Archive for the ‘political jokes’ category

Are we heading for a stupor bowl?

January 22, 2017

Maybe Falcons ought to pay attention to things at Levi’s Stadium w/ 49ers & reconsider tearing down Georgia Dome. #curseofCandlestick

Atlanta goes through stadiums like Donald Trump goes through wives.

Sean Spicer & Donald Trump getting ready to welcome Jerry Jones & 2017 Super Bowl Champions Dallas Cowboys to White House #alternativefacts

Look forward to seeing #SFGiants raise latest World Series banner after bullpen performed magnificently in 2016 playoffs. #alternativefacts

 

#Colts have fired GM Ryan Grigson after 2 consecutive 8-8 seasons. #49ers fans wonder if Grigson was fired for over-achieving.

#SteveKerr learned a lot from Pop: “Sean Spicer will be talking about my Magic career. 14,000 points, greatest player in Magic history.’

Lebron posts video comparing Trump to Batman villain. Popovich & Kerr also rip President. Guessing @NBA champions White House visit has been canceled for 2017.

 

Roger Goodell going to try to hire Sean Spicer to explain how these 10 NFL 2017 playoff games so far have been most exciting & competitive ever.

A man was arrested for allegedly pulling a fire alarm in the Pittsburgh Steelers’ hotel early this morning. Wonder if he used to be a Patriots ball boy?

Wonder what the GOP reaction to #WomensMarch would have been if even 10% of those angry women were armed?

Waiting for first student to challenge a failing grade on a test by saying, I wasn’t wrong, I just presented #alternativefacts

Wanna get away? At approximately 8:00 PM ET on Sunday, January 21, United Airlines announced a ground stop for all domestic flights due to an IT issue. #IblameTrump

So which would be a better name for a band? #Alternativefacts or #PunchingNazis?

Kellyanne Conway just said flat out Donald Trump is “not going to release his tax returns.” So congrats to those who had Jan 22 in the pool.

from Ben “Mr. Trump said that though he had been “hit by a couple of drops” of rain as he began his address on Inauguration Day, the sky soon cleared. “And the truth is, it stopped immediately, and then became sunny,” he said. “And I walked off, and it poured after I left. It poured.”AND THEN……..he accused the press of missing the most important part – when he walked on water!

 

Beyond the #Alternativefacts  hashtag:   Chuck Todd on “Meet the Press,” asked Kellyanne Conway why Spicer called the inaugural crowd “the largest in history”, and asked “why this ridiculous litigation of crowd size?”
She responded “Your job is not to call things ridiculous that are said by our press secretary and our president. That’s not your job.” And then.. “That’s why we feel compelled to go out and clear the air and put alternative facts out there.”

WikiLeaks is not happy. “Trump’s breach of promise over the release of his tax returns is even more gratuitous than Clinton concealing her Goldman Sachs transcripts.”
Gosh, if only they knew some hackers.

Presidential tweeting Sunday morning. “Watched protests yesterday but was under the impression that we just had an election! Why didn’t these people vote? Celebs hurt cause badly.”
-Then an hour later. “Peaceful protests are a hallmark of our democracy. Even if I don’t always agree, I recognize the rights of people to express their views.”
Hmm, did someone on the White House staff “borrow” Trump’s phone while he was in the shower.

Voting and other consequences

January 19, 2017

Russell Westbrook left off as a starter for the NBA All-Star team?!. Ah for the days when inexplicable voting by Americans just impacted meaningless exhibition games.

Stanford has 11 players on rosters of the four teams left alive in this weekend’s NFL championship games.  The next closest school, Alabama, has 7.  #nerdnation

Trump has appointed Woody Johnson as his ambassador to Great Britain. So Johnson will do for America’s reputation in England what he’s done for the Jets?

Trump talking about huge crowds for inaugural concert .  Based on actual numbers even the Montreal Expos are giggling.

El Chapo has been extradited over to US. So will Trump name him Drug Czar?

