Archive for the ‘GOP jokes’ category

Against all odds

February 15, 2017

Tiger Woods is 20-1 in Las Vegas to win a major in 2017. A major what?

 

Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is upset that the NFL might not award future Super Bowls to the state if an anti-transgender bathroom bill passes: “The NFL needs to concentrate on playing football and get the heck out of politics.”
Uh huh. Just guessing most Texans would go for rainbow pins and unisex bathrooms if the alternative is giving up any football.

At a Louisiana high school, Alabama has been banned from campus because of “unethical football recruiting practices.” I’m sure it’s just coincidence that the school is in Baton Rouge.  (home of LSU)

Trump says that unlike President Obama he is not going to publicly fill out a March Madness bracket. But no doubt  he will tell us after the tournament that of course he picked all the winners. A perfect score, the best ever.

Apparently quite a number of celebrities have volunteered to play Trump aides on SNL. The show is getting to be almost as cool again for a cameo as the Simpsons. (or decades ago, Batman.)

Senate voted to block Obama rule prohibiting people w/ serious mental disorders from buying guns. What could go wrong?

All these headlines “Andrew Puzder withdraws” Too bad Frederick Trump didn’t.

Andrew Puzder, who according to CBS News told friends he was “very tired of the abuse” he was getting, is withdrawing his nomination as Labor Secretary. Great choice of words for a man who admitted to employing an undocumented housekeeper and has been accused of domestic violence against his ex-wife.

Who knew an act of resistance might become simply buying a copy of the @NYTimes or @washingtonpost?

 

Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is being considered for ambassador to France. Tonight Jared Kushner’s father Charles, a convicted felon who’s served prison time, said his family has decided not to try to buy the team.
So at least for now, MLB remains a Trump-free zone. #smallmercies

Trump is now tweeting that NSA &d FBI are “just like Russia.” Well that ought to improve his relations with the intelligence community.

Well, well, well… someone finally remembered where he put his backbone – John McCain says he will oppose confirmation of Trump budget nominee Mick Mulvaney

As of Oct. 2015, there were 8 investigations into Benghazi.  Led by same people who don’t think it’s worth spending time on Russia & election

GOP Reps. Jason Chaffetz and Bob Goodlatte today asked the Inspector General to “begin an immediate investigation into whether classified information was mishandled” with the leaks that led to Michael Flynn’s resignation.
Funny, I missed their outrage when Trump asked Russia to find Hillary’s missing emails.

 

 

Fighting for air?

February 8, 2017

Patriots RB James White says he doesn’t know what happened to the football he scored the winning touchdown with in Super Bowl 51. “I actually don’t know what I did with it. I left it on the ground and started running.”
Well, at least there’s no way for the NFL to check if the ball was deflated.

Falcons have picked interim Crimson Tide offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian as  their new OC. Does Atlanta know Alabama was winless in the Sarkisian area?

Golden State Warriors are rewarding their loyal season ticket holders with a 15-25% price increase next season. But just imagine how inexpensive 2017-2018 tickets will seem compared to those in the new SF arena.

 

 

A United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Kauai today developed autopilot problems and circled for hours before landing back at SFO more than 3 hours after takeoff. Now for the really important question, did passengers get extra miles for all that circling?

Hate to say it but #DeVos incompetency might limit her damage. What if Trump replaced her w/ smarter person w/ same view

While we’re changing all the rules in this country can we eliminate the 22nd amendment?

Trump this morning starts out a tweet with “I don’t know Putin, have no deals in Russia….” Does he type these with a straight face?

Trump tweeted today that he doesn’t know Putin. But in a 2013 MSNBC interview he said “I do have a relationship” with Putin.
No wonder Trump hates the media; they have this bad habit of reporting on what he says.

So Betsy Devos is now our Secretary of Education. Yeah, maybe our schools have been wrong in teaching children about the value of study and hard work as far as getting ahead. They should be teaching “How to marry a billionaire.”

Would be interesting to see how many Senators actually went or sent their children to public schools. #DeVosvote

Don’t just get mad, VOTE. Especially in school board elections. #DeVosvote

 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you elect a reality TV star to Congress. Wisconsin Rep. Sean Duffy (The Real Life: Boston, & Road Rules): “Look at Gabby Giffords. The Marxist, who took her life, a leftist guy, and now you see violence and terror in the streets all across America.

So Green Eggs and Ham is acceptable reading on the Senate floor but a letter from Coretta Scott King is not? #WTF?

