Posted tagged ‘NFL draft jokes’

Ch-ch-ch-choices…..

April 26, 2018

Has any team after day 1 of NFL Draft ever said “Well, guy we picked was our 4th or 5th choice, but the SOBs above us nabbed all the guys we really wanted”?

NFL Draft.  When many young men will have their dreams come true. Including those who breathed a sigh of relief “Well, at least I didn’t get drafted by the Cleveland Browns.”

NY Jets fans seem very happy with Sam Darnold And why not, because USC QBs have done so well lately in the NFL….. #sarcasm

San Jose Sharks could have found a better way to distract from #NFLdraft than to lose by a 7-0 football score.

NBA admits last night they missed goaltending on LeBron James at end of Cavs-Pacers game 5. Silly league. Don’t they know superstars NEVER goaltend? Or travel for that matter.

Despite joking about bomb at LAX, Packers WR Trevor Davis will not face charges after meeting with LA City Attorney. Did Davis claim he didn’t know any better since he’s a Cal grad? @StanfordFootball

Well so much for Donald Trump’s plan to nominate as Secretary of VA, Dr. Cliff Huxtable.

So will O.J. Simpson offer to help Bill Cosby find the real rapist.

So House Speaker Ryan fired House chaplain for criticizing tax cuts? I’m so old that I remember when Paul Ryan was a “compassionate conservative.”

So when’s the duet coming out with Kanye West and Shania Twain?

When Trump visits England in July he may skip London to avoid unpleasant protests. Right, the man who believes he would rush a shooter is afraid of unarmed Brits with placards. #CadetBoneSpurs

Rand Paul saying he opposes Gina Haspel’s nomination to lead the CIA over her use of torture. Time to open up the pool on when Paul will say he’s decided to support her. #invertebrate

Trump said maybe he didn’t get Melania “so much” for her birthday. “I got her a beautiful card.” Not perhaps the gift she really wanted – divorce papers?

Trump on  Fox and Friends – Cohen was one of his “many attorneys. He represents me like with this crazy Stormy Daniels deal.”
Can’t imagine why White House doesn’t want him to sit down with Mueller.

That moment when POTUS is even too crazy for  Fox and Friends….

Trump tweeted  he “Loved being on @foxandfriends this morning. Great show!”
Maybe not as much as Democrats liked it.

 

Congressman Steve King proposed legislation to keep CNN from paying airports to be on televisions in terminals. Well, not like GOP is about free markets or anything….

Let my people whine…

April 25, 2016

Just thinking, if Moses tried to lead his people out of Egypt today how many would have had to be left behind bitching about food allergies?

Happy 40th Birthday to Tim Duncan. If the Spurs manage to win him one more ring, San Antonio will have the first NBA championship parade to do the entire route with their left blinkers on.

 

Mark Cuban today before game 5 made a comment that Kevin Duran was the “one superstar” on the OKC Thunder, but that Russell Westbrook was ” an All-Star but not a superstar.”
Yeah, that worked out well.

Grade 1 sprain for Steph Curry. Which means that millions of Warriors fans are suddenly going to become amateur knee doctors for the next few weeks.

 

 

ESPN reports that the NFL says no player tested positive for drugs during February’s scouting combine. Meaning either that this year’s draft class is clean, or that they were smart enough not to do anything until AFTER the combine.

Yeah, professional athletes aren’t quite like the rest of us. Sunday’s “Style” section of the SF Chronicle focused on “FashionWarriors,” Golden State players and their post game looks. Andre Iguodola looked sharp in a sweater pants combination with some expensive jewelry but noted “it’s just an old Gucci sweater, a couple of seasons at least.”

Panthers RB Cameron Artis-Payne was reportedly arrested for driving 102 in a 65 mph zone in rural North Carolina. Hmm, with that kind of speed maybe Artis-Payne should consider a career change to NASCAR..

A federal appeals court has ruled in favor of the NFL in the “deflategate” case, and reinstated New England Patriots Tom Brady’s original suspension. Your tax dollars at work.

Donald Trump is now referring to Ohio’s governor as “1 for 38 Kasich,” based on the 1 state Kasich won. Maybe the Donald isn’t really running for President – he’s trying to be “Triumph, the Insult Dog.”

 

Megyn Kelly has announced that Donald Trump has agreed to sit down with her for an interview to air next month. Proving once again, that we CAN all get along – especially when rating$$$$$ are involved.

Another thought on this bathroom craziness. The talk is mostly of men in women’s rooms. But leaving aside the fact that it isn’t always obvious, do all these alarmists want, for example, a big burly transgender with facial hair who was born female forced to use the ladies’ room?

 

Karma in mean bitch mode again. Some users want to sue Ashley Madison for revealing their personal information. Except a judge has ruled that to go forward with the lawsuit, they must reveal their real names.

Sam Bradford has now demanded a trade because he figures the Eagles will draft a better QB. Hmm, sounds like the guy might be a perfect fit for the 49ers.

First Saturday in May

May 2, 2015

This year Kentucky Derby hype overlaps with NFL draft hype. Makes sense, both events feature extremely talented young males who will likely go on to have many out-of-wedlock offspring.

Jameis Winston celebrated being chosen #1 in the draft by posting an Instragram photo of himself, with crab legs. Even Johnny Manziel is going “Dude, THINK”

A man has filed a class action lawsuit against MillerCoors because he thinks they are pretending that “Blue Moon” is a ‘craft’ beer.  Really?   What’s next, a suit saying that Coors using “Rocky Mountain High” is false because the beer doesn’t contain marijuana?

