Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category

Mistakes were made.

December 11, 2017

Giancarlo Stanton sounds positively giddy about leaving #Marlins for #Yankees. And of course NY fans & media will be so supportive if he has anything less than an MVP year.

 

NFL warned teams today it will begin “significant discipline” to anyone engaging in offensive conduct or contact against game officials.”
What about discipline for offensive officiating?

On a non-political note, three of the nicest words for Tuesday are “Kawhi Leonard ‘probable.”” #GoSpursGo @Spurs

According to Hank Schulman Stanton has been spending “Octobers in Europe unable to really watch the playoffs because it just kills him.”
Save this post if Yankees miss 2018 Postseason

Derek Jeter, on Stanton trade “No, there isn’t anything I would do differently.” Has someone checked former Yankees’ captain for concussions?

 

Maybe they don’t have Louis Vuitton stores in Lithuania?

Now it’s #CarsonWentz who is out for the season. With three weeks to go how many stars will be left for the @NFL playoffs?

Oops. Neither Bangladesh nor Brooklyn were on Trump’s travel ban list.#PortAuthority

#PortAuthority suspect said he made his bomb at work. And some people feel guilty about wasting employer time by with games or online shopping.

Dept of Education under Betsy Devos has stopped cancelling student loan debt for those defrauded by failed for-profit schools. Because how could they acknowledge it might have been a major mistake to attend Trump University?

Just imagine if when @BarackObama went to Hawaii for vacation he stayed at resort owned by his family & made a profit off trip. GOP heads would have exploded.

If you’re really “pro-life” it seems like a no-brainer to vote for man who successfully prosecuted murderers of four little girls. @GDouglasJones

 

December bringing different man or men every day accused of sexual harassment. This is becoming like a very twisted advent calendar.

It”s only Monday & this week #RyanLizza#MarioBatali…. Beginning to think it’s a bad idea to put men in positions of power.

Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to respond that he doesn’t get what all #KaylaMoore fuss is about “I have a Jew son-in-law.”

 

Just wondering, how many people have attorneys (plural) and KNOW what religion they all are? #KaylaMoore #NoMoore

Considering #KaylaMoore‘s “Jew” lawyer comment & his friend talking about child brothels, I understand why #RoyMoore tried to lie low weekend before election.

Crickets on #PortAuthority from @realDonaldTrump If alleged wannabe terrorist had been from country on his travel ban he’d have tweeted within 30 seconds.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders says on Trump sexual assault allegations “American people knew this & voted for him,”   So WTF was Donald Trump doing going after Bill Clinton 20+ years later after his election?

Trump attacks @NYTimes for saying he watches 4-8 hours of TV a day. Maybe he means he really watches 8-12 hours….

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Roll tide?

December 7, 2017

Open note to the good people of Alabama. Hard for me to say this, but vote in Doug Jones & I will actually root for Nick Saban & Crimson Tide. Once anyway. #Priorities

Rafael Palmeiro, 53, says he is contemplating a return to MLB. Uh oh, nobody tell Jamie Moyer.

Roger Goodell has signed a $200 million contract to remain NFL commissioner. Yeah, that man really needs a tax cut.

Cowboys to debut new uniforms this weekend. Unfortunately for Dallas fans they will still have same old Cowboys in them.

Former gymnasts & their parents pushing for maximum sentence for ex-Team USA doctor Larry Nassar. And indeed it’s a risk. If he ever gets out of prison he could run for office as a Republican.

If San Antonio Spurs could just add one good player, they could be a great team this year. @kawhileonard @Spurs

Pfizer is introducing a generic Viagra for “only” about $32 a pill. That’s still a stiff price.

GOP House just approved bill to allow gun owners to carry concealed weapons across state lines. But we’re still out of luck with marijuana gummies.

So for safety reasons Nikki Haley indicates we might not send US athletes to #WinterOlympics2018 in Korea. Even more encouragement for Kim Jong Un to try his missiles to US mainland?

