Posted tagged ‘airline jokes’

Cheers?

March 23, 2016

A new Harris study says that Americans drink more when they are happy and celebrating than when they are stressed and having bad days. Which does not quite explain beer sales over the years at Wrigley Field.

 

 

Carmelo Anthony says that Syracuse is going to beat Gonzaga on Friday: “We’re going to win. We’re going to the Elite 8.” Wonder if the 2016 Knicks could make it to the Elite 8.

Aaron Rodgers says he saw a UFO in New Jersey in 2005. Is he sure it wasn’t one of Eli Manning’s rookie year passes?

Conrad Dobler, 65, a retired NFL offensive guard, said in an interview talking about his memory loss. “I have six kids, I don’t even know their names.”
Sad, but in the NFL there are young men without CTE who don’t even know how many kids they HAVE.

 

The JetBlue flight attendant who fled a security checkpoint after being caught trying to smuggle 70lb of cocaine in her carry-on bag has turned herself in. Still trying to wrap my head around that 70 lbs – and I thought my purse was heavy.

After playing the Cuban national team the Tampa Bay Rays’ plane had mechanical issues and was stuck on the tarmac for hours in Havana. So the U.S. players must have felt right at home.

Forbes says the New York Yankees are the most valuable team in baseball, now at a $3.4 billion valuation. Imagine what they’d be worth with real playoff revenue again.

 

A-Rod told ESPN.com today that “I won’t play after next year.” Later he told the NY Daily News that after his contract ends in 2017, “we’ll see what happens.”
“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.

Lebron James said on the A&M comeback over UNI: “I would quit basketball. If I was on Northern Iowa, I would quit.”
Hmm, because that loss was almost as embarrassing as getting swept by the Spurs in the the 2007 NBA finals? ‪#‎stayclassy‬

At Stanford Shopping Center in  California, an off-duty police officer working security for a business accidentally left his gun in a restroom. Fortunately it was found and turned in by another security guard. Bringing to mind another question – how do you stop a stupid guy with a gun?

In Wisconsin, a 17-year-old girl who says she didn’t even know she was pregnant gave birth to a baby in her bathroom. Fortunately the child is doing well. Got to love that “abstinence only” education.

Jeb Bush has endorsed Ted Cruz. And Cruz must be so thrilled to have such a winner on his team.

Donald Trump is apparently furious at Ted Cruz for using a scantily-clad picture of Melania from her model days in a campaign ad. Hmm, well, if that upsets him so much am sure the Democrats will honor Trump’s wishes and never post any of those pictures in the general election.

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One thing is pretty certain out of this Cruz-Trump fight over pictures of their spouses. Pretty sure even the Donald wouldn’t have the stomach to post pictures of a nearly naked Bill Clinton.

 

Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are calling for extra surveillance of Muslim-Americans. But if you look at recent terrorist acts – there is another link that is even stronger- almost all the killers were relatively young men. So maybe what we REALLY need to do is start seriously monitoring men between the ages of 18-35.

Spurred on?

February 19, 2016

#‎Spurs‬ 119 ‪#‎Lakers‬ 113. Kobe Bryant 25 points, Tim Duncan double-double. Another great battle for the aged.

And here I thought the ‪#‎Spurs‬ looked rusty after the All Star Break. ‪#‎Warriors‬

The Texas Rangers will host an event this weekend where fans who hit a home run at the ballpark can win season tickets. The Atlanta Braves reportedly will have a scout at the event to offer the winning fan a contract.

Former ‪#‎Mets‬ ‪#‎Dodgers‬ and ‪#‎SFGiants‬ infielder ‪#‎JuanUribe‬ has signed with the ‪#‎Indians‬. Guess he got tired of all that playoff pressure.

Jonathan Papelbon has publicly apologized for choking Bryce Harper. Since Dusty Baker is the new Nationals manager, have to wonder if starting the season in long relief was a possible alternative.

Serious post for a change – R.I.P. former SF Giants player and manger Jim Davenport, 82, and former Oakland A’s infielder Tony Phillips, 56. 82 is sad, 56 is way way way too young.