So a former aide to Chris Christie has pleaded guilty in “Bridgegate” although the N.J. denies knowledge of any wrongdoing. A Christie-Clinton debate could be fun, and maybe might include real issues. After, “okay, I’ll accept your denials if you accept mine. Next”

 

A new Stanford study found that thinking can help spread brain tumors. So maybe it’s not just our imagination that stupid people can seem to live forever.

At this point wouldn’t it be more newsworthy if some actress who worked with Bill Cosby said he DIDN’T assault her?

A new joint technology with Samsonite and Samsung will have GPS microchip technology in suitcases. So travelers will be able to find out to which different cities the airlines have sent their luggage.

The ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬ competition for the week is heating up. In Montana, a man featured on a “Crime Stoppers” Facebook page was arrested after he “liked” his own online wanted poster…..

So of course the riots in Baltimore bring out the crazies on both sides with social media posts. Like this one on FB:

“So I am watching the news in Baltimore and see large swarms of people throwing bricks, etc at police who are fleeing from their assaults … 15 in the hospital already. Solution. Simple. Shoot em. Period. End of discussion. I don’t care what causes the protestors to turn violent…what the “they did it because” reason is…no way is this acceptable. Flipping disgusting.”

So what kind of idiot guy posts this? Oh, it was a woman, Teana Walsh. And she is, or maybe was, an assistant prosecutor near Detroit. ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

 

#‎MLB‬ says average game time in 2015 has dropped by 8 min. Alas, progress may be derailed by weekend of Red Sox-Yankees games. ‪#‎NYYvsBOS‬

 

Almost 26 years ago on the eve of the Kentucky Derby, I was at least a week more than 9 months pregnant. And am convinced that with a tie game into the eighth inning, Giants pitcher Mike LaCoss (sorry Buffy) put me into labor.  (Dramatic, albeit not fun  – three walks then a bases clearing double.)

Tonight, on the eve of the Derby, Kate is in labour. Not sure the Brits follow baseball. But after the Giants’ walk-off win in the ninth maybe she should  name the kid after Joe Panik?

American heroes and zeroes.

April 30, 2015

England is all abuzz waiting for William and Kate’s second baby, which may be overdue. Americans don’t get why Brits care so much about a Royal Family. As opposed to more important things like whether Hillary can beat Jeb?

Marcus Mariota watched the NFL draft from his home in Hawaii instead of going to Chicago. Wonder how many will criticize the decision and say the QB at least should have been watching from somewhere in the U.S.

 

 

For their 1st round pick in the NFL draft, the Denver Broncos drafted DE Shane Ray, who is already enrolled in the league’s substance abuse program after being cited this week for marijuana. Well, not sure if Ray will be a starter this year, but he’s already well on his way to some potential endorsement deals in Colorado.

Stanford’s OT ‪#‎AndrusPeat‬ to the ‪#‎Saints‬. Talented AND smart. Somewhere ‪#‎DrewBrees‬ is smiling.

 

Have to wonder with  NFL draft starting Thursday night, now agents have locked their clients in a room since say, Monday, to make sure they didn’t get in trouble?

#‎JameisWinston‬ #1 to ‪#‎TampaBay‬ in the ‪#‎NFLDraft‬. Makes sense, at least Winston already has good relations with Florida cops.

And so now as we head to round two of the ‪#‎NFLDraft‬, many questions remain. Such as, “which QB will the ‪#‎NYJets‬ make a mistake with this year?”

The Oakland As are not off to a great start this year. If the team doesn’t look out they won’t have anyone to trade away at the deadline.

So Billy Donovan is leaving Florida for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Makes sense, these days being in the NBA gives you more years to coach college-age players.

Judith Miller on “The Daily Show,” defending her stories about WMD’s in Iraq. “Everyone got it wrong.” Uh, not exactly “everyone.” ‪#‎whatstoopainfultoremember‬

The Kentucky Derby favorite is “American Pharoah”   Wonder how many Americans think that is yet another nickname for Obama.

Meanwhile, Gary Stevens, 52,  will ride “Firing Line.”    So will Stevens’ game plan be to scream  at the other jockeys “You punks get off my racetrack”?

A 45 year-old-man escaped with only minor injuries when he was pulling up his pants in a Chick-fil-A bathroom and accidentally shot his own leg with his Glock pistol. This happened in Hamilton, Ohio. Okay, Florida, catch up.

Blake Lively, quoted in UK magazine “Stylist” “I have a dream to go to Harvard Business School, and one of these days I will do that… in my spare time.” Uh, so is Blake angling for a movie contract – “Corporately Blonde?

In Oklahoma, during a debate about giving state supreme court justices a raise, Rep. Kevin Calvey argued that the court was not sufficiently anti-abortion, and stated “If I were not a Christian, and didn’t have a prohibition against suicide, I’d walk across the street and douse myself in gasoline and set myself on fire. To protest the evil that is going on over there, killing, giving the death penalty, to the will of the people and the will of this body and protecting the least among us.”

Well, in the name of consistency I say it’s his body and Calvey should be able to do what he wants with it. ‪#‎anybodygotamatch‬?

 

From T.C.  “Seahawks QB Russell Wilson upgraded a US Army passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight to 1st Class from Economy. Best part of this story was that he “handed” the serviceman the ticket.”

