Posted tagged ‘Starbucks jokes’

Punishments and maybe crimes.

August 23, 2019

 

New England safety Patrick Chung reported has been arrested and will be charged with of cocaine possession, This being the Patriots, let’s see how NFL makes sure any jail time or suspension is scheduled for after 2020 Super Bowl.

 

Baltimore Orioles pitchers gave up 259th home run of 2019, now breaking single-season record set by 2016 Reds.
With over a month left in season 300 is CLEARLY in sight.
Just imagine if the team played at Great American Ballpark or Coors?

Wait, now Starbucks announced that Pumpkin Spice Latte is returning Aug. 27. Along with Christmas decorations? WTF?

QANTAS plans to start a New York to Sydney flight, but first they will do test flights to study what happens to health of flight crews and passengers when they spend 19 hours on a plane.
Will the tests include being in a middle seat with crying babies on both sides?

Welcome to the USA. Have a client who has been sitting on the ground at SFO on an Air Canada plane for over 90 minutes after landing waiting for a gate…
Are we great yet?

So why did Sarah Huckabee Sanders just now join Fox News? Was she waiting to see if she could beat out Sean Spicer for DWTS?

Sean Spicer heads to “Dancing With The Stars.” Meanwhile Sarah Huckabee Sanders heads to Fox News “Dancing with the Truth.”

Even “Wag the Dog” thought when the President started a fake conflict it had to be over Albania. Guess they thought no one would believe…. GREENLAND?!!

Tom Cotton, defending Trump. “pointed several times to President Harry Truman’s attempts to buy Greenland from Denmark” in 1946.
Uh, President Harry Truman also proposed a universal health care program in 1945. …

So what’s next, Trump picks a fight with England when he decides he wants Queen Elizabeth to sell him his ancestral homeland of Scotland?

 

Really really miss the days when you could get on a flight without Wi-Fi for 5 hours and not anticipating landing with the thought “WTF did POTUS do now?”

Clowning around

January 4, 2017

 

Someone changed name of #Browns training facility on Google Maps to “Cleveland Clowns.” Prompting demands for an apology, from real clowns

 

But okay friends and readers, since someone went on Google Maps to put the name “Cleveland Clowns” on the Browns training facility, surely bright minds in California can come up with a equally creative map “fix” for the San Francisco 49ers corporate offices.

In a Thai National Park a French tourist who spotted a crocodile reportedly ignored warning signs and went off the trail to take a selfie with it. She is recovering in a local hospital with a leg bite. Another Darwin “missed it by THAT much.”

Last Sunday, a baggage handler for United Express ended up flying from Charlotte to Washington-Dulles accidentally locked inside the plane’s cargo hold,
Well, guess we know the answer to the question -what’s the next low fare option for United after “basic economy” fares?

Brent Musberger last night on Joe Mixon, who was seen on video hitting a woman and fracturing her face “He’s just one of the best, and let’s hope, given a second chance by Bob Stoops and Oklahoma, let’s hope this young man makes the most of his chance and goes on to have a career in the National Football League,”

Actually makes you long for the days when Brent was just ogling the Alabama QB’s girlfriend..

 

ESPN reports that a 32-year-old Starbucks barista won more than $900,000 in the Westgate Las Vegas SuperContest, the world’s most prestigious football handicapping contest.
Shouldn’t that report say “a FORMER Starbucks barista?”

Starbucks barista won over $900,000 in Westgate Las Vegas football handicapping SuperContest. Now he can at least afford his own coffee.

Last week McDonald’s opened a new location on the ground floor of a building owned by the Vatican, around the corner from St. Peters. Perfect for those who want to cheat on their diets and confess at the same time?

In Roane County, WV, a man who was just elected sheriff in November was arrested on his 3rd day on the job, allegedly for stealing meth from the evidence locker. West Virginia?! Time to catch up, Florida.

Three months after the robbery in Paris, Kim Kardashian West has officially returned to social media with a post on Instagram #Ourlongnationalnightmareisover #sarcasm

Megyn Kelly announced she is leaving Fox News. So congrats to all those who had January 3 in the pool.

House Republicans this morning dropped their plan from last night to gut the Office of Congressional Ethics. Who’s in on the pool with me as to when they reintroduce it?

The National Enquirer headline in checkout aisle touts “proof” that Obama was born in Kenya, and says “Trump already bringing dignity back to the White House.”
Standby for Trump tweeting that the Enquirer should be the US paper of record.

Julian Assange denied again that the Russian government was the source of Wikileaks’ hacked emails from the DNC and John Podesta. And why should we doubt the man who denounced censorship on the Kremlin’s “Russia Today” channel?

 

from Bill Littlejohn: “The Golf Channel honored Tiger Woods on his birthday Friday by airing a 15-hour marathon that chronicled his major championship highlights from the 1997 Masters to the 2008 U.S. Open, plus features on his life. In that case, shouldn’t there have been a couple of episodes from ‘Law and Order SVU’ thrown in?” . . .

The gift that keeps on giving

December 20, 2016

#Starbucks has come up with a Fruitcake Frappuccino. So will it be shelf stable so it can be re-gifted for years?

 

#SF49ers & #Rams play on December 24. Wait a minute, aren’t Americans supposed to wait until Christmas day for a traditional turkey?

NCAA gave Rutgers football notice of 7 possible violations. Can they threaten to make Scarlet Knights bowl-ineligible with a straight face?

Journey has been selected to the Rock and Rock Hall of Fame. Good omen for 2017 SF Giants? #dontstopbelieving

Fire crews were called to the Palace of Auburn Hills this morning. Two-alarm blaze, unknown origin. Well, something’s was on fire and it’s sure not the Pistons.

The Arizona Cardinals released Michael Floyd after his DUI arrest, his 2nd, along with two other “alcohol-related Incidents” at Notre Dame. Reportedly it wasn’t just the arrest but the wide receiver’s lack of remorse.
Now Floyd’s been picked up by the New England Patriots and is heading to the playoffs. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

 

 

A video posted to FB by a fan appears to show a security guard at Qualcomm masturbating during while the Chargers-Raiders played last Sunday. Disturbing, yes But on the other hand at least someone from San Diego got some pleasure out of that game.

Some complain Christian McCaffery should play for Stanford in the Sun Bowl, that it should be about the game and not the future money. Right, except that Stanford by ranking should have been in the Holiday Bowl in sunny San Diego. But instead the Cardinal are in El Paso, where it could snow on Christmas, and be tough conditions, because the Holiday Bowl bypassed them in hopes of getting more fans, i.e. money, from WSU, #karmadoesntlovebowlgames

 

#LenaDunham just said “I still haven’t had an abortion. But I wish I had.”  Now she apologized and said it was a  “distasteful joke”.  Sigh.  Proof positive that no political party or persuasion has a monopoly on stupid.

