Posted tagged ‘Trump jokes’

Base medals?

May 21, 2017

Now turns out Rio Olympic medals are “falling to pieces.” Should make everyone feel real comfortable now living in former Olympic housing

Tim Tebow hit his third home run of the year for the single-A Columbia Fireflies. A real shame he can’t hit against the Mets bullpen.

Isaiah Thomas was out for game 3 of the Eastern Conference finals.  Maybe Lebron decided to even things out by not playing either?

I’m sure what’s left of the Spurs would appreciate Durant doing the same thing tomorrow in game 4.

 

In Zimbabwe, a big game hunter leading a safari was killed when an elephant he was hunting was shot and fell on top of him.  Mean bitch karma for a nice little win.

 

They’ve announced a sequel will be made to the original “Mamma Mia” movie with the original cast, including Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan,  Amanda Seyfried, Colin Firth etc.

This news will thrill women, gays, and about 5 straight men.

Wondering why Trump voters won’t get upset w/ him not using phrase “radical Islamic terrorism? Maybe because Fox won’t tell them he didn’t.

Anyone have any doubt what Donald Trump would have had said had he lost election and HillaryClinton signed arms deal w  Saudi Arabia.

Saudis are used to ruling families. So maybe they figure having Ivanka and Jared as surrogates makes sense. #TrumpinSaudi

Ivanka Trump praised Saudis for progress on women’s rights. That’s like praising Kardashians for progress in educational television.

Now Trump wants to gut the budget of the Office of National Drug Control Policy. While Sessions wants to lock all drug users up for the maximum sentences allowed. Never thought I’d miss “compassionate conservatism.”

Trump canceled a public appearance today on foreign trip because he was too tired. Anyone got a picture of him fainting into a motorcade?

 

Serious post about Democratic politics: Does anyone think Donald Trump was most Republicans’ first choice?
Whatever they thought of him, many in the GOP figured, correctly, that he would if President try to advance their agenda. So they held their noses and voted.
Meanwhile, I’ve already heard Democrats talking about 2020 and candidates they won’t support because of some perceived failed litmus lest. #Thisisthewaytolose

Out of here.

April 30, 2017

So in the end for basketball fans in Los Angeles what was the difference between the Lakers and the Clippers?

About two weeks.

(And the Lakers probably have a lottery pick.)

A friend pointed out the Nationals have scored 77 runs this week. The Giants have scored 86 runs this year.

And the Nationals haven’t yet faced the Giants bullpen.

Thought Anthony Rendon got more RBI’s today SFGiants had in series against Padres.

Different names, same bullpen. #SFGiants

Think @SFGiants at this point can sign Crash Davis to get them a rainout tomorrow?  #bulldurham

The Braves’ Freddie Freeman, tired of playing at Miller Park, referred to it as a “Little League field.” Guessing Freeman is never signing a free-agent deal with the Rockies.

Meanwhile the Mets are making New York fans look forward to Jets training camp.


Clippers disappointed their fans today, but saved them from humiliation against Warriors.

But wasn’t this Game 7 between Clippers and Jazz sort of like final Christians matchup before facing the Lions?

#Bills fire their GM two days AFTER 2017 NFL draft. #WTF? Another example why Buffalo franchise has been so successful over the years.

I suppose i get it -$400,000 speeches by Obama make some people on both sides  uncomfortable. But how come we didn’t see this level of  complaints w/ ex-white presidents.  And vice-presidents.  And New York mayors? Etc.

Trump on Kim Jong-Un “People are saying, ‘Is he sane?’ I have no idea,” Ironically, that’s a question rest of world is asking the US.

Trump tweets “Democrats, without a leader, have become the party of obstruction.” Justice Merrick Garland would disagree.

Trump on Trumpcare 2.0  “Pre-existing conditions are in the bill. I mandate it. Has to be.”  Right,  no mention of potential costs of such policies.   Spoken like a man who only got a little $1 million loan from dad.

