Posted tagged ‘FSU jokes’

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Crime and pun-ishment?

July 10, 2015

An arbitrator has reduced the Cowboys’ Greg Hardy suspension from 10 to four games. This for assaulting his girlfriend and threatening to kill her. Well, not like Hardy did anything serious like smoking marijuana.

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Miss Nevada USA 2007 was arrested for alleged possession and sale of meth this week. Hmm, wonder if she told pageant officials that her career goal was to teach science?

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Ohio State QB Braxton Miller “As it stands right now, I know I am the best athlete in college football.” Uh, he might not even be the best athlete at OSU.

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A warrant has been issued for the arrest of FSU RB Dalvin Cook, 19, who is accused of repeatedly punching a 21-year-old woman in the face outside a bar in June. This after he completed pre-trial intervention for a bb-gun battle last June and was investigated for allegedly waving a gun at a neighbor in July of 2014.

Cook was the Seminoles’ leading rusher last season, gaining 1,008 yards with 8 TDs. Guessing he’ll be dismissed from the team. But is it too soon to start a pool on which SEC team will announce he’s a nice young man who deserves a second chance?

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RB Dalvin Cook, facing arrest for assault, has been cut from the Seminoles football team. FSU coach Jimbo Fisher – “It is important to me that our fans and the public be aware that I do not tolerate the type of behavior that was captured on video and that was most recently alleged.”

Well, at least he’s honest about the “captured on video” part”

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Happiest baseball people who are not ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans tonight. Anyone whose team was hoping to trade for Cole Hamels and wanted a lower price.  (Final score  -SF 15- PHL 2.)

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#‎SFGiants‬ are undefeated in 2015 when they score 15 runs.

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The Confederate flag has been removed from the South Carolina capitol. Let’s hope not too many people fired guns in the air to celebrate.

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Many men don’t get the fascination with “The Bachelorette,” especially this year where a woman tells a guy he is “the one,” then goes and sleeps with someone else, and may yet go back to the first guy. They’d rather deal with watching serious stuff like NFL free agency……

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A new study says that 10% of Americans take fish oil pills, but that the omega-3s in the pills may not be beneficial at all for heart health. Of course, have to wonder how many people take them along with meals featuring double-bacon-cheeseburgers….

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Today’s bus to hell moment courtesy of T. C.  “Michael Sam is back with the Montreal Alouettes CFL team. He returned without much fanfare. It’s almost like he snuck in the back door.”

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Ruled out?

May 20, 2015

The NFL is apparently about to change the Point After Touchdown (PAT) rule. Oakland Raiders fans are asking “The what?”

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Former Notre Dame quarterback Everett Golson is transferring to Florida State and will play for the Seminoles next year. Well, at least he won’t have to worry anymore about being suspended for “poor academic judgment.”

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ESPN is reporting that the NFL and New England Patriots are having “back-channel conversations” to see if they can settle Deflategate differences without an appeal or litigation. Translation, so Brady can play against the Cowboys in week 4, and Kraft and Goodell can still have dinner together….

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Patriots owner Bob Kraft said the team will not appeal the NFL fine and loss of draft picks over Deflategate. Meaning there’s probably a deal to reduce Brady’s suspension. And what’s $1 million anyway. The Pats can always raise beer prices.

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To boost sales, KFC is bringing back Colonel Sanders, and coming out with a fancier restaurant design. What’s next, actually spending money to improve the quality of their food?

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The minor league baseball Fresno Grizzlies have joined the creative ballpark food bandwagon with “Frankenslice” – a pizza with hot dogs wrapped in the crust. Does it come with a discount coupon for an EKG?

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UPS will reportedly pay $25 million in claims for falsifying “on-time” claims for ten years. And the airlines are thinking “You can do that?”

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Walmart’s income $1.03 a share in the first quarter, when analysts had expected $1.05 a share. And the company blamed it partly on higher raising worker wages to at least $9 a hour. The company ended up only making $3.1 billion. Wonder if Walmart sells violins so we can get them out and play them….

 

A Rasmussen poll says 46% of voters want George Stephanopoulos banned after t came out that he donated $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation. Okay, maybe not a smart move but did any one actually think the former Clinton staffer was unbiased before? (Maybe about as many as actually believe “Fair and balanced.”)

 

Bryce Harper has 10 home runs in the last 12 games. Even Barry Bonds is thinking “Who’d be idiotic enough to throw him a strike?”

