Posted tagged ‘basketball jokes’

Boys will be boys. (And girls will try to be boys?).

March 20, 2012

The #3 seeded Miami Hurricanes’ women’s basketball team has suspended star senior guard Riquna Williams, for “conduct detrimental to the team.” Who said women’s basketball would never catch up to the men’s game?

Meanwhile, in an overtime thriller, the Stanford men’s basketball team knocked off Illinois State to advance to the Sweet 16 of the NIT….. Yeah, okay, winning is great. But Sweet 16 of the NIT? Isn’t that an accomplishment on par with making it through the first round of the Bachelor. Or winning a straw poll in this year’s GOP primary?

Peyton to the Broncos. Alex Smith talking to Miami. That might leave for S.F…. Tim Tebow To paraphrase an old joke, he could have 60,000 fans on their feet yelling “Jesus Christ.”

Got email invite to follow John Kerry on Twitter, where the email adds “And hey, it’s a rare chance to see a United States Senator struggle to express thoughts in 140 characters or less!.” Well, it’s a safe bet we won’t be asked to follow Joe Biden.

Yet another reason why those of us with XX chromosomes adore George Clooney. He had one phone call from jail, and when asked who he called, George replied “My mother. Some things never change.”

The Mets, facing a lawsuit demanding up to $1 billion, settled with the Madoff Madoff for $162M. $162 million? Why for the Yankees that’s a couple long-relievers and a utility infielder.

Today in Illinois Rick Santorum said the issue in the presidential race is not the economy but an “oppressive government that’s taking away people’s freedom.” (Presumably he forgot to add, unless you are gay or a woman.)

Spurned by Matt Flynn, Peyton Manning and maybe even Alex Smith, Miami has signed …. David Garrard. So this fall Dolphins fans can look forward to watchng Garrard make his debut at Chopped Liver Stadium.

The Walt Disney Co. now says they will lose $200 million on “John Carter.” Wow. Does that mean there will be a movie-themed ride at Epcot?

So does Peyton Manning’s decision mean the Broncos are the favorites to win the AFC, by a neck?

New Orleans police have filed felony charges against Russell Brand for smashing a photographer’s iPhone last week. Brand says he intends to fight the charges. Wonder if prosecutors might accept a plea bargain if Brand promises to do the same thing in a few movie theaters and restaurants.

A new bill in Tennessee would require the state to publish the names of each doctor who performs an abortion and the age, race, county, marital status, education level, # of children, and location of the woman having the procedure. Where’s the bill requiring similar information about men being treated for STDs?

Headline about Demi Moore’s soon-to-be-ex signing up for Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic flights -“”Ashton Kutcher heading into space.”

Uh, isn’t he already there?

From catfish to grits to pancakes……Mitt Romney today stopped in a popular Illinois diner today, saying “I need only one thing from you this morning — no two,” Romney said. “#1, I need some pancakes, and #2, I need you to go vote” Anyone but me hoping someone in Louisiana might offer him a Hurricane without saying what’s in it?

Quote from Joe Biden. And okay, this had to be his speechwriters because it’s so succinct. But a great Obama reelection bumper sticker nonetheless: “Osama Bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive. Think about it.”


Gentleman and ladies, start your brackets.

March 13, 2012

If you’re looking for someone’s predictions to copy for March Madness, may I suggest anyone but Harold Camping.

President Obama said he is working on his men’s and women’s brackets. And Mitt Romney immediately condemned him by saying tax brackets for both are high enough already.

So now that Linsanity isn’t helping anymore for the Knicks, what’s plan B? Is Bill Bradley available?

Lennox Little League, in Los Angeles County, didn’t have enough money for this year until local businesses stepped in. Including a $1200 donation from the Jet Strip “gentlemen’s club” (aka a strip club.) So guess this means it will be “batter up,” after getting many fathers up.

Mitt Romney, on the horrific shooting of Afghan citizens by a U.S. soldier, and what America should do now, said that he “wouldn’t jump to a new policy” because of a “deranged, crazy person.” Uh, some would say that in aping Santorum and Gingrich, that Mitt already has done that repeatedly.

