Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category

The more things change…

October 1, 2016

Seems like old times – #RyanVogelsong starting tomorrow against #Cardinals tomorrow and a win puts the #SFGiants in playoffs..


As expected, #TyBlach vs #ClaytonKershaw was no contest, really. #SFGiants #Dodgers

One thing you can say about #TyBlach, he’s no #SalomonTorres. #SFGiants


Heaven knows the SF Giants have had some horrible losses this year. But when the playoffs are on the line & you lose to the Braves and the As, well, then maybe you really shouldn’t be in the postseason. #Tigers #Mariners

By my count, #SFGiants pitchers have 48 hits & 33 RBI’s this year. #WedontneednostinkinDH #PitchersWhoRake


Alabama coach Nick Saban says of star LB Tim Williams, arrested this week on gun charges, that he will face “internal” discipline, which will not involve a loss of playing time. So what will Williams have to do – go to a class? #suspensionsareforbenchplayers

Tomorrow morning’s game – try to tell the difference between whatever lines are uttered by Alec Baldwin tonight on SNL pretending to be Trump. and lines from the real Donald.

Trump tweeted last night “For those few people knocking me for tweeting at three o’clock in the morning, at least you know I will be there, awake, to answer the call!”
True, but maybe we don’t want the call answered by someone in the midst of the Twitter equivalent of drunk-dialing?.

Flipping through Glamour magazine at the nail salon I saw some interviews with women saying who they were voting for and why. About 2/3 were for Clinton, but one Trump gal starts out her statement “When I was little I was for Hillary….” She is 18 years old.

The Seahawks’ Doug Baldwin, a Stanford graduate whose father is a police officer, says he has received death threats because he called for law enforcement “to eliminate militaristic cultures while putting a higher emphasis on de-escalation tactics and crisis management measures.”
Got to wonder if some of the threats are from people who couldn’t even translate what he said.


Friday’s top quote: I’m “not sure anybody is more qualified than Hillary Clinton to be president of the United States.” The speaker, Bill Weld – former governor of Massachusetts and Gary Johnson’s running mate.

So by comparison was Leona Helmsley one of the “little people” who paid taxes?

#LastTimeTrumpPaidTaxes #HillaryClinton was just signing up for a newfangled AOL email account.

Jacob Hall, the 6 year-old boy shot at his South Carolina elementary school this week has died. His alleged 14-year old killer had been home-schooled since he was been expelled for bringing a gun to class. So are we going to build walls around schools or make sure all children are armed?


From Marc Ragovin.  “no bigger joke than the way mlb handled the end of thursday’s Cards/Reds game.”

(for anyone who didn’t watch or didn’t read about it later, the umpires somehow missed the fact that a ball bounced out of play over the fence and then bounced back, which was a ground rule double, and not a ball that would have let the Cardinals runner score from first.)


From Neal , post Friday night.  “Tonight’s #SFGiants game & his body slam of a fan running on the field, free agent #AngelPagan may be offered a contract by the #SF49ers?








Still swinging

September 30, 2016

Open note to MLB commisioner Rob Manfred. Watch replays of Friday night’s SFGiants Dodgers game.  Then please never consider giving NL a DH. #pitchershwhorake

Also after tonight’s #SFGiants game & his body slam of a fan running on  the field, free agent #AngelPagan may be offered a contract by the #SF49ers

The brightest note for #Stanford fans tonight, at least tonight’s loss won’t go in the category of heartbreaker.

The CDC now says men who travel to Zika area should wait 6 months before unprotected sex. So much for those fun NBA road trips to Miami.

Richard Trentlage, 87, has passed away. He was known for writing the Oscar Meyer jingle, one of the most iconic of our time. So if he gets his wish, will Trentlage be reincarnated as an Oscar Meyer Weiner?


Former NBA commissioner David Stern says he has changed his mind and now wants expanded legal sports betting in the United States. Because that’s going to be the only way to get most Americans to care about the NBA regular season?

Anthony Bourdain, asked if he would dine with Trump, replied “Absolutely f—ing not,” and described the Donald as “loathsome.” And this is a man who has eaten bull testicles, seal eyes and hakari (dried fermented shark.),


If @realDonaldTrump were elected President that 3:00am phone call might be from his chief of staff telling him to get off Twitter.

But if  elected will Donald Trump’s first act as President to be to close down all U.S. newspapers?

Donald Trump and Twitter, the gift that keeps on giving: “Remember, don’t believe “sources said” by the VERY dishonest media. If they don’t name the sources, the sources don’t exist.”
Did “many people” tell Trump the sources didn’t exist?


Donald Trump, in a NY Times interview, said that infidelity was “never a problem” during his three marriages. Well, I guess it wasn’t a problem for him.

