Posted tagged ‘Bachelor jokes’

On and on…

October 26, 2016

4 hours & 4 minutes for 5-1 Chicago win. Good thing Cubs have plenty of fans because these first two World Series games  would not convert many to MLB

Blowout baseball games are really only fun to watch if you’re a fan of the team doing the blowing-out. Another reason Fox might consider showing more regular season games to create national rather than regional interest….

 

Just one game and one win, but tonight did Lakers get a taste of what it might have been like to have Kobe Bryant retire sooner?

Yoenis Cespedes has opted out of his #Mets contract and plans to test free agent market. Because 4 teams in 6 years wasn’t enough?

Looking at all these bundled-up players in 40 degree temperatures during the World Series makes me nostalgic for Candlestick Park.

A police report on the crash that took the life of Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez found “a strong odor of alcohol” and evidence that whoever was driving the boat was speeding and driving with “recklessness” that was “exacerbated by the consumption of alcohol.”
Sad, really sad. But “I am shocked, said nobody.”

American is going to be the next major U.S. airline to start selling “Basic” economy fares – no changes, standby, seat assignments, etc. So how low can they go – the option to fly as cargo?.

Newt Gingrich tweeted today “‘For the record Megyn Kelly is wrong, I don’t have anger management issues. I do have media bias issues!” Wonder if he was shouting while he wrote it.

 

Story out of Australia is that two beautiful young women who were contestants on the “The Bachelor” did indeed find love. With each other. Hmm, if this becomes a thing might increase U.S. men’s viewership.

All of this “repeal and replace” about Obamacare that the GOP is spouting. Of course what they don’t spout is that they want to replace it with nothing.

 

 

 

Trump says he’s going to spend over $100 million on his campaign before election day. Has someone told him he can’t take this loss off his taxes?

Trump today “I will never, ever take the African-American community for granted — unlike Hillary.”‘
Okay but while the Donald castigates Hillary for what she didn’t do in the Senate, why, with all his decades-old business empire can Trump not name a thing he has done as far as minority hiring and other outreach?

 

Donald Trump said last week that “I will reverse Obama’s executive orders & concessions towards Cuba.” Meaning besides travel that Cuban rum & cigars will become illegal again. Forget sexual assault, racism, healthcare etc, this might be the “trump” card for Hillary to woo white men.

From Alex Kaseberg  “A youth football team was kicked out of its league in Rhode Island when they snuck a grown man into their lineup. Man, Johnny Manziel cannot catch a break.”

Folks I suppose became suspicious when the team beat the Browns.

From Paul Lander.  Indeed, the gift that keeps on giving:   “Happy 69th Birthday, @HillaryClinton. Don’t forget to send the Republican Party a thank you for the gift of nominating Trump.”

 

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If you are reading this….

March 15, 2016

And haven’t pressed “submit” tonight, either you don’t care or shouldn’t you be working on your brackets?

As we approach March Madness, remember, nothing is certain but death, taxes, and Kansas finding a way to lose before the finals.

 

 

In retrospect one reason shows like “The Bachelor” are so popular – you get to watch people make really stupid decisions and it doesn’t affect the fate of the world? ‪#‎Presidentialprimaries‬

 

 

So now Pete Rose’s lawyer is denying that Rose sent Trump a baseball saying “Mr. Trump, please make America great again.” The Donald claims the baseball was an endorsement.
And how could you doubt either of these fine  gentlemen? ‪#‎sarcasm‬

Disney has announced that Harrison Ford, 73, will return for a fifth Indiana Jones movie in 2019. Only this time the lost relic will be Jones himself.

The US House is holding two hearings on the water crisis in Flint, Michigan. Would that they keep at this with the same intensity they have on Benghazi.

 

New England Patriots safety Nate Ebner will take a leave of absence from the team to train for the U.S. rugby team and this summer’s Olympics. Other international rugby teams just demanded a guard on the rugby balls.

A traffic monitoring group says that the average San Francisco commuter spent more than three days in traffic in 2015. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “amateurs.”

Rick Pitino, defending his embattled Louisville program, says that the problem was a graduate assistant, Andre McGee “whose sole responsibility was to make sure they do the right things.”
Right, because in major programs, all graduate assistants have the power and the $$$$$$ to hire prostitutes. And none of the coaching staff would have any clue.
I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat better.”

Hillary Clinton was caught on a “hot mic” speculating about Chris Christie’s reasons for endorsing Donald Trump. “Did he have a debt or something?” Whatever you think of Hillary, the woman is not stupid.

