Posted tagged ‘airline jokes’
May 23, 2017
Presume someone has warned @Cavs assuming they play @Warriors again they will have to show up more than 1 or 2 of 4 quarters? #NBAplayoffs
–
NFL says they’re relaxing their player celebration rules. #SF49ers are asking “what are celebrations?”
–
Nike just re-signed Odell Beckham Jr. to a shoe contract reportedly worth about $5 million a year. Waiting for the Laval Ball OBJ diss in 3.2.1…
–
Top Gun 2, the sequel, has been confirmed. Now Maverick will be riding into the danger zone with his left blinker on.
–
And this time Maverick’s biggest need will be speedy trips to the bathroom.
–
More details on the man who was subdued on an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Hawaii after trying to break into the cockpit,. He apparently bought a one-way ticket late at night with no luggage, smelled of alcohol, had his boarding pass confiscated by police after he opened a restricted door, etc….. and still got on the plane. In related news, TSA at LAX confiscated no doubt at least a hundred bottles of water.
–
And in related news your “Do we feel safe yet?” moment for today. Client has a nice clear plastic reusable sports water bottle. Forgets to pour all the water out and TSA finds it at Newark. He apologizes and offers to dump it out. Nope. The choice is have the bottle confiscated, OR go back out to end of long line, empty the bottle outside of security and go back through again. #securitytheater
–
Five passengers sustained minor injuries while evacuating SF-bound United flight on the tarmac Newark Airport tonight due to engine fire. But the flight, presumably with a new plane, eventually did take off, And at least, United didn’t charge a entertainment/slide fee.
–
RIP #RogerMoore. Saddest thing for many Americans is realizing someone they remember as James Bond was 89 years old.
Melania Trump displaying great hand-eye coordination swatting away her husband’s hand, again. If she hadn’t modeled maybe a WNBA career?
–
Doesn’t this sound like a teenager’s note home to his parents? “Israel, Saudi Arabia and the Middle East were great. Trying hard for PEACE. Doing well. Heading to Vatican & Pope, then #G7 and #NATO.”
An unnamed “senior administrative official” said “Donald Trump united the entire Muslim world in a way that it really hasn’t been in many years.” #WTF? Was it Jared or Ivanka?
–
Former CIA Director John Brennan – Russia “brazenly” interfered in the US election, “actively” contacted some on the Trump campaign, and “I saw interaction that in my mind raised questions of whether it was collusion…” So think President’s staff is trying to get him to delay #FakeCIA tweets until after his foreign trip?
Suspect in #ManchesterBombing was British-born. Not sure what the answer is, but it’s not walls.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Janice Hough, Top Gun sequel jokes, TSA jokes, United jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
April 24, 2017
Serena Williams is back ranked as #1 on the WTA Tour. Or should we say Number 1 1/2?
Ben Roethlisberger now says he’s sorry that he stopped listing Findlay, Ohio as his hometown after “Some negative things were said about me by people in this town. I was hurt and I resented that.”
Probably not nearly as much as women he was accused of sexually assaulting resented things.
#Dodgers score a run after Derek Law walks Chase Utley w/ .034 batting average. Even Gorkys Hernandez thinks that’s a bad year. #SFGiants.
–
Anyone remember the last time we heard Duane Kuiper’s home run call for the SF Giants? Me neither.
–
Christian Arroyo era in SF has begin. He’ll wear #22. In 1986 a rookie did okay w/ that number. And this team needs thrills. Heck, this team needed a defibrillator.
–
Whole Foods says they are going to lower their prices. So are they pre-announcing a Going out of Business sale?
–
Kenny G played an impromptu concert aboard Delta flight. And millions of Americans changed their minds on never dragging someone off plane.
–
State Dept removed blog post touting Mar-a-Lago as Winter White House. Trump hasn’t said yet which resort he’s using as Summer White House?
–
#WTF So we may have govt shutdown over border wall money? Maybe Ivanka or Jared can educate Trump on tunnels, planes & boats?
–
Just wonder what would happen if you told IRS, not sending in my tax payment but Mexico will be covering it for me eventually?
So congrats to all those who had Canada in “Who will Trump fight next” bingo.
–
All these “MAGA” Trump supporters who are so happy about Canadian lumber tariffs do realize it means higher prices for Americans right?
–
Sorry but anyone bragging his ratings are bigger “than when the World Trade Center came down” is clearly a sick individual. That is all.
(Trump yesterday to the AP, on the size of his…. ratings “It’s the highest for ‘Face the Nation’ or as I call it, ‘Deface the Nation.”
“It’s the highest for ‘Deface the Nation’ since the World Trade Center — since the World Trade Center came down.”
Another moment when he became Presidential? )
TC with the lumber truck to hell “DJ has just imposed a 20% tariff on Canadian softwood lumber exported to the US. I totally didn’t expect him to get personal on this issue. Anyways,no tariff on Hardwood Lumber? Sad…”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Janice Hough, serena jokes, SF Giants jokes, Trump jokes, wall jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 17, 2017
Pittsburgh police are allegedly considering multiple felony charges against Jets CB Darrelle Revis for his role in a “street altercation early Monday morning.”
Is this a shameless attempt to get the Knicks out of the NY headlines?
–
Barry Zito’s first album has now made the Billboard Country Music chart, debuting at #39. 39. What are the odds? The same number as the speed of Zito’s fastball.
–
Any chance we can take a page from the @NBA and start instituting technical fouls for Presidents?
Tonight at Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport a Frontier Airlines and Southwest flight clipped wings. No injuries, although both planes were evacuated. But presumably Southwest requested the video for a “wanna get away” commercial.
–
Delta is planning to add free meals back to long-haul flights within the US in coach class. Of course, any $20 or so increase in domestic fares would be purely a coincidence.
–
The #Thimble token has been voted out of the Monopoly game. And millennials are going “What’s a Thimble?”
–
–
The FBI arrested a avowed South Carolina white supremacist who was trying to buy a gun from an undercover agent. The man said he wanted to carry out an attack “in the spirit of Dylan Roof.”
But hey, he’s white. So no terrorism problem. Move along, nothing to see here.
–
As #Trump finds new media targets. remember old saying “If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore them, if 10 call you an ass, buy a saddle.”
–
Trump says his administration is running “like a fine-tuned machine.” Uh, more like a Rube Goldberg machine . #TrumpNewsConference
–
So was goal of #TrumpNewsConference to make @SNL give up because they can’t come up with satire stranger than reality?
#TrumpPressConference on Melania “She gets so unfairly maligned…” Guessing he hasn’t seen #FreeMelania movement?
–
Trump – “We’re gonna find the leakers. They’re going to pay a big price for leaking.” But the stuff they were leaking, on Russia, etc – Move along, nothing to see here.
–
Ret Vice Adm Bob Harward turned down Trump offer for National Security Advisor. CNN says he told friend it was “a “s*** sandwich,” #myhero
JudicialWatch estimated Obama’s travel expenses totaled $97 mill in 2 terms. Taking April 1 in pool for date Trump eclipses that.
