Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category

Impossible dreams?

October 24, 2016

After escaping with a 6-6 tie against Arizona, Seattle takes their nonexistent 2016 offense on the road to face the New Orleans defense. Which might prove an answer to the age old question: What happens when a resistible force meets 11 movable objects?

ESPN reports the Vikings got Sam Bradford from the Eagles for their 2017 1st round draft-pick plus a conditional 4th rounder in 2018. If however, Minnesota, makes the NFC championship game, the 4th round pick becomes a 3rd, BUT Philly would then have to send the Vikings 7th round pick.
This might be more complicated math than most football players ever took in college.


These London games mean on the West Coast you can wake up and already know your team has lost for the week. “And your point is?” say 49ers fans


#JameisWinston gets a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for arguing a spot on 3rd down Overly #crabby? #TBvsSF

So who was leaving Levi’s Stadium at a faster rate? Injured 49ers players, or disgusted 49ers fans? #TBvsSF

So can we officially go back to calling them the “Fourth and niners?”

GOP chair Reince Priebus on Trump “He is not willing to not concede if he loses and there’s no fraud.” Orwell would be proud. #doublespeak


Sheldon Adelson’s Las Vegas Review-Journal has become the first major newspaper to endorse Donald Trump. “He promises to be a source of disruption and discomfort to the privileged, back-scratching political elites for whom the nation’s strength and solvency have become subservient to power’s pursuit and preservation.”
Got to love a man who can rail against the “privileged back scratching elites” after he buys a newspaper.



While I don’t love trending Twitter hashtags, #TrumpBookReport was too good to pass up:

Helen of Troy, overrated, wouldn’t have been my first choice. But I hear King Menealus had very small hands. #trumpbookreport


Six days to create the world? Really? I could have done it in five, and done much better for Adam than Eve. Nasty woman. #trumpbookreport


Overrated nasty woman, if I led France it would have been best victory ever. I don’t like people who get burnt at stake. #TrumpBookReport

The seasons they are a changin’

October 22, 2016

Since the Indians won in 5 games there’s  was no  baseball Friday night.  Sad premonition of winter.

Although with a possible Chicago-Cleveland World Series, maybe we will have the first WS game called for snow?


NY Giants coach Ben McAdoo, on kicker Josh Brown, accused of repeated domestic violence against his ex-wife. “We’re not going to turn our back on Josh.” Hmm, based on the allegations seems like it’s women who should be careful not to turn their backs on him.

Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick says despite the Fighting Irish’s disappointing start, Brian Kelly “will lead this team out of the tunnel opening day next year.”
Of course, Swarbrick didn’t say if it would be as coach or highly-paid waterboy.

AT&T is apparently going to buy Time-Warner. Yeah, that breakup of the phone company in 1982 because they were too big and dominant has worked well.

Twitter, Amazon, Spotify and other sites were down today at times due to a major cyber attack. The horror. Millions of Americans in their offices were actually forced to work.

At first, the Trump and his campaign were a joke. But then when it looked like he had a real chance, many thought he would get serious. Then when he won the nomination, many thought he would get disciplined. Then when he began losing to Hillary Clinton, many thought he would get focused. And some STILL think that actually winning the Presidency would turn him into a statesman….

So was that #DDoS attack that took down #Twitter from Russia? As in maybe even #Putin thinking “STFU Donald, you’re kllling our chances?

For all those who are debate junkies (or just gluttons for punishment), and are worried about going through withdrawal – David Duke has just qualified in Louisiana to share the stage in the final Senate candidate debate.

The trial in the Trump University lawsuit begins Nov. 29. And Donald Trump’s lawyers want what he has said during the campaign to be excluded, saying the admission of such evidence would risk “irremediable prejudice” and a “waste of time.”
Just wondering, where do they think they will find an unbiased jury pool?


So now that we’ve run out of other important stuff to argue about in this election, we have Eric Trump, who apparently got a free water glass at In-and-Out Burger, and used it to steal lemonade. His father must be so proud of those baby steps.

Richard Branson said Donald Trump told him years ago that five people had not helped out with a bankruptcy and he was “going to spend the rest of his life destroying these five people.” Hmm, so is Donald really running for President or “Count of Monte Cristo?”


That moment when you realize that no joke you could possibly write will probably trump reality – as you hear that the Donald will be giving a major policy speech Saturday at Gettysburg.


From Marc Ragovin  “Curt Schilling said that Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer cost his team by “dicking around with a drone.” In response, Schiilling’s former ESPN Baseball Tonight partner Dan Schulman said, “Oh yeah, well I spent two years droning around with a dick”

(joke, not a real quote :))



Going long

October 16, 2016

Today Drew Brees threw for 465 YDS & 4 TD, and the @Saints barely won. Rumor has it there is part of an NFL game you can play called “defense.”