Reince Preibus -“Changing libel laws “is something that we’ve looked at.” Would it help 1st amendment if media used 2nd? #ifonlytheywerearmed

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, who once called Obama “a son of a whore,” and who said “Hitler massacred three million Jews… there’s three million drug addicts. I’d be happy to slaughter them,” has been invited by Trump for a White House meeting. #heseemsnice

8 shot, some critically, at apartment pool in La Jolla. Shooter reportedly “a white man in brown shorts.” Move along, nothing to see here.

Tennis love and labor?

April 24, 2017

Serena Williams is back ranked as #1 on the WTA Tour. Or should we say Number 1 1/2?

 

Ben Roethlisberger now says he’s sorry that he stopped listing Findlay, Ohio as his hometown after “Some negative things were said about me by people in this town. I was hurt and I resented that.”
Probably not nearly as much as women he was accused of sexually assaulting resented things.

 

#Dodgers score a run after Derek Law walks Chase Utley w/ .034 batting average. Even Gorkys Hernandez thinks that’s a bad year. #SFGiants.

Anyone remember the last time we heard Duane Kuiper’s home run call for the SF Giants? Me neither.

 Christian Arroyo era in SF has begin. He’ll wear #22. In 1986 a rookie did okay w/ that number. And this team needs thrills.  Heck, this team needed a defibrillator.
Whole Foods says they are going to lower their prices. So are they pre-announcing a Going out of Business sale?
Kenny G played an impromptu concert aboard Delta flight. And millions of Americans changed their minds on never dragging someone off plane.

State Dept removed blog post touting Mar-a-Lago as Winter White House. Trump hasn’t said yet which resort he’s using as Summer White House?

 

#WTF So we may have govt shutdown over border wall money? Maybe Ivanka or Jared can educate Trump on tunnels, planes & boats?

Just wonder what would happen if you told IRS, not sending in my tax payment but Mexico will be covering it for me eventually?

 

So congrats to all those who had Canada in “Who will Trump fight next” bingo.

All these “MAGA” Trump supporters who are so happy about Canadian lumber tariffs do realize it means higher prices for Americans right?

Sorry but anyone bragging his ratings are bigger “than when the World Trade Center came down” is clearly a sick individual. That is all.

 

(Trump yesterday to the AP, on the size of his…. ratings “It’s the highest for ‘Face the Nation’ or as I call it, ‘Deface the Nation.”
“It’s the highest for ‘Deface the Nation’ since the World Trade Center — since the World Trade Center came down.”
Another moment when he became Presidential? )

 

 

 

TC with the lumber truck to hell  “DJ has just imposed a 20% tariff on Canadian softwood lumber exported to the US. I totally didn’t expect him to get personal on this issue. Anyways,no tariff on Hardwood Lumber? Sad…”

What a drag

April 14, 2017

Doctor taken off United flight has hired a lawyer. Guessing airline will want to settle rather than dragging the case out.

 

 

Last time #SFGiants came back to win when trailing in 9th inning, Donald Trump was a novelty act after 1 GOP debate. (Sept 15, 2015)

Eli Manning has now been named tangentially in a alleged scheme by the NY Giants to sell fake game-used memorabilia. His email to the team equipment manager as listed in a court documents. “2 helmets that can pass as game used. That is it. Eli.”
And here we thought Peyton’s Papa John’s and Budweiser Super Bowl plugs were the Manning’s most embarrassing marketing moments.

Dustin Johnson, who reportedly injured his back falling down stairs at his Augusta rental home, will return to the PGA Tour May 4 at the Wells Fargo Championships. Where presumably his WIlmington, NC, rental home will only be single-story.

That moment when you see the headline “Heidi and Spencer are going to be parents.” And you think, “who?”

Only bad thing for most airline passengers w/ #United fiasco. Now all the entitled jerks on board will feel – and act- even more entitled.

NY police carted away 25 protesters today from Trump Tower. Next time Trump is threatening to use United agents & O’Hare security guards.

Former Buccaneers WR Louis Murphy yesterday for carrying a loaded gun in a backpack at Tampa airport, while Steelers CG Senquez Golson was arrested for carrying an unloaded Glock in his carry on at Mobile’s airport.
I know these United agents are scary but this is ridiculous.

