Posted tagged ‘Mark Sanford jokes’

Broken family values

September 13, 2014

Mark Sanford has broken off his engagement to his Argentinian fiancee. So did he tell her “Happy Trails”?


Or did he tell her to take a hike?



Los Angeles Dodgers’ pitcher Hyun-Jin  left Fridays’  game against the  ‪#‎SFGiants‬ after the first inning with shoulder irritation. Did he hurt it twisting around watching ‪#‎Giants‬ run bases?

This isn’t an ‪#‎NFL‬ season, it’s a remake of “The Longest Yard” ‪#‎RayRice‬ ‪#‎AdrianPeterson‬ ‪#‎RayMcDonald‬

Roger Goodell  has been so focused on making it a No Fun League when maybe he should have been focused on having a No Felons League . ‪ #NFL

So how long until Bud Selig and MLB start marketing baseball as “the sport where only baseballs get hit.”?

In a new survery, 55% of Americans said they do not believe Roger Goodell’s statement that “to his knowledge, no one in the league offices saw the video of the incident until Monday.” 21% had no opinion and 24% believe him. And somewhere in Nigeria princes are salivating over that 24%.

My friend Alex B. points out that as of yesterday, still had Ladies’ Ray Rice Baltimore Ravens Jerseys on sale through their website. Now there’s a potential Christmas gift that could make a vacuum cleaner look sensitive by comparison.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, seeking treatment for a tumor, has withdrawn his re-election bid for mayor. Hoping he recovers. But it’s already tragic news, for comedy writers.

The Orioles’ Chris Davis was suspended 25 games for using amphetamines, He says “I made a mistake by taking Adderall. I had permission to use it in the past, but do not have a therapeutic use exemption this year.” But the MLB drug agreement only results in followup testing for the 1st stimulant violation, the 2nd brings the suspension. And Davis still couldn’t figure out a way to get a new exemption? The 25 games is as much for stupidity as drugs.

Oscar Pistorius was at least found guilty of “culpable homicide” in the shooting death of his girlfriend, (the equivalent of voluntary manslaughter.)    Although no doubt some think “If only the young woman had been armed.”

You are asleep and you wake up because you hear a scary noise. What’s the first thing you do if you are married or in a relationship where you share a bed? Uh, look over to your partner to say “did you hear that?” Maybe wake them up. But nobody doesn’t even look. Even Los Angeles juries have to be shaking their heads on the Pistorius trial.


A major investor claims that Olive Garden servers need to cut down on bringing out free breadsticks, because “after sitting just 7 minutes, the breadsticks deteriorate in quality.” Bringing to mind the question, “How low can you go?”


From Bill Littlejohn  “Looks like former FBI Chief Robert S. Mueller III is gathering people from all about to run a spread offense against Roger Goodell, the NFL, and what appears to be a Cover 4 Defense..”

How can we miss you if you won’t stay away?

May 7, 2013

So now that Mark Sanford has somehow been returned to Congress, how long until he makes his first “family values” speech?

Another question about South Carolina’s newly re-elected Congressman: Given his his impeachment vote after Bill Clinton lied about HIS affair, how long until Mark Sanford votes to impeach himself?

Sanford said Tuesday before the polls closed that the election was “in the Lord’s hands.” Right, God made him cheat and then put him on the path to redemption so he can go back to Washington and do things like defend traditional marriage.

Chris Christie’s office announced that the Governor, trying to lose weight, has undergone a “Lap-Band” procedure. Although when Bill Clinton called to congratulate him Christie had to explain, “Uh Mr. President, that’s BAND, not DANCE.”

Clarence Thomas said that Barack Obama was “approved by the elites.” Definition of elite – “A group of people considered to be the best in a particular society or category, esp. because of their power, talent, or wealth.” Well, that lets Thomas out.


Turkish Airlines has banned female flight attendants from wearing red lipstick and nail polish. Wonder if anyone thought to extend the ban to male flight attendants?

Alleged Aurora shooter James Holmes has decided to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. It would have been bigger news if his lawyers had tried to say he was sane.

A 16 point lead with 4 minutes to play, and Golden State still lost to the San Antonio Spurs in double OT. That fall to earth was so fast maybe they should be renamed the Golden State Meteors.

Linebacker Matthew Thomas wants Florida State to release him from his scholarship, because “I “didn’t make the decision I really wanted to on signing day.” Thomas now prefers Georgia or USC, saying “I just want to go have fun and play football.” Well, at least he’s not pretending it’s about an education..

