Posted tagged ‘Yahoo jokes’

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Rounding third

September 22, 2016

Phillies came from behind and took two-run leads into the bottom of the 9th and the bottom of the 11th against the Mets.  They blew both leads and lost 9-8.    So were the Phils trying  to get the Philadelphia fans in an early booing holiday spirit by the relievers playing Santa Claus?

 

Talking about the #SFGiants needing to find their mojo. Anyway just for a few weeks to lure former third base coach @TimFlannery2 out of retirement?

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The Panthers and VIkings plan still to play this weekend in Charlotte, despite the protests. Panthers LB Thomas Davis: “I look at football as a way to bring people together…I hope people know that violence is not the answer.” Well, off-field violence anyway.

 

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Hear that the Baltimore Orioles are unhappy with average attendance of 19,422 fans in two games against the Boston Red Sox. And the Tampa Bay Rays are thinking “what, did those crowds overwhelm the concessions?”

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San Francisco streets were shut for hours this morning over a “suspicious” object that turned out to be an abandoned empty rice cooker. #fearitselfiswinning

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Open note to Americans thinking of dropping off their old crockpots, rice or pressure cookers at Goodwill, maybe now is not the best time.

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And while we debate ways to keep America safer, a 24 year-old U of Iowa student, Megan Sloss, was fatally shot this weekend. By her older brother, who police say was showing her how to clean a gun when it accidentally discharged. #ifonlyshewasarmed

 

#MarissaMayer knew for some time about a about a 2 yr-old data breach affecting 500 million #Yahoo users.  And she’s probably be terminated soon and get a $44 million severance package . What’s next, running for office on her record of corporate experience?

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Wonder how many #Yahoo users today are changing their passwords to “YahooSucks?”

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In his first speech to the UN this week, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau talked about politicians exploiting anxiety. but in Canadia, “by appealing to people’s better angels, by drawing people together rather than stoking fears and anxieties, we were actually able to create a government that is focused on strengthening the middle class, to allay those fears and anxieties and demonstrate a positive engagement with the world.”
Waiting for Trump to demand a wall on our Northern border, and saying Canada will pay for it.

 

More Justin Trudeau “The point that is so important to emphasize is that what we found in Canada was that people are better than divisive politicians think they are.”
Your move, America.

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Remember when Monday Night Football was a big deal? Now we have Thursday night, along with the weekend. Who’s going to be first with Tuesday or Wednesday Night Football?

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Donald Rumsfeld, 84, says of George H.W. Bush, 92, backing Clinton “He’s up in years.” So what is any serious former defense secretary’s excuse for backing Trump?

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Kathy Miller, one of Donald Trump’s Ohio campaign chairs, in an interview with the Guardian, “If you’re black and you haven’t been successful in the last 50 years, it’s your own fault. You’ve had every opportunity, it was given to you…I don’t think there was any racism until Obama got elected.”
#wearegoingtoneedabiggerbasket

 

Regarding Hillary Clinton on “Between Two Ferns,” I thought she did a good job. Hillary was never going to be the cool mom down drinking with your friends in the basement. But she was going to be the mom who cleaned up the mess and made sure no one ended up in the hospital or arrested.

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Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
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What’s a few zeros…

December 17, 2013

The Mega Millions jackpot, already at $586 million, may reach a billion before Tuesday’s drawing because of lottery fever. Right, because there are so many things you can’t buy for half a billion….

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Marissa Mayer is one of several tech executives scheduled to meet with President Obama Tuesday. Because maybe her changes with Yahoo mail have made the Obamacare website look good by comparison?

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Of course, there’s a good chance Obama wanted to meet with Mayer last month, but his invite got caught in Yahoo mail spam.

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Starting today, San Francisco has free wi-fi on Market Street. Yet another excuse for pedestrians to walk right into traffic,,,,

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A water leak filled a skyway bridge and closed one of the Terminals at San Jose Airport this morning. No word on a re-opening time, but wonder who will be the first airline to institute a pump fee.

