Posted tagged ‘steroid jokes’

Silver-tongued lining?

August 9, 2013

At least all the A-Rod stories are knocking Anthony Weiner off the front page….

A-Rod has apparently hired the same private-detectives Dominique Strauss-Kahn used when he was accused of rape in 2011. Wonder what the firm’s name is “Sleazebags-R-Us?

Meanwhile, while we debate A-Rod and his pals, have to wonder, so how many other PED users are playing tonight? But who were smart enough not to use a sloppy outfit like Biogenesis?

A pick-six on the fourth play of the first game of the preseason…. Good to know that the the NY Jets’ Mark Sanchez is already in midseason form.

“Back to school” shopping in July fell short of retailers expectations. But to be fair, have to wonder how many shoppers were waiting for the Christmas sales starting after Labor Day.

A California man has turned a $2,000 Brooklyn dumpster into a apartment – complete with a bathroom, bed, kitchen and sun deck. And he still probably doesn’t have the smallest apartment in New York.

Evan Longoria, unhappy that A-Rod can play and affect the pennant race: “I don’t think it’s fair that we can’t have an arbitrator hear the case sooner.  If you get in a bench clearing brawl and a guy punches another guy and is ejected from the game and gets a 10-game suspension, you appeal that and it’s heard in the next 3 weeks. You either get 10 games or 6 games or whatever. I don’t understand why that process can’t happen for this.”

Jack Clark is now alleging that Albert Pujols has done steroids, and hinted the same for Justin Verlander. Who does Clark think he is, Jose Canseco?

From T.C.   The Bills’ offensive coordinator says they are going to keep giving running back C.J. Spiller the ball until he throws up.   Are they aiming to be the “Barfallo Bills?”

Remember all those supposedly useless “X gets Y mph, X is going Z miles. How much gas does X need?” math problems? A Virgin America flight had to stop to refuel in San Jose on its way to San Francisco tonight. The flight distance between the two airports is about 30 miles. (Shouldn’t passengers at least get a refund on their fuel surcharge?)

Four Vanderbilt football players, who were dismissed from the team over an alleged sexual assault this June, have each been charged with five counts of aggravated rape and two counts of aggravated sexual battery. Wonder what the young mens’ defense will be? That they were trying to prove Vanderbilt belongs in the SEC?

Lance Armstrong’s attorneys are arguing in a class-action lawsuit that Armstrong had the right to lie about his career in his autobiographies. If the defense works, A-Rod wants names – of the lawyers and Lance’s ghostwriter.

Switzerland has apologized to Oprah after a saleswoman at a fancy Zurich boutique refused to show her a $38,000black handbag, saying she “will not be able to afford” it. I hate racism as much as anyone, but some of those salespeople are equally snotty to non-rich looking white people. Cue the Julia Roberts “big mistake” scene in “Pretty Woman…”

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Weiner, weiner, weiner…

July 25, 2013

If someone were to write a porn novel, wouldn’t it make sense to have a man with the last name Weiner having an online affair with a woman with the last name Leathers?

Not sure if Anthony Weiner is going to stay in the New York mayoral race..  (Insert pull out joke here.)  But, hey,  he must be raking in the donations from a bipartisan group of comedy writers.-

 

Prince Harry says that he views his role as an uncle to George to see that little Prince “has a good upbringing, and keep him out of harm’s way and to make sure he has fun.” Uh, guessing Kate will be nixing the strip billiards lessons.

Alex Rodriguez and the NY Yankees:  Anyone else guessing this marriage cannot be saved?
Sydney Leather, 22, one of the most recent sexting partners of Anthony Weiner, 48, said that Weiner broke her heart, as she really believed he loved her. “Girlfriend, you need a reality check,” said even Monica Lewinsky.

Virginia Johnson, of “Masters and Johnson” (google it, kids) has passed away at the age of 88. Let’s hope it wasn’t reading about Anthony Weiner that killed her.

Halliburton will plead guilty to destroying evidence in the Deepwater Horizon disaster. They agreed to pay the maximum fines available, 3 years probation and to cooperate with the ongoing investigation. Kind of makes you wonder what they destroyed that was worth this.

