Posted tagged ‘basketball jokes’

Following the tainted money?

September 26, 2017

FBI says sting found multiple bribes, payouts involving Arizona, Auburn, Oklahoma State & USC. There’s corruption in NCAA basketball, I’m shocked.

Meanwhile, at Louisville, men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino expressed “complete shock” that his university is also involved in the investigation.

Pitino is shocked?  He’s like the guy overseeing gambling in Casablanca.

Auburn & USC are two of schools snared in NCAA men’s basketball sting. Tigers & Trojans fans are just glad it wasn’t their football teams.

 

Ah for the days when #SFGiants really and truly sucking in 2017 would have been one of things folks in Bay Area were most upset about.

If we got rid of national anthem before sporting events could eliminate controversy AND shorten game times. #winwin

Peyton Manning reportedly a “possible” 2018 candidate for U.S. Senate. Will his campaign be sponsored by Budweiser and Papa John’s?

Repeal of Obamacare will not come to a vote. So officially dead, again. For now. Forget Trumpcare we should call this GOP mess Zombiecare

AG Sessions gave a talk on free speech at Georgetown. Protesters were banned from the speech. #WhyThereIsNoSatire

 

Reportedly Khloe Kardashian is pregnant with  Cavs’ Tristan Thompson’s baby. Odds just went up  for Warriors to be disinvited again as champions  in 2019 by White House.

So Twitter is going to 280 characters? Waiting for the Trump tweet taking credit.

Trump couldn’t get Hurricane Relief to Puerto Rico as “it’s an island.” Somehow 1 of those athletes he trashes, Tim Duncan made it to USVI.

Trump on Puerto Rico- “It’s very tough because it’s an island.” Hawaiians praying they never need federal help while he’s in office. #WTF?

 –

New poll of 2,200 Americans found 54% knew Puerto Ricans are US citizens. Would love to see same folks polled about Hawaiians.

Maybe it would be simpler to learn who in the Trump White House HASN’T used personal email for government business?

In Palm Beach Gardens, a woman was arrested allegedly for trying to run down her lover with her Mercedes.   Her intended victim happened to be her daughter’s husband. She told police he had recently told his wife about the affair, and the “revelation ruined her relationship with her daughter.”
Back on your game, Florida.

From Marc Ragovin  “So it looks like Trump will no longer invite nfl or nba teams to White House celebrations. “That is really gonna affect our plans,” said nobody on the Knicks.”

 

A numbers game

March 16, 2016

This year like every year with the NCAA tournament many Americans fantasize about a 16 beating a 1. Well, the Lakers DID beat the Warriors….

 

Sellout crowd in Dayton for a ‪#‎FirstFour‬ game between Tulsa and Michigan. Just guessing there isn’t a lot to do in Dayton.

Researchers are now saying that CTE could result from any contact sports. So maybe when Roger Goodell said that the risk playing youth football was similar to the risk of “sitting on your couch” he meant if your team’s play on Sunday (or in March Madness)  caused you to start banging your head into the wall.

 

Apparently some of the Chicago Cubs are not happy with the new rules banning smoke-less tobacco for players at Wrigley Field. John Lackey” “We’re grown men. People in the stands can have a beer, but we can’t do what we want? That’s a little messed up.”
Uh, people in the stands can bet on the game at casinos too.

Adam LaRoche retired and is giving up $13 million because the White Sox say he can’t keep bringing his 14 year-old son into the clubhouse. Just thinking if LaRoche hit say, .297 instead of the.207 he hit year the team would have not only still allowed the kid but designed him bats and washed his uniforms.

One of United Airline’s new security questions for their Mileage Plus accounts is “What month is your best friend’s birthday?” And millions of men are going “WTF, I’m lucky if I can remember what month is my WIFE’S birthday.”

At the Cincinnati Zoo today, a polar bear got out of its enclosure, but apparently has been “contained.” Who knows the reason for the escape. Maybe the bear thought it had a right to be armed?

Donald Trump says “there could be riots” if he loses the nomination. As opposed to the riots if he wins it?

So if Senate GOP won’t even consider Merrick Garland, who even Judge Roberts likes, they are saying they think they’ll get a better option from President Trump or Clinton? ‪#‎batshitcrazy‬

So if Hillary Clinton gets elected but the Dems don’t take back the Senate will Mitch McConnell declare in January 2017 that since it is only 36 months until the last year of her term it would be inappropriate to consider any pick she makes for the Supreme Court?

So now some Republicans are saying they might consider President Obama’s Supreme court pick in November if Clinton wins the election. At which point Obama should pull back Garland and nominate someone to the left of RBG.

Apparently a new Donald Trump ad against Hillary ad has footage of Clinton barking like a dog to mimic still another ad against her last month. The tag line? “We don’t need to be a punchline!”
And someone in the Trump campaign wrote that with a straight face….

Jerry Springer said of the GOP primary “if they’re going to do my show, they should start paying me.” Are you kidding, there’s no way the Republican debates and primary process have had the calm, reasoned maturity of the Jerry Springer show. ‪#‎bycomparison‬

“The president told me several times he’s going to name a moderate  but I don’t believe him. [Obama] could easily name Merrick Garland, who is a fine man. He probably won’t do that because this appointment is about the election. So I’m pretty sure he’ll name someone the [liberal Democratic base] wants.”
Senator Orrin Hatch,  MARCH 13, 2016.
I do not think I would play chess with Obama.

If you’re reading this…. shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

March 18, 2015

Wonder what the once-again revamped Oakland As with all their new players will choose for their 2015 slogan. Think the NCAA may have already trademarked “One-and-done.”

 

Syracuse has announced men’s basketball coach Jim Boeheim will retire in three years. Interesting. Does this mean the Orangemen will make a “whatever it takes” push for the tournament in 2018, and then Boeheim will leave before they have to vacate the wins?

President Obama picked undefeated Kentucky to win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. Out of habit many in the GOP were about to disagree with him then stopped thinking “We’re crazy but we’re not THAT stupid.”

