that lets Thomas out.


Turkish Airlines has banned female flight attendants from wearing red lipstick and nail polish. Wonder if anyone thought to extend the ban to male flight attendants?

Alleged Aurora shooter James Holmes has decided to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. It would have been bigger news if his lawyers had tried to say he was sane.

A 16 point lead with 4 minutes to play, and Golden State still lost to the San Antonio Spurs in double OT. That fall to earth was so fast maybe they should be renamed the Golden State Meteors.

Linebacker Matthew Thomas wants Florida State to release him from his scholarship, because “I “didn’t make the decision I really wanted to on signing day.” Thomas now prefers Georgia or USC, saying “I just want to go have fun and play football.” Well, at least he’s not pretending it’s about an education..

#TitusYoung, waived by the Detroit Lions in Feb, was arrested twice Sunday. Who knew Young wanted that badly to be picked up by the Bengals?

Just with the barest details emerging about the alleged monsters who kept the three girls imprisoned for over a decade, one question comes to mind: Where’s a pressure cooker bomb when you need one?

Bill Clinton today called speculation over whether Hillary would run for president in 2016 “the worst expenditure of our time.” Thinking to himself no doubt, “enough about her, let’s talk about me.”

NY Jets owner Woody Johnson is now saying he’s “extremely happy” to have much-maligned QB Geno Smith. Well, he may have a point. If Smith is as big of a jerk as some rumors indicate, it might make Jets fans start seeing the bright side of Mark Sanchez.

From  Bill Littlejohn: 

University of Texas pitcher Cory Knebel tried to help an anonymous teammate out with his team-mandated drug test by giving him his urine sample, but the results came back positive for Adderall.  Talk about a blown save.

Myths and Urban legends…

November 24, 2009

Urban Meyer, coach of the Gators says he wants to dispel rumors he will take the Notre Dame job, and says he is staying at Florida “as long as they’ll have me.”

Or at least until Notre Dame makes him a much better offer…

But really, if Meyer wants millions to coach an overhyped, unachieving team with ridiculously rich backers, he should probably hold out for the Redskins.

The Indian Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, will be visiting President Obama in Washington today, and apparently hoping for evidence that Obama values the “strategic partnership” between the two countries. Especially compared to U.S. relations with China. The short version of Singh’s agenda “Debt, schmebt, want to kiss your tech support goodbye?””

Governor Schwarzenegger announced his appointment of Republican Abel Maldonado as lieutenant governor on the new Jay Leno show. Democrats immediately accused Arnold of trying to slip his choice through while no one was looking.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is facing 37 ethics charges . Yes, 37. Or as they call that in Louisiana, a good start.

37 separate ethics violations for Governor Sanford. Wouldn’t it be simpler for the South Carolina legislature to pass a resolution saying “You’re a scumball, please leave”?

This is President Obama’s first Thanksgiving in Washington, which means he has to officially pardon a turkey. Though many Democrats think believe Obama’s already done enough for Joe Lieberman.

Ah for the good old days, when appealing to your “inner 13 year old” mean the rock band Kiss, and not Twilight.

More about those amazing weekend numbers, over $142 million gross for “The New Moon.” And 80 percent of the audience was women. There were even rumors that of the 20 percent men, about a dozen were actually straight.

Christie’s is auctioning off a first edition of Darwin’s “On the Origin of Species.” They hope the book will fetch at least 60,000 British pounds. Although the number of people buying Sarah Palin’s book has slightly tarnished the theory of human evolution.

Let’s hear it for mercenaries.

September 3, 2009

The following respectfully submitted as possible headlines. After the SF Giants’ $100,000 September rental, Brad Penny, pitched 8 shutout innings and got the win against the Phillies.

(for all those not baseball obsessed, because Penny was waived/cut by the Red Sox, who are paying most of his multi-million dollar salary, and no one picked him up originally, the Giants only have to pay him the major league minimum for the rest of the season, which is actually under $100,000.)

Anyway, the headlines:

So far, worth every Penny.

Who says there’s no value in a Penny?

Not such a bad Penny.

Giants benefit from a Penny saved.

of course, if he loses his next three starts, these all change.

Mark Sanford, once again considering himself unjustly persecuted, is now comparing the ethics attacks on him with those made on Sarah Palin. At least he didn’t refer to Sarah as his “soulmate.”