Latest college football rankings, #Pac12 has exactly 2 teams in the top 25. Traditional powers Washington and.. Utah?

#LARams have got to be lying awake at night wondering how they ever lost to this #49ers team. #SFvsBUF

#RudyGuiliani today said he “would have to be a moron to say” that the election “is going to be fair.” And his point is?


Lots of verbal attacks on #ColinKaerpernick in Buffalo today. Silly Bills fans. Did they realize that Kap & the 49ers might have provided the best home game entertainment they’ll see all year?. Next visitors – the Patriots.


Hard to be an #SFGiants fan watching Puig against Chapman.  No way to root for them both to fail.

Altamonte Springs, my high-school home town: A woman was arrested this week after posting video online of her son driving her car – the boy is 7 years old. Back on your game, Florida.

Never thought I’d say anything positive about Sarah Palin. But at least she had a sense of humor. Trump tweet of the day “Watched Saturday Night Live hit job on me.Time to retire the boring and unfunny show. Alec Baldwin portrayal stinks. Media rigging election!”

Whatever happens in election suppose both @HillaryClinton & @realDonaldTrump can both take credit for helping to resurrect #SNL


Trump is insisting that he has lost “large numbers of women voters based on made up events THAT NEVER HAPPENED.” But those “wonderful” and “courageous” women speaking out about Bill Clinton – their stories are 100% true….

Apparently someone threw a bottle of flammable liquid through the window of a GOP office in North Carolina. And Trump tweeted “Animals representing Hillary Clinton and Dems in North Carolina just firebombed our office in Orange County because we are winning.”
Now, Hillary decried the act, but I guess I’m missing something – if Trump’s followers are violent it’s a righteous rage, but if it’s his opponents they are animals?

This is actually really scary, according to a poll from the Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research. “Only about one-third of Republicans said they have a great deal or quite a bit of confidence that votes on Election Day will be counted fairly.”
But has it occurred to Trump that if Hillary really could rig an election, she’d have done it starting with the 2008 Democratic primaries?


As Trump talks about the election ” absolutely being rigged,” including at many polling placs, have to ask…. has the Donald actually BEEN to a polling place? Last time before I gave up and decided to vote by mail, the average poll workers were “mature” to say the least, and having a hard time just matching voters to their lists. Not exactly the folks you’d enlist in a complicated conspiracy.


This morning on “Meet the Press” Mike Pence ” We will absolutely accept the result of the election.” So with all the people Trump has attacked on Twitter, how long until he adds his running mate to the list?

From my friend TC, sent to him by Berney:   img_0806

The times they are a changin’

October 13, 2016

I missed it, when did “pressure” in baseball become a “high-leverage” situation? #DodgersvsNats #NLDS #MLBPlayoffs

Congrats to Bob Dylan. Who knew, for all the Nobel Prize winning literature I had to read in college, I was actually voluntarily listening to it in my dorm room.


With Cleveland in the ALCS the talk has begun again but them needing to change their mascot name as being denigrating to Indians.   But while we’re at it, is the SF Giants name somehow indicative of a bias against more vertically-challenged people?

The Nationals had said Stephen Strasburg, who missed the NLDS, would not be ready to return if Washington made it into the NLCS. So this is one of the postseasons they shut him down for in 2012?

Love #DustyBaker but as #SFGiants fan still get knot in stomach watching him manage late innings bullpen. #DodgersvsNats

When Dusty Baker moved to his fifth pitcher in an inning, SFGiants fans were thinking , “we’ve have seen this script before, and it wasn’t a good one.


4 1/2 hours  and it didn’t even go extras. Even #RedSox & #Yankees are thinking this is a LONG game. #NLDSGame5 #DodgersvsNats

Congrats to  the Dodgers.But maybe Daniel Murphy’s infield fly with the winning run on base is God’s way of saying He/She is okay with the  “gay lifestyle.”


Slam magazine rated Carmelo Anthony the 15th-best player in the NBA. Melo said it was “disrespectful.” Maybe to the people ranked 16 through 30?

We interrupt the snark for a NICE off-field NFL story: Eagles QB Carson Wentz, 23, who played at North Dakota State, went back during Philly’s bye week to a local bar in Fargo, ran up a $1,000 tab with friends, and left a $500 tip.

At this point no way of knowing which recently leaked emails involving Hillary are real and which are fake. But okay folks, how many of us really want our friends, family, coworkers etc to know everything we’ve ever said about them in “private”?