If the Democratic party wants to look ahead, and we should, here’s an example of the kind of thing to stop: Yesterday, only two electors defected from Trump; four Democratic electors refused to vote for Clinton.

Ugh, many dead from an explosion fireworks market in Mexico City. This is a time when the U.S. is poised to give up even more of our civil liberties, not to mention spend more money. in fighting terrorism. But at the same time the incoming administration wants to eliminate more safety regulations as anti-business….
Yes, terrorism kills. So does carelessness. #whatcouldpossiblygowrong?

Tough matchups

December 1, 2016

The 1-10 SF 49ers this Sunday take on the 2-9 Chicago Bears. The game promises to be almost as riveting as the Cleveland Browns vs. bye week

Who says there’s no good news anymore? MLB just announced that World Series home field advantage will no longer belong to the winner of the All-Star game, but to the pennant winner with the best record. #IblameObama

 

An English company is selling an advent calendar where each day brings a new small bite of cheese. Now if they can only figure out a way to add wine to that.

 

Our long national nightmare is over. #TIgerWoods is back playing on the PGA tour. At least until Friday.

A new report says Amazon, which has most of its employees in California and Washington, has eliminated 140,000 more retail jobs than they have created. What’s next? Tariffs on blue states?

 

 

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher have had a second child. To show there are no hard feelings, Kutcher’s ex-wife Demi Moore generously sent over some of Ashton’s old toys.

A new poll from the Kaiser Family Foundation found only about 25% of Americans want Trump to repeal Obamacare. Wonder what else voters hope he didn’t actually mean?

So according to Politico, first daughter Ivanka Trump wants to make climate change one of her signature issues. Could she start by convincing her father it is real?

 

Glad to hear #IvankaTrump has decided to make climate change one of her issues. Hoping this isn’t just because she wants to sell more coats.

First it was #Starbucks over cups, now it’s #Kelloggs over Breitbart. Some boycotting conservatives going to have a hard time w/ breakfast.

I could deal w/ @realDonaldTrump’s angry tweets a lot better if he occasionally directed them at some of his SUPPORTERS behaving badly.

The CEO of Levi Strauss wrote an open letter “Recently, we had an incident in one of our stores where a gun inadvertently went off, injuring the customer who was carrying it….. So, while we understand the heartfelt and strongly held opinions on both sides of the gun debate, it is with the safety and security of our employees and customers in mind that we respectfully ask people not to bring firearms into our stores, offices or facilities, even in states where it’s permitted by law. Of course, authorized members of law enforcement are an exception.”
And now some are calling for boycotting Levi’s. #weregoingtoneedabiggerbasket

Not with a bang nor a whimper

July 11, 2016

No farewell tour for Tim Duncan,  unless you say it was the same quiet tour he was on for almost two decades.

Of course unlike Kobe, Duncan figured his last season would extend beyond the regular season.

 

#‎TimDuncan‬ will be in Hall of Fame for many reasons. But this stat will probably never be matched again. He played 19 years, for ONE coach.

 

Draymond Green was arrested on assault charges in Michigan after what a police source called “basically an altercation between two guys.” And at this point, the Warriors and NBA have to be thinking “Well, at least it wasn’t a woman.”

Congrats to ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬ for being named NL All-Star game starting pitcher. Not a bad consolation prize for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ not getting Zack Greinke

 

You could have actually bet on the Home Run Derby winner tonight in Las Vegas. And if you seriously bet, and care, you just MIGHT have a gambling problem.

(But if you bet on Celebrity Softball you DEFINITELY have a problem.)

 

 

Ok, probably didn’t want to see him risk injury with 50 plus swings. But would have been fun to see a ‪#‎MadBum‬ cameo in ‪#‎HomeRunDerby‬

San Diego Padres All-Star Wil Myers today told the media “East Coast Mexican food is better than West Coast Mexican food.” Has someone checked Myers for concussions?

So many top ‪#‎NL‬ pitchers won’t be playing in this year’s All-Star game you’d almost think it was an Olympic event.

(or as my friend Steve L. says “or the GOP convention.)

Jordan Spieth is the latest golfer to withdraw from the Olympics. If this keeps up maybe Tiger Woods should consider going to Rio – he could win by attrition.

United flight from San Francisco to Frankfurt delayed almost two hours due to “catering difficulties.” Wouldn’t it have been faster to call Domino’s?

Starbucks is giving all US store employees and managers at least a 5% raise this year, plus improved stock benefits. And soon no doubt a generous low-interest loan payment plan for their regular customers.

#‎PokemonGO‬, the hottest new app in years, but it has security risks. As in players are likely to walk into trees. other people, & traffic.

Donald Trump today called himself the “law and order candidate.” As in “I make my own laws and don’t follow orders.”

GOP now pushing for a perjury probe against Hillary Clinton over her emails. Because of course they wanted the same probe with the Bush administration over those alleged WMDs. Oh, wait, never mind.

 

Got a free sample of Eye Repair Cream today, a solid white cream that claims to “reduce the look of dark circles and puffiness.” On the back – “For external use only.” ‪#‎beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

As ‪#‎BernieSanders‬ prepares to endorse ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ anyone but me half expect him to say at the last minute “Just kidding”?

 

With joke writing, you never know in advance about getting material, except this week – when Donald Trump will announce his running mate

Northern California mourning after

June 20, 2016

SF Giants looking like they’re the Bay Area team hungover after the Warriors loss.

President Obama waited with his family on Air Force One after the plane landed on Sunday at Andrews so he could watch the last two minutes of the NBA Finals game 7.  And during that time the President scored exactly as many points as the Warriors.

 

So if you count end of ‪#‎Game7‬ the ‪#‎Warriors‬ & ‪#‎SFGiants‬ have now been held scoreless for 4 minutes, 39 seconds & 9 innings.

On the subject of “best ever seasons,” the SF Giants have won 100 games or more three times, in 1962, 1993 and 2003. The first time they lost in 7 to the Yankees, the second time they didn’t make the playoffs, the third time they were bounced in the first round.
As a Giants fan I’ll take the more plebian 2010, 2012 and 2014 seasons.

Hard morning for ‪#‎Warriors‬ fans. But it’s got to hurt a little less when your last championship t-shirt doesn’t even have stains on it yet..