The success of the 49ers and Alex Smith last year was a joy for fans, but tough for local comedy writers. God taketh away and God giveth – Here comes Randy Moss.

Stanford women’s basketball team is #1 seed in the NCAA tournament and heading for Norfolk. For those who don’t know how to pronounce the Virginia city, here’s the simple cheer they use in the South. (I used to live in Florida). “We don’t drink, we don’t smoke, Norfolk! Norfolk.”

The owner of the Pittsburgh Power, an Arena Football League team, fired all 24 players during a pregame meal at an Orlando-area Olive Garden. For the men involved, it was the worst thing to happen to them at an Olive Garden, well, that didn’t involve actually eating the food.

Former V.P. Dick Cheney cancelled a April speaking engagement in Toronto, because based on demonstrations during his Vancouver visit last fall he and his daughter decided “it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.” Well, guess that means we won’t see Cheney in San Francisco any time either.

A TCU football player charged with selling marijuana allegedly told a police officer that 82 people failed a team wide drug test in early February. Wow. Looks like the Horned Frog football program may really have hit the big time.

The NCAA banned North Carolina football from the 2012 post-season, saying “This case should serve as a cautionary tale to all institutions to vigilantly monitor the activities of those student-athletes who possess the potential to be top professional prospects.” Well, all institutions who aren’t part of the SEC anyway.

So when Peyton Manning makes his decision will ESPN air an “After the Final Rose” show?

Surveys of likely GOP voters in Alabama and Mississippi found that only 12-14% believe President Obama is a Christian. Well, I suppose this does bolster Rick Santorum with his disbelief in the idea of evolution.

Got to love this. United Airlines has had a special phone number for their most elite fliers when they are having problems with the website. If you have post-merger problems and call it now, the message says “We are experiencing extended hold times, we suggest you use our website.”

Rep. Cliff Stearns of Florida responded to a question from an elderly consitutent about Obama’s birth certificate by saying “The question is, is it legitimate? I think what Obama’s showing is a facsimile, but I think that debate probably is not enough just to impeach him.” Guess with the other Southern primaries this week Florida couldn’t let the loonie spotlight get away.

Glee” star Heather Morris is the latest celebrity to have alleged naked pictures (allegedly from her phone) “stolen” and posted online. When will people learn, if you take your clothes off turn your phone off….

Men can ignore these last comments: Ben to Courtney on the Bachelor, “you are my forever.” Or at least my for “until I see the videos of the show in March.”

Watching Courtney on the Bachelor makes me realize that if this thing doesn’t work out with Rielle, John Edwards might have found his trophy wife soulmate.

Anyone else think Ben’s proposal might have as much lasting relevance as a vote for Rick Perry in the 2012 GOP Primary?

Springing forward….

March 11, 2012

Rick Santorum sent his oldest daughter to Hawaii in advance of their state caucuses. Mitt Romney sent his son to Guam and the Northern Mariana Islands. So there’s a method to the madness in not having birth control, more offspring to campaign for you.

A woman hiker survived for 3½ weeks in a New Mexico national forest before being found on Wednesday with just her cat and a blue sleeping bag. What’s more impressive, that she didn’t try to eat the cat, or that the cat didn’t try to eat her?

Pat Knight, coach of Lamar, son of Bobby, in a rant two weeks ago “We’ve got the worst group of seniors right now that I’ve ever been associated with. Their mentality is awful. Their attitude is awful….” Since then the Cardinals have won six straight and are going to the NCAA Tournament. The GOP has asked if after the tournament Pat would be willing to coach their candidates?

Regarding this As-Giants territorial rights issue, which has been dragging on for three years, Bud Selig says “it’s on the front burner.” Maybe, but if so Selig turned off the gas a long time ago.

One year into the Pac 12, the Stanford Cal “Big Game” has been moved to mid-October (and Stanford-USC to 2 weeks before students arrive in Palo Alto.) And in their 1st year in the conference, Colorado probably knocked Arizona and maybe Cal out of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament. But, hey, there are those television contracts.

