Posted tagged ‘Auburn jokes’

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When all else fails, RTDT – read the damn thing.

September 22, 2015

Mike Huckabee’s latest complaint – “there are people who vote and they have no idea what our Constitution says.”
With all due respect, Mr. Huckabee, there are people who run for office and they have no idea what our Constitution says.” ‪#‎nottheOnion‬ ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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Got to love it, ESPN figures the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ have 0.1% probability of making the post season this year. “So you are saying there’s a chance?”

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The #NYJets are 2-0. If their hot start continues with Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB do they vote former Jet IK Enemkpali a playoff share? (for those who might have forgotten, or who didn’t care, Enemkpali, now with the Bills, is the guy who broke his then quarterback/ teammate, Geno Smith’s jaw with a punch.)
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An Auburn football fan called into an Alabama sports talk show and said she won’t let her husband into the bedroom until the Tigers win.. Men whose wives and girlfriends root for the Philadelphia Eagles hope those women don’t see this.

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The NY Post is reporting on a woman who not only fasts on Yom Kippur, she also makes her two dogs fast too. It works out fine, except that every year they need to buy another cat.

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Some say Marco Rubio might benefit from Scott Walker’s exiting the 2016 Presidential race. Is that because for those paying only casual attention the two look sort of alike?

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Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli, who said he was raising the price for AIDS drug Daraprim from $13.50 a pill to $750, now says public backlash will mean he will lower the price. What, to $749?

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The Lammily line of dolls now offers a ‘Period Party’ Accessory Pac,” which includes pads, underwear and a period calendar.. The idea is to help girls understand that menstruation is a normal part of of growing up.
Can only imagine what a similar line of dolls for boys might include.

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The CEO of Japanese company Rakuten has changed his executive offsite retreat to climbing Mount Tanigawa every year, a Japanese mountain that has claimed over 800 lives since it was first explored in the 1930s, about 600 more than Everest.
Well, that’s one way to avoid soaring pension costs.

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Carly Fiorina, facing many accusations of completely making up her worst allegations about the Planned Parenthood video, said she was told “that the tapes don’t exist, that the images aren’t real. Well yes, ladies and gentlemen, they are real and I will issue my charge again.”
You would think that someone who bases a large part of her campaign on the purported dishonesty of Hillary Clinton would consider doing the simple thing – and just release these “real” tapes.

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Kim Davis says she is ready to return to jail over her beliefs. Forget jail, when is the next Rowan County election? So we can replace Davis with someone who actually wants to do her job. ‪#‎your15minutesareup‬

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Liberal rant time. Some in the GOP are accusing those of us who don’t want the country run by biblical rules of being anti-religion. Nope, it’s actually quite simple: Doesn’t matter what religion you are, just don’t foist your beliefs on the entire country.

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Learning experiences.

November 9, 2014

Former Tarheels football player Mike McAdoo is suing UNC, claiming they had promised to give him a “legitimate education” in return for playing sports. Responded SEC players, what’s a “legitimate education?”

 

Lee Chong Wei,, the world’s top-ranked badminton player, has apparently failed a doping test. Badminton? Who knew, the most honest sport might turn out to be pro wrestling.

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A LivingSocial coupon offers half price LASIK. Is it just me or does surgery on your eyes at a major discount sound about as comforting as day-old sushi?

 

ABC has cancelled their new comedy “Selfie.” ABC had a new comedy named “Selfie?”

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Ohio State now feels they should have a chance for the college football playoff after knocking off Michigan State. Well, if so, the Buckeyes are a unanimous pick for the team everyone else wants to play in the first round.

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Seismologists say the increasing intensity of earthquake swarm in Nevada has also increased the chance of a large quake occurring. And across the state people have one major question, how do we  parlay this into a football bet?

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The New York Knicks are getting their fans excited this week. Mostly about the fact that Mets and Yankees spring training starts in approximately 3 months.

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Well, at least after this week ‪#‎NotreDame‬ fans won’t be losing sleep over what might have been if not for a controversial call. ‪#‎NDvsASU‬

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Now that Auburn has lost, will the SEC push for an instant expansion of the BCS playoff games from 4 to 8 teams this year?

 

This just in. Utah announces all football players will be required to complete enough math classes to count to 100.

 

It was really  a Rough week for with their goal line “fumble” & TD return.  But at least they can count on sympathy next week from the band?