Maybe Russia and the US can have their own games, where all the medals go to Putin and Trump.

Think we could get bipartisan agreement on a special place in hell for those who run red lights at left turn and get stuck in intersection so people going straight can’t go on green.

Now it appears #RoyMoore was dating his wife while she was still married. Wonder how “Christian” bakers feel now about THAT wedding cake?

 

A Delta flight from JFK to Seattle, which is over 6 hours, had all toilets malfunction and had to make a bathroom break stop for passengers in Billings. At Spirit Airlines they’d have probably passed around paper cups for $5.

San Francisco central subway reportedly is falling further behind schedule. Construction started in 2011, supposed to open in 2018, city says 2019, and main contractor now estimates 2021.
If we’re doing a pool, dibs on 2025.
If Senator Franken steps down tomorrow to do the “right thing” can he also call on GOP colleagues and President to do the same?
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While we move forward against sexual predators in politics, remember, past allegations matter. But can we focus on those currently in office? JFK & Ted are dead, Bill & H.W aren’t running again….

WH said Trump slurred words at end of speech today because he had “a dry throat.” Right. And Hillary wasn’t healthy enough to be President. #sarcasm

Trevor Noah on The Daily Show reminds us Donald Trump is very sensitive about his appearance & so we should absolutely not tweet or post things about  #DentureDonald

 

One of worst things about all sexual harassment stories coming out is that no matter who you are, someone you’ve admired will be or has been caught. Beginning to think men have real self-control issues.

Democrats calling for resignation of one of their most popular Senators. GOP putting more $$$ into campaign of man who wasn’t fit to serve BEFORE sexual allegations. Still think there’s no difference between parties?

Just do it?

May 1, 2017

So would all these folks mad at Obama for getting $400,000 a speech be less upset if he signed an NBA shoe contract?

RB Elijah Holyfriend may be suspended from the U Georgia football team after he was arrested and charged with “possession of marijuana of less than an ounce and possession and use of drug related objects.”
You’d think this sort of thing would be a great recruiting tool for Colorado, Washington and Oregon.

Buster Posey has just doubled his home run total for the year with that solo shot off Kershaw  Now tied with Bumgarner.  #SFGiants

Brewers OF Ryan Braun is out of the lineup because of “tightness in his right trapezius.” Feeling old. I remember when players didn’t have trapezii.
Noah Syndergaard on DL & a Met fan tweeted “my wife left me, but this is worse.” Wonder what he’d be tweeting if a SF Giants fan?
Get out the violins. When asked if the Warriors preferred to play the Clippers or Jazz. Matt Barnes – “No comparison. There’s no nightlife in Utah.” Andre Iguoudala -“The problem with Utah is that you’re just sitting there and your mind is, like, dead, because in L.A., you still got energy for the game.” #seriousfirstworldproblems
So the San Diego gunman was white, he was shooting at black people around a pool. Many are injured and 1 woman is dead. Where’s the tweet from Trump on this one?
SCOTUS declined to hear appeal of a California gay conversion therapy ban. Who says there’s zero good news out of Washington? #smallmercies
Amazing how some of people furious Obama is making $$$ after leaving White House seem to have no problem w/ Trump making $$$ IN White House.
Apparently more than two-dozen passengers were hurt, some requiring hospitalization, when an Aeroflot flight from Moscow to Bangkok encountered turbulence today.
Not that I wish harm on anyone, well almost anyone, but if you’re flying, not heading to or in the lavatory, and don’t have your seat belt on, well, that IS a wannabe Darwin award. #cantfixstupid
It’s only May 1st, and Trump bidding for the quote of the month:
“I mean, had Andrew Jackson been a little later, you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person, but he had a big heart, and he was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War. He said, “There’s no reason for this.” People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, you think about it, why?” #WTF?
No idea what Donald Trump’s favorite school subject was. But think we’re pretty sure it wasn’t history. Or for that matter science.

