Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category

Fear factor.

August 14, 2016

Thousands of passengers were evacuated at JFK airport tonight over alleged gunshots that turned out to be nonexistent. The sound may just have been cheering for Usain Bolt.

Yep, fear itself is winning.

 

On a more mundane note, getting really tired of saying “Well, THAT was the worst loss of the year. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Apparently  closer Santiago Casilla was just lulling us into a comfortable state of delusion.

It’s a long season, but pretty sure that if ‪#‎Casilla‬ is last ‪#‎SFGiants‬ pitcher in 2016 season he will not walk off mound a winner.

But on a brighter note, clearly Johnny Cueto, 2-3 today with an RBI, has benefited and learned from being in the same clubhouse as Madison Bumgarner.

Ryan Lochte and three other swimmers said they were robbed at gunpoint last night by fake Brazilian police, a report confirmed by the U.S. Olympic committee. The IOC says the reports are “absolutely not true,”
Gosh, hope this one blatant lie doesn’t tarnish the IOC’s credibility.

So does anyone really care about ‪#‎Olympics‬ medals in tennis and golf? Even tennis and golf fans?

Wikileaks founder Julian Assange hates Hillary Clinton, in part because he says she is against the media and freedom of speech. So he wants to help Trump get elected? ‪#‎unclearontheconcept‬

So with a team full of ‪#‎NBA‬ starters plus luxury ship accommodations , ‪#‎TeamUSA‬ barely wins games. Will their gold medal, if they get one, have asterisk? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

Donald Trump used free publicity as a major tool in his fight  to win ‪#‎GOP‬ primary, now complains about media. Talk about biting hand that bottle fed you.

Trump running mate Mike Pence now said he will publicly release his tax returns but did not say when. A GOP spokesman said it would be before the November election. Not of course specifying which year.

Fox News’ Kimberly Guilfoyle said that Clinton and Barack Obama are “constantly making comments trying to bait Trump into saying something that will sidetrack him.”
Leaving aside the fact that the Donald doesn’t need any help, and if Trump is elected no opposition politician or world leader would ever do the same thing?

Man in the mirror?

August 12, 2016

A-Rod said today to Pedro Gomez he wants to be remembered as “someone who is madly in love with the game of baseball.”
Almost as much as he is in love with himself?!

Katie Ledecky makes other swimmers feel like those other horses must have felt with Secretariat in the Belmont Stakes.

Anthony Ervin, 35, won the 50M freestyle. At which point he probably turned around & said “You punks get out of my pool.” ‪#‎Rio2016‬

The US Women’s Soccer team has been knocked out before the medal round. Who do they think they are, the men? ‪#‎USWNT‬ ‪#‎RIo2016‬

Hope Solo after the US Women’s soccer team lost to Sweden – “I also think we played a bunch of cowards. But, you know, the best team did not win today.”
Once again, proving women can be the equal of men. Including in being sore losers.

A CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) announcer called Ryan Lochte the winner of 200m medley instead of Michael Phelps. Well, that’s the trouble with Americans, we all look alike.

So NBC decided to televise five swimming events live Friday night. Except on the West Coast. So swimming is a sport in most of the country and reality TV out west? ‪#‎SMH‬

#‎Olympics‬ diving pool so green it was temporarily closed. At this point divers may hope worst they catch at ‪#‎Rio2016‬ is Zika. ‪#‎Poolgate‬

A-Rod wanted to play 3rd base in his final game with the Yankees. Joe Girardi said no – “”We are still in the business of trying to win games.”
Right, that’s why New York traded away their star closer AND their star set-up man

Burger King has a new “Whopperito,” basically ground beef with cheese sauce, lettuce, onion and tomato wrapped up in a tortilla. The company president said “We know Tex-Mex is growing a lot … and there are not that many national chains that sell burritos,”
Guess none of the names rang a bell?

