Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category

Playoffs, eh?

May 14, 2016

So the Air Canada Centre in Toronto is hosting an NBA  playoff game 7 on Sunday. And  Maple Leafs fans are going “What’s a game 7?”

(one of myCanadian friends says they are asking “what’s a playoff?)

The losers of the Ohio State spring football game were penalized by having to shovel mulch.  Of course, if Urban Meyer really wants to motivate players, he could make the losers go to class.

Well, if you believe in redemption, here’s your potential made-for-TV sports movie story of the day. Matt Bush was the #1 MLB draft pick in 2004, and went off the rails big time. Drunken fights, accusations of assault, and finally 3 years in jail prison a DUI causing serious injury. He was released last December. And today the Texas Rangers have called him up to the big leagues. Who knows, maybe there’s hope for Johnny Manziel.

 

A New York celebrity vegan chef who ran a restaurant called Pure Food and Wine has been arrested in Tennessee after a months’ long chase after she allegedly didn’t pay wages, and cheated on taxes etc. The best part of this, she and her husband were caught after they ordered a Domino’s pizza.

SF Giants’ closer Santiago Casilla, upset when manager Bruce Bochy pulled him in the 9th with two outs, and a 4-2 lead, after he had loaded the bases, the last on a 4 pitch walk, and was facing a batter who hit a home run against him last time. “It’s my opportunity to find out who’s who…. You have to let me try to see if I can get him out.”
Uh, or maybe you have to let Bochy try to see if the Giants could win the game?

 

(although curiously enough three things happened Friday.  1. Casilla apologized.  2. Bochy gave him another chance. 3. He struck out both batters.)

 

If it’s all about keeping children safe from potential predators, waiting for someone to demand that priests be kept out of men’s rooms.

Donald Trump to a reporter who asked about his tax returns: “It’s none of your business, you’ll see it when I release.”
Ah yes, only the little people answer questions about their taxes.

Apparently a man offering “free hugs” in Times Square slugged a Canadian woman in the face after she refused to tip him. Well, or maybe that’s his idea of a New York hug.

 

Jose Reyes was suspended 51 days over his domestic violence arrest. Imagine if he had done something really serious, like buying an over-the-counter supplement in the Dominican Republic.

Match made in somewhere?

May 11, 2016

For all those who have wondered how Heidi Cruz could possibly put up with Ted, this is Heidi yesterday, saying the campaign was not in vain “God does not work in four-year segments.”Be full of faith and so full of joy that this team was chosen to fight a long battle Think that slavery — it took 25 years to defeat slavery. That is a lot longer than four years.”
And just think, she could have been First Lady. ‪#‎madeforeachother‬

 

Donald Trump is still stonewalling on calls to release his tax returns, saying in an AP interview. “there’s nothing to learn from them.”
“Nothing to learn…” Am sure the Donald will say the same thing about Hillary’s emails and Goldman Sachs speeches..

 

 

#‎MaxScherzer‬ had 20 strikeouts today. Wonder how many frustrated fans had 1st reaction “Didn’t even know ‪#‎Nats‬ were playing the ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

When you are 4 for 43 with RISP shouldn’t it be RIBSP? “Runners in Being Stranded Position.”. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Figures after a week where the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ seem to have forgotten they have bats, they win in the 13th without a hit and walk-off walk.

 

Just when you think humanity can’t go any lower, here’s breaking news out of Florida: “George Zimmerman auctioning off gun that he used in Trayvon Martin shooting.”
Not sure which is lower though about this auction, George or the bidders. ‪#‎WishthisweretheOnion‬

Gwyneth Paltrow has a “lifestyle” site, “Goop,” with various items for sale. Including now a $15,000 24-karat gold plated dildo, which includes “free discreet shipping, A PDF manual, and a 10-year warranty. But it’s not as if Paltrow is out of touch with ordinary people – the site sells a silver model for only $7,900.

Way to get that sponsor love – Former MLBer Brandon Laird, now playing in Japan, hit a home run off a Kirin beer sign and won $10,000 plus a year’s worth of beer. When asked what he would do with the prize, Laird responded “Definitely not drink it. Maybe give some to the batting practice pitchers or whoever wants it.”

The NBA has acknowledged they made two mistakes against the Spurs in the end of last night’s loss, first, a non-call when Kawhi Leonard tried to foul Kevin Durant at the end of the game, second a foul called against Danny Green when he was tripped by Steven Adams and fell into Durant.
Well, this ought to do wonders to reassure people who think the league is fixed.

 

In Massachusetts, a man who was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts and told staffers the “devil was playing tricks on his mind,” was released the same day/ He then went on a stabbing rampage, killing two people and injuring two others before he was himself fatally shot by an off-duty deputy. ‪#‎Ifonlyhewerearmed‬

First cut is the deepest?

