Posted tagged ‘Anthony Weiner jokes’

Weiner, weiner, weiner…

July 25, 2013

If someone were to write a porn novel, wouldn’t it make sense to have a man with the last name Weiner having an online affair with a woman with the last name Leathers?

Not sure if Anthony Weiner is going to stay in the New York mayoral race..  (Insert pull out joke here.)  But, hey,  he must be raking in the donations from a bipartisan group of comedy writers.-

 

Prince Harry says that he views his role as an uncle to George to see that little Prince “has a good upbringing, and keep him out of harm’s way and to make sure he has fun.” Uh, guessing Kate will be nixing the strip billiards lessons.

Alex Rodriguez and the NY Yankees:  Anyone else guessing this marriage cannot be saved?
Sydney Leather, 22, one of the most recent sexting partners of Anthony Weiner, 48, said that Weiner broke her heart, as she really believed he loved her. “Girlfriend, you need a reality check,” said even Monica Lewinsky.

Virginia Johnson, of “Masters and Johnson” (google it, kids) has passed away at the age of 88. Let’s hope it wasn’t reading about Anthony Weiner that killed her.

Halliburton will plead guilty to destroying evidence in the Deepwater Horizon disaster. They agreed to pay the maximum fines available, 3 years probation and to cooperate with the ongoing investigation. Kind of makes you wonder what they destroyed that was worth this.

The U.S. has apparently fallen to 9th place in the world in internet speed. Which would be more embarrassing if most Americans had the time to download the article.

Okay, who’s going to be first with the Anthony Weiner/Secret Agent Man music video? “There’s a man who leads a life of Danger.
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes another chance he takes….

Bus to hell time:  You think Spanish television stations are getting an extra tutorial on not blindly accepting the names of train engineers?

More on the bus to hell from TC  “OJ Simpson is asking The Nevada Parole Board for leniency on his conviction. He claims that he’s been a model prisoner and has even reached out to other troubled football players. Simpson said he even sent a copy of “Getting Away with Murder for Dummies” to Hernandez for Christmas.”

What’s in a name?

July 24, 2013

British trivia for the day: Nice of Kate and William to name their son after his great-grandfather, George VI. Except that King George VI’s real name was Albert Frederick Arthur George. (Really.)

Stay classy Anthony Weiner, His explanation for the latest texts: “It was a terrible mistake that I unfortunately returned to during a rough time in our marriage.” So it’s his WIFE’s fault….

 

George Alexander Louis. What, they couldn’t think of a third middle name? ‪#‎RoyalBabyNames‬

A thought on the recent Weiner and Geraldo debacle. Anyone else miss the good old days when drunk or stupid dialing just embarrassed you to one other person?

It could be worse, SF Giants fans. The team could have signed Albert Pujols to a $250 million contract.

A new study found that over 200,000 children were injured by falling television sets over the last 20 years. If only those children had been armed.

 

Newest bumper sticker in New York? “Honk if you’ve seen Anthony’s Weiner?” ‪#‎Anthonyweiner‬

New Southwest‬ cocktail in New York? Just one and you may land flat on your nose.

Carlos Danger, Anthony Weiner…. didn’t those two headline a Chippendales show a decade or so ago?

 

One thing no one is talking about with the Ryan Braun case: so much for the idea you can always tell a PED user because he will be incredibly large with a big head.

 

ESPN headline “Sources: A-Rod thinks Yankees against him.” Yo, A-Rod, it’s not just the Yankees.

 

Bud Selig says now that he is proud of Major League Baseball’s drug program. It’s amazing the man doesn’t have ruptured discs from all the patting he does of his own back.

How bad is it getting for Anthony Weiner. If this keeps up Oscar Mayer is going to sue him for product defamation.

In North Carolina, it will soon become legal to bring guns into bars, and to leave them in cars on college campuses. Well, that should at least cut down on college football players in the state being arrested.

Tweets and twits.

April 28, 2013

(Belated post that should have been posted last Wednesday…. better late than never?)

 

Controversy over all the tweets Kobe Bryant sent during game 1 of the Los Angeles-San Antonio series… Apparently he missed being part of the team. No worries, with the next week of the NBA playoffs, Kobe and his Lakers teammates will all be able to sit and tweet together.