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After posting an Instagram pictures of him playing golf despite a back injury, Steve Nash wrote a letter to fans starting “I definitely don’t want to be a distraction.” And most Lakers fans are thinking, are you kidding, we need every distraction we can get?

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn: “First it was Nate Burleson who broke his arm while reaching for pizza as he drove. Now DeAngelo Hall has re-torn his Achilles whhile grabbing a slice of pizza from his kitchen. Looks like Nate may have started a Domino's effect.”

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A Rose-y Feeling.

December 8, 2013

My son points out:  “Only one current group of seniors in the country will never know what it’s like to not play in a BCS bowl…and every one is going to graduate…from Stanford.”

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Question of the night:  How the heck did this #Stanford team manage to lose to Utah?

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A gay teacher Catholic high school teacher near Philadelphia was fired Friday when he applied for a license to marry his male partner in New Jersey. Now had the guy been married 30 years and dumped his wife for a girl his daughter’s age, they’d have thrown him an engagement party.

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December 7, 1941, “A Day that will live in infamy.” Wonder how Americans in the 40s would have felt had NSA been able to spy on phone calls in Japan?

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David Ortiz says the Yankees lost “the face” of their ballclub when Cano signed with the Mariners. Leaving aside the insult to Jeter I would think the “face” of the Yankees would be more likely to be a George Washington or Ben Franklin, or someone else whose face is on money.

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Yankees fans are apparently burning Robinson Cano jerseys after he signed with Seattle. Whereas presumably they think Jacoby Ellsbury and Carlos Beltran just made smart decisions to feed their families.

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So Auburn ends up in the National Championship?    After today’s game with Missouri a better fit for either team might have been the Arena Football League.

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So Nick Saban said today Auburn should play for National Championship because they beat Alabama. Uh, okay, but how about LSU, who beat Auburn. And then Ole Miss, who beat LSU, and Mississippi State who beat Ole Miss. Poor Bowling Green, they knocked off undefeated NIU and lost to Mississippi State by 1 or they’d be in the equation.

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And a moment for brief comparison of conference strength:  Auburn beat Washington State 31-24. That same WSU Cougars team against the Pac 12? Lost 55-21 to ASU, 62-38 to Oregon, 52-24 to Oregon State, and 55-17 to Stanford. Just saying….

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The NFL has to be “thrilled” about their upcoming Super Bowl. 29 degree weather in New Jersey. On the other hand, the weather isn’t that much better today in say, Texas.

As someone who hates the SEC, I hate them even more that they made me root for Ohio State and Urban Meyer on principle.

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–Ah yes, football is different in the South. At a press conference a reporter asked the lawyer for the woman who accused FSU QB Jameis Winston of rape if her family was affiliated with the University of Alabama.

Bus to hell time:   Guess as an anti-SEC fan it would be tacky to post “Rah rah rapist.”

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After further review

December 1, 2013

Just guessing Nick Saban didn’t watch this year’s Colts-Seahawks game.

(Indianapolis handed Seattle their – so far- only loss.  And the Colts first took the lead on a blocked field goal run back 61 yards for a touchdown.)

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The Auburn-Alabama finish was really one for the ages. Are we sure the Stanford band wasn’t somehow involved?

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Auburn AD Jay Jacobs said “it would be a disservice to the nation if we got left out” of the BCS game with one loss, mentioning how “a team ahead of us (Ohio State) struggled today.” Yeah, leaving today aside, the Buckeyes’ escape when a 7-4 Michigan team missed a two point conversion was almost as improbable as Auburn’s 4th and 18, 73 yard miracle touchdown pass last week to beat a 6-4 Georgia team.

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Best shirt seen at a Notre Dame game ever. In Fighting Irish colors with a shamrock. “Play like your fake girlfriend died today.”

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Ted Lilly, 37, has announced his retirement from MLB. “So young?” said Jamie Moyer.

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Six Seahawks have been suspended for PED’s since 2011 (7 if you count Sherman who successfully appealed.). But Seattle isn’t worried about losing coach Carroll. The NFL won’t give him a reason to run by putting the team on probation.

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All of these discussions about the issues with college athletes and money really distract from the important stuff on the field – like the upcoming Dr. Pepper ACC Championship….

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3 players in the OSU-Michigan game were ejected in the first half of today’s game. Now, apparently if you get ejected before halftime, you are not suspended for the next game as well. Translation, if you are on a bowl-bound team, lose your temper early.

 

OSU guard Marcus Hall, after being ejected from the Michigan game, flipped off the crowd on his way out. It’s gestures like that the give Urban Meyer’s teams such a classy reputation.

