Posted tagged ‘juan pablo jokes’

Details, details.

March 13, 2014

Who says ESPN doesn’t pay enough attention to baseball.

bonds

 

Apparently the first week of Daylight Savings time is one of low productivity for Americans. And then next week starts March Madness. Guess we need to write off the month.

Mount St. Mary’s has reached the NCAA March Madness after going 16-16. But to be fair, in the NBA Eastern Conference, with that kind of record, the Mountaineers would probably be a #3 seed.

Chris Christie has ordered Tesla to close their direct sales offices in New Jersey, and only sell through franchised car dealerships. What happened to that conservative love of free market competition?

(a couple friends have suggested Christe’s just mad at Tesla because he can’t fit in one.)

A #SFGiants prospect who might make the team is Ehire Adrianza. Sounds like he could become #JohnTravolta‘s favorite player.

 

Just how big a jerk has Juan Pablo turned out to be? Even Massengill doesn’t want him as an spokesman.

 

Men’s Wearhouse is buying Jos. A Banks. Now you will be able to buy 10 cheap suits for the price of 1. I guarantee it.

In San Diego, police say several frat boys on spring break broke into SeaWorld at night, stole ice cream, and went looking for animals to take pictures with. What a shame they didn’t fall into the shark tank.

The 18 year old New Jersey honor student who sued to get her parents to support her has apparently moved back home. Anyone thought of setting this princess up with Justin Bieber?

Meanwhile, his lawyer is now blaming America’s obsession with celebrities for Justin Bieber’s bad behavior. Can’t imagine how the singer gets the reputation for a complete lack of self-awareness.

According to US Weekly, Juan Pablo is apparently angry with the ‘Bachelor’ crew because he “thought they gave him no privacy and wanted to know too much about his personal life and what he was doing all the time.” Right, because if you want to guard your privacy everyone knows the best place to do that is on a reality show.

 

So the mystery Iranians on flight 370 apparently were simply young men trying to skirt visa laws to get to Europe. #bummernowwecantbombsomeone?

 

Former Florida Governor Reubin Askew, 85, is apparently in “very grave condition” after a stroke. He was Governor when I lived in the state, and was a politican who did some things that actually made Florida admirable. Wishing him the best. #notalwaysabananarepublic.

Some are criticizing the President for going on “Between Two Ferns” to promote Obamacare. And I admit, I’d never heard of the show. But really,  folks, the President is trying to reach out to young people. “Between Two Ferns” makes a lot more sense than trying to appeal to both people under 30 who watch “60 Minutes.

 

Apologies to real douchebags

March 12, 2014

North Korea reported that Kim Jong Un was elected to the country’s highest legislative body with “unanimous approval of his district which had 100% turnout.” Well, 100% of now living voters, no doubt.

 

Religious radio talk show host Kevin Swanson is  claiming that Disney’s movie “Frozen” is the work of the Devil and “indoctrinates” children to be gay, because it talks about the love between sisters. Florida? Arizona? Texas?   Nope, Swanson is from Colorado. But to those other states… it’s your move.

Chelsea Clinton in a speech today said “I definitely taught my parents how to text.” And remembering Anthony Weiner, etc, most Americans are thinking, “Thank God you didn’t teach your dad until after he left the Oval Office.”

Open note to Dodgers fans whining about Barry Bonds spending a week helping out in SF Giants training camp. How’s your hitting coach doing these days? #glasshouses

Is #JuanPablo Spanish for “a**hole?” #TheBachelor

 

At Oscar Pistorius’s trial a friend who said that the “Blade Runner” had a big love for weapons,’ also said he agreed to “take the rap with pleasure” after Pistorius’s gun went off in a restaurant. Depending how the judge rules, we just might have found a cellmate for Aaron Hernandez.

George Zimmerman, telling an interviewer he doesn’t understand why people are still so upset with him. “But I’m willing to talk to everyone and try to answer their concerns or questions and help them realize there is no need to be angry.” #speechless

Cruise lines for years have had “gentlemen hosts” who were willing to dance with single women on board. Now Crystal Cruise Lines is introducing female hosts for single men looking for dance partners. Both of them?

 

Jerry Sandusky’s wife Dottie, in an interview with Matt Lauer: ‘I’m not a weak wife.” So does that means she’s delusional? Or evil?

Adam Vinatieri, 41, has signed another two-year deal with the Colts. So will he be the first kicker to run onto the field with his left blinker on?

 

Another winter storm is expected to drop several inches to two feet of snow from Chicago to New England over the next couple days. Note to God, if you want to send a “hell freezing over” message, maybe better to be a little more specific.

The 49ers have traded for Jonathan Martin. Makes some sense. Whatever you think of Jim Harbaugh, hard to imagine he suffers fools, or bullies.

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn: “49er Donte Whitner has signed with Cleveland.He should change his name to What?-ner”

Sounding silent?

March 10, 2014

Today is the 50th anniversary of the first recording of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Sounds of Silence.” Of course now the “Sounds of Silence” is when the duo turn off their hearing aids.

Retired NBA star Tracy McGrady, who wants to play professional baseball, has been invited by the independent Atlantic League Sugar Land Skeeters to spring training. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the Miami Marlins.

The law of unintended consequences.  Millions of men look better to their spouses and girlfriends tonight. Simply because they are not Juan Pablo.

A Minnesota legislator tweeted “Let’s be honest, 70% of teams in NBA could fold tomorrow + nobody would notice a difference w/ possible exception of increase in streetcrime” Proving once again you don’t need to show your bare a** on social media to make an a** of yourself.

The Miami Heat clinched a playoff berth. But isn’t the requirement to clinch a playoff spot in the #NBA East to be “alive and breathing?

Sbarro pizza restaurant chain filed for bankruptcy court protection Monday, the second time in three years. Guess there’s increasingly less of a market for fans of Italian food who find Olive Garden too exotic.

The mystery regarding Malaysian flight 370 deepens. And it poses a quandary for some in the GOP – who do we criticize Obama for not bombing?

Apparently the father of the young woman paying her Duke tuition by doing porn is an army doctor, who just found out about her job when he returned from Afghanistan. Could have been worse. He could have found out while doing some online “browsing.”

Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford, 88, died over the weekend. Got to wonder in Dallas and Washington D.C. how many peoples’ ears pricked up when they heard “NFL” “Owner” and “Died” in the same sentence, and then thought “Darn….”

Truer words may never have been spoken. During a video deposition for a lawsuit involving his bodyguard, Justin Bieber was asked if Usher discovered him. He responded ““I was found on YouTube. I think I was detrimental to my own career.”

At his murder trial Oscar Pistorius vomited repeatedly today during graphic testimony about about the fatal injuries sustained by his girlfriend. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

Former GOP Governor of Florida Charlie Crist, now running again as a Democrat, said of his former party – they are now “perceived as being anti-women, anti-minority, anti-immigrant, anti-gay, anti-education, anti-environment I mean pretty soon, there’s nobody left.”

Senator Mitch McConnell, on the Tea Party and their primary challengers. “I think we are going to crush them everywhere. I don’t think they are going to have a single nominee anywhere in the country.” These days would Will Rogers have to say he’s a Republican?