Posted tagged ‘Trump jokes’

Punishments and maybe crimes.

August 23, 2019

 

New England safety Patrick Chung reported has been arrested and will be charged with of cocaine possession, This being the Patriots, let’s see how NFL makes sure any jail time or suspension is scheduled for after 2020 Super Bowl.

 

Baltimore Orioles pitchers gave up 259th home run of 2019, now breaking single-season record set by 2016 Reds.
With over a month left in season 300 is CLEARLY in sight.
Just imagine if the team played at Great American Ballpark or Coors?

Wait, now Starbucks announced that Pumpkin Spice Latte is returning Aug. 27. Along with Christmas decorations? WTF?

QANTAS plans to start a New York to Sydney flight, but first they will do test flights to study what happens to health of flight crews and passengers when they spend 19 hours on a plane.
Will the tests include being in a middle seat with crying babies on both sides?

Welcome to the USA. Have a client who has been sitting on the ground at SFO on an Air Canada plane for over 90 minutes after landing waiting for a gate…
Are we great yet?

So why did Sarah Huckabee Sanders just now join Fox News? Was she waiting to see if she could beat out Sean Spicer for DWTS?

Sean Spicer heads to “Dancing With The Stars.” Meanwhile Sarah Huckabee Sanders heads to Fox News “Dancing with the Truth.”

Even “Wag the Dog” thought when the President started a fake conflict it had to be over Albania. Guess they thought no one would believe…. GREENLAND?!!

Tom Cotton, defending Trump. “pointed several times to President Harry Truman’s attempts to buy Greenland from Denmark” in 1946.
Uh, President Harry Truman also proposed a universal health care program in 1945. …

So what’s next, Trump picks a fight with England when he decides he wants Queen Elizabeth to sell him his ancestral homeland of Scotland?

 

Really really miss the days when you could get on a flight without Wi-Fi for 5 hours and not anticipating landing with the thought “WTF did POTUS do now?”

Advertisements

Outta here

August 21, 2019

Baltimore Orioles just tied record of 258 for most home runs allowed in season, set by 2016 Cincinnati Reds who play at the Little League field known as “Great American Ballpark.” Mariners, Angels, Yankees, and Phillies are all on pace to break the record too.
But no, the ball isn’t juiced.

How juiced is the 2019 MLB baseball? If Duane Kuiper were playing now he’d have hit TWO home runs.

Houston Astros were one of the largest favorites in MLB game ever when Justin Verlander took mound against the Detroit Tigers tonight.

And they lost 2-1.  They also lost in extra innings as huge favorites to the Orioles recently.. And then wonder what the odds were when Verlander started WS Game 1 in 2012 against SF Giants and Barry Zito?

Maybe the Houston should beg Vegas to make them longshots to win the World Series?

Sean Spicer on #DWTS? Because he has so much experience Dancing with the Truth?

I’m so old that I remember when Ted Cruz falsely claimed in his Presidential campaign that he “had a president in the White House who has a messiah complex.”
And now that we have one who actually DOES…..?

If Alec Baldwin on SNL as Trump described himself as “King of Israel,” many Republicans would complain the show had gone too far.
Yet Trump does it for real and GOP just shrugs.

Trump this morning referred to PM of Denmark as “nasty,” to himself as “King of Israel” and also “the chosen one.”
At this point beginning to think that anyone who doesn’t think he’s pathological is themselves pathological.

So where are all those in GOP who lost their collective sh*t over Obama’s executive orders now that Trump says he’s “very seriously” looking at trying to change the Constitution by executive order to eliminate birthright citizenship?
Asking for a country.

The man who referred to Mayor of London as a “stone cold loser,” Justin Trudeau as “dishonest and weak, and to Africa as having “shithole countries” now responds to Danish PM’s saying his proposal to buy Greenland is “absurd” by calling her “nasty.”
Are we great yet?

 

So if Governor Gavin Newsom calls Trump “absurd” does that mean that Donald will call off all future trips to California? Oh please oh please…

Two and done?

March 18, 2018

Cincinnati blew a 22 point lead to Nevada in 11 minutes. Who did they think they were? The Atlanta Falcons?

 

Bearcats fall apart, Xavier falls apart. Normally when the city of Cincinnati is this embarrassed in sports, the Bengals are involved.

God believes in Sister Jean.  (Loyola)

Syracuse just busted President Obama’s brackets by beating Michigan State. So will Trump invite them to the White House.

