Posted tagged ‘Favre jokes’

Fired up?

November 9, 2013

Pat Knight says he hopes his father Bob, who still holds a grudge against Indiana University for firing him, will eventually return for a basketball game. Maybe the Hoosiers could someday invite Bob to throw out the first chair?

With tentative calming in the Middle East, prices at the pump are tumbling. Americans haven’t seen the cost of gas fall this fast since Taco Bell introduced 49 cent tacos.



Green Bay Packers chairman Ted Thompson says that the situation with Brett Favre was “just one of those car wrecks.”. Uh, sir, the situation with Brett Favre was a punchline, the situation in the Dolphins locker room is a car wreck.


from Jim Barach:  “Miami Dolphins lineman Richie Incognito was accused of harassing a woman at a golf tournament in 2012. To which Dolphins front office executives are saying she should have just punched him out.”


Cal lost to USC 62-28.  This is getting bad enough that poor Bear alums are going to end up honorary Cubs fans.


Stanford had the ball for almost 45 minutes against Oregon. But time of possession isn’t quite everything. In an ACC game today the times were 28:58 and 31:02 respectively. The team that didn’t quite have the ball for half the game? Florida State. The Seminoles beat Wake Forest 59 to 3.

Ted Cruz on the Tonight Show. “I’m a big believer in health care reform I think we ought to reform health care so it’s personal, it’s portable, it’s affordable. We ought to empower patients rather than government bureaucrats getting between you and your doctor.” Nice words, where was Cruz when the GOP controlled government and COULD have put in their own reform? (Oh, that’s right, on his wife’s Goldman Sachs plan. Never mind.)

Eastern Michigan fired their football coach apparently for “inappropriate language.”. Wonder if part of the inappropriate language was “one and eight.”

A man was arrested at LAX last night, after he took a handgun from his luggage Friday night in baggage claim at Terminal 3, the site of last week’s shooting. The gun was unloaded, and was legal as he had declared it upon check-in. He was charged with brandishing a weapon in public area, and presumably terminal stupidity.

At Seattle-Tacoma Airport, a man ran through a TSA checkpoint, then a door onto the tarmac. He then raced up a stairway and punched through a door window at the end of a jetway to get onto an American Airlines plane. He was arrested without further incident on the plane. Guess airline security fees are going up.

(Jon Nedry wonders “Did he check his bag or carry on? In addition to criminal charges, there may also be checked bag charges.”)

In Fairfax County, Virginia, election officials have acknowledged they somehow haven’t counted 3,000 or so absentee ballots. The registrar is looking into it. Maybe they ended up in Chicago?


How can we miss you if you won’t go away?

January 3, 2011

 Wonder now that it looks like Brett Favre might actually finally be retiring if anyone will make a movie about his NFL career. They would need to choose a title though, as “The Long Goodbye” is already taken.

So the Seattle Seahawks make the playoffs with a 7-9 record. But maybe we shouldn’t be surprised, at USC Pete Carroll had a long history of making it to the post-season with relatively mediocre paid talent.

The NFL actually was hoping the St. Louis Rams would win today and save the league the embarassment of having such a lousy team in the postseason.  If this sort of thing keeps up people will start comparing them to the BCS.

Even scarier to 49ers fans…. as lousy as the team looked, they were only one win away from the playoffs. 

Regarding Ohio State’s president complaining about other schools playing “the little sisters of the poor.”. Did it occur to him the Big Ten might BE the “little sisters of the poor.?”

Or as Gary Morton sent in, maybe they can call the new divisions, “Little Sisters” and “Poor.”

Actually, this just in “the little sisters of the poor” are favored in their Big Ten opener next year.

 Joe Paterno, 84, says he intends to keep recruiting at Penn State, which means he will be talking to high school students who will be seniors when he turns 90. Joe has, however, adapted with the times. While he’s not big on the internet he no longer sends out scholarships by Pony Express.

Oklahoma’s 48-20 victory over Connecticut  in the Fiesta on Saturday drew only a 6.7 percent ranking (of all homes with televisions tuned into the game.)  This was lower even than some regular college games.   Since it was January 1, wonder how many of those televisions were from viewers who fell asleep in their living rooms after a late night and then the Rose Bowl?

A week after a blizzard struck New York City, the snow is melting and the trash piles are growing. New Yorkers say they haven’t seen so much useless garbage in one place since last year’s Mets opening day.

Various junk….

December 30, 2010

San Francisco 49ers’ owner Jed York said he would spare no expense and search nationwide for a new general manager for the team.  But it appears he will simply promote vice president of player personnel Trent Baalke from down the hall.

Sounds like he spent about as much time searching as O.J. did for the real killer.

Regarding that $50,000 fine for Brett Favre. The man makes $16 million a year. Which means for the average American, he’s paying about the equivalent of a speeding ticket.

But really, $50,000 total for inappropriate texts?   This just in, Tiger Woods has dubbed Favre “The Luckiest Man in the World.”

