Archive for the ‘GOP jokes’ category

Cheers and jeers

August 6, 2017

Dolphins sign Jay Cutler reportedly in part because fans were unhappy about the idea of Kaepernick. Chicago Bears fans are just giggling.

Jay Cutler is apparently going to come out of retirement and sign with the Dolphins. So how many teams will now get calls from Brett Favre?

 

Nothing is certain except death, taxes, and that the SF pitching to Goldschmidt is a really stupid idea.

Falcons CB Jalen Collins suspended the first 10 games of 2017 for PEDs, after being suspended the first 4 games in 2016 for PEDs.  Is the 2nd suspension for drugs or stupidity?

After watching Mets get obliterated by Dodgers,  and the Giants actually looking good in winning two games in a row, thinking maybe New York should take a page out of the San Francisco Panda playbook and bring up at this point a minor-league talent – Tebow.

RIP #DarrenDaulton. Really sad to watch stars you’ve watched play pass away. Sadder when they’re younger than you.

 

Two former rowers on U Washington’s men’s team have been charged with sharing videos of them having sex with drunk women, including two who don’t remember the incidents.
The men were kicked off the team when the allegations first surfaced. Heck of a way to show rowers could be the equal of big-time college athletes.


CNN.com  headline – “beloved celebrity couple calls it quits.” So, okay, I clicked on the story – “Anna Faris and Chris Pratt have filed for separation.”

All together now, “who?”

The manufacturer of the Fireball ride that broke apart at the Ohio State fair, killing one and injuring seven, said “excessive corrosion on the interior of the gondola support beam dangerously reduced the beam’s wall thickness over the years.”
But hey, let’s get rid of more pesky regulations.

Ah online reviews…. Was looking for a hotel in a certain area of Dubai. W Hotel on the Palm has 4.2 ranking out of 5, 26 reviews. Which sounds great except for one thing. It is under construction and NOT OPEN YET.

Chris Christie -Mueller’s convening of a grand jury is a “normal step.” As a former prosecutor he should know what it’s a “normal step” towards.

Minn. Gov. Mark Dayton called mosque bombing “act of terrorism,” following in footsteps of Pres. Trump. Oh wait, crickets. Never mind.

Trump is now quoting @protrump45, supposedly a young black conservative woman, who is actually a bot. What’s next- voting rights for bots?
Why hasn’t Trump,on his “working vacation”, tweeted anything about missing Marines in Australia. Because no way to blame on Obama or Hillary?
#MikePence says running in 2020 story “latest attempt by media to divide this administration.” Actually Trump divides them quite well on his own.
 –
Journalist Julia Ioffe, slamming Trump’s proposed immigration policy. “When you ask Trump supporters, they don’t care because she’s a different — she’s the right kind of immigrant.”
“She is a beautiful white woman from Europe, and we like those. Even though she doesn’t have a college degree.”
Well, yeah, and she’s willing to do the kind of jobs Americans won’t do… like marrying Donald.
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Ageless?

August 3, 2017

Tom Brady is 40 today. Hope he’s not feeling too deflated about it.

So much attention on Steph Curry’s 1st round of professional golf even though he has no chance to win the tournament. Yep, it really is almost like he was Tiger Woods.

 

Alabama football coach Nick Saban won’t suspend Da’Shawn Hand for his 430a DUI arrest last weekend. Saban says it’s because his potential starting DL was found asleep in car & not actually driving when police found him.
Well that and the Tide open against Florida State.

Rockies closer Greg Holland cut his finger in kitchen accident, is “day-to-day.” Uh, maybe if you can’t stand being on DL, get out of the kitchen.

 

Grateful Dead night at AT&T Park.  SFGiants fans just grateful if the offense didn’t play like they are dead.

SF Giants still undefeated on odd-days in August.

Trump tweet “Our relationship with Russia is at an all-time & very dangerous low.” Uh, about those 13 days in October 1962.

A California man is suing Annie’s because their strawberry fruit snacks don’t contain any strawberries. Hope he never buys angel-food cake.

Trump is heading for a 17 day vacation in New Jersey. Can Chris Christie close down a bridge or something and keep him there?