 

When does ‪#‎BruceBochy‬ start saying postgame “They are who we thought they were.”? ‪#‎SFGiants‬

JetBlue is reporting that 24 people were hospitalized due to turbulence on one of their flights. Shouldn’t they say that 24 people were hospitalized due to not wearing their seat belts?

American Airlines for the win today “Rather than wait on hold we can call you back when it’s your turn. Between 1 hour and 2 minutes and 1 hour and 20 minutes from now.”

Now Donald Trump tweeted “Ratings challenged @CNN reports so seriously that I call President Obama (and Clinton) “the founder” of ISIS, & MVP. THEY DON’T GET SARCASM?’
So if he were to start WW3 by threatening to bomb Russia or China the Donald’s response would be “can’t they take a joke?”

The NY Times has filed a request to unseal the records from Donald Trump’s first divorce, saying they could speak to his “credibility and character.” So the Times may not “write good” but maybe they “revenge good.”

It’s not easy being green.

August 10, 2016

And now both an Olympic diving pool and swimming pool have turned green. Maybe we could have done with Michael Phelps’ saying that everyone pees in the pool.

 

So today the multi-millionaire NBA superstar players living on a secured luxury ship had a somewhat close win over a team with 2-3 NBA players living in dorm conditions. Ah, the Olympic dream. USA! USA! USA! ‪#‎USAvsAustralia‬.

Not sure the real explanation as to why the water in ‪#‎Olympics‬ diving pool is green.  But it’s one way to get divers out of the pool promptly post dive.

 

 

Nice showing by ‪#‎Switzerland‬ against ‪#‎USA‬ But really “beach volleyball” in Switzerland? Makes as much sense as ‪#‎AmericasCup‬ there. ‪#‎Rio2016‬

Can we stop referring to ‪#‎SFGiants‬ on 2nd & 3rd base as “Runners In Scoring Position.” It’s just getting cruel.

But today the Giants did manage to win 1-0 without a single hit with runners in scoring position.  (Crawford home run)

My day job is in the travel business. Somebody just sent me an invitation to become a Trump hotel specialist. Somebody doesn’t know me very well.

A partial power loss on the new light-rail line to Denver International Airport is causing delays. But I am sure the airlines will be as sympathetic to passengers as they expect travelers to be when carriers themselves have delays. ‪#‎Sarcasm‬

Let’s put what Trump said another way. What if Hillary Clinton stood up at a rally and said, “If we elect Donald Trump he will appoint judges to overturn Roe v. Wade. nothing you can do, ladies. Although you Second Amendment women, maybe there is, I don’t know….”
I’m sure the Donald would laugh it off.

 

One of many criticisms of Hillary Clinton is that she made money after leaving office, and now is running for President. Especially after when Giuliani, Romney, Jeb Bush all left office they never did anything for profit before they decided to run…. ‪#more‎sarcasm‬

So ‪#‎MaliaObama‬ might have smoked a joint at a Chicago concert. Kudos to @POTUS & @FLOTUS for raising a normal child.

Man arrested today for climbing ‪#‎TrumpTower‬. Waiting for @realDonaldTrump to tweet ‪#‎TweetTower‬ has best climbers ever, better than Everest.

Donald Trump is blaming yet another controversy, the one involving “Second Amendment people” on the media. Yep, the dastardly media, who persist in reporting exactly what he says.

This text exchange just was revealed between two of Chris Christie’s top aides during the New Jersey Governor’s 2013 press conference about Bridgegate:
“Are you listening? He just flat out lied about senior staff and Stepien not being involved.”
“I’m listening. Gov is doing fine. Holding his own up there.”
“Yes. But he lied. And if emails are found with the subpoena or emails are uncovered in discovery if it comes to that it could be bad.”
Time for the GOP to start talking about Hillary’s emails again.

Bill Littlejohn reports that “Tim Tebow says he doesn’t want to be a ‘sideshow’ in baseball.Right–he’s not done being one in football”

Not even plausibly live?

