Posted tagged ‘Trump jokes’

Weekend turkeys?

November 22, 2017

Cheapest ticket on Stubhub for Stanford game Saturday – $65. For 49ers game Sunday, $25. To be fair, Cardinal has more entertaining team.

Former US Gymnastic doctor Larry Nassar. “I’m so horribly sorry.” Well, he got the horrible part right.

WR Jauan Jennings was dismissed from Tennessee football team after he posted an R-rated Instagram video calling coaches “lying,” “fake” & “snakes.”
And here Volunteers fans thinking their most embarrassing moments this year would be on the field.

Know online shopping is out of control when you’re getting emails advertising “last few hours of pre-Black Friday sale.”

Whoever thought that in any situation involving another person, Lavar Ball would be the adult in the room.

As they blow up the balloons tonight for tomorrow’s #MacysThanksgivingDayParade six words – Must. Not. Make. Chris. Christie. Jokes.

54th anniversary of JFK’s death. Waiting for Trump to tweet “I like Presidents who weren’t assassinated.”

Trump SoHo hotel taking his name off property as it’s hurting their image. Any chance we can do that for White House? Asking for a country.

Trump supporters have no problem w/ Mar-A-Lago as “Winter White House” where all profits flow directly to him. But they sure bitched when Obama rented house in Hawaii.

NYPD detective arrested for burning her husband’s clothes because she thought he was cheating on her. At least she didn’t set the fire w/ him wearing them.

Headline “Congressman tries to explain nude selfie.” Here’s a hint – don’t take one in the first place. #JoeBarton

As the #JoeBarton story (& unfortunate visual) goes viral, how much, again, do I miss Molly Ivins?

Too soon to start a pool on when Trump will endorse Joe Barton?

Like most heterosexual women, I like looking at guys. But doesn’t matter who it is, even George Clooney or Drew Brees . Would rather see them at least partially clothed. 🙂 #Nodickpics

Are women not sexual predators because we’re better people? Or because we aren’t powerful enough to be predators? Would be nice to have enough women in charge to find out..

Advertisements

The price they pay.

November 17, 2017

House tax bill would not allow fans who make mandatory  “donations” to universities for the right to buy expensive college football or basketball tickets to deduct those donations as charity.

Just guessing they’re not hyping this part of the bill in red states.

No Kawhi Leonard, no Tony Parker, 23 point deficit to OKC, and Spurs win.  Just possible Popovich is a very good coach.

Now Jameis Winston accused of groping a female Uber driver. Buccaneers wishing he had stuck to grabbing crab legs?

Gymnast do take hard falls. Has anyone checked #GabbyDouglas for concussions?

Battle between Jerry Jones and Roger Goodell may turn out to be more riveting than 90% of NFL games this season.

Sad when it’s come to seeing #JesseJackson trending & you’re almost relieved it’s “only” Parkinson’s disease – not him dying or being accused of sexual assault.

So after Trump pardons Thanksgiving turkey will he then ship it to Mar-a-Lago to be secretly cooked & sold to guests at $100 a plate?

Saying Mike Pence’s policy of never being alone with another woman makes sense is like saying people should never go to museums w/ famous works of art because it’s too hard to look and not touch.

Trump tweet “Put big game trophy decision on hold until such time as I review all conservation facts. Under study for years. Will update soon with Secretary Zinke. Thank you!”

Who knew that some in the party that doesn’t give a damn about poor children and immigrants have a soft spot for elephants?

Trump “unexpectedly” released list of 5 conservatives he might appoint to Supreme Court. Bribe for when more sexual assault accusations come out?

Kayla Moore says President owes them thank you for taking “focus off Russia.” Except Trump might not be happy – Moore story also takes focus off Trump.

Guess no one told @realDonaldTrump, that a- it’s “FrankenSTEIN,” and b- Frankenstein was the doctor. Monster he created had no name.

Amazing GOP contortions to convince themselves that any woman who accuses a Republican is an angry liar & anyone who accuses a Dem a wronged saint.