That moment when a thrice-married overweight man calls out his former beauty pageant winner for her sexual past & her size.

Another commie-pinko media type for Hillary:
“But most Americans will soon make their choice. It will be either Mr. Trump or Mrs. Clinton – experienced, forward-looking, indomitably determined and eminently sane. Her election alone is what stands between the American nation and the reign of the most unstable, proudly uninformed, psychologically unfit president ever to enter the White House.”
Dorothy Rabinowitz, Wall Street Journal editorial board:

I miss Walter Cronkite. #Election2016

A plague on both your houses?

September 28, 2016

Colin Kaepernick after Monday’s Presidential debate said “Both are proven liars and it almost seems like they’re trying to debate who’s less racist.”
Well, suppose it’s a good thing there’s no chance the SF 49ers will be making a White House visit any time soon.


Could someone inform the #SFGiants that if you score 12 runs in 2 games it’s not a bad idea to split them up?

Matt Duffy apparently stopped by the #SFGiants clubhouse today. Could he lend the team #Skeeter?

Interesting point on bullpens in the postseason made by Tom Verducci in today – the percentage games won by relief pitchers in the regular season and then in post season: 1965-68 – 26.8% and 8%. 1995-98 – 30.0% and 35.4%. 2012-2015 – 30.4% and 41.3%.
Of course Madbum in 2014 was both a starter AND a reliever. #SFGiants

Arguing that being banned from baseball didn’t mean its Hall of Fame, Pete Rose apparently has made a direct appeal to the Hall to restore his eligibility. Wonder what his odds are?

A fan who proposed to his girlfriend at Yankee Stadium during a Red Sox Yankees game had to hunt in the seats for the ring which he dropped as he dropped to a knee. Fortunately the ring was found and she said yes. Did the happy couple get an autographed ball from Starlin Castro?

(for those going, huh?, Castro is not known for his defense.)

If @realDonaldTrump bails on the next two debates will @HillaryClinton try to borrow Clint Eastwood’s chair?

Some say that @realDonaldTrump will learn from his mistakes in 1st debate. That assumes that Trump actually ever thinks he makes mistakes.

Now Donald Trump, Jr. is praising his father’s “courage” for not mentioning Bill Clinton’s cheating on Monday night “out of respect for Chelsea.”
Right, so anyone want to start a pool on how many times the thrice-married Trump and his family will congratulate themselves for not mentioning infidelity?


Gary Johnson was asked today to name his favorite foreign leader, and he couldn’t do it, finally admitting “I’m having a brain freeze.” So what’s Johnson’s plan after the election, running for Governor of Texas?

It’s too easy as a U.S.woman to criticize Gary Johnson for not being able to name his favorite foreign leader  Justin Trudeau.  Next question?

So with Arizona Republic, the Dallas Morning News and the CIncinnati Enquirer breaking with long tradition and joining more liberal papers to endorse a Democrat for President, wonder if Trump’s plan if elected will be to eliminate all press credentials.

Tea and lemonade and sympathy.

September 25, 2016

Bummer. RIP #ArnoldPalmer, 87. For younger generation who think golf started with Tiger Woods, Arnold was much more than name of a drink.

And then to put baseball in perspective, this just sucks, RIP  Jose Fernandez, 24.

Today’s “how low can you go” Twitter award, Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz “for all who will kneel during the anthem today — just remember how Jose Fernandez risked his life just for the chance to stand for it.”


You’d think at least once in MLB season that a team could win after trailing entering 9th. So far with 2016 #SFGiants you would think wrong.


Whatever happens to the #SFGiants this year, at least they are staying in the playoff picture longer than the #Yankees. #smallmercies

Les Miles has been fired by LSU. What a shame for all those 12 year olds who were expecting a scholarship offer this year.

Starting to look like the #49ers will soon start hoping for more post game questions about Colin Kaepernick’s kneeling and less about their play on the field.

Jim Harbaugh, on some of his Michigan players raising fists during the National Anthem: “I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the last four, five, six weeks ..Because I am the football coach doesn’t mean I can dictate to people what they believe. I support our guys.”
Good for Harbaugh, although have to wonder if he thought but didn’t say “As long as they keep winning…”


North Carolina has a new law taking effect next weekend which says police bodycam videos will no longer be public record. Individual law enforcement agencies will have the power to release or not release footage. So the state is terrified of transgenders in bathrooms but not about civilians being unjustly shot?

Ken Starr yesterday said a “grave injustice was done to Art Briles” the former Baylor football coach, by the media over Briles’ handling of sexual assault allegations against some of his team..
Right, heaven forbid a university fire a coach when women get raped by his players. It’s not like he had consensual sex with an intern….