But okay, you think you have a rough job.  How’d you like to be the forensic analyst who the NFL hired to decide if “beyond a reasonable doubt” those really were pictures of Brett Favre’s junk?

The Associated Press, says that a “person with knowledge” told them that federal authorities are investigating if Senate Republican candidate Christine O’Donnell used campaign money for her own personal expenses.

The AP hopes to do a followup interview, as soon as they find out on what lilypad their informant now lives.

While I understand the President’s intent in congratulating the Eagles for taking a chance on ex-felon Michael Vick, I have to wonder, would Obama have made the same call had Vick had a season like say, Alex Smith.

Andnow, ladies and gentlemen, doing their job to fill in admirably since there are no live late-night joke monologues this week, I give you the NCAA spokesman, this time on the Auburn-Ohio State controversies:

“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another.”

A man in South Carolina was hit by an SUV while playing a real life game of “Frogger.”

(yes, that old arcade game where you try to jump a frog through lanes of fast moving traffic, only he was playing the frog role.)

The only thing keeping this guy from a guaranteed Darwin award is the fact that the hospital says he will probably live.”

The Post Office has announced that all new first class stamps will be “Forever” stamps. Is that referring to how long the stamps will last or how long it will take your letters to get there?

From Gary Morten: This just in, Terrelle Pryor has just signed an endorsement deal with QVC.

I guess that’s why they call it the “poos?”

December 29, 2010

 Elton John, 63, and his husband David Furnish have become parents to a baby boy. Well, give old Elton some credit. At his age at least he’s having a child instead of marrying one.

Although wait a few years until Elton and David are trying to teach their son to be polite and never use coarse language in public.   Can’t wait to see the look on little Zachary’s face when he figures out that dad not only said the word,  but wrote a song with the title “The Bitch is Back.”

The Golden State Warriors are sending Palo Alto High and Harvard grad Jeremy Lin to the D (Developmental) League, so he can get some playing time against lesser competition and learn how to be a serious NBA level player. Fans in Sacramento are wondering if the same thing can be done with the entire Kings’ team.

Scary to think where the Minnesota Vikings might be this season if Brett Favre had decided to stay home and work on his photography skills.

And for those keeping a list,  maybe we can now add Joe Webb to the long column of names of unheralded quarterbacks who are more effective than former #1 pick Alex Smith.

(or for that matter, Jamarcus Russell.)

Sue Paterno, the wife of Penn State coach Joe Paterno, 84 said the rumors her husband will resign are “lies,” and his health is fine. Unless, she reportedly added, he decides to emulate Hefner with a 24 year old. Then Joe will be dead.

It’s been about 2 1/2 years since the AP and others filed “freedom of information” requests for emails from Sarah Palin’s time in office. But the Alaska Governor’s office says they need more time to prepare them, and has asked for a (15th) delay, until May, 2011. Guess Alaska couldn’t afford an automated “spellcheck” program.

Madame Tussaud’s in London has announced plans for a Kate Middleton wax figure, which will be placed next to her fiance, Prince William, and future brother-in-law Prince Harry.

They are also considering a figure of American superhorse Zenyetta, which would be placed next to Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Spokesman Kevin Lennon defended the NCAA’s decision to suspend five OSU players for selling memorabilia and getting free tattoos, but also allowing those five to play in the Sugar Bowl: “The notion that the NCAA is selective with its rules enforcement is a tired myth rooted in bias and personal perception.” I think I liked “I did not have sex with that woman” better.

Weekend postmortem.

October 18, 2010

A thought regarding this Brett Favre alleged “sexting” controversy: it’s a good thing that camera cell phones weren’t around when Joe Namath was with the Jets. 

And to anyone who says “Character matters” to fans in the NFL, I  give you Ben Roethlisberger, loudly cheered in his return from his four game suspension. Wonder how many of those happy fans have college-age daughters.

Owner Jerry Jones said that despite the Dallas Cowboys’ 1-4 start there won’t be any midseason firings.  Executions, maybe.

Meanwhile, the previously  0-4 Carolina Panthers had their best week of the season. It was a bye-week.

Giants baseball may be torture. Raiders-49ers football is just plain ugly.

Anyone want a reason to root for the Giants and Rangers to make it to the World Series?  Here’s one:  Because Fox really really wants a Yankees-Phillies matchup.

And reason number 2.  – the Giants’ and Rangers’ payrolls together barely equal the Phillies (less if you don’t count Zito, who isn’t on the playoff roster.)  And adding them together is still $50 million less than the Yankees.

Cablevision subscribers in New York and Philadelphiat missed both Giants-Phillies baseball games, and the New York Giants football game due to a dispute between the cable company and News Corp (parent of Fox), that resulted in Fox channels being off the air for two days. 

Bummer, but if this is going to keep happening, many New York Cablevision customers are saying, “Can’t the next off-air disruption happen election night?”