Curt Schilling, with absolutely no political experience whatsoever, has announced he is interested in Ted Kennedy’s former Senate seat. I believe the correct response is “Put a bloody sock in it.”

You have to wonder, why would Schilling want to join the Senate? Maybe because watching their performance over the past few years, it’s one group where he can be sure that no one is taking anything performance enhancing?

The SF Giants have changed their minds and decided to promote Buster Posey. Guess they figure he can’t do any worse than the minor league hitters they already have in their lineup.

In Brazil, as part of an effort to conserve water, the government has started a campaign to ask people to urinate in the shower. And in the U.S., millions of men have just declared themselves conservationists.

commie pinko joke alert.

Former Monteal Canadiens coach Jacque Demers, a self-described former functional illiterate, has been appointed to the Canadian Senate. Big deal, down in the U.S., we elected a functional illiterate President.

He’s back…. The Governor Sanford show continues.

July 23, 2009

Mark Sanford, trying once again to cast himself in the role of Shakespearean hero.

“While none of us has the chance to attend our own funeral, in many ways I feel like I was at my own in the past weeks..”…

His own funeral? No, actually Mark, that was your wife Jenny’s wishful thinking.

Sanford says now of his affair “it is my belief that this will make me a better father, husband, friend and advocate.” Yeah, what every woman wants to hear…I did it to make us better.

Governor Sanford is leaving South Carolina again today for yet another personal trip, his fourth in six weeks, this time a two-week family vacation in Europe. While the state unemployment rate is high, is the best way to show empathy to become a nonworking governor?

In a recent poll, Jon Stewart was voted the most trusted newscaster in America, in a match up against Brian Williams, Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson. This is shocking, there are actually 55 percent of Americans who trust the other guys? (and gal.)

But yes, it’s come to this. When you watch Jon Stewart, at least you do feel like “that’s the way it f**king is.”

Some Republicans are still questioning Obama’s birth certificate. Okay, fine, let’s admit it, President Obama was not born in Hawaii. As a baby he was sent here by his father Jor-El in an escape rocket from the Planet Krypton.

The lowly Oakland As won 16-1 against the Minnesota Twins. 16 runs. As the San Francisco Giants call that…a good week.

ESPN has banned New York Post reporters from their programming after the newspaper reproduced grainy (and partially blacked out) images from the illegal video taken of a nude Erin Andrews. Said the Post in response, “We would never try to exploit the situation and by the way, that’s”

You think you had a rough Monday?

July 7, 2009

You think you had a rough Monday. How’d you like to be a guy coming home to his wife who actually did spend the long weekend doing a solo hike on the Appalachian trail.

And okay, maybe I’m biased. But it does seem bizarre – Manny Ramirez gets a ton of adulation for returning to his MLB team from a 50 game suspension for a female fertility drug. And Candace Parker barely makes the news for returning to her WNBA team less than 50 days after having an actual baby.

Any truth to the rumor this was Al Franken’s first statement on being finally seated in the Senate?

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people elected me.”

Have you tried the new Sarah Palin cocktail. Russian vodka over ice with bitters and a garnish of sour grapes. Potentially powerful, but you want to quit half way through.

The San Francisco Giants are eager to move beyond the Bonds era into a time when all their top stars are not only good players but also are good role models to encourage children to play fair.

And to further cement that image the Giants are encouraging all their fans to get behind Pablo Sandoval by voting early and often..

Baseball, Sarah Palin, and other bizarre stories.

July 4, 2009

So the San Francisco Giants have three Cy Young winners (Randy Johnson, Barry Zito and Tim Lincecum) on their team. Plus a likely future winner in Matt Cain. And their best starting pitcher over the last week has been… Ryan Sadowski?!!

(for non hardcore baseball fans, 26 year old rookie, 2 starts, 2 wins, O runs.)

With all these adoring fans cheering Manny Ramirez’s return, will this baseball season in Los Angeles be subtitled “How I learned to stop worrying and love the asterisk?”

And for those who find the Ramirez story is too heavy a dose of reality, and that Mark Sanford isn’t bizarre enough, thank you Sarah Palin.

But give soon-to-be former Governor Palin credit for a good sense of timing. Her rambling, disjointed resignation wasn’t even the most embarrassing speech given by a Governor this week.