 

Sarah Huckabee Sanders – “Difference between Franken and Trump is that Franken has admitted wrongdoing.” Right, adults do that.

 

So with Sarah Huckabee Sanders logic, any man who denies sexual harassment or abuse is innocent.   I missed her exoneration of Bill Clinton.

Trump says Al Franken “really bad.” Because he groped a woman’s breast instead of grabbing her by the pussy?

That moment when you think a zygote is worthy of protection but a teenage girl is not. #KaylaMoore #RoyMoore

So many laws, so little time?

November 14, 2017

Arkansas has suspended freshman QB Cole Kelley, 20, after a DWI arrest, for at least one game. Coach Bielema: “Starting games here is a very big deal. Social media and everything else around, he’s going to be held to a higher standard. … ”
A DWI arrest at 20? Higher standard than what?

UCLA players accused of shoplifting are on flights home. That’ll teach them – shoplift designer sunglasses & you could be forced to spent a week away from classes at a deluxe hotel.

On a lighter note, USA Today projections for 2017-18 Bowl Games. Holiday Bowl Dec 28 – Stanford vs Michigan. #HolyHarbaugh

France is apparently considering legalizing sex with 13 yr-olds. In related news #RoyMoore is considering retirement to Paris.

Shooter today in Rancho Tehama another angry white guy. Standby for more GOP thoughts & prayers,” & talk about mental illness while cutting funding for mental health.

Everyone who insists #RoyMoore‘s behavior was normal for Alabama at the time, forgets that people thought he was creepy AT THE TIME.

Now Paul Ryan is calling on Roy Moore to step aside. Unless he gets elected in which case  he’ll want Moore to resign after voting for tax cuts.

McConnell floating idea of Sessions as write-in candidate for Alabama Senate. Though apparently AG  has same possible Alzheimer’s memory problems as Moore. #ICantRecall

Paul Ryan “House will adopt a policy of mandatory anti-harassment & anti-discrimination training for all Members & staff. ” What about Oval Office?

Trump got off a plane tonight from the Philippines and promptly tweeted  “May God be with the people of Sutherland Springs, Texas. The FBI and Law Enforcement has arrived.”

 

Question of night, will @realDonaldTrump delete tweet referencing 9-day-old mass shooting instead of today’s, or double down on it?
#SutherlandSprings #RanchoTehama

Missing it by that much?

November 13, 2017

Once again, looking like #49ers will come up just short in their quest for the #1 NFL draft pick.

A New Jersey bar owner said he boycotted NFL Veteran’s Day weekend over players kneeling during anthem. Either that or because @nyjets & @Giants both suck?

In NFC, Rams, Vikings and Saints all leading their divisions. Just like the preseason pundits predicted.

49ers fans thrilled about 1st week of season without a loss. And next week the team has pretty good chance against “Bye Week.”

There was a streaker on the field late in 4th quarter in Buffalo. He had a better running day than the Bills offense against the Saints.

Butch Jones, w/ 4-6 record this year, has been fired as head football coach at Tennessee. #Browns fans wonder, was he fired for over-achieving?

Just wondering, how drunk do you have to be to be thrown out of a bar in Las Vegas? #OJSimpson

 

Oh please oh please let someone ask Trump about Keurig? “Never met them, the allegations are false.”

 

If you #BoycottKeurig does that mean you spend more money at #Starbucks? Being conservative at times must be so confusing.

Thinking there’s going to be a real market for someone who can fix broken Keurigs when some angry conservatives calm down & miss their coffee.

Damn, with Trump supporters attacking #NFL and #Keurig what’s a liberal worried about CTE who doesn’t like pretentious coffee to do?

Lost w/ all attention given to @realDonaldTrump’s “short & fat” comment on Kim Jong-Un is other tweet complaining Hillary had “no chemistry” w/ Putin.

Authorities say 50 pounds of cocaine washed up on a central Florida beach. Talk about a high-tide.

Now Roy More defenders trying to discredit his 1st accuser by bringing up her divorces. Maybe “dating” him at 14 DID mess her up for life?