So what’s the difference between ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬ and ‪#‎JebBush‬?   About three weeks? ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

Ben Carson, in explaining why he endorsed the Donald, said that even if Trump “turns out not to be such a great president … we’re only looking at four years.” as opposed to if the Democrats win “multiple generations and perhaps the loss of the American dream forever.”
Wow, well at least someone thinks Hillary is powerful.

 

So folks saying they always knew ‪#‎Trump‬ ‪#‎Clinton‬ would be 2016 Pres. candidates also will pretend their 1st weekend brackets are perfect?

Donald ‪#‎Trump‬ is  saying. “We need to bring our party together.”. And never has Tonto’s quote been more apt  – “Who’s ‘we’. white man?”

‪#‎TedCruz‬, doubling down on promise to be a strong president for Israel. Sorry, I thought we were choosing President for the US? ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

 

Since ‪#‎TedCruz‬ might be last alternative to ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ would like to thank the San Antonio  ‪#‎Spurs‬ for reminding us of the possibilities of sanity in Texas.

Jerry Brown,  “If Trump were ever elected, we’d have to build a wall around California to defend ourselves from the rest of this country.”

Another reason we Californians love Governor Moonbeam 2.0.   (He did add   “By the way that is a joke. We don’t like walls, we like bridges.”)

Sliders

February 25, 2016

 

Major League Baseball has changed the rules this year to say runners must make a “bona fide” slide at second base. Chase Utley’s response – “It will definitely help keep guys healthy for sure.” Well, if Utley starts obeying the rule it will certainly keep opposing pitchers from throwing at his head….

#‎MLB‬ will limit mound visits this year to 30 seconds. Well how will players be able to decide on good wedding gifts? ‪#‎Candlesticks‬

Dexter Fowler, who turned down a 1-year $15.8 million qualifying offer with the Cubs, just ended up signing to return to Chicago for $8 million. And then I presume Fowler fired his agent.

ESPN has named Albert Pujols’ contract with the Angels as the worst in MLB for 2016. Hmm, is this a challenge for Pablo Sandoval?

Supermodel Chrissy Teigen published a cookbook (what, super models eat?) that included a picture of her dog wearing a collar with Teigen’s personal cellphone number on it. So Chrissy had to change her number.
Well, that ought to do wonders to dispel the image of dumb blondes.

Spelling, another commie-pinko liberal concept:  oklahoma

 

One good thing about tonight’s  ‪#‎GOPDebate‬, easy to listen from the kitchen while cooking dinner without turning up the sound. ‪#‎nonstopshouting‬

 

 

The latest GOP debate knocked the latest mass shootings, in Kansas, right out of the top headline. Once again, just imagine the ratings these debates would get ‪#‎ifonlytheywerearmed‬

Carnival Cruise Lines is now selling a prepaid drink package that includes wine and spirits up to $50 per serving. With all due respect, if you drink stuff that is that high-end, just guessing you won’t be on Carnival.

Emily Maynard won “the Bachelor,” and then after breaking up with the guy, became “the Bachelorette” got engaged again and broke up with him too. Now married to someone she didn’t meet on TV, Maynard has written a book “I said Yes”, because she thinks God “gave me the platform to help grow his kingdom.”
And God is thinking “What, it’s not enough that I’m getting blamed for Ted Cruz….”

Former Mexico President Vincente Fox on Trump’s plans: “I declare, I’m not going to pay for that f—–g wall.” Well, if the Donald is elected, how long before Canadian PM Justin Trudeau decides they’ll pay for a wall to keep Americans out?

In response to protests from anti-abortion activists Lands’ End has pulled an interview with Gloria Steinem from their website – the feature wasn’t about abortion, but was rather part of a series on “individuals who have made a difference in both their respective industries and the world at large.”
Well, there’s one company to take permanently off my shopping list.

 

Is it safe?

January 6, 2016

Many are condemning President Obama’s executive orders on guns , although they seem relatively mild. But let’s be real, if the car makers of America had as much political clout as the NRA, there would be an outcry if Obama made safety proposals about driver’s licenses.

 

Actually President Obama probably has it wrong; if he REALLY wanted to get serious gun control passed, he would quietly encourage the formation of American “Open Carry” Muslim groups.=

 

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones says the team is open to “some risks” in getting a new young backup QB. Let’s see, wonder how many seconds after that remark went online did Jones get a phone call from Cleveland?

Just waiting for someone to ask those ‪#‎OregonMilitia‬ men who they are endorsing for President.

 

Eight Ohio State Buckeyes so far are foregoing eligibility to declare early for the NFL draft. Knowing Urban Meyer and his players, have to wonder how many of them might have worn out the patience of the Columbus police?