 

So after the Waco biker shootings, Texas is moving ahead with an “Open Carry” bill that will LOOSEN handgun laws, with leglislators saying things like the law had nothing to do with the shooting and it’s not as if the current law stopped them. ‪#‎Whatcouldpossiblyhavebeenworse‬? ‪#‎Whatcouldpossiblygowrong‬

 

#‎Knicks‬ fall to #4 in the ‪#‎NBADraft‬. Karmic punishment for being stupid enough to beat the ‪#‎Hawks‬ and ‪#‎Spurs‬ down the stretch.

 

 

Of course, it’s all relative. The worst-in-the-league ‪#‎Timberwolves‬ got the 1st pick in the ‪#‎NBADraft‬ but already had Rookie of the Year Andrew Wiggins. Meanwhile the last time the ‪#‎Spurs‬ had a lottery pick they took a young man named ‪#‎TimDuncan‬. ‪#‎alonglongtimeago‬

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Smoke and mirrors?

May 13, 2015

A new Johns Hopkins University of Medicine study found that new stronger strains of marijuana could cause people exposed to second-hand smoke to test positive for pot drug in a urine analysis. Was this study sponsored by the NFL Players Association?

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Corey Kluber, 113 pitches, 8 inning one-hit shutout, 18 strikeouts! And Indians took him out of game. ‪#‎oldschoolpitchersareweeping‬

But hey, it’s about pitch counts now. And we all know pitch counts make a big difference in pitchers’ health, because so few young players are getting injured these days and/or needing surgery…. Oops, never mind.

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Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, in support of Roger Goodell and his Deflategate decision: “I think he’s doing a great job, and I’m a big supporter of his. … I know one of his best qualities is fairness.” Translation. Either Romo likes hard footballs, or Jones knows he handles his balls himself.

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Former FSU coach Bobby Bowden, 85, on Jameis Winston “I think it’s a consensus amongst Florida State fans and boosters that he was an embarrassment in a lot of ways to the university.” Sigh, Bowden was a great coach. But memory is one of the first things to go. ‪#‎FreeShoesUniversity‬

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A couple who was convicted of “lewd and lascivious exhibition” for having sex on a crowded beach with children around not only faces jail time, they must register as sex offenders. Right, because their display was almost as bad as what many American children see every night on television?

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The Arizona attorney general’s office has filed charges against a woman who in 2010 faked having cancer to get an abortion. Agree that it was wrong. But imagine what kind of mother she would have made.

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Searchers looking for Malaysia Airlines flight 370 in the Indiana Ocean have discovered a 19th century shipwreck. Stand by for the CNN special talking about if it’s a cruise ship.

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A small detail that got lost in last night’s SF Giants 8-1 win over the Astros. Nori Aoki was originally called safe at first, but the call was overturned quickly after a video review. The first base umpire? Jim Joyce. ‪#‎Fiveyearstoolate‬ ‪#‎ArmandoGalarraga‬

 

 

In Wisconsin, the state assembly passed bills mandating drug tests for welfare recipients, and requiring that monthly stipends be used for healthy foods. Okay, fine, can we also drug test Wisconsin assembly members, and require them to use their $88 a DAY living expenses on healthy food too?

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So American Idol has been cancelled in part because of what some call WGWG (“White guys with guitars) syndrome. Where the winners are cute WGWG’s who may win votes from mostly young female viewers, but never amount to anything. And what do they do for their penultimate final? Send the girl rocker home in favor of two WGWGs

 

 

 

Why people who aren’t in the travel industry shouldn’t write travel articles: A SF Chronicle story from Business Insider on the “best Hawaiian islands for every type of traveler” says “Best for honeymooners – Lanai” – …” “a perfect destination for honeymooners who are seeking privacy and seclusion. Since the island’s two Four Seasons Resorts are currently closed to the public for renovations, visitors can enjoy more seclusion and fewer tourists.

Uh, yes, since the ONLY two major hotels on the island are closed, and the ONLY hotel open is the funky Hotel Lanai with 11 rooms, there’s plenty of seclusion…..

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Not so good tidings…..

December 5, 2014

NPR is reporting that due to intelligence about a possible planned terrorist attack on a passenger plane to Europe around Christmas, airlines are considering banning carry-on luggage on such flights. Of course, even if they determine the threat isn’t serious, airlines could do that anyway to get more checked baggage fees.

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A Nebraska Cornhuskers football player tried to take a selfie with a raccoon, which then bit him. So he killed the animal to have it tested for rabies. Shame he hadn’t tried a selfie with a bear. Would be one more live animal and one more Darwin winner.

