Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category

Out of bounds?

October 27, 2016

If the Raiders head to Las Vegas, Oakland still might not be without a team.  At this point Santa Clara/SF might ask them to “take our 49ers, please.”

The NFL wonders why ratings are down. Lots of complicated hypotheses – but then there are simple answers – like tonight’s nationally televised game – Jaguars vs. Titans. #nobodycares

Twitter is shutting down #Vine. Advantage of being slow to adopt new technologies, wait long enough & some of it disappears before you get around to it.

#Twitter announced they are laying off 9% of their workers. Does this mean we’ll soon be down to 127 characters?

Mike #Pence campaign plane skidded off runway at #LaGuardia. No details but pretty sure it didn’t veer to the left.#Trump

Earlier today Mike Pence was asked if there was a “red line” Trump could cross that might cause him to leave the GOP ticket. His answer “We’re in this campaign and we’re in it to win,” Translation, “no.”

(Maybe Pence should have told his pilot about red lines on the runway?)

 

A Texas A&M freshman was arrested after she allegedly opened her blouse to take a Snapchat picture to send to her boyfriend.  While allegedly drunk. And driving. Until she  crashed her car… into a police car.  No injuries. But another Darwin award #misseditbythatmuch

More than $5 million worth of cocaine washed ashore in a tube in Ireland. Talk about a high tide.

 

The GOP is already promising blocked Supreme Court nominees and Congressional investigations if Hillary Clinton wins on Nov. 8. Or as President Obama calls it, business as usual.

Ted Cruz’s latest “there is long historical precedent for a Supreme Court with fewer justices.” For such a self-described constitutionalist, Ted sure seems to have skipped the “advise and consent” part.

Former Congressman Joe Walsh tweeted out “On November 8th, I’m voting for Trump. On November 9th, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket. You in?”
Ah yes, that GOP bridge to the 18th century.

 

At Ohio rally today, @realDonaldTrump “we should just cancel the election and just give it to Trump.” Would be funnier if he were joking.

Some reports on the Mike Pence plane semi-crash landing at La Guardia are that the plane was moving too fast in the rain, and overshot the runway. But hey so, it was only ordinary travelers who were delayed and taxpayer dollars will no doubt pay for the cleanup and investigation. #MakeAmericaGreatforBillionairesagain

At Rapid City’s airport, a SkyWest Airlnes pilot was arrested for alleged DUI before he was scheduled to fly a plane. Will his defense be that he really aspired to work for Delta?

 

Donald Trump said today NBC’s releasing the Billy Bush tape “was “certainly illegal, no question about it.,” and indicated he might sue.
But of course all the Wikileaks emails involving Hillary Clinton are pure freedom of speech….

 

Kansas Rep. Joe Seiwert, commenting about singer Denasia Lawrence kneeling down before a basketball game “I’m so sick of these anti-American blacks, f–k Black Live Matter. Go back to where you claim home”
Thinking a whole lot of Native Americans are thinking, “Back at ya.”

Sometimes you wonder why any sane person would ever go into politics. Here’s partial Wikileak quote from Huma Abedin on Hillary planning to speak about a Super Pac issue with Jeb Bush. “She’s going to stick to notes a little closer this am, still not perfect in her head”
Okay, I’ve only done a little speaking, but seems reasonable, when you don’t have something down cold, and you don’t want to make mistakes, you use notes. And conservative sites are saying “not perfect in her head” means she has an illness affecting her brain.

On and on…

October 26, 2016

4 hours & 4 minutes for 5-1 Chicago win. Good thing Cubs have plenty of fans because these first two World Series games  would not convert many to MLB

Blowout baseball games are really only fun to watch if you’re a fan of the team doing the blowing-out. Another reason Fox might consider showing more regular season games to create national rather than regional interest….

 

Just one game and one win, but tonight did Lakers get a taste of what it might have been like to have Kobe Bryant retire sooner?

Yoenis Cespedes has opted out of his #Mets contract and plans to test free agent market. Because 4 teams in 6 years wasn’t enough?

