Posted tagged ‘Trump jokes’

Ageless?

August 3, 2017

Tom Brady is 40 today. Hope he’s not feeling too deflated about it.

So much attention on Steph Curry’s 1st round of professional golf even though he has no chance to win the tournament. Yep, it really is almost like he was Tiger Woods.

 

Alabama football coach Nick Saban won’t suspend Da’Shawn Hand for his 430a DUI arrest last weekend. Saban says it’s because his potential starting DL was found asleep in car & not actually driving when police found him.
Well that and the Tide open against Florida State.

Rockies closer Greg Holland cut his finger in kitchen accident, is “day-to-day.” Uh, maybe if you can’t stand being on DL, get out of the kitchen.

 

Grateful Dead night at AT&T Park.  SFGiants fans just grateful if the offense didn’t play like they are dead.

SF Giants still undefeated on odd-days in August.

Trump tweet “Our relationship with Russia is at an all-time & very dangerous low.” Uh, about those 13 days in October 1962.

A California man is suing Annie’s because their strawberry fruit snacks don’t contain any strawberries. Hope he never buys angel-food cake.

Trump is heading for a 17 day vacation in New Jersey. Can Chris Christie close down a bridge or something and keep him there?

With AG Sessions still upsetting Trump over the Russia recusal,  McMaster saying Susan Rice did nothing wrong, and Mueller convening a grand jury, it’s going to be a tough call to pick a favorite in the firing pool.

So who’s going to be the first to start a band named “Local milk people.”

 

Now it’s Dubai’s 79-story residential Torch Tower on fire (again) following London’s Grenfell Tower tragedy. But hey, who needs regulations?

Remember Towering Inferno? “You know, one of these days you’re gonna kill 10,000 in one of these firetraps, and I’m gonna keep eating smoke and bringing out bodies until somebody ask us… how to build them.”

Remember those days when August was a slow news month?

Donald Trump changed his mind.  After nominating ex-LA Dodgers co-owner Jamie McCourt as Ambassador to Belgium,  he now nominated her instead as Ambassador to France.

The White House did note Jamie speaks French!

(guess no one told Trump French is one of three official languages of Belgium?)

 

 

If the state secedes I have no problem with @realDonaldTrump becoming the first President of West Virginia.

The Senate unanimously blocked Trump from making recess appointments over break.

The technical reason Trump cannot make recess appointments is –  Senate pro-forma sessions in August.  Who set sessions up?  Alaska’s Senator Murkowski. No doubt with a smile.

With Trump’s 38% approval rating it’s pretty clear that some Republicans are supporting him just because he’s a Republican.
But as we look ahead to 2020, amazing how many Democrats are already drawing lines saying they won’t support someone if he or she isn’t THEIR Democrat.

from Marc Ragovin  – “Former NY Giant Michael Strahan lost part of one of his fingers in a recent accident. “Amateur,” said Jason Pierre-Paul.”

Winter is coming, but isn’t fall coming first?

July 16, 2017

Is it un-American not to care about Game of Thrones? Asking for a friend.

SF Giants are having a Game of Thrones night Thursday.  Giants fans would like offense to stop regularly having Night of the Living Dead nights.

 

Executive V.P. Billy Beane says Oakland plans to rebuild & be competitive when A’s have new ballpark. Will it be named “Flying Pig” field?

Jeff Samardzija is rumored to be on trade block. Were those 7 runs on 2 home runs in four innings today his way of telling team he’d rather stay in San Francisco?

Roger Federer, 35, won Wimbledon this year without losing a set. Imagine how good he’ll be when he really hits his prime.

Houston Texans rookie RB D’Onta Foreman was arrested in Austin this morning and charged with marijuana possession and unlawful carrying of a firearm. Shocking, there’s a way to illegally carry a gun in Texas?

An Allegiant Airline flight from Florida to Indiana had to turn around after its air conditioning malfunctioned. The horror – they couldn’t charge an air conditioning surcharge.

Cruz’s Trumpcare amendment is like car insurance that in case of a major injury accident would cover new tires and some Band-aids.

Forget how long until Trump’s travel expenses eclipse Obama’s. How long until Trump’s LEGAL expenses eclipse Obama’s travel expenses?