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Ah technology. Since negotiations between Dish Network and CBS broke down, Dish subscribers abruptly were blacked out from all CBS programming, including non-cable shows. No doubt setting off an “Amazing Race” to the phones to complain to customer service.

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Rumors have it that ‪#‎TimTebow‬ is now “dating” one of the ‪#‎Duggars‬  (19  kids and counting) daughters. Which means the former NFL QB still isn’t scoring.

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Nationals OF Jayson Werth was found guilty of reckless driving and sentenced to 10 days in jail for driving 105 mph on the Capital Beltway. Washingtonians are stunned, when can you find space to get up to 105 mph on the Beltway?

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Sounds like last night’s show should have been titled ‪#‎PeterPanDead‬ ‪#‎PeterPanLive‬

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The Columbia Lions have lost 21 straight football games. Today coach Pete Mangurian, who has been accused both of being abusive and of ignoring head injuries by 25 of his players, has resigned. Wonder if he was forced out for the alleged abuse, or for losing 21 straight games?

 

On Friday, Starbucks is opening their first “Reserve Roastery and Tasting Room” in Seattle, a 15,000 sq ft showplace where customers can watch “Reserve” beans being roasted, take classes, and of course, purchase premium beans, food and drinks. Translation, the perfect place for those who don’t think they are overpaying enough already for coffee.

 

Headline “FSU loses RB Williams for ACC title game.” Apparently he hasn’t been cleared after a concussion last week. Well, we knew it wasn’t academics or off-field antics. Then Williams would have been suspended for something like the first series of downs.

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A back to back item from Canadian comic Torben Rolfsen and Bill Littlejohn,, on Mickey Rourke, 62, making a pro boxing comeback in Russia by beating an opponent 33 years his junior:

 

Rolfsen “Don’t the San Antonio Spurs do that every week?”   Littlejohn “I heard Mickey’s prize move was the Ali Shuffleboard.”

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Let the fun begin, (for SFGiants fans) the Los Angeles Times reported that Andre Ethier told the Dodgers he wanted to play every day in the outbound, and not go back to a 5-6 man rotation. But Either said this wasn’t a “play-me-or-trade-me ultimatum.” Sounds like same circus, same monkeys.

 

Commie pinko time:

Two SF police officers were convicted today of several felony counts each of stealing from criminal suspects. They had been charged with taking thousands of dollars found in searches of drug dealers. Of course, had they just shot the suspects….

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Yet more accusers coming forward about Bill Cosby. Although apparently these allegations have been around for quite a while. But it took a bit by a young black male comedian, Hannibal Burress, to really break the story. So maybe what we’re talking here isn’t so much racism, as sexism.

 

 

 

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Fill in the blanks.

December 4, 2014

100 brains were missing from the University of Texas. Does this even need a punchline?

 

The Philadelphia 76ers actually won a game tonight, making them 1-17. If they keep improving, the team might have a chance of being favored against Kentucky.

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A Hawaii football announcer has apologized for referring to Fresno as the “armpit of America.” As well he should have. Everyone knows that’s New Jersey.

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#‎Stayclassy‬ Sarah Palin posted a picture on her FB page this weekend of President Obama captioned “I am signing a new executive order replacing the world ‘looting’ with ‘undocumented shopping.'”

Of course, Palin believes rioting should be confined to important things, like her family attending birthday parties.

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UAB says they are shutting down their football program for “the greater good.” And Raiders fans are thinking “You can do that?”

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In California, it’s amazing how short the distance is between “We need month-long storms to get us out of this drought” and “Will this rain ever stop?”

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Gloria Allred has a press conference Wednesday  with three women who have accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault. So congratulations to everyone who had December 3 in the pool.

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The FSU student conduct code hearing over sexual assault allegations against Jameis Winston ended today without the QB testifying. A decision is expected in 2-3 weeks. Or more likely the day after the Seminoles’ last playoff game.

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Several baggage handlers at JFK Airport have been charged with stealing jewelry and electronic items from checked bags over the past two years. Including Apple iPhones, laptops, and a 2 carat pair of diamond earrings. Glad they caught them, but who put iPhones, laptops and diamond earrings in their checked luggage?

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Ted Cruz wants to shut down the U.S. Government on Dec 11 over President Obama’s actions on immigration. Giving Mitch McConnell and John Boehner just a bit of a glimpse of 2015 when it’s their circus and their monkeys.

