Posted tagged ‘ESPN jokes’

Impossible dreams?

October 24, 2016

After escaping with a 6-6 tie against Arizona, Seattle takes their nonexistent 2016 offense on the road to face the New Orleans defense. Which might prove an answer to the age old question: What happens when a resistible force meets 11 movable objects?

ESPN reports the Vikings got Sam Bradford from the Eagles for their 2017 1st round draft-pick plus a conditional 4th rounder in 2018. If however, Minnesota, makes the NFC championship game, the 4th round pick becomes a 3rd, BUT Philly would then have to send the Vikings 7th round pick.
This might be more complicated math than most football players ever took in college.

 

These London games mean on the West Coast you can wake up and already know your team has lost for the week. “And your point is?” say 49ers fans

 

#JameisWinston gets a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for arguing a spot on 3rd down Overly #crabby? #TBvsSF

So who was leaving Levi’s Stadium at a faster rate? Injured 49ers players, or disgusted 49ers fans? #TBvsSF

So can we officially go back to calling them the “Fourth and niners?”

GOP chair Reince Priebus on Trump “He is not willing to not concede if he loses and there’s no fraud.” Orwell would be proud. #doublespeak

 

Sheldon Adelson’s Las Vegas Review-Journal has become the first major newspaper to endorse Donald Trump. “He promises to be a source of disruption and discomfort to the privileged, back-scratching political elites for whom the nation’s strength and solvency have become subservient to power’s pursuit and preservation.”
Got to love a man who can rail against the “privileged back scratching elites” after he buys a newspaper.

 

 

While I don’t love trending Twitter hashtags, #TrumpBookReport was too good to pass up:

Helen of Troy, overrated, wouldn’t have been my first choice. But I hear King Menealus had very small hands. #trumpbookreport

 

Six days to create the world? Really? I could have done it in five, and done much better for Adam than Eve. Nasty woman. #trumpbookreport

 

Overrated nasty woman, if I led France it would have been best victory ever. I don’t like people who get burnt at stake. #TrumpBookReport

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Blooming something?

September 18, 2016

 

Inspired by an anonymous friend. Several people were trapped last night in an Outback Steakhouse after the Chelsea explosion. Must have been horrifying. Almost as horrifying as being in New York City and choosing to eat at Outback Steakhouse.

 

 

Washington CB Josh Norman was upset after being drug tested after today’s loss to Dallas. He has a point, who would ever think based on the Redskins’ play that they use PEDs?

Well, at least the #SFGiants didn’t have another blown save today. #smallmercies

 

Roger Goodell today “As I’ve said before, I truly respect our players wanting to speak out and change the community. We don’t live in a perfect society. We want them to use that voice.”
So does the NFL actually have a conscience? Or is Goodell counting $$$ from extra Kaepernick jersey sales?

ESPN reporting that that the NFL is admitting to 16 missed calls against the Jaguars in their loss against the Packers last week. 16? You’d think if the league have time and money to do that much analysis, they’d have time and money for full time officials.

New Orleans Saints have lost two games by a total of 4 points. Three words. “Moral victories suck.”

 

If the #SFGiants just miss the playoffs will the video of the 2016 season be titled “Groundhog Day?” #Casilla #Bochy

 

Another piece of my childhood gone. So, long, Farewell.   Charmian Carr, Liesl, in “The Sound of Music” has passed away. She was 73 going on 74.

Fortunately no fatalities other than the alleged attacker in the Minnesota mall stabbings. But do all these folks who think 2nd amendment rights trump all ever consider fewer restrictions also would make it even easier for nut jobs to get guns?

Mike Pence today said Dick Cheney is his VP role model. Does this mean Donald Trump has told his running mate that if elected, Trump will let Pence actually run the country for him?

Clinton after New York explosion “I think it’s always wiser to wait until you have information before making conclusions, because we are just in the beginning stages of trying to determine what happened.”. Trump “Nobody knows what’s going on. But boy are we living in a time – we better get very tough, folks.”. Right. Because why should facts matter with a good narrative?

One of the scariest things about Donald Trump is you just know he is rooting for a terrorist act on U.S. soil in October.