To me  his 1st accuser being divorced 3 times actually makes her more credible. Being sexual w/ a 32 yr old at 14 would screw a lot of women up.

 

Would #RoyMoore supporters be more likely to believe allegations if Moore were a customer of Hillary’s pedophile-run pizza parlor? #pizzagate #sarcasm

Do we really expect a man who said he’d date his daughter to condemn Roy Moore over pursuing teenage girls?

 

So Trump is insulting former CIA/FBI guys -, Clapper, Brennan, Comey and Mueller. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Not a “thoughts & prayers” kind of gal but maybe those who are could spare some “thought & prayers” after earthquake for people in Iraq and Iran.

Lonely at the top.

November 11, 2017

 

Wondering how many in Alabama would have been more upset if Crimson Tide lost than to find out they might be electing a sexual predator Senator.

I suppose it was too much to ask for that two undefeated SEC teams lose in on the same day? #Georgia #Bama

Well, at least this embarrassment for Georgia on the football field didn’t involve a 4th quarter collapse in the Super Bowl.

So is there still a chance Notre Dame and Georgia could meet in the  “Over-rated” Bowl?

I’m sure LSJUMB will take the high road over Fighting Irish blowout loss in Miami when Notre Dame plays Stanford in two weeks.

Did someone tell Michigan State players they had a bye week this week.  (Ohio State 48, MSU 3.)

Wonder why NFL TV ratings down? Only free option for those near NYC/SF Sunday afternoon not Cowboys-Falcons or Texans-Rams but Giants-49ers.

UCLA players accused of shoplifting, from as many as 3 different stores, remain at Hyatt in China. Gosh, hope this doesn’t interfere w/ their studies.

#Cardinals already w/o Carson Palmer, now QB Drew Stanton injured; they will reportedly sign Matt Barkley. Kaepernick remains on list just below chopped liver.

Alabama GOP position is that a 14-yr-old girl is adult enough to make her own choices about sex until she gets pregnant.

Across America some 14 yr-old girls are just trying to convince their parents they should be allowed to date 15-yr-old boys.

Some in GOP floating idea of delaying Alabama Senate special election. If this works will Trump try to delay 2020 election at least a few years?

Bromance between Trump and Putin continues. How long until Vlad is named an honorary co-host of Fox and Friends?
Trump on Putin’s being accused of election meddling -“I think he’s very insulted by it.” What’s Russian word for “snowflake.”

 

Trump complains about Kim Jong-Un calling him “old,” says he wouldn’t call Korean leader “short & fat.” Is this US President or Alec Baldwin on SNL cold open?

But hey, is that what POTUS meant by “progress not provocation?”

Tweet tweeted “Met with President Putin of Russia who was at #APECmeetings.” President Putin “of Russia.” Are there any Americans who don’t know who Vlad is?

Trump on his Asia trip – “Well a lot of people said it is almost physically impossible for someone to go through 12 days.” And we were worried about Hillary’s health?”

Rest of world going ahead with TPP and Paris Climate Accord. #MAIA – Make American Isolated Again.

Silver lining for GOP with Roy Moore: Nobody is tweeting about their proposed tax relief for millionaires.

Analyze this?

November 6, 2017

Cashman – Yankees fired Girardi because Joe didn’t have good “connectivity” w/ clubhouse. “Connectivity?” Is that like exit velocity?

If all ex-players with CTE and/or dying young haven’t bothered you,  but guys kneeling to protest oppression makes you stop watching NFL, you might be a racist.

All these teams don’t want to sign Colin Kaepernick because they might hear boos from fans? Guess what… Packers, Browns, 49ers, Dolphins, Giants…

 

From Marc Ragovin  “MetLife Stadium is now known as Area 51.”

Kevin Spacey has entered a sex addiction rehab program in Arizona. Congrats to all those who had Nov 6 in the pool.

From T.C.  “A World Series fan picked the first 6 games correctly, parlaying a $200,000 bet into $14,000,000. He didn’t bet on game 7, saying he needed the funds to pay for his Yankee season tickets, hot dogs and beer.”

