Posted tagged ‘Kentucky Derby jokes’

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And down the stretch they come.

May 7, 2016

Nyquist wins the Kentucky Derby. Hope confused fans don’t start throwing octopuses at him.

(Non-hockey fans, google “Red Wings” and “octopus.”)

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Waiting for conservatives to complain the Kentucky Derby glorifies athletes who will succeed, then go have lots of out-of-wedlock children.

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Hard to imagine sometimes we once had ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ telecasts without Tara Lipinski & Johnny Weir. ‪#‎matchmadeinheaven‬?

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So many private jets at the ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ you’d think it was the GOP national convention.

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#‎Walmart‬ says it is bringing back its “customer hosts” at the door. ‪#‎MakeAmericaGreetAgain‬?

 

Who’d a thunk that ‪#‎BartoloColon‬ would be certain to end the 2016 season with more home runs than ‪#‎PabloSandoval‬?

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SF Giants have not said publicly if they have made an offer to Tim Lincecum. Of course, the way Cain and Peavy have been pitching, and now today’s game ending in the 13th, they may sign him only if he can start Monday.

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Matt Duffy gets a walkoff hit in the 13th, as the Giants game finished 2 minutes before the NBA Western Conference semi-finals, thereby sparing millions of SF sports fans by minutes of having to decide between the SFGiants and the Warriors.

 

The Cubs in 2016 have a +101 run differential. To put this in perspective, the Yankees in 2016 have SCORED 100 runs.

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You really cannot make this “stuff” up. A American Airlines commuter flight was delayed two hours because a University of Pennsylvania math professor was working on a differential equation, and a woman passenger thought he might be “a terrorist because he was writing strange things on a piece of paper.”
The professor, who is Italian, was questioned and the “allegations were found to be non-credible.” ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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Lauryn Hill was booed by fans in Atlanta after she showed up 2 hours late for a concert. She blamed it on her driver getting lost Gosh, if only someone could think of an invention to solve that kind of problem..

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At a high school outside of Boston, someone hacked selfies that girls sent to their boyfriends, and apparently created some additional fakes, then posted up to 50 pictures on Dropbox. Once again, so thankful to have grown up in a pre-social media age.

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Almost worth putting Elizabeth Warren on the Democratic ticket just for her comebacks. This tweet after Donald Trump said he was “driving her nuts “No, @realDonaldTrump – your racism, sexism & xenophobia doesn’t drive me nuts. It makes me sick. And I’m not alone”

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Trump is attacking Hillary over Bill’s extra-marital affairs “She’s married to a man that got impeached for lying.” Right, and the Donald would never have lied to the American people. Only Ivanka, and Marla, and…..?’

 

 

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Derby eve.

May 6, 2016

Happy Kentucky Derby Eve, or Derby Day, depending when you read this: The Kentucky Derby is 142 years old. But it might be the perfect sporting event for our time – to give it their full attention, the race only requires people to put down their phones for 2 minutes.

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The Kardashians flew down to Cuba to film an episode of their reality show. If Raoul Castro really wants to improve relations with the U.S. maybe Cuba can keep them?

 

Tim Lincecum pitched off the mound today. Timmy has 2 important qualities ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are now looking for in a 4th or 5th starter – Alive & Breathing

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In St. Cloud, Florida, a 25 year-old man allegedly fatally shot his brother in an argument over a cheeseburger.  Will he say he was just standing his ground beef?

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Jeb Bush has joined Lindsay Graham in saying he will not vote for Donald Trump nor Hillary Clinton. Well, this should make a difference to both of Jeb’s former supporters.

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A Reuters/Ipsos poll says ” Nearly half” of U.S voters plan to vote for Clinton or Trump in November mainly to keep the other side from winning. Only half?

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Email today asking if I have “Decided not to thank President Obama for fighting Citizens United?” because I haven’t signed some card yet. Why do I think that if I ignore the email President Obama will get over it?

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The LA Angels of Anaheim, below .500 and already struggling with injuries, have lost starter Garrett Richards for the season. Looking like only thing that could really save their season – moving to the NL West.

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Golfer Zac Blair was disqualified from the Wells Fargo Championship for using a bent putter. The putter had got bent when he hit himself in the head with it after missing an earlier putt. And apparently you can replace clubs but not when damage is done in anger. ‪#‎andwethoughtthebalkrulewasweird‬

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GOP chairman Reince Priebus on Donald Trump’s Cinco de Mayo tweet. “He’s trying.” Yes, very.