Sarah Palin said in her speech “you have to know when to pass the ball.” And Kobe Bryant responded, “Not exactly.”

So what made Sarah Palin decide to step down? Not like the job has been taking up that much of her time lately. Seems like she has racked up more frequent flier miles than any Governor not named Sanford.

Sarah Palin is actually stepping down with over a year and a half left on her term. Hard to say who was more disappointed? Her remaining fans, or folks in California and South Carolina that it wasn’t THEIR governor.

Questions for Manny.

July 1, 2009

Manny Ramirez will face many questions from the media when he returns from his female fertility drug suspension on Friday. Which is okay, as Manny has a question for them too – “Does this uniform make me look fat?”

Okay, it’s their national sport, but even so, in a recent poll only 29 percent of Canadians correctly identified the Montreal Canadians as the last team from Canada to win the Stanley Cup.

But to be fair, Canadian schools really don’t teach much ancient history.

So let’s see, a rambling weepy confessional, way too much sexual detail, and an over-the-top romantic view of a part-time secret relationship. Are we sure Governor Sanford shouldn’t be tested for female fertility drugs?

Mark Sanford says his affair with “Maria” was not about sex, it was a “forbidden, tragic, love story.” Forget the West Wing, this Governor is thinking for “West Side Story.”

Regarding that “forbidden, tragic love story”, can we start referring to him as “Governor Zhivago?

The Red Sox blew a 10-1 lead Tuesday night and lost to the Orioles 11-10. Boston hasn’t seen a sports-related collapse like that since John Kerry was photographed windsurfing.

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. On the bright side for Bernie, by the time he gets out, Brett Favre may have finally decided about retirement.

And okay, let’s hear it for the winners in the “Which gets decided first – the Minnesota Senate race, or the Vikings’ starting quarterback?” contest?

A politician’s best friend?

June 30, 2009

A teenager was turned away from a flight to South America in Miami because his golden retriever had chewed up his passport, making it unreadable.

Which means had Mark Sanford only had a dog, he might still be a legitimate presidential candidate for 2012

Daniel Radliffe, the 19-year-old star of “Harry Potter”, says he prefers dating older women, because they are less work. Not to mention that dating “women” younger than him is generally at least a misdemeanor.

Yao Ming has a serious foot injury that could mean the end of his NBA career. Besides being a star player, Yao actually has done his part for global warming. By assuring that instead of being shipped thousands of miles, many more NBA souvenirs have been sold in their country of origin.

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. Which is appropriate, it’s over 1000 in dog years.

Rudy Giuliani says he is thinking of running for Governor of New York. Well, with three wives, who has more experience with family values?

New bumper sticker in South Carolina?

“It’s 10pm, do you know where your governor is?”

And when Sanford finally leaves office, whether by resignation or term limit, will the band play “Happy Trails?”

Soccer headline? (and more Sanford)

June 29, 2009

Headline after the U.S. Soccer Team lost a 2-0 lead and the game to Brazil?

Brazil waxes U.S. in second half?

Of course, in the battle for South American bragging rights, Brazil says they took down the U.S. soccer team, Argentina says, big deal, we took down a U.S. Governor.

In losing again to the Yankees on Sunday night, the Mets managed to walk Mariano Rivera – in his THIRD career at-bat- with the bases loaded. Walking a closer with the bases loaded? Might be the most embarassing move in sports not involving the Stanford band.

Much has been made of the fact that beers at the new Citi Field are cheaper than beers at Yankee stadium. Though to be fair, at this point the Mets say its for medicinal reasons.

So now we’ve had Senator Ensign confessing an affair with a campaign worker, and Governor Sanford confessing an affair with a television reporter. Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon are thrilled. And Jay Leno is thinking, “hey, can the next idiot wait to be caught until September?”

Dick Cheney still maintains waterboarding is not torture. He did, however, state after watching Governor Sanford’s apology that forcing prisoners to watch the speech in its entirety might be a violation of the Geneva convention.

Al Sharpton said “Michael Jackson wasn’t a freak, he was a genius.”

Actually, Al, it wasn’t necessarily an either/or question.

Weekend musings

June 27, 2009

So Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa had an affair with an anchorwoman, John Edwards had an affair with a documentary filmmaker, and now apparently Governor Mark Sanford’s “Maria” is a television reporter. Sort of puts a whole new spin on media relations, doesn’t it?