 

Although it didn’t work out with an RBI for the SFGiants, the Pirates pulled their starter in the 7th, because they didn’t want him to face Madison Bumgarner. No joke. #Pitcherswhorake.

Yuck. Four hikers died this weekend in Arizona, as Phoenix reached 118 degrees and Tucson reached 115. Awful, but isn’t hiking when the temperature is at oven temperature levels basically going for a Darwin award?

A Louisiana prosecutor has declined to charge two Alabama football players who were arrested last month on charges of possession of a controlled dangerous substance and illegal possession of a stolen firearm. D.A. Jerry Jones. “I want to emphasize once again that the main reason I’m doing this is that I refuse to ruin the lives of two young men who have spent their adolescence and teenage years, working and sweating, while we were all in the air conditioning.”
Who says there’s no compensation for playing college football?

A SF judge has ruled that two Starbucks customers can pursue their lawsuit claiming that the chain underfills their lattes. The plaintiffs say the chain currently considers the top layer of foamed milk as part of the total volume of the latte.
And of course if Starbucks did fill drinks to the brim without foam, someone would have sued over being burned by overflowing coffee.

 Both Scottie Pippin and Dennis Rodman have just said that the Warriors loss makes the 1995-96 Bulls the NBA’s best ever team. So are they planning to get together with the 1972 Miami Dolphins to crack open some champagne?
 The Senate failed to pass four gun control measures today, including one that would simply expand background checks from brick and mortar gun stores to gun shows and online purchases. Well, sure, because no one with “issues” thinking of committing a gun crime would ever think of going to a show or online. ‪#‎Profilesnotincourage‬ ‪#‎whollyownedsubsidiaryoftheNRA‬
So I think I’ve got this straight, GOP thinks it’s okay to profile Muslims in US but not to the extent of forbidding them to buy guns.
Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski has been fired. Shocking many who didn’t realize Trump had anybody running his campaign.
Wonder if Trump filmed the firing for a future segment of “The Apprentice?”
Donald Trump is now accusing Jeb Bush of working to try to oust him as the GOP nominee. Uh, leaving the paranoia aside, based on “Jeb!”s campaign, why would the Donald be worried about Bush actually accomplishing anything?
Somewhere even Richard Nixon has to be thinking that Donald Trump is more than a bit paranoid.
From TC ” Singer Don MacLean and his wife have finalized their divorce and a settlement of $10M has been agreed upon. So… “Bye Bye to a 10 million dollar piece of pie….”

Signs of spring.

February 23, 2016

Another sign of the apocalypse: The Chicago Cubs are 4-1 favorites to win the World Series this year.

Many SF Giants fans were broken-hearted when Pablo Sandoval left for Boston. As the pictures emerge of a even larger Panda at spring training for the Red Sox, just imagine how upset those fans would be if he’d signed that $90 million offered contract.

NASA has released an audio recording of Apollo 10 astronauts talking about “outer space type music” from the far side of the moon. Are they sure it wasn’t Pink Floyd?

Starbucks is changing their rewards program to give customers freebies based on dollars spent not number of visits. Which in most cases means double the visits for a freebie. So the coffee chain wants to be as beloved as the airlines?

 

Jean Boyd, the retired Texas judge who sentenced ‘affluenza’ teen Ethan Couch to probation in the first place, for his DUI crash that killed four people, says she doesn’t regret the sentence, and ‘don’t have all the facts’ simply don’t understand the logic behind her decision. Shocking. There was “logic” behind her decision? ‪#‎affluenzaiscatching‬?

Apparently a lot of GOP donors are switching to Marco Rubio. So they think he can out debate Hillary Clinton? Rubio couldn’t even out debate Chris Christie.

 ·

Donald Trump “I hear the Rickets family, who own the Chicago Cubs, are secretly spending $$$s against me. They better be careful, they have a lot to hide!” Almost expect to hear him say next “before someone drops a house on you too?”

So Ted Cruz has apparently asked his national spokesman Rick Tyler to step down, after the latest dirty tricks allegation, this time that the Cruz campaign deliberately posted a fake FB story about Rubio. Well, no worries, am sure it will take about 10 minutes for Tyler to be offered a job with Donald Trump.

Bob Dole has now endorsed Marco Rubio for President. Did Dole say Rubio is the best young candidate he has met since Abe Lincoln?

 

Horrible senseless killings in Kalamazoo. But since the San Bernardino killings basically meant all the GOP candidates wanted tougher regulations against immigrants, can expect the same candidates to call for government to impose tougher regulations against Uber drivers?

So apparently Barbara Bush was the one who got Jeb to drop out, to help preserve the family’s reputation. Shame Jeb didn’t listen to Mom before, when she said there had been “enough Bushes in the White House.”

T’is the season.

November 13, 2015

Apparently in Thursday night’s NFL game colorblind viewers couldn’t distinguish between the Buffalo Bills’ red uniforms & the NY Jets’ green uniforms. Worse yet, neither team’s uniforms featured Christmas symbols Where’s the protest from Christians?

If ‪#‎Starbucks‬ had just put out a plain holiday cup where people couldn’t decide what color it was they would have really broken the Internet.

Johnny Manziel, struggling with the Browns, is saying now he can’t see down the field because of his stature. And somewhere Drew Brees is just giggling.

A new police report says Heat guard Gerald Green, who was mysteriously suspended 2 games for “conduct detrimental to the team” apparently punched a man last week in Miami and was so combative that he needed to be handcuffed to be taken for medical help.
Is this just a blatant attempt by the NBA to steal headlines from the NFL?

Madison Bumgarner won another Silver Slugger award as the best hitting pitcher in baseball. Madbum is beginning to be to this award as Meryl Streep is to the Oscars.

Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s new “By the Sea” movie is likely to be a flop. “I feel so sorry for them both, what will they fall back on?” said nobody.

National Geographic is reporting “cougars are spreading back East after being confined to Western states for almost a century.” So maybe all the single rich geeky young men these days aren’t confined to California.

A councilman who oversaw the removal of public toilets in his town has been cited by police, for urinating in the street. Nope, not Florida. Scotland.

In 2014, the Department of Veterans Affairs apparently gave executives and other employees over $142 million in bonuses, despite scandals and allegations of mismanagement. So who says government can’t compete with the private sector?

Facebook, trying to compete with Snapchat, is experimenting with messages that will supposedly disappear after an hour. And if you believe they will COMPLETELY disappear, then you’re too stupid to think of a future run for office.

A member of the Secret Service has been charged trying to solicit a 14-year-old-girl on-line.(Turns out he was texting and email an undercover officer.) Makes you long for those innocent days when the Secret Service was just soliciting prostitutes.

