Posted tagged ‘Las Vegas Jokes’

Cavalier treatment

March 27, 2017

It’s beginning to look possible that even without Tim Duncan the San Antonio Spurs are a pretty good basketball team.

(San Antonio 103- Cleveland 74.)

San Antonio assistant coach Becky Hammon apparently turned down the head coaching job with the women’s basketball team at the University of Florida. Clearly the idea of a woman coach staying in their locker room didn’t hurt the Spurs too badly tonight against the Cavs.

 

Looking at way UConn women are cutting a swath through their NCAA tournament you almost wonder if they should have been seeded w/ the men.

#Raiders moving to Vegas. Still may be cheaper for Oakland fans to fly to Las Vegas for a game than buy tickets in #Warriors new SF arena.

Jed York, on the Raiders move “I don’t think it’s a big win for the 49ers.” Well, yeah, Oakland fans have gotten used to watching a professional team.

Only vote against #Raiders move came from #Dolphins. Did Miami owner have dreams of moving to Vegas himself?

 

Being a San Francisco Bay Area fan of the Saints and Spurs, there are some advantages: Teams can’t break your heart by moving out of town. The SF Giants on the other hand, better stay put.

Cleveland LT Joe Thomas says no one has signed Colin Kaepernick for this year because he’s a “distraction.” Hmm, the way the Browns play guessing their fans could use all the distractions they can get.

Now it comes out that Nunes says he was on the White House grounds the day before revealing Trump surveillance info. because he was just looking for a safe place to go over the information.
If this were a movie script it might be rejected as too unbelievable.

I will believe airlines have a real dress code first time they kick some man off flight for wearing inappropriate clothing

The Dow is down for an 8th straight day. #WWTB – Who will Trump blame?

The Trump administration wants $1 billion funding just to cover 62 miles of their proposed border wall. $1 billion?! All of a sudden California’s proposed high-speed rail is looking like a bargain.

Jeff Sessions says “sanctuary cities must end.” So anyone who wants protection after committing a crime better join Trump administration.

Now Tomi Lahren has been suspended permanently from the Blaze for saying she was pro-choice. So has her slippery slope to liberalism begun?

In Russia, opposition leader Alexei Navalny was sentenced today Monday to 15 days in jail and fined $350 for leading anti-govt protests in Moscow. Wonder if Trump has called Putin saying “How do you do that?”

Maybe you should dance like there’s nobody watching. but that doesn’t mean you should govern that way.

Full service.

March 13, 2014

The Mandalay Bay Resort will pay a $500,000 fine after admitting that employees provided drugs and prostitutes to guests. Gosh, that resort fee really covers everything.

Will Adam Vinatieri, 41, signed for two more years with the Colts, be the first NFL player to have his own line of orthopedic shoes?

 

 

A University of Kentucky fan just got a tattoo saying “National champions 2014 UK.” Since he is from Kentucky what’s more amazing? That the young man has that much faith in his team? Or that he spelled it all correctly?

Amazon is raising the price of Prime from $79 to $99 a year. Guess that delivery drone research is expensive.

Oscar Pistorius vomited again in court, this time when seeing a picture of the body of his ex-girlfriend. If the “Blade Runner” is so adverse to violence maybe he should have gotten rid of the guns and left his security to experts.

Another thought about the Pistorius trial. So if his girlfriend wasn’t afraid of him that night, why did she lock the bathroom door? As most couples know, in the middle of the night, your significant other doesn’t often bother even to CLOSE the bathroom door.

A US Airways plane blew a tire tonight while taking off from Philadelphia tonight. All passengers on board were evacuated with no injuries. Wonder how long it will take for someone to add a spare tire fee.

United Airlines flight delayed because catering forgot to board bottled water. #makesyouwonderwhatelsetheyforgot

Just a thought about that Malaysian Airlines plane having flown for as much as hours after they lost contact. Even if it were hijacked they really believe no one would have used their cellphone at least to email or text? Get messages from clients all the time in the air, whether or not the plane has legal wifi….

 

 

Regarding all those conspiracy theories about Malaysian flight 370, there hasn’t been anyone either claiming responsibility, or offering to tell a story to the media. I could be wrong, but keep thinking of that line “Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.”

 

Rutgers’ men’s basketball team lost tonight to Louisville 31 to 92?! Yes, a 61 point loss. With a performance like that are the Scarlet Knights trying to be named honorary members of the NBA Eastern Conference?

 

Florida strikes again. Now according to prosecutors, the former police officer who allegedly shot and killed a man who was texting in a movie theatre, had used HIS OWN PHONE to text his son a few minutes earlier….

 

(although RIP former Florida Governor Reubin Askew.  Yes, there was a time before Florida was a punchline.)

 

Mets’ pitching coach Dan Warthen issued a statement last night to apologize for an Asian racial slur in the clubhouse. Uh oh, does the NFL need to add to their penalty word list?

 

 

This bus to hell moment brought to you by TC from BC. “Rumor has it that there is a sex tape in circulation starring Johnny Carson. I wonder if Ed McMahon does a audio voiceover  – “Heeeeeeerrrrre Comes Johnny!”

