Posted tagged ‘airline jokes’

Worst and worstest?

November 21, 2016

The NFL played a game tonight in Mexico City. And Mexico is thinking “Wait, Trump is accusing US of sending criminals across the border?”

 

SF 49ers coach Chip Kelly, asked if he received any assurance from Jed York on his job next year. “No, we haven’t had any conversations about that at all. About anybody’s job security.”
Of course, in Kelly’s favor, who else might want to take on this mess?

U.S. Soccer just fired national team manager Jurgen Klinsmann. So congrats to all those who had Nov. 21 in the pool.

The Washington Redskins keep on winning. I blame Obama.

But is it just me or does the @NFL have a LOT of lousy football teams?

 

At Chicago’s O’Hare airport, hundreds of workers have announced a strike for Nov 29. They are waiting until Tuesday theoretically to miss the holiday weekend.
But okay, two days after Thanksgiving weekend? Should be lots of people still stuck at O’Hare.

LB Jerrell Freeman today became the second Chicago player suspended in a week for violating the NFL’s policy on PEDs.
The Bears are 2-8. Maybe this should be a warning to others, not only will PEDs get you suspended, they apparently don’t work.

 

Though easy material keeps on coming, I was really looking forward to tough task post-election of writing pantsuits jokes.

Imagine if Michelle Obama decided to stay in Chicago not to move girls from school in 2009. Would have been uproar on wasting taxpayer $$$.

So just guessing Green Day is not performing at Trump’s inaugural.

Mark the date, November 20, 2016.  Donald Trump tweeted  “I have always had a good relationship with Chuck Schumer. He is far smarter than Harry R and has the ability to get things done. Good news!”

So shall we start a pool on the date Trump decides Schumer is an idiot and/or crooked?

If Donald Trump really wants to keep illegal immigrants from getting jobs he doesn’t need a wall; just make it felony resulting in jail-time to hire them.

From Bill Littlejohn:  ““President Obama inviting the Chicago Cubs to the White House before he leaves office reminds one of a similar situation the last time the Cubs won the World Series, Pharaoh invited the Cubs for a visit just before the Ten Plagues of Egypt.”

Nobody’s perfect.

October 28, 2016

Jon Stewart, when he quit “The Daily Show” in 2015. “I’d covered an election four times, and it didn’t appear that there was going to be anything wildly different about this one.”

Another reason baseball is the BEST sport. In a 1-0 game you can’t just play keep-away & try to run out clock. #WorldSeries #Indians #Cubs

The World Series reminds us again that #As really are a farm system for the rest of MLB. #Crisp #Zobrist #Lester #Russell #Davis #Otero

While the SF Giants are not in the World Series, Giants fans had to like to hear ESPN’s play-by-play announcer Dan Shulman on Indians pitcher Tomlin “”he can handle bat though he’s no Bumgarner.”

The U.K. Telegraph finally posted an interview with Bob Dylan saying he “absolutely” wants to attend the Nobel Prize Ceremony “if it’s at all possible.”
Actually, Dylan probably gave the interview on the day he won the award, it’s just taken them this long to translate it.

A recent Chapman University poll showed that 32% of Americans are afraid of climate change, while 42% are afraid of clowns. #BeamMeUpScottieThereIsNoIntelligentLifeOnThisPlanet

In a debate with Tammy Duckworth, who is a Purple Heart winner from the Iraq War and double amputee, Sen. Mark Kirk made a jab at her mother’s being from Thailand. Among those who have criticized him, KellyAnne Conway. Thereby answering a question “How low do you have to go to be called out by the Trump campaign?”.

Today is #NationalChocolateDay. And women are going “Isn’t EVERY day ‘National Chocolate Day?'”

 

Pac 12 Commissioner Larry Scott, answering a reporter’s question about a TV contract that has Cal playing back-to-back weeknight games during a tough academic period. “That hasn’t been a parameter, academic schedules per se, so it hasn’t come up… Well of course not, the idea of big conference television contracts started with the SEC. #whatacademicschedules?

 

An American Airlines flight at O’Hare caught fire when a tire apparently blew on takeoff. Expect flight delays. And for United Airlines to immediately institute a tire maintenance fee.

“New” Clinton emails may be from #AnthonyWeiner. Will #FBI agents reading them get hardship pay for needing to take so many showers?

 

No doubt Hillary Clinton is furious over the alleged Anthony Weiner messages being used to reopen her FBI email investigation. On the other hand, she has to be very thankful sexting wasn’t an option during Bill’s time in the White House.

