Posted tagged ‘Oscar jokes’

Well, it wasn’t on the warning label….

February 27, 2013

A woman was only slightly injured in Florida after she tried to preheat an oven where her friend had stored a magazine from his Glock. And when the heated magazine exploded. Forget background checks for gun owners, maybe we need to start with IQ tests.

A thought about former Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, who just died at the age of 96, was a conservative evangelical Christian. But he supported condoms and sex education in schools to help stop the spread of AIDS. These days some in the GOP would have called for his recall.

Lindsay Lohan’s new lawyer is in trouble for sending a letter to the Santa Monica and L.A. City Attorneys claiming he is working with the prosecutor to “fix” Lindsay. “Fix Lindsay Lohan?” It would be easier to turn this into a bipartisan session of Congress.

N.J. Gov. Chris Christie today became the eighth GOP Governor who, while decrying Obamacare, decided he would accept the portion that expands Medicaid to more low-income adults in his state. So should we start a pool on who will be ninth?  (Or as my friend Linda asks, “who will be last?”)

Angels’ manager Mike Scioscia says he’s not worried about the apparent 10-15 extra pounds Mike Trout packed on in the offseason. The young man after all is still only about half a Panda.

Miss Delaware Teen USA, who just turned 18, has given up her crown after she was reportedly seen in a sex video. On the brighter side, the precocious young woman could be named an honorary Kardashian.

The California Legislative Women’s Caucus  formally complained Wednesday to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences that Seth MacFarlane’s Oscar hosting “struck a new low in its treatment of women.”    Uh oh, has anyone warned these folks about that “50 Shades” moving coming out?

(And I realize not all my women friends will agree with me here, but come on, Seth MacFarlane, what did they EXPECT?  Especially if any one’s seen “Family Guy.”  Maybe he should have also done a reprise of the SNL skit “D*ck in a box.”)

Another Oscar thought from Alex Kaseberg:  ” The Oscar show was so long, during the broadcast, Taylor Swift dated a guy, broke up with him, and then wrote and recorded a song about what a jerk he was before it was over.”

From my funny friend Jim Barach,  (this one’s for my son, Carey Schwartz.) :   “Scientists say that Mars may still be inhabitable today. After all, look at how many people are still living in New Jersey.”

And the winners were…

February 25, 2013

As Johnny Carson once said as Oscar host    “this is the night we honor movies And what happens? Millions of people watching televison. No one in the movie theaters.”

 

Anyone else think “We Saw Your Boobs” is a better Oscar song than “It’s Tough Out There for a Pimp?”

 

Still a lot of talk Monday morning about Seth MacFarlane’s “We Saw Your Boobs” song last night at the Oscars. Not to be confused with C-Span, which is “We See You Boobs.”

Not sure about all the music at this year’s Oscars. But that Jaws music cue has potential for political speeches.

The shoemaker’s children…. women who just won for hair styling and makeup might have had the worst hair and makeup of the night.

One of the most amusing things about the Oscar ceremony…. how some of these actresses can be wearing clothes that cost more than an average American’s average salary, and still look like they didn’t get dressed in front of a mirror.

Jane Fonda, 75, looks better than many actresses half her age. Maybe that commie-pinko youth is good for you.

 

Now that Anne Hathaway has won her #Oscar maybe she can grow her hair out again and eat something?

 

In Benedict’ XVI’s last Sunday address in St. Peter’s Square the Pope said he was following God’s wishes by stepping down. “Why didn’t I think of that?” said Sarah Palin.

 

A “crippling, historic blizzard” has the National Weather Service in Amarillo, Texas posting “DO NOT TRAVEL” on its website. Maybe Mother Nature isn’t too pleased about Governor Perry’s trying to talk businesses into leaving California for Texas.

Kim Kardashian’s baby daddy, Kanye West on Saturday: “The Grammys can suck my d–k.” And he’s supposed to be the classier of the two future parents.

 

Fauja Singh, 101, finished the Hong Kong marathon’s 10k today, in 1 hour, 32 minutes, and says it is his last race. “Quitting so young?” responded Brett Favre.

 

Oakland Raiders’ DT Desmond Bryant, a Harvard graduate, has been jailed in Miami on a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief. Who says Ivy League graduates never fit in in the NFL?

Yahoo has upset many employees by telling them they can no longer telecommute starting in June, a change which is particularly hard on working parents. This is the kind of thing that wouldn’t happen if you had more women running companies…. Oops, never mind.

Oscar/Daytona Eve

February 24, 2013

It’s apt that the Oscars happen just a few weeks before March madness. Millions of Americans can pretend to care about movies they’ve never seen, right before rooting for college basketball teams they’ve never heard of.