Anthony Weiner, hoping to ride the road to redemption all the way to New York’s mayoral office, said today there MIGHT be more sexts out there. “If reporters want to go try to find more, I can’t say that they’re not going to be able to find another picture or find another person…” Who does Weiner think he is, Tiger Woods?

One of those lovely moments reminding us why baseball is the best sport tonight. (And not just because the Dodgers lost). The final, at Citi Field, was NY Mets 7, LA Dodgers 3. In 10 innings. Which means baseball fans instantly KNOW what the game winning hit was.

Mike Shanahan said that from now on RGIII “never plays if he’s not 100 percent.” So does this mean Griffin is retiring after the season opener?

Capital One Financial Corp. is paying $3.5 million to settle federal civil charges of underreporting losses on auto loans in 2007. What does that mean? Credit card fees are going up.

Don’t look now, but the 2013 Houston Astros, this year’s favorite baseball punchline, now have one more win than the Chicago Cubs.

Orlando Predators QB Kyle Rowley was arrested for DUI after he was allegedly found “passed out” in an parked SUV at 5am at an Orlando apartment complex entrance. Is the the Arena Football League star’s way of telling the world he thinks he’s NFL ready?

Star guard Russ Smith is staying at Louisville aiming to become his family’s first college graduate. Apparently after talking with coach Rick Pitino about his pro prospects, Smith decided his game needed more development.” What’s that T.S. Eliot line about “the right thing for the wrong reason?

David Petraeus will become a visiting professor this fall at Macaulay honors college at the City University of New York. So after the biography mess, he decided to take a position where there’s no chance of getting involved with starry-eyed young women?

Will the George W. Bush library be the first library to open without any books?

Three people were burned when two barges loaded with natural gas on Alabama’s Mobile River apparently exploded tonight. On the brighter side, this happened near where the disabled Carnival Triumph is dry docked, so it gave CNN reporters something to do.

Back to back

June 17, 2011

Not titles,  but posts.    Apologies since apparently my attempts to hit the “publish” button last night were as successful as the Canucks’ efforts to put a puck in the goal.

But there’s a silver lining after last night’s Canucks Stanley Cup loss and the subsequent riots: Al-Qaeda probably will not be attacking Vancouver any time soon – the terrorists have decided “Those people are scary.”

 

After an opening round 65 on Thursday, Rory McIlroy, 22 is leading the U.S. Open. How young is McIlroy? Why, he can’t even remember a time when famous golfers had to call their mistresses on payphones.

 

So much for Anthony Weiner’s grand ambitions – He probably expected that he would some day walk into a room to “Hail to the Chief.” Instead it’s more likely to be “Sorry seems to be the Hardest Word.”

Now that Weiner has resigned, we have to wonder how many Congressmen have as yet undiscovered potentially embarassing pictures and texts out there. This is known in military parlance as “unexploded ordnance.”

For my non-English friends, in Britain a cellphone is known as a “Mobile.” So this means the past month will go down in history across the pond as the “Weinermobile” scandal.

Once Anthony Wener resigns, as a private citizen he can sext and send pictures to anyone he wants without media attention. Of course, as a private citizen, he will find a lot few women interested in answering his tweets.

A particularly offensive campaign ad in Southern California shows Congressional candidate Janice Hahn as a stripper hanging out with gangsters. The ad has received bipartisan condemnation, although Hahn herself has reputedly now received some texts from Anthony Weiner.

An editorial in the Manchester Union-Leader, which sponsored the first GOP debate, has gone after Mitt Romney for acting “high-falutin” and “haughty.” Responded Romney, if they’re going to criticize me, the correct word is “supercilious.”

 

The Texas Rangers accused the New York Yankees of stealing signs. The Yankees responded they don’t steal anything. They buy the signs fair and square.  (Or as my friend Karen says “they fell off a truck, I know a guy.”

Former NY Giants wide receiver David Tyree said gay marriage is the first step towards “anarchy,” partly because two men or two women together cannot raise a child. So if he feels that way, why have we heard nothing from Tyree about other players like Ray Lewis, Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry, who all have more than a half dozen kids by various women.

