Posted tagged ‘Trump jokes’

Distractions.

February 17, 2017

Pittsburgh police are allegedly considering multiple felony charges against Jets CB Darrelle Revis for his role in a “street altercation early Monday morning.”
Is this a shameless attempt to get the Knicks out of the NY headlines?

Barry Zito’s first album has now made the Billboard Country Music chart, debuting at #39.  39. What are the odds?  The same number as the speed of Zito’s number.

Any chance we can take a page from the @NBA and start instituting technical fouls for Presidents?

 

Tonight at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport a Frontier Airlines and Southwest flight clipped wings. No injuries, although both planes were evacuated. But presumably Southwest requested the video for a “wanna get away” commercial.

Delta is planning to add free meals back to long-haul flights within the US in coach class. Of course, any $20 or so increase in domestic fares would be purely a coincidence.

The #Thimble token has been voted out of the Monopoly game. And millennials are going “What’s a Thimble?”

The FBI arrested a avowed South Carolina white supremacist who was trying to buy a gun from an undercover agent. The man said he wanted to carry out an attack “in the spirit of Dylan Roof.”
But hey, he’s white. So no terrorism problem. Move along, nothing to see here.

As #Trump finds new media targets. remember old saying “If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore them, if 10 call you an ass, buy a saddle.”

Trump says his administration is running “like a fine-tuned machine.” Uh, more like a Rube Goldberg machine . #TrumpNewsConference

So was goal of #TrumpNewsConference to make @SNL give up because they can’t come up with satire stranger than reality?

#TrumpPressConference on Melania “She gets so unfairly maligned…” Guessing he hasn’t seen #FreeMelania movement?

Trump – “We’re gonna find the leakers. They’re going to pay a big price for leaking.” But the stuff they were leaking, on Russia, etc – Move along, nothing to see here.

Ret Vice Adm Bob Harward turned down Trump offer for National Security Advisor. CNN says he told friend it was “a “s*** sandwich,” #myhero

 

JudicialWatch estimated Obama’s travel expenses totaled $97 mill in 2 terms. Taking April 1 in pool for date Trump eclipses that.

A just released nearly 400 page FBI file details an investigation on Trump and his father Fred allegedly “not wanting to rent to blacks” in the 1970s. So this couldn’t have been announced in October along with Weiner’s emails?

 

April Ryan, a longtime White House reporter and Washington bureau chief for American Urban Radio Networks, is African American. She asked Trump today if he planned to include the CBC (Congressional Black Caucus) “in your conversations with your urban agenda, your inner-city agenda.”
He responded by asking if they were “friends of yours,” &, “I tell you what, do you want to set up the meeting?”

So if John Boehner was still around would Trump ask him to set up a meeting with the Orange Caucus? #TrumpPressConference

 

Changing seasons.

February 6, 2017

Another reason baseball is the best sport. When the World Series game 7 was tied after regulation, both teams got a turn to bat.

 

SF 49ers fans should relax w/ Kyle Shanahan. Not like the 2017 team is going to have many 25 point leads to blow.

 

Clydesdales were originally bred in Scotland. Maybe that’s why there was no “aww” story this year. Budweiser was afraid they’d be accused of taking jobs away from real American horses.

Wonder how many craft-beer liberals are buying Budweiser & Bud Light for the first time ever this week? #boycottbudweiser

Tom Brady still can’t find his Super Bowl jersey. Anyone asked Putin?

 

Now the lieutenant governor of Texas has asked the Texas Rangers to join in Houston PD to help find Tom Brady’s missing Super Bowl jersey. How long until this gets blamed on a member of the liberal media?

If  Tom Brady really is GOAT can we give an assist to Pete Carroll and Kyle Shanahan’s 4th quarter Super Bowl play calling?

On a brighter note, some children in Africa this am can trade in their  Indians World Champions shirts for some shiny new Falcons ones.

MLB is proposing to raise lower part of strike zone to the top of the hitter’s knees, from its current “the hollow beneath the kneecap.” Pitchers are thinking fine, if they actually start calling strikes above the waist.

 

We learned one thing this weekend. Sean Spicer can take a joke a lot better than his boss.

George H.W. Bush got a standing ovation today before #SuperBowl. But heck, compared to the current White House occupant, George W. would get a standing ovation.

A Jacksonville woman is being sought by police for performing oral sex on a man and posting it to social media. The alleged act took place at the county courthouse. Back on your game, Florida.

 

Americans have to be wishing  Trump was half as  focused on Serious issues facing this country as he is on the NY Times.

In a 2004 book called “The Librarian,” by Larry Beinhart, author of “Wag the Dog,” there’s a right-wing conspiracy backing an ineffectual president. They try to create a terrorist act to keep him in power for a 2nd term. Scary book. Glad it’s only fiction….

