Posted tagged ‘Trump jokes’

Schooled?

September 13, 2019

So Tim Tebow thinks college athletes shouldn’t be paid because “I didn’t make a dollar from it and nor did I want to because I knew going into college what it was all about.”
Pretty rich coming from a kid whose parents could not only afford to home-school him even though he played football at a local Christian Academy but also MOVED (while still home-schooling him) so he was in the district for a public high school who would let him play QB.

University of Alabama is using an app to track students when they arrive and leave home football games. The app will give them 100 points for showing up, and 250 more points for staying through the 4th quarter. Students can then use points  for priority access to future games…  Gosh if only there were only such an an app to track football players going to class?

 

Didn’t we all have Shaun Anderson as the SF Giants potential closer of the future?

(For what it’s worth, Buster Posey was a closer at Florida State.)

After Beto O’Rourke said yes, he would go after assault weapons, GOP Texas state legislator Briscoe Cain tweeted out
“My AR is ready for you Robert Francis,”
At times like this I really miss Molly Ivins.

 

Btw, not only was Felicity Hoffman’s 14-day sentence an example of White Privilege but also does anyone really think her husband William Macy had no idea what was going on?

RIP Eddie Money…. Will he show up at the pearly gates with an extra ticket to Paradise?

 

Trump complains LED light bulbs make him “look orange.”
So no wonder Donald is against solar energy. The sun makes him look orange too.

 

 

Trump is coming to Northern California for an expensive fundraiser in Atherton.
Now, here’s a question, GOP gets so upset if anyone releases names of attendees of this kind of thing – shouldn’t anyone donating big $$$ to a President they clearly admire be proud to share that publicly?

(and putting my money where my mouth is, while I am not a big donor, in the last Presidential elections I have donated to Howard Dean,  Barack Obama, and in these primaries Cory Booker and Amy Klobuchar.   It’s public record, but have nothing to hide.)

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Copy not right?

September 11, 2019

LeBron James has been denied in his attempt to trademark the term “Taco Tuesday.” Gosh, I hope he’ll still be able to feed his family.

Ohio State’s application to trademark “The” has been denied. Well, even Notre Dame thought “The” idea was ridiculously egocentric.

ESPN reports ex-Arizona assistant men’s basketball coach “Book” Richardson told undercover FBI agents that he paid $40,000 to a high school coach to make sure Rawle Alkins was academically eligible.
Can’t wait to see how hard NCAA slaps the Wildcats on the wrist for this one.

So Bob Baffert apparently got caught using a PED with #Justify and officials covered up the failed drug test. The real question, how many more times did he not get caught?

 

Regulators say they decided to drop inquiry on Justify after the Triple Crown with the reasoning that the colt’s positive PED could have come from eating contaminated food. A whole lot of ballplayers are going “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Guessing more Americans might be upset that Team USA lost in FIBA basketball tournament if most Americans cared about any international tournament except the Olympics.

(and under “most Americans” – include all the NBA players who bailed.)

 

Fox News is all over one set of  parents of one 9-11 victim criticizing Rep. Omar for using the words “some people did something.” But I must have missed their even more scathing reaction to the idea of inviting the Taliban to Camp David the week of 9-11.

Trump said today that US Food and Drug Administration would be putting out “some very strong recommendations” regarding the use of flavored e-cigarettes in “a couple of weeks.
Possible translation, he’s going to wait for Mitch McConnell to tell him how to exempt Kentucky companies?

Trump talking about Melania wanting a flavored-tobacco vaping ban “That’s how the First Lady involved. She’s got a son — together — that’s a beautiful young man, & she feels very very strongly about it.” So is Barron the new Tiffany?

 

Don’t get me wrong, good to see John Bolton gone. But T.S. Eliot was right “The last temptation is the greatest treason. To do the right thing, for the wrong reason.”

Saints be praised.

September 10, 2019

Yeah, it’s only a game. But as I tell people… even when you watch a thrilling movie or TV show, or read a book, many people already know the outcome. And even when you think a game is over….twice…that’s not true in sports.

Did Drew Brees get 10 years younger in the 2nd half?

 

In the end it didn’t matter, but officials admitted later they had taken 15 seconds too many off the clock as Saints tried at end of of first half. So NFL referees at least were already in midseason form.

Just one night, but Raiders looked like they missed Antonio Brown like a fish misses a bicycle.

 

A report in The Atlantic says that Trump, less than thrilled with Jared, has complained that Ivanka could have married QB Tom Brady instead. Well, as much as I am not fond of Patriots it WOULD have been less damaging to the country.