Media, FBI, CIA, CBO, Secret Service… pretty sure only people Trump trusts are related to him. And he’s not sure about Tiffany.

Trump maintains no one told him about Russia meeting. But if they didn’t think it was illegal, why WOULDN’T they tell him?

Lawyer Jay Sekulow on Russia meeting “if this was nefarious, why Secret Service allowed these people in” He means Trump himself attended?

So did @realDonaldTrump notice at #USWomensOpen at his golf club, not a US woman in the top ten? #MAGA?

Would be childish to say of course #AnnCoulter was upset w/ Delta for seat change, even their extra legroom doesn’t compare to her broom.

Just wondering, if Ann Coulter is so successful and is selling so many books, why was she flying coach in the first place?

 

As Ann Coulter fans rant, waiting for new @Delta ad. “Fly with us to experience a far-right free zone.”

California Congressman Ted Lieu with a bid to win the internet this week.  “For Made in America week, let’s remember that Nixon used American labor to steal from DNC. He didn’t outsource it to the Russians.”

 

Base medals?

May 21, 2017

Now turns out Rio Olympic medals are “falling to pieces.” Should make everyone feel real comfortable now living in former Olympic housing

Tim Tebow hit his third home run of the year for the single-A Columbia Fireflies. A real shame he can’t hit against the Mets bullpen.

Isaiah Thomas was out for game 3 of the Eastern Conference finals.  Maybe Lebron decided to even things out by not playing either?

I’m sure what’s left of the Spurs would appreciate Durant doing the same thing tomorrow in game 4.

 

In Zimbabwe, a big game hunter leading a safari was killed when an elephant he was hunting was shot and fell on top of him.  Mean bitch karma for a nice little win.

 

They’ve announced a sequel will be made to the original “Mamma Mia” movie with the original cast, including Meryl Streep, Pierce Brosnan,  Amanda Seyfried, Colin Firth etc.

This news will thrill women, gays, and about 5 straight men.

Wondering why Trump voters won’t get upset w/ him not using phrase “radical Islamic terrorism? Maybe because Fox won’t tell them he didn’t.

Anyone have any doubt what Donald Trump would have had said had he lost election and HillaryClinton signed arms deal w  Saudi Arabia.

Saudis are used to ruling families. So maybe they figure having Ivanka and Jared as surrogates makes sense. #TrumpinSaudi

Ivanka Trump praised Saudis for progress on women’s rights. That’s like praising Kardashians for progress in educational television.

Now Trump wants to gut the budget of the Office of National Drug Control Policy. While Sessions wants to lock all drug users up for the maximum sentences allowed. Never thought I’d miss “compassionate conservatism.”

Trump canceled a public appearance today on foreign trip because he was too tired. Anyone got a picture of him fainting into a motorcade?

 

Serious post about Democratic politics: Does anyone think Donald Trump was most Republicans’ first choice?
Whatever they thought of him, many in the GOP figured, correctly, that he would if President try to advance their agenda. So they held their noses and voted.
Meanwhile, I’ve already heard Democrats talking about 2020 and candidates they won’t support because of some perceived failed litmus lest. #Thisisthewaytolose

Out of here.

April 30, 2017

So in the end for basketball fans in Los Angeles what was the difference between the Lakers and the Clippers?

About two weeks.

(And the Lakers probably have a lottery pick.)

A friend pointed out the Nationals have scored 77 runs this week. The Giants have scored 86 runs this year.

And the Nationals haven’t yet faced the Giants bullpen.

Thought Anthony Rendon got more RBI’s today SFGiants had in series against Padres.

Different names, same bullpen. #SFGiants

Think @SFGiants at this point can sign Crash Davis to get them a rainout tomorrow?  #bulldurham

The Braves’ Freddie Freeman, tired of playing at Miller Park, referred to it as a “Little League field.” Guessing Freeman is never signing a free-agent deal with the Rockies.

Meanwhile the Mets are making New York fans look forward to Jets training camp.


Clippers disappointed their fans today, but saved them from humiliation against Warriors.

But wasn’t this Game 7 between Clippers and Jazz sort of like final Christians matchup before facing the Lions?

