Posted tagged ‘Susan Boyle jokes’

Coach of the year…

April 21, 2009

Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown was named NBA coach of the year Monday after leading the team to a division title and a number one seed in the playoffs. 

The award can be attributed to Brown’s hard work, instilling a great team attitude, and oh yeah, having the league MVP, Lebron James, on his roster.

There have to be moments when President Obama wonders what  “why exactly did I want this stupid job anyway.” 

And then’s there’s days like Monday, where in the midst of a work day, you hear that Tiger Woods is in town,  you ask him to stop by  the house, and he does.

So the President of the United States is a black man, and after Susan Boyle’s “Britain’s Got Talent” audition the world’s  biggest singing star is a homely white woman.   Seal and Hillary Clinton are not completely thrilled about this.

The Detroit Lions,  0-16 in the 2008 season, have unveiled a new logo with a  a fiercer looking lion.  IF this works will the Toronto Maple Leafs change their logo to poison ivy?

The Detroit Lions, 0-16 in the 2008 season, unveiled a new logo for 2009 with a fiercer looking lion.   If this works will the Los Angeles Clippers change their nickname to the Los Angeles Chain Saws?

Paraguay’s president, Fernando Lugo, has been accused of fathering two out of wedlock children before he took office.  Where does he think he is?  In the NBA?

Or, who does he think he is?  Travis Henry?

tacky joke alert below.

President Lugo is accused of fathering both children while he was a Catholic bishop, and both mothers were teenagers at the time of the relationships.  Upon hearing this the Catholic Church said, “Thank God, no altar boys.”

Or -upon hearing this the Vatican professed shock.  We have priests who sleep with girls?

Susan Boyle and Randy Johnson

April 20, 2009

Okay, so Boyle and Johnson are an unlikely pairing. But It’s  been a good few days for 40 somethings.  First Susan Boyle, 47, takes the world by storm with her rendition of  “I dreamed a dream” on “Britain’s Got Talent.”  Then Randy Johnson, 45,  nearly throws a one hitter for the San Francisco Giants against his old team, the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Some say that Susan Boyle is homely.   Actually, I think she is a nice, if frumpy looking middle-aged woman who could probably use a little fashion and hair advice. (Like many of us.)  But Randy Johnson on the other hand….

 

Rosie O’Donnell commented about Susan Boyle, while complimenting her performance…”Here is this freaky miss, a fat, ugly girl, like Shrek comes to life… ”      Does this really need a punchline?

Randy Johnson’s performance was as good as almost any in his career, even when he pitched back in the dead-ball era.

Arizona Senator John McCain remembers Johnson fondly from his days with the Diamondbacks, and commented after today’s win that it was “great to see the young pitcher doing so well.”

Now it comes out that the CIA used the water-boarding technique over 250 times on two suspects.  Not only that, but the potential torture techniques also included making the suspects watch “Waterworld” and sending them repeatedly through Disney’s “It’s a Small World Ride.”

Fran Drescher, formerly  the “Nanny” on television, has announced she is considering running for Hillary Clinton’s old Senate seat.  Let’s see, experience with spoiled whiny babies and children?  Yeah, that’s about as good as any other possible preparation for Congress.

A recent Rasmussen poll on the subject of  Texas seceding had 75 percent of Lone Star State voters saying they wanted to remain part of the United States.  Most of the other 25 percent reputedly asked “Since when did Texas join the United States?”

And on the other hand, 75 percent of the rest of United States would happily sing “Happy Trails” to Texas. 

After all, to much of the rest of the U.S. Texas is simply another strange land that happens to have oil.

Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega ranted about American imperialism last week.  He did say, however, that he did not blame President Obama for the  Bay of Pigs invasion, which happened before Obama was born. 

Does that mean had we elected John McCain he could have been blamed for everything back through the American Revolution?

Commie pinko joke alert below.

Some Republicans are upset with photos of President Obama being friendly to Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez.  Yeah, I guess he should stick to relations with more moral leaders of oil-producing countries, like the Saudi royal family?

The amazing Susan Boyle…

April 17, 2009

By now most of the world has seen and heard the marvellous Susan Boyle on Britain’s Got Talent.  (By the way, hard to believe, but she is the same age as Princess Diana would be, had she lived.)

Simon Cowell was clearly enraptured watching Susan Boyle sing.  In fact, Simon hadn’t looked that approving since he last shaved in front of a mirror.

 

– okay, this one is tacky – but –

Susan Boyle has become an instant celebrity.  Nobody’s become that famous before  just by opening their mouth since Monica Lewinsky.

The number one-seeded San Jose Sharks lost their first playoff game Thursday night.   Not to say the Sharks are beginning to resemble a certain jinxed baseball team, but they are starting to refer to their arena – HP Pavilion – as the “Friendly Confines.”

 

Nadya Suleman is apparently trying to trademark the name “Octomom”  Guess the term “Psychomom” was already taken.

The San Francisco Giants are 2-7 after losing their last six games in a row.  To be fair, there are only three things wrong with the team  – hitting, pitching and defense.

Meg Whitman,  the former Ebay CEO running for Governor of California, has touted her skills with numbers and budgets.  And she  said today that “”On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is really hard, being governor of California is a 12.”

12 on a scale of 1 to 10.  So what happens when things get really difficult with numbers?

Hillary Clinton is offering a date with her husband to one lucky person who helps contribute to pay off her campaign debt.  And Bill said, “Honey, if you’d just let me help this way last year, we could have won this election.”

Does Bo know his sleeping arrangements?

April 16, 2009

 

Barack Obama said of the new  First Dog Bo, that everyone in the family will take turns walking the puppy.  He also added on the subject of the dog’s sleeping arrangements – “Not in my bed.”   I think I like Barack’s odds on the pledge not to raise taxes better.

New first dog Bo, while a handsome guy, was neutered before he got to the White House.  And Hillary Clinton said “You can do that?”

The 0 and 7 Nationals were rained out in Washington Wednesday. Making it one of Major League Baseball’s first fan appreciation days.

Susan Boyle, a 47 year old woman from Scotland, has become an overnight sensation with her appearance singing on “Britain’s Got Talent.”  She is now the favourite for the show’s top prize of  100,000 pounds”

Miss Boyle says she is unemployed ,unmarried, and lives with her cat.  Married women all over the world are telling her “take the money, stick with the cat.”

“Britain’s got Talent,” has now gotten a huge rating boost out of Susan Boyle.  Stay tuned for the next and even more surprising new reality show “Britain’s got Teeth.”

Texas Governor Rick Perry says the state could secede and leave the Union.

Texas actually might want to secede?  Two words – “Let them.”

Why, if Texas had seceded from the United States, George W Bush might never have become president.