Posted tagged ‘Oscar Pistorius jokes’

All wet?

October 13, 2014

Game 3 of the ALCS was been postponed due to rain. Which means the lead sports story Monday was  Monday Night Football.   So at least that didn’t change.


The game was scheduled to be on TBS,   had it been scheduled for ESPN no doubt the network would have run a “Derek Jeter’s greatest playoff moments” retrospective.


The Baltimore Orioles are no doubt particularly disappointed that Monday’s ALCS game was rained out and not just delayed. Playing in serious mud might be the only way to slow the Kansas City Royals rabbits down.


#‎Rams‬ looked like they could use ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ on defense ‪#‎49ers‬ ‪#‎MNF‬

How can you not love ‪#‎HunterPence‬? Apparently he made his own sign “Hunter Pence will work for ring.” ‪#‎HunterPenceSigns‬ ‪#‎SFGiants

NC State suspended 7 players this week for a “BB gun incident” involving a “game with the guns” last week. A game with guns? Wonder if the players were immediately offered transfer opportunities to schools in Texas or Florida?

A photo has been circulating showing Ole Miss star DL Robert Nkemdiche allegedly using a bong. Coach Hugh Freeze says “appropriate measures were taken.” Translation, Nkemdiche has probably been suspended for the 1st quarter of the Nov. 8th game vs Presbyterian.

So NBC News’ Dr. Nancy Snyderman’s violated an Ebola quarantine to get some SOUP at Peasant Grill in New Jersey. What’s the restaurant’s new slogan going to be “Soup worth dying for.”? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬


Wouldn’t it have been simpler for ‪#‎jameiswinston‬ if he just traded autographs for crab legs? ‪#‎FSU‬

The head of the NIH said that budget cuts might be the reason we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, which the agency has been working on over a decade. But really, why should we let all this fear and hysteria turn into a discussion about money and science?

A psychologist said Oscar Pistorius is a “broken man” after shooting his girlfriend last year. Yeah, apparently the pain is affecting Pistorius’s relationship with the new girlfriend he met last December.

A social worker testifying for the defense in the Oscar Pistorius trial said that an appropriate punishment for Pistorius would be 16 hours of community service, house arrest (in a mansion), and that he should be allowed to continue with his career as an athlete. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking “Are you nuts?”

Points for honesty. Senator Mitch McConnell, who reported that he is worth $11.97 million, debated challenger Alison Grimes tonight, and argued against increasing the minimum wage.  Grimes challenged McConnell about having become rich in office but not caring about the poor.

His response “To claim that I got rich at public expense — she knows that that’s a result of an inheritance that my wife got when her mother passed away.” In other words, I inherited my money fair and square.


Former NY Times executive editor Jill Abramson said that Condoleezza Rice asked the paper in 2003 to kill a story on the CIA not being able to stop Iran’s nuclear program. Standby for FOX News to explain to us all how Barack Obama really made her do it.

And Columbus Day is over, a semi-holiday for most Americans with banks and the post office and some schools closed, but most offices open. And many want to change the name.  But as Alex Kaseberg says  “Personally I think we should stay with Columbus Day. Go to your job, do half of what you were supposed to do, declare it a huge success and then get as many people sick as you can.”


Full service.

March 13, 2014

The Mandalay Bay Resort will pay a $500,000 fine after admitting that employees provided drugs and prostitutes to guests. Gosh, that resort fee really covers everything.

Will Adam Vinatieri, 41, signed for two more years with the Colts, be the first NFL player to have his own line of orthopedic shoes?



A University of Kentucky fan just got a tattoo saying “National champions 2014 UK.” Since he is from Kentucky what’s more amazing? That the young man has that much faith in his team? Or that he spelled it all correctly?

Amazon is raising the price of Prime from $79 to $99 a year. Guess that delivery drone research is expensive.

Oscar Pistorius vomited again in court, this time when seeing a picture of the body of his ex-girlfriend. If the “Blade Runner” is so adverse to violence maybe he should have gotten rid of the guns and left his security to experts.