Rep. Matt Gaetz from Ft. Walton Beach, introduced a bill to dissolve the EPA. I trust Gaetz also feels it would be a waste of money for the Feds to spend any money the next time Florida has any oil spills or other environmental disasters.

Obama – Christians did bad things “in the name of Christ.” GOP outrage. Trump-“You think our country’s so innocent.” GOP crickets #WTF?.

Trump terrorism speech “All over Europe it’s happening. It’s gotten to point where it’s not even being reported. Like #BowlingGreenMassacre?

Some of this stuff you just can’t make up. Melania Trump has a lawsuit against the UK Daily Mail for libel, and the paper has published a retraction of rumors that she worked as an escort. Okay, so far so good, and it’s understandable the First Lady would be upset.

BUT, her lawyer claims “plaintiff had the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person … to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multi-million dollar business relationships for a multi-year term during which plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world.”

Degrees

January 30, 2017

That moment when you turn on sports talk radio for comparatively calm and reasonable conversation. #trumpweek1

 

OKC’s Enes Kanter says he apologized to his teammates after breaking his arm by punching a chair during a game with Dallas last week. But did he apologize to the chair?

On a lighter note, because we need some of those these days, Serena Williams is a damn good tennis player.

 

On another lighter note, who did the Clippers think they are tonight, the Lakers?

 

And he’s adorable too. So jealous.

 

Nikki Haley, saying that at the UN, we will “show our strength, show our voice, have the backs of our allies and make sure that our allies have our back as well, For those that don’t have our back, we’re taking names…”
Of course, the way things are going, the US could have a lot fewer allies to worry about.

Yeah, there are some truly terrifying men in the world today. How long until some country decides to put in an American ban?   Or specifically orange Americans?

Dr Gholam A. Peyman, born in Iran, US resident since 1970s, invented LASIK. Can we ban Trump supporters from having the surgery? #Muslimban

A Thailand court sentenced man to 11 yrs in prison for posting material online judged “insulting” to monarchy. Scary. Hope Trump didn’t see it.

Iran’s Asghar Farhadi is nominated for best foreign film, now may not be able to attend Oscars until he gets some sort of a waiver, fast.  Can Meryl Streep accept for him, with speech time?

Trump has given Steve Bannon of Breitbart News a seat on the National Security Council. I’m ready for Bobby to come out of the shower now.

Federal Judge Ann Donnelly temporarily blocked President Trump’s Executive Order on refugees with an emergency ruling that applies to detainees already in the United States, or those mid-flight. She said that sending the refugees home now could cause them “irreparable harm.”
Standby for Trump’s tweet calling for removing Donnelly from the bench in 3.2.1….

Just wondering, what happens with flight attendants from the 7 banned countries? #malicewithoutaforethought

 

A rare serious thought  for a change. Ok, I understand that there are threats that many US civilians don’t understand and so there may be more reasons we don’t know behind Trump’s executive order about citizens of some Muslim countries.
On the other hand, when we live in difficult and nuanced times, what stands out to me is that this EO was dashed off with all the calm reasoned well-thought-out logic of a 3 am Twitter post.

 

 

 

 

 

Could be greater?

January 25, 2017

Lebron James is not happy with the Cavs. “We’re not better than last year, from a personnel standpoint.” And last year Cleveland was so heartbreaking close….

Following on our President’s lead the Chicago Cubs have asked for investigation to prove they also won 2016 World Series games 1, 3 & 4.

 

Tostitos has come up with “alcohol sensor bags.” While the bag won’t be sold to the public at least this year, they will light up green if you breathe on them and the sensor doesn’t detect alcohol. If it detects alcohol the bag will flash red with a “don’t drink and drive” message.
Cool idea, but if you’ve got to go looking for a Tostitos bag to decide if you’ve had too much to drink, you’re probably drunk.

(and if you finish the bag, alcohol might not be why  you’re impaired.)

The San Diego bowl group announced they are terminating Poinsettia Bowl to focus on the Holiday Bowl. Hope this doesn’t bring colossal disappointment to some .500 team this year who will just miss the postseason.

#BrentMusberger is retiring. Any way we can convince Brent to take Joe Buck with him?

Sad.  Mary Tyler Moore, 80, has passed away.   In her honor, all women should embrace their inner spunk.  – “You’ve got spunk. I hate spunk.”

In practice for Sunday’s Pro Bowl in Orlando Ravens kicker Justin Tucker hit a 75-yard field goal. Stay tuned for Sean Spicer to say tomorrow how President Trump made an 80-yard one in college intramurals.