Is there a draft in here?

April 30, 2015

The Cleveland Browns are apparently discussing a trade to get Marcus Mariota. Who’d a thunk it? For the 2015 season, a team appears to have more confidence in Tim Tebow than one has in Johnny Manziel.

 

Apparently North Dakota Rep. Randy Boehning has admitted now that he is gay after a man who he sexted on Grindr outed him over his hypocritical voting record. All these closeted creeps must be longing for the good old days when the only way you’d probably get found out was propositioning an undercover officer.

Really eerie watching all the players stand for the National Anthem at Camden Yards with no fans in the stands. Former NLers Adam LaRoche and Ubaldo Jimenez must have felt like they were about to start a game at Dodger Stadium.

 

The Houston Rockets fired their head of social media. For tweeting an image of a horse with a gun pointed at it, with the comment “it will all be over soon” as Houston was about to sweep the Dallas Mavericks. Tacky. Although inn the grand scheme of things, there have been worse tweets.

But from someone who was HIRED to be an expert in social media? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

The NFL has “voluntarily” given up their tax-exempt status. Meaning one of two things. Either the league figures Congress was close to actually doing something before an election year. Or their tax accountants have figured out another way to avoid paying.

 

Jack Ely, 71. who sang “Louie Louie” with Ely and the Kingsmen in 1963, has died. It may not the greatest recording all time. But “Louie Louie” probably holds the record for the song which has had the most brain cells destroyed while listening to it. ‪#‎Toga‬!

 

Eight home runs in 21 innings in 2015 for Ryan Vogelsong. I know Vogelsong is trying to secure his place for the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ after Matt Cain returns, but someone should tell him the Giants already have a BP pitcher.

It’s only April, but Alabama CB Cyrus Jones has become the fourth player on the team arrested this spring. For two counts of misdemeanor domestic violence. Maybe Nick Saban shouldn’t be trying quite so hard to recruit players who are NFL ready?

Republicans hope to damage Hillary Clinton with allegations that the Clinton Foundation took money from foreigners who hoped to benefit from her State Department decisions. While GOP 2016 Presidential candidates have hauled in hundreds of millions already from Super PACs. Well, makes a certain amount of sense, guess they feel politicians should be bought and paid for right here in the USA.

Reports are that so far this year North Korea’s Kim Jong Un has ordered the execution of 15 senior officials who were accused of challenging his authority. And President Obama’s got to be thinking “You can do that?”

 

 

Florida Congressman Mario Diaz-Balart has attached a provision to a Dept. of Transportation appropriations bill to bar any new flights or cruise ships to Cuba, saying it’s because of the President’s “shameful eagerness to appease dictators.”

Guess I’ve missed Diaz-Balart’s efforts to break off relations with, amongst other countries, Saudi Arabia.

Oh say can you speed it up?

April 27, 2015

While MLB is focusing on pace-of-game issues, maybe they should consider also fining National Anthem singers who add several syllables to one-syllable words?

 

The NFL draft is Thursday. DE Shane Ray, a probable first round pick, was cited early this morning in Missouri for a traffic violation and marijuana possession. So should part of the job for a really good sports agent be to lock these kids in a room for the week prior to the draft? ‪#‎cantfixstupid‬

A Fox News poll found that 51% of Americans say to legalize marijuana, and 48% say to legalize gay marriage. Of course, with legalized marijuana the same-sex marriage tolerance might go up “Whatever, dude, will they offer me some of their wedding cake?”

Having this sense that had Bruce Jenner gone to Nepal for a spiritual retreat before his sex-change operation that the Internet would have exploded by now….

Kim Kardashian said in a “Today” interview that while she doesn’t fully understand her stepfather, she supports him “100%” in his plan to transition to a woman soon. Preferably no doubt as soon as possible so Bruce stops taking headlines from her and Kanye?

Apparently DUI charges against former Seminole P.J. Williams, who is projected to go early in next month’s NFL draft, have been dropped. The Florida D.A. has decided there was insufficient evidence to charge him. Am sure the fact Williams was arrested by the FSU Police Department has nothing to do with this.

Jeb Bush told donors that his Super PAC could hit the $100 million mark in fundraising this month. And told reporters on the same day “I don’t think you need to spend $1 billion to be elected President of the U.S. in 2016.” What, so Jeb thinks you need to spend $2 billion?

Both the Kentucky Derby and Wimbledon have banned selfie sticks this year. Or they could just allow the sticks, and ban the people carrying them. #enoughalready

 

The NCAA is apparently leaning towards reducing the shot clock from 35 to 30 seconds for men’s basketball. Maybe because they don’t want to confuse all these “one-and-dones” with higher math?

So what was the difference between the Toronto Raptors and the Toronto Maple Leafs this year? About a week.

Apparently a brawl, with punches thrown, broke out on a flight from Heathrow last night over legroom. It was on a flight to Muscat, Oman, and a man was arrested upon landing. Surprised it didn’t happen on a flight to the U.S. Of course American carriers would have charged another passengers an entertainment fee to watch.

(From my friend Matt Goldberg, “No Muscat Love on that flight.” )

Apparently representatives from Nevada have been to Colorado to see how recreational marijuana legalization is going. I can see that. Vegas needs more ways to loosen people’s inhibitions.