If we stop laughing the bad guys win.

September 11, 2016

ESPN’s fantasy football app was down today.  The horror.  Many viewers were left with only being able to care about whoever actually won the game.

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and the #Browns losing on #NFL opening week

So as we honored all those who perished on September 11, and all of the first responders, etc, with ceremonies in MLB, perhaps we could make the date more significant going forward by having it be the ONLY time in the year teams play “God Bless America” during the 7th inning?

 

After watching #SFGiants revival in Arizona, looks like there’s at least one SF Bay Area team with chance of winning Monday night.

Just maybe #SFGiants have decided to eliminate #Casilla discussions by not taking 1 run leads to the 9th? #HunterPence

So Oklahoma State fell out of the top 25 after losing to Central Michigan even though officials admitted the game should have been over before the winning play. On the other hand, OSU shouldn’t have been that close to CMU at the end of the 4th quarter.
(ditto Clemson w/ Troy and Georgia with Nicholls.)

 

Kim Jong-Un has banned sarcasm. Yeah, right.

 

So @HillaryClinton has pneumonia. Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to say when he is President he will build a wall to keep out pneumonia.

 

Just imagine what would have happened if @HillaryClinton had followed her doctor’s advice & stayed home from 9/11 memorial service. #cantwin

Meanwhile, Martin Shkreli showed up outside Chelsea’s Clinton’s apartment and actually heckled Hillary as she left after going there after the service.  Very little bipartisan agreement in this country, but can we agree that Shkreli is a poor excuse for a human being?

All of us are just guessing, really. But interesting how the same people who are positive Hillary is hiding something in her medical records are convinced there’s nothing to see in Trump’s tax returns.

In Tampa, a man tried on a bulletproof vest last night while his cousin fired a shot to see if it worked. It didn’t. One Darwin, one manslaughter charge. #ifonlytheywerearmed No wait… back on your game, Florida.

 

My writing is mostly about sports and politics, and I don’t like playing the woman card. But give me a break, folks. Of course Hillary went to the 9/11 memorial today when she was sick. She’s a woman and a mom. Women go to important things when we are sick. We take care of our kids, significant others, we go to work if work needs to be done. Whereas men, at the risk of being “grossly generalistic….” Okay, rant’s over.

Round and round we go.

September 10, 2016

The Battle at Bristol gets the new record for most attendance at a NCAA football game at 155,690. What’s next, a game in Times Square where they sell SRO tickets?

 

  –

Many SF Giants were shocked to see an unaccustomed sight in the dugout tonight during the team’s 11-3 win over the Arizona Diamondbacks – smiles.

 

Did #Northwestern decide to stop playing Division 1 #FBS football last offseason and just not tell anyone?

Millions of Americans dislike both #Trump & #Clinton & think choosing the lesser evil is tough – what about when #Yankees play #Dodgers?

 

ESPN commenting on how old US Open women’s champion @AngeliqueKerber is…. she is 28 years old.

Not sure who will with the Willie Mac award for this year’s most inspirational SF Giant. But the award for the Giant most likely to drive fans to scream, cry and/or drink has to go either to Santiago Casilla or the manager who keeps putting him out there.

Two games for USC, two players ejected in 1st half each game: LT Chuma Edoga today for pushing an official, LB Jabari Ruffin last week for stomping on an opponent’s groin.
So maybe  coaches Sarkasian & Kiffin weren’t solely responsibly for all that Trojan embarrassment after all?

Many of Hillary Clinton’s fundraisers are closed to the press, last night’s LGBT event WAS open to some media. And she said this – “To just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? The racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic — you name it,”
So was it a gaffe by a very cautious politician? Or a deliberate hand grenade tossed to set off an carefully-timed explosion?

 

Hillary has backed off the “half” of Trump’s supporters on the “basket of deplorables” line, but not the concept. As the old joke goes “We’ve already established that, now we’re haggling price.

 

Guessing @realDonaldTrump is furious at @HillaryClinton over #BasketofDeplorables – insulting millions of Americans is HIS job.