#Bills fire their GM two days AFTER 2017 NFL draft. #WTF? Another example why Buffalo franchise has been so successful over the years.

I suppose i get it -$400,000 speeches by Obama make some people on both sides  uncomfortable. But how come we didn’t see this level of  complaints w/ ex-white presidents.  And vice-presidents.  And New York mayors? Etc.

Trump on Kim Jong-Un “People are saying, ‘Is he sane?’ I have no idea,” Ironically, that’s a question rest of world is asking the US.

Trump tweets “Democrats, without a leader, have become the party of obstruction.” Justice Merrick Garland would disagree.

Trump on Trumpcare 2.0  “Pre-existing conditions are in the bill. I mandate it. Has to be.”  Right,  no mention of potential costs of such policies.   Spoken like a man who only got a little $1 million loan from dad.

Reince Preibus -“Changing libel laws “is something that we’ve looked at.” Would it help 1st amendment if media used 2nd? #ifonlytheywerearmed

Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte, who once called Obama “a son of a whore,” and who said “Hitler massacred three million Jews… there’s three million drug addicts. I’d be happy to slaughter them,” has been invited by Trump for a White House meeting. #heseemsnice

8 shot, some critically, at apartment pool in La Jolla. Shooter reportedly “a white man in brown shorts.” Move along, nothing to see here.

Tennis love and labor?

April 24, 2017

Serena Williams is back ranked as #1 on the WTA Tour. Or should we say Number 1 1/2?

 

Ben Roethlisberger now says he’s sorry that he stopped listing Findlay, Ohio as his hometown after “Some negative things were said about me by people in this town. I was hurt and I resented that.”
Probably not nearly as much as women he was accused of sexually assaulting resented things.

 

#Dodgers score a run after Derek Law walks Chase Utley w/ .034 batting average. Even Gorkys Hernandez thinks that’s a bad year. #SFGiants.

Anyone remember the last time we heard Duane Kuiper’s home run call for the SF Giants? Me neither.

 Christian Arroyo era in SF has begin. He’ll wear #22. In 1986 a rookie did okay w/ that number. And this team needs thrills.  Heck, this team needed a defibrillator.
Whole Foods says they are going to lower their prices. So are they pre-announcing a Going out of Business sale?
Kenny G played an impromptu concert aboard Delta flight. And millions of Americans changed their minds on never dragging someone off plane.

State Dept removed blog post touting Mar-a-Lago as Winter White House. Trump hasn’t said yet which resort he’s using as Summer White House?

 

#WTF So we may have govt shutdown over border wall money? Maybe Ivanka or Jared can educate Trump on tunnels, planes & boats?

Just wonder what would happen if you told IRS, not sending in my tax payment but Mexico will be covering it for me eventually?

 

So congrats to all those who had Canada in “Who will Trump fight next” bingo.

All these “MAGA” Trump supporters who are so happy about Canadian lumber tariffs do realize it means higher prices for Americans right?

Sorry but anyone bragging his ratings are bigger “than when the World Trade Center came down” is clearly a sick individual. That is all.

 

(Trump yesterday to the AP, on the size of his…. ratings “It’s the highest for ‘Face the Nation’ or as I call it, ‘Deface the Nation.”
“It’s the highest for ‘Deface the Nation’ since the World Trade Center — since the World Trade Center came down.”
Another moment when he became Presidential? )

 

 

 

TC with the lumber truck to hell  “DJ has just imposed a 20% tariff on Canadian softwood lumber exported to the US. I totally didn’t expect him to get personal on this issue. Anyways,no tariff on Hardwood Lumber? Sad…”

What a drag

April 14, 2017

Doctor taken off United flight has hired a lawyer. Guessing airline will want to settle rather than dragging the case out.

 

 

Last time #SFGiants came back to win when trailing in 9th inning, Donald Trump was a novelty act after 1 GOP debate. (Sept 15, 2015)

Eli Manning has now been named tangentially in a alleged scheme by the NY Giants to sell fake game-used memorabilia. His email to the team equipment manager as listed in a court documents. “2 helmets that can pass as game used. That is it. Eli.”
And here we thought Peyton’s Papa John’s and Budweiser Super Bowl plugs were the Manning’s most embarrassing marketing moments.