 

 

 

From Alex Kaseberg “A headline reads ‘Bush leads Clinton in Polls.’ What was the headline below that? ‘E-mails might replace Faxes’?”

Fight on!

April 1, 2015

USC AD Pat Haden tweeted today he will skip the College Football Playoff meeting this week in Indianapolis. “I am the proud father of a gay son In his honor, I will not be attending the FP committee meeting in Indy this week.” Impressive work by Indiana, who knew you could give USC the moral high ground?

After supporting the new “religious freedom” law strongly, Indiana Governor Mike Pence today said “we’ll fix this and we’ll move forward.” Translation, “we had no idea that even old boys’ clubs NCAA and NFL would be against it. and we’ve $uddenly got million$ of rea$on$ to rethink thi$.”

 

New “Daily Show” host Trevor Noah is taking heat for tweets from a few years back that were misogynistic and/or racist. This should be interesting, Noah may turn off some regular viewers, but he might be the first person on the show to be defended on FOX News.

 

 

We’ll see how it plays out with Trevor Noah’s offensive tweets. But was anyone but me just a bit annoyed that the Daily Show had to go all the way to South Africa to find someone to replace Jon Stewart, rather than hiring a woman?

Coach K and his former player-assistant coach both have chances to hoist banners this year. ‪#‎Stanford‬ ‪#‎Duke‬ ‪#‎NITTournament‬ ‪#‎NCAATournament‬

The average salary this year in Major League Baseball will top $4.25 million. You know what that means. Beer prices are going up.

Phil Jackson, trying to reassure Knicks season tickets holders for next year said “We have a clear plan.” Uh, so did Custer.

 

Josie Canesco, 18, daughter of Jose, was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Maybe the apple doesn’t stagger far from the tree.

Alabama RB Tyren Jones was already suspended for “conduct not to the standard of the football program. Now he was arrested for marijuana possession, the third Crimson Tide player arrest in four days. Yep, Nick Saban really is running an NFL type program.

Asked why Tampa should make him the first NFL pick this year, Jameis Winston responded “Because I’m the best player in this draft.” Well, it’s a better answer than “Florida has cheap crab legs.”

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today in court that Aaron Hernandez told him he was innocent of murder. Well, and why would Kraft think anyone connected with the Patriots would have reason to lie?

Just a hint to political fundraisers – putting “URGENT” on emails asking for donations is a great way to get things urgently put into the spam box.

Tough time to be a environmentally conscious Californian. Starbucks gives you a 10 cent discount for bringing a reusable cup. But washing that cup takes water…..

From Gary M, in response to my suggestion that the Falcons pay guys from local frats rather than paying a fine to pipe in crowd noise…. “Good idea, but the frats probably can’t make bail till after the weekend.”

Sam I Ram.

May 10, 2014

Sign of progress, it seemed absolutely irrelevant today that Michael Sam’s boyfriend is white. #Thetimestheyareachanging #MichaelSa

A thought about Michael Sam being drafted. Yeah, maybe some in the media are making too much of it. But changes don’t get to be small deals without the first ones being big deals.

CNN commentator Margaret Hoover, on the Rams’ drafting Michael Sam, that she hopes the message will be for high school kids that “they don’t have to be afraid of choosing to be gay or choosing their dream in sportsmanship and professional sports.”   Just like Jackie Robinson helped kids not be afraid of choosing to be black.

A.J. McCarron, who is now engaged to Katherine Webb, has been chosen in the NFL draft by Cincinnati. And Brent Musberger has already inquired about broadcasting Bengals games.

Today is Mother’s Day. Or as they say in the NBA “So many women, so little time.”

 

It may be “No Country for Old Men” but it sure is a Western Conference Semifinals for old men. #Spurs

#SFGiants Pablo Sandoval has as much a chance of getting a hit w/ 2 strikes now as Donald Sterling does of getting another NAACP award.

For the second time in 3 days, planes have hit birds at LaGuardia Airport. No injuries were reported. “Speak for yourselves,” say relatives of the birds.

Elin Nordegren, speaking at her Rollins College graduation, mentioned that her divorce “was right after I had taken communication and the media… I probably should have taken more notes in that class.” Tiger is just glad Elin wasn’t taking lessons in how to swing a golf club.

A South Carolina high school teacher has been accused of having sex with three different students in one day. Clearly these budget cutbacks have our educators stretched too thin.

 

Headline “IndyCar Grand Prix of Indianapolis Marred by Huge Crash.” And a lot of casual racing fans are thinking “Marred?”

The NBA apparently believes it can also remove Donald Sterling’s estranged wife Shelly from ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers. If private phone conversations are a problem, how much more slippery a slope is being married to an a**hole?

 

Reefer and other madness?

May 10, 2014

Just wondering, if you are an NFL player and live in Colorado or Washington, shouldn’t you be able to follow the laws of your state during the offseason?

Cleveland Browns WR Josh Gordon may be suspended for the season after failing a drug test, allegedly for marijuana . If true this would be Gordon’s FOURTH failed drug test. This ought to do wonders for the rumors that marijuana is bad for your memory…..

Johnny Manziel‬ at least consoled himself when he was drafted by the ‪Cleveland Browns‬ that he would have the best WR in the game. Oops. .‪#‎JoshGordon‬

 

The Cleveland Browns hope  #JohnnyFootball finally is their dream QB.   Or else a new generation of Cleveland fans will learn the term “mistake by the lake.”