Donald Trump yesterday “With Iran, when they circle our beautiful destroyers with their little boats and they make gestures at our people that they shouldn’t be allowed to make, they will be shot out of the water.” How Presidential of him.

 

Mike Pence “I think it’s inarguable that Vladimir Putin has been a stronger leader in his country than Barack Obama has been in this country. And that’s going to change the day that Donald Trump becomes president.”
So Trump’s first act is going to be to disband Congress?

Mistakes may not have been made.

April 11, 2016

The NCAA reportedly approved a 3-year moratorium on new bowl games. What a disappointment for all those 6-6 teams who just missed last year’s postseason.

 –

That moment when even ‪#‎ESPN‬ on ‪#‎BaseballTonight‬ says “It’s an even year, don’t bet against the ‪#‎SFGiants‬. ‪#‎Hellhasfrozenover‬

Jordan Spieth is still the favorite at 7-1 to win the U.S. Open in June, at the Oakmont Country Club in Pennsylvania. Assume Oakmont doesn’t have any water hazards?

Even if you’re not a ‪#‎Warriors‬ fan have to appreciate that their quest for the record has knocked ‪#‎KobeBryant‬ farewell tour off ‪#‎ESPN‬ Wed

 

Urban Meyer is upset with the new NCAA rule deregulating electronic communication with potential recruits, which means coaches can now send unlimited texts to student-athletes. Translation, Urban Meyer doesn’t know how to text..

Suppose we shouldn’t be shocked but Mr. “Make America Great” again can’t even make his children register to vote correctly? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎butcanweelectstupid‬

 

Monday was ‪#‎NationalPetDay‬. And cats are sniffing “EVERY day is National Cat Day.”

Warriors announcer Bob Fitzgerald wasn’t very happy with Spurs fans waving thundersticks yesterday, calling them “some jerk off fans trying to screw up the telecast.” Well, if Golden State ends up playing back in San Antonio am sure those fans will go out of their way to be welcoming.

The White House has asked Congress for $1.9 billion to fight Zika, and the CDC is saying “Everything we look at with this virus seems to be a bit scarier than we initially thought,” and that it has been linked to a “to a broader array of birth defects throughout a longer period of pregnancy…”
And the GOP in Congress is now accusing Obama of trying to “politicize” Zika. Right, because heaven forbid the US try to protect fetuses in a way that costs money

Donald Trump says that John Brennan’s pledge not to waterboard is “ridiculous.” Right, because who knows more about effective interrogation, Trump or the director of the CIA? And who is Trump planning to appoint to the job – Jack Bauer?

Joe Biden said in an interview that while both Democratic candidates are “totally qualified”, he would “like to see a woman elected.” Maybe especially because it would be easier for Joe to think Hillary was inevitable than to think he could have started late like Sanders and actually won.

 

Newly released court documents say that Robert Dear Jr., who confessed to killing three people at a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic, told police he dreamed he’ll be met in Heaven by aborted fetuses wanting to thank him for saving unborn babies. So where are the GOP “pro-lifers” applauding him right here on Earth?

Tim Spector, a professor at King’s College, London, said that dieting is less about calories, and more about good bacteria. So cheese, chocolate, nuts, and red wine are all smart choices for those trying to control their weight. Well, that calls for opening a bottle!

Kings of the road?

April 9, 2016

The San Diego Padres have scored 0 runs in 3 games at Petco & 29 runs in 2 games at Coors.   Will hitters petition to play 2017 home games in Denver?

‪#‎SFGiants‬ are experimenting with batting the pitcher 8th. ‪#‎MadBum‬ is making a strong pitch to bat at least 6th.

Seriously, from ESPN, since 2014, Madison Bumgarner has hit a HR every 8.4 ABs at AT&T Park. Barry Bonds’ career AB/HR at AT&T Park: 8.8.

So when his arm finally tires, will Madbum move to the AL as a  DH?
Lip readers had a treat watching Kershaw after Madbum took him deep, again. “Are you f*cking sh*tting me?”

Not that most announcers aren’t homers, but Golden State Warriors TV announcers spent much of the game complaining about foul calls their team wasn’t getting.  Then at the end of a 100-99 game when Lance Stephenson was hacked more than once…. crickets.