 

Now GOP has set precedent hope Senate Dems feel justified not voting on any potential Supreme Court nominee. Only 1383 days to next election.

Trump doesn’t like PC, wonder why he didn’t ask the Stanford band to perform at inaugural – they could have played Yellow River.

So when Trump takes oath of office will he be saying “So help me, me.”?

Spokesman Sean Spicer says Trump’s incoming cabinet will have diversity. Yes, rich and richer.

Rumors are that Trump plans to privatize the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. So will PBS be replaced by “Trump TV?”

Rick Perry “After being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.”
Because, hey, don’t we all want to close things down when we have no idea what they do?

Donald and Melania Trump arrived at their inaugural concert to the music of the Rolling Stones’ “Heart of Stone.” #Truthinadvertising

Treasury secretary nominee Steven Mnuchin admitted in confirmation hearing today while he headed OneWest Bank, he now regrets kicking some people out of their homes. And one of the “”most troubling” of the foreclosures “was actually to the Octomom.”
At the Onion they are going, “that’s it, we quit. Can’t compete.”

Trump in a speech tonight, “Next time, four years from now, next time we’re going to win the old fashioned way.” As in without Russian help or by getting the most votes?

Nancy Sinatra, when asked how she felt about Trump using “My Way” for the first dance at his inaugural, responded, “Just remember the first line.” Three words “You go girl.”

(And now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain…..)

Bash brother.

January 18, 2017

Jose Canseco, voice of reason ““It’s a great day for the hypocrisy of the #HallOfFame voting induct all that used Peds or induct none.”

With steroid era revisited Pudge Rodriguez follows Bud Selig into Hall of Fame, Bonds still excluded. WTF?  Can we blame Russian hackers?

Patriots fans on social media think the commissioner is ducking the Sunday game in Foxboro, And radio station WEEI says “not attending AFC championship may be Roger Goodell’s most embarrassing moment yet.
With all due respect, not attending the game probablyisn’t even going to be Goodell’s most embarrassing moment this week.

 

Yeah, we’re all special snowflakes out in California but did we have to go straight from a drought into becoming a soggier version of Seattle?

Last words from #ObamaPressconference were “Good Luck.” Wonder how tempted he was to add “You’re going to need it.”?

 

If #ChelseaManning said she was only leaking all that classified information on behalf of Russia would GOP be okay with her pardon?

Vladimir Putin defended Donald Trump against allegations he used Russian prostitutes, but added that “ours are the best in the world.” Okay, I’m appalled. Where’s the defense of American worker superiority from Trump on this one?

Despite rumors of him choosing a Latino, Trump has apparently picked ex-Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue, 70, as Secretary of Agriculture. Because the President Elect just doesn’t have enough old white men in his cabinet.

#Livefromthe2017Inauguration only REALLY becomes a trending hashtag if we survive through day Trump first gets nuclear codes.

Martin Shkreli, downplaying Twitter suspension ““Twitter is actually pretty obsolete.” Ooh, potential Shkreli Trump war. #Passthelargepopcorn

TMZ reports Michael Flatley is going to dance at one of Trump’s inaugural balls. All together now – “Who?”

Julian Assange had promised to to “agree to US extradition” if “Obama grants Manning clemency.” Now his lawyer says “Mr. Assange welcomes the announcement that Ms. Manning’s sentence will be reduced and she will be released in May, but this is well short of what he sought. Mr. Assange had called for Chelsea Manning to receive clemency and be released immediately.”
As Maya Angelou said “when someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time.” #snake

Remember those innocent days when we thought worst that could happen Friday was putting another Bush in the White House? #Inauguration

Some discussion and worry about what kind of redecorating Trump might do inside the White House. But he will probably be more focused on putting up neon “T.R.U.M.P” letters outside.

It’s not easy being (neon) green.