If Abraham Lincoln was any good at all he’d have gotten the Gettysburg Address down to 140 characters.

So when are we going to see @realDonaldTrump tweet saying Ulysses S. Grant could have avoided World War I?

 

If Trump really wants to know what Andrew Jackson felt about the Civil War, why doesn’t he ask John McCain, who served with him?

Sean Spicer on Kim Jong-Un ” he assumed power at a young age… and he’s obviously managed to lead a country forward.” Forward to what? Although in his rivals’ cases maybe into a firing squad… #pagingMelissaMcCarthy

Is there an outrageous statement contest at the White House we don’t know about? Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago meeting with China’s President. “Just as dessert was being served, the president explained to Mr. Xi he had something he wanted to tell him, which was the launching of 59 missiles into Syria. It was in lieu of after-dinner entertainment.” And he added “the thing was, it didn’t cost the president anything to have that entertainment.”
Yeah, missiles are entertainment. And they are free…. #WTF?

“I, Donald J Trump, would have prevented the Civil War, WWI AND WWII. If only they had listened to me.” #TrumpTeachesHistory

 

Out of here.

April 30, 2017

So in the end for basketball fans in Los Angeles what was the difference between the Lakers and the Clippers?

About two weeks.

(And the Lakers probably have a lottery pick.)

A friend pointed out the Nationals have scored 77 runs this week. The Giants have scored 86 runs this year.

And the Nationals haven’t yet faced the Giants bullpen.

Thought Anthony Rendon got more RBI’s today SFGiants had in series against Padres.

Different names, same bullpen. #SFGiants

Think @SFGiants at this point can sign Crash Davis to get them a rainout tomorrow?  #bulldurham

The Braves’ Freddie Freeman, tired of playing at Miller Park, referred to it as a “Little League field.” Guessing Freeman is never signing a free-agent deal with the Rockies.

Meanwhile the Mets are making New York fans look forward to Jets training camp.


Clippers disappointed their fans today, but saved them from humiliation against Warriors.

But wasn’t this Game 7 between Clippers and Jazz sort of like final Christians matchup before facing the Lions?

#Bills fire their GM two days AFTER 2017 NFL draft. #WTF? Another example why Buffalo franchise has been so successful over the years.

I suppose i get it -$400,000 speeches by Obama make some people on both sides  uncomfortable. But how come we didn’t see this level of  complaints w/ ex-white presidents.  And vice-presidents.  And New York mayors? Etc.

Trump on Kim Jong-Un “People are saying, ‘Is he sane?’ I have no idea,” Ironically, that’s a question rest of world is asking the US.

Trump tweets “Democrats, without a leader, have become the party of obstruction.” Justice Merrick Garland would disagree.

Trump on Trumpcare 2.0  “Pre-existing conditions are in the bill. I mandate it. Has to be.”  Right,  no mention of potential costs of such policies.   Spoken like a man who only got a little $1 million loan from dad.

Reince Preibus -“Changing libel laws “is something that we’ve looked at.” Would it help 1st amendment if media used 2nd? #ifonlytheywerearmed

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, who once called Obama “a son of a whore,” and who said “Hitler massacred three million Jews… there’s three million drug addicts. I’d be happy to slaughter them,” has been invited by Trump for a White House meeting. #heseemsnice

8 shot, some critically, at apartment pool in La Jolla. Shooter reportedly “a white man in brown shorts.” Move along, nothing to see here.

Bad seed?

April 20, 2017

The Predators are the 1st #8 seed ever in pro sports to sweep #1 seed.  So will someone in Nashville at least write a country song about the Chicago Blackhawks?

 

The Indiana Pacers blew a 26 point lead to the Cleveland Cavaliers in game 3 of their playoff series tonight.  Wonder if they got sympathy call from the Atlanta Falcons.

One of the NFL London games this year will be Browns vs Vikings. Yet again, US disrespects Britain in not sending over professional teams.