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Sen. Lindsey Graham said today he will not vote for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. But he expects to be re-elected as someone who can make tough decisions facing our country?

 

London has elected Sadiq Khan as their first Muslim mayor. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

 

Dick Cheney says he will support Trump’s candidacy. Makes sense, maybe Cheney hopes the Donald will choose him as a running mate and let the former VP run the country again

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And  happy birthday to Willie Mays, still the Say Hey Kid at 85.   (This picture taken at spring training when Willie was still a young 84.)

willie

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A horse is a horse, of course of course…

May 5, 2016

An 8-1 shot in the ‪#‎KentuckyDerby‬ is a horse named “‪#‎Exaggerator‬ .” Waiting for ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ to sue for copyright infringement.

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The next GOP primary is in Nebraska. With Ted Cruz having dropped out at least Carly Fiorina doesn’t have to spend time researching a horse that comes from the Cornhusker state, so she can say she’s rooting for him in the Kentucky Derby.

 

SF Giants reliever Vin Mazzaro May 2, 2 outs, 1 hit, 0 earned runs and a win relieving Johnny Cueto.  May 5,   relieving Matt Cain, Mazzaro got  1 out, with six hits and 9 earned runs ‪#‎Baseballisacruelgame‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

 

 

With each pitch ‪#‎timlincecum‬‘s asking price is going up. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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The Dodgers have suspended SS Erisbel Arruebarrena for the remainder of the season “for his repeated failure to comply with the terms of his contract.” Well, that and for hitting .182. ‪#‎teamsdontsuspendsuperstars‬

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Apparently some Hawks players were upset that the Cavaliers, including bench players, kept shooting 3-point shots to set the all-time NBA record last night –  (25)  with the game not even close. Here’s a hint to Atlanta, don’t want a team to set a 3-point shooting record against you? Start playing defense.

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A recently published PennLive story says former coach Joe Paterno allegedly was told about accused child sexual abuse Jerry Sandusky in 1976. Guessing that Paterno statue that was temporarily removed from its place on campus going to stay in its hidden “secure location.”

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In Hong Kong, KFC is introducing edible nail polish that supposedly tastes like chicken. WTF? KFC’s fried chicken doesn’t really actually taste like chicken.

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John McCain says that Donald Trump’s heading the GOP ticket could make the Senate’s re-election bid “the race of my life,” because of how unpopular Trump is with Hispanics.
Yeah, it’s a real bummer when a loose cannon on the Presidential ticket threatens the party’s candidates in state races.
Mean bitch karma for yet another win.

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A bodyguard who was fired by Kanye West for allegedly trying to hit on Kim Kardashian says he didn’t do anything wrong and that Kanye is ‘the most self-absorbed person’ he’s ever met. Hmm, another potential running mate for Trump?

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Open note to @realDonaldTrump on your running mate pick – @SarahPalinUSA is available. Love, all U.S. comedy writers.

 

Donald Trump tweeted on Thursday. “Happy ‪#‎CincoDeMayo‬! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!”
‪#‎wrongonsomanylevels‬ ‪#‎guessheswritingoffcaliforniatexasandarizona‬

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Paul Ryan “I’m just not ready to do that (support Donald Trump) at this point, I’m not there right now, and I hope to, though, and I want to, but I think what is required is that we unify this party.”
Waiting for one of these wimps to say, “You know what. Screw it. I’m voting for Hillary but support your local GOP candidates. We can survive four more Clinton years with a Republican House and Senate.”

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Johnny Manziel, who is out on bail, has been ordered by a Texas judge to have no contact at all with his former girlfriend. And we all know how well Manziel follows instructions.

 

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Police in Arizona have decided to drop felony charges against a high school football player who exposed his penis in a yearbook picture “on a dare,” The relieved kid told a local reporter “God is on my side and I’m blessed [by] everything that’s happened from the support side.”
Uh, it’s Arizona. He shouldn’t be thanking God, but rather the fact he’s a white, heterosexual football player.

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As a British Studies major once upon a time, have to note that JD in PA reminds us  .”Anyone who had a Shakespeare course in college could tell you that “Bend it like Richard III” should work on at least two levels.#leicesterjokes”

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Fight night.

May 3, 2015

Regarding this ‪#‎MayPac‬ fight on Pay-Per-View. I’m trying to figure out how much someone would have had to have paid me to view it. ‪#‎notaboxingfan‬

 

So what comes next? Mayweather’s next fight or his next domestic violence arrest? ‪#‎MayPac‬

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But hey, for anyone who really is a fight fan…. wouldn’t it have been cheaper to sign up to stream Kansas City Royals games?