Walter Palmer, the dentist who shot Cecil the lion, is now under investigation in Minnesota for illegal hunting activity. allegedly ‘herding deer back onto his land.” Can’t we take up a collection for this guy to go hunting with Dick Cheney?

The Chinese billionaire who bought the 12.03 carat “Blue Moon” diamond for $48.4 million, reportedly purchased it for his daughter, Josephine, age 7. Well, at least we know he has enough money for his daughter also to have years of therapy

The ISIS executioner known as Jihadi John has reportedly been ‘evaporated’ by a US drone strike; ‘killed in a flawless clean hit’ in Ragga, Syria. Can we blame Obama?

Donald Trump, slamming Ben Carson, and his rise in the Iowan polls = “How stupid are the people of Iowa? How stupid are the people of the country to believe this crap?”
Well.., maybe not stupid enough to vote for Trump?

You had one job.

November 10, 2015

The cover of the Washington Nationals 2016 calendar.  For the uninitiated, or merely nearsighted, yes, that is the Green Monster, and yes, that IS Fenway Park, (Boston.)

park

Regarding that Starbucks “no snowflakes on the Christmas cups” controversy. Uh, have any of those complaining actually checked the average weather in Bethlehem in December, or indeed any time in “winter?” There’s a reason those nativity scenes don’t have anyone including baby Jesus bundled up in a coat.

Donald Trump, jumping into the Starbucks fray. says “maybe we should boycott” the coffee chain. But added “if I become president, we’re all going to be saying, ‘Merry Christmas’ again. That I can tell you.”
Trump doesn’t even need to become President, if he just gets the 2016 nomination Hillary will be saying “Merry Christmas, and thank you Santa Claus.”

So when are we going to hear from the Jews that Starbucks not having an option of blue cups is disrespecting Hanukkah?

We interrupt the Starbucks cups and Pyramid/grain silos stories to bring you breaking political news. In response to a NY Times poll that has gone viral, Jeb Bush said “Hell yes, I would” kill baby Hitler….. ‪#‎beammeupScottiethereisnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

After the football team refused to play over “systemic” racism on campus, and the president’s handling of that racism, Tim Wolfe, the Univ. of Missouri president finally resigned this morning. Makes sense. Racism is serious. But football is REALLY serious.

Had to love it today.   Twitter knew security checkpoints at ‪#‎MIAAirport‬ were closed, ‪#‎AmericanAirlines‬ phone agents didn’t know, & it was THEIR planes.   Then their phone agents say “tell passengers to go talk to airport agents.”   Right. Both of the human agents left at airport could handle thousands of stuck people.

(the post security gate agents, as it turned out,  were sent out to mill around in the pre-security area with passengers…..where they were apparently equally clueless.  #tryingtomakeUnitedAirlines look good?)

An Ohio man with a blood alcohol level of .30 was arrested after he got a 9-year-old boy to drive him to get some barbecue sauce. (Store officials interceded and wouldn’t let the boy drive home.) Not sure on the guy’s bail and final charges, but I do see a major endorsement opportunity ahead. ‪#‎howmuchdoyouloveoursauce‬?

Reggie Bush is suing the city of St. Louis after he injured himself slipping on the concrete sideline during 49ers-Rams game Nov 1. Wonder if St. Louis will try to get the suit thrown out -under the grounds that Bush has no personal regard for his own well being as evidenced by him having dated a Kardashian.

So now “One Million Moms” is protesting American Girl Magazine for feature a family with four adopted children and gay fathers. Three words: “Pro-life my ass.”

The Carolina Panthers say they will replace an expensive banner that a Packers fan brought to yesterday’s game saying “Carolina Cheesehead,” this after Cam Newton tore the thing down and took it. Well, good to see the NFL can move quickly when it’s important violence against banners.

Bob Gibson turned 80 today. Wonder if he celebrated by brushing his grandchildren off the cake plate.

Walking the plank?

October 7, 2015

The 2015 98-win ‪#‎Pirates‬ are gone after 1 post-season game. The 1993 103-win ‪#‎Giants‬ would have liked 1 post-season game. ‪#‎Wildcard

‪For the second year in a row, the #‎Pirates‬ are out in post-season. But Pittsburgh is well on their way to becoming official MLB team of college basketball.  ‪#‎oneanddone‬

A new study found that Donald Trump supporters have the worst grammar on Facebook. And angry Trump fans are saying “Not true, my grammar is/was a great person, so is my grampa.”

Colin Kaepernick – “I don’t play for job security.” Good thing, as the 49ers QB isn’t playing like he’s going to have any.

A rainy June in Illinois wiped out a lot of this year’s U.S. pumpkin crop which may mean a canned pumpkin shortage by Thanksgiving. Stand by for Starbucks’ new “Zucchini Spice Latte.”

Sepp Blatter will reportedly be suspended for 90 days by FIFA’s ethics committee. Shocking. FIFA HAS an ethics committee?

The NFL is talking about playing some future games in Mexico. Talk about a way to undercut Trump’s allegations that criminals only come north across the border.

ESPN is reporting that NY Knicks coach Derek Fisher and Grizzlies forward Matt Barnes “were involved in an physical altercation” last weekend at the home of Barnes’ ex-wife. Who says the Knicks won’t make headlines this year?

The mother of the Oregon shooter is now saying when she was pregnant that she read “Trump’s Art of The Deal” to him as an unborn baby. Talk about a way to have a child start out thinking the world is an awful place.

Chuck E Cheese is going to expand their alcohol selection in order to appeal more to parents. Wonder how many drinks it will take before their food actually tastes like pizza?

Kevin McCarthy, backtracking on his comments implying that the Benghazi investigations in the House were a political weapon against Hillary Clinton: “I could have been more clear in my description of what was going forward.”
Uh, Rep. McCarthy. I think the problem was that you WERE crystal clear, and honest.

GOP House members today created a special committee on Wednesday to investigate Planned Parenthood. Could someone please ask Kevin McCarthy what the goals of the committee are?

Rupert Murdoch tweeted today in support of Ben Carson. “What about a real black President who can properly address the racial divide? And much else.” Assume Murdoch also considers Clarence Thomas a “real black” Supreme Court judge

-.

Ben Carson doubling down on his Oregon shooting comments: “I was chuckling at the silly reporters, at not being able to understand such a simple concept. If you know someone is going to kill you, and they’re going to systematically kill you one by one, why would you sit there and wait for them to do it?”
Can’t wait to hear someone ask him a question about rape.

Finally,  if you are reading this, guess the Rapture hasn’t happened yet. ‪#‎Doomsday‬

A tall order?