SFGiants were off today. Which means their left fielders got about  as many base hits as on a game day.

QB DeShone Kizer, on his future in the NFL “Imagine taking Brady’s intellect and Brady’s preparation and putting it on a guy with Cam Newton’s body. Why can’t I be the greatest?”
Well, just maybe you might be held back by that 10 cent head?

LB Reuben Foster from Alabama said today that at the NFL combine he tested positive for a diluted urine sample, which is considered a positive test of the league’s substance abuse policy.
Foster said it was because he was trying to rehydrate himself after getting food poisoning.
Just once want to hear someone say, “I got caught, I’m sorry.”

Actually if Berkeley protesters really want to upset AnnCoulter the thing to do is IGNORE HER.

US is now trying to arrest Julian Assange. Well, sure, now that Wikileaks has served its purpose with Hillary.

Trump just called #Pavarotti “a good friend of mine.” This Presidency is turning into a Monty Python sketch. “Not dead, sleeping…”

Just wondering, would Trump be quite as sanguine about North Korea potentially launching nuclear missile if he had homes on West Coast?

Attorney General Jeff Sessions “amazed judge on an island in Pacific” can stop Trump’s travel ban. Yeah, the foreign country where Obama was born #cantfixstupid

 

Just guessing that #JeffSessions doesn’t have any vacations in Hawaii planned?

CNN reports that Bill O’Reilly will be paid “tens of millions of dollars” as he exits Fox News because of a “sizable safety net” in his contract. So he’ll be able to settle his future sexual harassment lawsuits.

Mike Huckabee, during an interview complaining about the media: “You know there’s three things you can’t do. You can’t spit into the wind, you can’t climb a ladder leaning toward you or kiss a woman leaning away from you.”
Uh, sir, you are married. Why would you be talking about kissing women? #familyvalues

Giants chicks don’t dig these long balls.

April 6, 2017

 

Jeff Samardzija somehow only gave up 24 home runs in 2016. Given 32 starts now on pace for 96 in 2017. #SFGiants

In first 3 games,  SF Giants left fielders are 0-15 w/ nine Ks. Over-under on how many times Madbum has to offered to pinch hit?

Kentucky sophomore Isaiah Briscoe has announced he will leave school for the NBA draft. Shocking many college basketball fans – One of Calipari’s Kentucky teams had a sophomore?

 

So can the LA Kings honor Don Rickles by putting his picture on a giveaway hockey puck?

Can just imagine things tonight “You call this heaven? Those pearly gates are really looking tired.” #DonRickles

RIP #DonRickles. Wonder if realizing he couldn’t keep up with Trump on insults finally killed him.

The post Tiger Woods era. Headline “World’s #1 Player Drops out of Masters.” And millions of Americans go “Who?” #Masters

#RyanHoward has signed a minor-league contract with Braves in hopes of making it back to big leagues. Hmm, about that SF Giants left field problem. Just how retired is #25?

Just think how much fun he’ll be w/Lonzo in NBA. You can’t win no championship w/ 3 white guys..foot speed is too slow’ – LaVar Ball on UCLA

Two week vacation for @TheDailyShow. This is not good. When Jon Stewart left we got Trump. #Whatsnext?

Presale for “The Classic” concert Friday with the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Steely Dan, Journey, Earth, Wind & Fire and The Doobie Brothers runs from 10a to 10p. Wonder if there’s an early-bird special?

Trump-“The world is a mess. I inherited a mess!” Guess somebody didn’t read too far down in the President job description.

Russia’s Supreme Court has upheld banning Jehovah’s Witnesses as an extremist group. Who says there’s no USA-Russia common ground?

The US just launched 50 Tomahawk cruise missiles against Syria. So did Trump push all the buttons or did he let Jared do it?

Meanwhile, back at home, the night before “Equal Pay Day,” Trump signed an executive order canceling an Obama policy requiring federal contractors to give equal treatment to women. But Donald no doubt feels sure that when he creates more jobs for men, women won’t need to work?