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Now, if anyone wants to see a real fight, the Yankees have decided Alex Rodriguez’s 660th home run is not a “marketable milestone.”  So they don’t have to pay him a $6 million bonus.  Which A-Rod plans to challenge.

(On top of the animosity involved, how often do Americans get to see a fight where they hope both sides lose?)

 

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Congrats to American Pharoah for winning the best two minute event in sports. As opposed to say, Big Papi’s batter’s box ritual.

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American Pharoah could really win the hearts of the country – What’s more American these days than misspelling?  “Pharaoh” is the correct spelling.  But the name sent in and selected as the winner of a naming contest, and the owner didn’t notice.  Until after American Pharoah was registered….

 

Although to be honest, have to wonder how many Americans even know what a Pharaoh is.

 

Maybe next year the Zayat Stable should name a horse “Autocorrect.”

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A baby three hours after going to the hospital and a girl at that. Is Kate efficient or what? ‪#‎improvingthegenepool‬ ‪#‎Royalbaby‬

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Kate leaves the hospital 10 hours after giving birth. And no doubt some U.S. conservatives would say, yes, another poor mother who suffers because the Government is in charge of healthcare. ‪#‎Royalbaby‬

 

 

So the ‪#‎NYJets‬ have yet another quarterback. Forget bobbleheads, will the one of the team’s giveaways be a toy clown car?

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And we wonder why former football players have health problems. From a Colts website story on Stanford’s Henry Anderson. “He’s a good pass rusher, and if he adds some weight (he’s 6-6, 295 pounds) he could develop the power that could make him a force up front “. Adds some weight….? Sigh

 

 

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Rick Santorum on Bruce Jenner. “If he says he’s a woman, he’s a woman.” It’s a start. now, would Santorum let Ms. Jenner use a bathroom with his wife?

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Two police dogs in Medford, are expected to be out of work because while they are great at sniffing out marijuana. pot will become legal in Oregon July 1. But maybe savvy buyers can contract them on a part time basis for quality control?

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First Saturday in May

May 2, 2015

This year Kentucky Derby hype overlaps with NFL draft hype. Makes sense, both events feature extremely talented young males who will likely go on to have many out-of-wedlock offspring.

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Jameis Winston celebrated being chosen #1 in the draft by posting an Instragram photo of himself, with crab legs. Even Johnny Manziel is going “Dude, THINK”

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A man has filed a class action lawsuit against MillerCoors because he thinks they are pretending that “Blue Moon” is a ‘craft’ beer.  Really?   What’s next, a suit saying that Coors using “Rocky Mountain High” is false because the beer doesn’t contain marijuana?

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So a former aide to Chris Christie has pleaded guilty in “Bridgegate” although the N.J. denies knowledge of any wrongdoing. A Christie-Clinton debate could be fun, and maybe might include real issues. After, “okay, I’ll accept your denials if you accept mine. Next”

 

A new Stanford study found that thinking can help spread brain tumors. So maybe it’s not just our imagination that stupid people can seem to live forever.

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At this point wouldn’t it be more newsworthy if some actress who worked with Bill Cosby said he DIDN’T assault her?

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A new joint technology with Samsonite and Samsung will have GPS microchip technology in suitcases. So travelers will be able to find out to which different cities the airlines have sent their luggage.

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The ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ competition for the week is heating up. In Montana, a man featured on a “Crime Stoppers” Facebook page was arrested after he “liked” his own online wanted poster…..

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So of course the riots in Baltimore bring out the crazies on both sides with social media posts. Like this one on FB:

“So I am watching the news in Baltimore and see large swarms of people throwing bricks, etc at police who are fleeing from their assaults … 15 in the hospital already. Solution. Simple. Shoot em. Period. End of discussion. I don’t care what causes the protestors to turn violent…what the “they did it because” reason is…no way is this acceptable. Flipping disgusting.”

So what kind of idiot guy posts this? Oh, it was a woman, Teana Walsh. And she is, or maybe was, an assistant prosecutor near Detroit. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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#‎MLB‬ says average game time in 2015 has dropped by 8 min. Alas, progress may be derailed by weekend of Red Sox-Yankees games. ‪#‎NYYvsBOS‬

 

Almost 26 years ago on the eve of the Kentucky Derby, I was at least a week more than 9 months pregnant. And am convinced that with a tie game into the eighth inning, Giants pitcher Mike LaCoss (sorry Buffy) put me into labor.  (Dramatic, albeit not fun  – three walks then a bases clearing double.)