 

#‎ESPN‬ headline: “President Obama: Cats wear crown.” Narrows it down to about six teams. ‪#‎Kentucky‬ ‪#‎Villanova‬ ‪#‎Arizona‬ etc. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

 

SMU coach Larry Brown said today the thought Kentucky would make the NBA playoffs in the East. And John Calipari no doubt is thinking, “That’s absurd. Make the playoffs?! We should be at least a 4 seed in the East? ”

Starbucks says it will start a delivery service in some parts of New York City later this year. For all those customers who can’t cross the street to get to the nearest branch?

Baltimore RB Bernard Pierce has become the third Raven arrested this off-season, in his case for DUI. Looking good for all those who bet the “over.”

Dallas has signed DE Greg Hardy to a one-year deal, although Hardy is still waiting for the NFL’s decision on a possible suspension for violating the league’s domestic conduct policy. Guess the Cowboys’ hating season is starting early this year.

Donald Trump has formed a Presidential Exploratory Committee for 2016 saying “I am the only one who can make America truly great again!” Make America “truly great?” Trump can’t even do a great job with that furry thing that lives on his head.

 

From Alex Kaseberg ” the NCAA men’s college basketball tournament are set. The general consensus is Kentucky will win unless, in the last two minutes of the championship game, they are coached by Pete Carroll.

The body of a man who was seen falling off the Carnival Triumph on Tuesday, the last night of a 5-day cruise, was found this morning. On the bright side, at least he didn’t have to pay his St. Patrick’s Day bar bill.

T.J. Maxx has pulled a T-shirt from its stores when a customer in Florida complained. The shirt featured the phrase “Hang Loose,” along with a noose. The question here isn’t why they pulled the shirt, but who was stupid enough to try to sell it in the first place?

Louisiana Rep. John Fleming just said Obama’s executive action on immigration is part of a “grand plan” to fix elections.

Because undocumented immigrants will have driver’s licenses, and in “many states, the only thing that are (sic) required to vote is simply an ID, well they’ll have one….. this is a part of a grand plan for the Democrat Party to make this nation into a single party state, as they have already accomplished in California, and you see the devastating impact it’s having there.”

‪#‎cantfixstupid‬, on so many levels.

Opening day, and night, and twilight….

March 30, 2014

So the Dodgers have already played 2 regular season games in Australia, and now got the ESPN Opening Sunday night game? What, did the Yankees turn MLB down?

 

So Brian Wilson came in with a 1-0 lead in the 8th, and gave up 3 runs in a 3-1 Dodgers loss to the San Diego Padres. Welcome to Torture, Los Angeles.

In an article to be published in “Management Science,” researchers found that umpires were 16% more likely to call a ball a strike for a five-time All Star than for a pitcher who had never been in the All-Star game. And the the bias “was even stronger when the pitcher had a reputation for precise control” (like Greg Maddux.) Baseball fans are looking for the accompanying article saying water is wet.

 

Jeopardy is turning 50 this week. What is “What is that question I can’t remember” for $600. Alex?

That profanity-accompanied sound you heard at #ESPN and in the #WhiteHouse is a lot of shredding brackets.#UConn #MarchMadness

 

So wonder how long it will take FOX to claim that President Obama’s picking MSU to win it all was the reason the Spartans lost in the Elite Eight?

Texas A&M QB Kenny Hill, 19, has been suspended indefinitely following his arrest for public intoxication. Maybe when Aggie fans told Hill he could be the next Johnny Football, they should have been more specific.

There were riots last night in Tucson after the University of Arizona’s men’s basketball team lost in the Elite 8. Scary to imagine what would have happened if the Wildcats had actually won it all.

 

The GOP is claiming that the last minute rush to meet the Obamacare deadline March 31 is a sign of the weakness of the legislation. Of course had it been President Romney in charge the Republican narrative would have been about setting limits to motivate people.

In Washington, a sign of the apocalypse? “Wizards can clinch playoff spot tonight. #IblameObama

 

Cal basketball coach Mike Montgomery may be retiring. Wonder if Stanford’s trip to the Sweet 16 scuttled any hopes he might have had of returning to coach the Cardinal next year?

 

 

So it begins, Chris Christie has apologized to Sheldon Adelson for a speech to the Republican Jewish Coalition in which he recalled an Israel trip where he took “a helicopter ride from the occupied territories….”

 

Now the CNN headline is “Most Promising Leads” detected for MH370. Whether or not they find the plane, someone at the network can write a book someday. “1,000 ways to say nothing.”

Missed it by just over two Pi much

March 22, 2014

Phrase we never thought we’d hear in a March Madness game: “MSU has to match the physicality of Harvard.”

 

Watching MSU coach Tom Izzo being interviewed after his Spartans’ escape from Harvard tonight, have to figure that more than a few straight shots will be ordered at MSU’s hotel’s bar. #Waytoocloseforcomfort

So sad watching some of these freshman stars when their teams are knocked out of March Madness. Why, they gave their schools some of the best months of their lives.

55 to 53. Did Dayton just beat Syracuse in a bowl game they threw in when no one was looking?

NY Jets QB Geno Smith says that the signing of Michael Vick is “awesome.” Makes sense, no matter how rocky Smith’s next season is, he still probably won’t be the most booed QB in town.

Says something about insurance and lawyers in this country when the Allstate “world’s worst cleaning lady” commercial has the actor pretending to fall down the stairs backwards and they need to caption it “Demonstration only, do not attempt.”

CBS March Madness announcer Andrew Catalon apologized to Gonzaga’s Przemek Karnowski, who is Polish born, after Catalon described OSU’s strategy of fouling Karnowski as “Hack-a-Polack.” Proving alas that even in the modern age, you don’t need Twitter to make a public a** of yourself.

(My friend Nate Coombs suggested what he SHOULD have called the strategy  – “Whack a Pole.”)

 

Go figure. The SEC didn’t win the NCAA football championship, but could win the NCAA men’s basketball championship. Hope it’s not a sign of the apocalypse?

Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Miami Heat have lost 7 of 11 games.   And they’re still 9 games up on the third place team in their conference. Although, to be fair, this year if the NBA East was in college football, their winner might not even be BCS Bowl eligible.

Kristen Bell was lambasted on Fox News for tweeting “Sorry RNC -rich people SHOULD pay higher taxes because they can afford it. End. Of. Story. xo a rich person.” What happened to defending freedom of speech? Would it help if Kristen wore camouflage?