Looking at all these bundled-up players in 40 degree temperatures during the World Series makes me nostalgic for Candlestick Park.

A police report on the crash that took the life of Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez found “a strong odor of alcohol” and evidence that whoever was driving the boat was speeding and driving with “recklessness” that was “exacerbated by the consumption of alcohol.”
Sad, really sad. But “I am shocked, said nobody.”

American is going to be the next major U.S. airline to start selling “Basic” economy fares – no changes, standby, seat assignments, etc. So how low can they go – the option to fly as cargo?.

Newt Gingrich tweeted today “‘For the record Megyn Kelly is wrong, I don’t have anger management issues. I do have media bias issues!” Wonder if he was shouting while he wrote it.

 

Story out of Australia is that two beautiful young women who were contestants on the “The Bachelor” did indeed find love. With each other. Hmm, if this becomes a thing might increase U.S. men’s viewership.

All of this “repeal and replace” about Obamacare that the GOP is spouting. Of course what they don’t spout is that they want to replace it with nothing.

 

 

 

Trump says he’s going to spend over $100 million on his campaign before election day. Has someone told him he can’t take this loss off his taxes?

Trump today “I will never, ever take the African-American community for granted — unlike Hillary.”‘
Okay but while the Donald castigates Hillary for what she didn’t do in the Senate, why, with all his decades-old business empire can Trump not name a thing he has done as far as minority hiring and other outreach?

 

Donald Trump said last week that “I will reverse Obama’s executive orders & concessions towards Cuba.” Meaning besides travel that Cuban rum & cigars will become illegal again. Forget sexual assault, racism, healthcare etc, this might be the “trump” card for Hillary to woo white men.

From Alex Kaseberg  “A youth football team was kicked out of its league in Rhode Island when they snuck a grown man into their lineup. Man, Johnny Manziel cannot catch a break.”

Folks I suppose became suspicious when the team beat the Browns.

From Paul Lander.  Indeed, the gift that keeps on giving:   “Happy 69th Birthday, @HillaryClinton. Don’t forget to send the Republican Party a thank you for the gift of nominating Trump.”

 

Maybe 81-1?

October 25, 2016

So maybe Golden State Warriors don’t want pressure of an undefeated season? Or maybe Greg Popovich is a very very good coach

 

And maybe Spurs assistant coach Becky Hammon, who was head coach of the Spurs D-league in 2014 when Jonathan Simmons took MVP honors 2014,  is also a pretty good coach.

Big night in sports. #WorldSeries began for MLB. And the NBA started the 82-game second phase of their preseason.

World Series started tonight. Maybe if MLB actually showed some regular season games and put the playoffs on network television, millions of Americans might be able to name at least one Cleveland Indian.

#CarlosSantana starting at DH for @Indians. Casual fans thinking shouldn’t he play anthem instead & isn’t he kind of old. #WorldSeries

 

So for a while tonight it was looking like it was not just Bruce Bochy who might have pulled a star starter in playoffs too early.

But reliever Andrew Miller, with a 3 run lead, got the tying run to the plate in the 7th and 8th innings… and got out of it both times.  What a concept.  #SFGiants  #Sigh

The NY Giants have released kicker Josh Brown, saying that “Our beliefs, our judgments and our decisions were misguided.”
Translation, we never believed those documents would be made public.

In select markets, #Arby’s announced they will begin testing venison sandwiches in select markets. Oh, deer.

Tuesday was  #NationalPassiveAggressive day. Fine, whatever.

Barack Obama on Jimmy Kimmel last night “What I don’t do is at 3 a.m. I don’t tweet about people who insulted me. I try to sleep so that in the morning I’m actually ready for a crisis.”
Waiting for the Donald tonight at 3 a.m. to insult the President’s stamina.

 

Glenn Beck just said he thinks Donald Trump is a sociopath. Well, the pot SHOULD be a kettle expert.

A new White House executive action will require airlines to refund baggage fees for delayed baggage. Seems reasonable. Wonder how much airlines will raise fees to cover it.