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At Harvard, fake bomb threats resulted in the evacuation of some buildings and the cancellation of some final exams. And in the SEC, football players preparing for bowl games asked “What are final exams?”

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Dez Bryant said the reason he left the field early in the Cowboys’ loss to the Packers is that he didn’t want to be seen crying on the sideline. And Dallas fans are thinking “How do you think WE felt?”

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Why should New Jersey have a monopoly on Gubernatorial political comedy? Donald Trump now says he might run for Governor of New York next year.

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Peyton Manning was named SI’s “Sportsman of the Year.”   Now, the Broncos just lost their last game and who knows about the playoffs. But maybe this year’s award should be subtitled “Biggest name star least likely to embarrass himself or get arrested.”

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Ravens-Lions on MNF. Good economic stimulus. Because most of the country said “Meh, let’s go shopping.”

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ESPN says that Nick Saban brought Lane Kiffin to Tuscaloosa to help evaluate the Crimson Tide offense. This could be good news. For Oklahoma.

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–Chip Kelly, rumored to be a candidate for the U Texas head-coaching job, said “It’s just speculation, but I’m not involved in any jobs. I’m the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.” So given past history when Kelly announced he was staying at Oregon it will be about 10 days before he heads to Austin?

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The New Orleans Saints are apparently mulling a change after Garrett Hartley missed another two field goals yesterday. Hey, Morten Andresen is only 53 now!

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A 58 year old SF woman, accused of speeding at over 80 MPH on city streets in her Mercedes-Benz this September, will be charged with felony vehicular manslaughter for crashing into a minivan, and killing a 16-year-old boy. So will there be an adult “affluenza” defense? 
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If it is better to give than receive, then the #DallasCowboys in the second half yesterday were the best team in the #NFL

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Great ending for the Ravens with a 61 yard field goal to win at the end of the 4th quarter. Does this mean Nick Saban is more likely to bolt Alabama for the NFL?

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Rock bottom.

October 21, 2013

The Boy Scouts have removed the 2 men who toppled the ancient rock formation in Utah from their posts as scout leaders. No doubt giving thousands of idiots a good lesson – if you’re going to do something that stupid, don’t put it on YouTube.

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The Houston Texans released rookies Sam Montgomery, Cierre Wood and Willie Jefferson, allegedly for smoking marijuana. Wonder if the three could be picked up by the Seahawks or Broncos?.

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And go figure, smoke pot in the NFL and you get released?  Take steroids and you get suspended a few games but make it back for the playoffs.

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It was pretty clear after four days that people in the SF Bay Area missed #BART a lot more than they missed the federal government.

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The BART strike is over. Now let’s see if both sides can recover from the plague millions of Californians have wished upon their houses.

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So how did the Minnesota Vikings and NY Giants coaches motivate their teams for MNF?    Winner might vault to the top of the BCS standings?

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Jim Leyland is stepping down as the Detroit Tigers’ manager. Wonder if those late-inning relief ALCS pitching meltdowns were the tipping point. If so, guess the Tigers’ won’t be interviewing Dusty Baker.

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Stanford graduate Andrew Luck, after the Colts win over the Broncos yesterday. “We didn’t let the outside sphere of influence creep into the locker room.” Can’t imagine how Luck gets that nerdy reputation.

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The ghost of Russ Hodges: “The Giants win a game, the Giants win a game”

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So when Marissa Mayer changed the work at home policy at Yahoo, it was pretty clear she didn’t have childcare issues. Now with the latest update, pretty clear she doesn’t use Yahoo mail either.

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Stories out of Texas indicate that Senator Ted Cruz is still popular in the state after leading the U.S. into a shutdown. So where is Rick Perry and his talk of secession when we really need him?

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Gov. Chris Christie is withdrawing his appeal of the recent ruling in favor of gay marriage in New Jersey. Christie says he has a “constitutional obligation to enforce the law.” That and apparently he can read the national poll numbers.

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Oregon’s defensive coordinator apologized for calling Washington State coach Mike Leach “low class” for leaving in his starters and throwing for two late TDs in the Ducks 62-38 win, saying “There’s no excuse, but sometimes right after the game the adrenaline is still flowing and I made a huge, human error in judgment. I wish I could take it back, and I promise it won’t happen again.” Possible translation “I was reminded we might want to run up the score ourselves later this season to impress BCS voters..”.