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The Chicago Blackhawks’ goalie Corey Crawford will miss at least two to three weeks because he said he fell at a concert. In related news the SF Giants have forbidden Jeremy Affeldt from going to concerts.

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So much for all those who said that video of what happened between Darren Wilson and Michael Brown would have made a difference. ‪#‎StatenIsland‬ ‪#‎EricGarner‬

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Late night thoughts on Staten Island. Look, I understand some people use any excuse for a riot and looting – including a sports win or loss. I also understand that some people on both sides like to overly politicize a single event. But does ANYONE doubt that if those cops had put a choke hold on some preppy white smart-ass asthmatic kid selling cigarettes or joints, and he had died, that the cops would have been indicted, or in jail, by now?

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Wonders never cease.

November 23, 2014

Hillary Clinton said Obama’s executive action on immigration is an “historic step” and that she supports it. Wow. A Democrat these days daring to say she supports the President on anything!

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Apparently ESPN baseball writer Keith Law has been suspended from Twitter for tweeting an argument with Curt Schilling who was defending the theory of creationism. Well, to be fair, some athletes’ behavior does rather challenge the theory of evolution.

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Boston Red Sox reportedly offering 5 years, $95 million to Pablo Sandoval, while the SF GIants reportedly offering 5 years $90 million. So after taxes, that’s about $2.5 million over 5 years difference. Heck, that might barely cover the heating and air conditioning bills.

 

Several officiating experts say Jameis Winston should have been ejected for his contact with a referee today as the FSU QB was trying to do a quick snap. But really, why should Jameis be treated any differently for his conduct on the field than off it?

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So then  FSU takes advantage of a stalled Boston College drive and missed FG to drive for a FG of their own with 3 seconds left to win 20-17. Ought to do wonders for the Seminoles’ “game control” points with the College Football Playoff committee.

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Bill Cosby’s lawyer called all the sexual assault claims “ridiculous” and “unsubstantiated, fantastical stories.” Uh, and then there’s the Yiddish proverb “If one man calls you an ass, pay him no mind. If five men call you an ass, go buy a saddle.”

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From Alex Kaseberg “The accusations of sexual assault continue against Bill Cosby. On the bright side, he has been named an honorary member of the Baltimore Ravens.”

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Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari wished his daughter Megan a happy birthday today,  but he had the date wrong.  Give Calipari credit.  At least he remembered he had a daughter. And he got her name right.

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#‎TigerWoods‬ has hired a new swing consultant. Or did he say a new swinging consultant? Not sure.

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Regarding this ‪#‎ThanksMichelleObama‬ students tweeting pictures of nasty but healthy school lunches, two thoughts. 1. Does anyone really have fond memories of great school lunches? 2. So if it’s what kids want let’s just serve candy and cookies that need no refrigeration or cooking and be done with it?

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Five turnovers for ‪#‎Cal‬ in a 38-17 ‪#‎BigGame‬ loss to ‪#‎Stanford‬. Just as well the Bears didn’t get the Axe. They’d probably have dropped it.

 

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SF Giants have sent out Season Ticket Invoices. Inflation is flat but prices have gone up 8%. They’d better be spending the money on raises for employees and player contracts….

 

 

#8 Ole Miss was the highest ranked 2-loss team in college football. After this shutout loss to Arkansas will they be the highest 3-loss team? ‪#‎SECbias‬

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Birds of a feather?

November 13, 2014

The college bowl game formerly known as the “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl,” now scheduled for Dec. 30 at Levi’s Stadium, has been renamed and will now be the “Foster Farms Bowl.” So how long until it gets named the “Chicken Sh*t Bowl”?

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A tractor-trailer overturned and spilled about 25,000 pounds of frozen boxed turkeys onto I-680 in Northern California today. So forget free range, this year expect to see ads for freeway turkeys.

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One rumor has the Red Sox flying Pablo Sandoval out to Boston for a visit next week. Considering that the Boston weather is expected to have a high in the 30s, the SF Giants might be good with that.

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Tom Brady on Andrew Luck. “He does a lot of things I wish I could do.” Starting with turning back the clock to being 25 again?

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Blake Griffin has been charged with one count of misdemeanor battery for an October incident in a Las Vegas nightclub. Shocking. Mostly that when the police charged the Clippers’ forward, that Griffin didn’t immediately flop.