Tonight, on the eve of the Derby, Kate is in labour. Not sure the Brits follow baseball. But after the Giants’ walk-off win in the ninth maybe she should  name the kid after Joe Panik?

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American heroes and zeroes.

April 30, 2015

England is all abuzz waiting for William and Kate’s second baby, which may be overdue. Americans don’t get why Brits care so much about a Royal Family. As opposed to more important things like whether Hillary can beat Jeb?

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Marcus Mariota watched the NFL draft from his home in Hawaii instead of going to Chicago. Wonder how many will criticize the decision and say the QB at least should have been watching from somewhere in the U.S.

 

 

For their 1st round pick in the NFL draft, the Denver Broncos drafted DE Shane Ray, who is already enrolled in the league’s substance abuse program after being cited this week for marijuana. Well, not sure if Ray will be a starter this year, but he’s already well on his way to some potential endorsement deals in Colorado.

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Stanford’s OT ‪#‎AndrusPeat‬ to the ‪#‎Saints‬. Talented AND smart. Somewhere ‪#‎DrewBrees‬ is smiling.

 

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Have to wonder with  NFL draft starting Thursday night, now agents have locked their clients in a room since say, Monday, to make sure they didn’t get in trouble?

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#‎JameisWinston‬ #1 to ‪#‎TampaBay‬ in the ‪#‎NFLDraft‬. Makes sense, at least Winston already has good relations with Florida cops.

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And so now as we head to round two of the ‪#‎NFLDraft‬, many questions remain. Such as, “which QB will the ‪#‎NYJets‬ make a mistake with this year?”

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The Oakland As are not off to a great start this year. If the team doesn’t look out they won’t have anyone to trade away at the deadline.

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So Billy Donovan is leaving Florida for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Makes sense, these days being in the NBA gives you more years to coach college-age players.

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Judith Miller on “The Daily Show,” defending her stories about WMD’s in Iraq. “Everyone got it wrong.” Uh, not exactly “everyone.” ‪#‎whatstoopainfultoremember‬

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The Kentucky Derby favorite is “American Pharoah”   Wonder how many Americans think that is yet another nickname for Obama.

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Meanwhile, Gary Stevens, 52,  will ride “Firing Line.”    So will Stevens’ game plan be to scream  at the other jockeys “You punks get off my racetrack”?

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A 45 year-old-man escaped with only minor injuries when he was pulling up his pants in a Chick-fil-A bathroom and accidentally shot his own leg with his Glock pistol. This happened in Hamilton, Ohio. Okay, Florida, catch up.

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Blake Lively, quoted in UK magazine “Stylist” “I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School, and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time.” Uh, so is Blake angling for a movie contract – “Corporately Blonde?

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In Oklahoma, during a debate about giving state supreme court justices a raise, Rep. Kevin Calvey argued that the court was not sufficiently anti-abortion, and stated “If I were not a Christian, and didn’t have a prohibition against suicide, I’d walk across the street and douse myself in gasoline and set myself on fire. To protest the evil that is going on over there, killing, giving the death penalty, to the will of the people and the will of this body and protecting the least among us.”

Well, in the name of consistency I say it’s his body and Calvey should be able to do what he wants with it. ‪#‎anybodygotamatch‬?

 

From T.C.  “Seahawks QB Russell Wilson upgraded a US Army passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight to 1st Class from Economy. Best part of this story was that he “handed” the serviceman the ticket.”

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Oh say can you speed it up?

April 27, 2015

While MLB is focusing on pace-of-game issues, maybe they should consider also fining National Anthem singers who add several syllables to one-syllable words?

 

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The NFL draft is Thursday. DE Shane Ray, a probable first round pick, was cited early this morning in Missouri for a traffic violation and marijuana possession. So should part of the job for a really good sports agent be to lock these kids in a room for the week prior to the draft? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

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A Fox News poll found that 51% of Americans say to legalize marijuana, and 48% say to legalize gay marriage. Of course, with legalized marijuana the same-sex marriage tolerance might go up “Whatever, dude, will they offer me some of their wedding cake?”

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Having this sense that had Bruce Jenner gone to Nepal for a spiritual retreat before his sex-change operation that the Internet would have exploded by now….