 

A British Airways flight from San Francisco to London made an emergency landing in Vancouver after the entire crew, including the pilot, became ill. Did they all have the fish? #Ahospitalwhatisit? #surelyyoucantbeserious

Justin Timberlake posted a selfie of himself doing early voting wth a covered up ballot, urging people to vote. But pictures in polling places are illegal in Tennessee. The horror. Trump claiming election fraud in 3.2.1…..

 

After Megyn Kelly told Newt Gingrich people have a right to hear reporting on women accusing Trump of being a “sexual predator, ” Gingrich actually shouted “You are fascinated with sex and you don’t care about public policy!”
Well, that should help with the women’s vote.

Trump told Reuters today as President he would not put any Democrats in his cabinet. Which could be tough. Not sure the Donald could find enough Republicans he hasn’t mortally offended.

Colin Powell today announced ““I am voting for Hillary Clinton.” Waiting for attack tweets from #DonaldTrump against Powell in 3.2.1….

 

My boat would have been huge, the best, that shark would have been sushi. Only losers get eaten. #TrumpaHorrorMovie

 

He had very small hands. I ate them with fava beans & the bestest Chianti. #TrumpAHorrorMovie.

 

From Mark Ricklis  “Have you seen the new Trump website? Grope-on.”

Impossible dreams?

October 24, 2016

After escaping with a 6-6 tie against Arizona, Seattle takes their nonexistent 2016 offense on the road to face the New Orleans defense. Which might prove an answer to the age old question: What happens when a resistible force meets 11 movable objects?

ESPN reports the Vikings got Sam Bradford from the Eagles for their 2017 1st round draft-pick plus a conditional 4th rounder in 2018. If however, Minnesota, makes the NFC championship game, the 4th round pick becomes a 3rd, BUT Philly would then have to send the Vikings 7th round pick.
This might be more complicated math than most football players ever took in college.

 

These London games mean on the West Coast you can wake up and already know your team has lost for the week. “And your point is?” say 49ers fans

 

#JameisWinston gets a 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for arguing a spot on 3rd down Overly #crabby? #TBvsSF

So who was leaving Levi’s Stadium at a faster rate? Injured 49ers players, or disgusted 49ers fans? #TBvsSF

So can we officially go back to calling them the “Fourth and niners?”

GOP chair Reince Priebus on Trump “He is not willing to not concede if he loses and there’s no fraud.” Orwell would be proud. #doublespeak

 

Sheldon Adelson’s Las Vegas Review-Journal has become the first major newspaper to endorse Donald Trump. “He promises to be a source of disruption and discomfort to the privileged, back-scratching political elites for whom the nation’s strength and solvency have become subservient to power’s pursuit and preservation.”
Got to love a man who can rail against the “privileged back scratching elites” after he buys a newspaper.

 

 

While I don’t love trending Twitter hashtags, #TrumpBookReport was too good to pass up:

Helen of Troy, overrated, wouldn’t have been my first choice. But I hear King Menealus had very small hands. #trumpbookreport

 

Six days to create the world? Really? I could have done it in five, and done much better for Adam than Eve. Nasty woman. #trumpbookreport

 

Overrated nasty woman, if I led France it would have been best victory ever. I don’t like people who get burnt at stake. #TrumpBookReport

The seasons they are a changin’

October 22, 2016

Since the Indians won in 5 games there’s  was no  baseball Friday night.  Sad premonition of winter.

Although with a possible Chicago-Cleveland World Series, maybe we will have the first WS game called for snow?

 

NY Giants coach Ben McAdoo, on kicker Josh Brown, accused of repeated domestic violence against his ex-wife. “We’re not going to turn our back on Josh.” Hmm, based on the allegations seems like it’s women who should be careful not to turn their backs on him.

Notre Dame AD Jack Swarbrick says despite the Fighting Irish’s disappointing start, Brian Kelly “will lead this team out of the tunnel opening day next year.”
Of course, Swarbrick didn’t say if it would be as coach or highly-paid waterboy.

AT&T is apparently going to buy Time-Warner. Yeah, that breakup of the phone company in 1982 because they were too big and dominant has worked well.