–
A just released nearly 400 page FBI file details an investigation on Trump and his father Fred allegedly “not wanting to rent to blacks” in the 1970s. So this couldn’t have been announced in October along with Weiner’s emails?
April Ryan, a longtime White House reporter and Washington bureau chief for American Urban Radio Networks, is African American. She asked Trump today if he planned to include the CBC (Congressional Black Caucus) “in your conversations with your urban agenda, your inner-city agenda.”
He responded by asking if they were “friends of yours,” &, “I tell you what, do you want to set up the meeting?”
–
So if John Boehner was still around would Trump ask him to set up a meeting with the Orange Caucus? #TrumpPressConference
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Janice Hough, Jets jokes, press conference jokes, revis jokes, Trump jokes, Zito jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
February 8, 2017
Patriots RB James White says he doesn’t know what happened to the football he scored the winning touchdown with in Super Bowl 51. “I actually don’t know what I did with it. I left it on the ground and started running.”
Well, at least there’s no way for the NFL to check if the ball was deflated.
–
Falcons have picked interim Crimson Tide offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian as their new OC. Does Atlanta know Alabama was winless in the Sarkisian area?
–
Golden State Warriors are rewarding their loyal season ticket holders with a 15-25% price increase next season. But just imagine how inexpensive 2017-2018 tickets will seem compared to those in the new SF arena.
A United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Kauai today developed autopilot problems and circled for hours before landing back at SFO more than 3 hours after takeoff. Now for the really important question, did passengers get extra miles for all that circling?
–
Hate to say it but #DeVos incompetency might limit her damage. What if Trump replaced her w/ smarter person w/ same view
–
While we’re changing all the rules in this country can we eliminate the 22nd amendment?
–
Trump this morning starts out a tweet with “I don’t know Putin, have no deals in Russia….” Does he type these with a straight face?
–
Trump tweeted today that he doesn’t know Putin. But in a 2013 MSNBC interview he said “I do have a relationship” with Putin.
No wonder Trump hates the media; they have this bad habit of reporting on what he says.
–
So Betsy Devos is now our Secretary of Education. Yeah, maybe our schools have been wrong in teaching children about the value of study and hard work as far as getting ahead. They should be teaching “How to marry a billionaire.”
Would be interesting to see how many Senators actually went or sent their children to public schools. #DeVosvote
–
Don’t just get mad, VOTE. Especially in school board elections. #DeVosvote
This, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when you elect a reality TV star to Congress. Wisconsin Rep. Sean Duffy (The Real Life: Boston, & Road Rules): “Look at Gabby Giffords. The Marxist, who took her life, a leftist guy, and now you see violence and terror in the streets all across America.
–
So Green Eggs and Ham is acceptable reading on the Senate floor but a letter from Coretta Scott King is not? #WTF?
–
Trump thinks “California is out of control.” Where do I get the “Out of Control Nasty California Woman T-Shirt”?
Or – “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted,” Where’s the t-shirt? I want one of those too.
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Trump jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, devos, devos jokes, Janice Hough, nasty woman, Patriots jokes, Warren jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
December 13, 2016
Seattle Seahawks CB Richard Sherman, angry at the NFL’s scheduling of Thursday night games, referred to them as a “Poopfest.” Would that be the title of a potential 49ers Browns game?
–
As fans wait for the end of 49ers season, remember that SF was sure they could win without Jim Harbaugh. And they have, 6 times in 2 years.
–
Jim Harbaugh told Michigan players rumors of him returning to NFL are “lies spread by our enemies”. Will he next accuse Putin of being an Ohio State fan?
–
Lebron James wore a discreet safety pin on his lapel for the SI Sportsman of the Year cover. You may not like Lebron on the court, you may not agree with his politics. But the guy is a great role model for celebrities who want to express political views with class. IMHO.
–
An American Airlines flight from Charlotte to San Francisco diverted with a mechanical problem to Phoenix for 5 1/2 hours. No word on compensation for passengers, especially on the most important question – “Do we get extra frequent flier miles?
–
From Bill Littlejohn : “Jennifer Lawrence is in a bit of hot water after relating a story in which she used sacred Hawaiian rocks to scratch her itching derriere. .Butt Fumble II?”
But hey, maybe she just wants to date Mark Sanchez.
–
#GarthBrooks will apparently not be performing at #Trump‘s inaugural. Guess he doesn’t have friends in THAT low of places.
–
So how many reasons did #RickPerry give @realDonaldTrump to choose him as Secretary of Energy?
–
So why did Trump appoint Rick Perry Secretary of Energy?
Because there was no Secretary of Arithmetic?
–
President Obama today signed the “21st Century Cures Act”, a $6.3 billion bipartisan bill to fight cancer and streamline the FDA approval process for drugs and medical device. It also includes $1 billion for states to fight substance abuse and drug addiction.
Waiting for the Trump rebuttal.
–
At Trump Tower, Kanye West met w/ President-Elect Donald Trump this am to discuss becoming “an ambassador of sorts.”
At the Onion offices “We give up.”
–
No joke. The Trump transition team has asked ffor the DOE to “provide a list of all Department of Energy employees or contractors” who have “worked on climate change policy.”
We throw the term McCarthyism around, but this time it may have nothing to do with Russia. #Scary
(if mean bitch Karma wants to unleash a tsunami in South Florida, a good place to aim at would be Mar A Lago)
.-
Someone is running for President in 2020…. Ohio Gov. John Kasich rejected the so-called “heartbeat bill” which would have banned abortions after about 6 weeks. He did sign a bill preventing abortions after 20 weeks. #verysmallmercies
–
In Oklahoma, a law passed this summer will require all public restrooms by January 2018 to have anti-abortion signs posted. Many businesses oppose the measure, not for the message, but because there is no funding and they say it is an unfair mandate that will cost them a total of $2.3 million for the signs. #priorities.
Categories: basketball jokes, football jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Harbaugh jokes, Janice Hough, kanye trump jokes, Lebron jokes
Comments: 4 Comments
November 21, 2016
The NFL played a game tonight in Mexico City. And Mexico is thinking “Wait, Trump is accusing US of sending criminals across the border?”
–
SF 49ers coach Chip Kelly, asked if he received any assurance from Jed York on his job next year. “No, we haven’t had any conversations about that at all. About anybody’s job security.”
Of course, in Kelly’s favor, who else might want to take on this mess?
–
U.S. Soccer just fired national team manager Jurgen Klinsmann. So congrats to all those who had Nov. 21 in the pool.
–
The Washington Redskins keep on winning. I blame Obama.
–
But is it just me or does the @NFL have a LOT of lousy football teams?
At Chicago’s O’Hare airport, hundreds of workers have announced a strike for Nov 29. They are waiting until Tuesday theoretically to miss the holiday weekend.
But okay, two days after Thanksgiving weekend? Should be lots of people still stuck at O’Hare.