The Daytona 500 infield… whitest crowd I’ve seen since watching a Mitt Romney rally.

As far as predictions, forget “Best Picture.” What many people really wonder  – Who is Seth MacFarlane most likely to offend?

A spectacular crash at the end of the Nationwide race at Daytona injured 28 fans as debris flew into the stands. Forget Danica Patrick. Replayed footage of the whole mess may be what really gets many casual fans to turn into the Daytona 500 tomorrow.

The U.S. Department of Justice announced they have joined the whistle-blower lawsuit against cyclist Lance Armstrong. Hey, if they win enough maybe we can keep post office delivery on Saturdays.

Manti T’eo about the media circus surrounding him at the NFL combine “It’s pretty crazy.” Uh, yeah, Manti, that’s exactly America thinks of your story.

Great sign of impending Spring in the San Francisco Bay Area: Jon Miller doing play-by-play on the radio.

So now that 2013 Spring Training has started, how long until Cubs fans break out their “Wait until 2014” t-shirts?

Los Angeles’s Cardinal Mahony says he has been “scapegoated” in the priest abuse scandal and that “Jesus was painted with the same brush as the two thieves crucified with him.” Next he’ll complain that people aren’t getting the church’s message of personal responsibility.

My friend Melodi says “At least Pope Benedict can’t claim he’s retiring to spend more time with his family.”

Steve Nash, Mike D’Antoni and Dwight Howard stood behind Kobe Bryant’s guarantee that the Los Angeles Lakers will make the playoffs. Well, what are they supposed to say, we’ve all booked our Hawaii vacations for the first weekend of the playoffs?

What would have been a bigger surprise before last season – that Barry Zito  has been announced as starting the Giants home opener? Or that SF fans are actually happy about it?

Friday night was the 33rd anniversary of the “Miracle on Ice” hockey victory against the Soviet Union. Many hockey fans don’t remember the game. But many more may be asking “What’s the ‘Soviet Union?”

Oscars and other statues

February 28, 2011

Not that all of them aren’t attractive but “Oscar’s”  forehead really isn’t any less movable than many attending actresses.

On the other hand,  the Academy Awards are the biggest event where the prize is an immovable statue since the 1992 NBA draft, when the first pick was  Shaquille O’Neal.

Celine Dion singing “Smile” for “In Memoriam” section of the Oscars. A nice effort, but doesn’t the U.S. have a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

Say what you will about Kirk Douglas. He was much more articulate than either Paula Abdul or Sarah Palin.

“The Social Network” won for “Best Original Score.”

So many Academy voters are in their 60s, you have to figure the number of them who really know what Facebook is about equaled the number of Zuckerberg’s contemporaries who know what an “Original Score.”

In fact, I would wager that more many Facebook” users of Zuckerberg’s generation, the first thing they think of with “original score” is their first hookup of the evening.

Augie points out about the “PG-13ing” of “The King’s Speech,”  -“How hypocritical. Every single F’ing expletive used today has an English derivative. What’s next? No F-bombs in baseball? ”

And yeah, what’s next indeed?  No one under 17 within hearing distance of the batter’s box and the pitcher’s mound?  My lip reading isn’t perfect, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t “Gosh’s” and “Golly’s” and “Drat it’s” coming out of ballplayers’ mouths when things go badly.

Catty corner:  On the subject of Oscar hair – what wind tunnel did Annette Benning use to style hers?  And note to Scarlett Johansson – if you don’t have time to have your hair done, it’s not a bad idea just to brush it.

Cattiness is not just about women being bitchy towards other women. To whit: Okay, there were a lot of actresses on the red carpet Sunday night with awful hairstyles (or a lack thereof.) But gentlemen, do you think being nominated or asked to present an award just MIGHT have been reason enough to shave?

One actress who somehow missed both an Oscar and Razzie (“saluting the worst Hollywood has to offer”) nomination – Lindsay Lohan.   Despite all her performances as someone who might actually be making a serious effort at getting her sh*t together.

Frank Buckles, the last surviving WWI veteran, died today at the age of 110. His greatest regret? That he didn’t live to see that “nice young man” John McCain become president.

For anyone who doesn’t believe that there are hierarchies of karma –   I give you tonight’s NBA  final from Miami –  The new look Carmelo Anthony New York Knicks – – 91, the semi-new look Lebron James led Miami Heat – 86.

Thrice-married Newt Gingrich is about to announce his run for President. Guess he thinks who better to defend “family values,” than someone who’s had so many of them?