Trump thinks “California is out of control.” Where do I get the “Out of Control Nasty California Woman T-Shirt”?

Or – “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted,” Where’s the t-shirt?  I want one of those too.

Changing seasons.

February 6, 2017

Another reason baseball is the best sport. When the World Series game 7 was tied after regulation, both teams got a turn to bat.

 

SF 49ers fans should relax w/ Kyle Shanahan. Not like the 2017 team is going to have many 25 point leads to blow.

 

Clydesdales were originally bred in Scotland. Maybe that’s why there was no “aww” story this year. Budweiser was afraid they’d be accused of taking jobs away from real American horses.

Wonder how many craft-beer liberals are buying Budweiser & Bud Light for the first time ever this week? #boycottbudweiser

Tom Brady still can’t find his Super Bowl jersey. Anyone asked Putin?

 

Now the lieutenant governor of Texas has asked the Texas Rangers to join in Houston PD to help find Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. How long until this gets blamed on a member of the liberal media?

If  Tom Brady really is GOAT can we give an assist to Pete Carroll and Kyle Shanahan’s 4th quarter Super Bowl play calling?

On a brighter note, some children in Africa this am can trade in their  Indians World Champions shirts for some shiny new Falcons ones.

MLB is proposing to raise lower part of strike zone to the top of the hitter’s knees, from its current “the hollow beneath the kneecap.” Pitchers are thinking fine, if they actually start calling strikes above the waist.

 

We learned one thing this weekend. Sean Spicer can take a joke a lot better than his boss.

George H.W. Bush got a standing ovation today before #SuperBowl. But heck, compared to the current White House occupant, George W. would get a standing ovation.

A Jacksonville woman is being sought by police for performing oral sex on a man and posting it to social media. The alleged act took place at the county courthouse. Back on your game, Florida.

 

Americans have to be wishing  Trump was half as  focused on Serious issues facing this country as he is on the NY Times.

In a 2004 book called “The Librarian,” by Larry Beinhart, author of “Wag the Dog,” there’s a right-wing conspiracy backing an ineffectual president. They try to create a terrorist act to keep him in power for a 2nd term. Scary book. Glad it’s only fiction….

Rep. Matt Gaetz from Ft. Walton Beach, introduced a bill to dissolve the EPA. I trust Gaetz also feels it would be a waste of money for the Feds to spend any money the next time Florida has any oil spills or other environmental disasters.

Obama – Christians did bad things “in the name of Christ.” GOP outrage. Trump-“You think our country’s so innocent.” GOP crickets #WTF?.

Trump terrorism speech “All over Europe it’s happening. It’s gotten to point where it’s not even being reported. Like #BowlingGreenMassacre?

Some of this stuff you just can’t make up. Melania Trump has a lawsuit against the UK Daily Mail for libel, and the paper has published a retraction of rumors that she worked as an escort. Okay, so far so good, and it’s understandable the First Lady would be upset.

BUT, her lawyer claims “plaintiff had the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person … to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multi-million dollar business relationships for a multi-year term during which plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world.”

Slip sliding away…

February 5, 2017

So did that extra month of rest Roger Goodell gave Tom Brady this year make a difference down the stretch of #SB51?

In the 4th quarter Brady and the Patriots went through Atlanta faster than anyone not named Sherman.

At least @warriors fans can rest easy knowing their team will no longer win the ESPY for greatest postseason choke job in the last year.

But really, what’s with these collapses, the Warriors, the Indians, the Falcons.  At this point maybe we should all plan to bet on whoever goes down 3-0 in this year’s Stanley Cup Finals.

You’d think after watching Pete Carroll that the Falcons would have learned the lesson, when you’ve got the game won late, run the damn ball.

Wonder how long it took Matt Ryan to realize that a couple V for Victory formations and a field goal would have iced this game? #Superbowl

Avocados from Mexico commercial. Waiting for the Trump rebuttal.

But where were the Clydesdales tonight?  I blame Trump

Cant wait for Sean Spicer  to congratulate the Patriots tomorrow on the largest margin of victory in Super Bowl history.

Really? Trump’s latest tweet “Just cannot believe a judge would put our country in such peril. If something happens blame him and court system. People pouring in. Bad!”
So who do we blame for Quebec City, (yes, I know that’s Canada) Charleston, Aurora? And the other over 12,000 Americans killed last year by gun violence?

 

VP Pence said today White House considering removing sanctions against Russia. Congrats to all those who had Feb 5 in the pool.