Another thought about the Pistorius trial. So if his girlfriend wasn’t afraid of him that night, why did she lock the bathroom door? As most couples know, in the middle of the night, your significant other doesn’t often bother even to CLOSE the bathroom door.

A US Airways plane blew a tire tonight while taking off from Philadelphia tonight. All passengers on board were evacuated with no injuries. Wonder how long it will take for someone to add a spare tire fee.

United Airlines flight delayed because catering forgot to board bottled water. #makesyouwonderwhatelsetheyforgot

Just a thought about that Malaysian Airlines plane having flown for as much as hours after they lost contact. Even if it were hijacked they really believe no one would have used their cellphone at least to email or text? Get messages from clients all the time in the air, whether or not the plane has legal wifi….



Regarding all those conspiracy theories about Malaysian flight 370, there hasn’t been anyone either claiming responsibility, or offering to tell a story to the media. I could be wrong, but keep thinking of that line “Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.”


Rutgers’ men’s basketball team lost tonight to Louisville 31 to 92?! Yes, a 61 point loss. With a performance like that are the Scarlet Knights trying to be named honorary members of the NBA Eastern Conference?


Florida strikes again. Now according to prosecutors, the former police officer who allegedly shot and killed a man who was texting in a movie theatre, had used HIS OWN PHONE to text his son a few minutes earlier….


(although RIP former Florida Governor Reubin Askew.  Yes, there was a time before Florida was a punchline.)


Mets’ pitching coach Dan Warthen issued a statement last night to apologize for an Asian racial slur in the clubhouse. Uh oh, does the NFL need to add to their penalty word list?



This bus to hell moment brought to you by TC from BC. “Rumor has it that there is a sex tape in circulation starring Johnny Carson. I wonder if Ed McMahon does a audio voiceover  – “Heeeeeeerrrrre Comes Johnny!”

Marching forward.

March 8, 2014

Friday night, Harvard beat Yale to become the first team to reach the NCAA tournament.   Meaning it’s just about time for those words that gladden the hearts of sports fans across America:  “Gentlemen, (and ladies), start your brackets.”

Due to a Labor dispute, MLS says they are starting the season Saturday with replacement referees. Although if the refs screw up, will any Americans notice?

Nike just signed Johnny Manziel to a major contract. Making their new internal motto for him. “If you’re considering something stupid, Just Don’t Do It.”

Beginning to look in Oscar Pistorius’s case like his only hope for being found innocent would have been getting the trial moved to Los Angeles.

Rutgers has to fire their men’s basketball coach after a video surfaces of him abusing players, new AD Julie Hermann had issues at Tennessee, then their star alum Ray Rice gets arrested. So the university’s idea of a calming gesture is to appoint as their commencement speaker …. Condoleezza Rice?!

The #Lakers lost to the #Clippers last night by 48. Bad enough to lose by 48? Even Jack Nicholson can’t handle this truth.

Rumor has it that the NY Knicks have been talking to Phil Jackson about their coaching job. Maybe the Lakers are making NY look attractive by comparison?

March 7-8 is theoretically the “National Day of Unplugging.” And of course, there are apps that are supposed to help you unplug. But since for many it’s mostly about acting cool and saying you have the ability to go offline, what about an app that has your device PRETEND it’s unplugged?

For fans of train wrecks, it’s a real shame the Philadelphia 76ers aren’t playing the Los Angeles Lakers any more this season. Would be fun to see both teams try to disprove the NBA rule that “SOMEONE’s got to win.”

The Los Angeles Times claims two anonymous members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences voted for “12 Years a Slave” as Best Picture, without actually seeing the movie. Of course, wonder how many people vote for Congress without ever seeing anything from the candidates.

Albertson’s has purchased and will merge with Safeway. No doubt for consumers this means all the wonderful sort of benefits that accrue with airline mergers.

Say it ain’t so. New Orleans look to be parting ways with Darrin Sproles. The only Saint where you can buy your kid a jersey, and have it be the same size the player wears.

Brad Penny has been released by the KC Royals after reportedly punching a wall. Who does he think he is? Kevin Brown?

No such thing as bad publicity?