“Undercover Boss” tonight featured an airline CEO going undercover and even cleaning bathrooms. The premise is just a bit unbelievable…. airlines clean their bathrooms?

In their Nevada Senate debate last week, Sharron Angle told Harry Reid to “man-up.” Now, I’m not a huge Reid fan, but can you imagine the reaction had he told Angle to “act like a lady?”  (Or even if he told her to “man-up?”)

Meghan McCain said on ABC’s this week that Christine O’Donnell’s success scares her, because O’Donnell is “seen as a nutjob,” and “she is making a mockery of running for public office, with no real history, no real success in any kind of business.” Years from now we may decide the wrong McCain ran for president.

Meghan also mentioned that O’Donnell had “no real success” in business.   Which brings to mind Carly Fiorina, whose resume is mixed, but at her last two jobs, HP CEO, and economic advisor to John McCain’s campaign, she was fired…

from Bill Littlejohn:  “Reggie Jackson reportedly has an I.Q. of 160.When informed of this, Reggie said, ‘I’m the straw that stirs the think'”

Maybe he wasn’t ready for some football?

September 20, 2010

Four turnovers for Brett Favre today in Minnesota. At this rate he’ll be the first player in in the NFL to have his age be a higher number than his quarterback rating.

The Vikings, however, have a plan for next weekend. Any defensive linemen or linebackers who get close to Favre will be charged with elder abuse.

Meanwhile, the Dallas Cowboys are 0-2. “That’s really a shame” said absolutely no one outside the state of Texas.

And better or worse news, depending on whether or not you live in Texas – Isn’t letting Jay Cutler throw three touchdowns with no interceptions kind of the NFL equivalent of being a major college program beaten by a FCS (Division 1-AA) team?

One consolation for Redskins fans after their overtime loss to the Texans Sunday. Based on watching Oakland’s first two games, keeping Jason Campbell would have meant Washington would have lost before the game ever got close to overtime.

Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio suffered a mlld heart attack in the morning only hours after his gutsy fake field goal call led to a Spartans win over the Fighting Irish. Notre Dame sent flowers, well-wishes and a suggestion that next year that Dantonio not stress himself and turn play-callling over to his staff. .

One of those warm and fuzzy statistics…. the Florida Gators’ 31 points against Tennessee on Saturday exactly matched the total of players arrested since Urban Meyer began coaching the team in 2005. (The latest, Chris Rainey, who sent his girlfriend a “Time to Die” text. He is temporarily suspended, but maybe not for the Alabama game.)

Fox is starting their commercials for the Major League Baseball postseason. Fans who have only been watching the Fox game of the week will be shocked to find out there will be no Yankees-Red Sox matchups.

Not that I ever feel that sorry for a major network. But week 2 of the NFL season, all kinds of fascinating story lines along with baseball pennant races, and ESPN had to hold Sportscenter until after the meaningless Tigers-White Sox game. Which ended at 1224a Eastern Time after 11 innings.

During the past eight games, the SF Giants have had six games where they scored a total of seven runs, and two games where they scored a total of 19 runs. So far. Can a batting lineup officially be diagnosed as schizophrenic?

Lisa Murkowski says running as a write-in candidate after losing in the Republican primary is justified because she was the victim of a “smear” campaign. So when did Alaska become the nation’s number one whine producing state?

Jon Stewart has announced a “March to Restore Sanity” in Washington, D.C. Some say he is a dream, but hey, it might be easier than restoring a winning record to the Redskins.

Colin Powell says he’s hired illegal immigrants at his home, adding that he thinks they do thing like repairs at most people’s homes. Well, at least he’s honest about it. Mitt Romney fired his gardening crew when it was revealed many of them were illegals, but the same thing turned out to be true with a replacement crew.

And for what it’s worth, anyone who is REALLY concerned about illegal workers can of course look for bonded cleaning services , union contractors and licensed babysitters. Not to mention get all their produce from boutique farmers, etc. And probably eat at home, because you never know who’s washing your dishes.

Edinburgh quippery?

August 30, 2010

No, that’s not a sport in a Harry Potter book, but a joke contest in Scotland. Here, for a little cross-Atlantic humor, are the winners….. Some of them prove that laughter is universal, some of them prove that we have absolutely nothing in common with Scotland and England except a language.

The winner, from Tim Vine ”I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.” And the rest of the top eight, with attribution.

2. David Gibson (as Ray Green): “I’m currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.”
3. Emo Philips: “I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.”
4. Jack Whitehall: “I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’ – I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
5. Gary Delaney: “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
6. John Bishop: “Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.”
7. Bo Burnham: “What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.”
8. Gary Delaney: “Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.”

And back on this side of the Atlantic..

Brett Favre threw two interceptions during the Vikings-Seahawks preseason game. So much for all those who said missing training camp would mean it would take Favre a long time to get into midseason form.

President Obama went to New Orleans to honor the fifth anniversary of Katrina. A FEMA spokesman said “Seems like only yesterday.”