Rumor today that if Hillary Clinton wins she would like to name Biden as Secretary of State. Wonder if this means Joe, who would be 81,  wants to run for President in 2024?

 

From T.C.  “Tickets for this weekend’s games at Wrigley will average $5,000 ea. Of course, this includes Steve Bartman’s ticket. The Cubs gave him $10,000 to go watch the game at a bar in Miami.”

On and on…

October 26, 2016

4 hours & 4 minutes for 5-1 Chicago win. Good thing Cubs have plenty of fans because these first two World Series games  would not convert many to MLB

Blowout baseball games are really only fun to watch if you’re a fan of the team doing the blowing-out. Another reason Fox might consider showing more regular season games to create national rather than regional interest….

 

Just one game and one win, but tonight did Lakers get a taste of what it might have been like to have Kobe Bryant retire sooner?

Yoenis Cespedes has opted out of his #Mets contract and plans to test free agent market. Because 4 teams in 6 years wasn’t enough?

Looking at all these bundled-up players in 40 degree temperatures during the World Series makes me nostalgic for Candlestick Park.

A police report on the crash that took the life of Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez found “a strong odor of alcohol” and evidence that whoever was driving the boat was speeding and driving with “recklessness” that was “exacerbated by the consumption of alcohol.”
Sad, really sad. But “I am shocked, said nobody.”

American is going to be the next major U.S. airline to start selling “Basic” economy fares – no changes, standby, seat assignments, etc. So how low can they go – the option to fly as cargo?.

Newt Gingrich tweeted today “‘For the record Megyn Kelly is wrong, I don’t have anger management issues. I do have media bias issues!” Wonder if he was shouting while he wrote it.

 

Story out of Australia is that two beautiful young women who were contestants on the “The Bachelor” did indeed find love. With each other. Hmm, if this becomes a thing might increase U.S. men’s viewership.

All of this “repeal and replace” about Obamacare that the GOP is spouting. Of course what they don’t spout is that they want to replace it with nothing.

 

 

 

Trump says he’s going to spend over $100 million on his campaign before election day. Has someone told him he can’t take this loss off his taxes?

Trump today “I will never, ever take the African-American community for granted — unlike Hillary.”‘
Okay but while the Donald castigates Hillary for what she didn’t do in the Senate, why, with all his decades-old business empire can Trump not name a thing he has done as far as minority hiring and other outreach?

 

Donald Trump said last week that “I will reverse Obama’s executive orders & concessions towards Cuba.” Meaning besides travel that Cuban rum & cigars will become illegal again. Forget sexual assault, racism, healthcare etc, this might be the “trump” card for Hillary to woo white men.

From Alex Kaseberg  “A youth football team was kicked out of its league in Rhode Island when they snuck a grown man into their lineup. Man, Johnny Manziel cannot catch a break.”

Folks I suppose became suspicious when the team beat the Browns.

From Paul Lander.  Indeed, the gift that keeps on giving:   “Happy 69th Birthday, @HillaryClinton. Don’t forget to send the Republican Party a thank you for the gift of nominating Trump.”

 

Blow ups.

September 1, 2016

Facebook just changed their relationship status with SpaceX to “it’s complicated.”

At Cape Canaveral, a SpaceX rocket exploded on the launch pad this morning. SpaceX described the explosion as an “anomaly.” Fortunately there were no injuries. And airline spokespersons immediately filed “anomaly” away for future use.

 

Pamela Anderson, 49, has become an anti-porn crusader. Maybe because no one wants to see her sex tapes anymore?

As Colin Kaepernick doubles down on his anthem protest, angering many other NFL players, here’s an interesting side note: Right now the 49ers only have to pay him guaranteed salary for 2016. But if Kaepernick suffers a career-ending injury, he also gets $14.5 million guaranteed in 2017 and $5.2 million in 2018.
So if Kap plays this year, he’s one good hit away from a long paid vacation.

Would have been ironic tonight if angry fans went after #Kaepernick in San Diego & he needed a police escort to get out of stadium safely. #SFvsSD

Angry Mexican news anchor about Trump’s visit “The humiliation is now complete.” Which is the same sentiment felt by many rational members of the GOP.

NY Jets WR Brandon Marshall said he believes the Chicago Bears traded him after the 2014 season because of his in-season television work on Showtime’s “Inside the NFL” Well, that and Marshall’s receiving stats falling off almost 50% from the 2013 season.

 

All this talk about scary clowns in #SouthCarolina. Weren’t the presidential primaries months ago?

 

Appalachian State had a chance to beat Tennessee in regulation, but neglected to call their 3rd and last time out when they might have been in field goal range. Sounds like they spend as much time in math class as members of top NCAA programs.