CNN has now brought a psychic on air for her opinion on what happened to MH370. Real shame Paul the Octopus is no longer with us. #whatsnext

Kansas State was assessed a technical foul yesterday, when a player dunked in warm-ups 19 minutes and 58 seconds before the game started. (No dunking is allowed within 20 minutes of tip-off.) Kentucky then got two pre-game free throws. Baseball fans’ reaction: “And they make fun of the balk rule?”

 

The latest potential credit card date breach involves the DMV. “Wow. I’m shocked they would be so sloppy and careless.” said no one who’s ever renewed a driver’s license.

A satire site, the Daily Currant, posted that Sarah Palin said maybe Malaysian Air 370 “flew too high and ended up in heaven.” Be honest, how many people saw that and thought “Well she COULD have said it.”

Last bracket standing?

March 22, 2014

The  way today this tournament is going people winning their bracket pools probably did the equivalent of the lottery Quick Picks.

And after the first two rounds of March Madness, a whole lot of folks changed  their retirement plan from the bracket challenge to buying lottery tickets.

Forget Buffett’s billion dollar challenge. It should be worth at least a million to whoever had Tennessee meeting Mercer on Sunday.

Watching the crazy end of the VCU – SFA game, okay, I am not a coach, but think the ONLY thing you would tell players with a four point lead is don’t foul on a three point shot at the buzzer.

It should be a March Madness rule that if you picked an upset like Mercer over Duke you should at least know in which state your team is located.

Sports fans who normally stick to the NBA have to be wondering? When did they suddenly start letting all these white guys play basketball?

Kobe Bryant told an interview he thought President Obama could play for the Lakers. “That’s not a diss at the current roster that we have, but more of a sign of respect of the skill that the president possesses.” And Kobe said the first part of that sentence with a straight face.

In Turkey, users are apparently circumventing a Twitter ban after Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened to “rip out the roots” of the website. Uh, for starters it might have helped if the PM knew websites don’t have roots.

American Airlines is debuting new business class seats where the seatbelts will contain airbags. That’s in business. In coach the airline suggests passengers blow into and inflate their air sickness bags.

– 

At time of writing, late late night Friday or early Saturday morning in California, the Dodgers-Diamondbacks game has been delayed due to rain in Sydney. Maybe even God is not a big fan of moving MLB Opening Day a week early around the world to a cricket field.

The NY Jets released Mark Sanchez today, and signed Michael Vick. The comedy gods taketh away but they also giveth.

Our  new travel agency United Airlines sales representative just called because she was unable to find our office. Turns out she is in Los Gatos, not Los Altos. Who does she think she is, a Southwest pilot?

A federal judge today overturned that Michigan’s ban on same-sex marriage, saying the law violates the U.S. Constitution. Waiting for all the cheers from conservatives who say government should stay out of our lives.

In Georgia. a man who is on trial for raping a woman he met in a CVS parking lot, is using the defense the sex had to be consensual ‘because of his charming personality and handsome features.” Well, if they convict this jerk those looks should serve him SO well in prison…..

For a number of Jets fans, isn’t NY releasing Mark Sanchez and signing Michael Vick like your mom telling saying you don’t have to eat the broccoli but she’ll replace it with brussels sprouts?

Bus to hell moment brought to you by T.C. “A JetBlue flight went missing with sudden lost communication from the flight deck similar to the Malaysian Airlines plane. Investigators found it immediately though, it was still sitting on the tarmac 3 hrs after scheduled departure.”

Counting sheep, brackets, etc.

March 20, 2014

New research indicates at sleep loss may cause permanent brain damage. Great, another thing to lie awake at night worrying about.

Forget the bracket challenge. Maybe Warren Buffet should offer $1 billion to anyone who can find Malaysian Air flight 370.

#CalPoly won their play in game, so they get to face Wichita State. Sort of like winning the Christians competition to face the Lions.#NCAA

But for now Cal Poly, at 14-19, is still alive in the NCAA Tournament. Well, the Mustangs belong there at least as much as the 2014 Lakers belong in the NBA.

Congrats to Cal Poly beating Texas Southern. But the announcers are saying “This is only the second time a 19 loss team has won a game in the NCAA tournament.” Uh, not exactly. They won a play-in game.  It’s like winning a tie-breaker to get to be the wild card.

Now that President Obama has made his Final Four picks many Republicans don’t know what to do first. Say the picks are wrong or say that as President he shouldn’t be spending time on basketball instead of running the country.

But open note to any one complaining about President Obama spending a little free time following basketball brackets: it’s probably better than following interns.

The Iowa men are heading home, losers of 7 of their last 8 games. On a brighter note, the Hawkeyes have just been named the official basketball team of origami

NFL owners may vote on expanding the playoffs next week. Guess they’ve looked at the NHL and NBA and figured it’s not a fair system if the postseason excludes those really deserving teams under .500.

New guidelines say almost half of Americans over 40 and most men over 60 qualify should consider cholesterol-lowering statins. Wonder if they’ll start giving away discount coupons for the drugs at Burger King and McDonald’s.

The NY State Senate is proposing to allow slot machines at JFK and LaGuardia airports. As if betting on your flight actually taking off reasonably on time at those airports isn’t enough gambling.

Soft drink and basketball fans will now be able to try a limited edition “Sprite 6 Mix by LeBron James, which willl be a mix of lemon-lime with cherry and orange. When can we expect a one-hour infomercial on how Sprite decided on those flavors?

Scientists say that for the world as a whole, this winter was the eighth warmest on record. U.S. residents on the East Coast would have told them to STFU except that they were too busy with their snow shovels.

Kiss and Def Leppard are teaming up for a 40th anniversary tour. The good thing for those who were hard core fans of the bands in their youth – their hearing is probably shot enough they won’t notice any decline in vocals.

The NY Jets, who tired of the Tim Tebow circus, now apparently have tired of the Mark Sanchez circus and are trying to sign…. Michael Vick?! Don’t take down those tents too fast.

Public and private.

March 15, 2014

Mark Zuckerberg apparently has called President Obama to complain about the U.S. government’s surveillance program. Guess he believes collecting personal data on Americans should be left to the private sector.

 

John McCain said today that the USA providing long-term military assistance to Ukraine is “”the right and decent thing to do.” With all due respect, is there any trouble spot in the world where John McCain doesn’t think providing military assistance is the right thing to do?