August 5, 2015

There are now rumors that Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is thinking of running for President. No word yet on a timetable, as Schultz knows it’s a venti decision.

skeeter

For SF Giants fans who really miss Pablo Sandoval, rookie Matt Duffy does have this cat.  Skeeter. Not photoshopped.   Maybe SF Giants fans need Skeeter hats?

Shelby Tomlinson and Matt Duffy apparently were housemates at AA Richmond last year.  The two of them together might have equaled one Panda.

Kobe Bryant says the Lakers “absolutely” can make the playoffs this year. The NBA playoffs? Or the NCAA tournament?

CVS says they will no longer include Viagra in its list of drug insurance benefits. The drugstore chain presumably thought it it wasn’t a hard decision.

Bill GM Doug Whaley said that Buffalo is “almost in quarterback purgatory” because the team do not have a franchise quarterback. And Jets fans after the last few years are thinking “Hmm, purgatory is a step up from hell.”

Some outrage over a hospital picture of Bobbi Kristina being on the cover of the National Enquirer. Alas probably the biggest outrage from competing media who didn’t get the photo.

Whole Foods has pulled $5.99 bottles of “asparagus water” from the shelves of a store in California, saying the items were a mistake. Nope, the mistake would have been actually buying the water.

So Carly Fiorina, despite being the only woman running for the GOP presidential nomination, is polling about 1% and will not be eligible for the first debate. 1%? Who knew most of the Republican electorate knows someone who worked at Hewlett Packard?

Teachers unions are demanding an apology after Chris Christie said they deserve “a punch in the face.” In the N.J. Governor’s defense, maybe people will believe him if he says he was talking about punch and cookies.

A U.S.Circuit Court of Appeals struck down a Texas law requiring residents to show ID before voting, saying it violates the Voting Rights Act. They’ll never please everyone, but maybe Texas could just write a law with the exact same requirements to vote as to buy a gun?

So the man who was shot and killed by police in a Nashville theater after attacking patrons, apparently had only been able to obtain pepper spray, a hatchet, and an air gun. So where’s the NRA on this one? ‪#‎Ifonlyhehadbeenarmed‬

From Bill Littlejohn “Yasiel Puig credits videogames with helping to end his slump.  Although fellow Dodgers are complaining about him flipping the joystick.”

If you’re reading this…. shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

March 18, 2015

Wonder what the once-again revamped Oakland As with all their new players will choose for their 2015 slogan. Think the NCAA may have already trademarked “One-and-done.”

 

Syracuse has announced men’s basketball coach Jim Boeheim will retire in three years. Interesting. Does this mean the Orangemen will make a “whatever it takes” push for the tournament in 2018, and then Boeheim will leave before they have to vacate the wins?

President Obama picked undefeated Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Out of habit many in the GOP were about to disagree with him then stopped thinking “We’re crazy but we’re not THAT stupid.”

 

#‎ESPN‬ headline: “President Obama: Cats wear crown.” Narrows it down to about six teams. ‪#‎Kentucky‬ ‪#‎Villanova‬ ‪#‎Arizona‬ etc. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

 

SMU coach Larry Brown said today the thought Kentucky would make the NBA playoffs in the East. And John Calipari no doubt is thinking, “That’s absurd. Make the playoffs?! We should be at least a 4 seed in the East? ”

Starbucks says it will start a delivery service in some parts of New York City later this year. For all those customers who can’t cross the street to get to the nearest branch?

Baltimore RB Bernard Pierce has become the third Raven arrested this off-season, in his case for DUI. Looking good for all those who bet the “over.”

Dallas has signed DE Greg Hardy to a one-year deal, although Hardy is still waiting for the NFL’s decision on a possible suspension for violating the league’s domestic conduct policy. Guess the Cowboys’ hating season is starting early this year.

Donald Trump has formed a Presidential Exploratory Committee for 2016 saying “I am the only one who can make America truly great again!” Make America “truly great?” Trump can’t even do a great job with that furry thing that lives on his head.

 

From Alex Kaseberg ” the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament are set. The general consensus is Kentucky will win unless, in the last two minutes of the championship game, they are coached by Pete Carroll.

The body of a man who was seen falling off the Carnival Triumph on Tuesday, the last night of a 5-day cruise, was found this morning. On the bright side, at least he didn’t have to pay his St. Patrick’s Day bar bill.

T.J. Maxx has pulled a T-shirt from its stores when a customer in Florida complained. The shirt featured the phrase “Hang Loose,” along with a noose. The question here isn’t why they pulled the shirt, but who was stupid enough to try to sell it in the first place?

Louisiana Rep. John Fleming just said Obama’s executive action on immigration is part of a “grand plan” to fix elections.

Because undocumented immigrants will have driver’s licenses, and in “many states, the only thing that are (sic) required to vote is simply an ID, well they’ll have one….. this is a part of a grand plan for the Democrat Party to make this nation into a single party state, as they have already accomplished in California, and you see the devastating impact it’s having there.”

‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, on so many levels.

Not so good tidings…..

December 5, 2014

NPR is reporting that due to intelligence about a possible planned terrorist attack on a passenger plane to Europe around Christmas, airlines are considering banning carry-on luggage on such flights. Of course, even if they determine the threat isn’t serious, airlines could do that anyway to get more checked baggage fees.

A Nebraska Cornhuskers football player tried to take a selfie with a raccoon, which then bit him. So he killed the animal to have it tested for rabies. Shame he hadn’t tried a selfie with a bear. Would be one more live animal and one more Darwin winner.

Ah technology. Since negotiations between Dish Network and CBS broke down, Dish subscribers abruptly were blacked out from all CBS programming, including non-cable shows. No doubt setting off an “Amazing Race” to the phones to complain to customer service.

Rumors have it that ‪#‎TimTebow‬ is now “dating” one of the ‪#‎Duggars‬  (19  kids and counting) daughters. Which means the former NFL QB still isn’t scoring.

Nationals OF Jayson Werth was found guilty of reckless driving and sentenced to 10 days in jail for driving 105 mph on the Capital Beltway. Washingtonians are stunned, when can you find space to get up to 105 mph on the Beltway?

Sounds like last night’s show should have been titled ‪#‎PeterPanDead‬ ‪#‎PeterPanLive‬

The Columbia Lions have lost 21 straight football games. Today coach Pete Mangurian, who has been accused both of being abusive and of ignoring head injuries by 25 of his players, has resigned. Wonder if he was forced out for the alleged abuse, or for losing 21 straight games?