Oscar Eve?

February 27, 2011

It’s the night before the Oscars –  which means that in Hollywood, all the nominated women who can still move their foreheads are practicing looking surprised.

The King’s Speech” will apparently be re-released by the Weinstein Company with a PG-13 rating instead of the original R. Presumably this new version will leave out or adjust one scene in which the future King strings together a series of f-bombs. WTF?!

But really, any kid old enough to be intrigued and/or interested by “the King’s Speech” is probably old enough to have heard more swearing on the school playground at recess.

Theme song of this year’s NCAA basketball season? “Another #1 bites the dust.” (Tonight, Duke, 60-64 to Virginia.)

President Obama has appointed Jeremy Barnard as the first male (and openly gay) White House Social Secretary. It’s about time – State dinners in the past have sometimes been successful, but they are about to become Fabulous!

Cam Newton refused to discuss any of his college problems in a recent interview, saying “”What I did in the past is in the past.” Who knew, whatever disease Mark McGwire has, it’s clearly contagious..

Prices at the pump jumped 17 cents a gallon on average this week in the U.S. This is the biggest increase in the cost of gas since Taco Bell ended their 39 cent taco promotion.

Considering how well Jed Bartlet and George H.W.Bush’s sons turned out, I think both Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are thanking their lucky stars they had daughters.

In Tim Lincecum’s spring training debut, he allowed three runs in the first inning with four straight singles. And Lincecum later confessed to being “nervous.” Hmm, wonder what options a young man in California has for calming his nerves these days?

Kelsey Grammer, 55, married his girlfriend Katye Walsh, 29, this weekend. It’s Grammer’s fourth marriage. At one point it seemed like Kelsey aspired to be one of the greatest comic actors of our era, now it just seems he aspires to be Larry King.

British chef Jamie Oliver, who has been promoting a healthy eating/anti-obesity campaign of his own, heard about Sarah Palin’s criticism of Michelle Obama, and referred to the former Alaska Governor as a “Fruit Loop.”

This prompted an immediate demand for an apology.  From Kellogg’s.

The Hurt Locker and beyond….

March 9, 2010

This year’s best picture winner, “The Hurt Locker” took in only $14 million at the box office. Which I think might be less than taking your family to a game in seats behind home plate at Yankee Stadium.


“The Hurt Locker” took in only $14 million at the box office. Which could mean that more people voted for the movie than actually saw it.


In an effort to increase box-office receipts, there’s a rumor a sequel to the movie may feature some of the original cast along with Barbra Streisand and Robert De Niro – working title “The Hurt Fockers.”

While giving a speech in Calgary, Sarah Palin said that when she was growing up – “We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada. And I think now, isn’t that ironic?” “Ironic?” Not so much. “Hypocritical as hell?” Yes.


ABC and Cablevision settled their disagreement 13 minutes into the Oscars, meaning that Cablevision users got to see almost all the awards show, except for the opening song and dance number, and Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin’s monologue.

But after some discussion, Cablevision decided not to charge customers extra for the omission.


In related news, fans in the greater New York area have asked that any future disputes Cablevision has end up being resolved in a way that blacks out the Knicks.

The Hurt Locker” may have won best picture. In Chicago, however, most people still probably think the title refers to the clubhouse space that gets punched by Ozzie Guillen during his regular tantrums.

Not to be confused with the space that used to belong to Frank Thomas – “The Big Hurt Locker.”

Republican California State Senator Roy Ashburn was arrested for a DUI Saturday after leaving a Sacramento gay bar with a male companion. Ashburn then actually came out Monday and admitted he was gay.

The senator did say, however, that he felt his anti-gay votes had been appropriate, because they simply “reflected his constituents’ wishes.” Yo Roy, your constituents also have wished for increased state services that they didn’t have to pay for with state taxes… Hmm, maybe I’m seeing how California got in this budget mess.


After his admission, Ashburn declined to discuss details of his personal life or his previous votes. You almost expected to hear him say “Well, that was in the past.”


As much as I would like to on this subject I will refrain from making a joke with the punchline… “But he claims he didn’t inhale.”


United Airlines says last month’s winter storms along the East Coast cost it $40 million in revenue. You know what that means – coming soon to your next airline ticket purchase – a “snow surcharge.”


Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner seem to be stopping at nothing in their quest to re-invent themselves as born-again Conservatives to appeal as much as possible to Republican primary voters. Well, at least Californians know that neither of them will attempt to court conservatives by driving on a Nascar track. At this point, both of them seem categorically unable even to hint at turning to the left.

Pre Oscar thoughts….