 

The D.A. assigned to the Justin Bieber egging case apparently wants to charge it as a felony. Sounds like a waste of taxpayer dollars, but one question, is a felony conviction enough to get him deported?

After all the hoopla regarding the first round of the NFL Draft yesterday,  NFL fans had to wait for the second round until 8pm Friday night. They are dragging this thing out worse than the last minute of an NBA playoff game.

 

 

The FAA said an American Airlines plane almost collided with a drone earlier this year. Standby for CNN to devote several hours to a possible new theory for MH370….

The University of Oregon has announced three men’s basketball players involved in a sexual assault investigation have been dismissed from the program. Wonder how fast the now former Ducks can apply for the NBA draft?

 

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was selected in the first round of the NFL draft by Green Bay. It had to be the Packers. Just guessing security for their away games may also include a sign censor.

 

Shame that #Alabama and Ha Ha #ClintonDix never played #Stanford.The LSJUMB band would have had great fun before they ended up on probation.

At this point all the #SFGiants need to make a run at another World Series title is one or two more Brandons.

Mitt Romney today, “I part company with many of the conservatives in my party on the issue of the minimum wage. I think we ought to raise it.” What, now that Mitt is not running for President he’s allowed to make occasional sense? Wonder how long it will take him to support Romney-Obamacare.

 

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix was selected in the first round of the NFL draft by Green Bay. It had to be the Packers. Just guessing security for their away games may also include a sign censor.

 

A judge struck down the Arkansas gay marriage ban. Great news, now residents of the state don’t have to be limited by gender when they marry a relative.

 

Story is that after the NFL draft, Johnny Manziel was partying until 5am in New York with women, shots and champagne. Wouldn’t it have been a bigger story if Manziel WASN’T partying until 5am with women, shots and champagne?

 

 

Police charged a woman with felony criminal mischief. Because she didn’t like the people living next door and allegedly tricked a contractor into bulldozing their mobile home. Back on your game, Florida.

Time passages.

May 8, 2014

NBC announced Wednesday morning they have extended their Olympics TV deal through 2032. What? They didn’t tape the announcement and show it in prime time?

 

Caleb Johnson on American Idol Wednesday did a great job on “Maybe I’m Amazed.” And wonder how many younger viewers are thinking “Cool. Isn’t that a hit from the guy who used to be with Wings?”

Charlie Crist said he left the GOP because it is now seen as “anti-women, anti-minority, anti-women, anti-gay, anti-education, anti-environment,” and because leadership “went off a cliff.” Crist better watch it, he might be making way too much sense to be elected in Florida.

 

CNN is reporting that Sarah Palin says Hillary Clinton will likely reconsider her position on abortion rights now that her daughter is pregnant. And many Americans seeing another Sarah Palin story are thinking, “Can’t you go back to coverage of MH370?”

Bizarre factoid of the day. Most Americans probably don’t know the Prime Minister of Canada. But they know the Mayor of Toronto.

Johnny Manziel is saying that teams who pass on him in the draft will regret it. Even Richard Sherman is saying, “Dude, less is more.”

Target’s interim CEO John Mulligan “Our guests can shop with confidence at Target.” Wonder if he added under his breath “If they pay cash.”

Venture capitalist Tim Draper “When you work for your government, when your government forces you to do something, it’s slavery. We need to take it back.” Right, because if he didn’t live in California, instead of ending up a billionaire, Tim feels he might be a trillionaire by now?

 

Male whine of the day. .MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough,”This is not about Bill Clinton This is about the women who were eviscerating Monica Lewinsky, who for 18 years was quiet and, by the way, lived a life of shame and her entire existence reduced to a punchline,” Well, no one is claiming Bill is a saint. But it’s wrong to say that a 22 year old woman was capable of making her own bad choices?

Tim Lincecum is doing a great job of pitching to contact. Unfortunately the contact he is pitching to is the wall.  #SFGiants.

Hillary Clinton, when asked today if she is running for President in 2016. “I am somebody who really has to mull things over. Stay tuned. When I know, you’ll know.” Even Brett Favre is thinking “Jeez, lady, make up your mind.”

A dinosaur threw out the first pitch at today’s Padres game. Saw that headline and thought “But Jamie Moyer didn’t even play for San Diego.”

 

Stay classy. Former Dodgers’ manager Tommy Lasorda, a friend of Donald Sterling, said of V. Stiviano “I don’t wish that girl any bad luck, but I hope she gets hit with a car.” Hate to hear what Tommy hoped about any of the SF Giants when they won the World Series in recent years.

Not quite a Virgin flight…

May 7, 2014

A woman was detained and then released by Las Vegas police after she apparently got drunk on board a Virgin Atlantic flight from London and noisily joined the Mile High Club,with a man she had just met on board. The best part – she was traveling with her PARENTS. And you think some of your family vacations have been awkward.

 

 

The NFL Draft is coming Thursday. For the uninitiated, that means for a few days ESPN will be only slightly less fixated on the draft than CNN has been on MH370.

After a social media storm,  Eric LeGrand is again speaking at Rutgers’ commencement. “I’ll take ‘Damage Control’ for $1000, Alex.”

 

Apparently Toronto mayor Rob Ford may have disappeared on his way to rehab in Chicago. You actually kind of hope he’s hiking the Appalachian Trail

Golden State Warriors have fired coach Mark Jackson, saying they think “it’s time to move in a different direction.” Like back out of the playoffs?