–
LB Jerrell Freeman today became the second Chicago player suspended in a week for violating the NFL’s policy on PEDs.
The Bears are 2-8. Maybe this should be a warning to others, not only will PEDs get you suspended, they apparently don’t work.
Though easy material keeps on coming, I was really looking forward to tough task post-election of writing pantsuits jokes.
–
Imagine if Michelle Obama decided to stay in Chicago not to move girls from school in 2009. Would have been uproar on wasting taxpayer $$$.
–
So just guessing Green Day is not performing at Trump’s inaugural.
–
Mark the date, November 20, 2016. Donald Trump tweeted “I have always had a good relationship with Chuck Schumer. He is far smarter than Harry R and has the ability to get things done. Good news!”
So shall we start a pool on the date Trump decides Schumer is an idiot and/or crooked?
–
If Donald Trump really wants to keep illegal immigrants from getting jobs he doesn’t need a wall; just make it felony resulting in jail-time to hire them.
–
From Bill Littlejohn: ““President Obama inviting the Chicago Cubs to the White House before he leaves office reminds one of a similar situation the last time the Cubs won the World Series, Pharaoh invited the Cubs for a visit just before the Ten Plagues of Egypt.”
Categories: football jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Janice Hough, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
October 28, 2016
Jon Stewart, when he quit “The Daily Show” in 2015. “I’d covered an election four times, and it didn’t appear that there was going to be anything wildly different about this one.”
–
Another reason baseball is the BEST sport. In a 1-0 game you can’t just play keep-away & try to run out clock. #WorldSeries #Indians #Cubs
–
The World Series reminds us again that #As really are a farm system for the rest of MLB. #Crisp #Zobrist #Lester #Russell #Davis #Otero
While the SF Giants are not in the World Series, Giants fans had to like to hear ESPN’s play-by-play announcer Dan Shulman on Indians pitcher Tomlin “”he can handle bat though he’s no Bumgarner.”
–
The U.K. Telegraph finally posted an interview with Bob Dylan saying he “absolutely” wants to attend the Nobel Prize Ceremony “if it’s at all possible.”
Actually, Dylan probably gave the interview on the day he won the award, it’s just taken them this long to translate it.
–
A recent Chapman University poll showed that 32% of Americans are afraid of climate change, while 42% are afraid of clowns. #BeamMeUpScottieThereIsNoIntelligentLifeOnThisPlanet
–
In a debate with Tammy Duckworth, who is a Purple Heart winner from the Iraq War and double amputee, Sen. Mark Kirk made a jab at her mother’s being from Thailand. Among those who have criticized him, KellyAnne Conway. Thereby answering a question “How low do you have to go to be called out by the Trump campaign?”.
–
Today is #NationalChocolateDay. And women are going “Isn’t EVERY day ‘National Chocolate Day?'”
Pac 12 Commissioner Larry Scott, answering a reporter’s question about a TV contract that has Cal playing back-to-back weeknight games during a tough academic period. “That hasn’t been a parameter, academic schedules per se, so it hasn’t come up… Well of course not, the idea of big conference television contracts started with the SEC. #whatacademicschedules?
–
An American Airlines flight at O’Hare caught fire when a tire apparently blew on takeoff. Expect flight delays. And for United Airlines to immediately institute a tire maintenance fee.
–
“New” Clinton emails may be from #AnthonyWeiner. Will #FBI agents reading them get hardship pay for needing to take so many showers?
No doubt Hillary Clinton is furious over the alleged Anthony Weiner messages being used to reopen her FBI email investigation. On the other hand, she has to be very thankful sexting wasn’t an option during Bill’s time in the White House.
–
Rumor today that if Hillary Clinton wins she would like to name Biden as Secretary of State. Wonder if this means Joe, who would be 81, wants to run for President in 2024?
From T.C. “Tickets for this weekend’s games at Wrigley will average $5,000 ea. Of course, this includes Steve Bartman’s ticket. The Cubs gave him $10,000 to go watch the game at a bar in Miami.”
Categories: baseball jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, chocolate jokes, football jokes, Janice Hough, mark kirk jokes, Trump jokes, Weiner jokes, World Series jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
October 26, 2016
4 hours & 4 minutes for 5-1 Chicago win. Good thing Cubs have plenty of fans because these first two World Series games would not convert many to MLB
–
Blowout baseball games are really only fun to watch if you’re a fan of the team doing the blowing-out. Another reason Fox might consider showing more regular season games to create national rather than regional interest….
Just one game and one win, but tonight did Lakers get a taste of what it might have been like to have Kobe Bryant retire sooner?
–
Yoenis Cespedes has opted out of his #Mets contract and plans to test free agent market. Because 4 teams in 6 years wasn’t enough?
–
Looking at all these bundled-up players in 40 degree temperatures during the World Series makes me nostalgic for Candlestick Park.
–
A police report on the crash that took the life of Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez found “a strong odor of alcohol” and evidence that whoever was driving the boat was speeding and driving with “recklessness” that was “exacerbated by the consumption of alcohol.”
Sad, really sad. But “I am shocked, said nobody.”
–
American is going to be the next major U.S. airline to start selling “Basic” economy fares – no changes, standby, seat assignments, etc. So how low can they go – the option to fly as cargo?.
–
Newt Gingrich tweeted today “‘For the record Megyn Kelly is wrong, I don’t have anger management issues. I do have media bias issues!” Wonder if he was shouting while he wrote it.
–
Story out of Australia is that two beautiful young women who were contestants on the “The Bachelor” did indeed find love. With each other. Hmm, if this becomes a thing might increase U.S. men’s viewership.
–
All of this “repeal and replace” about Obamacare that the GOP is spouting. Of course what they don’t spout is that they want to replace it with nothing.
–
Trump says he’s going to spend over $100 million on his campaign before election day. Has someone told him he can’t take this loss off his taxes?
–
Trump today “I will never, ever take the African-American community for granted — unlike Hillary.”‘
Okay but while the Donald castigates Hillary for what she didn’t do in the Senate, why, with all his decades-old business empire can Trump not name a thing he has done as far as minority hiring and other outreach?
–
Donald Trump said last week that “I will reverse Obama’s executive orders & concessions towards Cuba.” Meaning besides travel that Cuban rum & cigars will become illegal again. Forget sexual assault, racism, healthcare etc, this might be the “trump” card for Hillary to woo white men.
–
From Alex Kaseberg “A youth football team was kicked out of its league in Rhode Island when they snuck a grown man into their lineup. Man, Johnny Manziel cannot catch a break.”
Folks I suppose became suspicious when the team beat the Browns.
–
–
From Paul Lander. Indeed, the gift that keeps on giving: “Happy 69th Birthday, @HillaryClinton. Don’t forget to send the Republican Party a thank you for the gift of nominating Trump.”