December 15, 2016

Turned on Thursday Night Football tonight and was having a Spencer Gifts 1970’s black light poster flashback.

Even Oregon Ducks are looking at these Seahawks uniforms tonight and thinking “WTF?”

 

 

LA Rams punter Johnny Hekker tweeted “Almost got denied my morning coffee by the woman working at the cafe because of my rams sweatshirt…loving the hate.”
Actually, that’s surprising. You’d think in Seattle, and every other NFL city these days, they’d be delighted to see the Rams. #EasyW

Cal announced they are firing their football defensive coordinator after the Bears allowed an average of 42.6 points per game, 127th out of 128 FBS teams
This move shocks many fans who didn’t realize Cal HAD an defensive coordinator.

Temperatures at Soldier Field for the Green Bay-Chicago game this Sunday are expected to be at or near 0 degrees Fahrenheit at kickoff.
Or as Packers fans and players say “positively balmy.”

After 1-3 inches of snow fell in Portland yesterday, cars have been abandoned all over the city. In Minneapolis and Chicago people are just giggling.

A Hawaii bank is absorbing a big loss after a $1 million check from the Hawaii Visitors and Convention Bureau, mailed to New York to pay for an ad campaign, was stolen and cashed in Arizona.
Okay, just one question, who the heck cashes a $1 million check without LOTS of identification? #cantfixstupid

 

Figured Vanity Fair must have really slammed Trump’s policies or appointments to get that his latest angry tweet trashing the magazine.. Wrong, all  they did give a scathing review to his restaurant in Trump Tower. calling it the “Worst Restaurant in America.” #whythereisnosatire

 

So all the @nytimes needs for a rapprochement with Trump is to give #TrumpGrill a glowing restaurant review?

Tiffany Trump is reportedly going to attend Harvard Law School. Feel just a bit sorry for her as some pretty high percentage of her classmates probably have ambitions to sue her father.

Donald Trump met with executives from many Silicon Valley companies Wednesday but didn’t include Twitter because the company is “too small.”
I get Trump’s ego, but was it really a good idea to pick a fight with the company who really can “delete your account?”

 

While we agonize over the November election down here in the U.S., up in Canada they have problems too: there’s a big political fight over whether the Super Bowl has to be shown with the much-hyped U.S. ads, or whether Canadian advertisers can replace them with less flashy local ads. No joke. #nojoke #kindlergentlerfirstworldproblems

 

And finally, RIP Craig Sager, one of the real good guys in this world.   Gregg Popovich’s pre-game comments below, in their entirety:

“I guess on a day like this, basketball has to take a back seat as we all think about somebody who was very unique, very special Whether you really knew Craig (Sager) or not, you got the feeling that he was a special person in a lot of different ways. And right now I just feel for his family.

“To talk about him being a professional or good at what he did is a tremendous understatement. All of us who knew him understood that fact, what he was all about as far as work was concerned, but he was a way better person than he was a worker, even though he was amazing in that regard. He loved people, he enjoyed pregame, during games, postgame — he loved all the people around it, and everybody felt that.

“The most amazing part of him is his courage. What he’s endured, and the fight that he’s put up, the courage that he’s displayed during this situation is beyond my comprehension. And if any of us can display half the courage he has to stay on this planet, to live every (day) as if it’s his last, we’d be well off. We all miss him very much.”

 

 

 

Not exactly bowled over

December 5, 2016

So despite a #18 ranking, Stanford was passed over by the Holiday Bowl in San Diego and the Foster Farms Bowl in Santa Clara because bowl organizers didn’t think fans of the school would travel. And just guessing, a matchup with North Carolina in El Paso on Dec. 30 isn’t going to change that image.

 

 

A note about the Sun Bowl. Stanford opponent North Carolina ranks 100 out of 128 FBS teams in allowing rushing yards per game. Over 223 yards per game. Just for comparison, Iowa, the Cardinal’s 2015 Rose Bowl opponent had allowed 128 per game in 2015.
#runChristianrun

Meanwhile, Cal isn’t going to a bowl game, not because of their 5-7 record, but because their “APR” (Academic Progress Report” wasn’t high enough this year. What a disappointment for all those young men who just missed a .500 record.

