Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category

A league of their own

March 10, 2017

Amtrak is demanding an apology from Washington Redskins. They are proving to be an insult to real train wrecks.

 

Brock Osweiler traded to the Browns. Well, at least Brock won’t have to deal with any more playoff pressure.

The Bears have released Jay Cutler and apparently the NY Jets may be interested #samecircusdifferenttent

KTVU reports Aldon Smith, hoping to be reinstated by the NFL to play for the Raiders in 2017, was reportedly “detained” for public intoxication when a driver of a car he was in ran into a police car. The driver was detained for alleged DUI.
At 8:30 a.m. Yeah, Smith is really turning over a new leaf.

Gotta say one thing for the Tim Tebow experiment. It does detract from the Mets other hitting problems.

MLB will have a special “Little League Classic” game played in Williamsport, PA (on a regular-sized field) on Aug 20 between the Pirates and the Cardinals. In hopes of reaching more children, the Sunday night game will start at 7pm ET.
Of course, if they REALLY wanted to have children tune in they could play the game in the afternoon.

Michael Jordan at half-time of the Duke-UNC had a verbal faux pas of sorts in saying “the ceiling is the roof.” But now the phrase has caught on and his Jordan brand will be selling “CEILING ROOF GOAT” t-shirts.
Wow. Even the man’s apparent air balls have a way of banking in..

A man caused a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Honolulu to divert to Los Angeles when he got in an altercation with a flight attendant over having to pay $12 for a blanket.
Just wait until he tries to buy a mai-tai in Waikiki.

EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt says CO2 doesn’t cause global warming. Waiting for HHS Secretary Tom Price to say cigarettes don’t cause cancer.

The GOP/Trumpcare bill would make it illegal to use Medicaid at Planned Parenthood, even for STDs, pap smears, cancer screenings and contraception.
Once again, four words “Pro life my ass.”

Maybe liberals should agree all American should have guns, then we can march in to doctors’ offices & hospitals to demand free healthcare.

Now Senator Tom Cotton, usually a Trump ally, says the GOP should wait for the CBO report on their replacement of Obamacare and that the bill as written won’t pass.
A lot easier to complain about something than to fix it, isn’t it?

So if Arnold Schwarzenegger runs for Senate in 2018 will he run as a Republican or a Democrat?

A man who police report has a known history of psychological problems injured seven people today with an axe today at Dusseldorf’s main train station
Scary, but just think, if he were American he could have had a gun.

 

Paul Ryan “This is the closest we’ve been to repealing and replacing Obamacare. And let me just say it again. This is the closest we will ever get to repealing and replacing Obamacare,”
Maybe if the GOP had actually spent any of the last 8 years working on new healthcare policy rather than just voting to repeal the ACA….

Houston, where are we?

February 22, 2017

The Smithsonian National Air and Space Museum is sending the Apollo 11 Command Module on a tour around the U.S. to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing. 50 years?! Wow. Assume the capsule will travel cross country with its left blinker on.

After receiving a new NCAA notice of allegations that brings the total to 21, Ole Miss officials announced they are self-imposing a one-year bowl ban for the 2017 season.
What a shame after their great 2016 bowl appearance…. oh, wait, they were 5-7. Never mind.

 

Rumors are that Kirk Cousins might be traded from the Redskins to the 49ers. Would be the owner equivalent of going from one frying pan into a younger frying pan.

 

In April, McDonald’s will have a promotion where all soft drinks, even the extra-large size, will be only $1. Using the restroom, however, may be $5.

“7 Earth-size planets found orbiting nearby star” How long until Trump takes credit for making galaxy great again. HUGE

 

So this intentional walk change in MLB is for real. Got a better idea with same time results, let the pitcher still throw his 4 pitches, but take one of the between-inning commercials and put it on half the screen. Then shorten one of those breaks. #dontmesswithbaseball

Kellyanne Conway hasn’t been seen lately. Wonder if she’s in the same “undisclosed location” they used to put Dick Cheney?

From Politico article talking to Trump associates “Leaving him alone for several hours can prove damaging, because he consumes too much television and gripes to people outside the White House.”
So basically Twitter has become his way of screaming “You punks get off my lawn?”

If protestors were paid as often as @POTUS & @PressSec seem to think they are, they’d be rich enough to vote GOP.

Pence says GOP will bring “individual responsibility back to American health care.” In other words, if you’re sick it’s your responsibility.

So if transgender bathrooms are a states’ rights issue, does that mean that, for example, marijuana is too?