With AG Sessions still upsetting Trump over the Russia recusal,  McMaster saying Susan Rice did nothing wrong, and Mueller convening a grand jury, it’s going to be a tough call to pick a favorite in the firing pool.

So who’s going to be the first to start a band named “Local milk people.”

 

Now it’s Dubai’s 79-story residential Torch Tower on fire (again) following London’s Grenfell Tower tragedy. But hey, who needs regulations?

Remember Towering Inferno? “You know, one of these days you’re gonna kill 10,000 in one of these firetraps, and I’m gonna keep eating smoke and bringing out bodies until somebody ask us… how to build them.”

Remember those days when August was a slow news month?

Donald Trump changed his mind.  After nominating ex-LA Dodgers co-owner Jamie McCourt as Ambassador to Belgium,  he now nominated her instead as Ambassador to France.

The White House did note Jamie speaks French!

(guess no one told Trump French is one of three official languages of Belgium?)

 

 

If the state secedes I have no problem with @realDonaldTrump becoming the first President of West Virginia.

The Senate unanimously blocked Trump from making recess appointments over break.

The technical reason Trump cannot make recess appointments is –  Senate pro-forma sessions in August.  Who set sessions up?  Alaska’s Senator Murkowski. No doubt with a smile.

With Trump’s 38% approval rating it’s pretty clear that some Republicans are supporting him just because he’s a Republican.
But as we look ahead to 2020, amazing how many Democrats are already drawing lines saying they won’t support someone if he or she isn’t THEIR Democrat.

from Marc Ragovin  – “Former NY Giant Michael Strahan lost part of one of his fingers in a recent accident. “Amateur,” said Jason Pierre-Paul.”

What were the odds?

July 31, 2017

Pete Rose now accused of statutory rape over alleged relationship with 14 yr-old when he was 34. He says he thought she was 16.  #showertime

Why there is no satire: On the subject of signing Kaepernick Ravens beat writer Jeff Zrebiec reports Baltimore owner talked to Ray Lewis. #WTF?

Jets rookie Jamal Adams during a CTE discussion.”Literally, if I had a perfect place to die, I would die on the field. And that’s not a lie. So how many concussions has Adams already had?

Dodgers loading up as World Series favorites. Wonder if they’re planning the same rings as the 2001 Mariners

LA Clippers forward Danilo Gallinari punched an opponent and injured his thumb in an exhibition game in Italy. The 2017-18 NBA schedule isn’t even out yet and already the Clippers are in midseason form.

 

For 10,000 miles, United Airlines is offering Mileage Plus members a “watch party,” which the chance to watch a road game for the 49ers on the big screen at Levi’s Stadium, complete with complimentary food, beverages and of course, traffic.
So are they asking for 10,000 miles, or giving them?

“Dear Twitter – is it possible to undelete Tweets?” – Asking for a friend. Sincerely, A. Scaramucci.

Scaramucci is OUT as White House Communications Director. Wow. So congrats to those brave people who had July 31 in the pool.

Somewhere in the bushes, #SeanSpicer is giggling uncontrollably.

#Scaramucci violated number 1 White House rule – you cannot be a crazier narcissistic media whore than the boss.

“I’m just a rich boy, I need no sympathy
Because I’m easy come, easy go, little high, little low…. @scaramucci

Can anyone imagine what it would be like if we DID have WH chaos?

Well, to be fair, Trump is used to a format where the poorest contributor gets fired every week. #PresidentialApprentice

“Did nobody tell Trump that today’s #MLBTradeDeadline didn’t apply to White House positions?”

 

Getting sense if @realDonaldTrump said, “Yeah, I colluded w/ Russia AND I orchestrated coverup” many of his supporters would still back him.

Legislative director Marc Short -White House expects tax reform to move quickly in Congress this fall  – through the House in October and the Senate in November.   Standby for “who knew tax reform was so complicated?

Politico says Ivanka Trump “desperately wants to lower expectations of what she can achieve.” Mission accomplished.

Trump to a reporter today “We will handle North Korea. We are gonna be able to handle them. It will be handled. We handle everything.”
He does know “handle” and “grope” are not the same thing?