The U.S. has apparently fallen to 9th place in the world in internet speed. Which would be more embarrassing if most Americans had the time to download the article.

Okay, who’s going to be first with the Anthony Weiner/Secret Agent Man music video? “There’s a man who leads a life of Danger.
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes another chance he takes….

Bus to hell time:  You think Spanish television stations are getting an extra tutorial on not blindly accepting the names of train engineers?

More on the bus to hell from TC  “OJ Simpson is asking The Nevada Parole Board for leniency on his conviction. He claims that he’s been a model prisoner and has even reached out to other troubled football players. Simpson said he even sent a copy of “Getting Away with Murder for Dummies” to Hernandez for Christmas.”

And the winner is….

June 5, 2013

The big Powerball winner turns out to be an 84 year old Florida woman. Lottery secretary Cynthia O’Connell said she took the smaller one-time amount and turned down the 30-year payout. Ya think?

 

 

The 84 year old woman who won the $590 million Powerball said she’s thankful to the person who let her cut in front of them in line to buy a Quick Pick ticket. Chivalry may not have been dead but this just killed it.

 

 

One more thought about the winner of the Powerball lottery. She waited two weeks to come forward. Two weeks at the age of 84? That’s a significant fraction of your life as a multimillionaire.

 

“The use of steroids and amphetamines amongst today’s players has greatly subsided and is virtually nonexistent… The so-called steroid era is clearly a thing of the past.” Bud Selig, January, 2010. Uh, not exactly.

Apparently Biogenesis founder Tony Bosch asked A-Rod for financial help this Spring to fight an MLB lawsuit and was turned down. Proving probably once again, if you’re a public figure always pay off your mistresses, posse and pushers.

 

Not a great PR week for baseball. Now drug agents are apparently investigating a narcotics delivery to the home of Cleveland Indians closer Chris Perez. If true, how stupid. Aren’t you supposed to have your posse take delivery of your drugs?

 

Turns out the drug allegedly mailed to the suburban home of Cleveland closer Chris Perez was marijuana. Really? If so Perez couldn’t have just waited until the Indians’ road trip this month to Seattle?

Some cruise lines have cancelled river cruises due to high water on the Danube. And at Carnival Cruise Lines they’re thinking “Bummer for them, but at least this time it’s not us.”

You’d think Gordon Gee, 69, who is stepping down in July as Pres. of Ohio State after snide remarks about Notre Dame and the SEC, would have learned to keep his mouth shut. You would think wrong. At a press conference to explain his decision, Gee added “I’ve only got a month to ruin the university. I’ve got to get at it.”

JaMarcus Russell may be getting a tryout with the Chicago Bears. If anyone could make Bears fans long for the halcyon days of Rex Grossman….

 

Former Sen. John Edwards apparently is going to open a new law firm and specialize in personal injury. Well, if anyone’s now an expert at injuring yourself…

 

I’m sure the young man will have a great career. But the Los Angeles Dodgers are no longer undefeated in the #YasielPuig era.

A home run king took steroids? I’m shocked, shocked…

January 12, 2010

Breaking news: Mark McGwire admitted in a apologetic statement today that he had indeed used steroids. “I’m really shocked” said absolutely nobody.

Mark McGwire confessed to steroid use today, then immediately started qualifying his apology. Yo, Mark, you had us at “I’m Sorry.”


McGwire stated the steroid use was for injuries, but it did not help him hit home runs. I think I like “didnt inhale” better.


When will they ever learn? Seriously, had McGwire just made a simple apology and been done with it, he would have come out sounding a lot better. Even Governor Sanford was heard to comment, “Mark, less is more.”


Not saying that Conan O’Brien is bitter, but allegedly one of his shows later this week will be subtitled “Clinging to guns and religion.”


Simon Cowell has announced he will be leaving American Idol after this season. Apparently he wants to spend more time with his mirror.


Regarding the Conan-Leno drama, some think Conan should jump to Fox. But Fox just signed Sarah Palin. Who might be a good choice for a late night talk show herself. Half the audience would consider it news, and the other half would consider one of the funniest things on television.


If Conan decides to quit NBC and get out of the late night business altogether, he would receive an $80 million payout, but he’d have to give up on having a regular television audience to watch him tell jokes. So basically he’d be in the same position Leno is in now.