So far the USA basketball team looks great at the FIBA World Basketball Championships. On the other hand, they’ve played Croatia and Slovenia. Thats the NBA equivalent of beating up on the Clippers.

Despite a scandal involving prostitutes (and diapers), Louisiana Senator David Vitter easily won the GOP primary in his race to be re-elected. Maybe voters were just glad the prostitutes were female.

Actually, from my point of view I suppose what a man or woman does in his or her private life is their own business, but Vitter should at least have second thoughts for voting against money for a stimulus.

(No word on how much the prostitutes were paid for stimulating HIS package.)

Glenn Beck said of his controversial rally, that he wanted to take the politics out of civil rights. A fair goal…. but when you think of speakers that rise about politics, well, is there anyone but Beck who thinks of Sarah Palin?

Knowing when to quit?

August 24, 2010

The judge in the Roger Clemens case has issued a gag order. Shame for the Rocket that someone didn’t issue one to him before he voluntarily testified.

The Basketball World Championships begin this Sunday in Istanbul, officially known as the FIBA (Fédération Internationale de Basketball Amateur) championships.

Basketball Amateur? Sounds like a Wizards-Clippers game.

Partial tweet from former Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner:

“OK, y’all… I am watching game… I am not coming back…sorry guys, u know def of ‘retire’?”

Partial alleged response: “Actually, no. Yr friend, Brett.”

Tyler Thomas, 19, a now former Oregon State University offensive lineman, has been dismissed from the team after police say they found him naked in a stranger’s home and had to use stun guns to take him into custody.

Apparently after a call, the police showed up, ordered him to surrender and Thomas then dropped into a football formation and charged the officers.

The young man has been charged with criminal trespass, criminal mischief and resisting arrest. A police spokesman also says “he was absolutely intoxicated. Really? What was their first clue?

A team of students from Canadian universities are teaming up with several Canadian companies to make an electric vehicle out of hemp (cannabis). The cars will hold up to three passengers, reach 55 miles an hour and go for up to 100 miles without having to be recharged. The only problem, they keep stopping at 7-11s and doughnut shops.

Christina Applegate says she is going to be the worlds first hippie type A mom. Is she kidding? Has she never been around any “hippie type” mom faced with the option of feeding her baby non-organic food?

For SF Giants fans – okay, Barry Zito, Aaron Rowand and Edgar Renteria may have been disasterous signings. But on the brighter side….Brian Sabean didn’t offer a contract to Manny Ramirez.

Sammy Sosa is upset that the Cubs haven’t retired his number. Disillusioned Cubs fans are telling Sammy to “put a cork in it.”

from Marc Ragovin on the same subject: Sammy Sosa has accused the Cubs of disrespecting him by assigning his #21 to a current player. “Well someone has a swelled head.

Another comment from Gary Morton on T.O. – about his open letter to Cincinnati fans: “Terrell Owens says he has matured. Had he not written it in crayon, he might be more believable.

Decisions, decisions, decisions..

August 18, 2010

The Brett Favre saga continues. Apparently the Vikings let three active players leave practice to fly down to Mississippi to try to convince the 40 year quarterback to return.

Note to Minnesota, if you have to beg, he’s just not that into you.

On the other hand, ESPN remains in love with the story. Sportscenter is turning into “Decision; the Miniseries.”

But back to basketball, now Carmelo Anthony is wondering whether he should opt out of his contract with the Denver Nuggets, or sign his extension, or just demand a trade. Because he feels he should be able to go play with his friends too, and win a championship ring.

So when did the NBA become the “Narcissists Basketball Association?”

Apparently this year the Cleveland Cavaliers will have new uniforms, with altered colors and bolder lettering on the front. Wonder if that lettering will include the phrase “Lebron sucks?”

As the San Francisco Giants go through another rough patch in their season while they are fighting for a playoff spot, it does remind us that there are advantages to being a Cubs fan. None of this late-August/September stress.

Cher is working on a new album, but the 64-year-old diva says that fans “shouldn’t expect the same dance music” heard on her 1998 album, “Believe.”

Dance music? How about walker music?

Yet another example of why winning isn’t everything. Daughtry, who finished fourth on season five of American Idol, is appearing on the “NBC Today Show Concert Series” Friday. Meanwhile, Taylor Hicks, that season’s winner, is appearing this weekend at the Rrazz Room in the San Francisco Nikko Hotel, capacity 186 people.

After being criticized for her repeated use of the “N word,” Dr. Laura Schlessinger said she is giving up her radio show because she wants to “regain her free speech” rights, and “move onto other venues where I could say my piece and not have to live in fear anymore.” Hmm, wonder what position she will have at Fox News?

Quote of the day on Newt Gringrch “He is a political opportunist;, what Newt is doing is he’s trying to get out and be more flamboyant and more charismatic, if you will, and more controversial than Sarah Palin” And the quote is from that flaming liberal Pat Buchanan.