–
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Bachelor jokes, Candlestick jokes, Cubs jokes, Gringrich jokes, Janice Hough, Lakers jokes, Mets jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
September 1, 2016
Facebook just changed their relationship status with SpaceX to “it’s complicated.”
–
At Cape Canaveral, a SpaceX rocket exploded on the launch pad this morning. SpaceX described the explosion as an “anomaly.” Fortunately there were no injuries. And airline spokespersons immediately filed “anomaly” away for future use.
Pamela Anderson, 49, has become an anti-porn crusader. Maybe because no one wants to see her sex tapes anymore?
–
As Colin Kaepernick doubles down on his anthem protest, angering many other NFL players, here’s an interesting side note: Right now the 49ers only have to pay him guaranteed salary for 2016. But if Kaepernick suffers a career-ending injury, he also gets $14.5 million guaranteed in 2017 and $5.2 million in 2018.
So if Kap plays this year, he’s one good hit away from a long paid vacation.
–
Would have been ironic tonight if angry fans went after #Kaepernick in San Diego & he needed a police escort to get out of stadium safely. #SFvsSD
–
Angry Mexican news anchor about Trump’s visit “The humiliation is now complete.” Which is the same sentiment felt by many rational members of the GOP.
–
NY Jets WR Brandon Marshall said he believes the Chicago Bears traded him after the 2014 season because of his in-season television work on Showtime’s “Inside the NFL” Well, that and Marshall’s receiving stats falling off almost 50% from the 2013 season.
All this talk about scary clowns in #SouthCarolina. Weren’t the presidential primaries months ago?
Appalachian State had a chance to beat Tennessee in regulation, but neglected to call their 3rd and last time out when they might have been in field goal range. Sounds like they spend as much time in math class as members of top NCAA programs.
–
Governor RIck Scott has issued a hurricane warning for Florida, saying that Hermine could be “life-threatening.” Surprised he didn’t add a warning to President Obama to stay out of the state’s business.
–
Donald Trump believes that American-born children of illegals should be deported. So what does that mean IF it turns out Melania skirted immigration law with her visa?
–
United Airlines says that 12 passengers were injured by “severe and unexpected turbulence” on an overnight flight to London while most were asleep. So what part of “keep your seatbelt fastened while you sleep” do most people not understand? #cantfixstupid #butyoucaninjurestupid
“Business Insider’ reports that Marco Gutierrez, who founded “Latinos for Trump’ said there could be “taco trucks on every corner” if the Donald isn’t elected.
Taco trucks? Hmm…Gutierrez might have just given a lot of Americans reasons to vote for Hillary.
From my friend Tony Alan Banks, who just may have solved one of the mysteries of the universe: I’m 100% convinced that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.”
Categories: baseball jokes, football jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, appalachian state, clown jokes, Florida jokes, Janice Hough, Kaepernick jokes, Trump jokes, United jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
August 28, 2016
Now 49ers fans are apparently burning Colin Kaepernick jerseys. Okay, but is this really for his not standing for the anthem, or for his play since signing that big contract?
–
CNN.com headline “Star QB won’t stand for anthem.” And thinking “did someone else follow Kaepernick’s lead?” #49ers
Some are saying that Colin Kaepernick’s anthem protest could be a distraction from the 49ers play on the field this year. After a few games SF fans may be thinking “Promise?”
–
Wonder what it would take for #TomBrady to do or say before #Patriots fans would burn his jersey?
–
Maybe this was Kap’s way of making sure he wouldn’t be traded to Dallas.
–
And what’s next for Chip Kelly? Trying to get the team to sign a less controversial backup QB? Like Michael Vick? And there’s always Tebow.
–
Four home runs and four triples Sunday? Who are these players in #SFGiants uniforms?
–
Somebody wasn’t in their happy place. Umpire Mike Everitt ejected four Detroit Tigers Saturday night during their game against the Angels. Wonder what happens if an ump ejects enough people that a team runs out of players.
Imagine what kind of a year the #Yankees might have had if they kicked #ARod to the curb earlier?
After today’s 13-3 game, maybe someone from #SFGiants organization needs to lie down in front of #Braves plane and keep them from leaving town.
–
At least one terminal at LAX was evacuated after reports of a shooter tonight, which turned out to be a false alarm. If only other travelers at the airport were armed.
–
The latest from #LAX is that panic & evacuation tonight was caused by someone in a Zorro costume with a plastic sword. #Fearitselfiswinning.
In New Mexico, a police officer wearing a lapel camera apparently accidentally filled himself stealing confiscated marijuana from his own office. Is there such a thing as a career Darwin?
–
Two United Airlines pilots yesterday were arrested at Glasgow airport for allegedly being too drunk to fly their schedule flight to Newark. Will their defense be you need to be drunk to want to fly from Scotland to New Jersey?
Trump spokeswoman Katrina Pierson “He hasn’t changed his position on immigration. He’s changed the words that he is saying,”
And what are words anyway, except, for example, the U.S. Constitution.
Monday @realDonaldTrump has $25,000 fundraiser at undisclosed SF Peninsula location. Undisclosed because no one wants to be seen attending?
Categories: football jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: 49ers jokes, airline jokes, Chip Kelly jokes, Colin Kaepernick jokes, Janice Hough, Kaepernick jokes, kap jokes, lax jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 9, 2016
Has @NBC figured out w/ women’s gymnastics only people who aren’t online enough to know results will be asleep by time show airs? #Rio2016
–
Wonder which will come first, the NBC tape-delayed coverage of women’s gymnastics, or the Chinese women gymnasts hitting puberty?
–
Apparently there are signs at the Rio Oympics saying you cannot fish in the toilets. Organizers were worried about that possibility why? – Because it’s the cleanest water in town?
–
Tim Tebow has apparently been training and now hopes to pursue a career in professional baseball.Tebow hasn’t played the sport since high school so it’s probably crazy to think he could get to a major league level at this point. Though maybe Tim has a chance to catch on with the Atlanta Braves.
#TimTebow is now hoping to play pro baseball, although he hasn’t played since high school. Even God is thinking Tim doesn’t have a prayer.
#SFGiants manager #BruceBochy was out of the hospital and back on the bench today. Unfortunately the Giants offense is back on life support.
–
After 7 hits last night, the Giants’ #BrandonCrawford went 0-4 today, and struck out on his first at-bat on 3 pitches. Hope his bat didn’t have all the hits taken out of it
–
A man who was afraid his girlfriend would reunite with her ex called in a fake bomb threat last week before her flight to the Caribbean. He was released on bail, and apparently the couple is back together. These two just might be stupid enough to deserve each other.
–
In Florida, two wild tortoises were found with their shells completely painted in bright colors, and the state Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission had to issue a warning “While to you it may seem harmless, painting the shells of turtles and tortoises can severely compromise their health….”
If only the tortoises were armed. #cantfixstupid
–
Martin Shkreli claims he has diagnosed Hillary Clinton with Parkinson’s Disease, Well, and millions of Americans have diagnosed Shkreli with antisocial personality disorder, or in the vernacular, being a sociopath.