Governor RIck Scott has issued a hurricane warning for Florida, saying that Hermine could be “life-threatening.” Surprised he didn’t add a warning to President Obama to stay out of the state’s business.

Donald Trump believes that American-born children of illegals should be deported. So what does that mean IF it turns out Melania skirted immigration law with her visa?

United Airlines says that 12 passengers were injured by “severe and unexpected turbulence” on an overnight flight to London while most were asleep. So what part of “keep your seatbelt fastened while you sleep” do most people not understand? #cantfixstupid #butyoucaninjurestupid

 

“Business Insider’ reports that Marco Gutierrez, who founded “Latinos for Trump’ said there could be “taco trucks on every corner” if the Donald isn’t elected.
Taco trucks? Hmm…Gutierrez might have just given a lot of Americans reasons to vote for Hillary.

 

 

From my friend Tony Alan Banks, who just may have solved one of the mysteries of the universe:   I’m 100% convinced that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.”

Taking a sit?

August 28, 2016

Now 49ers fans are apparently burning Colin Kaepernick jerseys. Okay, but is this really for his not standing for the anthem, or for his play since signing that big contract?

CNN.com headline “Star QB won’t stand for anthem.” And thinking “did someone else follow Kaepernick’s lead?” #49ers

 

Some are saying that Colin Kaepernick’s anthem protest could be a distraction from the 49ers play on the field this year. After a few games SF fans may be thinking “Promise?”

Wonder what it would take for #TomBrady to do or say before #Patriots fans would burn his jersey?

Maybe this was Kap’s way of making sure he wouldn’t be traded to Dallas.

And what’s next for Chip Kelly?  Trying to get the team to sign a less controversial backup QB?  Like Michael Vick?  And there’s always Tebow.

 

Four home runs and four triples Sunday? Who are these players in #SFGiants uniforms?

Somebody wasn’t in their happy place. Umpire Mike Everitt ejected four Detroit Tigers Saturday night during their game against the Angels. Wonder what happens if an ump ejects enough people that a team runs out of players.

Imagine what kind of a year the #Yankees might have had if they kicked #ARod to the curb earlier?

 

After today’s 13-3 game,  maybe someone from #SFGiants organization needs to lie down in front of #Braves plane and keep them from leaving town.

At least one terminal at LAX was evacuated after reports of a shooter tonight, which turned out to be a false alarm. If only other travelers at the airport were armed.

The latest from #LAX is that panic & evacuation tonight was caused by someone in a Zorro costume with a plastic sword. #Fearitselfiswinning.

 

 

In New Mexico, a police officer wearing a lapel camera apparently accidentally filled himself stealing confiscated marijuana from his own office. Is there such a thing as a career Darwin?

Two United Airlines pilots yesterday were arrested at Glasgow airport for allegedly being too drunk to fly their schedule flight to Newark. Will their defense be you need to be drunk to want to fly from Scotland to New Jersey?

 

Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson “He hasn’t changed his position on immigration. He’s changed the words that he is saying,”
And what are words anyway, except, for example, the U.S. Constitution.

 

 

 

Monday @realDonaldTrump has $25,000 fundraiser at undisclosed SF Peninsula location. Undisclosed because no one wants to be seen attending?

Not even plausibly live?

August 9, 2016

Has @NBC figured out w/ women’s gymnastics only people who aren’t online enough to know results will be asleep by time show airs? ‪#‎Rio2016‬

Wonder which will come first, the NBC tape-delayed coverage of women’s gymnastics, or the Chinese women gymnasts hitting puberty?

Apparently there are signs at the Rio Oympics saying you cannot fish in the toilets. Organizers were worried about that possibility why? – Because it’s the cleanest water in town?

Tim Tebow has apparently been training and now hopes to pursue a career in professional baseball.Tebow hasn’t played the sport since high school so it’s probably crazy to think he could get to a major league level at this point. Though maybe Tim has a chance to catch on with the Atlanta Braves.

 

#‎TimTebow‬ is now hoping to play pro baseball, although he hasn’t played since high school. Even God is thinking Tim doesn’t have a prayer.

 

#‎SFGiants‬ manager ‪#‎BruceBochy‬ was out of the hospital and back on the bench today. Unfortunately the Giants offense is back on life support.

After 7 hits last night, the Giants’ ‪#‎BrandonCrawford‬ went 0-4 today, and struck out on his first at-bat on 3 pitches. Hope his bat didn’t have all the hits taken out of it

A man who was afraid his girlfriend would reunite with her ex called in a fake bomb threat last week before her flight to the Caribbean. He was released on bail, and apparently the couple is back together. These two just might be stupid enough to deserve each other.