Okay, a well-publicized story about a Detroit woman giving birth to her 14th child from 14 different fathers turns out to be fake. We should have known better, she wasn’t also the first woman to play in the NFL.

Harper Lee has passed away at the age of 89. Hope it wasn’t all those reviews of “Go Set a Watchman” that killed her.

Because of a flight delay, Chinese airline Hainan put two women, who didn’t know each other, up in a hotel near the airport. They ended up with an “erotic” room with whips, chains etc. Men are reading this and thinking “Just another way in which U.S. airlines lag foreign carriers.”

Apparently the U.S. no-fly list may have resulted in security problems and boarding delays for many Canadian children who have similar names to those on the list, even on flights within Canada. So assume their response is ‪#‎BlameAmerica‬

The University of Texas has announced that they will soon allow students to carry handguns on campus. Well, since most students are under 21, fortunately there’s no chance any of them will be able to drink while they carry. ‪#‎sarcasm‬

 

 

Robert Jeffress, pastor of the First Baptist Dallas church, says of Pope Francis’s comments about Christians not building walls: “The pope needs to ask for Donald Trump’s forgiveness for sing such an outlandish thing,” Once again, this is putting a whole new meaning on ‪#‎Jesuswept‬

#‎youcantmakethisstuffup‬ Donald Trump has tweeted out a call for a boycott of Apple until the company agrees to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s phone. He sent the tweet on his iPhone.

 

More of this “stuff” you can’t make up. Marco Rubio now says on “day one” of his presidency, he will stop protecting “Dreamers,” (undocumented immigrants who came to the U.S as children) from deportation. Great way to pay it forward for someone who was himself an anchor baby.

Sen. Ted Cruz, with the latest rationale for not holding Senate hearings for whoever Obama nominates to the Supreme Court. “I think that hearing would end up very politicized. And I don’t think it would be fair to the nominee.”
George Orwell would be SO proud.

Saw this trending on FB: “Jaimie Alexander and Peter Facinelli: Couple Ends Their Engagement, Representatives Say.” Anyone but me going “Who?”

Safe at home?

February 16, 2016

Buster Posey is moving permanently to Northern California. “My wife has just really fallen in love with the area. And as anybody who’s married knows, once your wife’s happy with a place… ”
And heck, with a 9 year $167 million contract, the Poseys can almost afford to buy a house here.

Clemson’s Deshaun Watson accepted the O’Brien Trophy for the best college football QB, and spoke of the team’s “unfinished business.” Hmm, wonder if that includes classes?

 

 

Manny Pacquiao has apologized after he compared gay couples to animals. So has the Filipino boxer been hit in the head one too many times? Or is he planning to move to the US and run for office as a Republican?

 

 

A British man managed to eat at all 46 London McDonald’s restaurants in a single day. Wonder when his services are scheduled.

So the audio went out for part of Adele’s song last night. And many Super Bowl viewers are thinking “Why couldn’t it have happened to Cold  Play?”

 

 

A German shorthaired pointer won the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Waiting for Trump to complain about a foreigner taking something from American dogs.

Headline on a tabloid magazine seen at the check stand “How Khloe saved Lamar.” Uh, except for the fact that Odom probably wouldn’t have been such a mess and ended up overdosing if he had never gotten involved with the Kardashians in the first place.

President Obama, talking about his plan to nominate a Supreme Court justice “The Constitution is pretty clear about what is supposed to happen now’
Waiting for Ted Cruz to respond “the Constitution is a living, breathing thing.”

George W. Bush in South Carolina, campaigning for his brother. “I understand that Americans are angry and frustrated but we do not need someone in the Oval Office who mirrors and inflames our anger and frustration.”
That’s a lot more articulate than he ever was as President.

A list of the world’s top airports for on-time flights is out, and #1 in the U.S. is… Minneapolis?! No joke. Think about that the next your airline delays your flight due to snow.