 

On Friday, Starbucks is opening their first “Reserve Roastery and Tasting Room” in Seattle, a 15,000 sq ft showplace where customers can watch “Reserve” beans being roasted, take classes, and of course, purchase premium beans, food and drinks. Translation, the perfect place for those who don’t think they are overpaying enough already for coffee.

 

Headline “FSU loses RB Williams for ACC title game.” Apparently he hasn’t been cleared after a concussion last week. Well, we knew it wasn’t academics or off-field antics. Then Williams would have been suspended for something like the first series of downs.

A back to back item from Canadian comic Torben Rolfsen and Bill Littlejohn,, on Mickey Rourke, 62, making a pro boxing comeback in Russia by beating an opponent 33 years his junior:

 

Rolfsen “Don’t the San Antonio Spurs do that every week?”   Littlejohn “I heard Mickey’s prize move was the Ali Shuffleboard.”

Let the fun begin, (for SFGiants fans) the Los Angeles Times reported that Andre Ethier told the Dodgers he wanted to play every day in the outbound, and not go back to a 5-6 man rotation. But Either said this wasn’t a “play-me-or-trade-me ultimatum.” Sounds like same circus, same monkeys.

 

Commie pinko time:

Two SF police officers were convicted today of several felony counts each of stealing from criminal suspects. They had been charged with taking thousands of dollars found in searches of drug dealers. Of course, had they just shot the suspects….

Yet more accusers coming forward about Bill Cosby. Although apparently these allegations have been around for quite a while. But it took a bit by a young black male comedian, Hannibal Burress, to really break the story. So maybe what we’re talking here isn’t so much racism, as sexism.

 

 

 

Time passages.

September 27, 2014

For anyone who has been, or still is, an ugly duckling. I give you this picture from Time Magazine;

george

 

(George Clooney)

 

Apparently Alex Rodriguez is getting in shape and preparing for his return to the Yankees after a year’s suspension. It’s enough to make you long for another Derek Jeter farewell retrospective.

 

Starbucks is apparently trying out a new latte that’s supposed to taste like Guinness. One word. “Why?”

MLB Executive V.P. Joe Torre changed a hit against  Felix Hernandez last Tuesday to an error, making four runs later in that inning unearned.  And dropping the Seattle ace pitcher’s ERA by .16.  Which gives him a chance ot win the ERA title.

Next up, MLB will try to figure out what they have to change to give the Yankees and Derek Jeter a spot in the playoffs.

#‎Stanford‬ managed to beat Washington today.  Despite proving again that they may be the best in college football with the ‪#‎redzone‬ “prevent offense.”

 

 

So Eric Bolling’s wife is apparently the reason the FOX News host apologized for his “boobs on the ground” joke about the female fighter pilot: Perhaps a bit of understatement: “I made a joke and when I got home, I got the look, and realized some people didn’t think it was funny at all,’

 

The Milwaukee Brewers are retiring #1 for Bud Selig. And across the rest of baseball, fans are joining in by holding up one finger.

From Dwight Perry: “Oakland Raiders are in London this weekend to play the Miami Dolphins. Don’t know how the football game will go, but the Black Hole is favored by 2½ over the soccer hooligans.”

The only good thing about Michigan’s season? Other FBS teams should be lining up to offer the Wolverines million dollar payouts to play them.

Yet more celebrity nude pictures have been hacked and posted online. Maybe it’s time to buy stock in Polaroid.

 

Florida State barely escaped with a win over North Carolina State. Maybe all those police interviews are tiring Jameis Winston out.

Misremembering and misbehaving.

July 3, 2014

Today, U.S. coach Jurgen Klinsmann now says he believed team USA could have won the World Cup — even though he said the exact opposite before they started playing. So maybe Klinsmann’s goal isn’t to be a winning coach, but a politician.

 

The Yankees were swept by the Rays and have now joined the Red Sox in having sub .500 records. Stand by for Bud Selig and MLB to implement emergency 16 team NBA-type playoffs..

 

Okay, maybe your baseball team is suffering. But I think Boston “wins” the week by being swept by the Chicago Cubs. Capped off by a 16-9 loss tonight. Talk about “50 Shades of Red Sox.”

 

But as T.C. says “Cubs 16; Red Sox 9. Boston doesn’t need hitting, they need Tom Brady!!!!”

Toronto mayor Rob Ford, just out of rehab, says “he can’t imagine” saying the things he said about black people, Jews and Italians. “When you have this disease, you say things, do things that aren’t you.” And Donald Sterling said “Why didn’t I think of that?

In England, the lawyer for ex-“News of the World” editor Andy Coulson, convicted of phone hacking, is pleading for a reduced sentence. The claim, that no one in the newspaper industry “realized that interception of voicemail messages was illegal, in the sense of criminal.” Ah, what, Coulson thought it was only immoral?

Target is asking customers, even those in “open carry” states, to leave their firearms at home. And really, who needs a gun while shopping anyway? Well, outside the first hour or so of a “Black Friday” sale.

At a Starbucks with line out the door, young woman is not only ordering for herself, but texting back and forth with a friend as to what kind of iced tea the friend wants. When she has finally paid, and line has grown, gal then pulls two Starbucks gift cards from her wallet and says “Can you verify the balances on these for me?” Beginning to see there just MIGHT be a reason for “open carry.”

Car in front of me on way to work had a “student driver” sign on it. Of course, it might have been obvious, the driver was actually using turn signals.

 

Protesters this week blocked buses containing undocumented immigrants from entering the Southern California  town of Murrieta. Said one woman “”I just wish America would be America again.” “Amen,” responded Native Americans.

 

Rick Perry has given up wearing cowboy boots. Allegedly as a way to soften his Texas image as he runs for President again in 2016. Amazing. For appealing to a national audience, guns aren’t dangerous but boots are?

 

Louisiana Rep. Vance McAllister, elected on a “Christian Family Values” platform, became known as the “kissing congressman” when he was seen on video making out with a staffer, McAllister said he would step down but now says he will seek re-election in November. Well, makes sense. He changed his mind about “forsaking all others” too.

Winning isn’t everything….

August 28, 2013

Wow. NJ Gov. Chris Christie called a NY Daily News reporter an “idiot” The paper fired back with a headline “Who you calling an idiot, fatso!” Almost enough to make you look forward to the 2016 Presidential election…

Tim Tebow has survived the latest cut and looks like he may make the Patriots final roster. Not sure about New England fans but comedy writers everywhere are saying “Thank you, Jesus!”

 

 

An international jury began hearings today into allegations that Larry Ellison’s Oracle Team USA illegally modified boats in this year’s America’s Cup. Well, and who’d ever think Larry Ellison would cheat at anything.