February 22, 2013

The NFL apparently wants to move their  combine, the start of free agency, and the draft, to early March, April and May respectively. This so the league has one “big event” each month during the offseason. Well, other than arrests.

If Oscar Pistorius is released on bail, his coach said the “Blade Runner” will resume training next week. And here Nike thought Tiger Woods’ marital issues made him an embarrassing spokesperson.

At this point the Pistorius investigation is inviting comparisons to the O.J. Simpson case.  But so far, compared to the South Africans, the LAPD is looking competent.


Former Illinois sergeant Drew Peterson was sentenced to 38 years for the drowning death of his third wife, Kathleen Savio. The case shocked state residents. They’re not used to sending policemen to prison, only politicians.

The NY Post reported that Lindsay Lohan ended up ruining a $1750 dress she borrowed for Fashion Week. Shocking. Who would be stupid enough to loan Lindsay a dress


Bill Littlejohn, on Art Imitating Life.  “Lew Temple — Axel from The Walking Dead — was once a scout for the Houston Astros.”

Indiana’s state Senate advanced a bill to “protect women’s safety” by requiring an transvaginal ultrasound both before and after having a first trimester abortion. Well, while they’re at it, how about protecting men’s safety by requiring a rectal ultrasound before and after a prostrate exam?

The lawyer for the former mayor of Bell, California, who is on trial for misappropriating funds, says his client was too uneducated to realize that his $100,000 salary for a part-time job was illegal. I think I like “fell into a lifeboat” better.

Welcome to America. Quote from a English tourist about the shootout on the Las Vegas Strip this morning: “This doesn’t happen where we come from. We get stabbings, but this is like something out of a movie. Like ‘Die Hard’ or something.”

Back to the Oscar show. Okay, maybe this is U.S.-centric, but I’m having a hard time imagining how a detective who is facing an attempted murder charge even gets on another murder case in the first place.

Walker this way?

February 21, 2013

Mark Hamill, 61, says that his Luke Skywalker character will probably appear in the new Star Wars movie. This time of course, with Skywalker using a Sky Walker.

You cannot make this “stuff” up: Former N.M Senator Pete Domenici, who voted to impeach Clinton, now admits he had an out-of-wedlock son 30 years ago himself. (With the daughter of Paul Laxalt, who was a Senator from Nevada at the time.) Ah, family values.

Holland America is going to have a “Dancing with the Stars” cruise. Well, for some men we’ve probably got a vacation prospect less appealing than going on the Carnival Triumph.


One way in which celibacy will make Pope Benedict’s retirement easier: He won’t be dealing with a wife saying “Infallibility, schmallibility, just take the  damn garbage out.”


Now it turns out the lead detective in the Oscar Pistorius case is himself facing attempted murder charges? Who knew that the South African police might end up making the LAPD with the O.J. Simpson case look good?

Good thing at least in the Pistorius case no gloves seem to be involved. Yet.

But seriously, while no one absolutely knows what happened that night, anyone doubt that if  Pistorius had been  a non-celebrity with this story about shooting his girlfriend ,  they’d already be discussing sentencing and plea bargains?-


UCF, (University of Central Florida), just became a D1 football school in 1996. Today the school shut down most fraternity and sorority activities as it investigates two frats for alleged hazing and alcohol abuse. Guess it didn’t take the UCF Greek system long to advance to the big time.

The Univ. of North Dakota suspended men’s basketball announcer Paul Ralston for two games after he used the phrase “choke job” regarding a recent loss. During his suspension wonder if Ralston has been offered the chance to do announce spring training games for the Chicago Cubs.


Former U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson pleaded guilty to misusing campaign funds, saying in a statement: “I offer no excuses for my conduct and I fully accept my responsibility for the improper decisions and mistakes I have made.” What? No blaming it on the media or his enemies? The guy clearly doesn’t belong in politics.


A legal claim filed in Antioch, California accused a teacher of duct-taping an 8-year old boy’s mouth to keep him quiet. Which if true, is awful. Duct-tape has no place as a silencer involving children – unless it’s used on the parents of Little Leaguers.

From Tony Alan Banks:  “Roger Clemens needs to be tested. For Massengill or Summer’s Eve.”