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KNBR’s Gary Radnich has noticed it too. For those going through SF baseball withdrawal, the San Antonio Spurs are kind of like the Giants. Not particularly flashy, not much attention on the highlight shows, but they play like a team and just keep winning. Although the Spurs don’t have any cool animal nicknames.

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Undefeated Florida State was dropped in the College Football Rankings, in large part because they haven’t had big enough margins of victory. Coach Jimbo Fisher shrugged it off and “I’m hoping to hold the integrity of the game higher than everybody else.” “Integrity of the game!” In college football?. And Fisher said it with a straight face.

 

Florida State officials apparently have agreed to postpone Jameis Winston’s upcoming student conduct code hearing until Dec.1, because the QB’s attorney told them he hadn’t had “sufficient time to review the evidence.” So on Nov. 30 presume they will ask for one more extension until say, Jan. 13? (The day after the College Football Championship game)

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KOMO-4 TV in Seattle discovered that beer at CenturyLink Field is watered down. Wow. Imagine how loud Seahawks fans would be if they were drinking the regular stuff.

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Marijuana sales actually fell for the first time in September since it became legal in January 2014. People saving up to buy extra for the holidays?   Or new college students who didn’t realize it was a good idea to write down the addresses after their first purchase? (“Dude, where’s my pot store?”)

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Ted Cruz’s supporters have started a ‘Stand for Principle’ PAC to support him in 2016. Which means the Texas senator is probably running for President. Great news. For comedy writers.

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On a serious note, the attorney general’s office in the Dominican Republic reported that the Cardinals’ star rookie propect Oscar Taveras’s blood alcohol level was “five times the legal limit” when he crashed his car and died last month. Sadly proving once again that it’s not just the illegal drugs that can cause a problem in professional sports.

 

A 4.8 earthquake today hit Kansas, Oklahoma and Arkansas. Not sure, but maybe Mother Nature wasn’t very happy with last week’s election results.

 

 

 

 

What’s wrong with MLB’s TV & marketing focus on a few teams? ‪#‎CoreyKluber‬ just won the AL ‪#‎CYYoung‬ award. And many baseball fans are thinking “Who?”

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All wet?

October 13, 2014

Game 3 of the ALCS was been postponed due to rain. Which means the lead sports story Monday was  Monday Night Football.   So at least that didn’t change.

 

The game was scheduled to be on TBS,   had it been scheduled for ESPN no doubt the network would have run a “Derek Jeter’s greatest playoff moments” retrospective.

 

The Baltimore Orioles are no doubt particularly disappointed that Monday’s ALCS game was rained out and not just delayed. Playing in serious mud might be the only way to slow the Kansas City Royals rabbits down.

 

#‎Rams‬ looked like they could use ‪#‎MichaelSam‬ on defense ‪#‎49ers‬ ‪#‎MNF‬

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How can you not love ‪#‎HunterPence‬? Apparently he made his own sign “Hunter Pence will work for ring.” ‪#‎HunterPenceSigns‬ ‪#‎SFGiants

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NC State suspended 7 players this week for a “BB gun incident” involving a “game with the guns” last week. A game with guns? Wonder if the players were immediately offered transfer opportunities to schools in Texas or Florida?

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A photo has been circulating showing Ole Miss star DL Robert Nkemdiche allegedly using a bong. Coach Hugh Freeze says “appropriate measures were taken.” Translation, Nkemdiche has probably been suspended for the 1st quarter of the Nov. 8th game vs Presbyterian.

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So NBC News’ Dr. Nancy Snyderman’s violated an Ebola quarantine to get some SOUP at Peasant Grill in New Jersey. What’s the restaurant’s new slogan going to be “Soup worth dying for.”? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

Wouldn’t it have been simpler for ‪#‎jameiswinston‬ if he just traded autographs for crab legs? ‪#‎FSU‬

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The head of the NIH said that budget cuts might be the reason we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, which the agency has been working on over a decade. But really, why should we let all this fear and hysteria turn into a discussion about money and science?

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A psychologist said Oscar Pistorius is a “broken man” after shooting his girlfriend last year. Yeah, apparently the pain is affecting Pistorius’s relationship with the new girlfriend he met last December.

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A social worker testifying for the defense in the Oscar Pistorius trial said that an appropriate punishment for Pistorius would be 16 hours of community service, house arrest (in a mansion), and that he should be allowed to continue with his career as an athlete. Even Los Angeles juries are thinking “Are you nuts?”

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Points for honesty. Senator Mitch McConnell, who reported that he is worth $11.97 million, debated challenger Alison Grimes tonight, and argued against increasing the minimum wage.  Grimes challenged McConnell about having become rich in office but not caring about the poor.