 

As much as some conservatives freak out, guessing most have been in bathrooms with transgenders & HAVEN’T EVEN NOTICED.

 

It’s as dangerous to allow trans kids in school bathrooms  as it was to visit Bowling Green during the massacre. #ProtectTransKids

 

Reportedly six White House staffers left last week after failing FBI background checks. Considering some of the stories on those who DID make it through, even to the Cabinet, you do have to wonder what these guys did.

 

 

Marc Ragovin FTW

Lakers President Jeanie Buss has fired her brother Jim because of the team’s poor record. “Amateur,” said Kim Jong-Un

Fighting for air?

February 8, 2017

Patriots RB James White says he doesn’t know what happened to the football he scored the winning touchdown with in Super Bowl 51. “I actually don’t know what I did with it. I left it on the ground and started running.”
Well, at least there’s no way for the NFL to check if the ball was deflated.

Falcons have picked interim Crimson Tide offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian as  their new OC. Does Atlanta know Alabama was winless in the Sarkisian area?

Golden State Warriors are rewarding their loyal season ticket holders with a 15-25% price increase next season. But just imagine how inexpensive 2017-2018 tickets will seem compared to those in the new SF arena.

 

 

A United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Kauai today developed autopilot problems and circled for hours before landing back at SFO more than 3 hours after takeoff. Now for the really important question, did passengers get extra miles for all that circling?

Hate to say it but #DeVos incompetency might limit her damage. What if Trump replaced her w/ smarter person w/ same view

While we’re changing all the rules in this country can we eliminate the 22nd amendment?

Trump this morning starts out a tweet with “I don’t know Putin, have no deals in Russia….” Does he type these with a straight face?

Trump tweeted today that he doesn’t know Putin. But in a 2013 MSNBC interview he said “I do have a relationship” with Putin.
No wonder Trump hates the media; they have this bad habit of reporting on what he says.

So Betsy Devos is now our Secretary of Education. Yeah, maybe our schools have been wrong in teaching children about the value of study and hard work as far as getting ahead. They should be teaching “How to marry a billionaire.”

Would be interesting to see how many Senators actually went or sent their children to public schools. #DeVosvote

Don’t just get mad, VOTE. Especially in school board elections. #DeVosvote

 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you elect a reality TV star to Congress. Wisconsin Rep. Sean Duffy (The Real Life: Boston, & Road Rules): “Look at Gabby Giffords. The Marxist, who took her life, a leftist guy, and now you see violence and terror in the streets all across America.

So Green Eggs and Ham is acceptable reading on the Senate floor but a letter from Coretta Scott King is not? #WTF?

Trump thinks “California is out of control.” Where do I get the “Out of Control Nasty California Woman T-Shirt”?

Or – “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted,” Where’s the t-shirt?  I want one of those too.

Changing seasons.

February 6, 2017

Another reason baseball is the best sport. When the World Series game 7 was tied after regulation, both teams got a turn to bat.

 

SF 49ers fans should relax w/ Kyle Shanahan. Not like the 2017 team is going to have many 25 point leads to blow.

 

Clydesdales were originally bred in Scotland. Maybe that’s why there was no “aww” story this year. Budweiser was afraid they’d be accused of taking jobs away from real American horses.

Wonder how many craft-beer liberals are buying Budweiser & Bud Light for the first time ever this week? #boycottbudweiser

Tom Brady still can’t find his Super Bowl jersey. Anyone asked Putin?

 

Now the lieutenant governor of Texas has asked the Texas Rangers to join in Houston PD to help find Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. How long until this gets blamed on a member of the liberal media?

If  Tom Brady really is GOAT can we give an assist to Pete Carroll and Kyle Shanahan’s 4th quarter Super Bowl play calling?

On a brighter note, some children in Africa this am can trade in their  Indians World Champions shirts for some shiny new Falcons ones.

MLB is proposing to raise lower part of strike zone to the top of the hitter’s knees, from its current “the hollow beneath the kneecap.” Pitchers are thinking fine, if they actually start calling strikes above the waist.

 

We learned one thing this weekend. Sean Spicer can take a joke a lot better than his boss.

George H.W. Bush got a standing ovation today before #SuperBowl. But heck, compared to the current White House occupant, George W. would get a standing ovation.

A Jacksonville woman is being sought by police for performing oral sex on a man and posting it to social media. The alleged act took place at the county courthouse. Back on your game, Florida.