Chris Christie has been given a criminal summons to appear at a Bridgegate hearing later this month. Maybe Trump should have chosen the NJ governor as a running mate. Would distract attention now from some of these tapes, etc.

Michele Bachmann says that Hillary  Clinton has an “anti-biblical” agenda. As opposed to  Donald Trump “Grope forth and multiply?


Rush Limbaugh, railing about the “Donald Trump sex-talk scandal” “If the left ever senses and smells that there’s no consent in part of the equation, then here come the rape police.”
Uh, yeah… and his point is?


Just imagine if one of #BillClinton‘s accusers also said she was treated inappropriately by #DonaldTrump

Donald Trump’s response to a People Magazine reporter who said he had attacked her “Take a look, you take a look, look at her, look at her words — you tell me what you think. I don’t think so.”
Okay, time to open the pool on the gender gap in this years election? About 50 points seems a good start….

Interesting, got a travel agent survey asking if I am more or less likely to recommend Trump properties since he became a candidate, if my clients are more or less likely to ask for Trump properties, if clients have refused to stay in a Trump property…… and if any of this has changed since the “Access Hollywood” tapes….
If this was campaign was a build-a-brand exercise for the Donald, it’s not working.


The NY Times, in response to a demand by Trump to retract its groping story or be sued “We decline to do so.” And then “the essence of a libel claim, of course, is the protection of one’s reputation…. Nothing in our article has had the slightest effect on the reputation that Mr. Trump, through his own words and actions, has already created for himself.”

Bluer than blue jays

October 9, 2016

And once again the #MLBPlayoffs are a great time for As fans to watch their ex-players shine

Tonight in a game that overlapped Presidential Debate #2, the Blue Jays finished off a sweep of the Rangers.   So how unfair is this…. Canada beats the U.S. at our own national pastime.  And they have Justin Trudeau?

At this point if it came out that #Trump actually had shot someone on 5th Avenue, his supporters would claim Hillary & Bill had shot more

After the O.J. trial, there was speculation that some of the jurors felt he was guilty, but they were so angry at the long-term behavior of the LAPD that they voted to acquit him. Watching some Trump supporters, who are so angry at the system, stick with him now feels a bit like that.

Hillary Clinton, on her husband “I hope people will accept his apology, as I have, and focus on the important issues facing our nation and the world.” How dare she defend the indefensible like that. Oh, wait, that was Melania. Never mind.

At this point number of women defending #Trump for leaked comments is about same as number of newspapers endorsing him.

#RudyGuiliani “The fact is that men at times talk like that. Not all men, but men do. ” Of course when Rudy does it he includes 9-11.

“It’s just words.” Can someone ask Trump how he would feel if someone , other than him, said those words about his daughter or wife?

So can we assume that all the men defending @realDonaldTrump on this comments talk the same way about women themselves?

So if @realDonaldTrump is somehow still elected will his Presidential library be the first to have an NC17 rating?

#JohnKasich “Our country deserves better.” Translation “I am available.”

So if all major newspapers not endorsing Trump hasn’t dented his support have to wonder if major politicians backing away will matter.


No handshake tonight. So congrats to the winners of tonight’s first prop bet. (Bet they didn’t get very good odds)


“Mommy, is this the scary clown we should be afraid of?” Children watching debate

Trump strategy is to count on fact that enough Americans hate Hillary they are willing to risk America’s future to see her in jail? #debate


Is there any woman watching Sunday’s debate who isn’t creeped out by Trump’s spacing and lurking around Hillary’s back?


If Hillary  Clinton should have had power to change tax code etc as a Senator, why didn’t Donald  Trump just run for Senate.

Hillary’s #basketofdeplorables is a sign of hate in her heart. Trump’s #grabherbythepussy is locker room banter. Got it. #sarcasm #debate

“It’s locker room talk” and I will defeat ISIS. Because I want a first crack at those 72 virgins. #Trump #debate

Trump brings up Bill Clinton’s past, now Hillary gets asked about her husband’s ACA comment.   And men wonder why women are pissed off?


“I know nothing about Russia.” Donald Trump should have stopped with the first three words.


Rumor @mike_pence considering asking to be removed from ticket? Fact we even question if rumor is true proves you can’t make this election up.

Guessing that most undecided Americans now want moderators @andersoncooper and @MarthaRaddatz to run for President.


Moving out

October 3, 2016

The Atlanta Braves played their last game at Turner Field yesterday. Next year they will have a beautiful new stadium in the suburbs for fans not to show up to.

The home-plate umpire for Wednesdays Giants-Mets wild-card game is Mike Winters. SF fans might remember Winters as the ump who ejected Bruce Bochy in consecutive games last season.
East Coast bias conspiracy theories in 3….2…1…..