Donald Trump  was so cranky Sunday morning you think he’d picked Virginia to win it all.

No perfect brackets left in #Marchmadness Except @realDonaldTrump’s. He will unveil his perfect picks once tournament over.

Russia ordered expulsion of 23 British diplomats. Assume the diplomats know enough to turn down invitations for farewell tea parties.

Facebook has banned Cambridge Analytica, this right after they locked their barn door and went looking for the horses.

Trump claimed Andrew McCabe’s firing was a “great day for Democracy.” Well, it could turn out in long run to be a great day for Democrats.

So who will be first Republican to say there IS no “red line” with Trump? Points for honesty?

So if @realDonaldTrump does fire Mueller who will be the first Republican to say it’s “really troubling?”

March 17, besides being St. Patrick’s Day, was also St. Gertrude’s Day. St Gertrude is the patron saint of cats. Cats thinking, as if we need an intermediary with God…..

 

Seen on Nestlé bottled water “WARNING: Cap is a small part and poses a CHOKING HAZARD, particularly for children.”. #toomanylawyers

Lindsey Graham this am, if Donald Trump fired Robert Mueller. “As I said before, if he tried to do that, that would be the beginning of the end of his presidency.” So what would Graham do – “thoughts and prayers?”

So with all @realDonaldTrump’s love for TV personalities, Anthony Kennedy has to realize if he retires he’ll be replaced by Judge Judy.

Andrew McCabe is a Republican. #justsayin

Souped up?

March 4, 2018

Cavs’ JR Smith suspension reportedly was because he threw soup at an assistant coach. Oh, broth-er.

 

So for #Cavs future road games, can we beg the PA announcers when JR Smith is announced to play Souperman?

With the Winter Olympics over at least Americans no longer have to pretend to care about snow sports.

Arizona won the men’s basketball Pac 12 Championship today.  Over under on how long before they might have to vacate it?

Heisman winner Lamar Jackson says he only wants to be considered in the NFL as a quarterback.  Yeah, that worked out so well for Tim Tebow.

Trump at Gridiron Dinner “I like chaos. It really is good. Who’s going to be the next to leave — Steve Miller or Melania?” And some even thought Donald was joking.

 

Trump says George W. Bush’s decision to invade Iraq was the “worse decision ever made.” Some would say November 8, 2016 was the single worst decision ever made.-

Trump attacks Alec Baldwin this week on twitter. If there were only some way Baldwin could make a public on-air response.

(Wonder with Hope Hicks gone whose job it might have been to tuck Trump in before SNL?)

An anti-child marriage bill in Kentucky has stalled due to opposition from conservatives. Wonder if same in GOP would at least say married teenagers can talk about gun control?

So let’s see, this week Trump has picked fights with the EU, Mexico and Canada. Anybody left? Besides Russia?

Truth. At GOP fundraiser, Trump on Xi Jinping becoming President for Life “Maybe we’ll give that a shot some day.”
At Dem. fundraiser in his 2nd term in 2016 where attendees chanting “4 more yrs.” Obama – “No, there’s a constitution amendment. And more importantly, Michelle would kill me.”

Of course, if Trump gets his wish to have that President for Life option, wonder how many Americans would vote to bring back Obama,  Or Bill Clinton?

A question of degrees.

February 10, 2018

 

Jimmy Garoppolo, saying how happy he is to be in SF “It is 75 degrees out here, it’s not a snow storm like in Chicago. It’s a lot better here. So, I wanted to be here.”
Wonder what he’d say if he’d been traded to Green Bay?

Weather now in PyeongChang, 34 degrees.   Or as Minnesotans call that – summer.

 

The new-look Cavaliers survived the 17-39 Atlanta Hawks.  Over-under on how long it will take drama in Cleveland to resurface?

Sort of seems silly that basketball is not a Winter Olympics sport.  In the meantime, fans of amateur basketball will just have to settle for the Hawks or Mavericks.

I’m so old I can remember times on train when younger people could talk to each other without literally using #hashtag as part of a sentence.

Have to wonder, what would Trump do, if an NFL player who knelt for the National Anthem was also accused by a woman of domestic violence?

Multiple allegations of domestic abuse weren’t enough to get Porter fired from WH. But had he said something negative against Trump, Rob would have been gone in 15 minutes.