 

The Mega Millions jackpot is up to $400 million. The scary thing, as improbable as winning is, the odds are still better than for Warren Buffet’s $1 billion bracket challenge.

Always seems a bit odd when they introduce NBA players as being from a certain university. When they were at said school for maybe a semester and a half.

This tells you all you need to know about the NBA Eastern Conference: The Cleveland Cavaliers, 26-40, are only 3 1/2 games out of a playoff spot.

Hell Freezing Over moment for the week. An athlete being honest about dollars: Steve Nash, responding to those who think he should walk away from the NBA ““The reality is, I’m not going to retire because I want the money.”

Richard Sherman is now engaged in a Twitter battle with various other cornerbacks. Hard to imagine in retrospect him and Jim Harbaugh in the same locker room…. even harder to imagine anyone else at Stanford getting a word in edgewise.

 

At this point there are more theories on what happened to that Malaysian plane than there are permutations for filling out March Madness brackets.

 

 

And I’m a “when you hear hoof beats think horses not zebras” kind of gal. But with this Malaysian Airlines plane story we’re running out of potential explanations that aren’t zebras.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canucks fans couldn’t be happier that Daylight Savings Time occurred this past weekend. “Yay, the season ends one hour sooner” cheered a lot of Vancouver fans.
– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/363527/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-March-14-2014-Edition-462#sthash.vc1uOCee.dpuf
Canucks fans couldn’t be happier that Daylight Savings Time occurred this past weekend. “Yay, the season ends one hour sooner” cheered a lot of Vancouver fans.
– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/363527/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-March-14-2014-Edition-462#sthash.vc1uOCee.dpuf

Full service.

March 13, 2014

The Mandalay Bay Resort will pay a $500,000 fine after admitting that employees provided drugs and prostitutes to guests. Gosh, that resort fee really covers everything.

Will Adam Vinatieri, 41, signed for two more years with the Colts, be the first NFL player to have his own line of orthopedic shoes?

 

 

A University of Kentucky fan just got a tattoo saying “National champions 2014 UK.” Since he is from Kentucky what’s more amazing? That the young man has that much faith in his team? Or that he spelled it all correctly?

Amazon is raising the price of Prime from $79 to $99 a year. Guess that delivery drone research is expensive.

Oscar Pistorius vomited again in court, this time when seeing a picture of the body of his ex-girlfriend. If the “Blade Runner” is so adverse to violence maybe he should have gotten rid of the guns and left his security to experts.

Another thought about the Pistorius trial. So if his girlfriend wasn’t afraid of him that night, why did she lock the bathroom door? As most couples know, in the middle of the night, your significant other doesn’t often bother even to CLOSE the bathroom door.

A US Airways plane blew a tire tonight while taking off from Philadelphia tonight. All passengers on board were evacuated with no injuries. Wonder how long it will take for someone to add a spare tire fee.

United Airlines flight delayed because catering forgot to board bottled water. #makesyouwonderwhatelsetheyforgot

Just a thought about that Malaysian Airlines plane having flown for as much as hours after they lost contact. Even if it were hijacked they really believe no one would have used their cellphone at least to email or text? Get messages from clients all the time in the air, whether or not the plane has legal wifi….

 

 

Regarding all those conspiracy theories about Malaysian flight 370, there hasn’t been anyone either claiming responsibility, or offering to tell a story to the media. I could be wrong, but keep thinking of that line “Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.”

 

Rutgers’ men’s basketball team lost tonight to Louisville 31 to 92?! Yes, a 61 point loss. With a performance like that are the Scarlet Knights trying to be named honorary members of the NBA Eastern Conference?

 

Florida strikes again. Now according to prosecutors, the former police officer who allegedly shot and killed a man who was texting in a movie theatre, had used HIS OWN PHONE to text his son a few minutes earlier….

 

(although RIP former Florida Governor Reubin Askew.  Yes, there was a time before Florida was a punchline.)

 

Mets’ pitching coach Dan Warthen issued a statement last night to apologize for an Asian racial slur in the clubhouse. Uh oh, does the NFL need to add to their penalty word list?

 

 

This bus to hell moment brought to you by TC from BC. “Rumor has it that there is a sex tape in circulation starring Johnny Carson. I wonder if Ed McMahon does a audio voiceover  – “Heeeeeeerrrrre Comes Johnny!”

Final two.

April 6, 2013

Now that #Michigan is in #NCAA championship, over-under on number of times we’ll see #ChrisWebber’s 1993 attempted timeout before Monday?

If Louisville wins thinking Rick Pitino’s wife is about as likely to let him go out without her for a celebratory dinner as Kobe Bryant’s wife is to let him order room service.

 

(short version for those saying “what?” – Pitino,  married since 1976,  was involved in an 2009 extortion trial with a woman he admitted meeting in a Louisville restaurant in 2003 ,  and having sex with in the bathroom. He also admitted giving her $3000 for an abortion.  But that story somehow hasn’t made CBS’s weekend’s narrative..)

 

A 18-pound tortoise named Cashew who disappeared from a museum in Dubuque, Iowa, was found alive and in good health two days later in a building elevator. Officials believe the tortoise was stolen and then returned. Which would be easier to explain than her just having run away.

A rate Honus Wagner baseball card just sold for $2.1 million. What’s crazier, the price for a single card, or the fact that these days $2.1 million might get you a mediocre middle reliever?

A 22-year-old Oklahoma mom was arrested for allegedly trying to sell her 2-year old and 10-month old kids on Facebook. What kind of monster tries to sell little children? Teenagers, well, okay that makes sense.

(My friend Abbe Nelson says says you get better prices for kids on Ebay..  And Michael M. adds “More sad tales of the demise of newspapers. Once upon a time, it was very easy to sell small children through classifieds.”)

 

Is there a worse invention in college basketball than the possession arrow? Seriously. How hard is it to learn how to throw up a basketball for a jump ball?

Free-agent DB Charles Woodson, 36, says no NFL teams have offered him a contract because they think he’s too old. Shame Woodson didn’t take up baseball instead of football. He’s almost old enough to be signed by the Yankees.

 

Not a Rick Warren fan but very sad to hear his report his son shot himself: “Today, after a fun evening together with Kay and me, in a momentary wave of despair at his home, he took his life.” Without a gun a “momentary wave of despair” might not have been fatal.