Not that I spend much time listening to Rush Limbaugh. But all these advertisers suddenly pulling spots after his recent comments about Sandra Fluke – have they ever paid attention to what he has been saying for years?

Ellen Degeneres just gently spoofed “The Bachelor” on her show. Although had she wanted to, Ellen could have used the show, with its proposal at the end, as an argument against legalized heterosexual marriage.

Sarah Palin is dismissing the movie “Game Change” as unimportant. Well, it takes one….

Mitt Romney won the Wyoming caucuses with 47 % of the vote. Or with 47 votes? Not sure. Maybe it’s the same number.

Rick Santorum won the Kansas GOP primary after Mitt Romney did not even campaign there. Guess Mitt couldn’t figure out anything nice to say about the height of the trees, or what Kansan food specialty he liked.

The Jets signed Mark Sanchez to a $58.25 million five year contract making him the seventh-highest paid QB in the NFL. Sounds like New York has gone from Linsanity to Insanity.

The Detroit Lions’ Ndamukong Suh was ticketed for driving 91 m.p.h. in a 55-m.p.h. zone this weekend in Oregon. Guess Suh also needs to learn not to stomp on the gas.

Open note to anyone who thinks women in sports aren’t as tough as men: LSU women’s basketball coach Nikki Caldwell, who played for Tennessee during the 1990s, had her team lose in the SEC finals last Sunday night, gave birth to a girl, Tuesday morning, and will be back for the women’s tournament.

Hard knocks?

March 9, 2012

San Diego Chargers QB Philip Rivers just enthusiastically endorsed Rick Santorum for President. The NFL is reviewing tapes to see if the Saints or any other team gave him a particularly hard hit to the head.

Mitt Romney said in an Alabama radio interview that the state’s upcoming primary is “a bit of an away game.” Right, but to put it in real Alabama football terms, considering the amount of money Mitt has spent (more than his opponents combined), it’s like an away game for the Crimson Tide against U Mass.

Cindy McCain ripped the movie “Game Change” because, amongst other things, “my husband is way cuter than Ed Harris.” And we thought John was the McCain who was getting old and amongst other things, losing his eyesight.

As pundits discuss the possible teams interested in Peyton Manning, have to wonder, had a certain four-game losing streak continued, would one of those teams had been his brother’s NY Giants?

The feds are investigating the Auburn’s mens’ basketball team for alleged point shaving. Shocking. An investigation into the SEC and football is not involved?

Peyton Manning said he will make a decision about 2012 within a week. “You can do that?” responded Brett Favre.

Some are wondering why Sarah Palin is backing Newt Gingrich. One possible reason? He makes her look stable.

(Augie says, maybe she’s vying to be his fourth wife?)

Taco Bell has just announced their nationwide rollout of the “Doritos Locos Taco” – a taco inside a shell that is basically a Nacho Cheese Dorito. But hey, for the health conscious, the “Supreme” version comes with reduced-fat sour cream.

Meanwhile, Coca Cola is adjusting its caramel color. Because “4-MEI”,, part of the current formula is on a California list of additives that will soon require a cancer warning label. So this is good news for all the health-food fans who guzzle Coke.

Jonathan Papelbon told a Philadelphia radio station that Phillies fans “tend to know the game a little better” than fans in Boston. Well, all those folks who printed up the “Johnny Damon is Judas” t-shirts will be getting out the silk screens again.

The Orlando Magic’s Dwight Howard is indicating that if he gets traded, he wants to be “the guy” on whatever team he ends up on. Uh, only one problem Dwight, as Lebron might tell you, when a team has just one “guy” they usually end up watching most of the playoffs at home.

Michelle Bachmann claims the outrage over Rush Limbaugh’s comments is hypocritical and just because he is a conservative. Well, liberals may be overly gleeful about the controversy, but imagine the reaction if Jon Stewart referred to a promiment GOP woman or her daughter as a “slut.”

Before he died, Andrew Breitbart claimed he had an incendiary video that could take down President Obama. The 1991 video show Obama speaking at a peaceful Harvard rally about tenuring black professors. College students protest? Gosh. And where was the outrage about Romney at Stanford protesting in favor of the Vietnam War?