Catching a rising star?

February 16, 2012

The Golden State Warriors are playing better of late, but they don’t have any real stars, and can’t seem to attract the kind of player who gets national attention and becomes a media sensation.. Gosh, wonder where they could possibly find a player like that?. Oops, never mind….

How big a sensation is Jeremy Lin in New York? Out of habit the Yankees offered him a free agent contract.

So Tim Tebow is #15, Jeremy Lin is #17. Wonder how many teams are scouting minor league baseball for a young Christian player wearing #19?

Mars Inc, the candy maker of Snickers, Twix, and Three Musketeers, for examples, has announced they will stop selling chocolate products with more than 250 calories in them by the end of 2013.

You know what that means, same price, less candy.

Old newspaper clippings show that Rick Santorum, in his first run for Congress in 1990, referred to himself as a “progressive conservative,” and said he tried to “dance around,” the issue of abortion. Who does Rick think he is? Mitt Romney?

Las Vegas’ newest museum opened this week. The National Museum of Organized Crime & Law Enforcement, aka the Mob Museum. Wonder if their ticket policy will be “Free admission, but you’ll really pay to get out.”

(my friend Michael M. says “he hears it’s a real hit.” Rich says, “make them an offer they can’t refuse.”)

President Obama’s approval rating is back up to 50%. Which means Americans are feeling better about the country. Either that or they have been watching the GOP primaries and going “Are you effing kidding me?”.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview with Allure magazine that her next wedding won’t include any cameras. Hmm. I think I like “until death do us part” better.

Rick Santorum talks about tort reform, and capping medical malpractice awards at $250,000. His wife, however, sued her chiropractor for $500,000 in 1999 because she alleged he incorrectly performed a spinal adjustment. Yeah, guess this means Santorum’s passed the political hypocrisy test.

The Santa Clara city council approved the new 49ers stadium last night, which means the 49ers are officially moving state. Many San Franciscans are upset about losing “their” team. But unlike the Giants and Jets, at least the 49ers will still be playing in the same state.

Four football players were amongst 17 TCU students arrested on drug charges. Well, looks like the Horned Frogs have finally joined the ranks of the big-time college football programs.

Rocket scientist award of the week: A Northern California man missed his flight after TSA at Oakland found marijuana in a peanut butter jar in his carry-on bag. The stupidity isn’t so much the marijuana. They might have missed that. But a jar is more than 3 ounces, and peanut butter IS classified as a liquid.

One nice unintended consequence of the Jeremy Lin story – It has finally knocked the Peyton Manning-Colts story off the front page.

A customer at Las Vegas’s Heart Attack Grill was eating a Triple Bypass Burger” (1 1/2 lbs of beef and 12 bacon slices)) last weekend when he actually had a heart attack. The man is recovering. But what’s more disgusting, the idea of a 24 oz burger with that much bacon, or the idea there are probably lawyers ready to help him sue?

Vegas, the Cubs and other fantasies

July 25, 2010

Latest trend in Las Vegas, all-day “All You Can Eat” buffet passes. Thereby helping ensure, “what happens in Vegas stays on your hips.”


Cher is headlining again in Las Vegas. I don’t want to say her face looks a little tight, but even Nancy Pelosi commented, “that woman has had too much work done.”


Another thought on Cher? Not to say she has had a lot of plastic surgery. But it may have taken more work to get her to look like she does not, than to turn her daughter Chastity into a dude..


Latest trend in Las Vegas – 24 hour “All You Can Eat” buffet passes. Thereby helping ensure “What happens in Vegas, stays on your hips.”


Saturday night in Las Vegas was a Justin Bieber concert. You have to figure that for any adult man at the show not with his daughter(s), bouncers should have run them through a sex offenders registry.


The opening line in 2010, meaning “betting odds” on the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series was 5 to 1, it’s now at 40 to 1. Who knows what it will be in 2011? For Cubs fans, it’s become sort of the betting equivalent of putting money with Bernie Madoff.


After Lane Kiffin hired away a Titans assistant without the standard courtesy call to the team first, Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher said he was “very disappointed in the lack of professionalism on behalf of Lane.” Which means until now Fisher might have been the only person in America who thought Kiffin had ANY professionalism.


Alex Rodriguez, an admitted steroids user, is closing in on this 600th home run. And in Paris, the Tour de France crowned another champion amidst clouds of suspicion that darken every year. It’s enough to make sports fans for the purity and honesty of pro-wrestling.

After Friday’s SF Giants win, Henry Schulman of the SF Chronice wrote: “Manager Bruce Bochy gave Buster Posey a night off Friday and guess what? Planets did not collide, animals did not start talking in tongues, and the Giants did not lose.

But to be fair, they were playing the Arizona Diamondbacks.


Colorado pitcher, Ubaldo Jiminez, who started off the year with a 0.78 ERA in April and May, has a 5.67 ERA in June and July. This might be the fastest anyone’s stock has fallen since Lehmann Brothers.

Major League Baseball has announced the first testing for HGH – Human Growth Hormone. But the tests will apply only to minor league teams. “Aren’t we suffering enough?”, responded the Baltimore Orioles.