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Kim Kardashian said in a “Today” interview that while she doesn’t fully understand her stepfather, she supports him “100%” in his plan to transition to a woman soon. Preferably no doubt as soon as possible so Bruce stops taking headlines from her and Kanye?

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Apparently DUI charges against former Seminole P.J. Williams, who is projected to go early in next month’s NFL draft, have been dropped. The Florida D.A. has decided there was insufficient evidence to charge him. Am sure the fact Williams was arrested by the FSU Police Department has nothing to do with this.

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Jeb Bush told donors that his Super PAC could hit the $100 million mark in fundraising this month. And told reporters on the same day “I don’t think you need to spend $1 billion to be elected President of the U.S. in 2016.” What, so Jeb thinks you need to spend $2 billion?

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Both the Kentucky Derby and Wimbledon have banned selfie sticks this year. Or they could just allow the sticks, and ban the people carrying them. #enoughalready

 

The NCAA is apparently leaning towards reducing the shot clock from 35 to 30 seconds for men’s basketball. Maybe because they don’t want to confuse all these “one-and-dones” with higher math?

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So what was the difference between the Toronto Raptors and the Toronto Maple Leafs this year? About a week.

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Apparently a brawl, with punches thrown, broke out on a flight from Heathrow last night over legroom. It was on a flight to Muscat, Oman, and a man was arrested upon landing. Surprised it didn’t happen on a flight to the U.S. Of course American carriers would have charged another passengers an entertainment fee to watch.

(From my friend Matt Goldberg, “No Muscat Love on that flight.” )

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Apparently representatives from Nevada have been to Colorado to see how recreational marijuana legalization is going. I can see that. Vegas needs more ways to loosen people’s inhibitions.

 

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg “A headline reads ‘Bush leads Clinton in Polls.’ What was the headline below that? ‘E-mails might replace Faxes’?”

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Run for the roses.

May 3, 2014
Kentucky Derby day brings up again the question of whether or not a racehorse is a true professional athlete. They’re young, talented, mostly male, but they do wait until retirement before having lots of out-of-wedlock offspring.

 

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#CaliforniaChrome just gave a lot of red staters another reason to hate California. #KentuckyDerby

 

 

Kentucky Derby Day. When enough mint juleps can make any hat look good.

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California Chrome’s victory in the Kentucky Derby means that for a couple weeks at least many Californians care about horse racing. Sort of how most Americans cared about the Winter Olympics.

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A tour bus belonging to Willie Nelson’s crew is for sale. Presume it’s a vehicle that only takes the high road.

 

–The FAA has decided for safety reasons to reduce the number of departure runways at Chicago O’Hare from 3 to 2. Good thing the airport isn’t very busy.

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The surest sign that Obamacare is working? The GOP wants to start another Benghazi investigation.

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Amazing story out of Minnesota about the woman who saw a young man slip into a storage locker and called the police because of a “gut feeling.” Turns out he was planning to kill his family and stage a Columbine type massacre. Particularly amazing, the police didn’t dismiss her call as much ado about nothing from a silly woman.

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Bud Selig, again tooting his own horn as MLB commissioner, “When I took over in 1992, the gross revenue … was $1.2 billion. This year will be well over $8 billion.” But at least $1 billion of that has to be beer purchases at Yankee Stadium.

 

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A lot of husbands are alive today because they have never referred to their wives as “silly rabbits.”

 

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Anyone but me ready for V. Stiviano’s 15 minutes to be up?

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Giant drama.

May 5, 2013

Another walk off win for the SF Giants. 10-9 in ten. Salvaging a night where a possible “MLB The Show” curse caught up with Buster Posey – he hit into a bottom of the ninth inning-ending double play.

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Rough week to be a sports fan in Los Angeles. The Dodgers’ Hanley Ramirez, back on the DL, was on the active roster for less time than the Lakers and Clippers lasted in the playoffs.

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CB Cliff Harris was cut by the NY Jets after he was arrested for marijuana possession. This is the same Harris who was pulled over for driving 118 MPH in 2011 while playing for Oregon, asked “Who’s got the marijuana in the car?” a-nd responded “we smoked it all.” So does 2 + years now count as short-term memory loss?

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Kentucky Derby winning purse – $1,439,800. And the winner himself just gets chicken feed, or rather, horse feed.

(Augie does point out that the winner is probably at least happy with the stud opportunities.)

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Previously unbeaten Kentucky Derby favorite Verrazano, whose owner is from New Jersey,  ended up 14th in the race.   If he doesn’t perform better next race, he’s been threatened with retirement to Jersey.