Trump defends O’Reilly, but had Bill Clinton’s accusers at Presidential debate. Guess it’s only harassment if a Democrat does it.

 

A Secret Service agent was suspended for allegedly meeting a prostitute in a Maryland hotel. What is this world coming to? These men are supposed to protect the President and they can’t even figure out Tinder?

Wednesday was  National Burrito Day.    Waiting for Trump to tweet taking credit for all the cheap gas.

So now that a simple majority is enough for a win how do we do a retroactive Nuclear Option on the Electoral College

The GOP does realize the Nuclear Option could eventually go both ways, right?

Stay classy Ann Coulter, who tweeted today “Gen. Michael Hayden: N Korea will make nuke capable of hitting Seattle! Situation will be dire as soon as they can hit a city worth saving.”
Just guessing Ann might not want to venture into her local Starbucks any time soon.

More classy. The NY Times reports after the 2nd Presidential debate that Trump sent a personal email to Jeff Zucker, the President of CNN “Jeff — Too bad you (CNN) couldn’t be honest with how well I did in the debate. The dumbest thing I ever did was get you the job at CNN — you are the most disloyal person. Just remember, I always seem to find a way to get even. Best wishes, Donald J. Trump.”
Question of the day, who will Trump attack first for this “leak” – the NYTimes or CNN?

The end of the beginning.

March 30, 2017

Interesting how the pre-seasons for MLB and NBA are ending about the same time.

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So at what point do TV executives start worrying about a potental Warriors or Spurs vs Raptors Wizards or Celtics @NBA final?
Meanwhile,  CBS executives waking up in the middle of the night with visions of Oregon–South Carolina.
Albert L. Lord, a Penn State trustee reportedly wrote in an email that he is “running out of sympathy for 35 yr old, so-called victims (of Jerry Sandusky) with 7 digit net worth… Do not understand why they were so prominent in trial.”
Okay, what’s more unbelievable, that the guy actually thinks this, or that he’s stupid enough to put it in an email?
#NeverAskAWoman If she’s REALLY fine. If she says she’s “fine” you’re already toast.
So how long until Hawaii starts a tourism campaign advertising a “Trump-free” vacation? #Hawaiiboycott
McDonald’s says they will start making their Quarter-Pounders w/ fresh beef. So is this a change that the meat is fresh or that it’s beef?
Mike Pence is so pure he can’t be alone w/ any woman who isn’t his wife. But he has no problem being VP for a pussy-grabber.    Priorities.
Mike Pence won’t have dinner alone w/ a woman. Sir, I think I speak for millions of US women – “Your virtue is safe with us.” #notinterested
So the way Trump, Pence & rest of GOP are talking about women now, can only assume the witch trials commence by summer?
Trump’s now upset at some of his own party. “The Freedom Caucus will hurt the entire Republican agenda if they don’t get on the team, & fast. We must fight them, & Dems, in 2018!”
So would Trump like to put out a list of who he thinks IS on his team? Besides Ivanka and Jared.
As Trump says “We must fight” the Freedom Caucus and the Dems, paraphrased question of the day “Who’s we, orange man?
Trump attacks @NYtimes, wants to “change libel laws.” Amazing how someone so in love w/ 2nd amendment can so disregard the 1st.
Trump apparently threatened Mark Sanford with a Congressional primary challenger if he didn’t vote for Trumpcare. Never thought it could be done – but someone has put Mr. Appalachian Trail on the moral high road.

#MikeFlynn reportedly to testify ff granted immunity. Remember when these Russian espionage movies required scriptwriters? #passthepopcorn

Trump loves to talk about loyalty. But he basically fired #MikeFlynn. I’m sure Flynn didn’t take it personally. #passthepopcorn

Now that we’re officially in Spring, time to start a pool on which of his resorts Trump will dub the “Summer White House?  (assuming he makes it to Summer.)