American Airlines is suing Go-Go internet to get out of their contract because they have found faster and better alternatives. Not sure of the legality here, but considering Go-Go charges about $35 for the mediocre internet they have on cross-country flights with United (2-3 times United’s other wi-fi prices), this might be the one time popular opinion is on the side of the airlines.

 

Ben Carson, asked in an interview if GOP candidates would say the same things about waiting to nominate a Supreme Court judge if there was a Republican president, responded “No, they wouldn’t.” So Dr. Carson is making a last-ditch push to pander to the reasonable faction of his party?Ben Carson, asked in an interview if GOP candidates would say the same things about waiting to nominate a Supreme Court judge if there was a Republican president, responded “No, they wouldn’t.” So Dr. Carson is making a last-ditch push to pander to the reasonable faction of his party?

Proof is not in the pudding?

December 31, 2015

Bill Cosby has been released on $1 million bail after being arrested on a 2004 sexual assault charge. Looks like it’s going to be a long trial of “He Said – “She She She She She She She She She She Said.”

 

ESPN reports that Cal quarterback Jared Goff will announce tomorrow that he will enter the NFL draft. Of course, if Goff ends up with the SF 49ers it may be a lateral move.

If there was any doubt that Stephen ‪#‎Curry‬ should be leading the ‪#‎NBA‬ ‪#‎MVP‬ vote at this point, the Warriors removed it Wednesday night against Dallas.

Johnny Manziel apparently reported to on Wednesday with “concussion-like” symptoms and is being evaluated. So he could miss the Browns’ final game Sunday. Hmm, am I the only one who wonders about the similarity between symptoms of concussions and hangovers?

Chip Kelly is gone, but 49ers head coach says “I’m going to coach until somebody tells me I’m not.” Too soon to start a pool…?

About 20 passengers on an Air Canada flight from China to Toronto were injured by turbulence today. Want to bet at least 19 of them decided they didn’t need to be wearing their seatbelts?

The FAA is investigating after Alaska Airlines accidentally landed a plane on a taxiway instead of a runway at Seattle Airport. Damned Apple maps.

Lots of talk about Colin Kaepernick and where he will be next year, but as one analyst said, with that kind of arm there will always be some team that thinks they can fix him. So basically Kap has become the football equivalent of a left-handed pitcher.

“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch is fighting extradition back to the United States. Hmm, so how much do we have to pay Mexico to keep him?

Authorities are sending ‪#‎Affluenza‬ mom Tonya Couch back to the U.S. where she faces up to 10 years for helping her son escape. While Ethan himself is looking at only 120 days for a probation violation. Why do I get the sense he’ll end up doing something to reunite himself with mom in jail in no time?

Microsoft has a new “selfie” app – which “takes age, gender, skin tone, lighting, and many other variables into account, applies different models automatically and finishes enhancement with just a single click.” So it’s supposed to IMPROVE your picture; clearly this is aimed at a generation with little experience of Windows.

Rand Paul is attacking Chris Christie, saying the Gov.has spent “219 days outside of New Jersey” (in 2015), even though he “signed a law requiring NJ public employees to be residents and spend majority of their time there.”
To be fair, maybe most residents of New Jersey prefer it when Christie is out of state.

 

Reserve Alabama cornerback has been sent home from the Cotton Bowl by Nick Saban for a “violation of team rules,” Proving once again that coach Saban can be a strict disciplinarian. As long as a reserve player and not a starter is involved.

Now for a serious thought, for a change.  Re Clinton and Trump: No one including me is denying that Bill Clinton is a tomcat and has behaved badly over sex. But there is a difference to my mind between Bill’s zipper problem and Trump’s flat-out insulting and hateful attitude towards women – “all of the women on “The Apprentice” flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” And calling a woman lawyer who needed to take a break to pump breast milk “disgusting.”

Taking a ribbing?

October 16, 2015

Bevo XIV, a longhorn steer who was the University of Texas mascot, has died from bovine leukemia. But he still might be a part of a memorial BBQ in his honor.