CNN reports North Korea has told diplomats it cannot guarantee their safety if war breaks out but is encouraging tour groups to stay. Well, at least daredevils now have a scarier vacation option than a Carnival cruise.

 

Oops. The NY Post reports that Yankees fans who google “Yankees box office phone number” will find a number for a phone sex line. Well, some (male) fans may decide the new number provides more value for money.

Santa Clara beat George Mason 80-77 for the College Basketball Invitational title. So do schools raise a CBI banner?

There’s always a silver lining for someone.   Mike Rice and company at Rutgers at least have meant that Chris Christie and Snooki are off the hook  as the top New Jersey punchlines.

John Lackey  exited his first start of the year with an arm injury. He had signed an $82 million, 5 year contract with the Red Sox in 2009. Who’d a thunk then that Barry Zito’s 7 year $126 million 2006 contract might look like the better deal?

 

Another thought on the whole Obama-Kamala Harris mountain of a molehill:   So where’s the outrage when someone suggests a male politician is good looking?

Brotherly and other love.

April 2, 2013

There is a Comedy God: Former South Carolina Gov, Mark Sanford, aka Mr. Appalachian Trail, has won the GOP nomination for a vacant House seat against Elizabeth Colbert Busch, Stephen Colbert’s sister.

The town of Nelson, Georgia, has passed a law requiring its citizens to own a gun and ammunition, although they have reportedly not had any violent crime in the last 10 years. Well, I guess it’s never too late to start.

 

Say what? Justin Amash, a self-described “libertarian-leaning” Michigan congressman says abortion and “abortion-causing” birth control are okay, but should only be allowed “closer to the point of conception, whether it’s instantly or the first three days.” This is what comes from allowing men to hold elective office.

The New York Yankees are starting the year with $230.4 million payroll. Wow, and at least $50 million of that is going to active players.

 

A recently released NRA funded report on school safety suggests arming teachers. Well, this ought to be fun during contract negotiations.

Pac-12 commissioner Larry Scott says that Ed Rush, the league’s of officials should NOT be fired for offering a group of referees $5,000 or a trip to Cancun if they hit Arizona coach Sean Miller with a technical foul or ejected him during the Pac 12 tournament. Scott says Rush was “joking.” Gosh. This guy must be a lot of fun in airport security lines.

Good for GOP senator Mark Quinn of Illinois. But someday it will be nice when a politician’s support for gay marriage doesn’t even make the news.

Kevin Ware has been released from the hospital and will join his Louisville Cardinal teammates in going to Atlanta. Let us hope the TSA agent running the metal detector knows who he is.

The Cleveland Browns have traded Colt McCoy to the SF 49ers. McCoy is still likely to be holding a clipboard, but now at least he can do it during playoff games.

As North Korea’s rhetoric escalates, maybe the U.S. needs to send someone Kim Jong Un respects who is also capable of reading him the riot act. Forget Dennis Rodman, where’s Charles Barkley when we need him?

(My friend Marty B. suggests – send  Tim Tebow he can overthrow the Government.)

In New York, the FBI arrested Dem. State Senator Malcolm Smith and GOP City Councilman Dan Halloran for allegedly trying to use bribes to rig the New York City mayoral election. Who says there’s no bipartisanism in this country?

Mark this moment, April 2, 2013. As of 11:30pm the 2 and 0 Seattle Mariners have the best record in baseball.

But okay, really, we’ve waited over five months for opening day,  and more than half the MLB teams don’t play on the second full day of the regular  season?

161 to go.

April 1, 2013

Bryce Harper is on pace for 324 home runs!

Silver lining in today’s game for SF Giants’ fans? If Clayton Kershaw is going to be the Dodgers’ power hitter on top of being their ace, it’s going to take Los Angeles $250 million to sign him long term…..

Red Sox 8, Yankees 2. Wonder who George Steinbrenner would have fired by now.

(with an assist from my friend Tony Alan Banks.  You have to wonder if somewhere in the afterlife, Steinbrenner fired Billy Martin just out of habit.)

Sandy Koufax looked good throwing out the ceremonial first pitch for the Los Angeles Dodgers.   Wonder how long it will take the Yankees to offer him a pitching contract.

The University of Kentucky has announced that freshman guard Archie Goodwin is leaving early for the NBA. Guess he wants to parlay leading his team all the way to the first round of the NIT into big $$$.

Jon Stewart really slamming #NBC tonight on the Daily Show. So is Stewart also auditioning for Jay  Leno’s job?

Lindsay Lohan will be a guest on the “Late Show with David Letterman” next week. Sure hope the show insisted on sending a car and driver.

Apparently police had to be called at a Seattle zoo’s Easter Egg Hunt when two mothers began fighting. Reportedly after one reportedly pushed a child aside to make it easier for her own child to get some eggs. Shocking. Parent violence at an Easter Egg Hunt?! Now, we’d expect it for opening day of Little League.

Unclear on the concept – Lindsay Lohan has reportedly told her lawyers that she’ll only enter lockdown rehab if she’s allowed to take her Adderall prescription with her…..

Well, at least there’s a Pac 12 team in the Women’s Final Four. Now if the #Cal Bears can just knock off UConn and Geno Auriemma in New Orleans all of Stanford might root for them.

USC has hired UFGC’s Andy Enfield as their next men’s basketball coach. Guess Enfield couldn’t turn the deal down, over $1 million a year plus every March off.

Glee’s Cory Monteith has voluntarily checked into a rehabilitation center to address substance addiction issues. Some would say such issues were caused by watching his own show.

From Bill Littlejohn:  As we approach the Masters, Tiger Woods has reclaimed his No. 1 ranking and is well on his way to being the Tiger of old. In fact, insiders are predicting a Lindsey Vonn ski pole to his Escalade by Christmas.

Happy Easter

March 31, 2013

And remember, love may fade, but Marshmallow Peeps are forever.

 

All this talk about Buster Posey being a San Francisco Giant for life….But it’s an 8 year contract! Posey will be 34 when it’s over. Making him almost old enough to play for the New York Yankees.

 

The Seattle Seahawks’ Chris Clemons said he’s not homophobic but it would be selfish for an NFL player to come out, since one’s sexuality should be left “at home.” Right, based on that long tradition of men not talking about sex and women in locker rooms…..