SFGiants are getting about as much production out of Pablo Sandoval as they would if he were on the DL.

Many frustrated #SFGiants fans want Bruce Bochy to bat Pablo Sandoval 8th. Although there are others who disagree and think the Panda should bat 9th.

Anyone who needs a reason to root for the San Antonio Spurs, I give you coach Gregg Popovich. He’s been having WNBA star Becky Hammon, who wants to coach someday, attend practices. And Popovich says about a female NBA coach someday – “I don’t see why not. There shouldn’t be any limitations. It’s about talent and the ability to do things. It’s not about what your sex is or your race is or anything else

The Spurs were on a roll. Tonight looked like one of the most uneven matchups in San Antonio since the Alamo.

Would ANYONE who hadn’t watched the regular season and just turned in for the #NBAplayoffs have guessed the #IndianaPacers were a #1 seed?

Monica Lewinsky, in a Vanity Fair article: “I, myself, deeply regret what happened between me and President Clinton. Let me say it again: I. Myself. Deeply. Regret. What. Happened.” More like she regrets a – getting caught, and b- not having that fifteen minutes of fame turn into something lucrative?

 

Just an open note to those in the GOP who want to use Monica Lewinsky’s book against Hillary. The American public knows Bill Clinton is a tomcat. We knew that when we elected him the first time. And we would have elected him a third time if possible. Yeah it makes for good punchlines but in the big picture nobody cares.So get over it. #puritans

 

From Marc Ragovin;  ” Willie Mays turned 83 on Tuesday. Of course he has now gone from “say hey” to “what did you say?””

 

Tweets and twits.

April 28, 2013

(Belated post that should have been posted last Wednesday…. better late than never?)

 

Controversy over all the tweets Kobe Bryant sent during game 1 of the Los Angeles-San Antonio series… Apparently he missed being part of the team. No worries, with the next week of the NBA playoffs, Kobe and his Lakers teammates will all be able to sit and tweet together.


Anthony Weiner, hoping to ride the road to redemption all the way to New York’s mayoral office, said today there MIGHT be more sexts out there. “If reporters want to go try to find more, I can’t say that they’re not going to be able to find another picture or find another person…” Who does Weiner think he is, Tiger Woods?

One of those lovely moments reminding us why baseball is the best sport tonight. (And not just because the Dodgers lost). The final, at Citi Field, was NY Mets 7, LA Dodgers 3. In 10 innings. Which means baseball fans instantly KNOW what the game winning hit was.

Mike Shanahan said that from now on RGIII “never plays if he’s not 100 percent.” So does this mean Griffin is retiring after the season opener?

Capital One Financial Corp. is paying $3.5 million to settle federal civil charges of underreporting losses on auto loans in 2007. What does that mean? Credit card fees are going up.

Don’t look now, but the 2013 Houston Astros, this year’s favorite baseball punchline, now have one more win than the Chicago Cubs.

Orlando Predators QB Kyle Rowley was arrested for DUI after he was allegedly found “passed out” in an parked SUV at 5am at an Orlando apartment complex entrance. Is the the Arena Football League star’s way of telling the world he thinks he’s NFL ready?

Star guard Russ Smith is staying at Louisville aiming to become his family’s first college graduate. Apparently after talking with coach Rick Pitino about his pro prospects, Smith decided his game needed more development.” What’s that T.S. Eliot line about “the right thing for the wrong reason?

David Petraeus will become a visiting professor this fall at Macaulay honors college at the City University of New York. So after the biography mess, he decided to take a position where there’s no chance of getting involved with starry-eyed young women?

Will the George W. Bush library be the first library to open without any books?

Three people were burned when two barges loaded with natural gas on Alabama’s Mobile River apparently exploded tonight. On the brighter side, this happened near where the disabled Carnival Triumph is dry docked, so it gave CNN reporters something to do.

Nerd prom?

April 28, 2013

Last night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, President Obama joked “”These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist I used to be.” And over at Fox News, they’re saying “See, he admits it.”

Sarah Palin slammed the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner as “pathetic” and bashed the “DC assclowns” who showed up for a “nerdprom.” Translation, this year nobody invited her.

In the 5th round of the NFL draft, the Seattle Seahawks selected LSU CB Tharold Simon, just two days after Simon’s arrest on disorderly conduct type charges. Guess Pete Carroll figures he should be able to handle petty criminal behavior after all those years at USC.

You think you have a rough year at work in front of you? How about Miriam Conrad, 56, a longtime Boston public defender, who just agreed to represent Dzhokhar Tsarnaev..

Wow, just what Syracuse QB Ryan Nassib wanted to hear from GM Jerry Reese after the NY Giants drafted him. “We have Eli in the prime of his career and you actually hope this quarterback (Nassib) never plays. We hope Eli plays for a long, long time.’’

Matt Barkley to the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, with Zach Ertz also chosen by the team, at least the practice field should be an interesting place on the day of the USC-Stanford game.

Hooters restaurants are trying to make themselves over as the restaurant chain hits 30. Guess management thinks things have gotten a little saggy.

 

If the San Francisco Giants keep up their streak of errors that result in losses, think the club will have to add asterisks when they sell and auction off those so-called “game-used gloves.”

 

Former SF Giant Jonathan Sanchez was fined and suspended for six games after hitting the St. Louis Cardinals” Allen Craig with a pitch Friday. The suspension might have been longer, but those who have followed Sanchez’s career found it hard to decide absolutely that the lefty has the control to deliberately hit anybody.