 

White House plans to take action to address governmental “inappropriate” social media use. Psst. Look in the Oval Office

Trump vows no federal aid for sanctuary cities like NY & San Francisco. Does that mean we can stop paying federal taxes too?

GOP Rep. Lamar Smith. “Better to get your news directly from the President. In fact,it might be the only way to get the unvarnished truth.”  #whythereisnosatire

And here we go….President Donald Trump tweeted early today that he is ordering a “major investigation” into voter fraud. Like his major investigation into Obama’s birth certificate?

This makes sense: U.S. intelligence says evidence of Russia hacking our election, so Trump going to investigate voters in blue states. #WTF?

So can some journalist who wants to be next Woodward/Bernstein please find some evidence of illegal GOP voters?

 

Trump on his CIA speech: “I got a standing ovation. In fact, they said it was the biggest standing ovation since Peyton Manning had won the Super Bowl and they said it was equal.”
Guess the President doesn’t remember in 2016 Denver won the Super Bowl in SPITE of Peyton Manning.

 

So now torture is a good thing. I forgot, what position did @realDonaldTrump appoint Jack Bauer to?

 

 

From T.C.  So I went to see the movie “Patriots Day” and discovered that it had nothing to do with football, Brady or Coach Belichick. Next on the agenda is to watch record 14 Oscars nominations film “La La Land”. This movie is about the state of Donald Trump’s brain, right?

Now that the Women’s March is over, what’s next? Well, for starters hope everyone involved is registered to vote and plans to exercise that right. Beyond voting, it’s not too soon to start paying attention to candidates for the future. And while congressional and most state elections aren’t until 2018, there are many municipal and local elections in 2017, which matter too, a lot. City councils and school boards not only set local policy, but also they can be stepping stones for higher office.
In addition, contact your state and local elected officials when you feel strongly about something, They do keep track of numbers.
But short version, get involved and stay involved. The country you save may be your own.
And now back to your regularly scheduled snark.

One America?

January 21, 2017

Not that America ever could unite easily on anything. But for a suggestion, could I suggest that after Trump’s inaugural that pitchers and catchers report early?

But yes, it won’t be TOO long until the jokes about rich white privilege can at least temporarily be focused on the Yankees.

I’m all for protests against our new @POTUS . But will these protesters remember to make as much of an effort for the 2020 election?

Obama’s last phone call as President was apparently to thank Angela Merkel,. Yes, Germany is last bastion of liberalism #whythereisnosatire

On a brighter note for moderates and liberals, Trump now has his own @realDonaldTrump AND @Potus twitter accounts. Maybe it will keep him busy enough to limit the damage?

 

 

So how many people woke up this morning with the hope of hearing at 12noon. “I was just kidding.”

 

Some complain that Trump’s speech was reminiscent of Batman villain Bane. How silly, it was much more Darth Vader.

It was a great Inauguration speech for all those who hate waiting between Olympics for all those USA USA USA!! chants.

 

“We are going to be protected by God”. Uh, if God was protecting us Trump probably wouldn’t be making this speech.

“For too long a small group of people in Washington have reaped the rewards”. But now I’m going to make sure my rich friends get their share

“Righteous people”. Code for “white men”.

Hate idea of #PresidentTrump as much as anyone. But anyone idiotic enough to protest by destroying property is playing into his rhetoric.

 

#AmericaFirst would be lot more believable if it not spouted from lips of man whose 2 out of 3 wives have been immigrants. #Inauguration

 

Yes, he’s comedy gold, but I’d have preferred to spend day struggling to think of a good inaugural ball pantsuit joke. #Inauguration

 

And now, the end is near, and so I face the final curtain… #InauguralBall

“Identity politics” is tossed around like “snowflakes” as a derogatory term these days. But I would venture that most people who do the tossing are people who don’t feel justifiably threatened and scared by the new administration.

From Marc Ragovin :” Wonderful inaugural speech by Trump. I hear the Russian judge gave it an 11.”

Voting and other consequences

January 19, 2017

Russell Westbrook left off as a starter for the NBA All-Star team?!. Ah for the days when inexplicable voting by Americans just impacted meaningless exhibition games.

Stanford has 11 players on rosters of the four teams left alive in this weekend’s NFL championship games.  The next closest school, Alabama, has 7.  #nerdnation

Trump has appointed Woody Johnson as his ambassador to Great Britain. So Johnson will do for America’s reputation in England what he’s done for the Jets?

Trump talking about huge crowds for inaugural concert .  Based on actual numbers even the Montreal Expos are giggling.

El Chapo has been extradited over to US. So will Trump name him Drug Czar?

 

Now GOP has set precedent hope Senate Dems feel justified not voting on any potential Supreme Court nominee. Only 1383 days to next election.