May 10, 2016
 Ray Lewis has been let go by ESPN. Wonder if he decided to cut and run?

 

Rough overtime loss for ‪#‎SJSharks‬. But at least so far they have outscored the ‪#‎SFGIants‬

‪#‎Raptors‬ & ‪#‎Heat‬ are fighting very hard to see who gets the right to be swept by the ‪#‎Cavaliers‬. ‪#‎TORvsMIA‬

 

 

Warriors vs Blazers was almost 3 hours before overtime.  Yep, we all watch ‪#‎NBAPlayoffs‬ just to see these referees at work.

But going to be amusing when a lot of people wake up on the East Coast and wonder, so what happened in that GS-Portland overtime?

ESPN reported Monday morning “Breaking News” Steph ‪#‎Curry‬ will win ‪#‎NBA‬ ‪#‎MVP‬ this season. Wouldn’t it actually have been news only if he didn’t win?

 

#‎Padres‬ apparently interested in Tim Lincecum. Presumably mostly just to make sure Timmy doesn’t pitch against them. ‪#‎twonohitters‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

So now North Carolina and the feds are suing each other over this gender-bathroom law. Good to know things are going so well in the U.S. that we don’t have any more pressing issues to worry about.

 

Antonio Cromartie’s wife has just had twins, bringing the NFL cornerback’s total number of children to 12 by 8 different women. He tweeted out “Thank you to everyone with your support and kind words. God Bless you all.”
And God is thinking “uh, about that go forth and multiply. I didn’t really mean exponentially.”

The first American cruise to Cuba in over 50 years returned with 14 passengers out of over 700 having stomach ailments which could be norovirus. Or they could be suffering from “lots of rum and cigars.”

Adrian Peterson says the Minnesota Vikings “are going to have a good chance to win it this year — win everything.”  “Everything?”  Hmm, is the team buying lottery tickets?

 

Topps now have “Topps Now,” an on-demand business to print limited-edition cards for 24 hours. Bartolo Colon’s home run featured on such a card sold 8,826 in 24 hours, breaking the old record of 1,808 for Jake Arieta’s no-hitter card.
What a shame that “Topps Now” didn’t exist for Mickey Lolich who shared Colon’s physique and hitting ability. He also hit one home run in his life – during the 1968 World Series.

The Social Security Administration released its list of top baby names last Friday, and said that in 2015, “Isis” has fallen out of the top 1000 US. baby names. And who saw that coming?

 

Paul Ryan said today that he will step down as a co-chair of the 2016 GOP convention if Donald Trump asks him to do so. Translation “oh, please, oh please.”

All kinds of consternation over the weekend when Donald Trump talked about raising taxes on the wealthy. Of course, this is the man who said he started out with a “little loan of $1 million from his father.” So his concept of wealthy might be a little different from most the rest of ours.

Oops, never mind. Trump today on that tax hike for the wealthy. “I could see the wealthy getting raised, but I’m not talking about getting raised from where they are now. I’m talking about getting raised from my low proposal.”
For someone who hasn’t been a politician he’s learned to flip flop faster than almost any of them.

Show some respect, eh?

May 8, 2016

It takes some work to make Canadians angry. But Dwyane Wade managed to do it, by taking warm up shots during the Canadian national anthem. On the other hand, the Raptors, who sometimes seem to have trouble getting fired up, won the game. So maybe Wade should keep up the “Oh Canada” shooting.

 

Major league teams are selling today’s Mother’s Day equipment and uniforms to raise money for breast cancer research. Although the SFGiants. who lost 2-0, and were 0-6 with runners in scoring position,  won’t be able to market them as actual “game-used” bats.

An unknown person in New Jersey has won the $429 million Powerball lottery. His or her first act with the winnings will no doubt be to move out of New Jersey.

Americans apparently spend over $21 billion on Mother’s Day. Wow. To be fair, at least $1 billion of that must be spent by players in the NBA.

 

#‎Hawks‬ have now joined the ‪#‎Braves‬ in making ‪#‎Atlanta‬ fans really look forward to the ‪#‎Falcons‬.

The Yankees are in last place and worse, ticket sales are way down. Not sure what the team will do. Maybe they can sign Kobe Bryant for a one year contract so he can sit the bench and do a baseball version of his farewell tour?

Ted Cruz apparently feels now that he could have stopped Donald Trump, if Marco Rubio had only agreed to become his running mate in March. Got news for Ted, the bottom half of the ticket wasn’t why Americans “Just Said No” to him.

Former Arizona Governor Jan Brewer said she’d be willing to be Donald Trump’s running mate. Waiting for Hillary Clinton to second that choice in female solidarity.