 

Americans have to be wishing  Trump was half as  focused on Serious issues facing this country as he is on the NY Times.

In a 2004 book called “The Librarian,” by Larry Beinhart, author of “Wag the Dog,” there’s a right-wing conspiracy backing an ineffectual president. They try to create a terrorist act to keep him in power for a 2nd term. Scary book. Glad it’s only fiction….

Rep. Matt Gaetz from Ft. Walton Beach, introduced a bill to dissolve the EPA. I trust Gaetz also feels it would be a waste of money for the Feds to spend any money the next time Florida has any oil spills or other environmental disasters.

Obama – Christians did bad things “in the name of Christ.” GOP outrage. Trump-“You think our country’s so innocent.” GOP crickets #WTF?.

Trump terrorism speech “All over Europe it’s happening. It’s gotten to point where it’s not even being reported. Like #BowlingGreenMassacre?

Some of this stuff you just can’t make up. Melania Trump has a lawsuit against the UK Daily Mail for libel, and the paper has published a retraction of rumors that she worked as an escort. Okay, so far so good, and it’s understandable the First Lady would be upset.

BUT, her lawyer claims “plaintiff had the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person … to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multi-million dollar business relationships for a multi-year term during which plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world.”

Are we heading for a stupor bowl?

January 22, 2017

Maybe Falcons ought to pay attention to things at Levi’s Stadium w/ 49ers & reconsider tearing down Georgia Dome. #curseofCandlestick

Atlanta goes through stadiums like Donald Trump goes through wives.

Sean Spicer & Donald Trump getting ready to welcome Jerry Jones & 2017 Super Bowl Champions Dallas Cowboys to White House #alternativefacts

Look forward to seeing #SFGiants raise latest World Series banner after bullpen performed magnificently in 2016 playoffs. #alternativefacts

 

#Colts have fired GM Ryan Grigson after 2 consecutive 8-8 seasons. #49ers fans wonder if Grigson was fired for over-achieving.

#SteveKerr learned a lot from Pop: “Sean Spicer will be talking about my Magic career. 14,000 points, greatest player in Magic history.’

Lebron posts video comparing Trump to Batman villain. Popovich & Kerr also rip President. Guessing @NBA champions White House visit has been canceled for 2017.

 

Roger Goodell going to try to hire Sean Spicer to explain how these 10 NFL 2017 playoff games so far have been most exciting & competitive ever.

A man was arrested for allegedly pulling a fire alarm in the Pittsburgh Steelers’ hotel early this morning. Wonder if he used to be a Patriots ball boy?

Wonder what the GOP reaction to #WomensMarch would have been if even 10% of those angry women were armed?

Waiting for first student to challenge a failing grade on a test by saying, I wasn’t wrong, I just presented #alternativefacts

Wanna get away? At approximately 8:00 PM ET on Sunday, January 21, United Airlines announced a ground stop for all domestic flights due to an IT issue. #IblameTrump

So which would be a better name for a band? #Alternativefacts or #PunchingNazis?

Kellyanne Conway just said flat out Donald Trump is “not going to release his tax returns.” So congrats to those who had Jan 22 in the pool.

from Ben “Mr. Trump said that though he had been “hit by a couple of drops” of rain as he began his address on Inauguration Day, the sky soon cleared. “And the truth is, it stopped immediately, and then became sunny,” he said. “And I walked off, and it poured after I left. It poured.”AND THEN……..he accused the press of missing the most important part – when he walked on water!

 

Beyond the #Alternativefacts  hashtag:   Chuck Todd on “Meet the Press,” asked Kellyanne Conway why Spicer called the inaugural crowd “the largest in history”, and asked “why this ridiculous litigation of crowd size?”
She responded “Your job is not to call things ridiculous that are said by our press secretary and our president. That’s not your job.” And then.. “That’s why we feel compelled to go out and clear the air and put alternative facts out there.”

WikiLeaks is not happy. “Trump’s breach of promise over the release of his tax returns is even more gratuitous than Clinton concealing her Goldman Sachs transcripts.”
Gosh, if only they knew some hackers.

Presidential tweeting Sunday morning. “Watched protests yesterday but was under the impression that we just had an election! Why didn’t these people vote? Celebs hurt cause badly.”
-Then an hour later. “Peaceful protests are a hallmark of our democracy. Even if I don’t always agree, I recognize the rights of people to express their views.”
Hmm, did someone on the White House staff “borrow” Trump’s phone while he was in the shower.