A upcoming Rolling Stone article apparently alleges that while Aaron Hernandez was at the University of Florida, coach Urban Meyer “may have covered up failed drug tests along with two violent incidents” including a drive-by shooting. That would be shocking, responded absolutely no one.

 

Is no sport sacred? United States skater Simon Cho has been banned from competing for two years after confessing he had tampered with a Canadian’s skates at the 2011 world team short-track championships in Poland. Next we’ll be hearing about tampering with curling stones.

According to his lawyer, George Zimmerman will ask the state of Florida to reimburse him up to $300,000 of his legal expenses. Wonder if that means Zimmerman will then turn around and give some of the donations to his legal fund to the state?

 

Alex Rodriguez is now 10 homers away from tying Willie Mays for 4th on the all time career list. Per his contract, this would mean a $6 million bonus. Which gives the Yankees 6 million more reasons to wish A-Rod would go away.

Just guessing, for the forseeable future, if Disney televises anything featuring alums from their past shows, they are not likely to invite Miley Cyrus?

 

In Brooklyn, an alleged cellphone thief was caught when he tripped over his own sagging jeans. Karma is not only a bitch, she apparently really is part of the fashion police.

 

 

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says the company will not cut staff or benefits in anticipation of next year’s Obamacare changes. To be fair, Schultz also didn’t say that Starbucks will not double coffee prices either.

Okay, for the longest MLB home run in 2013 who had Hunter Pence, 476 feet tonight? Now all of you liars put your hands down.

 

Tom Tolbert made an interesting point on  KNBR radio about Johnny Manziel’s six hour conversation with NCAA officials. How long does it take to say “Did you get paid for signing autographs?” “Are you sure?”….

 

Smelly business.

June 17, 2013

The Oakland As and Seattle Mariners both had to use the Oakland Raiders’ locker room to shower after yesterday’s game with a sewage problem at the aging Coliseum created smelly pools of water in both clubhouses. Wonder how long it will take Bud Selig to appoint a “Blue Ribbon Committee” to look into the problem.

Love it. Some folks in Starbucks chatting about the whole government surveillance thing as the cheery gal behind the counter is getting a guy to sign up for a loyalty program that will reward – and track – every single purchase.

By a 7-2 vote, the Supreme Court today rejected an Arizona law asking voters to provide additional proof of citizenship beyond an oath for voter registration. Thomas and Alito dissented on states’ rights grounds. So where’s this “states rights” stuff when it comes to things like marijuana legalization?

Some travelers in Arizona claim they see the image of Jesus in a smudge on the floor at Phoenix’s Sky Harbor airport. Airlines aren’t sure, but are trying to figure if they can charge a “See our Lord and Savior” fee.

Mon dieu! In Nov, Michael Applebaum took over as interim Montreal mayor, vowing to “end an era of sleaze” when the previous mayor resigned over corruption allegations. Today Applebaum was arrested and charged with 14 criminal counts including fraud, breach of trust and conspiracy. Where do these Canadians think they are? Louisiana?

A stone-cutter who engraved Ed Koch’s tombstone accidentally put Dec 12, 1942 instead of 1924 on the marble No word if he was fired. But on a brighter note, the engraver immediately got future job offers from most of the women in Hollywood.

Ah, SEC football. Florida LB Antonio Morrison was arrested for allegedly punching a Gainesville, FL bar bouncer who wouldn’t waive the cover charge after he said “I am Antonio, I am a UF football player”    Morrison, a 19 year old sophomore,  plans to plead not guilty and told police he was intoxicated at the time.

The FBI is digging up a field near Detroit looking again for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa. I have an idea, how about we quit using all this taxpayer money and just offer a flat finder’s fee to whoever can find his bones. Let the private sector do it….

So Clayton Kershaw says leaks about his possible $300 million contract negotiations are “distracting.” Hey, you’d think he’d welcome a distraction from the way the Dodgers are playing.

For anyone who actually listened to #MissUtah’s answer at #MissUSA pageant will agree, in her case we really did need to create education better.

All the talk is about Miss Utah and “creating education.” But Miss Connecticut, who won Miss USA, was asked about with the Supreme Court ruling that police could subject criminal suspects to a DNA test. And simply said “I think if somebody is being prosecuted and has committed a crime that’s that severe, they should have a DNA test.” Might have been fun to ask her what a DNA test was?

(or as my friend Michael says, “If she wanted time to study for it.”)

 

The comedy gods taketh away, and the comedy gods giveth. Iran elected a “moderate cleric” to replace President Ahmadinejad. But over on Fox News, Sarah Palin is back.

 

Walt Disney World has started charging a $5 premium  ($101 to $96) for single-day tickets for the Magic Kingdom in Florida, compared to the other three – Animal Kingdom,  Hollywood Studios and Epcot.  Some think this is because the Magic Kingdom is the best park.  Although as the only one of the four without alcohol, maybe Disney figures they need to make up what they can’t make on beer sales

Mission accomplished.

December 27, 2012

Another year, another superhuman effort by Santa Claus to deliver millions of toys overnight without a break. Wonder how long until he and the reindeer get investigated for Adderall?

Netflix’s video streaming service crashed Christmas Even.. Oh, the horror!. Thousands and thousands of Americans were actually forced to talk to their relatives.

Ben Affleck has announced that he won’t seek John Kerry’s Senate seat. Bipartisan bummer for women. If Affleck ran against Scott Brown it might the best looking Senate race in history.

Syracuse suspended two players from their upcoming New Era Pinstripe Bowl game. Shocking! Syracuse is playing in a bowl game?

 

Mark Zuckerberg’s sister Randi  was upset when a casual family photo she posted on Facebook ended up reposted on Twitter,  saying the person who did it she was “way uncool,” and saying to “always ask permission before posting a friend’s photo publicly. It’s not about privacy settings, it’s about human decency.”  “Gosh, those FB settings are confusing, and I’m really sorry that happened to your family” said absolutely nobody.

A picture of President Obama hugging Michelle on election night has become the most re-tweeted photo ever. A surprised Bill Clinton asked “You can hug your own wife?”

A 30 foot whale was found Wednesday morning on a New York beach. It would of course be inappropriate to make a Chris Christie joke here.

Alas for Pacers fans, bad weather forced the cancellation of tonight’s game in Indianapolis. Alas for Wizards fans the weather in Washington was fine.

Anyone but me thinking it was a lot easier and more fun to root against the Los Angeles Lakers before Steve Nash came back?