 

Sarah Palin on Paul Ryan “His political career is over.” Well, ‪#‎takesonetoknowone‬

 

 

Mississippi State has confirmed that a student died when he fell off of the football stadium Jumbotron at 1:30am Saturday morning. Sad, but just guessing alcohol gets an assist on this Darwin award.

To save money, Dropbox is apparently cutting back on some of its perks. The company is pushing free dinner from 6pm to 7pm, and limiting guests to five a month. ‪#‎Getouttheviolins‬

 

David Maloney is an  Alabama attorney who has run commercials talking about how he turns out down drunk drivers as clients. ” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if you drink and you drive and you hurt someone, don’t call me. I’m not going to represent you, I’m not going to help you. If anything, I’m going to be the lawyer going after you.”

Maloney was arrested this weekend in Florida. For alleged DUI.  Well, guess he won’t be one of those fools who has himself for a client.  #meanbitchkarmahasacousinhubris

 

 

And down the stretch they come.

May 7, 2016

Nyquist wins the Kentucky Derby. Hope confused fans don’t start throwing octopuses at him.

(Non-hockey fans, google “Red Wings” and “octopus.”)

Waiting for conservatives to complain the Kentucky Derby glorifies athletes who will succeed, then go have lots of out-of-wedlock children.

Hard to imagine sometimes we once had ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ telecasts without Tara Lipinski & Johnny Weir. ‪#‎matchmadeinheaven‬?

So many private jets at the ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ you’d think it was the GOP national convention.

#‎Walmart‬ says it is bringing back its “customer hosts” at the door. ‪#‎MakeAmericaGreetAgain‬?

 

Who’d a thunk that ‪#‎BartoloColon‬ would be certain to end the 2016 season with more home runs than ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬?

SF Giants have not said publicly if they have made an offer to Tim Lincecum. Of course, the way Cain and Peavy have been pitching, and now today’s game ending in the 13th, they may sign him only if he can start Monday.

Matt Duffy gets a walkoff hit in the 13th, as the Giants game finished 2 minutes before the NBA Western Conference semi-finals, thereby sparing millions of SF sports fans by minutes of having to decide between the SFGiants and the Warriors.

 

The Cubs in 2016 have a +101 run differential. To put this in perspective, the Yankees in 2016 have SCORED 100 runs.

You really cannot make this “stuff” up. A American Airlines commuter flight was delayed two hours because a University of Pennsylvania math professor was working on a differential equation, and a woman passenger thought he might be “a terrorist because he was writing strange things on a piece of paper.”
The professor, who is Italian, was questioned and the “allegations were found to be non-credible.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Lauryn Hill was booed by fans in Atlanta after she showed up 2 hours late for a concert. She blamed it on her driver getting lost Gosh, if only someone could think of an invention to solve that kind of problem..

At a high school outside of Boston, someone hacked selfies that girls sent to their boyfriends, and apparently created some additional fakes, then posted up to 50 pictures on Dropbox. Once again, so thankful to have grown up in a pre-social media age.

 

Almost worth putting Elizabeth Warren on the Democratic ticket just for her comebacks. This tweet after Donald Trump said he was “driving her nuts “No, @realDonaldTrump – your racism, sexism & xenophobia doesn’t drive me nuts. It makes me sick. And I’m not alone”

Trump is attacking Hillary over Bill’s extra-marital affairs “She’s married to a man that got impeached for lying.” Right, and the Donald would never have lied to the American people. Only Ivanka, and Marla, and…..?’

 

 

Oh girl

May 4, 2016

Caitlyn Jenner, 66, reportedly will appear on an upcoming cover of SI for the 40th anniversary of her 1976 Olympic decathlon win, wearing “nothing but an American flag and her Olympic medal.”
Uh, leave the transgender stuff aside. How many people want to see a picture of ANY 66 year old person naked?

While unemployment is down in the USA, a good thing, productivity is also down, which is disturbing. Wondering how many American workers have posted about this trend on Facebook.

So it was only last year that the bones of Richard III were reinterred from under a carpark to Leicester Cathedral. And now Leicester City, a 5,000 to 1 shot, has won the English Premier League. ‪#‎Coincidence‬?

ESPN’s OTL is reporting that MLB will announce another suspension for Turinabol, which was a steroid favored by East German athletes in the 1970s. And with improved testing,  no doubt other suspensions will follow.
Really,  an East German drug from the 1970s?  Well, baseball always has had a reputation as a sport that reveres the past.

USA Today headline “Losing Pablo Sandoval may be best for Red Sox.” Same thing can definitely be said for ‪#‎SFGiants‬.

 

OKC’s Dion Waiters, talking about San Antonio and LaMarcus Aldridge “One man can’t beat you.” Right, because the Spurs always run such a one-man offense.

John Kasich “As I suspend my campaign today, I have renewed faith, deeper faith, that the Lord will show me the way forward.”
And God is thinking “Don’t blame me, I didn’t tell any of you clowns to run in the first place.”

