Posted tagged ‘NCAA jokes’

Mistakes may not have been made.

April 11, 2016

The NCAA reportedly approved a 3-year moratorium on new bowl games. What a disappointment for all those 6-6 teams who just missed last year’s postseason.

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That moment when even ‪#‎ESPN‬ on ‪#‎BaseballTonight‬ says “It’s an even year, don’t bet against the ‪#‎SFGiants‬. ‪#‎Hellhasfrozenover‬

Jordan Spieth is still the favorite at 7-1 to win the U.S. Open in June, at the Oakmont Country Club in Pennsylvania. Assume Oakmont doesn’t have any water hazards?

Even if you’re not a ‪#‎Warriors‬ fan have to appreciate that their quest for the record has knocked ‪#‎KobeBryant‬ farewell tour off ‪#‎ESPN‬ Wed

 

Urban Meyer is upset with the new NCAA rule deregulating electronic communication with potential recruits, which means coaches can now send unlimited texts to student-athletes. Translation, Urban Meyer doesn’t know how to text..

Suppose we shouldn’t be shocked but Mr. “Make America Great” again can’t even make his children register to vote correctly? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ ‪#‎butcanweelectstupid‬

 

Monday was ‪#‎NationalPetDay‬. And cats are sniffing “EVERY day is National Cat Day.”

Warriors announcer Bob Fitzgerald wasn’t very happy with Spurs fans waving thundersticks yesterday, calling them “some jerk off fans trying to screw up the telecast.” Well, if Golden State ends up playing back in San Antonio am sure those fans will go out of their way to be welcoming.

The White House has asked Congress for $1.9 billion to fight Zika, and the CDC is saying “Everything we look at with this virus seems to be a bit scarier than we initially thought,” and that it has been linked to a “to a broader array of birth defects throughout a longer period of pregnancy…”
And the GOP in Congress is now accusing Obama of trying to “politicize” Zika. Right, because heaven forbid the US try to protect fetuses in a way that costs money

Donald Trump says that John Brennan’s pledge not to waterboard is “ridiculous.” Right, because who knows more about effective interrogation, Trump or the director of the CIA? And who is Trump planning to appoint to the job – Jack Bauer?

Joe Biden said in an interview that while both Democratic candidates are “totally qualified”, he would “like to see a woman elected.” Maybe especially because it would be easier for Joe to think Hillary was inevitable than to think he could have started late like Sanders and actually won.

 

Newly released court documents say that Robert Dear Jr., who confessed to killing three people at a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic, told police he dreamed he’ll be met in Heaven by aborted fetuses wanting to thank him for saving unborn babies. So where are the GOP “pro-lifers” applauding him right here on Earth?

Tim Spector, a professor at King’s College, London, said that dieting is less about calories, and more about good bacteria. So cheese, chocolate, nuts, and red wine are all smart choices for those trying to control their weight. Well, that calls for opening a bottle!

The bitters, or the vermouth end?

March 19, 2016

 

Tough loss for Yale after a valiant comeback against Duke today. But to ease the pain guessing when they get home the players’ butlers will make the martinis extra dry.

Even with a loss, how often will these Ivy League ‪#‎Yale‬ kids have the life experience of being cheered as underdogs? ‪#‎dukevsyale‬

 

Well, whatever other troubles ‪#‎Obama‬ has this week, having his ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ pick ‪#‎Kansas‬ out before the ‪#‎Sweet16‬ won’t be one of them.

 

Between the ‪#‎CBS‬ ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ shows and the commercials I think we’re just not seeing enough of ‪#‎CharlesBarkley‬

That moment when ESPN tells you you’re at about the 92th percentile in their  March Madness brackets going into Saturday night games andnd then you realize that in a midnight whim you picked Gonzaga into the Sweet Sixteen…. :-)     (Am now 97% – #dumbluck #abouttofall  :-)))

Stat of the night from ‪#‎ESPN‬: ‪#‎Warriors‬ & ‪#‎Spurs‬ combined have fewer losses going into tonight (16) than next best team (‪#‎Cavaliers‬ 19).