Meanwhile the Cotton Bowl will be played at AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys, which seats  100,000. And their New Year’s day game features Wisconsin and,,, Western Michigan? Well, 100,000 might also be the number of television viewers.

So the #CFPlayoff is set with supposed top 4 college teams in US and Cleveland Browns are ignored again. #outrage

 

If you want to sum up the SF 49ers’ season in one incident how’s this? Dontae Johnson made a snow angel in the end zone to celebrate a blocked punt for a TD. Not only was he given a 15 yard penalty for “excessive celebration,” but he was ruled out of bounds at the 4 yard line.

 

#SF49ers had 6 net passing yards today;Gabbert & Kaepernick sacked 6 times. Real question. How did this team EVER beat the #Rams?

 

Well, probably too soon to say the @NBA MVP race is over. But Russell Westbrook has 10 triple-doubles this season; rest of the NBA has 11.

Colin Kaepernick apparently has decided to become a free agent after the season. Wow. He should be about as sought after as SF 49ers season tickets.

Top executives are leaving Sears, and there are rumors the company may go bankrupt Sad. Not that I’ve been in one of their stores in probably two decades, but who else besides me once thought the Christmas season really started when the Sears catalog showed up?

Credit Trump for saving another American job for four years. That job is Alec Baldwin’s.

So @realDonaldTrump does know every time he tweets against @snl millions of Americans tune in to see what he was complaining about? #ratings

Serious open hints to @realDonaldTrump. If you think @SNL & #AlecBaldwin are that lousy, don’t watch. And get some sleep, you’ll need it.

Trump is saying firms who outsource or move factories outside America will get a massive tax hike, while there will be benefits for those who stay or return. Does that mean a bonus for Ivanka if she moves production of her clothing line from China to the US?

 

Apparently Donald Trump is still looking for a qualified Secretary of State. Well, Hillary  Clinton is available

From T.C. “Carolina’s QB Cam Newton was benched for their 1st series tonight vs Seattle because he violated club dress code rules by not wearing a tie. Ex NFL QB Donovan McNabb said, “What? Ties are involved in NFL games!”

Worst and worstest?

November 21, 2016

The NFL played a game tonight in Mexico City. And Mexico is thinking “Wait, Trump is accusing US of sending criminals across the border?”

 

SF 49ers coach Chip Kelly, asked if he received any assurance from Jed York on his job next year. “No, we haven’t had any conversations about that at all. About anybody’s job security.”
Of course, in Kelly’s favor, who else might want to take on this mess?

U.S. Soccer just fired national team manager Jurgen Klinsmann. So congrats to all those who had Nov. 21 in the pool.

The Washington Redskins keep on winning. I blame Obama.

But is it just me or does the @NFL have a LOT of lousy football teams?

 

At Chicago’s O’Hare airport, hundreds of workers have announced a strike for Nov 29. They are waiting until Tuesday theoretically to miss the holiday weekend.
But okay, two days after Thanksgiving weekend? Should be lots of people still stuck at O’Hare.

LB Jerrell Freeman today became the second Chicago player suspended in a week for violating the NFL’s policy on PEDs.
The Bears are 2-8. Maybe this should be a warning to others, not only will PEDs get you suspended, they apparently don’t work.

 

Though easy material keeps on coming, I was really looking forward to tough task post-election of writing pantsuits jokes.

Imagine if Michelle Obama decided to stay in Chicago not to move girls from school in 2009. Would have been uproar on wasting taxpayer $$$.

So just guessing Green Day is not performing at Trump’s inaugural.

Mark the date, November 20, 2016.  Donald Trump tweeted  “I have always had a good relationship with Chuck Schumer. He is far smarter than Harry R and has the ability to get things done. Good news!”