His response “To claim that I got rich at public expense — she knows that that’s a result of an inheritance that my wife got when her mother passed away.” In other words, I inherited my money fair and square.

 

Former NY Times executive editor Jill Abramson said that Condoleezza Rice asked the paper in 2003 to kill a story on the CIA not being able to stop Iran’s nuclear program. Standby for FOX News to explain to us all how Barack Obama really made her do it.

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And Columbus Day is over, a semi-holiday for most Americans with banks and the post office and some schools closed, but most offices open. And many want to change the name.  But as Alex Kaseberg says  “Personally I think we should stay with Columbus Day. Go to your job, do half of what you were supposed to do, declare it a huge success and then get as many people sick as you can.”

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Going to the chapel…

October 11, 2014

Gay marriage is now legal in Nevada. Which means that gays can now get drunk in Las Vegas and make the same quickie marriage mistakes that straights do.

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#‎FOX‬ talking about how bad the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are without Angel ‪#‎Pagan‬. Kinda makes you wonder how they got into the ‪#‎NLCS‬ doesn’t it?

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So how did anyone ever beat the ‪#‎KCRoyals‬ during the regular season? And are the ‪#‎Royals‬ ever going to lose again? ‪#‎ALCS‬

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Mike ‪#‎Moustakas‬, #9 hitter in ‪#‎kcroyals‬ lineup has 4 postseason home runs. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ ‪#‎Madbum‬ is going to take that as a challenge.

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National TV ratings for ‪#‎ALCS‬ ‪#‎NLCS‬ would be better if ESPN & FOX paid attention to 4 remaining teams during regular season. ‪#‎nottheyankees‬

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More than two dozen teenagers were arrested at opening night of the Arizona State Fair after a brawl broke out. If only they had been armed.

 

How has ‪#‎Royals‬ Lorenzo Cain not been on ESPN’s Top 10 plays and Web Gems every single night of the season?

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Bit of trivia from the Royals’ 10th inning win over the Orioles Friday night – the time of game. Four hours and 37 minutes. If Kansas City ever plays an 18 inning game like the SF Giants did the concession stands better have morning coffee ready.

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Stanford’s Red Zone offense for the football season is 679, which ranks 115th out of 125 FBS (D-1) teams. Shocking. There are 10 teams who are worse?

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FSU just notified Jameis Winston that he will face a disciplinary hearing into sexual assault charges from December 2012. Presume this hearing will take place 3-4 days after the BCS national championship game?

 

Yep, it is all Obama’s fault. This from Phyllis Schafly , “Out of all the things he’s done, I think this thing of letting these diseased people into this country to infect our own people is just the most outrageous of all. Obama doesn’t want America to believe that we’re exceptional. He wants us to be just like everybody else, and if Africa is suffering from Ebola, we ought to join the group and be suffering from it, too. ‪#‎whythereisnosatire‬

 

One reason people are so scared about Ebola is not just that it is usually fatal but also how horrible the disease’s symptoms are in its final stages. Uh, have people read about the last days of smokers who die of lung cancer?

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Drop zone

October 10, 2014

A FOX Sports investigation alleges that FSU University officials and Tallahassee police “took steps to both hide, and then hinder, the criminal investigation into a rape allegation against Jameis Winston.” Well, not like Winston was accused of anything serious, like selling his autograph.

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The Yankees fired hitting coach Kevin Long. Right, because it’s his fault all these sluggers making over $10 million a year suddenly forgot how to hit.

 

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Picture below is of a  Navy Seal parachuting into Stanford Stadium with flag and game ball. Of course a true Stanford Cardinal Seal would land -and stop – between the 30 and the goal line.

 

 

seal

 

KC ‪#‎Royals‬ are the team every real baseball fan loves to watch in postseason. Until you think about them possibly playing YOUR team. ‪

 

#‎Royals‬ are doing their best to prove that playoff experience is overrated. ‪#‎ALCS‬

 

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‎#SFGiants‬ fans watch ‪#‎Royals‬ load bases with no out and not score. Are we sure we aren’t watching ‪#‎Giants‬ replay for June or July?

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And we wonder why there’s a gender gap. NJ GOP Senate candidate Jeff Bell on why he is losing to Cory Booker. “I’ve done a lot of thinking about this and looked at a lot of different polls, I think it has more to do with the rise in single women. Single mothers particularly are automatically Democratic because of the benefits. They need benefits to survive, and so that kind of weds them to the Democratic Party. But single women who have never married and don’t have children are also that way.”