In Houston, amazingly no one was killed and six workers have been rescued after scaffolding collapsed at an apartment construction site downtown. It was the worst collapse the city has seen except for the Astros bullpen.

An American Airlines flight was delayed in Dallas by a swam of over a 1,000 bees. On a brighter note, that’s the first time in recent memory the airline has generated serious buzz

United’s new CEO has been soliciting feedback on the carrier from customers. Now he is apparently in the hospital after suffering a heart attack. Hope this isn’t from the shock of seeing what people think of the airline.

Fox News terrorism pundit Wayne Simmons was arrested yesterday after a grand jury indicted him on charges of falsely claiming to have been a 27-year CIA operative. Shame grand juries can’t indict for falsely claiming to be a credible presidential candidate.

So the state of Nevada has at least temporarily outlawed FanDuel and DraftKing, saying that their games are gambling and need a license. So now the only way to gamble in Nevada outside of a casino remains the stock market.

A little side note on that ‪#‎Owusu‬ catch. Yes,there was a defensive pass interference flag. ‪#‎Stanford‬ declined the penalty.

The German football federation says allegations in Der Speigel that it used over 10 million Swiss francs to bribe FIFA members to get the 2006 World Cup are “completely baseless.” Do they mean the idea of bribes or the amount of money?

Even a mean, blind, deaf and dumb squirrel finds a nut once in a while: Westboro Baptist Church says that they will protest Kim Davis on Monday for her “adultery,” claiming that the county clerk is a “proud, self-righteous hypocrite.”

While he wasn’t arrested Browns’ QB Johnny Manziel was apparently pulled over earlier this week in Cleveland when witnesses saw him arguing with his girlfriend in a car. And Manziel admitted to drinking. So congrats to all those who had October 16 in the pool.

Joe Biden’s camp is indicating that the V.P. is close to deciding if he will enter the 2016 Presidential race. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your effing mind.”

From T.C. ” Toronto Blue Jays fans pelted the field with objects after a controversial call went against them in game 5 of the ALDS. . Signs will be posted for their next game that patrons will be immediately ejected if they throw any beer cans, soda pop containers or Maple Leaf jerseys onto the field.”

Washed away

October 5, 2015

Oops. With “biblical” flooding in South Carolina, NBC’s weatherman Al Roker has now apologized for tweeting a selfie with him and his crew standing besides a flooded car. Guess it’s not just teenage girls who smartphones can make stupid.

The Supreme Court today denied to hear San Jose’s claim that MLB has illegally blocked the A’s attempt to move to the South Bay. Maybe the city would have done better if they framed the case as an issue of religious freedom. ‪#‎ibelieveinthechurchofbaseball‬

The CEO of Alaska said the airline lost his checked bag. And over at United they’re thinking “”For the first time? Amateurs.”

Yankees pitcher C.C. Sabathia has checked himself into alcohol rehab. Shocking. Not that an athlete goes to rehab, but he does it without being arrested first.

After the Saints OT win yesterday, Texas governor Greg Abbott said the Cowboys’ defense was “more porous than the Texas border.” Surprised he didn’t blame Obama.

Well, we now have the answer to the question – How are the ‪#‎Lions‬ going to screw up their chance to win tonight? ‪#‎MNF‬ ‪#‎DETvsSEA‬

So in close games in the 4th quarter should referees at CenturyLink Field just go ahead & put ‪#‎Seahawks‬ logo on their uniforms? ‪#‎DETvsSEA‬

American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. American Apparel is still in business?

In Tennessee last Saturday, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed an 8-year-old neighbor when the girl wouldn’t let him play with her puppy. ‪#‎Ifonlyshewerearmed‬

So just wondering ,how long until even atheists in SF start calling for ‪#‎Tebow‬? ‪#‎SF49ers‬

Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino, doubling down on his denials of being aware of a former director of basketball operations paying escorts to have sex with players and recruits – “Not myself, not one player, not one trainer, not one assistant, not one person knew anything about any of this. If anyone did, it would have been stopped on a dime. Not one person knew anything about it.”