On the other hand, solar flares are hitting the Earth today, with possible disruptions to communications systems and power grids. It’s all Obama’s fault.

These days, Mitt Romney is almost hoping someone has a scandalous video of him. Might help his image. Something racy like having a beer, or dancing, or kissing a girl in college..

And okay readers, let’s make this an interactive post. What would be a scandalous video for Mittens? Other friends’ suggestions have been, going out without hair gel, shopping at Walmart, or having a double latte at Starbucks (Mormons are not supposed to drink caffeine.)

Bad games and bad guys.

April 6, 2011

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will insist their next labor deal includes testing for HGH. Well, why not? Their  steroid testing is going so well…

Sigh. At least now a player can’t go to the Pro Bowl in the same year as they get a steroid suspension.

Brought to my attention by my friend Richard Kronish. Rutgers is paying Nobel Laureate Toni Morrison $30,000 to give their commencement speech. The Rutgers student organization paid $32,000 for “Snooki” to speak last week.

Prosecutors in the Barry Bonds perjury trial failed in their bid to get a “recently discovered” audio tape of a alleged conversation between two key witnesses heard by the jury.

Leaving aside guilt or innocence, (and yes, I think Bonds knew what he was taking) I don’t think Judge Ito would have allowed a “recently discovered” tape, even of a confession, heard by the jury in the last days of the O.J. trial.

“One and done” is the term fans use to describe the phenomenon of basketball players going to college and then leaving for the NBA one year later. “One and done” also describes the reaction of any fan of other sports who tuned in last night to watch their first NCAA men’s basketball final.


Not to say last night’s NCAA men’s basketball final was bad. But James Naismith is reportedly spinning in his grave.


There is some talk that due to recruitment violations, UConn may have to eventually give up their national championship. The game was so ugly, Coach Jim Calhoun is thinking of telling the NCAA – “Just take it, we don’t want the darn thing anyway.”


Regarding the NCAA’ women’s championship

As a Stanford fan it was fun to watch Notre Dame lose. But have to figure the Cardinal women’s team watched tonight and realized that yes, they did let a great chance for a national championship slip away.


And watching some of the game, you had to figure either Texas A & M or Notre Dame would have matched up well with Butler or UConn.


Kirstie Alley and her “Dancing with the Stars” partner took a tumble during the show tonight. Wonder what it registered on the Richter scale?


Well, at least he’s consistent. Newt Gingrich called for the impeachment of Bill Clinton while he was cheating on his own wife. Now Newt is complaining that President Obama is trying to “extort contributions” by announcing his reelection bid so early. Gingrich raised about $15 million himself last year….


March 30, 2011

Stanford women heading to the Final Four in Indianapolis.  Along now  with Texas A & M, Connecticut and Notre Dame.  Shocking results compared to the mens’ bracket.   Two number one seats, and two number twos.  And not an arrest or academic suspension between them.

The smuggest person in America today? Whoever it was on the NCAA selection committee who lobbied to have VCU included for one of those play-in spots.

Meanwhile, up in Canada, the government is auctioning off ladies thongs. (Apparently a lot of stolen property recovered from an Ottawa lingerie shop after insurance had already paid off the owners.) 

Hey, it worked for the San Francisco Giants, maybe the Blue Jays should put in a bid.

The Fiesta Bowl fired their longtime CEO John Junker today. An internal report found all sorts of financial irregularities, and “an apparent scheme” to reimburse employees for political contributions plus “an apparent conspiracy” to cover it up. A BCS executive is less than straightforward and honorable? I’m shocked, shocked.

Cleveland Cavaliers 102, Miami Heat 90. This might be the most embarrassing sports story of the day not involving shrunken testicles.

Jalen Rose has been arrested for an alleged DUI in Michigan. Which means the former Fab Five star may now wish he hadn’t gone out of his way, especially if he wants a black lawyer, to have alienated anyone who was educated at Duke and other “elite” colleges..

Radio host Mike Catherwood is the first celebrity voted off the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”   Which provoked a surprised response from most Americans:  – “Who the heck is Mike Catherwood?”