–
Forget #ManyAreSaying. What Donald Trump really needs is to start using “Everybody’s talking”:
“Everybody’s talking at me
I don’t hear a word they’re saying
Only the echoes of my mind”
–
Trump is dismissing a letter written by 50 GOP national security experts, who worked for presidents from Nixon to W. which said “None of us will vote for Donald Trump.:
The Donald said the letter was “politically motivated” and that the experts “deserve the blame for making the world such a dangerous place.” Wait a minute, I thought that was Hillary and Obama’s fault?
–
Donald Trump at a rally today, “Hillary wants to abolish the 2nd amendment. ..If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks — although the 2nd Amendment people, maybe there is.”
If this guy were anything other than the Presidential nominee of a major political party the Secret Service would have made sure he was locked up a long time ago.
Possible @RealDonaldTrump is tired of this president thing; just trying to see how outrageous he can be before he is forced out of race?
–
Okay, I am generally liberal and proud of it. But a Muslim flight attendant is suing ExpressJet, a commuter airline that works with United Airlines and others, saying they suspended her for refusing to serve alcohol. Uh, so what’s next, she will apply for a job in a bar and then sue them too?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Janice Hough, NBC jokes, Olympics jokes, Shkreli jokes, tape delay jokes, Tebow jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 11, 2016
No farewell tour for Tim Duncan, unless you say it was the same quiet tour he was on for almost two decades.
Of course unlike Kobe, Duncan figured his last season would extend beyond the regular season.
#TimDuncan will be in Hall of Fame for many reasons. But this stat will probably never be matched again. He played 19 years, for ONE coach.
Draymond Green was arrested on assault charges in Michigan after what a police source called “basically an altercation between two guys.” And at this point, the Warriors and NBA have to be thinking “Well, at least it wasn’t a woman.”
–
Congrats to #JohnnyCueto for being named NL All-Star game starting pitcher. Not a bad consolation prize for #SFGiants not getting Zack Greinke
You could have actually bet on the Home Run Derby winner tonight in Las Vegas. And if you seriously bet, and care, you just MIGHT have a gambling problem.
(But if you bet on Celebrity Softball you DEFINITELY have a problem.)
Ok, probably didn’t want to see him risk injury with 50 plus swings. But would have been fun to see a #MadBum cameo in #HomeRunDerby
–
San Diego Padres All-Star Wil Myers today told the media “East Coast Mexican food is better than West Coast Mexican food.” Has someone checked Myers for concussions?
–
So many top #NL pitchers won’t be playing in this year’s All-Star game you’d almost think it was an Olympic event.
(or as my friend Steve L. says “or the GOP convention.)
–
Jordan Spieth is the latest golfer to withdraw from the Olympics. If this keeps up maybe Tiger Woods should consider going to Rio – he could win by attrition.
–
United flight from San Francisco to Frankfurt delayed almost two hours due to “catering difficulties.” Wouldn’t it have been faster to call Domino’s?
–
Starbucks is giving all US store employees and managers at least a 5% raise this year, plus improved stock benefits. And soon no doubt a generous low-interest loan payment plan for their regular customers.
–
#PokemonGO, the hottest new app in years, but it has security risks. As in players are likely to walk into trees. other people, & traffic.
–
Donald Trump today called himself the “law and order candidate.” As in “I make my own laws and don’t follow orders.”
–
GOP now pushing for a perjury probe against Hillary Clinton over her emails. Because of course they wanted the same probe with the Bush administration over those alleged WMDs. Oh, wait, never mind.
Got a free sample of Eye Repair Cream today, a solid white cream that claims to “reduce the look of dark circles and puffiness.” On the back – “For external use only.” #beammeupScottietheresnointelligentlifeonthisplanet
–
As #BernieSanders prepares to endorse #HillaryClinton anyone but me half expect him to say at the last minute “Just kidding”?
With joke writing, you never know in advance about getting material, except this week – when Donald Trump will announce his running mate
Categories: baseball jokes, basketball jokes, GOP jokes, Hillary jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, draymond green jokes, duncan jokes, home run derby jokes, Janice Hough, madbum jokes, pokemon jokes, Starbucks jokes, tim duncan, Trump jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 24, 2016
F*ckmuppet might be the word of the year. Anyone want to start printing t-shirts?
–
The Brexit vote won largely in Britain with over-60 year old voters. Younger Brits voted “remain”, but had a lower turnout.
Lesson for the younger generation of Americans, if you didn’t like your parents telling you what to do growing up, make damn sure you vote in November.
–
You really cannot make this “stuff” up. Google reports that in Britain today the most Googled question was “What does it mean to leave the EU?” But the number TWO question – “What is the EU?” #cantfixstupid
A “Leave” voter interviewed by the BBC today: “I’m a bit shocked to be honest. I didn’t think that was going to happen. I didn’t think my vote was going to matter too much because I thought we were just going to remain.” And then he added that he was “quite worried.”
#facepalm #voteshaveconsequences
–
California has been a bit of a laughing stock at times because of all the really important questions we put to a vote with often flawed and misunderstood propositions. But don’t think we’re going to top Britain.
–
Well at least England doesn’t have to worry about any more heartbreaking losses in the Eurocup #BrexitVote
–
Johnny Manziel’s lawyer accidentally sent a text to the AP which included this about a possible plea deal “Heaven help us if one of the conditions is to pee in a bottle.” Looking like Manziel’s judgment on lawyers is about as good as his judgment on everything else.
#SFGiants should really get a dispensation to open up beer sales again in any 9th inning where Casilla comes in.
–
A traveler from New Orleans to Atlanta ended up being the only passenger on a 160-seat Delta plane, And Delta probably still charged him for an aisle seat.
–
In Dallas more than 30 people have been treated for burns after Tony Robbins encouraged them to walk on hot coals as a way of conquering their fears. #andthesepeoplevote
–
The Battle Creek Bombers, a minor league baseball team, is having “Second Amendment Education Night tonight, sponsored by a local gun dealer. Although guns will not be sold, the event will be “open carry.” Wonder if that includes the umpires.
–
The RNC is having a giant picture of Lebron James across from Quicken Loans Arena, a favorite Cleveland spot for selfies, removed before their July convention. What a shame. It also might have been attendees only chance to get a picture featuring an African-American.
QB Tarvaris Jackson, an NFL free agent who was most recently Russell Wilson’s backup with the Seahawks, was arrested in Floriday for allegedly pointing a loaded gun at his wife and threatening to kill her. You know, that might be a little excessive even if Jackson hoped to get signed by the 49ers.