Many Stanford women’s basketball fans were unhappy when President Obama said that their team would lose to Cal in the NCAA Tournament. And as it turns out, Obama WAS wrong….

Some are talking about lowering the baskets for women’s basketball to increase scoring. After watching a few rounds of NCAA’s thinking maybe we need to do that for  the college men too.

UCLA has hired Steve Alford as their new men’s basketball coach. Which means Bruins fans can look forward in 2014 to another weekend in the NCAA tournament.

 

The Yankees’ Andy Pettitte says he expects to be in the World Series. Is    Pettite angling for a trade already?

 

 

The National Zoo has artificially inseminated their female panda. Waiting for the first conservative politician to say it’s another example of Obama showing disrespect for traditional panda marriage.

 

The under-over in Las Vegas for complete games in MLB this season by ANY pitcher in 2013 is 6 1/2. For the entire season. The Detroit Tigers’ Mickey Lolich had 29 complete games in 1971.

 

Well, he’s a douchebag but a creative douchebag. A 61 year old Virginia man, angry that his girlfriend had broken up with him, was arrested after he allegedly placed a fake Craigslist ad with her picture and address saying she was a “senior lady” looking for casual sex.

TSA has decided just to suspend 17 employees at Newark who were originally going to be fired “because it was determined that they did not ‘intentionally’ violate procedures associated with checked baggage screening.” Well, it’s not like they messed up on anything important…..

Michael Steinberg, a NY hedge fund executive, was arrested at his Park Ave apartment today on charges to conspiracy and securities fraud.

Steinberg’s lawyer said “he did absolutely nothing wrong.”   Of course, it’s probably the fault of all the profiling police do of hedge fund executives.

 

Gentlemen, and ladies, start your excuses…..

March 20, 2013

And if you are reading this, you are probably too late to change your brackets.

“One and done” has some disadvantages and advantages. Last year’s Kentucky players didn’t get to see them raise the NCAA championship banner, this year’s won’t be on campus for all the Robert Morris jokes.

President Obama formally revealed all of this NCAA picks this morning on ESPN. Despite alleged GOP attempts to filibuster them.

Apparently Derek Jeter may start the season on the DL. Though he still hopes to sit in the Yankees dugout, yelling at the other team’s punks to get off his field.

Syracuse’s basketball program is apparently again under NCAA investigation. How will we know when the allegations are really serious? When Jim Boeheim resigns to spend more time with his family.

James Madison won their play-in game for the right to play Indiana. Isn’t this a bit like winning the Christians competition for the right to go against the Lions?

Lindsay Lohan, who reportedly hit the clubs after her rehab plea deal is now saying “It wasn’t me.” Maybe the “Parent Star” star is taking this “evil twin” thing a bit too seriously?

Wisconsin will open their 2015 football season against Alabama. Guess the “Little Sisters of the Poor” aren’t available?

The Tonight Show may be moving back to New York in late 2014. So first question, will all those Dodgers jokes become Yankees jokes or Mets jokes?

Open note to Michelle Shocked: Just shut up and go away again. Your 15 minutes have expired.

Neiman Marcus has paid an undisclosed fine to the FTC in a settlement. Apparently they were selling real fur products and pretending they were fake fur.

As opposed to many Neiman Marcus shoppers who pretend they have “real” faces and bodies when they are….nah, I don’t need to finish this sentence.

At Knoxville airport, Delta workers ordered pizza to be delivered to passengers stuck on the tarmac for a flight diverted due to bad weather. The really shocking thing… the airline didn’t charge them by the slice.

Hanley Ramirez injured his thumb in the WBC final, and may be out up to 10 weeks. At this point the Dodgers and Yankees may not end up in the World Series, but they could meet up in a special baseball edition of “Survivor.”

From my friend Jim Barach, yeah, this just about sums it up.  “On the tenth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, 53% of Americans say the war was a mistake. The other 47% are still debating between disaster, debacle and catastrophe.”

All in the family trivia: If Indiana wins the NCAA tournament another Harbaugh will be celebrating with a trophy – Joanie Crean, wife of coach Tom Crean, is Jack and Jim’s sister.

Okay, March Madness brackets aside – Angie or Kree to win American Idol. IMHO.

My not-so-old Kentucky is home.

March 19, 2013

First round NIT – Robert Morris 59, Kentucky 57. Puts a whole new meaning on “One and done.”

_

Not saying the Kentucky team was young, but after the game coach John Calipari was so upset he gave all the starters time-outs.

Btw, those same Kentucky Wildcats when the season started?  The favorite at 6-1 to win the entire NCAA tournament.  Guess that means Nerlens Noel was really the One without who they were Done?

One of many signs this whole college basketball system needs reworking though –  when with the top teams most fans recognize fewer of the players than the coaches.

 

 

Coach Rex Ryan said the New York Jets have to get better at QB, adding that Tim Tebow would get the opportunity to compete. And he said it with a straight face.

 

New Jersey has decided to try allowing Atlantic City casinos to offer fantasy sports betting. Don’t most casinos already allow fantasy betting? As in picking the Cubs to win the World Series.

A study has shown that the resveratol in red wine may help prevent Alzheimer’s. Or if you drink enough of it at least the wine gives you a good reason to forget things.  (or as my friend Linda says, you won’t care if you forget things..)

 

Got to love it, Tiger Woods announces he is dating Lindsey Vonn, posts a number of pictures, and thanks fans on his Facebook page for “respecting our privacy.”

Lindsey Vonn apparently was making jokes a couple years ago about Tiger Woods and his “sex addiction.” Have to wonder the odds on in another couple years Lindsey herself ending up part of the punchline.

Derek Jeter was scratched from the Yankees spring training game today with a “cranky ankle.” About the only good news for New York these days is that most of their injures should be covered by Medicare.

Ok, the story of a University of Central Florida student who planned to shoot students isn’t funny, but then there’s this quote from an evacuated young woman “”There were police everywhere, students out there half-dressed, no shoes, in the cold….” The weather was in the 60s.

Reportedly Lindsay Lohan chose rehab because she was scared of jail. But not scared enough apparently to start just following the law….

Telling NBC jokes has apparently gotten Jay Leno with network executives. Fortunately, since he’s still on NBC, very few people are actually hearing the jokes.