Zach Johnson missed the cut at the Masters after a replay showed that his club accidentally touched the water when his ball was partially submerged and he was assessed a 2-shot penalty. And people think the balk rule is arcane.

The cost of mailing a letter will drops to 47 cents starting April 10. And millennials are going “What’s a letter?”

It’s been two days since the American Idol final finale. So have we all forgotten the name of the white guy with a guitar who won yet?

LB Von Miller says if it were up to him, he’d have Johnny Manziel on the Broncos. Hmm, can you get concussions from being on Dancing on the Stars?

Has Bernie Sanders just forfeited any claim to outsider status? He and his wife were seen attending a performance of “Hamilton.” Uh, even most 1 percenters can’t get those tickets.

Cruz says he was “double-crossed” by Kasich in Michigan for delegate spots, Kasich’s campaign said the Cruz campaign broke their end of a deal first. Oh this horrible GOP on GOP violence. ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

So as some in the GOP like to talk about Bill Clinton’s indiscretions while Hillary is running for president, it’s interesting to note that the Speaker who led the proceedings was having an affair, his replacement quit after news broke of multiple affairs, and then HIS replacement turns out of have molested at least four teenage boys. ‪#‎Familyvalues‬

Can’t tell anything without a score card?

December 19, 2015

The College Bowl season starts this Saturday. And if you can name more than one of the first weekend’s games, you might have WAY too much time on your hands.

ESPN complained during the Clippers-Spurs game about the “hack-a-Jordan” strategy, saying it was ridiculous. Of course, what might be more ridiculous is a well-paid professional athlete not learning to shoot simple free throws.

Cool. A 74-year-old man wins $1 Million from a scratch-off lottery ticket. Would be even cooler if he’s optimistic enough to take the payout over 20 years.

A German woman is suing Airbnb after she and her husband discovered a hidden camera in their rental unit, that they believe was being operated remotely, and recorded “personal and intimate” details. And just guessing the unit owner wasn’t giving a discount for their guests providing entertainment?

There are claims now that Bernie Sanders aides stole Hillary Clinton’s secret voter lists. Hmm, is this how the Sanders campaign is trying to prove they are big time?

Apple stock has fallen over 20% recently. And somewhere Steve Jobs is snickering “No one person is indispensable my ass.”

Martin Shkreli, the price-gouging CEO who was arrested yesterday on securities fraud, was released on $5 million bond, and tweeted “Glad to be home, thanks for the support? “Support?” Sounds like not only is Shkreli an asshole, he’s delusional as well.

NM Governor Susana Martinez says she “regrets the way the situation was handled” after she called 911 at 1:30a after a noise complaint was made against a party in her room at a Santa Fe hotel and told police to “call them off.”
The police recording says that someone called the hotel front desk about a loud party and said guests were throwing bottles off of a balcony. (The Gov. says it was just snowballs.)
Martinez has been mentioned as a possible V.P. candidate. Well, I suppose this might help with the GOP’s stodgy reputation.

We interrupt the usual picking on other states for a California item of ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬: Downtown Los Altos, two young men on skateboards, with Safeway bags in one hand, drinks in another, skateboarding down the middle of the street. In the dark. So maybe they thought getting Darwin awards would get them out of needing to buy Christmas presents?

 

On the O’Reilly Factor, a spokeswoman for Donald Trump asked what the point of having nuclear weapons is if the United States is “afraid” to use them. Of course by the same “afraid to use them” logic she might have asked what the point is of several of the GOP candidates having brains…

A San Jose elementary school had a decades-old field trip tradition of having kindergarten child deliver letters to Santa at a local coffee shop. Then a Jewish mom, who said she was “not anti-Christmas but wanted other religions to be represented,” wrote a four-page letter and asked that the trip be canceled. And the school agreed.
Some parents are protesting by taking their kids out of school and doing the visit themselves. But come on, you want other religions represented, fine, volunteer to bring Hannakuh cookies and talk about the holiday. Or whatever. But can we just LIGHTEN UP?