Leaving aside the fact that many great leaders have had incredIbly messy personal lives, it’s amazing to watch so many people declare that whatever reasons Hillary has had for staying in her marriage must be much worse than those Trump has had for leaving two of his.


Now the Trump campaign, says they are really not inviting Gennifer Flowers to Monday’s debate, despite the Donald’s tweet saying he was considering it. Translation, somebody reminded Trump that women vote?

Now that Trump isn’t bringing Gennifer Flowers to the debate, there’s an empty chair? So let’s see, Ann Coulter, Ted Nugent, Scott Baio are available. Or maybe the Donald can go Clint Eastwood for the night?

Hillary Clinton is 5’4″, Donald Trump is 6’3″, but apparently Hillary will have a slightly raised podium Monday night to make the height difference appear less. No doubt another excuse for the Donald to claim the debate is rigged.


#Trump campaign manager KellyAnne Conway says that the Donald is “the Babe Ruth of debating.” WTF? The Sultan of Naught?

Approaching MLB’s regular season last weak….

September 23, 2016

Whatever you think of Wild Cards in #MLB, without them there might not be a single game that would matter for last week of the season.

Okay, the #SFGiants have about 100 pitchers in their bullpen and in a one-run game in the 5th they turn it over to Matt Reynolds? #WTF?

New England QB Jacoby Brissett has a thumb injury. Gosh, hope the #Patriots have someone in mind as a  long-term possible replacement.

The Raiders’ Marquette King was fined over $18K for horse collar tackle last week. King is the team’s PUNTER. Wonder if he’s going to frame the NFL fine notice?

#KevinGarnett announced his retirement today. “The first time is the hardest” said Brett Favre.

Colin Kaepernick is on the cover of Time Magazine. Whatever you think of his protest nice to see an NFL player getting this much off-field media attention without his own arrest being involved.

Backup Seattle catcher Steve Clevenger has been suspended for tweeting about Charlotte: “BLM is pathetic once again! Obama you are pathetic! Everyone involved should be behind bars like animals!”
Clevenger has apologized and said he is not racist. But have to think the Mariners suspended him not just for racism but stupidity.

The Ohio county chair for Donald Trump’s who said “I don’t think there was any racism until Obama got elected” has resigned. Wonder if she’s already gotten a job offer from Fox News?

Does the #Patriots 3-0 start officially eliminate #TomBrady from this year’s NFL MVP competition?

So Ted Cruz has now endorsed Donald Trump and Kim Kardashian says after a long talk with Caitlyn that she’s on the fence. #Wearegoingtoneedabiggerbasket

#TedCruz thought that Americans would elect him to stand up to our enemies? In the end, he couldn’t even stand up to #Trump


Bruce Springsteen called Donald Trump “a moron.”   Chris Christie hasn’t felt so conflicted since he had to choose between the last two doughnuts on a plate.

#Trump tweeted out today “This is more than a campaign- it is a movement.” Uh, yeah, he left out a word – bowel.

A thought about tweets that get people in trouble. Yes, I get that it’s hard to say exactly what you mean in 140 characters. But if you’re a public figure without the gift of being succinct, maybe stick to Facebook?


#DonaldTrump called #TedCruz “the worst liar he’s ever known.” #Cruz called #Trump a “pathological liar.” Credit where credit is due.

To put this in sports terms, this is like them deciding to root for the Browns over the Bengals:
“The Cincinnati Enquirer has supported Republicans for president for almost a century — a tradition this editorial board doesn’t take lightly. But this is not a traditional race, and these are not traditional times.
Our country needs calm, thoughtful leadership to deal with the challenges we face at home and abroad. We need a leader who will bring out the best in all Americans, not the worst.
That’s why there is only one choice when we elect a president in November: Hillary Clinton.”

Here we go again. Another mass shooting, this time at a mall in the state of Washington. The alleged suspect is a reportedly a Hispanic male. So if true he’s mentally ill, not a terrorist. Unless he is an immigrant….. Sigh.

Rounding third

September 22, 2016

Phillies came from behind and took two-run leads into the bottom of the 9th and the bottom of the 11th against the Mets.  They blew both leads and lost 9-8.    So were the Phils trying  to get the Philadelphia fans in an early booing holiday spirit by the relievers playing Santa Claus?


Talking about the #SFGiants needing to find their mojo. Anyway just for a few weeks to lure former third base coach @TimFlannery2 out of retirement?

The Panthers and VIkings plan still to play this weekend in Charlotte, despite the protests. Panthers LB Thomas Davis: “I look at football as a way to bring people together…I hope people know that violence is not the answer.” Well, off-field violence anyway.