Dustin Johnson, who reportedly injured his back falling down stairs at his Augusta rental home, will return to the PGA Tour May 4 at the Wells Fargo Championships. Where presumably his WIlmington, NC, rental home will only be single-story.

That moment when you see the headline “Heidi and Spencer are going to be parents.” And you think, “who?”

Only bad thing for most airline passengers w/ #United fiasco. Now all the entitled jerks on board will feel – and act- even more entitled.

NY police carted away 25 protesters today from Trump Tower. Next time Trump is threatening to use United agents & O’Hare security guards.

Former Buccaneers WR Louis Murphy yesterday for carrying a loaded gun in a backpack at Tampa airport, while Steelers CG Senquez Golson was arrested for carrying an unloaded Glock in his carry on at Mobile’s airport.
I know these United agents are scary but this is ridiculous.

Since Trump seems to like “the rocket’s red glare” so much can Jared & Ivanka just hook him up w/ a fireworks company for Mar-A-Lago?

Florida health inspectors cited Mar-A-Lago with 15 food violations this year. Who needs plutonium?

Jeffery Lord says  that Donald Trump is the “MLK of healthcare.”   More like “I have a nightmare.”

The Cape May, NJ GOP decided to pull support from Brian McDowell, a NJ Jersey State Assembly candidate after a video surfaced of him at a bar saying to a woman “Let me tell you right now. You should f–k me. It would really be good. Listen, you never know.”
McDowell is staying in the race, maybe hoping for an endorsement from the President?

After saying yesterday that things were “nasty” and ‘we’re not getting along with Russia at all’,” Trump today tweeted “Things will work out fine between the U.S.A. and Russia. At the right time everyone will come to their senses & there will be lasting peace!’
Gawd, can’t imagine how anyone might think Trump and Putin have a bromance going. #teenagelovespat

The dollar has fallen in the last two days after comments Trump made to the Wall Street Journal “I think our dollar is getting too strong, and partially that’s my fault because people have confidence in me.”
Is there ANYTHING in the world that isn’t all about him?

Keep calm and f*ck terrorism

March 22, 2017

lego

 

 

My favorite city in the world. And yes I would go back tomorrow. If we stop traveling the bad guys win.

This mural, btw,  is made completely out of Lego, in the London store – Leicester Square.

Wow. A reasonable and measured response. Maybe the rumors that Tillerson won’t last long as Secretary of State in this administration are true. “We condemn these horrific acts of violence, and whether they were carried out by troubled individuals or by terrorists, the victims know no difference,”

It’s always awful when innocent people are hurt. But Britain has very tight gun laws, at least London assailant wasn’t armed.

 

Four murdered, including a police officer, until the suspect himself was shot by police. Not just London, but today in Wisconsin. The suspect is an American man with a gun. Move along, nothing to see here.

CNN reports FBI has information indicating Trump campaign associates communicated “with suspected Russian operatives to possibly coordinate the release of information damaging to Hillary Clinton’s campaign.”
#Fakenews tweet from Donald in 3.2.1….

Ghanaian Soccer player Mohammed Anas, who made headlines when he thanked his wife AND girlfriend during an interview now says “My family knows that I call my daughter my girlfriend. That’s what I was talking about. I don’t have a girlfriend.”
Is Anas trying for a post in the Trump administration?

Trumpcare will not have a requirement to cover mental health. While Congress also reduces gun regulations. What could possibly go wrong?

 

Puerto Rico has seen enough of Brandon Crawford.  Late in tonight’s game what they really wanted to see is the 2016 SF Giants’ bullpen. #WBC

Just guessing  Ian Kinsler, who hit a home run after bashing Puerto Rico’s style of play, might want to plan his next Caribbean vacation somewhere other than San Juan?

Almost didn’t recognize Dodger Stadium for #WBC championship tonight. Stands were basically full in first inning. @espn

#BeckyHammon is apparently a finalist for the head coaching job at Florida. Alas it’s the women’s team. She can coach men. @Spurs

Roger Goodell says that the NFL will address when a commercial is followed by a kickoff and then followed by another commercial. “I hate that, too. Our goal is to eliminate it.”
By just running longer commercials after kickoffs?