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Another day, another quarantined plane over a passenger vomiting, this time landing in Las Vegas. And apparently a false alarm. But if someone getting sick is going to start meaning long delays, airlines may have to start upgrading the food they sell onboard.

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In case ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans were feeling lukewarm about another postseason against ‪#‎Cardinals‬, STL has added AJ Pierzynski to roster. ‪#‎douchebag‬

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Why there is no satire. Gwyneth Paltrow hosted a fundraiser for President Obama, and cited his efforts for sustainable energy and also for equal pay for women which she called “Very important to me as a working mother.’” And somehow Gwyneth said it with a straight face.

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Johnny Manziel on Georgia RB Todd Gurley, suspended for accepting autograph payments. “He’s built an image for himself. He’s built somewhat of a brand I feel he should be able to capitalize off it.” And of course Manziel didn’t need to add “Like I did.”

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Will.i.am tweeted his displeasure with United Airlines for giving away his first class seat to China. “Plane leave at 1:15 I got to the airport at 12:30…@united is the worse…” Uh, as much as I rag on airlines, 45 minutes in advance at the AIRPORT, not the gate, for an international flight that boards at least 45 minutes in advance….? . Bet hundreds of passengers are glad they didn’t delay the plane for another entitled celebrity.

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The young woman who accused suspended Florida QB Treon Harris has apparently withdrawn her sexual assault claim. Alas, no way of knowing whether she made it up in the first place, or whether she decided not to go through the hell of an investigation and trial, with a lot of resources against her. But while plenty of morons talked about women provoking domestic violence don’t see a lot of people saying maybe these players shouldn’t get themselves in this sort of situation in the first place.

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From Bill Littlejohn:   After his latest playoff meltdown, do we call baseball’s best pitcher—‘Clay-Rod’? –

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Not quite slip sliding away

May 4, 2014

A Norwegian cruise ship was stuck in the Hudson River this morning. Wonder if anyone on board had annoyed Chris Christie.

 

It took less than three hours to tow the cruise ship that was stuck on the Hudson into port. Still no doubt disappointing passengers who wanted to get home earlier. And really disappointing CNN that the ship wasn’t stuck out in the Atlantic.

 

A woman was arrested at Oakland Airport when TSA found 81 POUNDS of marijuana in her three checked bags. And worse, she probably didn’t get her baggage fees back.

 

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Aww moment, and nother reason to love California Chrome. Owner Steve Coburn, about watching the Kentucky Derby – “Our dream child doing exactly what we thought he could do when he was a baby.”

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Hall of Famer Jim Brown “The NCAA is the most reprehensible organization God ever created.” And God responded “Don’t blame me, I didn’t do it.”

 

Heisman winner Jameis Winston, who has been the closer, and one of the better players on the FSU baseball team,  been reinstated to the Seminoles’ baseball team.  This after  completing his  20 hours of community service.for shoplifting crab legs just last Tuesday.  Well, if consistency is a virtue, good to know the SEC baseball teams are as much talent whores as their football equivalents.

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From TC .  “The NBA wants to punish Donald Sterling by forcing him to sell the Clippers and then use the proceeds to buy The Harlem Globetrotters. If they really wanted to punish him, they would make him purchase the Washington Generals.”

 

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Jawed?

April 30, 2014

“He can’t go down with three barrels on them, not with three he can’t?”

No, but Sharks can go down with three games on them….

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Who knew Shark Tank was redundant?

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Announcers saying the San Jose Sharks’ season ended bitterly.” “Bitterly?” “Bitterly” is a one game nightmare. This was a four-game choke job for the ages.

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FSU QB and reigning Heisman winner Jameis Winston was reportedly cited for shoplifting crab legs in Tallahassee and may be suspended from the baseball team. Maybe the NCAA should have been a little more clear on that ruling allowing unlimited meals for athletes?

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Jameis Winston on “crab-gate”. In a moment of youthful ignorance, I walked out of the store without paying for one of my items. “Youthful ignorance? As in he didn’t ask one of his posse to get the crab legs for him?

Or as in he should have stuck to something small like filet mignon.

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V. Stiviano said through her attorney that she is “very saddened” at Sterling’s NBA ban and that she “never wanted any harm to Donald.” Translation, someone is really going to miss those courtside seats.

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Donald Trump is buying Turnberry golf course. What, is the Donald looking for a British gopher to replace that furry thing that lives on his head?