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At an NRA convention, Sarah Palin spoke of Maggie Thatcher as “her hero.” Even though Thatcher refused to meet with Palin, and as Prime Minister supported gun control — overseeing a bill passed in 1988 outlawing semi-automatic guns. If Baroness Thatcher wasn’t dead, this might have killed her.

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A 35-year-old Arizona grandmother is being held and charged in the death of her 3-year-old grandson, who allegedly shot himself in the face with her handgun. Which she had left in her backpack with her meth pipe. Your move, Florida.

“The Great Gatsby” remake is opening, with Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey Mulligan reprising the roles played in 1974 by Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. Wonder how many people will think, “Great story, will there be a novelized version?”

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A bat that Mickey Mantle used in 1964 will be up for auction. And as confirmed by x-ray, the bat is corked. Once again, can we just put an asterisk on the banner outside the Hall of Fame and be done with it?

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New NRA president Jim Porter has called Barack Obama a “fake president,” referred to the Civil War as “the War of Northern Aggression,” and said that we should train all civilians to use standard military firearms to fight tyranny. Thus perhaps trying to prove the NRA’s stance that the US has a mental health problem not a gun problem.

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TC says  “a  small group of protesters want the NFL to change the name of the Washington Redskins. The league is considering “The District of Columbia Redskins” to appease descendants of the first President.”

 

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Finally a serious note.  43 years ago.  May 4, 1970.  Kent State   The students who were killed would be grandparents by now:  http://www.cleveland.com/metro/index.ssf/2013/05/kent_slayings.html

 

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LA LA land.

May 4, 2013

Apparently tickets for Friday night’s opening  of the Rolling Stones tour at Staples Center were still available as of the day of the show.. Guess folks in Los Angeles heard the title “50 & Counting” and figured it was a Los Angeles Lakers’ exhibition game.

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But in the end, what was the difference between this year’s Lakers and Clippers?  About a week.

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In England, they are considering a plan to allow private firms to bid on probation contracts, and then only paying those firms if the offenders do not commit further crimes. Perhaps they could try out this scheme on Lindsay Lohan?

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Not to complain, really, but has someone told the SF Giants that it is possible to win a game without coming from behind?

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NY Mets GM Sandy Alderson told a reporter that he hasn’t considered firing managerTerry Collins. Maybe thinking, “If I have to stay and watch this crappy season, so does he.”

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Hillary Clinton has said she just wants to relax for a while and stay home. But Nancy Pelosi said “I pray that Hillary decides to run for president of the United States.” And Bill is thinking “From your lips to God’s ear… and of course she should start on the campaign trail asap….”

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–Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino has an ownership stake in Kentucky Derby entrant Goldencents. Actually, since the Derby is only for 3 year olds, it has a lot in common with NCAA basketball – one year and you’re done.

(my friend Michael Duca says perhaps the Kentucky Derby has more in common with the NBA – work a little, then stand at stud.)

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–Stories are coming out that Geno Smith, the NY Jets new potential backup QB, may be a “pampered, spoiled brat” in one scout’s words, with a “diva attitude” that caused at least one team to pass on him. And somewhere Tim Tebow is asking himself “is calling this divine retribution a sin?

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The Mailman, delivering again. Quote from Karl Malone on Jason Collins “I’m proud of the young man. Isn’t it time we stopped wasting so much time on what a person prefers?”

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Microsoft has announced that Hotmail is dead. And most people are thinking “Didn’t that happen about 10 years ago?”

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And you think your mom did you wrong with your baseball cards and comic books — Kobe Bryant has filed a lawsuit to try to keep his mother from auctioning off his high school and early Lakers days mementos – items she said he told her he didn’t want any more, but which are worth a reported $1.5 million.

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Mark Sanchez says “no doubt” he expects to be the NYJets’ starting QB next season. Great news. For the rest of the AFC East.

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Cubs owner Tom Ricketts said he would consider moving the team if Wrigley renovation plans fall through. Yesterday, the independent league Schaumburg Boomers, who play in a Chicago suburb, offered to share their 7,536 seat park with the Cubs, on the condition that the Boomers got 1st priority on dates as they are “committed to winning a championship in 2013.”

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Bangladesh’s Finance Minister Abul Maal Abdul Muhith said after the recent factory collapse that killed at least 500, that the disaster would not harm the country’s garment industry “”The present difficulties … well, I don’t think it is really serious… These are individual cases of… accidents. It happens everywhere.” So is this an NRA joke or a Dottie Sandusky joke?