Absolutely agree that President Obama can be too nuanced. But as to him saying that there is a right to do something without commenting on the wisdom of doing it, well that’s a concept most parents of college students who are legally adults are very familar with….

Ironic actually, that our first mixed-race president seems to have so many problems with nuanced statements. Because so many Americans just seem to want answers in black and white.


August 4, 2010

Airlines are already starting to gather “Secure Flight” data, and as of November 1, you won’t be able to get on a plane without divulging your date of birth, full legal name, and gender. I see a lawsuit coming in San F-Francisco. The gender box only has two choices.

Lady Gaga says that she thinks having sex saps creativity. Well, that certainly would explain all those incredibly intricate and imaginative new video games.

(It also explains some of the amazing things at Comic-Con.)

Morrie R. Yohai, the inventor of Cheez Doodles snack, has died at the age of 90. In his honor, all the pallbearers will dye their fingers orange.

Rough night for ESPN. Brett Favre retired again, A-Rod is still stuck on 599, and Lebron James wrote an open letter of thanks to fans in Akron but not Cleveland. The network had so much to cover they barely had time to read the scores.

Brett Favre will apparently announce later today that he is retiring again. Yeah, well and Larry King has said “forsaking all others” a few times too.

Brad Childress is dismissing reports of Brett Favre’s latest retirement, saying he has to hear it “from the horse’s mouth.” Considering all the time sports fans and reporters have spent waiting around on Favre, I’m not sure the mouth is the first part of the horse they associate with him.

Super Bowl-winning quarterback Kurt Warner will apparently be the next former athlete to compete on “Dancing with the Stars. As opposed to Brett Favre who may appear on a show with Lebron James, titled “Dancing with the Decision.”

Okay, the betting question of the night. Which will last longer? Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety? Or Brett Favre’s retirement?

Lebron James took out a full page ad thanking the fans in Akron for their support over the years, but he doesn’t mention Cleveland at all. Another proud graduate of the BP School of Public Relations

In China they are developing a huge catamaran inspired bus that can drive OVER cars. As opposed to San Francisco where Muni drivers just try to drive through them.

Meg Whitman is likely to spend $150 million of her own money to run for Governor in California. And she may still lose. If this politics thing doesn’t work out she has at least proved herself uniquely qualified to take over the New York Mets.

New York, New York…

March 11, 2010

More and more staffers keep coming forward regarding alleged groping and harrassment in New York Congressman Rick Massa’s office. If this keeps up future similar incidents may be known as “Massa-bation.”

At first the allegations against Massa came from only one male staffer. But the additional complaints change things – it is no longer just a “he said he said” situation.

And okay, how many predicted this? All these sex scandals in New York politics. And Senator Clinton’s husband isn’t a part of any of them.

Nomar Garciaparra, one of the most beloved players ever at Fenway, signed a one day contract with Boston, so he could retire as a member of the Red Sox. And over in Green Bay, fans are telling Brett Favre, “Don’t even THINK about it.”

Rush Limbaugh has said he will leave the U.S. for Costa Rica if a health care reform bill passes. In related news, the government of Costa Rica has just made a $1,000,000 donation to the Tea Party movement.

University of Oregon star quarterback Jeremiah Masoli had a short stint in juvenile hall for his role in a series of robberies in high school when he was 17. Now he has been charged with burglary in Eugene. No wonder the guy has such a good 40 yard dash time – he’s needed it to avoid the cops.

The charges against Masoli bring the total of arrests and charges against Oregon football players to five since the Rose Bowl, with several other players accused in lesser incidents. If this keeps up, Chip Kelly’s next addition to the team playbook could be memorizing responses to “You have the right to remain silent.”

The Cincinnati Bengals have signed free agent wide receiver Antonio Bryant, which means they will probably NOT offer a contract to Terrell Owens. Which does answer one question. Yes, there are actually players who are considered too much trouble even for the Bengals.

My friend Alex Kaseberg has a good post today on his blog ( about Howard’s Stern’s comments about Gabourie Sidibe’s weight. Fortunately for Gabourie, she has the option of doing something about her weight as she gets older. Whereas Howard Stern is congenitally an a**hole.

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom who will be term-limited out in 2011, says he hasn’t decided about running for Lieutenant Governor, because if elected he doesn’t want to leave the city in the hands of an interim mayor for the remainder of his term. I guess he figures he did that enough while he was running for Governor.

Monday mourning quarterbacking…

January 19, 2010

Short post today due to computer performing about as well as the Cowboys’ offense last weekend.

The Vikings absolutely took apart the Cowboys on Sunday. But to be fair, Brett has had years to learn how to beat Texans. He remembers the Alamo.

And Favre says this is the best team he has ever been associated with, and the most fun he has had. No, he’s not dissing his former teams. He just can’t remember them.

Sarah Palin will be a VIP honored guest at the Daytona 500. And she plans to wave the checkered flag for the real winner after 250 miles.