#TitusYoung, waived by the Detroit Lions in Feb, was arrested twice Sunday. Who knew Young wanted that badly to be picked up by the Bengals?

Just with the barest details emerging about the alleged monsters who kept the three girls imprisoned for over a decade, one question comes to mind: Where’s a pressure cooker bomb when you need one?

Bill Clinton today called speculation over whether Hillary would run for president in 2016 “the worst expenditure of our time.” Thinking to himself no doubt, “enough about her, let’s talk about me.”

NY Jets owner Woody Johnson is now saying he’s “extremely happy” to have much-maligned QB Geno Smith. Well, he may have a point. If Smith is as big of a jerk as some rumors indicate, it might make Jets fans start seeing the bright side of Mark Sanchez.

From  Bill Littlejohn: 

University of Texas pitcher Cory Knebel tried to help an anonymous teammate out with his team-mandated drug test by giving him his urine sample, but the results came back positive for Adderall.  Talk about a blown save.

Wanna get away?

April 3, 2013

The Carnival Triumph, which was being repaired in Mobile, Ala after breaking down in February, has apparently broke loose Wednesday from its moorings. Maybe after all the coverage on CNN the ship just wanted to go away and hide.

Now that Mark Sanford is engaged to the woman he had an affair with, have to figure the chance of her letting him go hiking alone are about the same as Kobe Bryant’s wife suggesting he order room service.

Mark Sanford, who won the GOP primary for the House special election in South Carolina, has apologized to voters over his lies and affair. Wonder if he’s also issued an apology to Bill Clinton.

Dallas Mavericks’ owner Mark Cuban said that he’d draft Britney Griner and give her a chance to make the team. Hey, compared to most of the men in the NBA she’d whine less and pass more.

Not that any of my readers would have been upset, but two Florida DJs have been suspended after a number of listeners freaked out and called the Lee County water office because of an April Fool’s joke. Which was telling listeners that “dihydrogen monoxide” was coming out of their taps…..

Jay Leno has made it official, he is leaving the Tonight Show permanently. And somewhere Brett Favre is just giggling.

Okay, Dodgers and Giants fans, Clayton Kershaw and Madison Bumgarner have both had great starts, but when it comes to ESPN showing the pitcher of the week, guessing Yu’s on first.

Rutgers fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice after tapes of him being abusive to players in practice were aired on ESPN. Originally Rutgers’ AD had just suspended the coach, but changed their mind due to public outrage, that and Rice not getting the team into March Madness.

My friend Ed Murrell pointed out that the Houston Astros struck out 43 times in their three games with Texas. Maybe it’s part of a cost-saving plan to reduce the number of broken bats?

Nice home run from Panda Sandoval. But this is not going to do much for the SF Giants’ “tell Panda he HAS to diet now” plan.

Sometimes best contracts are the ones you don’t sign. Remember the controversy when #SF Giants chose not to lock up #Lincecum long term?

A new report alleges that Auburn’s football program paid money to stars to stay in school and bypass the NFL draft, and changed players’ grades to keep them eligible before the 2011 BCS championship game. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

Former Major League Baseball catcher Mike Piazza has announced he will be playing the role of a gangster in a production by the Miami City Ballet. Well, that ought to take care of the gay rumors.

After being turned down by Shaka Smart, Flip Saunders and Mick Cronin, Minnesota has hired Rick Pitino’s son Richard as their new men’s basketball coach. Can’t wait for the press conference where the Gophers announce how thrilled they were that their fourth choice accepted the job. –

Oscar Pistorius’s agent says Pistorius wants to train again, adding “it was clear and evident it’s going to take some time for him (to be ready to compete),” Van Zyl said. ”He’s trying to process this whole ordeal.” “I feel so sorry for him,” said absolutely no one.

From Jim Barach:   “The Associated Press has dropped the term “illegal immigrant” from their stylebook. The question is, when will they also eliminate other antiquated terms like “congressional ethics”?”

The Super Bowl, Oscars and other hype…

February 3, 2010

The NFL’s greed knows no bounds. The league has ordered local New Orleans vendors to stop selling shirts with the Saints slogan. Now they will now be fining the Super Bowl’s major halftime act, and ordering them to cover their name. After all, the band is trying to use half the phrase “Who Dat.”

Besides this being Super Bowl Weekend,, Nascar is having the oddly-named “Budweiser Shootout” at Daytona International Speedway Saturday. Who’s going to waive the checkered flag, Gilbert Arenas?

