Posted tagged ‘wine jokes’

Mistakes may not have been made.

April 11, 2016

The NCAA reportedly approved a 3-year moratorium on new bowl games. What a disappointment for all those 6-6 teams who just missed last year’s postseason.

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That moment when even ‪#‎ESPN‬ on ‪#‎BaseballTonight‬ says “It’s an even year, don’t bet against the ‪#‎SFGiants‬. ‪#‎Hellhasfrozenover‬

Jordan Spieth is still the favorite at 7-1 to win the U.S. Open in June, at the Oakmont Country Club in Pennsylvania. Assume Oakmont doesn’t have any water hazards?

Even if you’re not a ‪#‎Warriors‬ fan have to appreciate that their quest for the record has knocked ‪#‎KobeBryant‬ farewell tour off ‪#‎ESPN‬ Wed

 

Urban Meyer is upset with the new NCAA rule deregulating electronic communication with potential recruits, which means coaches can now send unlimited texts to student-athletes. Translation, Urban Meyer doesn’t know how to text..

Suppose we shouldn’t be shocked but Mr. “Make America Great” again can’t even make his children register to vote correctly? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎butcanweelectstupid‬

 

Monday was ‪#‎NationalPetDay‬. And cats are sniffing “EVERY day is National Cat Day.”

Warriors announcer Bob Fitzgerald wasn’t very happy with Spurs fans waving thundersticks yesterday, calling them “some jerk off fans trying to screw up the telecast.” Well, if Golden State ends up playing back in San Antonio am sure those fans will go out of their way to be welcoming.

The White House has asked Congress for $1.9 billion to fight Zika, and the CDC is saying “Everything we look at with this virus seems to be a bit scarier than we initially thought,” and that it has been linked to a “to a broader array of birth defects throughout a longer period of pregnancy…”
And the GOP in Congress is now accusing Obama of trying to “politicize” Zika. Right, because heaven forbid the US try to protect fetuses in a way that costs money

Donald Trump says that John Brennan’s pledge not to waterboard is “ridiculous.” Right, because who knows more about effective interrogation, Trump or the director of the CIA? And who is Trump planning to appoint to the job – Jack Bauer?

Joe Biden said in an interview that while both Democratic candidates are “totally qualified”, he would “like to see a woman elected.” Maybe especially because it would be easier for Joe to think Hillary was inevitable than to think he could have started late like Sanders and actually won.

 

Newly released court documents say that Robert Dear Jr., who confessed to killing three people at a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic, told police he dreamed he’ll be met in Heaven by aborted fetuses wanting to thank him for saving unborn babies. So where are the GOP “pro-lifers” applauding him right here on Earth?

Tim Spector, a professor at King’s College, London, said that dieting is less about calories, and more about good bacteria. So cheese, chocolate, nuts, and red wine are all smart choices for those trying to control their weight. Well, that calls for opening a bottle!

Drink up

May 14, 2015

 

Florida Gov. Rick Scott has signed legislation that allows the sale of “growler” beers, i.e. 64 ounce containers, in the state. “Growlers” are apparently legal already in most other states. Wonder if the hold-up was the worry that Floridians would consider them single-servings? ‪#‎staggeringyourground

The Patriots are claiming that the locker room attendant whose texts implicated Brady in Deflategate only called himself “the deflator” because he was trying to lose weight. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Steelers FB Le’Veon Bell to ESPN on his three-game suspension over marijuana possession and DUI. “I made a mistake,” Bell said. “I’m going to just have to do my time.” Whoa. This guy sounds way too responsible to be in the NFL. ‪#‎wherestheexcuses‬?

Fans who try to order a customized Patriots jersey from NFLshop.com with “DEFLATOR” on the back are receiving an error message: “We are unable to customize this item with the text you have entered. Please try a different entry again.”

Where are the defenders of free speech on this one?

(These jerseys are $294.99  plus tax and shipping.  My father points out, They are refusing to do “deflator” for $295?  That is a gross violation of their most sacred principles.)

Missouri House Speaker John Diehl has resigned after texts obtained by the Kansas City Star indicated a sexual relationship between him and a college freshman intern. Well, at least the intern is female. ‪#‎Whenwilltheyeverlearn‬ ‪#‎secrettextisanoxymoron‬

(and of course, Diehl is a married -for now- father of three, virulently anti-gay marriage types, who led the fight to override Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s veto of a bill that would allow employers not to cover birth control because of THEIR religious views. )

Drought math: Apparently it takes about 1,800 gallons of water to produce a pound of beef. only 32 gallons for a glass of wine. And 17 gallons for an average shower. So if Californians can just eat a little less and drink a little more, we can all be happier and cleaner.

George Zimmerman now apparently is thinking of leaving Florida because he gets “trouble” there. Okay, who wants to volunteer here? South Carolina? Arizona, Texas…?

 

At the time of writing this, the Padres are in a RAIN delay in San Diego. Wonder how long it took the grounds crew to find the tarp? ‪#‎whatisthiswaterfallingfromthesky‬? ‪#‎wehaveatarp‬?

Apparently the engineer of the Amtrak train that derailed was going 106 MPH when he should have been going 50 MPH. Why weren’t there safeguards in place? Why wasn’t there a second engineer maybe to tell him to slow down? Budget cuts.

But Congress is on it. Today the House voted to cut another $252 million from the Amtrak budget.

Just thinking, so if PTC (Positive Train Control) is too expensive for now…. how much would it cost to have an assistant engineer also in the Amtrak engine? ‪#‎alotcheaperthananaccident‬

So former NFL QB A.J. Feeley says Brady and the Patriots have been cheating with the footballs for years. Well, first, New England says they didn’t do it this time, and second, if they had of course it was just a one-time impulse that they had never tried before….. ‪#‎howcanyoudoubtSaintBrady‬?

 

Nick Saban on the new college football playoff system, said it was “great to be a part” of it. But he also thought “by having a playoff we would minimize the interest in other bowl games, which I think is sort of what happened and I hate to see that for college football.” Uh, does Saban think most people EVER cared about 90% of the other bowl games?

 

After Paul Pierce hit a 3 pointer with 8.3 seconds left in the Wizards-Hawks games for the lead he looked at the Atlanta bench and called “Series.” Because it would have taken too long to say “Mission Accomplished?”