 

Shortly after winning  U.S. Open Sunday, Canadian tennis star Bianca Andreescu actually apologized for winning, acknowledging that the U.S. crowd would have preferred to see Serena Williams triumph.  Is this the most Canadian sports story ever?

 

Sarah and Todd Palin are divorcing. Look, it’s never a happy thing when a marriage breaks up. But for all GOP family values BS, note that the Obamas and Clintons are both on their first marriages.

If Wilbur Ross was ordered to fire people who contradicted POTUS about Dorian heading for Alabama, what does Donald do with people who contradict him on SERIOUS issues?

Trump defended his decision to remove Bahamian men, women and children, who had passports but not visas,  from ferries this weekend on their way to the US after Hurricane Dorian.  He said they could be “some very bad people, very bad gang members & very, very bad drug dealers.”

Uh, except United States policy says  “Bahamians can enter U.S. w/o visa by providing passport & proof of no criminal record.

 

Donald Trump said today he would release an “extremely complete” report on his personal finances before 2020 election. Will it include details on that Trump ice rink he is building in hell?

 

The National Rifle Association is suing San Francisco and SF Board of Supervisors for passing a resolution declaring them a domestic terrorist organization. The lawsuit says SF could hurt NRA’s business relationships and is “interfering” in their exercise of rights.
On the other hand, after Gilroy, El Paso, Dayton, Odessa’s etc, there are many people who might speak in support of San Francisco’s resolution, except they are now, like, you know, dead.

Hard headed?

September 5, 2019

Antonio Brown may have solved his helmet problem, and now he’s apparently getting suspended by Oakland.  Who had “before the season started? in the pool.

 

Wait, the Steelers actually got two draft picks in exchange for the Raiders taking Antonio Brown off their hands?

 

After blowing a 6 run lead in the 9th, ESPN headline “Mets bullpen bounces back” in an 8-4 win today against Nationals.
Or is it possible Washington hitters were just exhausted?

Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that the SF Giants should never pitch to Paul Goldschmidt.

Mayor de Blasio says he may drop out of presidential race in October. WTF? Forget eating pizza with a fork, when has a true New Yorker waited a month for ANYTHING?

So let me get this straight, “Moscow Mitch” says he won’t allow a vote on gun control unless “the President” backs a bill.
But when the last President chose and backed a Supreme Court nominee, he wouldn’t allow a vote either.
Hypocrisy much?

GOP Congressman Dan Crenshaw complains “With universal background checks, I wouldn’t be able to let my friends borrow my handgun.”  Some statements don’t even need a punchline.

But hey, so does Crenshaw loan his car to friends too?  Whether or not they have a license?

 

 

Imagine if after saying he’d campaigned in all 57 states, Barack Obama had insisted on showing us doctored maps showing there really were 57 states.

Did Donald Trump think he wouldn’t be caught altering the National Weather Service hurricane map?
Well, he’s not the Sharpie-est tool in the box.

Fox White House reporter John Roberts on Trump’s efforts to justify his Alabama hurricane mistake – “You can see somebody with a Sharpie or some other writing instruments, added a little bit to the cone of uncertainty, which was not a part of the official forecast.””

Uh oh, someone is not going to be happy with State TV.

 

 

So who had the National Weather Service in Trump insult bingo?

 

So how long until Trump issues a White House invitation for Alabama hurricane survivors?

High and dry?

September 3, 2019

Florida State coach Willie Taggart says he thinks his team might have lost in part to Boise State because they weren’t properly hydrated.
If only the game was in a state where they invented Gatorade?

After weeks of drama, Ezekiel Elliott’s agent says a deal with his client and the Cowboys is ‘very close.”

I really don’t care, do u?

 

SF Giants have mostly played their way out of Wild Card race.  And Tuesday 1-0 loss was rough on fans.    On the other hand, not as rough as Mets blowing a 10-4 lead in the 9th.

Last year’s SF Giants were near the wild card race until September too, when Pablo Sandoval also ended up out for the year.  #Coincidence?

 

Travel rant. Do you know how hard it is in a small country like Ireland to be 180 miles from Dublin?
Mike Pence managed to do it, by staying at Trump’s money-losing resort at taxpayer expense. And also at taxpayer expense flying back and forth from the West Coast of the country to the East Coast.
Seriously, LIVERPOOL, England is about 20 miles closer by air to Dublin than Doonbeg.

Pence’s Chief of Staff said, Trump said “‘Well, you should stay at my place.’ ”

“It wasn’t like a, ‘You must.’ It wasn’t like, ‘You have to…”

Right because who would feel pressured at all when replacing your boss on a business when they “suggest” you do something?