In Florida, two wild tortoises were found with their shells completely painted in bright colors, and the state Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission had to issue a warning “While to you it may seem harmless, painting the shells of turtles and tortoises can severely compromise their health….”
If only the tortoises were armed. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

Martin Shkreli claims he has diagnosed Hillary Clinton with Parkinson’s Disease, Well, and millions of Americans have diagnosed Shkreli with antisocial personality disorder, or in the vernacular, being a sociopath.

 

Forget ‪#‎ManyAreSaying‬. What Donald Trump really needs is to start using “Everybody’s talking”:
“Everybody’s talking at me
I don’t hear a word they’re saying
Only the echoes of my mind”

Trump is dismissing a letter written by 50 GOP national security experts, who worked for presidents from Nixon to W. which said “None of us will vote for Donald Trump.:
The Donald said the letter was “politically motivated” and that the experts “deserve the blame for making the world such a dangerous place.” Wait a minute, I thought that was Hillary and Obama’s fault?

Donald Trump at a rally today, “Hillary wants to abolish the 2nd amendment. ..If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks — although the 2nd Amendment people, maybe there is.”
If this guy were anything other than the Presidential nominee of a major political party the Secret Service would have made sure he was locked up a long time ago.

 

Possible @RealDonaldTrump is tired of this president thing; just trying to see how outrageous he can be before he is forced out of race?

Okay, I am generally liberal and proud of it. But a Muslim flight attendant is suing ExpressJet, a commuter airline that works with United Airlines and others, saying they suspended her for refusing to serve alcohol. Uh, so what’s next, she will apply for a job in a bar and then sue them too?

Not with a bang nor a whimper

July 11, 2016

No farewell tour for Tim Duncan,  unless you say it was the same quiet tour he was on for almost two decades.

Of course unlike Kobe, Duncan figured his last season would extend beyond the regular season.

 

#‎TimDuncan‬ will be in Hall of Fame for many reasons. But this stat will probably never be matched again. He played 19 years, for ONE coach.

 

Draymond Green was arrested on assault charges in Michigan after what a police source called “basically an altercation between two guys.” And at this point, the Warriors and NBA have to be thinking “Well, at least it wasn’t a woman.”

Congrats to ‪#‎JohnnyCueto‬ for being named NL All-Star game starting pitcher. Not a bad consolation prize for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ not getting Zack Greinke

 

You could have actually bet on the Home Run Derby winner tonight in Las Vegas. And if you seriously bet, and care, you just MIGHT have a gambling problem.

(But if you bet on Celebrity Softball you DEFINITELY have a problem.)

 

 

Ok, probably didn’t want to see him risk injury with 50 plus swings. But would have been fun to see a ‪#‎MadBum‬ cameo in ‪#‎HomeRunDerby‬

San Diego Padres All-Star Wil Myers today told the media “East Coast Mexican food is better than West Coast Mexican food.” Has someone checked Myers for concussions?

So many top ‪#‎NL‬ pitchers won’t be playing in this year’s All-Star game you’d almost think it was an Olympic event.

(or as my friend Steve L. says “or the GOP convention.)

Jordan Spieth is the latest golfer to withdraw from the Olympics. If this keeps up maybe Tiger Woods should consider going to Rio – he could win by attrition.

United flight from San Francisco to Frankfurt delayed almost two hours due to “catering difficulties.” Wouldn’t it have been faster to call Domino’s?

Starbucks is giving all US store employees and managers at least a 5% raise this year, plus improved stock benefits. And soon no doubt a generous low-interest loan payment plan for their regular customers.

#‎PokemonGO‬, the hottest new app in years, but it has security risks. As in players are likely to walk into trees. other people, & traffic.

Donald Trump today called himself the “law and order candidate.” As in “I make my own laws and don’t follow orders.”

GOP now pushing for a perjury probe against Hillary Clinton over her emails. Because of course they wanted the same probe with the Bush administration over those alleged WMDs. Oh, wait, never mind.

 

Got a free sample of Eye Repair Cream today, a solid white cream that claims to “reduce the look of dark circles and puffiness.” On the back – “For external use only.” ‪#‎beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

As ‪#‎BernieSanders‬ prepares to endorse ‪#‎HillaryClinton‬ anyone but me half expect him to say at the last minute “Just kidding”?

 

With joke writing, you never know in advance about getting material, except this week – when Donald Trump will announce his running mate