Twitter, Amazon, Spotify and other sites were down today at times due to a major cyber attack. The horror. Millions of Americans in their offices were actually forced to work.

At first, the Trump and his campaign were a joke. But then when it looked like he had a real chance, many thought he would get serious. Then when he won the nomination, many thought he would get disciplined. Then when he began losing to Hillary Clinton, many thought he would get focused. And some STILL think that actually winning the Presidency would turn him into a statesman….
#Heiswhowethoughthewas

So was that #DDoS attack that took down #Twitter from Russia? As in maybe even #Putin thinking “STFU Donald, you’re kllling our chances?

For all those who are debate junkies (or just gluttons for punishment), and are worried about going through withdrawal – David Duke has just qualified in Louisiana to share the stage in the final Senate candidate debate.

The trial in the Trump University lawsuit begins Nov. 29. And Donald Trump’s lawyers want what he has said during the campaign to be excluded, saying the admission of such evidence would risk “irremediable prejudice” and a “waste of time.”
Just wondering, where do they think they will find an unbiased jury pool?

 

So now that we’ve run out of other important stuff to argue about in this election, we have Eric Trump, who apparently got a free water glass at In-and-Out Burger, and used it to steal lemonade. His father must be so proud of those baby steps.

Richard Branson said Donald Trump told him years ago that five people had not helped out with a bankruptcy and he was “going to spend the rest of his life destroying these five people.” Hmm, so is Donald really running for President or “Count of Monte Cristo?”

 

That moment when you realize that no joke you could possibly write will probably trump reality – as you hear that the Donald will be giving a major policy speech Saturday at Gettysburg.

 

From Marc Ragovin  “Curt Schilling said that Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer cost his team by “dicking around with a drone.” In response, Schiilling’s former ESPN Baseball Tonight partner Dan Schulman said, “Oh yeah, well I spent two years droning around with a dick”

(joke, not a real quote :))

 

 

Going long

October 16, 2016

Today Drew Brees threw for 465 YDS & 4 TD, and the @Saints barely won. Rumor has it there is part of an NFL game you can play called “defense.”

Latest college football rankings, #Pac12 has exactly 2 teams in the top 25. Traditional powers Washington and.. Utah?

#LARams have got to be lying awake at night wondering how they ever lost to this #49ers team. #SFvsBUF

#RudyGuiliani today said he “would have to be a moron to say” that the election “is going to be fair.” And his point is?

 

Lots of verbal attacks on #ColinKaerpernick in Buffalo today. Silly Bills fans. Did they realize that Kap & the 49ers might have provided the best home game entertainment they’ll see all year?. Next visitors – the Patriots.

 

Hard to be an #SFGiants fan watching Puig against Chapman.  No way to root for them both to fail.

Altamonte Springs, my high-school home town: A woman was arrested this week after posting video online of her son driving her car – the boy is 7 years old. Back on your game, Florida.

Never thought I’d say anything positive about Sarah Palin. But at least she had a sense of humor. Trump tweet of the day “Watched Saturday Night Live hit job on me.Time to retire the boring and unfunny show. Alec Baldwin portrayal stinks. Media rigging election!”

Whatever happens in election suppose both @HillaryClinton & @realDonaldTrump can both take credit for helping to resurrect #SNL

 

Trump is insisting that he has lost “large numbers of women voters based on made up events THAT NEVER HAPPENED.” But those “wonderful” and “courageous” women speaking out about Bill Clinton – their stories are 100% true….

Apparently someone threw a bottle of flammable liquid through the window of a GOP office in North Carolina. And Trump tweeted “Animals representing Hillary Clinton and Dems in North Carolina just firebombed our office in Orange County because we are winning.”
Now, Hillary decried the act, but I guess I’m missing something – if Trump’s followers are violent it’s a righteous rage, but if it’s his opponents they are animals?

This is actually really scary, according to a poll from the Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research. “Only about one-third of Republicans said they have a great deal or quite a bit of confidence that votes on Election Day will be counted fairly.”
But has it occurred to Trump that if Hillary really could rig an election, she’d have done it starting with the 2008 Democratic primaries?