Maria Sharapova wore a much criticized dress that made her resemble a peacock in the Australian Open. And she was ousted in the first round. Maybe it’s not a good idea these days to appear dressed as the NBC mascot.

Phil Kessel had the Maple Leafs’ team-leading, third winning goal against the Nashville Predators Monday night. Of course, many fans are thinking ‘Isn’t that the Leafs’ sum total of game winning goals?

Okay, what were the odds- the New York Jets have won more games in January than the New Jersey Nets.

Baseball, the BCS and other rants…

October 26, 2009

So major league baseball plays a 162 game season, with often only two days off a month, to find the best and most durable teams. Then the league makes the first round of the playoffs three out of five, and schedule the rest of them so far apart that the Yankees and Angels have played eight games in the past twenty days. MLB is making the BCS look good.

Well, almost. BCS rant of the week. Okay, Alabama came a blocked field goal away from losing to a mediocre Tennessee team, and jumps to number 1? USC makes a big point of saying how they won’t get blindsided by lowly Oregon State, again, wins only by six points, and jumps from 7 to 4? And Florida doesn’t cover the spread against Mississippi State and stays at 2.

In the meantime Cincinnati with a backup quarterback knocks off Louisville by 38, and they end up falling three spots to 8.

But yeah, we can’t have a playoff because a few extra weeks would adversely affect academics for the student athletes involved…. Right, which means the FSU players who tested at a second grade reading level would slip down to first?

Speaking of student athletes- this Tweet was reported in the Los Angeles Times to have come from freshman UCLA football player, Randall Carroll, it was noted because of the racial slur directed against offensive coordinator Norman Chow.

“man oregon, stanford and cal should have been easy wins ,, but [expletive] thys [racial slur] norm chow dnt be trustin us ,, so it is what it is.”

Anyone really think two extra weeks of class here might make a difference? Not that UCLA is going to any major bowls anytime soon.

“Paranormal” beat out “Saw VI” at the box office office in a battle of scary films. Although objectively speaking, the scariest film of the weekend was still probably the Raiders game tape.

Raiders lineman Richard Seymour last week guaranteed that Oakland would make the playoffs this year. With all due respect, I’m not sure the Raiders would make the BCS rankings.

A study conducted for League of American Voters last week said that almost 50 percent of those who watch Fox News regularly claim they are Democrats or independents. Translation, almost half of Fox viewers would never tell the truth to a “commie pinko” government survey.

While driving towards towards the end zone for a potential winning touchdown late in the game, Brett Favre missed his receiver and the ball was intercepted and run back for a touchdown. Wonder if Favre and his offense had been having a “heated discussion” in the huddle?

The two pilots who were unreachable for over an hour and flew past Minneapolis have been suspended. And they may lose their jobs. On the brighter side, they could be offered the chance to do promotional spots for Verizon – “Can you hear me now?”

Some things are just WRONG….

October 17, 2009

Like playing the theme from “Rocky” for the bottom of the 12th in Yankee Stadium. Yeah, nothing says underdog like the $201 million payroll Yankees.

Of course, if the Angels keep making all these errors, they may have to register as an official New York charity.

As Brett Favre prepares for the Ravens-Vikings game, at least he doesn’t have to worry about shopping for Halloween candy. What self-respecting kid wants to wait for the answer to “trick or treat.?”

Okay, let’s see, who predicted this one? The best college football team in Ohio this year is now unquestionably the undefeated Cincinnati Bearcats.

Major League Baseball is excusing their postseason umpiring mistakes by saying that six umpires are on the disabled list. But the explanation isn’t clear – are those six working the games or not?

So it turns out “balloon boy” Falcon never really got off the ground. Stay tuned for the announcement of his sponsorship deal with JetBlue.

Lebron James hasn’t been playing in pre-season games for the Cavs due to a suspected case of H1N1. This wouldn’t be a problem for Kobe Bryant. He never passes on anything.

It’s a rough year to be a sports fan in Toronto. Tonight, the CFL Argonauts became the first team to be officially eliminated from the playoffs. The Maple Leafs may follow in a few weeks.

The Toronto Maple Leafs have started the season 0-7. During the second intermission of their most recent loss, Air Canada Centre’s PA system started playing the Beatles’ “Help.” Maybe it would have been more appropriate to play Neil Young’s “Helpless.”

Ben Burnett reminds us that Microsoft’s next operating system, Windows 7, comes out on Thursday, October 22. So for those hoping to install it, call tech support now and get on hold now.

Trial balloons…

October 15, 2009

Carney Lansford, fired yesterday by the San Francisco Giants, was quoted as saying “never take a hitting coach job with an offensively challenged team.” Yo, Carney, isn’t that exactly the kind of team that NEEDS a good hitting coach?

Glad Falcon, the little Colorado boy, is safe. But let’s see, but apparently besides building balloons, his parents’ idea of family activities include tornado chasing and searching for extra-terrestrials. And mom and dad also both appeared on “Wife Swap.” Makes Jon and Kate almost look well-adjusted.