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Semi-serious stuff below . You have been warned…

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Today’s 12 year-old school shooter apparently got a handgun from his parents. Just wondering, if we prosecuted parents for the crimes of their minor children using their guns, and EVERY time a child accidentally shoots themselves or someone else, think folks might try a little higher to keep their weapons in a safe place?

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Lawyers for James Holmes, the man accused of killing 12 and wounding 70 in the Aurora, CO theater, are arguing that after the shooting police coerced and misled him into talking to them about bombs found in his apartment, and said his statements shouldn’t be used against him. Right. So maybe a dozen or more lives were saved but the cops were out of line. Yet another example of why attorneys are so beloved in the US.

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What happened to Adrian Peterson’s two year old son is a tragedy. But anyone but me having a bit of a hard time with the all the sympathy for the Vikings star when he had only found out the kid existed a couple months ago, and never met his son until the toddler was dying in the hospital?

 

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And the winners were…

February 25, 2013

As Johnny Carson once said as Oscar host    “this is the night we honor movies And what happens? Millions of people watching televison. No one in the movie theaters.”

 

Anyone else think “We Saw Your Boobs” is a better Oscar song than “It’s Tough Out There for a Pimp?”

 

Still a lot of talk Monday morning about Seth MacFarlane’s “We Saw Your Boobs” song last night at the Oscars. Not to be confused with C-Span, which is “We See You Boobs.”

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Not sure about all the music at this year’s Oscars. But that Jaws music cue has potential for political speeches.

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The shoemaker’s children…. women who just won for hair styling and makeup might have had the worst hair and makeup of the night.

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One of the most amusing things about the Oscar ceremony…. how some of these actresses can be wearing clothes that cost more than an average American’s average salary, and still look like they didn’t get dressed in front of a mirror.

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Jane Fonda, 75, looks better than many actresses half her age. Maybe that commie-pinko youth is good for you.

 

Now that Anne Hathaway has won her #Oscar maybe she can grow her hair out again and eat something?

 

In Benedict’ XVI’s last Sunday address in St. Peter’s Square the Pope said he was following God’s wishes by stepping down. “Why didn’t I think of that?” said Sarah Palin.

 

A “crippling, historic blizzard” has the National Weather Service in Amarillo, Texas posting “DO NOT TRAVEL” on its website. Maybe Mother Nature isn’t too pleased about Governor Perry’s trying to talk businesses into leaving California for Texas.

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Kim Kardashian’s baby daddy, Kanye West on Saturday: “The Grammys can suck my d–k.” And he’s supposed to be the classier of the two future parents.

 

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Fauja Singh, 101, finished the Hong Kong marathon’s 10k today, in 1 hour, 32 minutes, and says it is his last race. “Quitting so young?” responded Brett Favre.

 

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Oakland Raiders’ DT Desmond Bryant, a Harvard graduate, has been jailed in Miami on a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief. Who says Ivy League graduates never fit in in the NFL?

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Yahoo has upset many employees by telling them they can no longer telecommute starting in June, a change which is particularly hard on working parents. This is the kind of thing that wouldn’t happen if you had more women running companies…. Oops, never mind.

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The Once and Future Kings.

May 22, 2012

So who expected this in 2012. What’s the difference between the Clippers and the Lakers? About 24 hours.

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As the Thunder rolled, how many disappointed Los Angeles sports fans thought back earlier this spring, well, at least we’ll have the Kings?

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Another question, who had the Kings as the last team playing this spring in the Los Angeles Staples Center?   Okay, all of you liars put your hands down.

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Yahoo has named Ross Levinsohn their fifth CEO in four years. At this point the only job with less security in the SF Bay Area is coach of the Oakland Raiders.

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The Dodgers have put 5 position players on the DL in the last two weeks, and have won 10 of their last 12. If they get a few more injuries Los Angeles could really run away with the division.