Now Metta World Peace is likely out for game 4. Will the last member of the Los Angeles Lakers to leave Staples Center please leave the lights on for the Clippers?

 

Before the Lakers head off into the sunset, this thought from Bill Littlejohn: “Dwight Howard got his 9,000th rebound, 14 days faster than Wilt Chamberlain. By the way, Wilt’s 9,000th rebound was a Knicks cheerleader recently dumped by her boyfriend.”

 

Todd Akin, asked about his “legitimate rate” comment that cost him re-election, said “Of course you regret it. You think, ‘Well, what would it have been like if I hadn’t done that?’” Now,Akin didn’t say that he thought he was wrong, just that he regretted saying it.

On the clock

April 27, 2013

Former Oregon coach Chip Kelly drafted former Stanford star Zach Ertz. Guess Kelly always wanted to know what it was like to coach a student-athlete.

LSU CB Tharold Simon, projected to be drafted Friday, was arrested last night in his Louisiana hometown on charges of threatening a police officer, public intimidation and noise violation. So was this Simon’s last ditch effort to be drafted by the Bengals?

(Simon update,  not drafted yet at time of posting.  Maybe better to save your arrests until you actually are part of the NFL?)

As of Friday night, is Matt Barkley looking into whether or not he has another year of eligibility at #USC?

From Alex Kaseberg:  The San Diego Chargers selected Manti Te’o. Or is it just somebody on twitter and Facebook pretending to be the San Diego Chargers?

(At least T’eo didn’t get drafted by the NY Jets. Who these days are pretending to be a professional football team.)

And with Manti T’eo to the San Diego Chargers, expect opposing stadiums to cue the “California Dreaming” music.

A U.S. brother and sister are recovering after a 14-hour swim to safety in St. Lucia when their boat sank during a fishing excursion. The pair are thinking it could have been worse – at least they hadn’t booked a Carnival Cruise.

Gwyneth Paltrow told Ellen Degeneres that she was “humiliated” by a see-through dress she wore to the Premiere of Iron Man. Here’s a hint Gwyneth, it IS possible to try clothes on in front of a mirror.

Coach Rick Pitino had to get a tattoo after he promised to get inked if his Louisvlle Cardinals won the National Championship. Well, at least that’s one worry no one ever has managing the Chicago Cubs.

Los Angeles #Lakers against the San Antonio #Spurs. As far as Jack Nicholson is concerned, it’s Too Few Good Men.

Air traffic delays fixed. Now if we could figure out a way to REALLY make the sequester hurt members of Congress we’d have the whole budget settled in a week.

(My friend Keith Odgen suggests furloughing their staff.)

The sequester continues, but Congress managed to fix the furloughs that involved air travel. Which is good news for travelers. And bad news for airlines who are losing a major excuse for delays.

 

So much yellow at Oracle Arena for the Denver Nuggets-Golden State Warriors game last night – almost as if the Oregon Duck exploded.

So Lindsey Graham is now trying to blame the Boston bombings on Obama by saying the suspects should have been under closer surveillance. Considering that the FBI Watch List has about 500,000 people on it, would Senator Graham like to discuss 1- How that’s logistically possible? 2- How are we going to pay for it?

Captain Courageous?

April 25, 2013

At a press conference today in Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter vowed to return to the field in 2013. Of course he didn’t say whether it might be to throw out a ceremonial first pitch.

Some are openly questioning how the alleged Boston bomber’s wife could be so completely in the dark about  her husband’s secret life. At least no one’s asked for a public comment from Hillary Clinton.

LeBron James, on finishing second to Marc Gasol for the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year award: “It sucks. It definitely sucks, though, finishing second. Who wants to finish second?” Well, this ought to take care of Lebron’s reputation for whining.

Shocking story about a baby in Delhi sold twice on Facebook. Many Indians can’t believe it. They figured babies were only sold on Ebay.

The  NFL Draft started Thursday. W ell, it was about time football finally got some #ESPN coverage.

Wonder how many SEC players who got drafted are due for a pay cut?

Really? Ebay is emailing all members telling us to tell Congress “No” on proposed online sales tax legislation, as it is “wrongheaded”, “unfair” and a “burden” for small businesses. Except that businesses with less than $1 mill. a year in online sales would be exempt. Guess it depends on what the definition of “small” is.

Now the media is reporting “Carnival Cruise ship evacuated.” The story, after barge explosions on the Mobile River, crew members who are living on the Carnival Triumph while it is being repaired were taken off for safety reasons. Dear Gawd. When the ship is repaired will they report on the number of people with hangovers and upset stomachs from overindulging on board?

Stockholm police apparently found illegal narcotics on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. So is this enough for the U.S. to deport him back to Canada

The alleged Boston bombers’ mother says she believes that the bombing was fake, “a show,” and that the blood was “paint.” Wow. Even U.S. Conspiracy theorists are impressed. What’s next, a talk radio gig?

Asked if her son Jeb should run for President, Barbara Bush responded “He’s by far the best qualified man, but no. We’ve had enough Bushes. It’s not just four families, or whatever” Hmm, maybe the Bush we should have elected was Barbara.

Stanford LB Alex Debniak gave an interesting and articulate pre-draft interview on local radio today. Although he did say at one point “Me and my agent…” Quick, check for academic fraud.