Even the Octomom said “What were they thinking?”

How did the rescuers hear that the boy had been in the attic all the time? “Tranquillity base here, the Falcon has never taken off?”

Polaroid is bringing the instant camera back. Can’t imagine why. Any photo you take can’t be uploaded on a camera phone, posted on Facebook, or shared with a million people on the internet… Oops, never mind.

Tonight’s 8-6 Phillies-Dodgers slugfest once again proved Yogi Berra knew what he was talking about – with his quote “Good pitching beats good hitting, and vice-versa.”

The game featured four home runs. Which would have been at least eight in Yankee Stadium.

Meghan McCain is taking some heat for a twitter photo she posted of herself in a pyjama top. She says if people don’t stop the criticism her the next pyjama photo she posts will feature her dad.

Garth Brooks is coming out of retirement again. Wonder if his first gig will be singing the national anthem at a Minnesota Vikings game?

A Louisiana justice of the peace claims he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Either that he’s trying to prevent future Democratic presidents.

This may only make sense to Canadian readers, but…

Moncton, New Brunswick, will host a 2010 regular season Canadian Football League game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Rough Riders. The town has been trying to land a CFL team for years. In a goodwill gesture from the U.S. to Canada, apparently Oakland has offered them the Raiders.

From Alex Kaseberg: A survey ranked the 55 cities with the smartest residents down to the least smartest residents and Fresno finished last. Upon hearing this a Fresno resident asked “What’s a resident?”

Not quite retiring the Favre jokes…

October 14, 2009

Brett Favre says this year’s Vikings are the “best team I’ve ever been on.” No, he’s not insulting the 1996 Super Bowl winning Packers. He just doesn’t remember them.

Junior Seau is returning from retirement for a third time to the New England Patriots. If the Patriots and Vikings make to the Super Bowl, we can only pray they don’t send Seau and Favre out to call the coin toss….

The NFL has announced that they have moved the Vikings-Packers rematch to 315p Central Standard Time on November 1, instead of 12:00n, by swapping the game with the Giants-Eagles game. This would avoid scheduling conflicts for the Phillies if they make it to the World Series.

The league says that they made the change to make things easier for Major League Baseball and the city of Philadelphia, and not because the later Sunday game has a bigger television audience and thus ad rates.

And if you believe THAT one, I’ve got a tape of Favre’s final retirement conference to sell you.

Gilbert Arenas and the Washington Wizards were fined $25,000 apiece Tuesday by the NBA because Arenas has been refusing to talk to the media. $25,000 for not talking? Well, that’s one fine that won’t have to be paid by Mark Cuban.

Apparently the Miami Dolphins are about to add one more celebrity part-owner, this time Fergie, of the Black Eyed Peas. She would join Venus Williams and Serena Williams, Jimmy Buffett, Marc Anthony and Emilio and Gloria Estefan as limited partners. Already, the average Floridian can name more owners of the Dolphins than players on the Buccaneers.

Despite the team’s recent success, Joe Torre has stated he has no intention of getting a contract extension with the Dodgers, and isn’t even sure he will return to Los Angeles next year. Apparently after this year with the Manny Ramirez circus, following all those years with the Yankees, Torre figures his next job will be something less stressful, like White House Press Secretary. apparently has more than once caught Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife Maria Shriver talking on a hand-held cellphone while driving (illegal in California), and has posted the pictures.

Maybe we have the wrong people going after Osama Bin Laden?

It’s not over….

October 6, 2009

How long did the Twins-Tigers tie-breaker game go on? Since it started, Brett Favre retired and un-retired three more times.

Some FSU boosters want Bobby Bowden, 79 to resign. But the school’s athletic director said the coach will not “step down.” At this point, the fall could kill him.

Joe Paterno, 82 when asked if he thought Bowden should stay on, reportedly replied, “Why not, he’ll only get better with experience.

Starbucks is going to start selling instant coffee. Yeah, but when you’re in a hurry it will still take the person in front of you ten minutes to decide which flavor to buy.

A Canadian man shot his handgun into a television, and was sentenced to counseling. He was also ordered as a term of his probation to never, EVER, watch a Maple Leafs game.

(for any Canadian readers, feel free to substitute Argonauts. Although as Canadian readers may also know, the answer to the question of “What’s the difference between the Argonauts and the Leafs is currently – the Argos have actually won three games.)

Now that Rio has been awarded the 2012 Olympics, some IOC members are worried about the large number of prostitutes in the city. But unlike the IOC, the prostitutes are upfront about their price and do generally offer value for money.

Rush Limbaugh may purchase the St. Louis Rams. There could, however, be a hitch. Someone has to convince Rush you can’t play football without a left tackle.