The new “Bachelor” season has begun. Might not bode well for some of the presidential candidates – Americans now have another way to get their regular dose of “crazy.

A six-year-old Canadian boy, Syed Adam Ahmed, has apparently been on Canada’s no-fly list since he was a toddler because of his name. Waiting for Donald Trump to weigh in and say “You can’t be too careful.”

 

 

Tonya Couch, the mom of “affluenza” teen Ethan, waived an extradition fight and will be returned to Texas. Her lawyers issued a statement While the public may not like what she did, may not agree with what she did, or may have strong feelings against what she did, make no mistake — Tonya did not violate any law of the State of Texas and she is eager to have her day in court.”
Just guessing this might be one of the few times a bipartisan jury might agree otherwise.

SF  49ers reportedly talking to Mike Shanahan about coaching vacancy. Makes sense, after Dan Snyder in Washington,  49ers owner Jed York might seem almost normal

 

In Texas, a 20-year-old young woman who was acting as a designated driver New Year’s Eve for her sorority sisters was shot dead in an apparent road rage incident. Now a suspect has been arrested, and he is an active Marine. So how do you stop a “good guy” with a gun? ‪#‎ifonlythesisterswerearmed‬

 

Arkansas  Senator Tom Cotton, a Republican, endorsed Bernie Sanders in the Democratic Primary. Wonder which Democrat in Congress might respond by endorsing Rand Paul?

A California Sheriff’s Deputy, Mark Heath, who drove cross country on vacation this December was arrested along with two friends, allegedly with 250 lbs of marijuana and $11,000 cash that they planned to deliver in Pennsylvania. In Yuba County, Heath was part of a drug and gang task force. He has now been placed on leave. (And he couldn’t have driven the pot to Oregon?) ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

 

 

Florida Atlantic University has officially fired James Tracy, a tenured professor who has publicly claimed the Sandy Hook killings were a hoax, and then feuded with parents of the victims. Good for them. But why do I think that there will no doubt be some who will be lining up to hire him?

Details, details.

March 13, 2014

Who says ESPN doesn’t pay enough attention to baseball.

bonds

 

Apparently the first week of Daylight Savings time is one of low productivity for Americans. And then next week starts March Madness. Guess we need to write off the month.

Mount St. Mary’s has reached the NCAA March Madness after going 16-16. But to be fair, in the NBA Eastern Conference, with that kind of record, the Mountaineers would probably be a #3 seed.

Chris Christie has ordered Tesla to close their direct sales offices in New Jersey, and only sell through franchised car dealerships. What happened to that conservative love of free market competition?

(a couple friends have suggested Christe’s just mad at Tesla because he can’t fit in one.)

A #SFGiants prospect who might make the team is Ehire Adrianza. Sounds like he could become #JohnTravolta‘s favorite player.

 

Just how big a jerk has Juan Pablo turned out to be? Even Massengill doesn’t want him as an spokesman.

 

Men’s Wearhouse is buying Jos. A Banks. Now you will be able to buy 10 cheap suits for the price of 1. I guarantee it.

In San Diego, police say several frat boys on spring break broke into SeaWorld at night, stole ice cream, and went looking for animals to take pictures with. What a shame they didn’t fall into the shark tank.

The 18 year old New Jersey honor student who sued to get her parents to support her has apparently moved back home. Anyone thought of setting this princess up with Justin Bieber?

Meanwhile, his lawyer is now blaming America’s obsession with celebrities for Justin Bieber’s bad behavior. Can’t imagine how the singer gets the reputation for a complete lack of self-awareness.

According to US Weekly, Juan Pablo is apparently angry with the ‘Bachelor’ crew because he “thought they gave him no privacy and wanted to know too much about his personal life and what he was doing all the time.” Right, because if you want to guard your privacy everyone knows the best place to do that is on a reality show.

 

So the mystery Iranians on flight 370 apparently were simply young men trying to skirt visa laws to get to Europe. #bummernowwecantbombsomeone?

 

Former Florida Governor Reubin Askew, 85, is apparently in “very grave condition” after a stroke. He was Governor when I lived in the state, and was a politican who did some things that actually made Florida admirable. Wishing him the best. #notalwaysabananarepublic.

Some are criticizing the President for going on “Between Two Ferns” to promote Obamacare. And I admit, I’d never heard of the show. But really,  folks, the President is trying to reach out to young people. “Between Two Ferns” makes a lot more sense than trying to appeal to both people under 30 who watch “60 Minutes.

 

Sounding silent?

March 10, 2014

Today is the 50th anniversary of the first recording of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence.” Of course now the “Sounds of Silence” is when the duo turn off their hearing aids.