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Tweet (and twits) of the week? 

May 1, 2013

Even if you don’t care about baseball, got to love this tweet from Oakland A’s reliever Sean Doolittle (@whatwouldDOOdo): “In the 19th inning of a game that ended at 1:42am local time.  “(sic) Journal entry. Its now the 19th inning. we r out of food & water and weve lost 3 men to injury but morale is high. we need to win soon. SOS.”

 

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More on the 19 inning game.  Gaylord Perry  hinted in his book  “Me and the Spitter,”  that first he tried his “new pitch”  in the 15th inning of a Giants-Mets 23 inning game in 1964.   So maybe we should keep an eye on potential swervy pitches from the A’s Brett Anderson, who pitched 5 1/3 innings of relief Monday night.

 

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Texas A & M announced plans to renovate their football stadium to seat 102,500. Not that we need anything to put football in Texas in perspective, but the population of College Station, TX, where A & M is located, is 95,142.

 

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Oops, a couple idiots in London pushed up a barricade to get into a lower deck at a Gatwick Airport parking garage. Police blew the van up, and discovered “nothing threatening” inside. They believe the men were trying to catch a flight.. Now, this could have been a terrorist dry run. If not and you think missing luggage is the worst thing that can happen at the end of a trip….

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Three days until the Kentucky Derby. Always a big event for the NBA. Since finally the spotlight is on athletes who have more out-of-wedlock offspring than their players.

 

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General Petraeus’s biographer and ex-mistress Paula Broadwell said today she has made some mistakes but is returning to her “faith-based” roots.” And that she is looking for “meaningful work not publicity.” Just guessing not too many wives would sign off on her doing any more biographies.

 

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Apparently Ted Cruz is considering a run for President in 2016. Even though he was born in Canada to a Cuban father and U.S. mother. Well, at least Cruz is consistent in his demonstrated mastery of the U.S. Constitution.

 

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Robert Griffin III says he will not keep playing the next time he has an injury; he claims that he has learned from his “mistakes.” If so, he might be one of the only NFL players who has.

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The SF 49ers have signed British Olympic discus finalist Lawrence Okoye, who has never played football. Well, makes sense, NFL teams sign student-athletes all the time who have never been students.

 

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From T.C.  “The PGA has dropped doping case against Vijay Singh over deer antler spray. It is no longer on the list of banned substances. Insiders say that Tiger never used it, but may have at one time hit on a waitress named Bambi.”

 

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Ran for the Roses.

May 6, 2012

One of the points of Kentucky Derby day appears to be to drink enough mint juleps to make those hats look good.

 

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So maybe “I’ll Have Another” won’t win the Triple Crown.  But he also won’t get arrested, won’t give a stupid interview, and all his illegitimate children will at least be conceived deliberately.

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You cannot make this stuff up: On Cinco de Mayo, a Mexican jockey wins the Kentucky Derby in his first try – aboard “I’ll Have Another.”

 

 

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Mormons are different: Mitt Romney’s son Tagg and his wife just welcomed twins conceived through IVF and born to a surrogate. Well, they can afford it, and infertility is rough no matter what your wealth. But the boys are their 5th and 6th children….

 

A thought about Mitt Romney’s son Tagg’s two new twin boys, born by IVF and a surrogate. So what do pro-life folks do with the extra embryos?

 

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Two of the three hikers held in Iran after they accidentally hiked across the Iran-Iraq border are getting married. Hope they are registered for a GPS.

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Shaquille O’Neal received his doctorate in education today from Barry University in Florida. Putting him about 7 1/2 years of university ahead of most college stars today.

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“The Avengers” had the second highest opening day in history with a $80 million take Friday. When asked what they thought of the plot, millions of moviegoers responded “Plot?”

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Okay, for fans of useless baseball trivia. Madison Bumgarner, 22, got a hit and RBI today for the Giants, Jamie Moyer, 49, got a hit, and scored a run for the Rockies. Is this the biggest gap in age ever for two pitchers getting a hit on the same day?

 

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The Angels gave Albert Pujols the night off.   Meaning he contributed as much to their offense as he has on an average night this season.

 

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The original line in “My Old Kentucky Home” is “Tis summer, the darkies are gay.” Now it’s sung “Tis summer, the people are gay.” Amazed being Kentucky, that they haven’t changed it to “the people are happy.”