Says Jon Nedry   “Urban does understand the importance of tradition. Soon, OSU will likely have an many arrests as Florida did.”

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Oregon needed a TD pass in the last 29 seconds to slip by Oregon State in their “Civil War” rivalry. Maybe the moral of the Ducks’ story over the last two weeks, it is really really bad karma to diss the Rose Bowl.

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#4 Arizona topped #6 Duke in a close game last night in men’s college basketball. This happened because the sport has playoffs and losses still mean you can win the championship. Had this been NCAA football, both the Wildcats and Blue Devils would have been playing local teachers’ colleges.

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Kris Jenner is reportedly upset by Kim Kardashian’s “degrading” Bound 2 video with Kanye West and claims ‘Kim’s destroyed her credibility.” No worries, mom, it’s not as if she HAD any credibility.

 

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Near Philadelphia, a fight between two female shoppers at a mall escalated into a stun-gun battle. Thinking “Black Friday” really ought to silence those who don’t believe women belong in combat once and for all.

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If a coach yells in the forest…

April 4, 2013

With no one to record him, is he still fired?

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Many unfortunate lessons from the Mike Rice fiasco at Rutgers. And while his actions were inexcusable, have to wonder, how was the now ex-coach stupid enough to think you now can do ANYTHING around other people without someone having at least a camera phone.

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The #Nike ad said “Winning takes care of everything.” Mike Rice’s record at #Rutgers was 44-51.

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What’s a bigger surprise?  That Barry Zito is pitching the  SF Giants home opener?  Or that SF fans are happy about it.

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A fun stat for SF Bay Area friends from my friend Hartley Miller: Sharks/Warriors/Giants/A’s won Wednesday, 1st time all 4 Bay Area teams won on same day since April 18, 2007

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In a recent survey, 52% of Americans said they were in favor of legalizing marijuana. Which is impressive considering that most regular pot users’ response was “uh, what was the question again?”

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Quote of the year from an NBA player: Shane Battier, when asked whether a Griner NBA tryout would be positive for women athletes or if it would be seen merely as an attention-grabbing sideshow. “Listen, this whole (NBA) is a sideshow, what’s one more trailer?”

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Fast food workers in New York City are going on strike. Wonder how long it will take Mayor Bloomberg to step in, and see if he can keep it going for a few years.

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San Jose’s mayor says he thinks it’s time for him to meet with MLB commission Bud Selig about the A’s proposed move. Wonder how long it will take Selig to come up with a Blue Ribbon committee to look into a meeting.

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Forget PED’s. Maybe NFL teams should focus on Twitter control: Buffalo Bills’ WR Stevie Johnson “‘War is nothing to be played with. I apologize North Korea …. but if ya’ll do bomb 1st… Bomb Foxboro, Mass. Sincerely, #BillsMafia'”

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Former California Lt. Gov Abel Maldonado says he will run for Calif. Gov against Jerry Brown in 2014. Using strategists who worked on presidential campaign for John McCain and Jon Huntsman, and the advertising consultant who worked for Carly Fiorina. And those campaigns all worked out so well…..

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Talking with a Canadian friend – realized I could go buy a gun at Walmart here in the U.S., but they wouldn’t sell me .222s (Aspirin with caffeine and codeine, nonprescription in Canada.) What a country.

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Cardinals Pro Bowl LB Cardinals Daryl Washington has been suspended the first 4 games of 2013 for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Which means he’ll be back in time to earn another Pro Bowl spot this year. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

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So in heaven tonight, Siskel and Ebert, two thumbs back up?

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Oscar Pistorius’s uncle Arnold says that his family encouraged him to get back onto the track to help stabilize him emotionally… We believe it is a vital step in helping him deal with the trauma.” Even O.J. Simpson is thinking ‘Have you no shame?”

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The Chicago Cubs are in first place. Is this a sign of the apocalypse?

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The report is that during their 2011, Auburn altered grades from players in some classes to keep them eligible. When asked about it several former players allegedly responded “grades? “classes?”

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Some are upset because today after President Obama praised Kamala Harris as “brilliant and dedicated and tough… and the best-looking attorney general in the country.” So, okay, maybe he should have picked Beau Biden?

