Posted tagged ‘Raiders jokes’

Hard headed?

September 5, 2019

Antonio Brown may have solved his helmet problem, and now he’s apparently getting suspended by Oakland.  Who had “before the season started? in the pool.

 

Wait, the Steelers actually got two draft picks in exchange for the Raiders taking Antonio Brown off their hands?

 

After blowing a 6 run lead in the 9th, ESPN headline “Mets bullpen bounces back” in an 8-4 win today against Nationals.
Or is it possible Washington hitters were just exhausted?

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that the SF Giants should never pitch to Paul Goldschmidt.

Mayor de Blasio says he may drop out of presidential race in October. WTF? Forget eating pizza with a fork, when has a true New Yorker waited a month for ANYTHING?

So let me get this straight, “Moscow Mitch” says he won’t allow a vote on gun control unless “the President” backs a bill.
But when the last President chose and backed a Supreme Court nominee, he wouldn’t allow a vote either.
Hypocrisy much?

GOP Congressman Dan Crenshaw complains “With universal background checks, I wouldn’t be able to let my friends borrow my handgun.”  Some statements don’t even need a punchline.

But hey, so does Crenshaw loan his car to friends too?  Whether or not they have a license?

 

 

Imagine if after saying he’d campaigned in all 57 states, Barack Obama had insisted on showing us doctored maps showing there really were 57 states.

Did Donald Trump think he wouldn’t be caught altering the National Weather Service hurricane map?
Well, he’s not the Sharpie-est tool in the box.

Fox White House reporter John Roberts on Trump’s efforts to justify his Alabama hurricane mistake – “You can see somebody with a Sharpie or some other writing instruments, added a little bit to the cone of uncertainty, which was not a part of the official forecast.””

Uh oh, someone is not going to be happy with State TV.

 

 

So who had the National Weather Service in Trump insult bingo?

 

So how long until Trump issues a White House invitation for Alabama hurricane survivors?

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Losing it.

May 2, 2017

Greg Hardy says he’s “not a f*cking psychopath.” Right, and he doesn’t have anger issues either.

Raiders top draft pick Gareon Conley’s first said “nothing happened” the night he was accused of rape. Now TMZ reports he said, he said he received “brief oral sex” from his accuser.
So oral sex is nothing. Does this guy want to be an NFL player or run for President?

Real simple solution for #RedSox: Get name, address of anyone behaving like fans did w/ #AdamJones & ban them from buying tickets to Fenway.

But really Red Sox fans, Boston at this point should be better than this.  Racial taunts are never appropriate. And really obnoxious taunts should be saved for the Yankees.

So Joe Mixon has an NFL job and Colin Kaepernick doesn’t. Controversy is clearly a distant 2nd in the league to perceived talent.

Stephen Curry’s was asked what he’s going to do on the Warriors’ day off in Salt Lake City –  “I won’t be riding a dirt bike.”

Too soon?  Mean bitch karma might tell Steph to be careful walking down hotel steps. #pagingJeremyAffeldt

SF Giants pitcher Matt Moore got staked to a 4-0 lead in the top of the 2nd inning against the Dodgers, and then, after a 7 pitch 1st,  promptly gave back 6 runs in the bottom of the inning.  Not much silver lining but maybe a bit of solace for Giants fans who have wondered “if only Bochy had let Moore go one more inning in the 2016 NLDS game 4 against the Cubs.”

Alabama’s Nick Saban will be paid $11.125 million this season. But heaven forbid someone buy one of his college football players dinner.

American Airlines is reducing legroom on some of their flights within the US from 31 to 29 inches. Wonder if they will allow you to put your knees in checked baggage free of charge.

Biggest mistake made with the #fyrefestival? Not hiring Sean Spicer to tell the world how great it was.

 

Understand Hillary still being focused on losing close election maybe she should have won. Can’t understand Trump’s obsession. #sorewinner

Wonder how much we’d need to raise on a #GoFundMe page to get @realDonaldTrump to go back to that previous life he loved so much?

 

“Compassionate conservatism?” GOP Rep. Pittenger on Trumpcare pre-existing conditions. “People can go to state that they want to live in,”

 

Alabama Rep. Mo Brooks on CNN. “My understanding is that (the new Trumpcare) will allow insurance companies to require people who have higher health care costs to contribute more to the insurance pool. That helps offset all these costs, thereby reducing the cost to those people who lead good lives, they’re healthy, they’ve done the things to keep their bodies healthy. And right now, those are the people — who’ve done things the right way — that are seeing their costs skyrocketing.”
Right, because cancer only happens to people who have led bad lives? #WTF?