As some attacked idea of liberals rooting for a team from a Red State, can we remember that #JimmyCarter is from Georgia. #Falcons #Superbowl

Just guessing we can add #MelissaMcCarthy to list of actors who won’t be invited to any Trump state dinners.

No tweets from the President over last night’s @SNL. Is @realDonaldTrump sick? Or did someone hide his phone?

 

Protest in Palm Beach last  night were nonviolent but apparently disturbing to Trump at his Florida gala tonight titled “Vienna to Versailles’
Not perhaps as disturbing as it might have been had the President read his history on Versailles.

From Marc Ragovin  “President Trump just congratulated the New Jersey Generals on winning their eighth Super Bowl.”

Degrees

January 30, 2017

That moment when you turn on sports talk radio for comparatively calm and reasonable conversation. #trumpweek1

 

OKC’s Enes Kanter says he apologized to his teammates after breaking his arm by punching a chair during a game with Dallas last week. But did he apologize to the chair?

On a lighter note, because we need some of those these days, Serena Williams is a damn good tennis player.

 

On another lighter note, who did the Clippers think they are tonight, the Lakers?

 

And he’s adorable too. So jealous.

 

Nikki Haley, saying that at the UN, we will “show our strength, show our voice, have the backs of our allies and make sure that our allies have our back as well, For those that don’t have our back, we’re taking names…”
Of course, the way things are going, the US could have a lot fewer allies to worry about.

Yeah, there are some truly terrifying men in the world today. How long until some country decides to put in an American ban?   Or specifically orange Americans?

Dr Gholam A. Peyman, born in Iran, US resident since 1970s, invented LASIK. Can we ban Trump supporters from having the surgery? #Muslimban

A Thailand court sentenced man to 11 yrs in prison for posting material online judged “insulting” to monarchy. Scary. Hope Trump didn’t see it.

Iran’s Asghar Farhadi is nominated for best foreign film, now may not be able to attend Oscars until he gets some sort of a waiver, fast.  Can Meryl Streep accept for him, with speech time?

Trump has given Steve Bannon of Breitbart News a seat on the National Security Council. I’m ready for Bobby to come out of the shower now.

Federal Judge Ann Donnelly temporarily blocked President Trump’s Executive Order on refugees with an emergency ruling that applies to detainees already in the United States, or those mid-flight. She said that sending the refugees home now could cause them “irreparable harm.”
Standby for Trump’s tweet calling for removing Donnelly from the bench in 3.2.1….

Just wondering, what happens with flight attendants from the 7 banned countries? #malicewithoutaforethought

 

A rare serious thought  for a change. Ok, I understand that there are threats that many US civilians don’t understand and so there may be more reasons we don’t know behind Trump’s executive order about citizens of some Muslim countries.
On the other hand, when we live in difficult and nuanced times, what stands out to me is that this EO was dashed off with all the calm reasoned well-thought-out logic of a 3 am Twitter post.

 

 

 

 

 

Rolling over

January 11, 2017

Cavaliers put up as much a fight against Trailblazers tonight as media did today against President-Elect in Trump Press Conference.

So apparently the Chargers are planning to move to Los Angeles. Sad for San Diego. But LA’s best chance for serious post-season football will still be the USC Trojans.

 

 

#LAChargers haven’t even started playing yet and already on their way to giving #Cowboys run for their money as America’s most hated team.

Just before last year’s Fiesta Bowl, Ezekiel Elliott was cited for three misdemeanor traffic charges in Ohio including driving with a suspended license after his car hit another vehicle, resulting in minor injuries to one passenger. This after several speeding tickets. And today no one was injured after he apparently ran into another car near Dallas.
Thinking just maybe the Cowboys might want to invest in a car and driver?

Former SF Giants closer Santiago Casilla is apparently nearing a deal with the Oakland As. Good for him. At least he won’t have to deal with any postseason pressure.

Taco Bell this month is rolling out their fried chicken taco nationwide – the taco shell is made out of fried chicken, then it’s filled with lettuce, tomatoes, cheddar cheese and avocado ranch sauce.
So for all those fearing the end of the world, here’s one more option to decrease your chances of being around to see it.

Donald Trump on Twitter  today “Russia has never tried to use leverage over me. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSIA – NO DEALS, NO LOANS, NO NOTHING!”

He’s going to break his keyboard hitting the “CapsLock” so hard:

Hell is freezing over: “Though we at Fox News cannot confirm CNN’s report, it is our observation that its correspondents followed journalistic standards Neither they, nor any other journalists, should be subjected to belittling and delegitimizing by the president-elect of the United States.”
Standing up for journalists in general? Or are the folks at Fox just worried that they will be the next as seen to be too liberal for Trump?