And finally, here’s the question of the day. Father’s Day is Sunday. How many cards will Arnold Schwarenegger get?

Not standing the Heat.

June 8, 2011

Rooting for a Mark Cuban owned team from Texas? It’s a tough job, but the Heat have made sure that a lot of somebodies have to do it.

More pictures of junk tweeted around Tuesday night.    Not Anthony Weiner again, thank gawd.  Just videos of  Lebron James’s play in Game 4. 

Meanwhile, what are the chances of Anthony Weiner ending up on SNL? I smell a potential remake of “D*** in a Box.”

As far as politics, however,  what can Anthony Weiner possibly do next? Except say “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” And then run for President.

Okay, now I feel old. The Detroit Tigers selected, in the 26th round, Colin Kaline. Not Al’s son. His GRANDSON.

Nationals prospect Bryce Harper, 18, blew a kiss to the opposing pitcher in Single A after hitting a home run. If Harper had done that to Nolan Ryan, we’d be discussing plans for his funeral.

Is anyone remotely surprised? Terrelle Pryor, already suspended five games over memorabilia sales before the car allegations came out, has announced he will not return to Ohio State and will enter the supplemental draft. Only thing, even if the lockout ends, sounds like to join the NFL Pryor may have to take a pay cut.

But let’s see, Pryor made his money, got loaner cars, freebies all around town, and apparently the stories are now that he made up to $1000 a session for signing memorabilia.  Oh yeah, and he played in three major BCS bowls.   As to his suspension, he’s leaving OSU before he serves a minute of it. 

Yeah, for others thinking of breaking the rules, let this serve as a warning

At a state dinner Tuesday night, German Chancellor Angela Merkel received receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama. But fortunately no neckrub.

From my friend Alex Kaseberg: Libyan President Moammar Khadafy vows that he will not leave his palace. That’s a smart move. Just announce to Seal Team 6 that you’re waiting at home.

 

Weiner, weiner, weiner…

June 7, 2011

Sarah Palin says Paul Revere warned the British, Anthony Weiner thinks he can get away with a Twitter hacking story when it’s his “junk.” Somewhere in outer space aliens are reporting “Sorry leader, there’s no intelligent life on that Earth planet.”

 –

Well, there are at least 25 men in New York who are happy today. Because the most embarrassing story in the state is no longer the Mets.

Quote today from Anthony Weiner “This was a dumb thing to do.” Might have been the closest thing to a smart statement he’s made lately. (Although, “dumb thing?” Singular? Really?)

Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement? I think most Americans would wholeheartedly agree that it’s a very good thing that camera phones and twitter were not around when Bill Clinton was in the White House.

Mark Jackson, the new Golden State Warriors coach, has no previous head coaching experience, but is an ordained minister at a church in Southern California. Makes sense, to coach the Warriors, plenty of prayer will definitely be required.

Open note to all aspiring politicians: Love and lust may fade – but emails and pictures are forever.

Mitt Romney said tonight on CNN’s “Piers Morgan Tonight” that having Sarah Palin showing up on the same day as he did in New Hampshire “really didn’t ruin my day.  In a lot of respects it’s the best thing that could happen to me.”

Standby for Mitt’s newest campaign button:  “Mormon > moron”

This one is tacky. USC was stripped of their 2004 national football title today. So can we say that like John Edwards, this was a Trojan epic fail?

Plaxico Burress was released from jail Monday. His agent, Drew Rosenhaus, said, “I think he’s learned an awful lot.” For starters, always have someone in your posse carry your gun.

Apparently Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez are no longer dating. Actually, it’s amazing that Cameron lasted in the love triangle as long as she did….it’s got to be hard to compete with that special relationship between A-Rod and his mirror.

Andy Petitte was asked in an ESPN interview if he will pitch again for the Yankees, and responded that he didn’t think so: 

“The only thing that would make me pitch again is if I felt this season was over and I felt that I needed to pray and really consider making a decision about changing what I’m doing right now. If I missed it so much and I felt in my heart like that was the thing I need to do, I would try to start thinking about it and start considering it again.”

“Dude, how about a simple yes or no,” commented Brett Favre.