Apparently there are now weekly bible study meetings at the White House. Just guessing the Ten Commandments aren’t included.

 

So just imagine if you’ve been on 2 week vacation without internet & got back today ready for the latest craziness from Sean Spicer.

Will being insane enough to take a job in the Trump White House qualify as a pre-existing condition? #Healthcare

Shouldn’t all positions in Trump White House have “interim” title?

 

A really good blow-dry. #ThingsThatLastedLongerThanTheMooch

Super scooter

June 6, 2017

Scooter Gennett had 5 hits, 4 home runs & 10 RBI’s in a game today. 17 total bases. Or as 2017. SF Giants offense calls that – “a good week.”

Think Scooter Gennett just might be selected this week for random @MLB drug testing?

Nice story for a change.   Apparently at 11pm last night Packers CB Davon House missed his connecting flight at Minneapolis airport, and tweeted out his frustration on Twitter, asking if any fans wanted to give him a ride to Green Bay since he had OTAs in the morning.   Two brothers promptly responded and drove him the four plus hours, where he promptly rewarded them with signed memorabilia and a locker room tour in the wee hours of the morning.

Why do I not think this story would have happened with a member of the NY Jets landing in Newark.

 

What,   George and Amal Clooney became parents and gave their new twins nice normal names? Ella and Alexander. Isn’t that a violation of celebrity rules?

And if we didn’t love Clooney enough already, this was his publicist’s statement.  clooney

 

A passenger on a Delta flight needed medical attention after he was bitten by his seatmate’s emotional support dog, and another passenger said the seat had to be removed because there was so much blood.
So how many travelers will now say they need emotional support animals to protect them from their fellow passengers’ support animals?

Bus to hell, or rather golf cart to hell item of the day. A Northern California man has been arrested for DUI after his partner fell off a golf cart he was driving in a orchard and died after landing on their wine glasses which shattered on impact. Hope at least she had finished the wine.

Can it still be a smartphone if it’s used by an idiot? Asking for a friend in Washington D.C. taxpayer-funded housing.

Spicer says Trump tweets are “official statements by the President of the United States.” Kellyanne says the media has an “obsession” w/ “everything” he says on Twitter. #soconfusing

 

So is it too soon to start a pool on what crisis Trump might start with a Tweet on Thursday morning to distract from Comey testimony?

Bars are opening early in San Francisco, Houston, and Washington DC on Thursday morning for former FBI director Comey’s testimony to Congress.  Russian vodka specials will be on the menus. No doubt with lots of twists.

Trump attacks Mayor #SadiqKhan after London attack, attacked Gold Star parents Khizr & Ghazala Khan last year. Sure it’s just a coincidence.

Eric Trump  on Fox News’ “Hannity” re Democrats “To me, they’re not even people.” So what’s next, a big game hunt like he does with leopards & lions?

The odds are good but the odds are odd?

May 18, 2017

No joke, there’s actually a “Bachelorette Fantasy League” on ESPN. And if you are already signed up, you just might be in need of a life.

United Airlines has purchased naming rights to the LA Memorial Coliseum for $75 million. Makes sense, rooting for USC is a real drag.

Freddie Freeman, NL home-run leader, was hit by pitch and has fractured left wrist, will be out 2 months plus. Braves coming to AT&T Park next weekend, so SF Giants fans won’t get a chance to see him. Giants pitchers may not mind too much.

Steve Kerr just followed Popovich in slamming Trump. Lebron campaigned w/ Hillary. “Failing NBA” tweets in 3.2.1…. #spurs #warriors #cavs

 

 

Blue Jays OF Kevin Pillar was upset that Jason Motte struck him out on a quick pitch, so he yelled an anti-gay slur at the Braves reliever. At this point Pillar should be suspended for a combination of inappropriate language AND stupidity.

Trump may stop Sean Spicer’s daily press briefings. Can we start a GoFundMe campaign to have Melissa McCarthy do one in his place? @NBCSNL

 

If Trump really believes it’s a “witch hunt” perhaps he could do the test of jumping in Potomac to see if he sinks or not?