Since Trump seems to like “the rocket’s red glare” so much can Jared & Ivanka just hook him up w/ a fireworks company for Mar-A-Lago?

Florida health inspectors cited Mar-A-Lago with 15 food violations this year. Who needs plutonium?

Jeffery Lord says  that Donald Trump is the “MLK of healthcare.”   More like “I have a nightmare.”

The Cape May, NJ GOP decided to pull support from Brian McDowell, a NJ Jersey State Assembly candidate after a video surfaced of him at a bar saying to a woman “Let me tell you right now. You should f–k me. It would really be good. Listen, you never know.”
McDowell is staying in the race, maybe hoping for an endorsement from the President?

After saying yesterday that things were “nasty” and ‘we’re not getting along with Russia at all’,” Trump today tweeted “Things will work out fine between the U.S.A. and Russia. At the right time everyone will come to their senses & there will be lasting peace!’
Gawd, can’t imagine how anyone might think Trump and Putin have a bromance going. #teenagelovespat

The dollar has fallen in the last two days after comments Trump made to the Wall Street Journal “I think our dollar is getting too strong, and partially that’s my fault because people have confidence in me.”
Is there ANYTHING in the world that isn’t all about him?

Keep calm and f*ck terrorism

March 22, 2017

lego

 

 

My favorite city in the world. And yes I would go back tomorrow. If we stop traveling the bad guys win.

This mural, btw,  is made completely out of Lego, in the London store – Leicester Square.

Wow. A reasonable and measured response. Maybe the rumors that Tillerson won’t last long as Secretary of State in this administration are true. “We condemn these horrific acts of violence, and whether they were carried out by troubled individuals or by terrorists, the victims know no difference,”

It’s always awful when innocent people are hurt. But Britain has very tight gun laws, at least London assailant wasn’t armed.

 

Four murdered, including a police officer, until the suspect himself was shot by police. Not just London, but today in Wisconsin. The suspect is an American man with a gun. Move along, nothing to see here.

CNN reports FBI has information indicating Trump campaign associates communicated “with suspected Russian operatives to possibly coordinate the release of information damaging to Hillary Clinton’s campaign.”
#Fakenews tweet from Donald in 3.2.1….

Ghanaian Soccer player Mohammed Anas, who made headlines when he thanked his wife AND girlfriend during an interview now says “My family knows that I call my daughter my girlfriend. That’s what I was talking about. I don’t have a girlfriend.”
Is Anas trying for a post in the Trump administration?

Trumpcare will not have a requirement to cover mental health. While Congress also reduces gun regulations. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Puerto Rico has seen enough of Brandon Crawford.  Late in tonight’s game what they really wanted to see is the 2016 SF Giants’ bullpen. #WBC

Just guessing  Ian Kinsler, who hit a home run after bashing Puerto Rico’s style of play, might want to plan his next Caribbean vacation somewhere other than San Juan?

Almost didn’t recognize Dodger Stadium for #WBC championship tonight. Stands were basically full in first inning. @espn

#BeckyHammon is apparently a finalist for the head coaching job at Florida. Alas it’s the women’s team. She can coach men. @Spurs

Roger Goodell says that the NFL will address when a commercial is followed by a kickoff and then followed by another commercial. “I hate that, too. Our goal is to eliminate it.”
By just running longer commercials after kickoffs?

 

All about those Ws.

March 14, 2017

Warriors come back at home for a stirring 2-point win over the…. Philadelphia 76ers?  Looking at the way the team is playing lately looks like true @NBA MVP might be Kevin Durant.

 

Top seed Cal one-and-done in the NIT tournament. Well, at least the Bears won’t be complaining anymore about not making #MarchMadness

Anyone who picked Wake Forest deep into the tournament, either for old times sake or in honor of Tim Dunca,  you still have time to change your online brackets.

 

Oakland As are lowering beer prices for 2017. The same year they’ve signed Santiago Casilla. Coincidence?

Police in Ocala, Florida, have warned residents to be on the lookout for an escaped cobra. But come on, won’t the snake just be standing his ground?