Retired NBA star Tracy McGrady, who wants to play professional baseball, has been invited by the independent Atlantic League Sugar Land Skeeters to spring training. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the Miami Marlins.

The law of unintended consequences.  Millions of men look better to their spouses and girlfriends tonight. Simply because they are not Juan Pablo.

A Minnesota legislator tweeted “Let’s be honest, 70% of teams in NBA could fold tomorrow + nobody would notice a difference w/ possible exception of increase in streetcrime” Proving once again you don’t need to show your bare a** on social media to make an a** of yourself.

The Miami Heat clinched a playoff berth. But isn’t the requirement to clinch a playoff spot in the #NBA East to be “alive and breathing?

Sbarro pizza restaurant chain filed for bankruptcy court protection Monday, the second time in three years. Guess there’s increasingly less of a market for fans of Italian food who find Olive Garden too exotic.

The mystery regarding Malaysian flight 370 deepens. And it poses a quandary for some in the GOP – who do we criticize Obama for not bombing?

Apparently the father of the young woman paying her Duke tuition by doing porn is an army doctor, who just found out about her job when he returned from Afghanistan. Could have been worse. He could have found out while doing some online “browsing.”

Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford, 88, died over the weekend. Got to wonder in Dallas and Washington D.C. how many peoples’ ears pricked up when they heard “NFL” “Owner” and “Died” in the same sentence, and then thought “Darn….”

Truer words may never have been spoken. During a video deposition for a lawsuit involving his bodyguard, Justin Bieber was asked if Usher discovered him. He responded ““I was found on YouTube. I think I was detrimental to my own career.”

At his murder trial Oscar Pistorius vomited repeatedly today during graphic testimony about about the fatal injuries sustained by his girlfriend. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

Former GOP Governor of Florida Charlie Crist, now running again as a Democrat, said of his former party – they are now “perceived as being anti-women, anti-minority, anti-immigrant, anti-gay, anti-education, anti-environment I mean pretty soon, there’s nobody left.”

Senator Mitch McConnell, on the Tea Party and their primary challengers. “I think we are going to crush them everywhere. I don’t think they are going to have a single nominee anywhere in the country.” These days would Will Rogers have to say he’s a Republican?

A really tough search.

February 26, 2014

A GOP lobbyist says he is preparing legislation to prevent gay players from joining the NFL. Jack Burkman says “If the NFL has no morals and no values then the Congress must find values for it.” Thinking that in Washington putting CONGRESS in charge of morals and finding values has less of a chance than Diogenes finding his honest man .

 

Steve Elkington, (Who? Yeah, he won the PGA in 1995) tweeted a homophobic joke about Michael Sam. Right, because we all know when it comes to tough male athletes, we think of golfers first.

 

So Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has announced major cuts in the military budget, to just under $500 billion. Oh, the horror. Now the U.S. will only spend as much as the next seven countries beneath us combined….

Knicks PG Raymond Felton was arrested this morning three counts of criminal possession of a weapon. Well, we knew even the Nets’ signing of Jason Collins couldn’t mean Brooklyn had the New York NBA headlines for long.

#RaymondFelton has a court date of June 2. The NBA finals start June 5. So fortunately his arrest won’t affect this year’s #Knicks

Bachelorette season 8 winner Jef Holm told Us Weekly that Juan Pablo is “by far the sleaziest Bachelor.” Isn’t that statement kind of redundant?

One reason to watch the Bachelor: A few hours of these folks make all the people in your real life seem so much saner and more normal by comparison.

A Sonoma County man has been sentenced to six years in prison after his eighth DUI. Part of California’s 8 strikes and you’re out policy?

 

Ozzie Smith is leading a petition campaign to make MLB Opening Day a national holiday. With 100,000 signatures it would mean the Obama adminstation has to respond. Maybe Ozzie would have better luck if he made the petition say “create a holiday, and deport Bieber while you’re at it.”

The Washington Redskins posted a YouTube video congratulating Dale Earnhardt Jr. on his Daytona 500 win. Guess this is the closest the team thinks they will get to any kind of a championship.

Johan Santana threw for seven MLB scouts in Florida, and topped out at 81 mph. Maybe it wasn’t a great idea to get coaching on his fastball from Jamie Moyer?

Apparently Arizona Governor Jan Brewer will actually veto the anti-gay bill that would allow businesses not to serve customers based on religious beliefs. No doubt she has million$ of rea$on$ for her deci$ion.

 

My comedy writing friend Jerry Perisho asks “Could we lock Aaron Hernandez up with OJ Simpson?” I’m wondering if we could just lock him up for a little while with those douchebags who attacked Bryan Stow?