“Biggest witch hunt in history” said man who for years was chasing a debunked birth certificate rumor.

How long until Americans can legitimately be diagnosed with CTFS – Chronic Trump Fatigue Syndrome?

A 42 year old man died yesterday after falling over a railing onto his head after a Cubs game at Wrigley Field. Sad. I suppose no need to include in the story that alcohol may have been involved.

Suppose if I’m dead I won’t care. But it’s really sad that if I end up killed by a car driven by a legal resident of the US who is drunk or too old to drive, it would be a one-day story. Whereas if it was a Muslim or illegal immigrant I’d be a posthumous poster child.

After  Times Square car crash today good to see Donald  Trump immediately demand more mental health $$ for vets. Oh, wait, never mind.

Suspect in Times Square crash has at least  3 prior arrests, and possible “psychological problems.” Just the kind of guy whose rights the House was thinking about protecting when they overturned Obama gun law. #ifonlyhewasarmed

Trump lies, Pence apparently lied about Flynn, Ryan could be complicit. This could be turning into real-life version of Designated Survivor.

“If you can’t say anything nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.” Waiting for Roger Ailes blank page obituaries.

Bill O’Reilly says of Roger Ailes that “hatred killed him.” Sexual harassment on other hand, is probably good for women’s health. #WTF?

Really makes you feel old not just when music legend dies, but when you didn’t know his music AND he was younger than you. #ChrisCornell

 

If Trump REALLY thought Dems would be ok w/  Joe Lieberman as FBI director that’s actually scarier than if he wants Joe just to p*ss them off

 

From Marc Ragovin,  “There is a movement brewing in New York to impeach the Mets bullpen.”

Comparison shopping

May 17, 2017

Tony Dungy compared Colin Kaepernick’s situation to what happened with Michael Vick after his release from prison, and Joe Mixon’s draft day fall.
Right, because kneeling on the sideline is as egregious to NFL coaches as killing dogs and hitting women? #WTF?

 

The way Lebron & Cavs are playing no one from Cleveland needed even to try to trip Isaiah Thomas.

Lonzo Ball may refuse to work out for the Celtics, so set is he on playing for the Lakers. Even though the difference on a guaranteed rookie contract between the 1st and 2nd pick is over $2 million. Guess dad will have to up the price of those shoes.

Mark Cuban says he would “love it” if LaVar Ball appeared on “Shark Tank.” Many Americans at this point would be equally happy if Lavar went into a shark tank. A real one.

There’s a report that Moses Malone Jr. is suing James Harden, alleging that the Rockets’ star paid people to assault and rob Malone because he was upset about a Facebook post.
Crazy.  But reminds us of those not-so-distant days when the most insane stories were on the entertainment and sports pages?

LaVar Ball said today now that if Nike, Under Armour or Adidas want to make a deal w/ him and his Big Baller Brand now,he has raised the asking price to $3 billion. You almost wonder if the guy is trying to prove he has enough ego to work in the Trump administration.

John McCain was asked if he is ruling out any chance of impeachment. And he answered, apparently with a smile “The thought has not crossed my mind.”
Would have loved to see McCain asked if he likes Presidents who don’t get impeached.

Trump leaves Friday, along w/ much of his inner circle, for his 1st foreign trip. Any way while he’s gone we can change White House locks?

Google is launching “Google for Jobs,” a search feature for job seekers that will pull together job postings from all over the internet. Maybe they can beta-test it for staffers now in the White House?

So at this point Melania’s got to be wondering if she can get her deposit back on Barron’s DC area private school for 2017-18.

John Kasich on Trump – “I hate to say I told you so …” Au contraire, I am pretty sure the Ohio governor LOVES to say “I told you so.”

 

Amazing to think that Mike Pence, who wasn’t even favored to win re-election in Indiana, could end up President of the US.  What a country.

Trump has the ability to fire new special prosecutor #RobertMueller Too soon to start a pool on when he will?

 –
Putin “I have transcript of talks between Trump & Russia foreign ministers.” Doesn’t Vlad have transcripts of all WH talks?