And even tonight, (17  )

Wonder how many ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ players watched ‪#‎GSvsSA‬ game and realized some ‪#‎Spurs‬ stars are old enough to be their fathers? ‪#‎GoSpursGo‬

Okay, heaven knows I am not a Donald Trump fan. But trying to protest by blocking public roads? Chris Christie can tell you that’s not a winning political strategy.

 

A U.S. Court of Appeals dismissed a class-action lawsuit filed by a woman that Fresh Inc, tricks customers with their $24 “Sugar Lip Treatment” because only 75% of the product twists up beyond the tube opening, so you have to dig the last 25% out. . Uh, just maybe because if you really care about that kind of value you could just buy a $2 Chapstick?

An 18 year-old showing his gun to his friend accidentally fatally shot that friend on Friday in Copiague, New York, Your move, Florida. ‪#‎ifonlyhisfriendwasarmed‬

Now Trump is questioning if Mitt Romney is really a Mormon? What’s next, will Trump ask if the Pope is Catholic?

 

So in the general election does ‪#‎Trump‬ plan to question if ‪#‎Hillary‬ is really a woman?

Herman Cain says Donald Trump is not a racist. Nein, nein, nein.

 

From Marc Ragovin,  “Bernie Sanders campaigned in Flagstaff, Az. the other day. Although the way his run has been going, he should have chosen Tombstone.”

Who needs numbers anyway?

March 18, 2016

So will the DVD of the 2016 Men’s Basketball Tournament be titled “The Bad Seeds” ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

Looking like the folks who seeded the NCAA tournament were about as good at their jobs as the Michigan Democratic pollsters who had that big win for Hillary.

 

Oops. ‪#‎marchmadness‬ headline  “Las Vegas SuperBook Has Michigan State As Favorite To Win NCAA Tournament”

Only thing that could have saved ‪#‎MichiganState‬ today was a ‪#‎JimHarbaugh‬ punt. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

Many thought ‪#‎MichiganState‬ should have had a #1 seed. So would they have lost to #16 seed ‪#‎Hampton‬ too? ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

Even ‪#‎MiddleTennesseeState‬ alums didn’t have them winning this game. ‪#‎MichiganState‬ ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

Happy 2nd round of March Madness.  That morning when millions  of Americans wake up and realize their retirement plan will not include millions made on betting the perfect bracket.

73-67 ‪#‎Warriors‬ over ‪#‎Mavericks‬ at halftime. Did someone decide to play by ‪#‎NBA‬ All-Star Game rules and not tell us?

This kid clearly wants to be drafted by the Spurs and Gregg Popovich. Or at least Pop wants him as his media spokesman: Baylor’s Taurean Prince, asked after their upset loss how the Bears were out-rebounded by Yale. “You grab it with two hands, and you come down with it, and that’s considered a rebound. So they got more of those than we did.”

The Colts are going to retire Peyton Maning’s #18 and build him a statue. But before it’s installed the Broncos are interested in seeing if the statue can lead them to another Super Bowl win.

 

Chicago White Sox star pitcher Chris Sale says the team is demanding a meeting with chariman Jerry Reinsdorf over Adam LaRoche’s retirement and executive V.P Ken Williams “bold-faced” lying to players.
Remember the good old days when the White Sox’s biggest problem was Ozzie Guillen shooting off his mouth?

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is seriously ill and in the hospital with cancer. Wishing him the best. Hard to realize now but there was a time not that long ago when Ford might have been the brashest, loudest and most politically-incorrect politician in North America.

Hulk Hogan won $115 million in a lawsuit after Gawker published a sex tape of him with his (then) best-friend’s wife. Now that’s the kind of combination of money and family values that might get Hogan an offer of a place in a Trump cabinet.