 

Some buzz on the internet about a man taking pictures as his wife was attacked by cheetahs in a petting pen in South Africa. (The women survived with relatively minor injuries.) But uh, “cheetahs” and “petting pen?” Those are two words that maybe should not be used in the same sentence.

 

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Happy (belated) birthday, Willie.

May 7, 2011

Willie Mays turned 80 years old on Friday.  The “Say Hey” kid is still pretty spry. In fact he clearly remembers every detail of his first hit, against Jamie Moyer.

Okay Giants fans, anyone who watched Friday’s game?  A show of hands from all of you who figured the Giants would come back from 3-0 in the 6th.   Now all of you liars put your hands down.

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And on the occasion of Willie Mays’ 80th birthday, my favorite quote after his miraculous World Series catch was from Giants’ reliever Don Liddle, who threw the ball Vic Wertz hit.  Liddle reportedly came back to the dugout afterwards and said “I got my man.”

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San Francisco Giants hitting coach Hensley Meulens has been selected as an astronaut for a space expedition being planned by his native Curacao, as the Caribbean nation tries to start a space tourism program.    When asked why he volunteered Meulens reportedly said that it would be an honor,  he wants to serve his country, and besides Brian Wilson has always spoken highly of his home planet.

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Rough night for the Lakers, who led by seven with five minutes left, and still fell to the Dallas Mavericks, who now lead the best-of-seven series 3-0.   This could be the most embarrassing sports story in Los Angeles.  Are we sure the McCourts aren’t somehow involved?

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Brett Favre now says he might become a coach or work as a television analyst in the future. Of course it will probably take him 10 years to decide which one.

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Saturday is the “Run for the Roses.” And besides all the folks who forgot and are scrambling for flowers for Mother’s Day, it’s also the Kentucky Derby.

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One of the horses in the Derby is named “Pants on Fire.”  My son points out what a shame it is that there isn’t another horse in the field named “Liar, Liar.”   Because then the stretch drive could be truly memorable.

“And down the stretch they come It’s Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire, Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire…”

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The San Jose City Council decided not to rename “Norman Y. Mineta San Jose International Airport” to “Norman Y. Mineta Silicon Valley/San Jose International Airport.” Even the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim thought that sounded a bit unwieldy.

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Arthur Laurents, who wrote “West Side Story,” died at the age of 93.   Now, ironically, when San Jose got their hockey team, there was a naming contest and the first-place finisher was “Blades” But the owners were worried about potential gang name associations, and went with the runner-up, “Sharks.” (True.)

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Good thing Baltimore isn’t likely to win the World Series and be invited to the White House anytime in the next decade – Orioles star Luke Scott quoted this week “(President Obama’s) birth certificate has yet to be validated … If they can counterfeit $100 bills, I think it’s a million times easier to counterfeit a birth certificate…. Anybody can produce a document, so let’s check it out.”

Al-Qaida has confirmed Osama Bin Laden’s death and vowed “retaliation.” So since their announced plan already was to destroy America, this is different from standard operating procedure how?

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San Francisco Giants hitting and other myths…

May 3, 2009

So the San Francisco Giants won another 1-0 game.  After they lost a 5-1 game. And won a 3-2 game.  Three games, five runs, and this time they won two of three.  

It’s enough to make you turn to a high scoring sport like soccer.

Actually Giants management says they would like to trade for a good hitter, but revenue is down. 

Have they considered that one reason revenue is down is because they don’t have any good hitters?

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“Mine that Bird, ” a 50-1 longshot, won the Kentucky Derby.   The 3 year old gelding beat some expensive horses flown by private jet from the Mideast.  But he travelled across country to Churchill Downs with a 21 hour drive in a basic horse trailer pulled behind a pickup truck.    I see a potential lucrative endorsement contract from Southwest Airlines.

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The New York Mets have banned local newspapers from their clubhouse in an effort to keep players from reading negative stories about the team’s lousy start.  Across the city, the Yankees are insulating their bullpen by simply banning newspapers written in English.

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Two members of the New Orleans Saints were arrested and charged with 3 counts including obscenity, disturbing the peace and lewd conduct.  New Orleans officials issued a statement saying they were very disappointed. Normally the Saints only embarrass themselves on the field

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As the Youtube video of Condoleezza Rice arguing with a Stanford student receives more and more global attention, one question comes to mind.  How can you be smart enough to be chosen as Secretary of State, and dumb enough not to realize that these days, everyone in the world has a camera phone?

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