Trump doesn’t like PC, wonder why he didn’t ask the Stanford band to perform at inaugural – they could have played Yellow River.

So when Trump takes oath of office will he be saying “So help me, me.”?

Spokesman Sean Spicer says Trump’s incoming cabinet will have diversity. Yes, rich and richer.

Rumors are that Trump plans to privatize the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. So will PBS be replaced by “Trump TV?”

Rick Perry “After being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.”
Because, hey, don’t we all want to close things down when we have no idea what they do?

Donald and Melania Trump arrived at their inaugural concert to the music of the Rolling Stones’ “Heart of Stone.” #Truthinadvertising

Treasury secretary nominee Steven Mnuchin admitted in confirmation hearing today while he headed OneWest Bank, he now regrets kicking some people out of their homes. And one of the “”most troubling” of the foreclosures “was actually to the Octomom.”
At the Onion they are going, “that’s it, we quit. Can’t compete.”

Trump in a speech tonight, “Next time, four years from now, next time we’re going to win the old fashioned way.” As in without Russian help or by getting the most votes?

Nancy Sinatra, when asked how she felt about Trump using “My Way” for the first dance at his inaugural, responded, “Just remember the first line.” Three words “You go girl.”

(And now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain…..)

And then there was #1

January 9, 2017

Only bad thing about Clemson’s amazing win is that somewhere Lane Kiffin is smirking.

At the end, only thing that could have saved #Alabama & #NickSaban was the #Stanford band. #NationalChampionship

The National Championship was close to 4 hours long with over  4 minutes left in 4th. Even Yankees and Red Sox were saying “guys, speed it up already.”

Steelers assistant coach Joey Porter was arrested last night outside a Pittsburgh bar after allegedly assaulting the doorman. Porter is charged with aggravated assault, simple assault, resisting arrest, public drunkenness and disorderly conduct.
Wow.. Imagine what might have happened if Pittsburgh actually lost.

On a brighter note for the #Raiders, their 13 point loss to the #Texans was the closest game of Wild Card weekend. @espn

 

Tom Brady about the upcoming game with the Texans “There is nothing easy about this game for our offense.” He had the grace not to add “our defense, however, is salivating.”

Early this morning @realDonaldTrump called #MerylStreep “over-rated.” So congratulations to all those who had “about 8 hours” in the pool.

So if any country wants to launch attack on USA during Trump’s presidency, guess they just need the distraction of a celebrity insulting him.

Marissa Mayer apparently will resign from Yahoo when the sale to Verizon is finalized. Will Mayer then run for office in California touting her business experience?

John Kerry issued a formal State Department apology today for “decades of discrimination against LGBT employees and job applicants.”
Waiting for the House GOP rebuttal.

Donald Trump has fired Charlie Brotman, 88, the Inaugural parade announcer for every President back to Eisenhower in 1957, and replaced him with a 58-year-old volunteer.
Anyone known one of those male cats who gets introduced to a new home and has to urinate in EVERY single corner to mark his territory?

Trump hurting a lot of feelings w/ his inaugural parade. He fires 88-year-old announcer, then tells Chris Christie he can’t be a float.

Trump’s now to officially name son-in-law Jared Kushner as a senior White House advisor per @NBCNews “#IfthePresidentdoesititisnotillegal

An Emirates Air flight from from Muscat, Oman to Dubai was cancelled yesterday after baggage handlers found a loose snake on board. Wonder how they decided the snake was loose – if it was female maybe it wasn’t wearing a hijab?.

Trump met today with the chair of Alibaba. The Chinese company was placed back last month on a list of counterfeit marketplaces by the United States Trade Representative over selling fake and pirated goods. But maybe Trump isn’t worried, figuring no one would want to make knock-off Trump branded merchandise.

 

Monica Crowley, Trump’s choice for director of communications for the National Security Council, was recently accused of many instances of plagiarism in her 2012 book, and in a 1999 Wall Street Journal article. Now Politico says they have found several more instances of plagiarism in her dissertation.
Maybe Crowley doesn’t want to the NSC job, but rather to be Melania’s speechwriter.

Kellyanne Conway complained today about Democrats calling for an independent bipartisan commission to investigate election allegations about Russa. “It’s curious and a little bit humorous that Democrats would talk about anything bipartisan … given how they have vowed to obstruct everything we do.”
Just wondering, where was Kellyanne’s outrage when Mitch McConnell in January 2009 vowed to make Obama a one-term president?

The convicted Charleston mass murderer (yes, I am deliberately not using his name), asked the judge in his death penalty trial not to allow the prosecution to use words like “evil.”
Uh, actually while the word is overused, seems like this is one of those times “evil” is completely appropriate.