Trump  tweets – “change rules now to 51%. Country needs a good “shutdown” in Sept. to fix mess!”      But imagine what Obama could have done without filibuster

Austin police say the a man was “suffering from mental health issues” when he allegedly killed a student and injured three others with a hunting knife.  He just had a hunting knife?  Maybe the guy didn’t know the GOP had overturned an Obama rule in order to defend his 2nd amendment rights.

Going, going, not quite gone.

March 28, 2017

The Raiders sent out an email today to Season Ticket Holders offering to let them put down a deposit on tickets in Las Vegas.

 

Isn’t this sort of like your significant other telling you he/she is leaving you for someone else as soon as they get their home built, but she’d love to have you come to the housewarming party.

 

A Nevada brothel owner today said he will open a Raiders-themed bordello in 2020. Meaning that unlike Oakland fans, new Las Vegas fans of the team can at least get value for money while being screwed.

Average high temperature in Las Vegas in September, 95%, down from a 103% in August. But hey, fire up those grills for tailgates. #Raiders

As Raiders prepare to pack up & move, a good time to remember that #SFGiants just paid off their PRIVATELY FUNDED stadium.

Lonzo Ball and Markelle Fultz are likely to be the top 2 chosen in the 2017 NBA draft. Today in an interview, Ball said he can “lead a team better, and that “Markelle’s a great player, but I feel I’m better than him.”
Sounds like the apple doesn’t swagger far from the tree.

The world’s largest dinosaur footprint just found in ‘Australia’s Jurassic Park’. Was it from a pickup game involving Tim Duncan?

 

Heard a commercial for FanDuel fantasy golf. Thinking if you seriously play fantasy golf for money you just might have a gambling problem.

 

White House says Trump turned down invite from #Nationals to throw out 1st pitch Opening Day. Bummer. Would have been Bigliest boos ever.

Has it occurred to anyone in Trump administration that Mexico builds tunnels a lot faster than we could build a wall?

Bill O’Reilly insulted Maxine Waters’ hair. Can someone get Bill drunk and ask him what he really thinks of Donald Trump’s hair?

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Johnny Carson as Carnac would do answers first, then questions. An old favorite -“UCLA.” The question – “What happens when smog clears over Los Angeles?”
Doesn’t seem so funny when Trump signs an executive order getting rid of regulations for clean-air.

President signs  EO gutting fed regulations against climate change. If global warming floods FloridaL could it please start with a Trump golf course?.

#TrumpAFamousQuote “Loving myself means never having to say I’m sorry.”

Supreme Court ruled 9-0 w/ Paula Jones & Clinton that Pres could be sued. Trump now filing motion to overturn. #Fakecourt tweet in 3.2.1…

CNN reports Sean Spicer refused to say who signed Nunes onto the White House grounds late at night, “as would be required protocol.”
Standby for the Trump Executive Order outlawing “required protocol.”

The GAO (Government Accountability Office) is apparently going to look into security costs for Trump’s Mar-A-Lago trips and see if he, as promised, is paying the treasury for profits his hotels make from foreign government visits.
Standby for Trump signing an EO to defund the GAO in 3.2.1….

Quote of the day “There was a very serious effort made by Mr. Putin and his government, his organization, to interfere in major ways with our basic, fundamental democratic processes. In some quarters that would be considered an act of war.”
But who listens to crazy liberals like Dick Cheney?

 

Checkpoint Charlie museum honors those who died trying to scale the Berlin wall for a better life. Will Mexico build museum if Trump ever builds his wall?

 

 

Lonzo Ball and Markelle Fultz are likely to be the top 2 chosen in the 2017 NBA draft. Today in an interview, Ball said he can “lead a team better, and that “Markelle’s a great player, but I feel I’m better than him.”
Sounds like the apple doesn’t swagger far from the tree.

Cavalier treatment

March 27, 2017

It’s beginning to look possible that even without Tim Duncan the San Antonio Spurs are a pretty good basketball team.

(San Antonio 103- Cleveland 74.)

San Antonio assistant coach Becky Hammon apparently turned down the head coaching job with the women’s basketball team at the University of Florida. Clearly the idea of a woman coach staying in their locker room didn’t hurt the Spurs too badly tonight against the Cavs.

 

Looking at way UConn women are cutting a swath through their NCAA tournament you almost wonder if they should have been seeded w/ the men.

#Raiders moving to Vegas. Still may be cheaper for Oakland fans to fly to Las Vegas for a game than buy tickets in #Warriors new SF arena.

Jed York, on the Raiders move “I don’t think it’s a big win for the 49ers.” Well, yeah, Oakland fans have gotten used to watching a professional team.

Only vote against #Raiders move came from #Dolphins. Did Miami owner have dreams of moving to Vegas himself?

 

Being a San Francisco Bay Area fan of the Saints and Spurs, there are some advantages: Teams can’t break your heart by moving out of town. The SF Giants on the other hand, better stay put.