Guess  Manti T’eo being a first round draft pick was as much of an illusion as the Notre Dame star’s girlfriend. #NFLDraft

On the clock.

April 26, 2012

The NFL is thinking about suspending the Pro Bowl. “That’s such a shame,” said absolutely nobody.

Even though the NFL plans to suspend the Pro Bowl they intend to keep the balloting. So stars can get picked without actually really playing a game. Doesn’t sound much different than the status quo.

In one of the most anticlimactic announcements of the year, Andrew Luck was the #1 draft pick of the Indianapolis Colts. Asked today what his favorite part of college was, Luck responded “Beating Cal!” Go Cardinal.


The Ottawa Senators today became the last Canadian team eliminated from the NHL playoffs, thereby assuring that the 1992-93 Montreal Canadians remain the last Canadian team to win the Stanley Cup.

Canada in a two-decade hockey championship drought? This is like the U.S. having a two-decade drought in hot-dog eating.

Watching NFL draft and wondering how many of these guys will be taking a pay cut next year?

In Redwood City, California, the Daily News reports a 10th grader’s parents are suing the school district for kicking him out of an honors class for copying another kid’s homework They say his “due process rights were violated” because the school’s rules are “vague and contradictory.” Can’t imagine how the kid got that sense of entitlement.

Newly-acquired and highly-touted New York Yankees starter Michael Pineda is out for the year. The Yankees are reacting the same way many wealthy New York women might react to a broken Christian Louboutin heel – “Well that s*cks, but time to go shopping.”

Amongst other craziness tonight the Washington Generals, er, Wizards, beat the “Big Three”-less Heat by 34. And the Sacramento Kings beat the Kobe-less Lakers by 17. Proving again that the NBA should have offered these last games of the year at pre-season prices. Or lower.

Boy Scout officials in Ohio have removed a popular Tiger Scouts (1st graders) den mother because she is a lesbian. Parents are protesting. And really, if these idiots are that worried about abuse, wouldn’t a lesbian be the safest leader around small boys?

Not sure if the San Francisco Giants’ Aubrey Huff’s struggles on the field contributed to his going on the DL with an anxiety disorder. But on the bright side Huff has one more home run in 2012 than Aubert Pujols.

Former Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour is warning of a barrage of anti-Romney ads, saying ” Obama didn’t have to run a primary so he’s sitting on a stack of money so tall that a show dog couldn’t jump over it,” Well, especially a show dog who’s been cramped in a crate on a car roof so his legs are out of shape….

Newt Gingrich said today that his “campaign will go bye-bye.” The man is 68 years old and he says “Bye-bye?” Who does he think he is talking to, one of his soon to be ex-wives?

Bobby Valentine apparently started out with the wrong lineup for a game against the Twins, because he misread an iPhone app and thought a right-handed pitcher was a lefty. Sigh. There may not be beer in the Red Sox clubhouse, but sounds like Boston will be selling plenty in the stands.

A dispute between rival hot dog vendors in downtown Albuquerque resulted in one vendor running over another with his cart. Insert “size of weiners” joke here.

The wedding and other post-mortems.

April 30, 2011

After the Royal Wedding, many men thought Friday morning  – “What a waste of time for a televised non-event… especially when the clips will be available on line…, why would any woman have bothered to watch live? Meanwhile, what time is ESPN’s coverage of day 2 of the NFL draft?”

As they played “God save the Queen/King” wonder if William whispered to Kate “Honey, they’re playing our song,”

But on the occasion of William’s wedding the Spencer family wanted to make it clear they have no hard feelings towards Prince Charles. In fact when he entered Westminister Abbey with Camilla, Diana’s brother reportedly asked  Elton John to play a song – “The bitch is back.”

So what would have happened if this man was the presidential or vice-presidential nominee ? Just before he was born, his father sent his mother to California to give birth because, as he explained, “My father had a complex about not having been born in the United States.” The boy was raised in Mexico City, and grew up to be… New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. (source Wikipedia)

Not a good time for the Braves. First pitching coach Roger McDowell went on a homophobic rant to fans before a game in San Francisco, now pitcher Derek Lowe has been charged with drunken driving. Last time Atlanta had a week this bad, Sherman was involved.

Yellowstone park rangers issued three tickets to people walking ON Old Faithful geyser this week, after the tourists were caught on a webcam. (Old Faithful itself erupts with 204 degree water, and there is only a thin crust of earth covering boiling hot water in many places.) Wonder what percentage of the ticket revenue goes into a fund to cover the costs of Darwin awards.

Donald Trump insisted, again, that the problem with oil prices is that we don’t have a leader who will simply tell them “you are not going to raise the ‘bleeping’ price.” Strong words from someone who turned down an ownership opportunity because he didn’t even think he could fix the Mets.

MLB suspended White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen for two games because he argued balls and strikes and then complained about being ejected during the game. So I wonder, will his next tweet be a complaint about the fine?

Well,  as many would have predicted last December, the lowly Carolina Panthers got a Stanford star in the draft. It was, however, DT Sione Fua with the 97th pick.

And yes, it’s early in the season. But the Giants’ offense has been so hard to find in the last couple weeks that the teams’ batters may soon find their pictures on milk cartons.

The San Jose Sharks win 2-1 in overtime despite being out shot 46-25 by the Red Wings. If Paul the Octopus wasn’t dead, this just killed him.