Posted tagged ‘Maple Leafs jokes’

Long odds.

May 17, 2013

The odds of winning the week’s $600 million Powerball the jackpot are 1 in 175,223,510. Well, at least that’s slightly better than the Cubs winning the World Series.

5.1 earthquake in Ontario, Canada today. What triggered it? Monday’s unprecedented avalanche of falling Maple Leafs?

A new cellphone video appears to show Toronto mayor Rob Ford smoking crack cocaine. Wow.And just a few days ago Torontonians thought the most embarrassing thing that could happen to their city was the Maple Leafs.

New York Jets RB Mike Goodson was arrested this morning on drug possession and weapon charges. Good news for everyone who had May 17 in the “When does the post Tebow circus really start?” pool.

9 errors in 4 games. If this keeps up the #SFGiants are going to have to add asterisks when they sell those “game-used gloves.”

Seattle DE Bruce Irvin became the third Seahawk to be suspended in six months for PEDs. At this point the team is racking up so many rules violations Pete Carroll must think he’s back at USC.


But come on. Seahawks DE Bruce Irvin was suspended FOUR  games for PEDs.  Only 1/4 of the regular season. Even Bud Selig thinks the NFL drug policy is lame.

Beyonce has announced she is pregnant with her 2nd child. No announced due date but since she’s not really showing it appears she and Jay-Z will have several months to come up with a name weirder than “Blue Ivy.”

Open note to other California drivers:   If your SUV or minivan is big enough to fit an entire Little League team, it’s probably a tad too big for a “compacts only” parking place.

Pat Robertson is taking some heat for his comments on infidelity:   “Males have a tendency to wander a bit, and what you want to do is make the home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.” What’s Pat’s defense, that he was going to follow Sanford and Weiner in attempting another run for office?

Congrats to Vince Young. Who today is getting his degree from the University of Texas. And all across the SEC football players are asking “What’s a degree?”

Weird travel note.  No joke.   You know it’s a bad weekend to find hotel rooms in San Francisco when United Airlines has an internal message on delayed flights “DO NOT SEND ANY MISCONNECTS…NO HOTEL SPACE IN SFO.”

Glenn Beck is now claiming that the Obama administration concocted the AP and IRS scandals to take the focus of Benghazi. Leaving the bat-shit crazy element out of this, amazing that some conservatives think the only thing Obama can accomplish is a conspiracy.

Some things are just WRONG….

October 17, 2009

Like playing the theme from “Rocky” for the bottom of the 12th in Yankee Stadium. Yeah, nothing says underdog like the $201 million payroll Yankees.

Of course, if the Angels keep making all these errors, they may have to register as an official New York charity.

As Brett Favre prepares for the Ravens-Vikings game, at least he doesn’t have to worry about shopping for Halloween candy. What self-respecting kid wants to wait for the answer to “trick or treat.?”

Okay, let’s see, who predicted this one? The best college football team in Ohio this year is now unquestionably the undefeated Cincinnati Bearcats.

Major League Baseball is excusing their postseason umpiring mistakes by saying that six umpires are on the disabled list. But the explanation isn’t clear – are those six working the games or not?

So it turns out “balloon boy” Falcon never really got off the ground. Stay tuned for the announcement of his sponsorship deal with JetBlue.

Lebron James hasn’t been playing in pre-season games for the Cavs due to a suspected case of H1N1. This wouldn’t be a problem for Kobe Bryant. He never passes on anything.

It’s a rough year to be a sports fan in Toronto. Tonight, the CFL Argonauts became the first team to be officially eliminated from the playoffs. The Maple Leafs may follow in a few weeks.

The Toronto Maple Leafs have started the season 0-7. During the second intermission of their most recent loss, Air Canada Centre’s PA system started playing the Beatles’ “Help.” Maybe it would have been more appropriate to play Neil Young’s “Helpless.”

Ben Burnett reminds us that Microsoft’s next operating system, Windows 7, comes out on Thursday, October 22. So for those hoping to install it, call tech support now and get on hold now.

Coach of the year…

April 21, 2009

Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown was named NBA coach of the year Monday after leading the team to a division title and a number one seed in the playoffs. 

The award can be attributed to Brown’s hard work, instilling a great team attitude, and oh yeah, having the league MVP, Lebron James, on his roster.

There have to be moments when President Obama wonders what  “why exactly did I want this stupid job anyway.” 

And then’s there’s days like Monday, where in the midst of a work day, you hear that Tiger Woods is in town,  you ask him to stop by  the house, and he does.

So the President of the United States is a black man, and after Susan Boyle’s “Britain’s Got Talent” audition the world’s  biggest singing star is a homely white woman.   Seal and Hillary Clinton are not completely thrilled about this.

The Detroit Lions,  0-16 in the 2008 season, have unveiled a new logo with a  a fiercer looking lion.  IF this works will the Toronto Maple Leafs change their logo to poison ivy?

The Detroit Lions, 0-16 in the 2008 season, unveiled a new logo for 2009 with a fiercer looking lion.   If this works will the Los Angeles Clippers change their nickname to the Los Angeles Chain Saws?

Paraguay’s president, Fernando Lugo, has been accused of fathering two out of wedlock children before he took office.  Where does he think he is?  In the NBA?

Or, who does he think he is?  Travis Henry?

tacky joke alert below.

President Lugo is accused of fathering both children while he was a Catholic bishop, and both mothers were teenagers at the time of the relationships.  Upon hearing this the Catholic Church said, “Thank God, no altar boys.”

Or -upon hearing this the Vatican professed shock.  We have priests who sleep with girls?