So shall we start a pool on the date Trump decides Schumer is an idiot and/or crooked?

If Donald Trump really wants to keep illegal immigrants from getting jobs he doesn’t need a wall; just make it felony resulting in jail-time to hire them.

From Bill Littlejohn:  ““President Obama inviting the Chicago Cubs to the White House before he leaves office reminds one of a similar situation the last time the Cubs won the World Series, Pharaoh invited the Cubs for a visit just before the Ten Plagues of Egypt.”

Drained?

November 11, 2016

So about when will Donald Trump realize that it is now HIS alligators and his swamp?

Have to think George W. Bush is smiling just a bit. Decent chance many will no longer think he’s worst US President In recent memory

 

Melania Trump and Michelle Obama apparently had a nice meeting in the White House today. Assume Melania asked Michelle for names of her favorite florist, chef, restaurants, speechwriter….

If #Trump is really going to start deporting immigrants how will Melania get her nails done?

Well, at least Thursday night Americans could take a break & have the biggest thing that sucks on TV be the #Browns. #CLEvsBAL

And early in the game, the Browns were actually ahead.  Until they reverted to form.  There alas went the 49ers best chance at a #1 draft pick.

NY Giants WR Victor Cruz, asked about Donald Trump post-election “My mom told me one time that if I don’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. So I’m gonna stick to that one.”
#notsodumbjock

Alabama football coach Nick Saban claimed today he had no idea there was a Presidential election Tuesday. “We’re focused on other things here”. Sigh. Pretty sure those other things don’t include education.

Your non-election Florida item for the afternoon: According to police affidavits, FIU senior TE Jonnu Smith’s girlfriend was upset about him not paying enough attention to her, so she poured boiling water on him. Smith is now out for the season with multiple burns. Oh, and she’s pregnant with their child. And you thought YOUR parents were embarrassing.

Rudy Giuliani on plans to “lock her up” with Hillary Clinton “I think that somebody should review that very carefully, as to how bad is that evidence. And if it isn’t as bad as some of the exaggerators think it is, then maybe the best thing to do is forget about it and move on.”
“Some of the exaggerators?” And Rudy said it with a straight face.

The Obamacare federal exchange had more than 100,000 signups yesterday, their largest day of the year. Lovely, so the threat of fines doesn’t spur people to action, but the threat of a Trump presidency does.

Waiting to see Trump announce simple new health plan that is much cheaper than Obamacare – “You get well without a doctor or you die”

So far Donald Trump’s transition team is heavy on Heritage Foundation types, K street lobbyists and GOP insiders. So was “drain the swamp” simply to get easier access to some of the bottom feeders there?

Going to be interesting to see if Donald Trump has any women in his administration. One problem, leaving misogyny aside, is any woman attractive enough to be “his first choice” might well not want to get within groping distance.

Wondering with all these ambitious legislative plans if #GOP has forgotten about that little 60 vote rule in Senate they loved so much.

Someone gave the Donald his Twitter account back    “Just had a very open and successful presidential election. Now professional protesters, incited by the media, are protesting. Very unfair!”

Such a gracious winner.

Apparently some anti-Trump protests are blocking traffic in the SF Bay Area. (Interstate 80). While I’m as upset about this election as anyone, making people late for work, childcare pickup, etc, etc, is a really good way to turn off anyone even a little bit moderate.

 

 

Many of these Trump protesters are young, some too young to vote. (Although I sure hope those who could, did.) But thinking about it, I can understand how this election hit the younger generation especially hard.
They have grown up with concepts we middle-aged and old farts never did: global warming, the idea of racial equality, anti-bullying and sexual assault messages, openly LGBT friends, taco trucks on the corner…. And with a soft-spoken African-American president.
It’s not just that we’ve elected a Republican, it’s that we’ve elected a man who at times has gone against all these people and things, and more. That is very very scary.