–
Okay, Donald Trump is both praising the Brexit vote, and blaming Obama for it. Uh, if Brexit is a good thing, then shouldn’t Trump be giving the President not blame but credit? #logicisacommiepinkoconcepts
Taylor Swift, who just broke up with Calvin Harris, introduced her boyfriend of two weeks, British actor Tom Hiddleston, to her mom Thursday, and then flew with him Friday on her private jet to England to meet HIS mother. Well, the couple may not marry, but at least Swift should get a heck of a song out of it.,
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, texas jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, brexit jokes, england jokes, eu jokes, Janice Hough, leave jokes, Manziel jokes, remain jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
May 7, 2016
Nyquist wins the Kentucky Derby. Hope confused fans don’t start throwing octopuses at him.
(Non-hockey fans, google “Red Wings” and “octopus.”)
–
Waiting for conservatives to complain the Kentucky Derby glorifies athletes who will succeed, then go have lots of out-of-wedlock children.
–
Hard to imagine sometimes we once had #KentuckyDerby telecasts without Tara Lipinski & Johnny Weir. #matchmadeinheaven?
–
So many private jets at the #KentuckyDerby you’d think it was the GOP national convention.
–
#Walmart says it is bringing back its “customer hosts” at the door. #MakeAmericaGreetAgain?
Who’d a thunk that #BartoloColon would be certain to end the 2016 season with more home runs than #PabloSandoval?
–
SF Giants have not said publicly if they have made an offer to Tim Lincecum. Of course, the way Cain and Peavy have been pitching, and now today’s game ending in the 13th, they may sign him only if he can start Monday.
–
Matt Duffy gets a walkoff hit in the 13th, as the Giants game finished 2 minutes before the NBA Western Conference semi-finals, thereby sparing millions of SF sports fans by minutes of having to decide between the SFGiants and the Warriors.
The Cubs in 2016 have a +101 run differential. To put this in perspective, the Yankees in 2016 have SCORED 100 runs.
–
You really cannot make this “stuff” up. A American Airlines commuter flight was delayed two hours because a University of Pennsylvania math professor was working on a differential equation, and a woman passenger thought he might be “a terrorist because he was writing strange things on a piece of paper.”
The professor, who is Italian, was questioned and the “allegations were found to be non-credible.” #cantfixstupid
–
Lauryn Hill was booed by fans in Atlanta after she showed up 2 hours late for a concert. She blamed it on her driver getting lost Gosh, if only someone could think of an invention to solve that kind of problem..
–
At a high school outside of Boston, someone hacked selfies that girls sent to their boyfriends, and apparently created some additional fakes, then posted up to 50 pictures on Dropbox. Once again, so thankful to have grown up in a pre-social media age.
–
Almost worth putting Elizabeth Warren on the Democratic ticket just for her comebacks. This tweet after Donald Trump said he was “driving her nuts “No, @realDonaldTrump – your racism, sexism & xenophobia doesn’t drive me nuts. It makes me sick. And I’m not alone”
–
Trump is attacking Hillary over Bill’s extra-marital affairs “She’s married to a man that got impeached for lying.” Right, and the Donald would never have lied to the American people. Only Ivanka, and Marla, and…..?’
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Bartolo Colon jokes, Cubs jokes, Janice Hough, Kentucky Derby jokes, math jokes, nyquist jokes, SFGiants jokes, Walmart jokes
Comments: 7 Comments
March 23, 2016
A new Harris study says that Americans drink more when they are happy and celebrating than when they are stressed and having bad days. Which does not quite explain beer sales over the years at Wrigley Field.
Carmelo Anthony says that Syracuse is going to beat Gonzaga on Friday: “We’re going to win. We’re going to the Elite 8.” Wonder if the 2016 Knicks could make it to the Elite 8.
–
Aaron Rodgers says he saw a UFO in New Jersey in 2005. Is he sure it wasn’t one of Eli Manning’s rookie year passes?
–
Conrad Dobler, 65, a retired NFL offensive guard, said in an interview talking about his memory loss. “I have six kids, I don’t even know their names.”
Sad, but in the NFL there are young men without CTE who don’t even know how many kids they HAVE.
The JetBlue flight attendant who fled a security checkpoint after being caught trying to smuggle 70lb of cocaine in her carry-on bag has turned herself in. Still trying to wrap my head around that 70 lbs – and I thought my purse was heavy.
–
After playing the Cuban national team the Tampa Bay Rays’ plane had mechanical issues and was stuck on the tarmac for hours in Havana. So the U.S. players must have felt right at home.
–
Forbes says the New York Yankees are the most valuable team in baseball, now at a $3.4 billion valuation. Imagine what they’d be worth with real playoff revenue again.
–
A-Rod told ESPN.com today that “I won’t play after next year.” Later he told the NY Daily News that after his contract ends in 2017, “we’ll see what happens.”
“Atta boy,” said Brett Favre.
–
Lebron James said on the A&M comeback over UNI: “I would quit basketball. If I was on Northern Iowa, I would quit.”
Hmm, because that loss was almost as embarrassing as getting swept by the Spurs in the the 2007 NBA finals? #stayclassy
–
At Stanford Shopping Center in California, an off-duty police officer working security for a business accidentally left his gun in a restroom. Fortunately it was found and turned in by another security guard. Bringing to mind another question – how do you stop a stupid guy with a gun?
–
In Wisconsin, a 17-year-old girl who says she didn’t even know she was pregnant gave birth to a baby in her bathroom. Fortunately the child is doing well. Got to love that “abstinence only” education.
–
Jeb Bush has endorsed Ted Cruz. And Cruz must be so thrilled to have such a winner on his team.
–
Donald Trump is apparently furious at Ted Cruz for using a scantily-clad picture of Melania from her model days in a campaign ad. Hmm, well, if that upsets him so much am sure the Democrats will honor Trump’s wishes and never post any of those pictures in the general election.
.
One thing is pretty certain out of this Cruz-Trump fight over pictures of their spouses. Pretty sure even the Donald wouldn’t have the stomach to post pictures of a nearly naked Bill Clinton.
Ted Cruz and Donald Trump are calling for extra surveillance of Muslim-Americans. But if you look at recent terrorist acts – there is another link that is even stronger- almost all the killers were relatively young men. So maybe what we REALLY need to do is start seriously monitoring men between the ages of 18-35.
Categories: airline jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, travel jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, Clinton jokes, Cruz jokes, Cuba jokes, Janice Hough, March madness jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 19, 2016
#Spurs 119 #Lakers 113. Kobe Bryant 25 points, Tim Duncan double-double. Another great battle for the aged.
–
And here I thought the #Spurs looked rusty after the All Star Break. #Warriors
–
The Texas Rangers will host an event this weekend where fans who hit a home run at the ballpark can win season tickets. The Atlanta Braves reportedly will have a scout at the event to offer the winning fan a contract.
–
Former #Mets #Dodgers and #SFGiants infielder #JuanUribe has signed with the #Indians. Guess he got tired of all that playoff pressure.
–
Jonathan Papelbon has publicly apologized for choking Bryce Harper. Since Dusty Baker is the new Nationals manager, have to wonder if starting the season in long relief was a possible alternative.
–
Serious post for a change – R.I.P. former SF Giants player and manger Jim Davenport, 82, and former Oakland A’s infielder Tony Phillips, 56. 82 is sad, 56 is way way way too young.