One problem with Major League Baseball playoffs, most kids, especially on the east coast, can’t stay up late on weeknights for the usually ridiculously late games. Now, this years’ division series’ will have only two of the four matchups scheduled on Saturday – the Los Angeles Dodgers against the St. Louis Cardinals (at 607p eastern,) and the Philadelphia Phillies at the Colorado Rockies. And for all those junior Phillies fans…the start time – 937p eastern. I can hear it now “Mommy, can I stay up and watch the national anthem?”

Tom Delay had to quit “Dancing with the Stars” due to stress fractures in both feet. Guess the steps were more than his body could handle, for the first time ever the former House Republican Whip sometimes had to force himself to move to the left.

Packers “Malled at America” field…

October 6, 2009

A British girl tried to sell her grandmother on Ebay. Unbelievable. Who would think a kid would try to sell grandma? One of their parents, maybe.

For years the Packers’ line has done a great job of giving Brett Favre time to throw the football. Unfortunately for Green Bay, they did the same thing tonight.

When asked about the game, Favre said he wanted to give all the credit to his offensive line. Then he said, no, I want to give credit to my receivers and great running backs. Then he said, he felt the win belonged to the coaching staff. Then, that the credit really should go to the fans….

Actually both Favre and Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rodgers had good nights, although Rodgers was sacked eight times. Hard not to believe, if the Vikings had drafted Rodgers, and Favre had stayed with the Packers, that Minnesota wouldn’t have still won.

Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that Favre is doing so well at the age of nearly 40. He played 16 years at Lambeau Field. Ice always has been a great preservative for fossils.

Or, tackier version. Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that Favre, who turns 40 on Saturday, is in such great shape. He played 16 years on the “frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.” Maybe there is something to this cyrogenics stuff.

James Carville said Glenn Beck was “out-and-out-nuts” and a “blatant hypocrite” for claiming to be pro-American but still celebrating Obama’s “failure” to bring the Olympics to the U.S.

Carville added “Beck wouldn’t know the difference between a football, a bat and a hockey court.”

To which Glenn Beck alllegedly responded. “Right, like Carville’s ever sat through all nine innings of a hockey game in his life.

This last from the very funny Jerry Perisho, on the news that Yankee Stadium is set to host a college football bowl game – “Extra points kicked to the east should clear the parking lot.”

Dinosaurs Alive.

September 27, 2009

Stunners in the NFL: Brett Favre throws a last second touchdown pass for a Vikings win over the 49ers, and the Lions finally get a win, against the Redskins. In related news, Washington has just offered an immediate quarterback contract to Joe Theismann.

Jim Riggleman, the interim manager of the 52-102 Washington Nationals said “We’re not the worst team in baseball.” He also predicted Barack Obama would someday be nominated to the Pro Bowlers Hall of Fame.

How bad is it in our nation’s capital? The Nationals have the worst record in baseball, the Redskins just lost to the Lions, and the Wizards had one of the worst records, again, in the NBA last season. At this point the only way Washington gets a winning team in town is when Obama invites one to the White House.

A man who snuck into the grizzly bear exhibit at San Francisco Zoo was somehow was rescued without any harm to him, or the grizzlies. Just as well the zoo got him out, any savings in the cost of feeding the bears this week would have been offset by the inevitable lawsuits.

The CBS 5 Sunday night news referred to the man’s climbing into the bear enclosure as “A stunt that defied logic.” As opposed to climbing into a bear enclosure using logic?

Today’s new Coaches Top 25 College Football poll has Cal ranked 19th, Oregon 25th. (Oregon just beat Cal 42-3.) Who’s overseeing this poll – President John McCain?

The remake of the musicial “Fame” had a disappointing opening weekend at the box office. MGM/UA estimated the audience was almost 80 percent female. But the studio was cheered by the positive audience reviews from both straight men.

Football and other games.

September 21, 2009

Brett Favre led the Minnesota Vikings over the apparently still woeful Detroit Lions. Proving once again that “Age and treachery can overcome youth and lack of skill.”

The Dallas Cowboys pronounced the opening game at their new stadium almost a success. It would have been a complete success had the Giants’ game winning field goal clanged off the scoreboard.

Former President Bill Clinton will come out to California to campaign for San Francisco Mayer Gavin Newsom, who is running for Governor. Should we be surprised? Lets see, Newsom got caught in a high profile sex scandal, with his best friend’s wife no less, and then ended up marrying a beautiful blond actress. Rumor has it Clinton refers to him as “my hero.”

Cuba has announced they want to become an eco-tourist destination. Does that mean they will want travellers to start arriving as well as departing on rafts?

Whatever else you can accuse the “Tea Baggers” of, at least no one can say they spent too much time with their heads in history books. Since the Boston Tea Party was about taxation without representation. Since their primary issue is to be anti-healthcare, aren’t they complaining about too much representation?

You do wonder, with the “Tea Baggers” anti-government attitude, does that mean they won’t sue if their bus crashes due to hitting an unfilled pothole on an interstate highway?

Jon Stewart won two Emmy’s Sunday night for the Daily Show. Hope he remembered to thank the people who made this possible – Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, Mark Sanford…..