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We are one Atlanta win away from a second round NBA playoff series between the Hawks and the Washington Wizards. Which had to seem about as likely as the NAACP giving Donald Sterling a lifetime achievement award.

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Frontier Airlines is going to start charging for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. So all those boarding slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags in the overhead bins? They’ll be switching to slowdowns caused by people trying to cram bags under the seat.

 

Never understood why people don’t like the San Antonio Spurs. They play good, team-oriented no-drama basketball. Does the team remind some too much of the WNBA?

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Former ‘Mad’ magazine editor Al Feldstein, 88, has died. Have to assume his last words were “What, me worry?

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GOP senators just blocked raising the U.S. minimum wage to $10.10 an hour. Just for comparison, based on a 40 work week, U.S. Senators make $87.00 an hour. (plus expenses.) #letthemeatcake

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Mike D’Antoni “resigned” from the Los Angeles Lakers. Which makes him luckier than the team’s season ticket holders.

 

 

From my friend Bill Whalen “How do you repel a shark attack? Put it on a power play.”

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My friend Bob Thompson pointed out the the Dodgers played tonight at Target Field against the Twins, and it’s 42 degrees, feels like 36. Almost as cold as a night game at Candlestick.

 

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In a recent poll about the Florida Governor’s race, Charlie Crist has a 10 point lead over Rick Scott, and Crist’s lead is almost 20 points with women voters. This could mean a serious potential drought in Florida punchlines.

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John Boehner is now apologizing for his comments about some of his fellow Republicans regarding immigration reform – “here’s the attitude: ‘Ohhhh, don’t make me do this. Ohhhh, this is too hard.'” Apparently having a spine is not allowed in today’s GOP?

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Floyd Mayweather Jr. now says he wants to buy the Los Angeles Clippers. So get rid of a racist and replace him with a confessed wife-beater? #Notexactly

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For all those who want the media to pay attention to anything but MH370 and Donald Sterling, help is on the way. A new video has surfaced allegedly filmed last weekend allegedly showing Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack again.

 

. . .

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A Rose-y Feeling.

December 8, 2013

My son points out:  “Only one current group of seniors in the country will never know what it’s like to not play in a BCS bowl…and every one is going to graduate…from Stanford.”

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Question of the night:  How the heck did this #Stanford team manage to lose to Utah?

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A gay teacher Catholic high school teacher near Philadelphia was fired Friday when he applied for a license to marry his male partner in New Jersey. Now had the guy been married 30 years and dumped his wife for a girl his daughter’s age, they’d have thrown him an engagement party.

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December 7, 1941, “A Day that will live in infamy.” Wonder how Americans in the 40s would have felt had NSA been able to spy on phone calls in Japan?

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David Ortiz says the Yankees lost “the face” of their ballclub when Cano signed with the Mariners. Leaving aside the insult to Jeter I would think the “face” of the Yankees would be more likely to be a George Washington or Ben Franklin, or someone else whose face is on money.

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Yankees fans are apparently burning Robinson Cano jerseys after he signed with Seattle. Whereas presumably they think Jacoby Ellsbury and Carlos Beltran just made smart decisions to feed their families.

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So Auburn ends up in the National Championship?    After today’s game with Missouri a better fit for either team might have been the Arena Football League.

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So Nick Saban said today Auburn should play for National Championship because they beat Alabama. Uh, okay, but how about LSU, who beat Auburn. And then Ole Miss, who beat LSU, and Mississippi State who beat Ole Miss. Poor Bowling Green, they knocked off undefeated NIU and lost to Mississippi State by 1 or they’d be in the equation.

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And a moment for brief comparison of conference strength:  Auburn beat Washington State 31-24. That same WSU Cougars team against the Pac 12? Lost 55-21 to ASU, 62-38 to Oregon, 52-24 to Oregon State, and 55-17 to Stanford. Just saying….

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The NFL has to be “thrilled” about their upcoming Super Bowl. 29 degree weather in New Jersey. On the other hand, the weather isn’t that much better today in say, Texas.

As someone who hates the SEC, I hate them even more that they made me root for Ohio State and Urban Meyer on principle.

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–Ah yes, football is different in the South. At a press conference a reporter asked the lawyer for the woman who accused FSU QB Jameis Winston of rape if her family was affiliated with the University of Alabama.

Bus to hell time:   Guess as an anti-SEC fan it would be tacky to post “Rah rah rapist.”

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