(But seriously, really folks?  Obama didn’t make any comments about Harris’ figure, and he didn’t go on about it like Brent Musberger, and he didn’t just compliment her looks.   ( For that matter he didn’t give her a neck rub.)   Just get the sense we need to loosen up a bit.  IMHO )

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Crying shames

March 11, 2011

Of course, on a serious note, the most important story of the day is the tsunami and the tragic results in Japan.  But that doesn’t mean the absurdities of the world take a holiday, and so, today’s blog…..   (Because I really do believe laughter is usually the best medicine.)

The NFL players have de-unionized which increases the chance there will be no professional football next year. So for 49ers and Raiders fans, sounds like business as usual.

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Note to all fans of professional football: The Canadian Football League’s first pre-season game is only three months from Tuesday.

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A new study says that women who get their daily dose of coffee are at less risk of dying from a stroke. Presumably they are also at less risk of killing their husbands and children.

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USC’s mens basketball coach Kevin O’Neill was suspended for the remainder of the Pacific 10  tournament after an “incident”/”verbal altercation” with an opposing team booster in the JW Marriott in Los Angeles.   So is it something in the water in Los Angeles, or do personalites with a tendency to make public fools of themselves just naturally gravitate there?

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And wonder if they’ll suspend O’Neill for something that actually matters to Trojan fans, which this year is likely to be the NIT.

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Happy to have had a suggestion included in ESPN.com’s Page 2 alternative March Madness Top 10 list.  (Although the NFL owners may go down in history as the Maddest this March of all.)

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?id=6201171

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Sunday night is the change to Daylight Savings Time in most of the U.S.   If we’re going to lose an hour though, wouldn’t it be better to do it in the cruddiest month, like February?

Dwyane Wade called out Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy  for his criticism,  saying “When statements are made about the Miami Heat, about the attention we get and us crying about it, [from] Orlando they really don’t understand.”

Uh, Dwayne, outside the immediate environs of South Florida, they don’t understand, or sympathize, either.

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From my friend Ben Burnett:  “BREAKING NEWS: CHARLIE SHEEN SUES PRODUCERS!!!!……and I think something happened in Japan.”

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Auburn coach Gene Chizik dismissed four players from the football team when they were arrested for armed robbery. Chizik said “these young men have a right for their case to be heard, (but) playing for Auburn University is an honor and a privilege. It is not a right.” Unless you have Heisman-level talent.

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Meanwhile  two Michigan State players were arrested for fighting in an Aspen, Colorado, bar and then trying to flee from officers. Police also said they had to use a stun gun on one of the players.  Presumably MSU will impose serious sanctions on the players, which by current Big 10 standards appears to be a two-game suspension.  The Spartans’ first two games?   Youngstown State and Florida Atlantic.

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Amateur sports?

December 5, 2010

Cam Newton led Auburn into the BCS national championship with an emphatic 56-17 drubbing of South Carolina. I will say one thing, the Tigers are certainly getting more value for what they’re paying their quarterback than the San Francisco 49ers.

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This could be the year for two BCS winners. Auburn if they beat Oregon. And then the Ducks when the NCAA finally gets around to disqualifying the Tigers after the game.

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And tomorrow the BCS picks will be announced. But instead of going by rankings, the postseason bowls will pick largely on economic factors – how many tickets a team will sell, and how much of a television audience they may attract.

In related news, the New York Yankees have asked Bud Selig to consider a BCS type system.

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On a lighter note, the University of Cincinnati Bearcats mascot was ejected from the game between the Bearcats and Pittsburgh, for throwing snowballs at fans in the stands. On a brighter note, since he hit his targets, he was immediately then offered a tryout with the Bengals.

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Jeb Bush called Sarah Palin “fantastic.” Based on this definition from Merriam-Webster I’d have to agree with him: 1a: based on fantasy : not real b : conceived or seemingly conceived by unrestrained fancy c : so extreme as to challenge belief.

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The San Jose State Spartans finished off a woeful football season by losing 26 to 23 to Idaho State in overtime. About the only silver ling for San Jose fans.  None of that Sharks postseason letdown.

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San Francisco Giants (and Brian Wilson fans) rejoice:  “The Machine” is back. Pat Burrell resigned with the SF Giants for $1 million without an agent, saying he had made plenty of money and wanted to remain a part of “something special” with his hometown team. Upon hearing the news Derek Jeter just giggled.

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The University of Kentucky has resubmitted their basketball eligibility case for Enes Kanter, who was ruled ineligible for receiving excessive benefits while playing for a club team in Turkey. The school is arguing that like Cam Newton, Kanter was unaware there was an amateurism violation. Translation: if you pretend to believe Auburn’s B.S., why not ours?

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