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Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, an avowed anti-big government conservative, received $75 million in loan guarantees from Rhode Island to move his video game company there in 2010. Now the company is failing and the state is on the hook. Once again, government waste = money that doesn’t directly benefit ME.

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The next time Schllling rants against Democrats, hope someone tells him to put a bloody sock in it.

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In California, Congression candidate Andy Caffrey, who has a medical marijuana prescription, has promised that if he wins, he’ll smoke a joint — “right on the steps of Capitol Hill.” Uh, maybe he should pass the joint around. Might get more bipartisan agreement if they were all stoned.

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Last week a Romney interview in the National Review praised Meg Whitman, and said she would be a better governor for Calif. Jerry Brown. The same day a story broke that Meg’s new company, HP, was going to lay off 30,000. (And somewhere Mitt is thinking, and the problem with that is…?)

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Four suspects were arrested after beating up a man Sunday after the Los Angeles-St. Louis baseball game in the Dodger Stadium parking lot. (The victim is in stable condition.) To be fair, the accused are almost certainly not real Dodgers fans, otherwise they would have been gone after the 7th inning.

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The Coast Guard has picked up 160 bales (about 7,000 lbs) of marijuana, floating off the coast of Southern California. In related news, fisherman in the area report great luck by baiting their hooks with Doritos.

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A jersey worn by Babe Ruth sold for $4.4 million. Apparently it still has a mark on it from when the Babe was hit by a pitch from Jamie Moyer.

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Dick Cheney will host a fundraising event at his home in Jackson Hole, WY for Mitt Romney. Mitt wasn’t sure the former V.P. was willing to help, but Cheney reputedly said, “Sure, he’d take a shot at it.”

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According to the DOT the 17 biggest U.S. airlines collected $3.36 billion in checked bag fees in 2011, down slightly from $3.4 billion the year before. Although they carried more 1.3% more psgrs than in 2010. This news surprises absolutely no one who has watched the musical chairs game for the overhead bins during boarding.

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From TC  – (Jay Leno used almost an identical line tonight, wonder if he saw it in comments this morning on last night’s post):   “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg married his long time girl friend Priscilla Chan. They have already left for their honeymoon in Farmville.”

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Berry, berry, quite contrary.

December 18, 2009

Blackberry users across North America were unable to receive messages for several hours Thursday. You know what that means, millions of people in meetings were forced to actually pay attention to the speaker

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Yahoo’s market share as a search engine declined again in November. Interested readers can get more details by Googling the story.

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If their traffic gets much worse the company may soon be known as Ya-Who?

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Sarah Palin apparently took her family to Hawaii for a few days of vacation. She said it was to give them all a little relaxing together time, and besides, the kids had never been to a foreign country.

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Prince Charles is being accused of meddling in government affairs, after writing at least 8 letters to British government department heads in the last few years. Of course, considering the length of Charles’s relationship with his current wife Camilla, who could possibly be a better expert on government affairs?

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Now that Tiger Woods’ doctor is under investigation for performance enhancing drugs, wonder if his alibi will be, “No, I didn’t sneak off to be with the doctor, I was with a waitress”

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Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren may or may not be getting divorced. But one supposed bit of evidence is that Elin has recently been seen not wearing her wedding ring. But as countless people, especially women, have learned, seeing someone not wearing their wedding ring isn’t necessarily a sign of divorce. Unless they get caught.

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Sometimes no comment or punchline is needed. Arizona State’s long time baseball coach, Pat Murphy, who was also the three-time reigning Pac 10 coach of the year, resigned on November 20 of this year for personal reasons. USA Today now reports that on November 19 a letter was sent to the school from the NCAA informing them of an investigation of alleged “major rule violations”

University officials insisted there was no link between Murphy’s abrupt resignation and the NCAA investigation.

I like the one from Bud Selig that he had no idea there were steroids in baseball better.

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One I wish I had written from Jim Barach:

Tiger Woods has been named the “Athlete of the Decade” by the Associated Press. Woods was picked for his domination, performance and stamina. He didn’t do too badly on the golf course, either.

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