Not ONE person? Again I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

Edward Snowden now is telling the BBC that he’d “volunteered to go to prison with the government many times,” if he returns to the US but had not received a formal plea-deal offer. Guess it says something about life in Russia these days if an American jail is more appealing.

Last week it came out that the Libertarian candidate for Senate in Florida had sacrificed a goat, now he also admits that in a pagan ritual he drank its blood. Where are the defenders of religious freedom on this one?

From Marc Ragovin –  “After only four games, the Miami Dolphins have axed head coach Bill Philbin. I guess Philbin now sleeps with the fishes.”

And guest driving on the bus to hell, T.C.  “Who knew that CC Sabathia was really CC & Seven Sabathia?”

An American Airlines pilot died last night in the cockpit of a red-eye flight to Boston. You know you’re on the bus to hell when the first thing you think of is “Airplane” jokes.

Serious thought for a change:

Jerry Brown, a former Jesuit seminarian, signed a bill in California today to allow terminally ill people to end their lives. The Catholic church opposes the bill, and the Governor said did not know what he would do if he were dying and in pain.
“But,I am certain, however, that it would be a comfort to be able to consider the options afforded by this bill. And I wouldn’t deny that right to others.”

Sometimes I think it’s a real shame Moonbeam is too old to run for President.

Numbers game?

September 17, 2015

We don’t need no stinkin’ DH.  #SFGiants

powers

Leaving aside the illegality of it, does Jeb Bush’s response of “Maggie Thatcher” for a woman to be on the $10 bill mean he can’t think of ONE worthy American woman? ‪#‎andhessupposedtobethesmartone

Jeb Bush tonight admitted to smoking marijuana 40 years ago, “other people might have done it but may not want to say it in front of 25 million people. My mom’s not happy that I just did.” Wow. Jeb smoked pot. And somewhere Barbara is thinking of his brother and just giggling.

Over 22 million people tuned into CNN’s debate last night. Well, if all it takes is an outspoken entertainer as part of the show to get people’s attention, can we include Jon Stewart or Bill Maher in the Democratic debate?

My friend Michael Powers noted this quote from Marco Rubio during the GOP debate: “These problems cannot be solved by intellect.”

Well, then that’s not an issue for most anyone who was on that stage.

Apparently Kobe Bryant’s torn rotator cuff has healed enough so that he has been cleared to participate in basketball activities. Well, and it’s not like he’ll need to use the shoulder to pass or anything.

American Airlines had a “technical issue” today that halted flights for about an hour at DFW, Miami, and O’Hare., their three main hubs.
How come it’s a “technical issue” when they have a problem, and at least a $200 change fee when YOU have a problem?

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Bengals kicker Mike Nugent is upset about the NFL making the PAT attempt longer.: “I don’t like the rule because — I could be wrong — but I don’t know of any rules that have been changed to make guys fail more.”

Well, two things. 1. Making “guys fail more” IS exactly the point. 2. Any rules, well, let’s start with lowering the MLB mound in 1969. And then there’s moving the kickoff, and the goalposts, and, well, I am sure my friends and readers have a long list.

Anthony Weiner has lost his job he started in July at that fancy PR firm. So congrats to all those who had Sept 16 in the pool.

Ann Coulter is facing more than the usual bipartisan criticism after she tweeted during the GOP debate “How many f–ing Jews do these people think there are in the United States?” Maybe she forgot that one of those Jews is Sheldon Adelson?

Defensive lineman Jonathan Taylor has been dismissed from both Alabama and Georgia for a total of three arrests, two for domestic violence, Now Taylor has enrolled at Southeastern Louisiana and joined the football team. Well, a guy’s got to do something before he joins the NFL.

The Coolidge, AZ, City Council voted Monday to allow prayers before council meetings, including a stipulation that they be Christian. Where are the GOP defenders of freedom of religion on this one?

Pitcher Mat ‪#‎Latos‬ made much of hating ‪#‎SF‬. Can’t wait to hear what he says about LA, now that the ‪#‎Dodgers‬ have DFA’ed him.


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