 

Many turned on Obama quickly when he couldn’t accomplish everything they wanted. And Trump supporters still back him. #WTF?

This is NOT my joke, a friend found it on Reddit by “Raevix.” But worth sharing: In answer to the question “Why will Congress never impeach Trump?”
“Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.”

Uncovered

May 4, 2017

Now, George Hill, Utah’s point guard and second best score, is out.  If this Warriors-Jazz series was a prize fight they would stop it.

The SF Giants had an off day today after flying for tomorrow’s game against the Reds. Assume manager Bruce Bochy told them all to sit in their Cincinnati hotel and order room service?

LaVar Ball’s Big Baller Brand has just released their Lonzo Ball signature first shoe – “ZO2: Prime.” for $495, about 3 times the price of many NBA stars’ shoes from Nike, Adidas etc.
So does the shoe come with a shirt for your significant other saying “I’m with stupid?”

OK, as of 8:30am Friday in London. Americans could stop worrying about news from #BuckinghamPalace & go back to worrying about next @realDonaldTrump tweet.

#PrincePhilip is retiring. From what?

Can BuckinghamPalace send out another teaser tonight, maybe one of the Queen’s corgis had puppies? We Americans need the distraction.

#JayCutler is apparently trying to become an NFL broadcaster. So instead of “Mic drop” will it be “mic intercept?”

Trump – “No American should be forced to choose between dictates of federal govt & tenets of their faith.” So that includes Muslims?

Some uproar with new book saying Barack Obama proposed to another woman before Michelle. Meanwhile Trump married 2 others before Melania.

An Ohio teacher was fired after a photo showed her dragging a child down a school hallway. So maybe she really wants to work for United Airlines?

A man on an ANA flight from Tokyo to Sydney requested gluten-free meals and for breakfast was served, a banana. US airlines are thinking “And the point is…?

People Magazine reports that Casey Anthony is “bored out of her mind.” “I feel so sorry for her,” said nobody.

Who says women don’t know sports? Greta Van Susteren on #AHCA “It’s like claiming victory in a football game at end of 1st quarter or half.”

All I can figure with GOP house members voting for Trumpcare is they just hope those it hurts die before next election.

 

Americans w/ mental health issues will have a harder time getting healthcare but easier time getting guns. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Would any adult who doesn’t have SOME preexisting condition please stand up? #IAmAPreexistingCondition

All Senate needs to do to kill Trumpcare is introduce an amendment saying all members of Congress must use it for healthcare.

Thanks to Senator Sherrod Brown of Ohio for pointing these out. But hey, if you live a good life you shouldn’t have any of them, right?
“Pre-existing conditions in the new healthcare bill include: AIDS/HIV, acid reflux, acne, ADD, addiction, Alzheimer’s/dementia, anemia, aneurysm, angioplasty, anorexia, anxiety, arrhythmia, arthritis, asthma, atrial fibrillation, autism, bariatric surgery, basal cell carcinoma, bipolar disorder, blood clot, breast cancer, bulimia, bypass surgery, celiac disease, cerebral aneurysm, cerebral embolism, cerebral palsy, cerebral thrombosis, cervical cancer, colon cancer, colon polyps, congestive heart failure, COPD, Crohn’s disease, cystic fibrosis, DMD, depression, diabetes, disabilities, Down syndrome, eating disorder, enlarged prostate, epilepsy, glaucoma, gout, heart disease, heart murmur, heartburn, hemophilia, hepatitis C, herpes, high cholesterol, hypertension, hysterectomy, kidney disease, kidney stones, kidney transplant, leukemia, lung cancer, lupus, lymphoma, mental health issues, migraines, MS, muscular dystrophy, narcolepsy, nasal polyps, obesity, OCD, organ transplant, osteoporosis, pacemaker, panic disorder, paralysis, paraplegia, Parkinson’s disease, pregnancy, restless leg syndrome, schizophrenia, seasonal affective disorder, seizures, sickle cell disease, skin cancer, sleep apnea, sleep disorders, stent, stroke, thyroid issues, tooth disease, tuberculosis, and ulcers. To name a few. “