 

Wednesday was the first day of the after-Christmas sales. You know what that means – only about a week until the first Valentine’s Day sales.

Okay, who’d a thunk this? A hot NBA upcoming ticket is the Warriors vs. Clippers.

Starbucks employees will be writing “come together” on customers’ cups Dec 27-28 as a message for Congress to avoid the fiscal cliff.. Leaving aside the fact that more colorful language might be more appropriate, maybe we should just threaten to cut off their coffee until they come up with a deal.

 

Primary day.

June 5, 2012

Open note to all Californians. On June 5, please remember to vote – lots of primary races plus Propositions. Not voting means that until the next election you will have forfeited all bitching rights.

A beer at the London Olympics will cost $11 USD this summer. $11?! “Is the government subsidizing prices”, asked Yankees fans?

The Kings are one win away from the Stanley Cup after their 4-0 win tonight over the Devils. Not to say that sports fans in Los Angeles really don’t get hockey, but when told the score many commented “Nice shutout, who was pitching?”

Of the top 20 picks in today’s MLB draft, 12 were chosen right out of high school. Which means they’ll spend about as much time in college classes as most of the NBA “One and dones.” –

George Zimmerman’s lawyer said Zimmerman made a “mistake” not revealing he had raised over $100,000 at his original bail hearing, adding “We feel the failure to disclose these funds was caused by fear, mistrust, and confusion.” Uh, “fear, mistrust and confusion.” Sounds like part of what got Trayvon Martin shot in the first place. –

Celene Dion admitted on the Today show about “My Heart Will Go On,” that “If I just count how many times I’ve sung it, maybe it’ll get me sick.” Millions of Americans said, “Join the club, honey.” –

A CNN Electoral Map says the 2012 Presidential election will come down to only 7 contested states – Colorado, Florida, Iowa , Nevada, New Hampshire, Ohio and Virginia. Isn’t it nice to know our founding fathers fought for a system that makes our individual votes for president in the other 43 states basically meaningless? –

Starbucks just bought a small SF bakery chain (La Boulange) to start adding French pastries to their food offerings. Coming soon, the $10 croissant?

The SF Giants say that Freddy Sanchez, whose return has been slowed most recently by back issues, may start taking some light batting swings. When Sanchez returns to the lineup will the giveaway at A T & T Park be plastic flying pigs? –

The two largest counties in Florida have stopped purging voter names after a Department of Justice said it was illegal. In their defense, state officials said that with recent actions in Arizona, Florida had felt they needed to move fast to keep their “Craziest State in the Union” status.

Since contract talks with the NFL Referees Association “remain unresolved” the NFL said they will immediately begin to hire and train replacement officials, adding “our goal is to maintain the highest quality of officiating for our teams, players, and fans.” Uh “maintain?” Really?  –

The Washington Wizards will stay with formerly interim coach Randy Wittman for next season. Makes sense, who else would want the job?

Donald Trump now says he is not a racist because he picked Arsenio Hall as the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. Right. So what’s next, the Donald will go to the NBA finals and say he should be elected president of the NAACP?

From Bill Littlejohn:   Last week was the 75th birthday of the  Golden Gate Bridge. It’s the only man-made thing on Earth suspended longer than Sean Payton.

 

Red, red, whine…..

April 20, 2012

After an outcry from vegans, Starbucks is changing its Strawberry Soy Frappucino recipe to eliminate a common red dye made from crushed cochineal bugs, in favor of a tomato-based extract. Here’s a radical idea, what about using strawberries?

Newt Gingrich is apparently still getting Secret Service protection. Although at this point the security detail has been reduced to three people. Curiously, that’s about as many as his remaining supporters.”


An Alabama football player has been hospitalized following a fight where shots were fired. What’s was the kid doing, trying to get on the draft radar for the Cincinnati Bengals?

The Colts have apparently told Andrew Luck he’ll be their #1 pick. In related news a Kenyan won the Boston Marathon.

Carnival-owned Princess Cruises doing an internal investigation because one of their ships allegedly ignored a small boat in distress and two men died. Will the captain’s defense be that he just thought it was another Costa captain who fell into a lifeboat?

About 50 students at Berkeley High School in California will be suspended and two or three expelled for a scheme where they got into the school’s computer and were able to change their attendance record for several months. Wonder how many high tech companies have offered the kids who were involved jobs?

Bud Selig said today that the Oakland A’s need a new stadium to survive, but he has “no timetable” for the resolution of their territorial rights issue with the Giants, an issue Selig formed a “blue ribbon committee” for over 3 years ago. Even Brett Favre is saying “Make up your bleeping minds.”

Arkansas AD Jeff Long says he has 25 pages of detailed notes from ex-coach Petrino and Jessica Dorrell about their relationship. Now court documents say John Edwards’ trial will include “intimate voice-mail messages” between him and Rielle Hunter. Which of these wins the TMI award?

Former Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino told his boss that his affair with Jessica Dorrell only began last fall when they were sitting in a car eating lunch and she said “are you going to kiss me?” Where’s the “Just say No” campaign when you need it.

Petrino said his affair with Jessica Dorrell lasted about 5 months and was over in February. Right. Nothing says a relationship is over like a secret motorcycle ride for two at midnight.

SMU hired Larry Brown as their head men’s basketball coach. Brown, 71, hasn’t coached since he looked over-the-hill in 2010 and left the Charlotte Bobcats with a 9-19 record. Considering the Bobcats this year are 7-54, Larry now looks like a genius by comparison.

Obama re-election campaign offering supporters a chance to enter a raffle for dinner with the President and Georgy Clooney. Wonder if Romney campaign will counter with a raffle for Mitt and Ted Nugent?

A Delta Airlines flight leaving JFK Airport today hit a flock of birds and had to return for an emergency landing. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the birds.

The way the San Jose Sharks playing Thursday night looks like someone pulled the plug on their power plays.

The Vatican is blasting the “Leadership Conference of Women Religious”, a U.S. group they say sponsors conferences that feature “radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith,” including supporting Obamacare. The members of this “liberal” group? 55,000 American nuns..

From Marc Ragovin: “As Jamie Moyer labored to get his record setting win at age 49, many wondered if he would make it out of the seventh inining. Literally.”


And open note to readers. ESPN.com has decided to put their fun weekly Top 10 Readers Lines on a given subject on hiatus at least for a while. So to very partially fill in the hole, I’m going to try a few Top 10’s on this blog. First week – “10 ten signs lines about how old Jamie Moyer is” Reader suggestions encouraged in comments. Aiming for Monday morning post.

(and yes, I know this is like shooting fish in a barrel. With a musket.)