 

Michelle Shocked has had several shows canceled after making an anti-gay slur at a San Francisco concert. Two questions. Who the heck is Michelle Shocked? And is she angling to open for Ted Nugent?

 

After a South Carolina primary, looks like the House special election will be between Mark Sanford, former Governor and “Appalachian trail” hiker and Elizabeth Colbert Bush, sister of Stephen Colbert. Not sure about state residents, but comedians across the country are thinking ‘Thank you, Jesus.”

From Bill Littlejohn:  Now, the Broncos have offered Dumervil a contract—talk about bringing Elvis back from the dead”
 
(Elvis’s agent, however, is no doubt still as dead as Generalissmo Francisco Franco)

When you’re a Jet. (Or a Jet QB anyway.)

December 4, 2012

NY Jets coach Rex Ryan says he is undecided on next week’s starting QB, but insists he has confidence in McElroy, Tebow and Sanchez. Yikes. Has someone checked Ryan for concussions?

Only bright spot for NY sports fans Monday?    The Giants’ lackluster performance temporarily knocked the Jets off the front page.

Five BCS games. Only five teams in those games ranked in the top ten. And only one game with a spread under 8.    Guess that mean bitch karma isn’t a fan of  television networks.

The Mets are reportedly interested in trying to trade R.A. Dickey. But GM Sandy Alderson says fans should not take it as a sign that the team is pessimistic about their 2013 chances. Longtime fans are thinking. “The Mets had 2013 chances?”

 

 

 

Apparently Mitt Romney has gone back to work, rejoining Marriott’s board of directors. So President Obama’s job creation program is already working.

 

Kentucky’s men’s basketball team (4-3) fell out of the top 25 since John Calipari became coach in 2009. Calipari is so reportedly so upset with the team he might threaten the players with drastic punishment – like having to go to class.

Really? SI’s Sportsman of the Year is Lebron James?! Are they going to have a one-hour television special about how they came to that decision?

Derek Jeter has a broken ankle, A-Rod now needs hip surgery and will probably miss some of the 2013 season. Not saying the team is old but Yankees could end up wasting more money than a bad Medicare program.

A recent poll showed that Americans ranked Congress as second lowest out of 22 professions for honesty and ethical standards, higher only than car sellers. On the bright side, lawyers are happy to look good by comparison.

A New Jersey man will be arraigned today on the charge of  “destruction of an aircraft” after he punched and broke a window on a JetBlue plane when he was unhappy with his seat assignment.   So coming next, does this mean an airline  “window security” fee?

Serious thought for a change:  An aside to the gun control debate with the Chiefs player who murdered his girlfriend, maybe this is also time to both renew the NFL’s focus on concussions? And it is DEFINITELY time to do everything possible to destigmatize professional athletes going to mental health professionals.

 

What’s in a name?

August 10, 2012

Wonder how many men were basically ignoring the Olympics as background noise on the television tonight until they heard the name “Destinee Hooker?”

(My friend Rich invites everyone also to Google the winner of the men’s trampoline…   Would love to see the headlines if he and Destinee were ever to meet.)

After their gold medal win today, the U.S. women’s soccer team put on Nike shirts saying “Greatness has been found.” And most of the rest of the world’s athletes said “We didn’t know it had been lost.”

Gold medalist Aly Raisman, 18, sent, then quickly deleted a tweet about going clubbing in London. She changed it to say she was going to bed early, although 380,000 followers still got the original. Nice to see it’s not just grownups who mess up with technology.

 

As impressive as platform diving is, am I the only one who has a hard time really getting into a sport where the number one sign of excellence is minimal splash?

Dwight Howard to the Lakers. Well, this looks either like an NBA championship team, or one of the biggest ego-driven train wrecks in sports history.

Kobe Bryant was asked if he can learn anything form the younger players on the USA team. “No,” he replied. ”I don’t know if I know it all, but I know more than they do.” Guess Kobe feels as at home as if he were playing for the Lakers.

The 200m men’s race was the premier event Wednesday night for NBC, even though most all viewers will already know the result. Well, I guess it works for repeat showings of “Titanic.”

The Cowboys have apparently talked to Plaxico Burress’s agent about signing the free-agent wide receiver. Could be a good fit – Dallas has a strong quarterback, a winning tradition, and loose gun laws.

Highly Kentucky men’s basketball recruit Nerlens Noel has finally been declared academically eligible. Great, so he can show up in the fall and play his freshman season, before dropping out 2nd semester to declare for the NBA draft.

 

Almost eight years after the 2004 Olympics, the IOC is apparently going to strip Tyler Hamilton of his cycling gold medal for doping., and give it to Russia’s Ekimov. “Wow, fast investigative work,” said administrators at Penn State.

Ann Romney had  tweeted Thursday that “in just a few short hours one lucky supporter will win the remarkable opportunity to meet Mitt and his VP pick in person.” Leading to speculation the choice will be announced today. But hey, maybe a “few” hours is like a “few” million, different for the Romneys than for most people.

Lots of variations on this line,  but Marc Ragovin put it  very succinctly  – ” Did Mitt and Ann fly home from London with Rafalca strapped to the wing of their private jet?”

From my friend Abbe Nelson:  “NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn…making it very clear that men are not from Mars.”

Opening day.

May 18, 2012

After the first day of stock trading – Facebook’s relationship to Wall Street? “It’s complicated.”

 

Not Facebook, but short term business idea for moderately big bucks: Discreet book covers for “Fifty Shades of Grey” for women to use on airplanes, by the pool and at little league practices.

 

A Wisconsin man bought a Green Bay Packers Super Bowl XLV championship ring at a pawn shop. Hmm, this might be the only way Lebron gets his ring.

 

Kerry Wood made one last appearance today for the Chicago Cubs, before announcing his retirement. He ended with one last strikeout, though it might have been more fitting had Woods finished by first announcing one last trip to the DL.

The Miami Heat canceled practice today. Well, guess based on the last two games it wasn’t working anyway. –

 

The Lakers salvaged Game 3,  but Lakers guard Steve Blake and his wife have been attacked and threatened online since he missed a possible game-winning shot against the Thunder in game 2. Who do these idiots think they are, soccer fans?