 

Rumors that Rand Paul’s neighbor assaulted him over some sort of issue over their lawns. If only they had both been armed. #duel?

.

Many women appalled that a dispute over yards between neighbors would result in Rand Paul being assaulted. Not something serious like shopping.

Bernie Sanders petition wants DNC to implement policies to make “Democratic Party more inclusive.” Uh, Bernie, can you become a Democrat  first?

 

Interesting how same GOP that will do anything to help people keep their gun rights will do anything to take away other people’s voting rights.

GOP tax plan eliminates teachers’ ability to deduct cost of school supplies they buy from taxes. Makes sense, education causes Democrats.

Only problem w/everyone having guns is that when shooting starts, in chaos it’s hard to get good guys from the bad. Seriously.

 

Witness to #TexasChurchMassacre “The Bible tells us that we overcome evil with good.” How about good gun laws?

Kellyanne Conway “Rush” to politicize Texas shooting “disrespectful to dead.” Because in Murica we only politicize killings by brown people?’

An 18-month old was among those killed in #TexasChurchMassacre. Once again, how can you be so-called “pro-life” & anti-gun control?

 

 

Seriously, after latest Texas shooting, have to wonder, how many other domestic violence convictions have our armed forces not reported to civilian authorities?

Trump comment on recent mass shootings. “It isn’t a guns situation,” but “mental health problem at the highest level.”  The highest level as in the Oval Office?

Although Trump’s tweets so far from Asia are mild by his usual standards. Think maybe Kelly told him he didn’t have intl data plan & has control of his phone?

 

Juli Briskman, Virginia woman who flipped off Trump’s motorcade while riding bike, was fired for gesture. Guessing a few others might hire her.

If you’re in a state with 2017 elections, VOTE Tuesday  or give up all bitching rights. That is all.

When you’re hot…

October 23, 2017

Can we really call it the Fall Classic when it’s going to be 92 degrees for World Series  game time in Los Angeles?

Maybe Fall will refer to fans passing out in the stands.

Now Carson Palmer who will be out for at least 8 wks. If I didn’t know better would think God wanted teams to sign Kaepernick. Or Tebow?

SDChargers fan flying banner over StubHub Ctr: “Dean Spanos Cheap, Inept Weasel!” Same initials, could Redskins fans borrow for Dan Snyder?

Phoenix point guard Eric Bledsoe tweeted “I Don’t wanna be here.” Suns sent him home and apparently plan to trade him. Bledsoe now says he “was at hair salon.” Missing those innocent times when this would have been biggest controversy of the day on social media.

Billionaires need more tax cuts like the NBA needs a longer season.

Bill O’Reilly attacked NY Times reporter confronting him on settlement.     “This is c**p & you know it.”   Right, Fox just paid $32 million for nothing.

Fox News would not have paid $32 million for nothing. Only time they did was for some free agents when they owned Dodgers.

 

Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted  “The average American family would get a $4,000 raise under the President’s tax cut plan. So how could any member of Congress be against it?”

Guessing someone didn’t go far enough in math to learn the difference between mean, median, and mode.    Or hopes that most Americans don’t know either.

Tom Hanks -Trump’s handling of soldier’s death “just seems like one of biggest cock-ups on planet Earth. “Loser Tom Hanks” tweets in 3.2.1..

Trump tweet “There will be NO change to your 401(k).”

Someone didn’t learn from “read my lips” & “if you like your doctor you can keep your doctor?”

 

That moment when Megyn Kelly is attacking Fox News & John McCain is attacking a GOP President.
#whythereisnosatire

Now Trump is accusing a Gold Star widow, Myeshia Johnson, of lying. This is MAGA?

Amazing.  Myeshia Johnson story & so many other @realDonaldTrump controversies would’ve been nothing if Trump could simply say “I’m sorry.”

 

If you’re trolling or attacking Myeshia Johnson, a Gold Star widow who wasn’t even allowed to see her husband’s body, you are deplorable. Period.