Voting and other consequences

January 19, 2017

Russell Westbrook left off as a starter for the NBA All-Star team?!. Ah for the days when inexplicable voting by Americans just impacted meaningless exhibition games.

Stanford has 11 players on rosters of the four teams left alive in this weekend’s NFL championship games.  The next closest school, Alabama, has 7.  #nerdnation

Trump has appointed Woody Johnson as his ambassador to Great Britain. So Johnson will do for America’s reputation in England what he’s done for the Jets?

Trump talking about huge crowds for inaugural concert .  Based on actual numbers even the Montreal Expos are giggling.

El Chapo has been extradited over to US. So will Trump name him Drug Czar?

 

Now GOP has set precedent hope Senate Dems feel justified not voting on any potential Supreme Court nominee. Only 1383 days to next election.

Trump doesn’t like PC, wonder why he didn’t ask the Stanford band to perform at inaugural – they could have played Yellow River.

So when Trump takes oath of office will he be saying “So help me, me.”?

Spokesman Sean Spicer says Trump’s incoming cabinet will have diversity. Yes, rich and richer.

Rumors are that Trump plans to privatize the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. So will PBS be replaced by “Trump TV?”

Rick Perry “After being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.”
Because, hey, don’t we all want to close things down when we have no idea what they do?

Donald and Melania Trump arrived at their inaugural concert to the music of the Rolling Stones’ “Heart of Stone.” #Truthinadvertising

Treasury secretary nominee Steven Mnuchin admitted in confirmation hearing today while he headed OneWest Bank, he now regrets kicking some people out of their homes. And one of the “”most troubling” of the foreclosures “was actually to the Octomom.”
At the Onion they are going, “that’s it, we quit. Can’t compete.”

Trump in a speech tonight, “Next time, four years from now, next time we’re going to win the old fashioned way.” As in without Russian help or by getting the most votes?

Nancy Sinatra, when asked how she felt about Trump using “My Way” for the first dance at his inaugural, responded, “Just remember the first line.” Three words “You go girl.”

(And now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain…..)

Bash brother.

January 18, 2017

Jose Canseco, voice of reason ““It’s a great day for the hypocrisy of the #HallOfFame voting induct all that used Peds or induct none.”

With steroid era revisited Pudge Rodriguez follows Bud Selig into Hall of Fame, Bonds still excluded. WTF?  Can we blame Russian hackers?

Patriots fans on social media think the commissioner is ducking the Sunday game in Foxboro, And radio station WEEI says “not attending AFC championship may be Roger Goodell’s most embarrassing moment yet.
With all due respect, not attending the game probablyisn’t even going to be Goodell’s most embarrassing moment this week.

 

Yeah, we’re all special snowflakes out in California but did we have to go straight from a drought into becoming a soggier version of Seattle?

Last words from #ObamaPressconference were “Good Luck.” Wonder how tempted he was to add “You’re going to need it.”?

 

If #ChelseaManning said she was only leaking all that classified information on behalf of Russia would GOP be okay with her pardon?

Vladimir Putin defended Donald Trump against allegations he used Russian prostitutes, but added that “ours are the best in the world.” Okay, I’m appalled. Where’s the defense of American worker superiority from Trump on this one?

Despite rumors of him choosing a Latino, Trump has apparently picked ex-Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue, 70, as Secretary of Agriculture. Because the President Elect just doesn’t have enough old white men in his cabinet.

#Livefromthe2017Inauguration only REALLY becomes a trending hashtag if we survive through day Trump first gets nuclear codes.

Martin Shkreli, downplaying Twitter suspension ““Twitter is actually pretty obsolete.” Ooh, potential Shkreli Trump war. #Passthelargepopcorn

TMZ reports Michael Flatley is going to dance at one of Trump’s inaugural balls. All together now – “Who?”

Julian Assange had promised to to “agree to US extradition” if “Obama grants Manning clemency.” Now his lawyer says “Mr. Assange welcomes the announcement that Ms. Manning’s sentence will be reduced and she will be released in May, but this is well short of what he sought. Mr. Assange had called for Chelsea Manning to receive clemency and be released immediately.”
As Maya Angelou said “when someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time.” #snake

Remember those innocent days when we thought worst that could happen Friday was putting another Bush in the White House? #Inauguration

Some discussion and worry about what kind of redecorating Trump might do inside the White House. But he will probably be more focused on putting up neon “T.R.U.M.P” letters outside.