Cleveland LT Joe Thomas says no one has signed Colin Kaepernick for this year because he’s a “distraction.” Hmm, the way the Browns play guessing their fans could use all the distractions they can get.

Now it comes out that Nunes says he was on the White House grounds the day before revealing Trump surveillance info. because he was just looking for a safe place to go over the information.
If this were a movie script it might be rejected as too unbelievable.

I will believe airlines have a real dress code first time they kick some man off flight for wearing inappropriate clothing

The Dow is down for an 8th straight day. #WWTB – Who will Trump blame?

The Trump administration wants $1 billion funding just to cover 62 miles of their proposed border wall. $1 billion?! All of a sudden California’s proposed high-speed rail is looking like a bargain.

Jeff Sessions says “sanctuary cities must end.” So anyone who wants protection after committing a crime better join Trump administration.

Now Tomi Lahren has been suspended permanently from the Blaze for saying she was pro-choice. So has her slippery slope to liberalism begun?

In Russia, opposition leader Alexei Navalny was sentenced today Monday to 15 days in jail and fined $350 for leading anti-govt protests in Moscow. Wonder if Trump has called Putin saying “How do you do that?”

Maybe you should dance like there’s nobody watching. but that doesn’t mean you should govern that way.

The gift that keeps on giving

December 20, 2016

#Starbucks has come up with a Fruitcake Frappuccino. So will it be shelf stable so it can be re-gifted for years?

 

#SF49ers & #Rams play on December 24. Wait a minute, aren’t Americans supposed to wait until Christmas day for a traditional turkey?

NCAA gave Rutgers football notice of 7 possible violations. Can they threaten to make Scarlet Knights bowl-ineligible with a straight face?

Journey has been selected to the Rock and Rock Hall of Fame. Good omen for 2017 SF Giants? #dontstopbelieving

Fire crews were called to the Palace of Auburn Hills this morning. Two-alarm blaze, unknown origin. Well, something’s was on fire and it’s sure not the Pistons.

The Arizona Cardinals released Michael Floyd after his DUI arrest, his 2nd, along with two other “alcohol-related Incidents” at Notre Dame. Reportedly it wasn’t just the arrest but the wide receiver’s lack of remorse.
Now Floyd’s been picked up by the New England Patriots and is heading to the playoffs. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

 

 

A video posted to FB by a fan appears to show a security guard at Qualcomm masturbating during while the Chargers-Raiders played last Sunday. Disturbing, yes But on the other hand at least someone from San Diego got some pleasure out of that game.

Some complain Christian McCaffery should play for Stanford in the Sun Bowl, that it should be about the game and not the future money. Right, except that Stanford by ranking should have been in the Holiday Bowl in sunny San Diego. But instead the Cardinal are in El Paso, where it could snow on Christmas, and be tough conditions, because the Holiday Bowl bypassed them in hopes of getting more fans, i.e. money, from WSU, #karmadoesntlovebowlgames

 

#LenaDunham just said “I still haven’t had an abortion. But I wish I had.”  Now she apologized and said it was a  “distasteful joke”.  Sigh.  Proof positive that no political party or persuasion has a monopoly on stupid.

If the Democratic party wants to look ahead, and we should, here’s an example of the kind of thing to stop: Yesterday, only two electors defected from Trump; four Democratic electors refused to vote for Clinton.

Ugh, many dead from an explosion fireworks market in Mexico City. This is a time when the U.S. is poised to give up even more of our civil liberties, not to mention spend more money. in fighting terrorism. But at the same time the incoming administration wants to eliminate more safety regulations as anti-business….
Yes, terrorism kills. So does carelessness. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong?

Playing the black – or red -hole?

August 26, 2016

The Oakland Raiders have filed to trademark the name “Las Vegas Raiders.” If they move will the team’s new motto be “Against all odds?”

Now that the Olympics is over, NBC’s next big televised event is the first Presidential debate on September 26. Wonder if the network will show it some time before the actual election?

 

Anyone who thinks baseball is boring wasn’t watching Thursday night’s Giants Dodgers game and Matt Moore’s near no-hitter.

=

 

Former MLB pitcher David Aardsma said Tim Tebow impressed him in practice sessions, and made a lot of progress with his hitting and adjusments: “It actually really pissed me off.”
Of course, Tebow still may not be anywhere close to a major league hitter. Which means these days he’d fit right in on the SF Giants.

 

Silver lining to the #SFGIants recent free fall? #Dodgers can no longer block any trades they make on the waiver wire.