SF 49ers announced today that LB NaVorro Bowman injured his Achilles and will be out for the season. Is it too soon to be thinking about that #1 draft pick?


So @Vikings who’ve lost #TeddyBridgewater & #AdrianPeterson are 4-0. A few more injuries & they could be Super Bowl contenders? #NYGvsMIN

#VinScully may have been a #Dodgers announcer but he knows his #SFGiants. Yesterday Vin said of @hunterpence “He would make coffee nervous.”

#JohnnyManziel has filed to extend the trademark on “Johnny Football.” Can you trademark an oxymoron?

Trump’s campaign so far is turning us all into a nation with temporary ADD…. No sooner do we start focusing on one unbelievable statement than he says something else and we forget how ludicrous the last one was.

So we can argue over whether or not either Trump or Clinton truly believe they have the U.S.’s best interests at heart. But pretty damn sure Julian Assange doesn’t.

#NobelPrize winners will be announced this week. Wonder which one Donald Trump expects to get?

A Bloomberg poll shows Trump trailing but +13 with whites. If true this election is not doing much for the theory of white supremacy.

Donald Trump, speaking to veterans today “When people come back from war and combat, and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and you’re strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people can’t handle it.”
So strong people don’t get PTSD the same as only losers get captured? WTF?

Maybe @realDonaldTrump didn’t mean to imply that strong vets don’t get PTSD, but how do you know? ” This is the guy who said about John McCain  “I like people that weren’t captured”


Everyone should have the genius to lose a billion dollars in a year so they can avoid taxes for the next decades. #TrumpFinancialTips.

The more things change…

October 1, 2016

Seems like old times – #RyanVogelsong starting tomorrow against #Cardinals tomorrow and a win puts the #SFGiants in playoffs..


As expected, #TyBlach vs #ClaytonKershaw was no contest, really. #SFGiants #Dodgers

One thing you can say about #TyBlach, he’s no #SalomonTorres. #SFGiants


Heaven knows the SF Giants have had some horrible losses this year. But when the playoffs are on the line & you lose to the Braves and the As, well, then maybe you really shouldn’t be in the postseason. #Tigers #Mariners

By my count, #SFGiants pitchers have 48 hits & 33 RBI’s this year. #WedontneednostinkinDH #PitchersWhoRake


Alabama coach Nick Saban says of star LB Tim Williams, arrested this week on gun charges, that he will face “internal” discipline, which will not involve a loss of playing time. So what will Williams have to do – go to a class? #suspensionsareforbenchplayers

Tomorrow morning’s game – try to tell the difference between whatever lines are uttered by Alec Baldwin tonight on SNL pretending to be Trump. and lines from the real Donald.

Trump tweeted last night “For those few people knocking me for tweeting at three o’clock in the morning, at least you know I will be there, awake, to answer the call!”
True, but maybe we don’t want the call answered by someone in the midst of the Twitter equivalent of drunk-dialing?.

Flipping through Glamour magazine at the nail salon I saw some interviews with women saying who they were voting for and why. About 2/3 were for Clinton, but one Trump gal starts out her statement “When I was little I was for Hillary….” She is 18 years old.

The Seahawks’ Doug Baldwin, a Stanford graduate whose father is a police officer, says he has received death threats because he called for law enforcement “to eliminate militaristic cultures while putting a higher emphasis on de-escalation tactics and crisis management measures.”
Got to wonder if some of the threats are from people who couldn’t even translate what he said.


Friday’s top quote: I’m “not sure anybody is more qualified than Hillary Clinton to be president of the United States.” The speaker, Bill Weld – former governor of Massachusetts and Gary Johnson’s running mate.

So by comparison was Leona Helmsley one of the “little people” who paid taxes?

#LastTimeTrumpPaidTaxes #HillaryClinton was just signing up for a newfangled AOL email account.

Jacob Hall, the 6 year-old boy shot at his South Carolina elementary school this week has died. His alleged 14-year old killer had been home-schooled since he was been expelled for bringing a gun to class. So are we going to build walls around schools or make sure all children are armed?


From Marc Ragovin.  “no bigger joke than the way mlb handled the end of thursday’s Cards/Reds game.”

(for anyone who didn’t watch or didn’t read about it later, the umpires somehow missed the fact that a ball bounced out of play over the fence and then bounced back, which was a ground rule double, and not a ball that would have let the Cardinals runner score from first.)


From Neal , post Friday night.  “Tonight’s #SFGiants game & his body slam of a fan running on the field, free agent #AngelPagan may be offered a contract by the #SF49ers?