Carrie Underwood will sing the National Anthem for the Super Bowl. Apparently Carrie’s enough of a football fan that when the league asked her last December, she realized it was one time she’d be sure not to have to watch her ex – Tony Romo.

The Oscar nominations came out today, including two for “The Blind Side.” Many Oscar watchers were shocked, two nominees for a sports drama and no acting nomination for “I didn’t take steroids to hit home runs” by Mark McGwire?

“The Blind Side” is the highest grossing football movie of all time. Although those who haven’t seen the movie actually think it’s the answer to a question. “Whose side is Congress on in this healthcare debate?”

New York Jets Rex Ryan was fined $50,000 for making the “finger” sign at a mixed martial arts event last weekend. But in Ryan’s defense, after coaching in New York for a while, he figured it was the Jets’ fans equivalent of a victory sign.

Rahm Emmanuel apologized after Sarah Palin called him out for referring to some liberal Democrats as “f*****g retarded.” He said he should have referred to them as “Palin-esque”

Jenny Sanford says her soon-to-be-ex-husband Mark asked her for advice during his affair, wondering “if he should follow his heart to Argentina and if he would live a life of regret if he didn’t?” That’s it, John Edwards, while a favorite, is no longer a lock to win worst husband of the year.

Actually it really was amazing to read in Jenny’s book that her husband actually asked if he should leave her for the mistress he felt he was in love with…. One would expect to read such a statement posthumously at her murder trial.

Baseball, Sarah Palin, and other bizarre stories.

July 4, 2009

So the San Francisco Giants have three Cy Young winners (Randy Johnson, Barry Zito and Tim Lincecum) on their team. Plus a likely future winner in Matt Cain. And their best starting pitcher over the last week has been… Ryan Sadowski?!!

(for non hardcore baseball fans, 26 year old rookie, 2 starts, 2 wins, O runs.)

With all these adoring fans cheering Manny Ramirez’s return, will this baseball season in Los Angeles be subtitled “How I learned to stop worrying and love the asterisk?”

And for those who find the Ramirez story is too heavy a dose of reality, and that Mark Sanford isn’t bizarre enough, thank you Sarah Palin.

But give soon-to-be former Governor Palin credit for a good sense of timing. Her rambling, disjointed resignation wasn’t even the most embarrassing speech given by a Governor this week.

Sarah Palin said in her speech “you have to know when to pass the ball.” And Kobe Bryant responded, “Not exactly.”

So what made Sarah Palin decide to step down? Not like the job has been taking up that much of her time lately. Seems like she has racked up more frequent flier miles than any Governor not named Sanford.

Sarah Palin is actually stepping down with over a year and a half left on her term. Hard to say who was more disappointed? Her remaining fans, or folks in California and South Carolina that it wasn’t THEIR governor.

Mark Sanford – the Governor King?

June 26, 2009

In the latest installment of the “Not so Young and the Restless,” aka the Mark Sanford story, the Governor is comparing himself to King David. Although maybe Sanford should have read his Bible more carefully. At the time the King saw Bathsheba in the bath, he already had eight other wives, along with concubines. Not to mention that little matter of having Bathsheba’s husband murdered.

And while Sanford is studying up on his Bible, he can learn this line he apparently missed in the past – John 8-7. “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone…”

Other potential royal titles for Sanford – The Lyin’ King, or King Leer?

It’s not even 2010 and the potential Republican Presidential candidates for 2012 are dropping like flies, or rather, their flies are dropping.

Hard to believe, but if this keeps up the Republican party may look back on this decade and realize their least embarrassing presidential candidate might end up being George W. Bush.

Much has changed in the 27 years since Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” videos revolutionized the music industry. But watching all the public tributes in the streets, it’s clear one thing hasn’t changed – white people still can’t moonwalk.

All this Michael Jackson coverage really has consumed most of the American media’s attention these days. Which was frustrating for all the fans trying to follow Thursday’s NBA draft, and both fans trying to follow Friday’s NHL draft.

Does he know something about global warming we don’t? Ricky Rubio says one reason he doesn’t want to sign with Minnesota, is that his mother doesn’t like cold weather. So he wants to sign with the Knicks?

Another from Bill Littlejohn.

Ryan Leaf surrendered to authorities after having several outstanding warrants for his arrest. This might be the first time Leaf and “outstanding” have been used in the same sentence since he left Washington State.