–
Okay, a well-publicized story about a Detroit woman giving birth to her 14th child from 14 different fathers turns out to be fake. We should have known better, she wasn’t also the first woman to play in the NFL.
–
Harper Lee has passed away at the age of 89. Hope it wasn’t all those reviews of “Go Set a Watchman” that killed her.
–
Because of a flight delay, Chinese airline Hainan put two women, who didn’t know each other, up in a hotel near the airport. They ended up with an “erotic” room with whips, chains etc. Men are reading this and thinking “Just another way in which U.S. airlines lag foreign carriers.”
–
Apparently the U.S. no-fly list may have resulted in security problems and boarding delays for many Canadian children who have similar names to those on the list, even on flights within Canada. So assume their response is #BlameAmerica
–
The University of Texas has announced that they will soon allow students to carry handguns on campus. Well, since most students are under 21, fortunately there’s no chance any of them will be able to drink while they carry. #sarcasm
–
Robert Jeffress, pastor of the First Baptist Dallas church, says of Pope Francis’s comments about Christians not building walls: “The pope needs to ask for Donald Trump’s forgiveness for sing such an outlandish thing,” Once again, this is putting a whole new meaning on #Jesuswept
–
#youcantmakethisstuffup Donald Trump has tweeted out a call for a boycott of Apple until the company agrees to unlock the San Bernadino shooter’s phone. He sent the tweet on his iPhone.
More of this “stuff” you can’t make up. Marco Rubio now says on “day one” of his presidency, he will stop protecting “Dreamers,” (undocumented immigrants who came to the U.S as children) from deportation. Great way to pay it forward for someone who was himself an anchor baby.
–
Sen. Ted Cruz, with the latest rationale for not holding Senate hearings for whoever Obama nominates to the Supreme Court. “I think that hearing would end up very politicized. And I don’t think it would be fair to the nominee.”
George Orwell would be SO proud.
Saw this trending on FB: “Jaimie Alexander and Peter Facinelli: Couple Ends Their Engagement, Representatives Say.” Anyone but me going “Who?”
Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, gun jokes, harper lee, Janice Hough, Spurs jokes, Texas jokes, Trump jokes, Warriors jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
February 16, 2016
Buster Posey is moving permanently to Northern California. “My wife has just really fallen in love with the area. And as anybody who’s married knows, once your wife’s happy with a place… ”
And heck, with a 9 year $167 million contract, the Poseys can almost afford to buy a house here.
–
Clemson’s Deshaun Watson accepted the O’Brien Trophy for the best college football QB, and spoke of the team’s “unfinished business.” Hmm, wonder if that includes classes?
Manny Pacquiao has apologized after he compared gay couples to animals. So has the Filipino boxer been hit in the head one too many times? Or is he planning to move to the US and run for office as a Republican?
A British man managed to eat at all 46 London McDonald’s restaurants in a single day. Wonder when his services are scheduled.
–
So the audio went out for part of Adele’s song last night. And many Super Bowl viewers are thinking “Why couldn’t it have happened to Cold Play?”
A German shorthaired pointer won the Westminster Kennel Club dog show. Waiting for Trump to complain about a foreigner taking something from American dogs.
–
Headline on a tabloid magazine seen at the check stand “How Khloe saved Lamar.” Uh, except for the fact that Odom probably wouldn’t have been such a mess and ended up overdosing if he had never gotten involved with the Kardashians in the first place.
–
President Obama, talking about his plan to nominate a Supreme Court justice “The Constitution is pretty clear about what is supposed to happen now’
Waiting for Ted Cruz to respond “the Constitution is a living, breathing thing.”
–
George W. Bush in South Carolina, campaigning for his brother. “I understand that Americans are angry and frustrated but we do not need someone in the Oval Office who mirrors and inflames our anger and frustration.”
That’s a lot more articulate than he ever was as President.
–
A list of the world’s top airports for on-time flights is out, and #1 in the U.S. is… Minneapolis?! No joke. Think about that the next your airline delays your flight due to snow.
–
American Airlines is suing Go-Go internet to get out of their contract because they have found faster and better alternatives. Not sure of the legality here, but considering Go-Go charges about $35 for the mediocre internet they have on cross-country flights with United (2-3 times United’s other wi-fi prices), this might be the one time popular opinion is on the side of the airlines.
Ben Carson, asked in an interview if GOP candidates would say the same things about waiting to nominate a Supreme Court judge if there was a Republican president, responded “No, they wouldn’t.” So Dr. Carson is making a last-ditch push to pander to the reasonable faction of his party?Ben Carson, asked in an interview if GOP candidates would say the same things about waiting to nominate a Supreme Court judge if there was a Republican president, responded “No, they wouldn’t.” So Dr. Carson is making a last-ditch push to pander to the reasonable faction of his party?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: airline jokes, baseball jokes, boxing jokes, Janice Hough, Pacquiao jokes, SFGiants jokes, Trump jokes, westminster dog show jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
December 31, 2015
Bill Cosby has been released on $1 million bail after being arrested on a 2004 sexual assault charge. Looks like it’s going to be a long trial of “He Said – “She She She She She She She She She She Said.”
ESPN reports that Cal quarterback Jared Goff will announce tomorrow that he will enter the NFL draft. Of course, if Goff ends up with the SF 49ers it may be a lateral move.
–
If there was any doubt that Stephen #Curry should be leading the #NBA #MVP vote at this point, the Warriors removed it Wednesday night against Dallas.
–
Johnny Manziel apparently reported to on Wednesday with “concussion-like” symptoms and is being evaluated. So he could miss the Browns’ final game Sunday. Hmm, am I the only one who wonders about the similarity between symptoms of concussions and hangovers?
–
Chip Kelly is gone, but 49ers head coach says “I’m going to coach until somebody tells me I’m not.” Too soon to start a pool…?
–
About 20 passengers on an Air Canada flight from China to Toronto were injured by turbulence today. Want to bet at least 19 of them decided they didn’t need to be wearing their seatbelts?
–
The FAA is investigating after Alaska Airlines accidentally landed a plane on a taxiway instead of a runway at Seattle Airport. Damned Apple maps.
–
Lots of talk about Colin Kaepernick and where he will be next year, but as one analyst said, with that kind of arm there will always be some team that thinks they can fix him. So basically Kap has become the football equivalent of a left-handed pitcher.
–
“Affluenza” teen Ethan Couch is fighting extradition back to the United States. Hmm, so how much do we have to pay Mexico to keep him?
–
Authorities are sending #Affluenza mom Tonya Couch back to the U.S. where she faces up to 10 years for helping her son escape. While Ethan himself is looking at only 120 days for a probation violation. Why do I get the sense he’ll end up doing something to reunite himself with mom in jail in no time?