 

As Trump talks about the election ” absolutely being rigged,” including at many polling placs, have to ask…. has the Donald actually BEEN to a polling place? Last time before I gave up and decided to vote by mail, the average poll workers were “mature” to say the least, and having a hard time just matching voters to their lists. Not exactly the folks you’d enlist in a complicated conspiracy.

 

This morning on “Meet the Press” Mike Pence ” We will absolutely accept the result of the election.” So with all the people Trump has attacked on Twitter, how long until he adds his running mate to the list?

From my friend TC, sent to him by Berney:   img_0806

The times they are a changin’

October 13, 2016

I missed it, when did “pressure” in baseball become a “high-leverage” situation? #DodgersvsNats #NLDS #MLBPlayoffs

Congrats to Bob Dylan. Who knew, for all the Nobel Prize winning literature I had to read in college, I was actually voluntarily listening to it in my dorm room.

 

With Cleveland in the ALCS the talk has begun again but them needing to change their mascot name as being denigrating to Indians.   But while we’re at it, is the SF Giants name somehow indicative of a bias against more vertically-challenged people?

The Nationals had said Stephen Strasburg, who missed the NLDS, would not be ready to return if Washington made it into the NLCS. So this is one of the postseasons they shut him down for in 2012?

Love #DustyBaker but as #SFGiants fan still get knot in stomach watching him manage late innings bullpen. #DodgersvsNats

When Dusty Baker moved to his fifth pitcher in an inning, SFGiants fans were thinking , “we’ve have seen this script before, and it wasn’t a good one.

 

4 1/2 hours  and it didn’t even go extras. Even #RedSox & #Yankees are thinking this is a LONG game. #NLDSGame5 #DodgersvsNats

Congrats to  the Dodgers.But maybe Daniel Murphy’s infield fly with the winning run on base is God’s way of saying He/She is okay with the  “gay lifestyle.”

 

Slam magazine rated Carmelo Anthony the 15th-best player in the NBA. Melo said it was “disrespectful.” Maybe to the people ranked 16 through 30?

We interrupt the snark for a NICE off-field NFL story: Eagles QB Carson Wentz, 23, who played at North Dakota State, went back during Philly’s bye week to a local bar in Fargo, ran up a $1,000 tab with friends, and left a $500 tip.

At this point no way of knowing which recently leaked emails involving Hillary are real and which are fake. But okay folks, how many of us really want our friends, family, coworkers etc to know everything we’ve ever said about them in “private”?

Chris Christie has been given a criminal summons to appear at a Bridgegate hearing later this month. Maybe Trump should have chosen the NJ governor as a running mate. Would distract attention now from some of these tapes, etc.

Michele Bachmann says that Hillary  Clinton has an “anti-biblical” agenda. As opposed to  Donald Trump “Grope forth and multiply?

 

Rush Limbaugh, railing about the “Donald Trump sex-talk scandal” “If the left ever senses and smells that there’s no consent in part of the equation, then here come the rape police.”
Uh, yeah… and his point is?

 

Just imagine if one of #BillClinton‘s accusers also said she was treated inappropriately by #DonaldTrump

Donald Trump’s response to a People Magazine reporter who said he had attacked her “Take a look, you take a look, look at her, look at her words — you tell me what you think. I don’t think so.”
Okay, time to open the pool on the gender gap in this years election? About 50 points seems a good start….

Interesting, got a travel agent survey asking if I am more or less likely to recommend Trump properties since he became a candidate, if my clients are more or less likely to ask for Trump properties, if clients have refused to stay in a Trump property…… and if any of this has changed since the “Access Hollywood” tapes….
If this was campaign was a build-a-brand exercise for the Donald, it’s not working.

 

The NY Times, in response to a demand by Trump to retract its groping story or be sued “We decline to do so.” And then “the essence of a libel claim, of course, is the protection of one’s reputation…. Nothing in our article has had the slightest effect on the reputation that Mr. Trump, through his own words and actions, has already created for himself.”