On “The Bachelor” tonight, a contestant named Rozlyn was sent home for having a physical relationship with a producer on the show. Let’s see, you’re living in a house where cameras are running nonstop, and you’re competing with 20 something other women to win a guy, and you think you are going to get away with a “secret affair” while this is going on? Not only is she off “Bachelor”, but Rozlyn has also just proved herself ineligible for “Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?”

Testing, one, two, three, 104, testing…

August 1, 2009

In this summer forty years after the Apollo 11 moon landing, names keep oozing out from those 2003 steroid tests. And with all this focus on the past, I have a question. If Americans could put men on the moon, do people seriously think we don’t have the ingenuity to have come up with a currently undetectable Performance Enhancing drug?

For all those who want to rework the record books, we may need a little color coding on our asterisks.

As in one category for “steroid using hitter against steroid using pitcher.”

Another for “steroid using hitter against clean pitcher.”

And “clean hitter against steroid using pitcher.”

And of course, “clean against clean.”

And while we are at it, as mentioned earlier. How about green asterisks for amphetamines, white asterisks for players from the segregated era, black for pine tar, beige for cork….

Tacky joke alert.

In the NBC – National Baseball Congress – tournament, the summer college world series, the Alaska Goldpanners are playing the Liberal Bee Jays. Not named for a bird. Just the letters. Wonder if Sarah Palin and Bill Clinton will both show up to throw out the first pitch.


And Minnesota Vikings quarterback Tavaris Jackson was injured in a pre-season scrimmage. If it’s serious, wonder where the Vikings could pick up someone at the last minute who has shown any interest in playing in Minnesota?

They’ve got a not-so-little list…

July 30, 2009

So the latest names on the 2003 Steroid list are David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez. Does this mean we will should start referring to the 2004 World Champions as the PED Sox?


Just a few months ago, Ortiz spoke out about steroid users and said they should be banned. He may have jeopardized his baseball reputation, but with that level of hypocrisy he’s well on his way to Congress.


Let’s hope one of the other Boston names on the list doesn’t end up being Tim Wakefield. That would mean his real pitch speed might be in the 40s.


Now that Pittsburgh has once again traded two of their best players, Jack Wilson and Freddie Sanchez, wonder if fans will start referring to them as the Pittsburgh Pirated?

Brett Favre took his family out to dinner last night after he announced his latest retirement decision. Apparently he’s almost decided on his entree.


The government’s “Cash for Clunkers” program is apparently getting just a little too popular. Today for instance in Washington, management tried to sell the Nationals.

No turning blind eyes here…

February 20, 2009

Commissioner Bud Selig said earlier this week that he didn’t want to hear anyone say he turned a “blind eye” to baseball’s steroid problem. So I guess we’ve got the “hear no evil” part down too…


Further regarding the steroid issue, Selig said he doesn’t understand how people can ask him “how did you not know?” And then he added that he also doesn’t understand how so many people can think that nice young man Michael Phelps has tried marijuana.

Bill Clinton said in an interview that Obama should be more “hopeful” and “optimistic” And the former president pointed out how his own optimism had paid off: As bad as it looked last summer, Hillary now has a job she is happy with, and she’s usually out of the country.


Barack Obama got great press coverage from his first foreign trip as president, to Canada. But the Republicans had Sarah Palin watching from her house.


John McCain’s daughter, Meghan, spoke out today about the Republican party’s need to get modernize their use of techology. And in that spirit her father went out and replaced his typewriter with an electric model.

American Idol started the voting part of their show this week, reducing twelve contestants down to three. No, wait, that was the Obama team vetting potential cabinet members on taxes.


This is basically a rewrite of a joke idea from Nick Coombs:

The Washington Nationals paid a $1.4 million signing bonus to Dominican prospect Esmailyn Gonzalez in 2006.

Now it turns out Gonzalez is four years older than he claimed, AND uses a assumed name. Guess we finally learned the answer to the question “Whatever happened to Danny Almonte?


And major league baseball’s spring training is finally in full gear for 2009. You know what that means… only a few more weeks until stores in Chicago can start selling “Wait until 2010” Cubs t-shirts.