 

Latest mass shooter in Odessa apparently failed a federal background check, but got his weapon in a “private sale.”
Now, imagine if US said  (just for one example), “To save lives, we’re now going to regulate opioids more carefully, but hey, if you buy them privately get as many as you want.”

Kroger announced they will no longer allow open-carry in stores. What a shame for all those who felt they absolutely needed to be armed to get the best peaches.

And PSA for those who don’t live near a Kroger.  “Our longstanding policy is that firearms are not permitted in our stores – with the exception of law enforcement personnel. Safeway/Albertsons does not permit weapons of any kind in our stores.”

Actually keeping score?

August 29, 2019

Ok. I get that some people think I’m a little obsessed to be stressed about Democratic Presidential primaries this early. And yet there are folks who are seriously stressed about the scores of week 4 pre-season NFL football.

With back-to-back home runs today, Minnesota Twins broke the major league record season for most home runs on the road. which was 138. And there’s a full month left in the season.
But sure, Barry Bonds is the one whose home run total should have an asterisk…

At least for remainder of season can 2019 SF Giants officially retire the term “home field advantage?

Two weeks after Chris Davis had a dugout confrontation with manager Brandon Hyde, Orioles reliever Richard Bleier and 3rd-base coach Jose David Flores also ended up in a public shouting match in the dugout.
Baltimore fans just wish the team would show that much energy on the field.

Alex Trebek is back at work taping the new season of “Jeopardy!,” five months after being diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

“What is really good news?”

 

Travel rant.  Austrian Airlines and Lufthansa are offering a scheduled LEGAL connection between a Vienna to Frankfurt flight and a Frankfurt to San Francisco flight that is 45 minutes!?!
So will transfer assistance be provided by flying pig?

The latest wannabe mass shooter at High Point University told police he was trying to get into a fraternity and that “if his roommate got into a fraternity and he didn’t, he had a plan to kill his roommate and himself.”
But no, we don’t have an epidemic of white male privilege.

 

Interesting timing. Trump wants G7 at Mar-a-Lago and mean bitch Karma along with Mother Nature remind him. “Dude, it’s hurricane season.”

 

Well, since most bugs can’t swim Hurricane Dorian might take care of the Doral bed bug problem.

Trump today canceled his trip to Poland.   Guess it’s just as well Trump had already canceled Danish part of European trip. Does anyone think Mother Pence would have let Mike have dinner with the very attractive Danish Prime Minister?

 

 

Does anyone think Trump would have canceled his trip if he were scheduled to go to Buckingham Palace? Or to one of his rallies?  Or to one of his golf resorts?

Slower than a speeding bullet

August 27, 2019

Submarine pitcher Tyler Rogers made his major league debut at Oracle Park Tuesday night, pitching a 1-2-3 inning with most pitches in the 70s (MPH)   So who needs a 95 MPH fastball.

submarine

Rob Gronkowski “Football was bringing me down.”
So does this make him an honorary Redskins fan?

Fox Sports reporting that an unnamed NFL team reached out to Carli Lloyd with an offer to play in a preseason game this week.
Not sure if Carli will play in a real game, but guessing she won’t double-doink the ball off the crossbars

Love it. Young 20-somethings on train who work for some big company near Palo Alto are complaining about their employer and whining that bosses act like their parents. Uh…

Your reminder that Senator Tom Cotton, who is pushing so hard to buy Greenland, voted AGAINST hurricane relief for Puerto Rico.

 

William Barr is planning a $30,000 private holiday party at the Trump hotel in DC.  Now, I know many Americans may not understand the details of the emoluments clause. But you would think the US attorney would.

New Orleans is the most liberal part of Louisiana. So you just KNOW if Katrina happened on Trump’s watch he’d have complained about sending them money too.

Trump now whining about Puerto Rico and $$$ “Wow! Yet another big storm heading to Puerto Rico. Will it ever end?”

Has anyone told him Greenland is an island too?

After Trump’s heartless “will it ever end” tweet about Dorian approaching Puerto Rico, a new model shows center of storm could end up near West Palm Beach.
Is it possible mean bitch karma and Mother Nature are looking together at a map showing Mar-A-Lago?

Trump tweet also refers to his failing Trump Doral National MIAMI resort as “perfectly located (for the next G-7).”
“Perfectly located?” For a summer meeting? Heck, Donald doesn’t even go to his beloved Mar-A-Lago in summer.

And finally look, been in the travel industry for decades. If a hotel has a major PR disaster the way to get past it is apologize profusely, offer to make it up to guests affected, and say what you are doing or have done to fix the problem. Whether it’s a racist staff member, something like Legionnaire’s disease, or bedbugs,
What you do NOT do is deny the problem ever happened and accuse your accusers. #CantFixStupid
#TrumpBedBugs