On brighter note, ‪#‎MittRomney‬‘s awful 2012 Presidential campaign is no longer the most embarrassing performance out of Michigan. ‪#‎MichiganState‬

Sad news that Ravens CB Troy Walker, 23, has died after an accident on a dirt bike, when he was apparently riding in dark clothing at night without lights and collided with a car. Proving alas that with all the dangers in the world, high up there is testosterone poisoning.

 

 

FOX News is slamming Donald Trump for his vitriolic attacks against Megyn Kelly and his extreme, sick obsession with her.” FOX thinks such vitriol and obsession should be reserved for Hillary Clinton.

Start chilling that wine….

March 18, 2016

 

#‎Duke‬ vs ‪#‎Yale‬ for a ‪#‎SweetSixteen‬ berth. Most of America will find this as appealing as a choice between ‪#‎Trump‬ and ‪#‎Cruz‬ ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

But really, Yale vs. Duke?   Hope the  Dunkin’ Donuts Center in Providence sends out a rush order for extra chardonnay.

North Carolina started 2nd half on a 22-6 run after being basically tied with Florida Gulf Coast at halftime. Did coach Roy Williams remind the Tarheels at halftime that no one may remember who wins in any given year, but being the first #1 seed to lose to a #16 would be forever.

Nice for the kids playing in early March Madness games today. They got to relax and watch players their dad’s age kicking the crap out of the Trail Blazers. #Spurs

Sorry, when a #9 beats an #8 you do not get to crow all day about picking an upset in your bracket. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

Seriously, does ‪#‎Butler‬ EVER lose in the first round? ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

So I no longer have a perfect bracket, but I did figure out the channel for TruTV.  #smallvictories.

MLB has announced Yasiel Puig will not be disciplined for an November alleged domestic violence incident involving his sister at a Miami nightclub. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date of Puig’s next incident?

A U.S. college student has been sentenced to 15 years hard labor in North Korea for stealing a propaganda poster of Kim Jong Il from a restricted area at a hotel. So really, is he being sentenced for the theft or for the stupidity?

Anonymous has decided to release Donald Trump’s personal information. Waiting for the Donald to demand we need to start deporting all hackers. ‪#‎thiscouldbefun‬

Laura Bush, after talking about isolationism and xenophobia then told a reporter “‘Don’t ask’ if I’ll vote for Trump.” Hmm, maybe SHE’s the smart one in the family.

As if you needed more reason not to go to Carl’s Jr., whose founder was staunchy anti-choice and anti-gay, the CEO has he wants to open a completely automated restaurant with no human employees. Well, makes sense, most actual humans don’t want to eat there either.

Chip Kelly on Colin Kaepernick “If he’s here on April 4 we’re going to coach the heck out of him, and he’s going to work his (tail) off.”
Sounds like Kelly is behind Kap 1,000%. ‪#‎ifyougetthisreferenceyoumightbeold‬

Sarah Palin said her husband is still in intensive care but she is “so thankful for today’s medical technology including 3-D X-rays, temporary pain blocks and epidurals. I’m voting for their continued use…” But of course Palin can’t wait to get back on the road to campaign against Obamacare.

Many in the GOP love to quote “the Biden rule” about approving a Supreme Court Judge. But one, Biden was talking about a judge deliberately retiring to allow a president to pick another younger justice with the same views, and two, this was in 1992, and Biden said “before the political season is underway.” As if in 2016 the “political season’ ever stops.

 

 

Marco Rubio says he’s not interested in running for V.P. in 2016. Translation, maybe he can’t stand Trump or Cruz any more than many of us.

A numbers game

March 16, 2016

This year like every year with the NCAA tournament many Americans fantasize about a 16 beating a 1. Well, the Lakers DID beat the Warriors….

 

Sellout crowd in Dayton for a ‪#‎FirstFour‬ game between Tulsa and Michigan. Just guessing there isn’t a lot to do in Dayton.

Researchers are now saying that CTE could result from any contact sports. So maybe when Roger Goodell said that the risk playing youth football was similar to the risk of “sitting on your couch” he meant if your team’s play on Sunday (or in March Madness)  caused you to start banging your head into the wall.