 

Right about now joining Trump White House has to have as much long-term career security as accepting an offer from Sears.

Don’t see the problem; if WH staff really wants Trumpto pay attention to intelligence briefing have it read out loud on Fox and Friends.

Since Trump says all 19 women who accused HIM were liars, we shouldn’t be surprised he’s dismissive of several women with Roy Moore & 3 with Rob Porter.

At this point as @realDonaldTrump blocks release of Democratic memo it really is the equivalent of shooting someone on 5th Ave. He doesn’t think his base will care.

 

Before Trump blocked Democratic memo, he said “It’s gonna be released soon.” Right, after he releases his tax returns.

Don’t tell the NFL…

January 25, 2018

NBA wants to be a partner in legalizing sports gambling, for a 1% cut on every bet made. Well, that ought to do wonders with those who think sport is fixed.

 

Gregg Popovich & Lebron James chatted and shared a postgame embrace after Spurs win over Cavs. No word on what they discussed but if Kawhi REALLY wants out, suppose San Antonio could do worse for a replacement.

Elton John announcing he will retire after three-year farewell tour. “Three YEAR farewell tour, you mean we could have done that” said Yankess & Derek Jeter?

Top three beers in the US are now Bud Light, Coors Light and Miller Lite. Only things getting less light are Americans.

#LarryNassar is trending. Alas, it’s not because he’s dead.

 –

president Simon will resign. At this point even Penn State is thinking it was about time.

John Kerry apparently is thinking of running again for President in 2020.   Right, because one thing the USA lacks is enough old white male candidates.

 

A day after it happened.  someone finally shamed into acknowledging yesterday’s school shooting. If killer were Muslin or immigrant he’d have been on it in 15 minutes.

Trump to unveil immigration plan on Monday. For those who don’t like it, no doubt he will disavow plan by Tuesday.

President Donald Trump says he’s “looking forward” to being interviewed by special counsel Robert Mueller.   Can we put it on pay-per-view?  Might go a way towards fixing national debt.

McConnell wants Senate to vote on a bill criminalizing abortion after 20 weeks. Good thing at least these pro-lifers are also so pro-healthcare and welfare for low-income mothers. Oh wait…. never mind.

Will we tell our children & grandkids some day “I’m so old I remember when the USA was actually respected in the world?”

As Trump jets off to Davos, wonder if Melania is googling looking for a weekend service that can change the locks.

In Kobe’s honor – don’t pass the popcorn?

December 18, 2017

While Lakers retire Kobe’s jerseys, just pointing out that he is a year YOUNGER than Manu Ginobili. Who’s still winning games for Spurs.

Kobe Bryant was a great player. Convenient timing though in today’s climate that his rape case was 14 years ago.

Now American 100 meter world champion Justin Gatlin is reportedly being investigated for alleged doping. Enough to make you long for purity of pro wrestling.

After last night’s Dallas-Oakland game can we say refs are card-carrying members of the #Cowboys fan club?

UCF’s Scott Frost wins AP Coach of the Year. Pretty amazing to have an undefeated season when much of the world didn’t even know Central Florida had a football team.

Difference between the 2017 #Browns and #RoyMoore. The Browns have at least conceded.

Six days after the election, Roy Moore has not conceded. Well, it is a pretty busy time at the mall.

ESPN President John Skipper resigns due to a self-described addiction problem. And these days people are just relieved that as far as we know he didn’t sexually harass anyone.

 

Senate intelligence committee is now reportedly investigating Jill Stein. If there is one person both many Dems and GOP would like to see indicted…

Dear Santa: If a tax cut is not enough could you bring people who drive expensive cars some working turn signals. Pretty clear they don’t have them.

A Breitbart writer claims that “Feminist witches” are trying to hex Trump.    Hey, if feminist witches had that much power they’d be attending President Hillary Clinton’s Christmas parties.

Anyone who uses a work email address knows employers can read their email. But Trumpsters somehow thought their .gov emails were special?#cantfixstupid

Love how Trump team that came into power partly because of hacked PERSONAL emails, is now whining about legitimately obtained government emails.

Trump tweets about “soon to be submitted” infrastructure plan…. Meaning he wants Jared to start writing one?

“The America First Committee was the foremost United States non-interventionist pressure group against the American entry into World War II. It was also characterized by anti-semitic and pro-fascist rhetoric. Wikipedia”#AmericaFirst#WTF?