–
Microsoft has a new “selfie” app – which “takes age, gender, skin tone, lighting, and many other variables into account, applies different models automatically and finishes enhancement with just a single click.” So it’s supposed to IMPROVE your picture; clearly this is aimed at a generation with little experience of Windows.
–
Rand Paul is attacking Chris Christie, saying the Gov.has spent “219 days outside of New Jersey” (in 2015), even though he “signed a law requiring NJ public employees to be residents and spend majority of their time there.”
To be fair, maybe most residents of New Jersey prefer it when Christie is out of state.
Reserve Alabama cornerback has been sent home from the Cotton Bowl by Nick Saban for a “violation of team rules,” Proving once again that coach Saban can be a strict disciplinarian. As long as a reserve player and not a starter is involved.
–
Now for a serious thought, for a change. Re Clinton and Trump: No one including me is denying that Bill Clinton is a tomcat and has behaved badly over sex. But there is a difference to my mind between Bill’s zipper problem and Trump’s flat-out insulting and hateful attitude towards women – “all of the women on “The Apprentice” flirted with me—consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.” And calling a woman lawyer who needed to take a break to pump breast milk “disgusting.”
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: affluenza jokes, airline jokes, Alabama jokes, Chris Christie jokes, cosby jokes, Janice Hough, Johnny Manziel jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
October 16, 2015
Bevo XIV, a longhorn steer who was the University of Texas mascot, has died from bovine leukemia. But he still might be a part of a memorial BBQ in his honor.
–
In Houston, amazingly no one was killed and six workers have been rescued after scaffolding collapsed at an apartment construction site downtown. It was the worst collapse the city has seen except for the Astros bullpen.
–
An American Airlines flight was delayed in Dallas by a swam of over a 1,000 bees. On a brighter note, that’s the first time in recent memory the airline has generated serious buzz
–
United’s new CEO has been soliciting feedback on the carrier from customers. Now he is apparently in the hospital after suffering a heart attack. Hope this isn’t from the shock of seeing what people think of the airline.
–
Fox News terrorism pundit Wayne Simmons was arrested yesterday after a grand jury indicted him on charges of falsely claiming to have been a 27-year CIA operative. Shame grand juries can’t indict for falsely claiming to be a credible presidential candidate.
–
So the state of Nevada has at least temporarily outlawed FanDuel and DraftKing, saying that their games are gambling and need a license. So now the only way to gamble in Nevada outside of a casino remains the stock market.
–
A little side note on that #Owusu catch. Yes,there was a defensive pass interference flag. #Stanford declined the penalty.
The German football federation says allegations in Der Speigel that it used over 10 million Swiss francs to bribe FIFA members to get the 2006 World Cup are “completely baseless.” Do they mean the idea of bribes or the amount of money?
–
Even a mean, blind, deaf and dumb squirrel finds a nut once in a while: Westboro Baptist Church says that they will protest Kim Davis on Monday for her “adultery,” claiming that the county clerk is a “proud, self-righteous hypocrite.”
While he wasn’t arrested Browns’ QB Johnny Manziel was apparently pulled over earlier this week in Cleveland when witnesses saw him arguing with his girlfriend in a car. And Manziel admitted to drinking. So congrats to all those who had October 16 in the pool.
–
Joe Biden’s camp is indicating that the V.P. is close to deciding if he will enter the 2016 Presidential race. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your effing mind.”
–
From T.C. ” Toronto Blue Jays fans pelted the field with objects after a controversial call went against them in game 5 of the ALDS. . Signs will be posted for their next game that patrons will be immediately ejected if they throw any beer cans, soda pop containers or Maple Leaf jerseys onto the field.”
Categories: baseball jokes
Tags: airline jokes, Biden jokes, blue jays jokes, Draftking jokes, johnny manziel, Kim Davis jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
October 5, 2015
Oops. With “biblical” flooding in South Carolina, NBC’s weatherman Al Roker has now apologized for tweeting a selfie with him and his crew standing besides a flooded car. Guess it’s not just teenage girls who smartphones can make stupid.
–
The Supreme Court today denied to hear San Jose’s claim that MLB has illegally blocked the A’s attempt to move to the South Bay. Maybe the city would have done better if they framed the case as an issue of religious freedom. #ibelieveinthechurchofbaseball
–
The CEO of Alaska said the airline lost his checked bag. And over at United they’re thinking “”For the first time? Amateurs.”
–
Yankees pitcher C.C. Sabathia has checked himself into alcohol rehab. Shocking. Not that an athlete goes to rehab, but he does it without being arrested first.
–
After the Saints OT win yesterday, Texas governor Greg Abbott said the Cowboys’ defense was “more porous than the Texas border.” Surprised he didn’t blame Obama.
–
Well, we now have the answer to the question – How are the #Lions going to screw up their chance to win tonight? #MNF #DETvsSEA
–
So in close games in the 4th quarter should referees at CenturyLink Field just go ahead & put #Seahawks logo on their uniforms? #DETvsSEA
–
American Apparel has filed for bankruptcy. American Apparel is still in business?
–
In Tennessee last Saturday, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed an 8-year-old neighbor when the girl wouldn’t let him play with her puppy. #Ifonlyshewerearmed
–
So just wondering ,how long until even atheists in SF start calling for #Tebow? #SF49ers
–
Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino, doubling down on his denials of being aware of a former director of basketball operations paying escorts to have sex with players and recruits – “Not myself, not one player, not one trainer, not one assistant, not one person knew anything about any of this. If anyone did, it would have been stopped on a dime. Not one person knew anything about it.”
Not ONE person? Again I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.
–
Edward Snowden now is telling the BBC that he’d “volunteered to go to prison with the government many times,” if he returns to the US but had not received a formal plea-deal offer. Guess it says something about life in Russia these days if an American jail is more appealing.
–
Last week it came out that the Libertarian candidate for Senate in Florida had sacrificed a goat, now he also admits that in a pagan ritual he drank its blood. Where are the defenders of religious freedom on this one?
–
From Marc Ragovin – “After only four games, the Miami Dolphins have axed head coach Bill Philbin. I guess Philbin now sleeps with the fishes.”
–
And guest driving on the bus to hell, T.C. “Who knew that CC Sabathia was really CC & Seven Sabathia?”
An American Airlines pilot died last night in the cockpit of a red-eye flight to Boston. You know you’re on the bus to hell when the first thing you think of is “Airplane” jokes.
–
Serious thought for a change:
Jerry Brown, a former Jesuit seminarian, signed a bill in California today to allow terminally ill people to end their lives. The Catholic church opposes the bill, and the Governor said did not know what he would do if he were dying and in pain.
“But,I am certain, however, that it would be a comfort to be able to consider the options afforded by this bill. And I wouldn’t deny that right to others.”
Sometimes I think it’s a real shame Moonbeam is too old to run for President.
Categories: airline jokes, As jokes, baseball jokes, cellphone jokes, pitino jokes, snowden jokes, Supreme court jokes, texas jokes
Tags: #cantfixstupid, A's jokes, airline jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough, Snowden jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 