 

Apparently some of the Chicago Cubs are not happy with the new rules banning smoke-less tobacco for players at Wrigley Field. John Lackey” “We’re grown men. People in the stands can have a beer, but we can’t do what we want? That’s a little messed up.”
Uh, people in the stands can bet on the game at casinos too.

Adam LaRoche retired and is giving up $13 million because the White Sox say he can’t keep bringing his 14 year-old son into the clubhouse. Just thinking if LaRoche hit say, .297 instead of the.207 he hit year the team would have not only still allowed the kid but designed him bats and washed his uniforms.

One of United Airline’s new security questions for their Mileage Plus accounts is “What month is your best friend’s birthday?” And millions of men are going “WTF, I’m lucky if I can remember what month is my WIFE’S birthday.”

At the Cincinnati Zoo today, a polar bear got out of its enclosure, but apparently has been “contained.” Who knows the reason for the escape. Maybe the bear thought it had a right to be armed?

Donald Trump says “there could be riots” if he loses the nomination. As opposed to the riots if he wins it?

So if Senate GOP won’t even consider Merrick Garland, who even Judge Roberts likes, they are saying they think they’ll get a better option from President Trump or Clinton? ‪#‎batshitcrazy‬

So if Hillary Clinton gets elected but the Dems don’t take back the Senate will Mitch McConnell declare in January 2017 that since it is only 36 months until the last year of her term it would be inappropriate to consider any pick she makes for the Supreme Court?

So now some Republicans are saying they might consider President Obama’s Supreme court pick in November if Clinton wins the election. At which point Obama should pull back Garland and nominate someone to the left of RBG.

Apparently a new Donald Trump ad against Hillary ad has footage of Clinton barking like a dog to mimic still another ad against her last month. The tag line? “We don’t need to be a punchline!”
And someone in the Trump campaign wrote that with a straight face….

Jerry Springer said of the GOP primary “if they’re going to do my show, they should start paying me.” Are you kidding, there’s no way the Republican debates and primary process have had the calm, reasoned maturity of the Jerry Springer show. ‪#‎bycomparison‬

“The president told me several times he’s going to name a moderate  but I don’t believe him. [Obama] could easily name Merrick Garland, who is a fine man. He probably won’t do that because this appointment is about the election. So I’m pretty sure he’ll name someone the [liberal Democratic base] wants.”
Senator Orrin Hatch,  MARCH 13, 2016.
I do not think I would play chess with Obama.

If you are reading this….

March 15, 2016

And haven’t pressed “submit” tonight, either you don’t care or shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

As we approach March Madness, remember, nothing is certain but death, taxes, and Kansas finding a way to lose before the finals.

 

 

In retrospect one reason shows like “The Bachelor” are so popular – you get to watch people make really stupid decisions and it doesn’t affect the fate of the world? ‪#‎Presidentialprimaries‬

 

 

So now Pete Rose’s lawyer is denying that Rose sent Trump a baseball saying “Mr. Trump, please make America great again.” The Donald claims the baseball was an endorsement.
And how could you doubt either of these fine  gentlemen? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Disney has announced that Harrison Ford, 73, will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie in 2019. Only this time the lost relic will be Jones himself.

The US House is holding two hearings on the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. Would that they keep at this with the same intensity they have on Benghazi.

 

New England Patriots safety Nate Ebner will take a leave of absence from the team to train for the U.S. rugby team and this summer’s Olympics. Other international rugby teams just demanded a guard on the rugby balls.

A traffic monitoring group says that the average San Francisco commuter spent more than three days in traffic in 2015. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “amateurs.”

Rick Pitino, defending his embattled Louisville program, says that the problem was a graduate assistant, Andre McGee “whose sole responsibility was to make sure they do the right things.”
Right, because in major programs, all graduate assistants have the power and the $$$$$$ to hire prostitutes. And none of the coaching staff would have any clue.
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat better.”

Hillary Clinton was caught on a “hot mic” speculating about Chris Christie’s reasons for endorsing Donald Trump. “Did he have a debt or something?” Whatever you think of Hillary, the woman is not stupid.