Friday night Lou Piniella told Milton Bradley to take his uniform and go home after yet another tantrum by the mercurial outfield. Today, the Cubs manager apologized for the remarks he made afterwards in the dugout. Allegedly Paniella said “You’re not a ballplayer, you’re a piece of ****.” Guess he thinks he might have been wrong about the ballplayer part.

The NFL pre-season starts in less than seven weeks, on Aug 13. Fans in Washington wonder if that will be before or after the Nationals are officially eliminated from playoff contention.

Miller Park, home of the Milwaukee Brewers, sustained flooding in its service area this week resulting in moderate damage to some concession and promotional items.
No word if rain entered and watered down the beer supply. Of course, it being Miller, fans wouldn’t notice.

Manny Ramirez continued his rehab assignment Saturday by hitting against single A pitching at Lake Elsinore. I guess the Dodgers figured that was the best possible preparation for his rejoining the team and facing the San Diego Padres staff next weekend.

Luckiest man in the world..

June 26, 2009

What an incredible news day. First Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson. Which makes the luckiest man in the world- Mark Sanford

You have to feel sorry for someone at the Los Angeles Clippers’ headquarters. Who figured this morning, okay, Manny Ramirez is still down in Albuquerque, there haven’t been any new USC scandals this week, there’s no reality show finale….okay TODAY, with the first pick in the NBA draft we are going to dominate the front page..

Speaking of the NBA draft, okay, in the grand scheme of things this is trivial, but how would you like to be advertisers who had spent a ton of money today for spots on ESPN during the NBA draft. Which started about 1 hour after Jackson’s death was announced.

Although, okay, if they took a poll of Americans and asked which recent story they might have preferred Jackson’s death to eclipse on all the news channels, about 90 percent would have probably said “Jon and Kate.”

But note to any younger readers of this blog, if you ever hear people talking about the days when there were only a few channels, and on a major news day everything was the same, today might have been the closet you got to seeing that. I think even QVC was selling Thriller CDs.

And back to mundane sports, for anyone who thinks the boss is throwing a tough challenge their way over the weekend, how about being the starting pitcher for Single A Rancho Cucamanga Saturday, and finding out you get to face Manny Ramirez?

Though about this 50 game suspension, for the last two weeks Ramirez gets to play against AAA and A teams, with sellout crowds rooting for him. And people thought Martha Stewarts end of term sentence to house arrest with an electronic ankle monitor was light?

Brandon Jennings, who skipped college to play in Europe, announced he would skip the New York NBA ceremony and media “green room” during the draft. Instead, he said he would watch it with his family. Jennings denied it had anything to do with the fact his stock had been dropped lately.. But when he was drafted 10th, Brandon changed his mind and came over to Madison Square Garden.

Well, the young man may not be the next Michael Jordan, but he is well on his way to being the next Brett Favre.

Theme song for Governor Sanford?

June 25, 2009

My suggestion for a theme song for formerly missing South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford? “Don’t cry for me, I’m in Argentina.”

Or possibly “Crying for me in Argentina.”

This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republican party, since last week.

I mean, how can you reasonably expect people to believe you confused Appalachia and Argentina? Unless your name is George W. Bush.

And this great follow up from Zev Karlin-Neumann – apparently his advisors told him if he wanted to be President that he needed more experience in foreign affairs.

Just a thought, has anyone told the Republicans that having Presidential aspirations doesn’t mean you have to aspire to be President Clinton.

I’m not sure who will end up with the Republican nomination, but at this point my money’s on someone who’s had prostrate surgery.

President Obama became testy with reporters this week and said that he “did not operate on a 24 hours news cycle.” Former President Bush commented that he agreed, and in fact preferred a mountain bike himself.

Let’s see, Eliot Spitzer, Rod Blagojevich, and now Mark Sanford. It’s hard to believe there was a time when comedy writers looking for material on governors had to settle for them being either a former pro-wrestler or actor.

The U.S. Soccer team upset the top-ranked Spanish team. The last time something this embarrassing happened to Spain, the Armada was involved.

Michael Jordan’s son says he is leaving the University of Illinois basketball team to focus on this studies. The number one response from fellow college basketball players – “What are studies?”

Manny Ramirez continues his rehab assignment in Albuquerque. Apparently the slugger has also been using his suspension to line up more endorsement contracts. Like “First Response.”