Abercrombie and Fitch has apparently been trying to sell a padded bra for seven-year old girls. I hate to think what padded thing they are thinking of for seven-year old boys.

Apparently California Republicans are worried about a measure that would move the state’s presidential primary from February to June. It’s partly that they think the race would be over by then, and partly because even our GOP can’t stand the thought of listening to some of these loonies for four more months.

Sarah Palin says “Gaddafi’s gotta go, killing or capturing,” because he’s going to attack the U.S. 

Sarah, Sarah…. Gaddafi can’t even see the U.S. from his house.

Okay, I concede that almost everyone connected with the Bonds trial (including Barry) is sleazy. But I really wish they would call Bud Selig to the stands and ask him under oath what he thought was going on with all those suddenly amazing home run hitters?

Rick Santorum now says the Social Security system would be in much better shape if there were fewer abortions, because then we would have more people alive to work and pay into the system. Right. Stand by for his next speech when Santorum discovers the concept of welfare.

Higher math?

March 21, 2011

For anyone who thinks basketball players don’t need to go to class, Texas proved today it is nonetheless a good idea that they at least learn enough math to know how to count to five. 

Or at least enough history to remember what happened to Chris Webber when he forgot that too.

Seminoles 71 – Fighting Irish 57. This news upset Notre Dame alums, residents of South Bend, IN, Gainesville, FL and approximately no one else.

#11 seed Marquette over #3 seed Syracuse. One overrated Big East team knocks off another overrated Big East team.

“Boilermaker” – a drink consisting of a beer chaser and a shot of tequila, whiskey or vodka. And what sports fans will be drinking tonight who had Purdue into the Elite Eight.

A T & T is now buying T-Mobile. And the new company will encompass the former Pacific Bell, SBC (Southern Bell) and about half the other original Bell companies. So just how big does A T & T have to get before the government breaks them up again?

My favorite current factoid from the 2011 NCAA tournament: As we await the Sweet Sixteen there are as many teams from the Big East left as there are from Richmond, Virginia.

Mark Barron, Alabama’s leading tackler in 2010, was arrested last night for misdemeanor “hindering prosecution,” (whatever that means.) No word on whether the school will suspend him in 2011 for the game against Kent State or the game against North Texas.

Tiger Woods’ new girlfriend is apparently a 22 year old student from Ohio attending a Florida branch of Michigan-based Northwood University. Northwood states their mission is to develop “future leaders of a global, free-enterprise society.” So she’s old enough to respect Tiger’s money from free enterprise, and young enough that she maybe doesn’t member the details of Tiger’s marriage.

Facebook tells me I have 12 friends who “like” Sarah Palin. I will refrain from comments other than to say that this proves the ability of social media to forge friendships that transcend traditional social boundaries. (But, okay, guys, really?)

John Boehner is criticizing President Obama again, this time saying he has a “responsibility to define what the mission in Libya is, better explain what America’s role is in achieving that mission, and make clear how it will be accomplished.” Surprising that a Republican would ever again use “mission” and “accomplished” in the same sentence.

U Conned?

February 23, 2011

U Conn basketball coach Jim Calhoun was suspended for 3 games for recruiting violations. The team also lost scholarships and was put on 3 years probation, but the Huskies avoided a postseason ban. Apparently the precedent cited was “NCAA vs. SEC football.”

Anne Hathaway said in an interview that she won’t be heckling fellow Hollywood stars as co-host of the Oscars. Thus giving millions of Americans another reason to skip the opening of the telecast.

Rahm Emanuel has won the Chicago mayoral election and avoided a runoff. Impressively, he even got the votes of over 50 percent of the voters who are still actually alive.

Apparently Frank Bailey, former Chief of Staff to Sarah Palin, says in his upcoming book the Alaska governor was more concerned about image than issues. Really? The next thing we’ll hear is that Nicole Kidman has used Botox.

The U.S. State Department just issued a warning telling Americans to “defer all non-essential travel to Libya.” What was their first clue?