So what’s the difference between ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬ and ‪#‎JebBush‬?   About three weeks? ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

Ben Carson, in explaining why he endorsed the Donald, said that even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” as opposed to if the Democrats win “multiple generations and perhaps the loss of the American dream forever.”
Wow, well at least someone thinks Hillary is powerful.

 

So folks saying they always knew ‪#‎Trump‬ ‪#‎Clinton‬ would be 2016 Pres. candidates also will pretend their 1st weekend brackets are perfect?

Donald ‪#‎Trump‬ is  saying. “We need to bring our party together.”. And never has Tonto’s quote been more apt  – “Who’s ‘we’. white man?”

‪#‎TedCruz‬, doubling down on promise to be a strong president for Israel. Sorry, I thought we were choosing President for the US? ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

 

Since ‪#‎TedCruz‬ might be last alternative to ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ would like to thank the San Antonio  ‪#‎Spurs‬ for reminding us of the possibilities of sanity in Texas.

Jerry Brown,  “If Trump were ever elected, we’d have to build a wall around California to defend ourselves from the rest of this country.”

Another reason we Californians love Governor Moonbeam 2.0.   (He did add   “By the way that is a joke. We don’t like walls, we like bridges.”)

How long is it?

March 14, 2016

Open note to whoever leaked the NCAA tournament brackets, and thus spoiled CBS’s efforts to turn the selection show into a bloated two-hour commercial fest; mean bitch Karma wants to shake your hand.

 

Coach John Calipari is not happy with Kentucky’s #4 seed. Because few of his one-and-dones can count that high?

 

The NCAA is looking into finding out who leaked their ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ brackets. While they’re at it can they also find the person who decided a two-hour selection show was a good idea? ‪#‎criminalstupidity‬.

Stanford has fired men’s basketball coach Johnny Dawkins. What ingratitude for the man who brought them 2 NIT championships.

 

 

ESPN reports that in a Congressional committee discussion today on concussions Jeff Miller, the NFL’s senior V.P. for health and safety was asked if the link between football and neurodegenerative diseases like CTE has been established: And he said “The answer to that question is certainly yes.
Hmm, is this because Mike Ditka endorsed Trump?

My friend Pat Markevitch saw a Marco Rubio rally on TV.. A Sanders supporter was in the crowd holding up a Bernie sign. Rubio said “Don’t worry, you won’t get beat up at my rally”.
Isn’t it nice to know someone in the GOP has standards?

 

I may make jokes about Florida, where I went to high school. But my friends who still live there get revenge every four years – because their votes actually COUNT in a presidential primary and election. ‪#‎Californiabluerthanblue‬

Polls showing ‪#‎Trump‬ crushing ‪#‎Rubio‬ in Florida. Is this because Floridians really don’t know Trump, or because they really do know Rubio?

Tinder apparently was down Monday.  The horror. So Americans had to meet their Ms. and Mr. Right Nows the old fashioned way – in a bar.

Sarah Palin canceled her appearance at a Trump rally because her husband Todd has been injured in a snow machine crash. Waiting to see how they can make this Obama’s fault.

 

So after feeling the TEENIEST bit guilty for making a bus to hell joke about Todd Palin’s snow machine accident, I now hear that Sarah Palin, on her way back from Florida to Alaska to see him, stopped off to appear at a Trump rally…. ‪#‎johnmccainsgiftthatkeepsongiving‬ .

Pete Rose is the latest to endorse Trump: The Donald is really racking up the famous athletes who had a lot of collisions with other players and walls.

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Ditka, Rose, Hogan, Damon…. The list of Trump endorsers grows. So how does it not yet include Donald Sterling?

 

Metro North and LIRR commuter trains to and from New York City normally allow riders to drink. But they will be dry Thursday, St Patrick’s Day, through 5 a.m. Friday. Meaning, it’s chug-a-lug time before boarding. ‪#‎ifonlytheywereallarmed‬


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