Unreal. From the sooner to be Tweeter-in-Chief : “Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to “leak” into the public. One last shot at me.Are we living in Nazi Germany?
Right, because the worst thing about living Nazi Germany was being accused of cavorting with prostitutes. Not to mention that he is complaining about a story involving showers.
Even the bus to hell breaks down on this one.

Would be truly Machiavellian to come up and leak an over-the-top faked story that could be easily disproved, and use that as an excuse to discredit ALL the rest of the bad stories, many of which are actually true. But can’t imagine that a President and his team would stoop so low…… #goldenshowers #sarcasm

A BBC correspondent now says there are “multiple intelligence sources” alleging Russia has potentially embarrassing or compromising material on Trump.
Standby for tweets comparing the “over-rated” BBC to Buzzfeed in 3.2.1…..

 

That moment when you realize #MarcoRubio is now the conscience of the GOP?!!

He’s comedy gold every day, but I’d rather be struggling to write pantsuits jokes. #TrumpPressConference

And then there was #1

January 9, 2017

Only bad thing about Clemson’s amazing win is that somewhere Lane Kiffin is smirking.

At the end, only thing that could have saved #Alabama & #NickSaban was the #Stanford band. #NationalChampionship

The National Championship was close to 4 hours long with over  4 minutes left in 4th. Even Yankees and Red Sox were saying “guys, speed it up already.”

Steelers assistant coach Joey Porter was arrested last night outside a Pittsburgh bar after allegedly assaulting the doorman. Porter is charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, resisting arrest, public drunkenness and disorderly conduct.
Wow.. Imagine what might have happened if Pittsburgh actually lost.

On a brighter note for the #Raiders, their 13 point loss to the #Texans was the closest game of Wild Card weekend. @espn

 

Tom Brady about the upcoming game with the Texans “There is nothing easy about this game for our offense.” He had the grace not to add “our defense, however, is salivating.”

Early this morning @realDonaldTrump called #MerylStreep “over-rated.” So congratulations to all those who had “about 8 hours” in the pool.

So if any country wants to launch attack on USA during Trump’s presidency, guess they just need the distraction of a celebrity insulting him.

Marissa Mayer apparently will resign from Yahoo when the sale to Verizon is finalized. Will Mayer then run for office in California touting her business experience?

John Kerry issued a formal State Department apology today for “decades of discrimination against LGBT employees and job applicants.”
Waiting for the House GOP rebuttal.

Donald Trump has fired Charlie Brotman, 88, the Inaugural parade announcer for every President back to Eisenhower in 1957, and replaced him with a 58-year-old volunteer.
Anyone known one of those male cats who gets introduced to a new home and has to urinate in EVERY single corner to mark his territory?

Trump hurting a lot of feelings w/ his inaugural parade. He fires 88-year-old announcer, then tells Chris Christie he can’t be a float.

Trump’s now to officially name son-in-law Jared Kushner as a senior White House advisor per @NBCNews “#IfthePresidentdoesititisnotillegal

An Emirates Air flight from from Muscat, Oman to Dubai was cancelled yesterday after baggage handlers found a loose snake on board. Wonder how they decided the snake was loose – if it was female maybe it wasn’t wearing a hijab?.

Trump met today with the chair of Alibaba. The Chinese company was placed back last month on a list of counterfeit marketplaces by the United States Trade Representative over selling fake and pirated goods. But maybe Trump isn’t worried, figuring no one would want to make knock-off Trump branded merchandise.

 

Monica Crowley, Trump’s choice for director of communications for the National Security Council, was recently accused of many instances of plagiarism in her 2012 book, and in a 1999 Wall Street Journal article. Now Politico says they have found several more instances of plagiarism in her dissertation.
Maybe Crowley doesn’t want to the NSC job, but rather to be Melania’s speechwriter.

Kellyanne Conway complained today about Democrats calling for an independent bipartisan commission to investigate election allegations about Russa. “It’s curious and a little bit humorous that Democrats would talk about anything bipartisan … given how they have vowed to obstruct everything we do.”
Just wondering, where was Kellyanne’s outrage when Mitch McConnell in January 2009 vowed to make Obama a one-term president?

The convicted Charleston mass murderer (yes, I am deliberately not using his name), asked the judge in his death penalty trial not to allow the prosecution to use words like “evil.”
Uh, actually while the word is overused, seems like this is one of those times “evil” is completely appropriate.