Ryan Lochte has a new sponsorship deal with Pine Brothers for throat lozenges – “Forgiving on your throat.”
What about Depends “When you gotta go…”

Martin Shkreli is speaking out on behalf of Mylan, the company that raised EpiPens prices by over 500%, saying “Can’t someone succeed and not be shamed anymore?” #MakeAmericaIrateAgain

 

All flights in and out of Ft. Lauderdale and Miami were halted today due to a power outrage at the Miami Terminal Radar Approach Control center. Standby for airlines instituting a new “back up battery fee.”

A 59 year old woman who died falling from a Delaware zip line platform had apparently “disconnected herself from the safety system.” Sad, and her adult daughter posted a nice tribute online. But having a daughter means alas the woman was too late for a true Darwin award.

It took a last minute scramble to get Donald Trump on the ballot in Minnesota as the party hadn’t submitted the required names of electors who officially cast the state’s votes. Even in his SNL days, Al Franken couldn’t make this “stuff” up.

After a new ad was released with KKK images, a Trump spokesman said “Hillary Clinton and her campaign went to a disgusting new low today as they released a video tying the Trump Campaign with horrific racial images.”
Right, but videos demonizing refugees and immigrants, those are all just part of how we make America great again. #sarcasm

 

Donald Trump said tonight his great wall at the Mexican border will be 35-45 feet tall, it could be higher. The Great Wall of China, btw, averages 26 feet tall. Wonder how much of Trump’s wall height will be his name in neon?

Trump tweet. “Hillary Clinton’s short speech is pandering to the worst instincts in our society. She should be ashamed of herself!”
Guess he didn’t have enough characters also to tweet “That’s MY job.”

Bill Littlejohn on the Raiders potential move – “Two Las Vegas sites are preferred for NFL stadiums—but first, infared cameras had to make sure there weren’t any bodies buried in them.”

What’s in an (insulting) name?

April 14, 2016

Lots of uproar over a Sanders supporter using the term ‪#‎Democraticwhores‬. Hillary fans are outraged. Meanwhile Bill is going “whores?  where?

 

Really? A Rockies fan was kicked out of Coors Field for throwing a home run ball (hit by the Giants Trevor Brown) back onto the field. Good thing they don’t have that silly rule at Dodger Stadium. Madbum is hitting (and pitching) tomorrow night.

Rough couple days for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ pitchers at Coors Field, giving up 21 runs in two days. But it could be worse, they could have given up all those runs interspersed with snow delays. (And yes, it is going to snow this weekend in Denver. Happy Spring.)

Lots of attention on the Warriors winning 73 games. And over in Oakland the As are thinking “With luck we can do that this year too.”

Meanwhile, in the NFL,  Oakland and SF may combine to honor Golden State: this year’s Raiders are likely to win 7 games, while the 49ers are likely to win 3.

 

So what’s going to happen next? The Golden State Warriors lose a game? Or the Minnesota Twins or Atlanta Braves win a game?

 

So with this the 9th Democratic debate  was there any point other than both sides hoping for a “gotcha” moment? ‪#‎sanders‬ ‪#‎clinton‬

 

American Airlines has complained that TSA lines meant 6,800 of their passengers missed flights in just one week from March 14-20. Of course American is not complaining about all the change fees they were able to charge those passengers.

Microsoft is suing the DOJ to prevent the government from going through users’ personal emails without notice. The company feels strongly that such an invasion of privacy should not be allowed, except by Microsoft and their advertisers.

Canada is looking into passing an assisted suicide bill for terminally ill patients, but will not allow “suicide tourism” for Americans. Especially presumably after the November elections.

 

In Wisconsin a high school teacher who has been charged with having sex with her 16-year old student allegedly slept with him the night of her husband’s bachelor party and sent him selfies from her honeymoon. Your move, Florida.

Al Sharpton, after Bill de Blasio and Hillary Clinton used a reference to “C.P” time in a skit – “Y’all got to leave all these jokes alone. Just, don’t even talk about race for a while.” Does it count as a joke to reference black pots and kettles?

All this commotion over the phrase “C.P. time” when used by NY Mayor DeBlasio, who is married to a black woman. Now, maybe in a P.C. age it wasn’t the best joke. But while we’re at it, I’ve heard in Hawaii and Jamaica and much of the Caribbean “Island time,” in Mexico “Mexican minutes,” from a lot of men “girl time” or “girl ready” and from someone married to a woman from Delhi “Indian Standard time.” So maybe we should all lighten up?

The Lakers apparently sold $1.2 million in Kobe Bryant merchandise yesterday. Although just think about how much the team might have made had they released Bryant a few years ago and built a team that could reach the playoffs.

 

From Alex Kaseberg   “In his last game, the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant scored 60 points to beat the Utah Jazz. Now, I don’t want to say Utah rigged the game for Kobe, but Custer played better defense against Sitting Bull.”