August 9, 2016

Has @NBC figured out w/ women’s gymnastics only people who aren’t online enough to know results will be asleep by time show airs? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

Wonder which will come first, the NBC tape-delayed coverage of women’s gymnastics, or the Chinese women gymnasts hitting puberty?

Apparently there are signs at the Rio Oympics saying you cannot fish in the toilets. Organizers were worried about that possibility why? – Because it’s the cleanest water in town?

Tim Tebow has apparently been training and now hopes to pursue a career in professional baseball.Tebow hasn’t played the sport since high school so it’s probably crazy to think he could get to a major league level at this point. Though maybe Tim has a chance to catch on with the Atlanta Braves.

 

#‎TimTebow‬ is now hoping to play pro baseball, although he hasn’t played since high school. Even God is thinking Tim doesn’t have a prayer.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ manager ‪#‎BruceBochy‬ was out of the hospital and back on the bench today. Unfortunately the Giants offense is back on life support.

After 7 hits last night, the Giants’ ‪#‎BrandonCrawford‬ went 0-4 today, and struck out on his first at-bat on 3 pitches. Hope his bat didn’t have all the hits taken out of it

A man who was afraid his girlfriend would reunite with her ex called in a fake bomb threat last week before her flight to the Caribbean. He was released on bail, and apparently the couple is back together. These two just might be stupid enough to deserve each other.

In Florida, two wild tortoises were found with their shells completely painted in bright colors, and the state Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission had to issue a warning “While to you it may seem harmless, painting the shells of turtles and tortoises can severely compromise their health….”
If only the tortoises were armed. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Martin Shkreli claims he has diagnosed Hillary Clinton with Parkinson’s Disease, Well, and millions of Americans have diagnosed Shkreli with antisocial personality disorder, or in the vernacular, being a sociopath.

 

Forget ‪#‎ManyAreSaying‬. What Donald Trump really needs is to start using “Everybody’s talking”:
“Everybody’s talking at me
I don’t hear a word they’re saying
Only the echoes of my mind”

Trump is dismissing a letter written by 50 GOP national security experts, who worked for presidents from Nixon to W. which said “None of us will vote for Donald Trump.:
The Donald said the letter was “politically motivated” and that the experts “deserve the blame for making the world such a dangerous place.” Wait a minute, I thought that was Hillary and Obama’s fault?

Donald Trump at a rally today, “Hillary wants to abolish the 2nd amendment. ..If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks — although the 2nd Amendment people, maybe there is.”
If this guy were anything other than the Presidential nominee of a major political party the Secret Service would have made sure he was locked up a long time ago.

 

Possible @RealDonaldTrump is tired of this president thing; just trying to see how outrageous he can be before he is forced out of race?

Okay, I am generally liberal and proud of it. But a Muslim flight attendant is suing ExpressJet, a commuter airline that works with United Airlines and others, saying they suspended her for refusing to serve alcohol. Uh, so what’s next, she will apply for a job in a bar and then sue them too?

Getting late early.

August 7, 2016

Guessing ‪#‎MichaelPhelps‬‘ next retirement speech will be breaking news before @NBC shows most of his ‪#‎Rio2016‬ performances.

Just wonder, if NBC is so sure that women prefer packaged events, why don’t they do two Sunday Night Footballs?  One for guys, and another Monday night with twice as many commercials and edited highlights along with personal stories about the players?

Olympic rowing has been canceled today due to high winds. On a brighter note maybe the wind will blow some of the sewage away.

An Olympic kayaker apparently capsized today when he ran into a sofa. Well, at least the sofa didn’t have a body on it.

So @NBC thinks women don’t care about live sports. or might need to get up early. Top ‪#‎Rio2016‬ events tape delayed  past 1130p. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Serena and Venus Williams were bounced in the first round of the women’s doubles at the Rio 2016 Olympics. Although by the time NBC gets around showing it on tape delay no doubt one of them will already have won another tournament.

#‎MadisonBumgarner‬ has lost 2 complete games 1-0 in 2016. More complete games than most pitchers throw all season. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

#‎ARod‬ will retire Friday. So he’ll be contributing about as much to the ‪#‎Yankees‬ offense as he has been all season.