March 7, 2010

As with every year, while there were some excellent movies and performances nominated, there have also been significant omissions.

For example, in the acting category…why no nominations for…

Mark McGwire – for “I didn’t take steroids to help me hit homeruns.”

Bud Selig, for saying the era of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball is over. (And for taking credit for cleaning it up.)

and a belated award to John Edwards – for renewing his marriage vows on his 30th wedding anniversary, right about the same time he conceived his child with Rielle Hunter.


Or how about Roy Ashburn, California State Senator from Bakersfield, for his performance as a conservative anti-homosexual Christian. (Senator Ashburn is currently on “personal leave” after being arrested for DUI in Sacramento after leaving a gay club with a male companion.)


Americans profess to be getting tired of the Tiger Woods story and many are saying they wish he would just go away. Meanwhile, did you hear who was leading this week’s Honda Classic? Yeah, me neither.


The North Carolina Tarheels capped off their worst regular season in recent memory, losing to Duke 82-50 and finishing 5-11 in the ACC. It’s the most embarrassing story in the state. At least until the next John Edwards sex tape surfaces.


The head of Tennessee’s hospitality association sent an email to a group of public figures comparing Michelle Obama to Tarzan’s chimpanzee friend “Cheeta.” He said it was a joke. But there were better and smarter targets for the “Cheeta” label. Like Mark Sanford and John Edwards.

The Razzie for worst picture of the year went to “Transformers – Revenge of the Fallen.” Sounds like a documentary about all the Republicans who used to love big spending and federal subsidies, but transformed into filibustering deficit hawks when a Democrat took back the White House.

The Super Bowl, Oscars and other hype…

February 3, 2010

The NFL’s greed knows no bounds. The league has ordered local New Orleans vendors to stop selling shirts with the Saints slogan. Now they will now be fining the Super Bowl’s major halftime act, and ordering them to cover their name. After all, the band is trying to use half the phrase “Who Dat.”


Besides this being Super Bowl Weekend,, Nascar is having the oddly-named “Budweiser Shootout” at Daytona International Speedway Saturday. Who’s going to waive the checkered flag, Gilbert Arenas?


Carrie Underwood will sing the National Anthem for the Super Bowl. Apparently Carrie’s enough of a football fan that when the league asked her last December, she realized it was one time she’d be sure not to have to watch her ex – Tony Romo.

The Oscar nominations came out today, including two for “The Blind Side.” Many Oscar watchers were shocked, two nominees for a sports drama and no acting nomination for “I didn’t take steroids to hit home runs” by Mark McGwire?



“The Blind Side” is the highest grossing football movie of all time. Although those who haven’t seen the movie actually think it’s the answer to a question. “Whose side is Congress on in this healthcare debate?”


New York Jets Rex Ryan was fined $50,000 for making the “finger” sign at a mixed martial arts event last weekend. But in Ryan’s defense, after coaching in New York for a while, he figured it was the Jets’ fans equivalent of a victory sign.


Rahm Emmanuel apologized after Sarah Palin called him out for referring to some liberal Democrats as “f*****g retarded.” He said he should have referred to them as “Palin-esque”


Jenny Sanford says her soon-to-be-ex-husband Mark asked her for advice during his affair, wondering “if he should follow his heart to Argentina and if he would live a life of regret if he didn’t?” That’s it, John Edwards, while a favorite, is no longer a lock to win worst husband of the year.


Actually it really was amazing to read in Jenny’s book that her husband actually asked if he should leave her for the mistress he felt he was in love with…. One would expect to read such a statement posthumously at her murder trial.

Who wants to be a slumdog millionaire?

February 23, 2009

Slumdog Millionaire, filmed on a modest budget in Mumbai, was a big winner at the Academy Awards. Now we’re even outsourcing our awards to India.

Actually, in the U.S., plans are afoot for a documentary titled “Slumdog Millionaire.” It’s about several real estate investors who used to be billionaires.

The producers of Slumdog Millionaire brought several of the child actors to the Oscar ceremony. The process, however, wasn’t easy. First they had to work out the travel schedules, then there were the visa issues, and then Angelina Jolie tried to adopt them.

Regarding this year’s Oscar gowns….was the whole production supposed to be a tribute to “the Little Mermaid?”


Former President Clinton has been speaking out and giving a lot of helpful advice to President Obama. Even Joe Biden is saying “Bill, less is more.”

And back to baseball, Los Angeles Dodgers’ general manager says that converations between the team and Manny Ramirez have become “more frequent and longer”, and that while he wouldn’t say it was progress, “we’re just talking much more.”

Is this a contract negotiation or marriage counseling?