Justin Bieber apparently got a haircut this weekends. “Wow, that’s fascinating,” said absolutely no one over the age of 15.

Hank Steinbrenner criticized the Yankees for a lack of focus after winning the World Series in 2009, saying “Some of the players are too busy building mansions and doing other things, not concentrating on winning….”

Yeah, Steinbrenner should know about dealing with success.  He made his money the old-fashioned way – he inherited it.

Sometimes you just have to wonder if anyone in marketing actually reads or thinks about their own ads.

This was sent to agents Tuesday morning, February 22, as a special of the week by a major Hawaii operator:  “ACT NOW! Reduced airfare rates to Hawaii: From $452 for 3 nights’ accommodation and air. Rate valid for travel on United Airlines through 2/28/11.”

My friend Nick E.  points out that Tuesday was is Florida Annexation Day! 190 years ago Florida was annexed as a US territory from Spain for $5 million. Wonder how much we would have to pay Spain today to take them back.

The Carnegie Deli in New York is putting a Carmelo Anthony sandwich on the menu – including corned beef, pastrami, salami, bacon, russian dressing and tomato. Knicks fans are just hoping the trade doesn’t leave them feeling as sick as eating the sandwich.

Occidental College lost their season finale in basketball tonight, 46-45 to Caltech, which came into the game on a 310 (not a typo) game conference losing streak. Suddenly that Lakers loss to Cleveland doesn’t seem QUITE so embarrassing.

A Saturday without college football?

December 11, 2010

This week, between the regular season and the bowls, is basically the only Saturday without college football. Well, okay, there are some FCS (Division 2) playoffs, and the Army-Navy game.   Which basically means for hard core college fans the message is – “Don’t ask what’s on,” and “Don’t tell me the answer.”

There is of course a big award ceremony in New York, where the only drama is whether the likely winner is likely to keep his trophy. Maybe for the sake of clarity this year’s award should be referred to as “the Interim Heisman?”

Saturday over 109,000 fans will crowd into Michigan Stadium for an outdoor hockey game featuring the Wolverines and Michigan State Spartans. This will be the largest crowd at the stadium for any event other than a football game. At least until Michigan sells tickets to the public firing of Rich Rodriguez.

Urban Meyer resigned from Florida “to spend more time with his family.”  But there is that Broncos head coaching job open, with Tim Tebow. Standby for God to give Meyer a sign about expanding the definition of family.

A document written by James Naismith 119 years ago detailing the 13 rules of basketball was sold for over $4 million Friday. Naismith wrote the rules while a YMCA PE instructor, as an idea to entertain boys during the winter. Apparently he was particularly concerned about finding an outlet for a young Greg Oden.

No one was hurt when a camel and her costumed rider fell into the audience during a rehearsal for a Christmas pageant in Florida. I can imagine it now – “We Three Kings….” oops, make that two kings.

A Burger King employee is in custody today because he punched a 67 year old customer who was allegedly being disruptive, and the man later died. This is shocking. Normally the only thing that will kill you at Burger King are those double and triple Whoppers.

How lucky is Alex Smith?  He’s had a horrible several years in and as out as quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, and his poor performances look likely to continue. And yet, he’ still won’t go down in history as the worst Northern California quarterback draft pick this decade.

The World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating Dimitrij Ovtcharov, who won a silver medal for Germany in table tennis at the Beijing Olympics. Apparently the agency became suspicious when he jumped the net to congratulate an opponent.

Cam Newton says he “is not disappointed in his father.” Why should he be? Dad got the money and covered his son’s ass to boot.   Not a bad job.

‎65 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training 2011.  And about three weeks after that until Cubs fans start staying “Wait until Next Year.’

Sarah Palin is going to Haiti for a humanitarian mission. This could work. Democrats, and some Republicans, are frantically raising money for the beleaguered country in hopes of offering them enough to keep her.

Allegedly Palin is heading to Haiti because she wants to show her strength in Barack Obama’s childhood home.   I mean, Haiti, Hawaii, it’s the same place, right?  An island that starts with H and ends with I. (Unfortunately she can’t see either from her house.)