Up in Napa this morning, police found a naked man screaming for help because he was stuck in a shaft above a Togo’s sandwich shop. Cue the “hold the pickle” jokes.

My friend Josh Becker informs me  ESPN is rotating each tournament team and then a notable alumnus. For Purdue the notable alumnus was Herman Cain.

Are the Boilermakers a 9-9-9 seed?

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie apparently got matching tattoos several months before they decided to divorce. Wonder how many parents will put this story in front of their teen children and go “see!”

A big problem in USA is how many millions of Americans took Trump promises as seriously as #thebachelor proposals.

Only 2 1/2 inches of snow fell in Washington, D.C. Will  Trump take credit for cutting the storm down to size?

 

Waiting for Trump to tweet that a far worse storm was averted in Washington DC with help of the best microwave surveillance.

Were the Trump Tax Returns found with a microwave camera. Or was it a television?

So Trump White House is against releasing personal data leaked illegally. Unless it’s Hillary Clinton’s. #TrumpTaxes

Lost in the  #RachelMaddow right or wrong debate is fact if Trump did what other candidates did his returns would already be public .

Paul Ryan on Steve King “Like to think he misspoke & it wasn’t really meant way it sounds.” Time to call GOP the GEP – Grand Enabling Party

In 2014, Trump tweeted that “CBO estimates over 2.5M will lose jobs directly because of Obamacare.” Love may fade, but internet is forever.

The CBO also said yesterday that defunding Planned Parenthood would result in “several thousand” more births paid by Medicaid. Well, good thing the GOP is all about services to poor women and children.

The Trump administration may gut Michelle Obama’s healthy lunch program, allowing more salt and only half the current whole grain requirements. Well,it’s a good thing we will have such wonderful Trumpcare to take care of these kids if they grow up with high blood pressure and diabetes.

Bracket building

March 13, 2017

As Americans focus on their brackets, many sites ask for tie-breakers like guessing the score of the final game. Wouldn’t it be more a test of skill to ask entrants to name one player on each of their final four teams?

 

As everyone expected, one Tim Duncan retired the Spurs had a shot for best record in NBA.

Tim Tebow got his 1st hit of Spring Training for the Mets today. Hope he didn’t trip on his way to first over that blind squirrel carrying a nut.

Mexico eliminated from #WBC after given wrong information on tie-breakers #WTF? So Trump will blame baseball when they don’t pay for wall.

Every time he opens his mouth, #SteveKing shatters the myth of white supremacy.

Kellyanne Conway is now backpedaling on her claim that Obama was spying on Trump with microwaves and TVs, saying she was speaking “generally” and “I’m not Inspector Gadget.”
What, her claims aren’t just #alternativeevidence?”

KellyanneConway “I’m not in the job of having evidence.” Well, when she’s right, she’s right.

Jonathan Tran, the White House fence jumper, was released on his own recognizance, ordered to comply with a mental health evaluation and told he cannot have guns. Where’s the NRA outrage on this one?

Trump’s latest tweet -“It is amazing how rude much of the media is to my very hard working representatives. Be nice, you will do much better!”
Yeah, the media is so rude, they occasionally fact check and remind Trump people of what they themselves actually might have said in the past. Tragic, really.

 

So were people massacred in Bowling Green because they knew too much about the building of surveillance microwaves and televisions?

CBO report  Proposed GOP healthcare will result in 14 million fewer insured by 2018 Waiting for Trump & company to tweet about #alternativenumbers

So did someone in GOP say hell would freeze over before they’d take people’s insurance? #blizzard2017

Clearly Trump was wrong when he accused Obama of tapping his phones. Obama was REALLY tapping his microwaves.

Obamacare promise “If you like your doctor you can keep your doctor.” Trumpcare promise- “If you like staying alive you can keep staying alive.”

Apparent rationale behind #Trumpcare is rural low-income older folks dumb enough to have voted for him don’t deserve healthcare.

Schwarzenegger says he is not running for Senate. Turning down a chance to be the sanest reality star in Washington?

 

In women’s NCAA tournament, #UConn, winner of 107 straight, was given overall #1 seed. In related news committee announced water was wet.