 

#‎ARod‬ released by ‪#‎Yankees‬. He will serve as an “advisor”but technically he could sign w/ another team. ‪#‎SFGiants‬ not that desperate. Yet.

Having traded two star relievers and with A-Rod retiring, the Yankees are becoming a team of no-names. But those no-names will still get a lot more national TV exposure than the players on the division leading Orioles, Indians and Rangers.

 

Quite a love fest from former 49ers players etc for Eddie Debartolo on his election to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. But not much mention of 1992 allegations of him sexually assaulting a waitress in California, and the reported $200,000 out-of-court settlement. Boys will be boys and owners will be owners?

Jeb Bush’s son George P. Bush, a Texas Land Commissioner, is now saying his fellow Republicans should support Donald Trump. And somewhere W. is thinking, “now who’s the stupid one?”

Oliver North is attacking Obama over an alleged ransom payment to Iran for hostages. So Ollie thinks the President was too wimpy to send them arms instead?

 

John Kasich has indicated he can’t support Donald Trump, and it will be “very very difficult” for Trump to win Ohio. But Kasich also says he thinks a Clinton White House would result in “total gridlock.”
As opposed to what we have now?

 

Donald Trump announced that he would ‘walk’ from Japan, Germany, South Korea and other allies if they don’t commit to defending America and or paying their “fair share” of NATO fees.
This guy is gunning for a new game “Trump Insult Bingo.” Wouldn’t be hard to win.

 

From T.C., as it approaches football season: “Seattle head coach Pete Carroll has been given a three-year extension with the Seahawks.  Owner Paul Allen figures that should be more than enough time for Carroll to design a play that will score a TD from the one-yard line.” . . .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In honor of Olympics, this post should be tape-delayed.

August 5, 2016

NBC not only tape delays ‪#‎Rio2016‬ they’re broadcasting at different times across US. Good luck if you talk to friends in other time zones.

 

Viewers unhappy at @NBC tape-delaying ‪#‎Rio2016‬ an hour w/ commercials. Except on West Coast ‪#‎OpeningCeremony‬ will be OVER before they start.

 

 

At least 3 NBA players in Rio were seen going into a brothel. Clearly Rio is not ready for the Olympics. Shouldn’t the groupies be in place by now?

A Moroccan boxer has been arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting two maids at the Olympic Village. And presumably also for stupidity – he couldn’t find thousands of women happy to sleep with an Olympic athlete?

The USA men’s and women’s basketball teams are staying on a luxury cruise ship docked in Rio, instead of at the Olympic Village where Andrew Bogut has tweeted about no shower curtains and bed issues.
Carmelo Anthony was asked about it “We have the same amenities as if we’re staying in a hotel, so I don’t really see what the (discussion is about). The beds are not big. The rooms are small. There’s some disadvantages to staying on the ship.” And Carmelo said all this with a straight face

Some Olympic swimmers have been practicing with snorkels as the water looks “cloudy.” So when the events begin will we see the first ever hazmat wetsuits?

Brazil has become the butt of jokes before the 2016 Olympics. ‪#‎ThirdWorldProblems‬. But then there’s the US, where NBC still won’t show events live. ‪#‎Firstworldproblems‬

The new head of ABC has vowed there will be more “diversity” on “The Bachelor.” So this means instead of blond and brunette men, they might go for a redhead?

The ‪#‎Yankees‬ have a press conference today about an impending retirement. Unfortunately for Yankee fans, it’s Mark Teixeira, not ‪#‎ARod‬

 –
Jeff Samardzija was almost looking like an ‪#‎AllStar‬, now looking like he should be pitching in ‪#‎AllStarGame‬ home run derby. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

Mike Henriques, the Oakland A’s strength and conditioning coach, was suspended for allegedly putting a hidden camera in the Coliseum weight room to spy on players. Well, and looking at the A’s record, a lot of good it did him.