Hear that the Baltimore Orioles are unhappy with average attendance of 19,422 fans in two games against the Boston Red Sox. And the Tampa Bay Rays are thinking “what, did those crowds overwhelm the concessions?”

San Francisco streets were shut for hours this morning over a “suspicious” object that turned out to be an abandoned empty rice cooker. #fearitselfiswinning

Open note to Americans thinking of dropping off their old crockpots, rice or pressure cookers at Goodwill, maybe now is not the best time.

And while we debate ways to keep America safer, a 24 year-old U of Iowa student, Megan Sloss, was fatally shot this weekend. By her older brother, who police say was showing her how to clean a gun when it accidentally discharged. #ifonlyshewasarmed


#MarissaMayer knew for some time about a about a 2 yr-old data breach affecting 500 million #Yahoo users.  And she’s probably be terminated soon and get a $44 million severance package . What’s next, running for office on her record of corporate experience?


Wonder how many #Yahoo users today are changing their passwords to “YahooSucks?”

In his first speech to the UN this week, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau talked about politicians exploiting anxiety. but in Canadia, “by appealing to people’s better angels, by drawing people together rather than stoking fears and anxieties, we were actually able to create a government that is focused on strengthening the middle class, to allay those fears and anxieties and demonstrate a positive engagement with the world.”
Waiting for Trump to demand a wall on our Northern border, and saying Canada will pay for it.


More Justin Trudeau “The point that is so important to emphasize is that what we found in Canada was that people are better than divisive politicians think they are.”
Your move, America.

Remember when Monday Night Football was a big deal? Now we have Thursday night, along with the weekend. Who’s going to be first with Tuesday or Wednesday Night Football?

Donald Rumsfeld, 84, says of George H.W. Bush, 92, backing Clinton “He’s up in years.” So what is any serious former defense secretary’s excuse for backing Trump?

Kathy Miller, one of Donald Trump’s Ohio campaign chairs, in an interview with the Guardian, “If you’re black and you haven’t been successful in the last 50 years, it’s your own fault. You’ve had every opportunity, it was given to you…I don’t think there was any racism until Obama got elected.”


Regarding Hillary Clinton on “Between Two Ferns,” I thought she did a good job. Hillary was never going to be the cool mom down drinking with your friends in the basement. But she was going to be the mom who cleaned up the mess and made sure no one ended up in the hospital or arrested.

What matters most.

September 21, 2016


So Colin Kaepernick was just voted the most disliked player in the NFL. Because kneeling during the National Anthem is so much worse than assault, domestic violence, rape….

Miami Dolphins safety Michael Thomas, who has been kneeling during the national anthem for the first two games of the NFL season, says he has been receiving death threats via social media. Okay, outrage and upset I get, but death threats? Seems like some Americans are bent on proving his and Kaepernick’s etc. point.

On a brighter note for #SFGiants fans, tonight’s 9-3 loss to the Dodgers wasn’t a heart-breaking 9th inning.

Interesting for SF Giants fans. If it comes down to the last day of the season and Giants are tied with the Cardinals – look at the expected pitching match-up for St. Louis and Pittsburgh:

Cards: Weaver (1-4) Pirates: Vogelsong (3-5)


Story today in the SF Chronicle that BART’s fare machines are running on Windows 2000, 17 year-old software. By airline standards, cutting-edge technology.

In Norway, 126 owners of Tesla Model S P85D are suing the company, saying their cars’ with “insane mode” acceleration only reached 496 horsepower instead of a pledged 700.
So too soon to start a pool on how many of those 126 drivers will end up getting Darwin awards?

The FBI has released pictures of the two men who allegedly stole a suitcase in NY last Saturday night, dumping and disabling the bomb in side. The bureau says they want to talk to them. Maybe the guys could help start a new division for Homeland Security “Hertz Rent-A-Thief?”

Imagine @RealDonaldTrump’s response if #DonKing was supporting and had introduced @HillaryClinton

So if we’re worried about dangerous Skittles can we start a petition to take the orange ones out?

Former Trump campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, who was fired in June, now works for CNN as an on-air political contributor. But Trump paid him $20,000 in both July and August. A Trump spokeswoman called “monthly severance” and in no way a conflict of interest.
And I am sure the Donald would be just as understanding if Hillary were paying a former staff now working for the national media.

So Jimmy Fallon may have rolled over for the Donald. But kudos to Seth Meyers: “You don’t get to peddle racist rhetoric for five years and decide when it’s over. The bottom line is this, Trump built his career on a racist lie because he’s a racist and a liar, and instead of denouncing that lie, the GOP doubled down on it completely.”

From T.C. “Colin Kaepernick says he is protesting for all the black people that are subjected to oppression and abuse on a weekly basis. What about all the white people who have 49ers seasons tickets?”