 

 

 

AZ GOP Sec of State Ken Bennett said “I am not a birther,” but “At the request of a constituent, I asked Hawaii for a verification in lieu of certified copy. We’re merely asking them to officially confirm they have (Obama’s) birth certificate in their possession and are awaiting their response. He said if the issue is not resolved it was “possible” he would keep the President off the ballot. Arizona sounds like they just can’t stand Florida having the title “Craziest state in the U.S.”

 

The attorney general’s office in Hawaii is telling Arizona’s secretary of state that if he wants confirmation of President Obama’s birth records, he’ll have to prove he legitimately needs it.   Translation  “Are you all nucking futs?”

 

New Ohio State football coach and AD Gene Smith self-reported 46 recent secondary recruiting violations. Why 46 exactly? Maybe they figured 50 would be serious?

When you’re a Jet….

March 21, 2012

The New York Jets already overpaid for Mark Sanchez. Now apparently they’ve got Tim Tebow too? And late night comics are saying “Thank you, Jesus.”

Let the fireworks begin. Tebow to the Jets for a fourth and sixth round pick. Where with Tim’s is 47.3% career completion percentage, he will be backup presumably to Mark Sanchez, with his gaudy 55.3% rate. I can hear those happy fans already.

You cannot make this “stuff” up. A Romney staffer was asked about concerns that Romney was going too far to the right to appeal to moderates: His response: “Well, I think you hit a reset button for the fall campaign. Everything changes. It’s almost like an Etch-A-Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all of over again.” Well, at least he’s honest.

VCU men’s basketball coach Shaka Smart turned down the head coaching position at Illinois. Maybe he’s holding out for a high level amateur team closer to Richmond, like the Washington Wizards.

In Miami Beach, an impatient woman driving an SUV sped up to cut in line in a gas station and accidently ran into the pump. The gas pump burst into flames, destroying itself and the SUV. The sad news, the driver survived unharmed.

A woman engrossed in trying to change an appointment on her phone actually fell into Lake Michigan. (She was rescued by her husband and a passerby.) Seems like Apple needs a “common sense” app.

Now that Mitt Romney is, by his spokesman’s own statement, the “Etch A Sketch” candidate, here’s a historical pop culture lesson for anyone under 30: An “Etch A Sketch” is kind of like an iPad drawing program that you shake instead of hitting “delete.”


Who are these guys? Stanford men’s basketball team destroyed an NCAA bubble team (Nevada) 84-56 tonight in the NIT quarter-finals.

And just think, if this were BCS run college football instead of basketball instead of this admittedly second-tier tournament run, based on Stanford’s regular season fans could have watched the Cardinal against someone like N.C. State in the Dec 18 “Some company you’ve never heard of” bowl.

Got to love it. At Stanford Shopping Center, an upscale open-air mall, there are several close-in parking places near the handicapped spaces “reserved for McDonald’s customers.” Uh, folks, if you eat less McDonald’s you’re less likely to end up needing the handicapped spots.

ESPN just said “New York hasn’t seen anything like Tebow-mania.” Well, at least not since last month.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from Jersey Shore has entered rehab for substance abuse. His first task in the 12-step program – learning to count to 12.

Not that I would ever accuse Roger Goddell of favoring image over substance. But have to wonder, was it a coincidence that the Saints’ punishment was announced just after Peyton Manning finally made his decision? (And a day before NCAA March Madness starts up again.)

Just also wonder, what would have happened if Alex Smith hadn’t done his two minute Superman imitation in the playoffs, and the Saints defeated the 49ers, Giants and Patriots….

But let me guess, Sean Payton and company haven’t been watching the news for the past 10 or so years???? Clinton, Sanford, Weiner, Martha Stewart etc…..The coverup always gets punished worst than the crime. Even Richard Nixon somewhere has to be muttering “What were you THINKING?”

Between brackets.

March 21, 2012

No NCAA men’s basketball tournament games until Thursday. Oh the horror. Millions of Americans wlll have to go into the office and actually work.

Peyton Manning has signed with the Denver Broncos. And Alex Smith has apparently re-signed with the San Francisco 49ers.Coach Jim Harbaugh says their relationship is “strong.” Got to love it – “Yeah, that really hot babe turned me down, but of course I love my wife.”

Consumer Reports says that the new Apple iPad temperature can hit 116 degrees. So if you can’t find your iPad, look under the cat.

The Situation from Jersey Shore has checked into rehab. Wow. Add that to Snooki being pregnant, and liquor stores in New Jersey may be forced to declare a state of emergency.

The Memphis Grizzlies signed Gilbert Arenas. Guess they figured despite his past issues it was worth taking a shot?

Santorum wonders why he lost Illinois. Uh, Monday’s statement: “I don’t care what the unemployment rate is going to be. It doesn’t matter to me.” Makes “I don’t care about poor people” sound almost statesmanlike.

Romney wins Illinois. Maybe those in the “Land of Lincoln” just figured “Honest Abe” would haunt them forever if they actually voted for Santorum or Gingrich.

Apparently the premier of DWTS had the worst ratings ever. Not enough controversy…. Say, where’s Donald Trump when you need him? Or for that matter, maybe the producers should ask Callista Gingrich….she’s not doing much that’s useful these days.

At an Obama fundraiser, Robert De Niro (who is married to a black woman), told an inappropriate joke about America not being ready “for a white first lady.” Newt Gingrich has demanded he apologize. So maybe De Niro should have said “America’s not ready for a first lady who’s a third wife?

Anyone else notice that this election season seems to be bringing out more loonies than normal? Well, Hillary Clinton may have put cracks in the glass ceiling but Rick Santorum and others have shattered the glass straitjacket.

According to ESPN, the University of Southern Mississippi has revoked scholarships for (and removed from their band), 5 students who heckled a Puerto Rican Kansas State player during a NCAA basketball tournament game last week. Strong message. Now if schools would only discipline athletes that way.

The Stanford men’s basketball team came from 11 points down with 9 minutes to play to beat Illinois State and advance to the Not-Quite-Elite Eight of the NIT. So friends, the wall is open. What does one do with a potential NIT banner?

Another thought on that proposed Tennessee law that would publicize the names of abortion doctors and detailed personal information on the women having the procedures. Where’s the rider also to include potentially identifying details on the men who got those women pregnant?