 

Go ‪#‎redsox‬. But at some point ‪#‎Dodgers‬ losing has to stop being @SFGiants strategy for winning NLWest.

Scott Silverthorne, the mayor of Fairfax, VA, was arrested today for an alleged “meth-for-sex” scheme. SIlverthorne is also a substitute teacher. Wonder if he did his training in Albuquerque?

 

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho:  “There’s good news concerning the contaminated water at the Olympics in Rio. The Zika mosquitoes are dying of Dysentery.”

Tom Brady told reporters his decision finally to accept the NFL’s suspension was a “personal decision.” As in personally Brady figured he was spending more money on lawyers than he would lose in the suspension?

 

Here’s another commie pinko journalist attacking Donald Trump: “Here is a truth of life. When you act as if you’re insane, people are liable to think you’re insane…. There’s a clueless quality about him. It’s not that he doesn’t get advice; it’s that he can’t hear advice, can’t process it or turn it into action.”
The writer? Peggy Noonan.

 

The last line of an Los Angeles Times op-ed. Pass it on. The writer is Bernie Sanders: “I understand that many of my supporters are disappointed by the final results of the nominating process, but being despondent and inactive is not going to improve anything. Going forward and continuing the struggle is what matters. And, in that struggle, the most immediate task we face is to defeat Donald Trump.”

Happy Birthday, Mr President.

August 4, 2016

All of these emails today urging me to sign President Obama’s birthday card. Now saying “last chance” or “urgent.” Somehow I think he’ll get over not seeing my name.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ got a runner on 3rd home with less than two out on a sacrifice fly today. Hope this isn’t a sign of apocalypse.

 

And with his 10th inning game winning home run, can Giants call Denard’s hit a “Span over troubled water?”

Paul Ryan says that Donald Trump has had a “strange” run since the Republican National Convention. In other news the speaker has announced that water is wet.

Approval ratings for President Obama at 54%, highest of  his 2nd term. As most Americans realize how much they will miss him.

It’s looking like this will be Alex Rodriguez’s last year. Wonder if other teams will start gifting A-Rod commemorative cushions for while he sits on the bench.

Framingham State University in Massachusetts has canceled future Cinco de Mayo events after a student complained about the decorations and burrito bar “‘I feel as though whenever an event like this is taking place we go straight to stereotypes and it is EXTREMELY offensive!’
What’s next? Waiting for someone to complain that the 4th of July is offensive to those of British heritage.

 

Apparently a convoy of tourists in Afghanistan was attacked by the Taliban and at least six were injured. Shocking. There are tourists now in Afghanistan?

An 11 year old boy in North Carolina asked Mike Pence  “I’ve been watching the news lately and I’ve been noticing lately that you’ve been kind of softening up on Mr. Trump’s policies and words. Is this going to be your role in the administration?”
This kid has more cojones than most journalists, can one of the networks sign him up?

The man accused of killing nine African-Americans in a Charleston church was apparently attacked and beaten today by a fellow inmate in jail today. “I feel so sorry for him” said no one.

 

If someone had written a novel about @realDonaldTrump’s Presidential campaign it would have been rejected by editors as too unbelievable.

 

#‎RussellWestbrook‬ reportedly deleted ‪#‎KevinDurant‬‘s farewell text to him. So “You had me at good bye?”

A young man with “mental health issues” in London is apparently responsible for fatally stabbing one woman and injuring several other people. Can only imagine had he been in the US with access to guns.

 –
Sad, a knife attack in London has left 1 dead and several injured. A 19 year-old man is in custody. While terrorism remains a possibility,” the police say “mental health was a significant factor.”
“Mental health?” No race or religion to blame? Well, carry on then…

 

 

From Gerry. W., a fee that could make airlines millions,  and that many travelers would actually  applaud:   http://www.cbc.ca/beta/comedy/funnystuff/air-canada-to-start-charging-for-emotional-baggage-in-2017-1.3631162


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 383 other followers