So with Kasich dropping out tonight can we officially refer to the ‪#‎GOP‬ race as “Last Comic Standing?”

Unhappiest people in the GOP right about now have to be those in California who were counting on a contested race to help Republican turnout in June. (California has a top-two primary, so a GOP candidate is not guaranteed to get on the November ballot.)

 

Emma Watson said she wore a dress made of recycled plastic bottles to N.Y.s’ Met Gala. Well, that’s a change, having an actress appear publicly with plastic on the outside of her body..

Disneyland shut down their California Screamin’ roller coaster for an hour after a passenger was spotting using a selfie stick on it. When Disney restarted the coaster, couldn’t they just let the offending guest take the first ride solo with her/her stick, and no seat belt? ‪#‎Darwinwouldbesoproud‬

 

 

#‎SFGiants‬ fans are understandably less than thrilled with Jake Peavy this year. On other hand, Zack Greinke has a 5.50 ERA ‪#‎dodgedabullet‬?

 

Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill raising the minimum smoking age in California to 21. Many teenagers shrugged – “he’s only talking about cigarettes.”

It now looks like a choice between Hillary & Trump. And millions of Americans are wishing another choice was to repeal that 22nd amendment.

Line of the night. The Daily Show’s Trevor Noah, who is from South Africa, on watching Trump take the GOP nomination: “I’m from a Third World country. It looks like you are headed to one.”

And then there were two.

May 3, 2016

Ted Cruz has announcing he is dropping out of the GOP race. Wow. ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ tanked that campaign even faster than she tanked ‪#‎HP‬

 

Maybe ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ did bring something to the ‪#‎TedCruz‬ campaign after all – lots of leftover staff layoff notices?

 

So who’d a thunk the ‪#‎GOP‬ Primary might be down to one candidate before the Democrats?

So wonder how much we Democrats can fundraise to convince ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ to volunteer for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬‘s campaign?

#‎Trump‬ called ‪#‎TedCruz‬ tonight “a great guy with one hellava future.” Doesn’t he mean a future in hell? ‪#‎Lucifer‬

 

Headline “Ted Cruz Suspends Campaign After Primary Loss in Indiana.” Wait, don’t suspensions generally follow enhanced performances?

Donald Trump is now close to clinching the GOP nomination, so talk may soon turn to his potential running mate. The Donald has mentioned picking a woman. Well, considering his popularity within the party and the voters apparent love for a reality TV star with no political experience, maybe Trump is considering a Kardashian?

Okay, who besides me regularly sees things that reportedly come out of ‪#‎Trump‬‘s mouth & has to double check that it’s not ‪#‎theOnion‬?

Regarding the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, Eric Trump told news outlets that Obama’s jokes about his dad were “all in good fun,” but “we are going to be there next year.”
Hmm, so they’re going to accept Hillary’s invitation?

Earlier today,  Donald Trump, apparently not content with his lead over Cruz in the polls, is now onto the National Enquirer story about Cruz’s dad “His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being — you know, shot. That was reported, and nobody talks about it… What was he doing? What was he doing with Lee Harvey Oswald shortly before the death, before the shooting? It’s horrible”
And millions of Americans thought this race couldn’t get any crazier. ‪#‎weveonlyjustbegun‬

 

It was just announced that the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, Paul McCartney, Neil Young, Roger Waters and the Who will all perform in a 3 day-concert festival in Indio, California this October.
Maybe with all these rock and roll deaths they figured they’d better get together before it’s too late? ‪#‎concertfortheages‬ ‪#‎concertfortheaged‬

 

This mega concert with the Stones, McCartney, Dylan, etc this October should be notable in many respects. For one thing, it may be the first festival to forego portapotties in favor of Depends.

You know Justin Verlander’s pitching has been going downhill when the CNN headline is “Model Kate Upton gets engaged.”

A record 16 ‪#‎TonyAwards‬ nominations for ‪#‎Hamilton‬?!. Gosh, hope this doesn’t make tickets too hard to get.

 

The SF Chronicle reports that Northern California’s Bitmicro Networks Inc. which manufactures flash storage systems, has agreed to pay about $161,268 in back wages to engineers from the Philippines. The company brought them here, housed them in a hotel, and illegally paid them about $2 an hour. Bitmicro claimed that the wage issue was an oversight.
Right, it was an oversight that someone didn’t do a better job of hiding the foreign workers’ pay rate.

The Second Circuit Court of Appeals has granted Tom Brady and the NFLPA a 14-day extension on Tuesday to file for a rehearing on “Deflategate.” Right, because this whole saga hasn’t gone on for nearly long enough.

The NBA’s last two-minute review admits five missed calls at end of last night’s Spurs-Thunder playoff game. Only five?

 


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