Posted tagged ‘Lions jokes’

Romo, romo, where art thou, romo?

December 30, 2013

Image

Thanks to Jeff Klein for the picture.

And thanks to Kyle Orton for the great fourth quarter Tony Romo imitation.

If consistency is a virtue than the #Cowboys are a truly Godlike team. #eliminatedagain   (Three .500 seasons in a row.)

Cowboys should have put in Jon Kitna?

But worst of all for Cowboys fans?  They face the additional heartbreak of not being able to blame it on Tony Romo.

Congrats to the Chargers. But if it takes a missed 41 yard FG , (and a missed defensive penalty on the attempt) , and then an OT FG to win against a KC Chiefs team that rested 7 starters including their QB…. well, thinking their SD fans might not have to worry about tickets for week 2 of the playoffs.

Drew Brees, 381 passing yards. Peyton Manning. 266 passing yards. Each with 4 TD passes in the first half. Brees added a rushing TD in the second. Unlikely they both make it to Metlife, but if so and the game isn’t played in a blizzard, might be the highest Super Bowl total score in history.

Peyton Manning broke Drew Brees’ NFL record for most passing yards in a single season (5,476) today in Oakland. Should the record have an asterisk since it was against the Raiders?

Rex Ryan and Geno Smith will apparently both be back with the NY Jets next year. Not sure if this will be good news for Jets fans, but it should be for comedy writers.

Detroit finished off their late season collapse on a consistent note, with their 4th loss of the month (and 6th in their last 7 games.) This December these Lions couldn’t have even beat the Christians.

The Redskins are expected to fire Mike Shanahan after today’s game. Thereby creating a job opening with the approximate same chance of success as mediating peace in the Middle East.

So have to wonder, if “Paula’s Best Dishes” and “Paula’s Home Cooking” had the ratings “Duck Dynasty” has, would Paula Deen still have her TV gig?

A man who was mugged in Central Park this weekend that the mugger took money, but looked disgustedly at his flip phone, and gave it back to him. Yet another reason to carry, if not a flip phone, a Blackberry.

Kanye West apparently told fans at his Toronto concert this weekend that he plans to keep his opinions to himself for a while. “Might be another, like, six months. At least. You’re just gonna have to run back the interviews and s–t if you wanna hear some realness.” Promise?

Lottery fever?

December 18, 2013

When they total U.S. retail sales this December will Mega Millions lottery tickets count?

So were all these people rushing to buy tickets risking affluenza?

A winning Mega Millions jackpot ticket was purchased today in San Jose. The winner might have almost enough to buy Santa Clara 49ers season tickets.

Okay I admit it, my coworkers went in for a handful of Mega Millions tickets today, I declined. But when I heard “winning ticket sold in the South Bay,” yes, there was a second of “uh oh….”

Channel 2 in the SF Bay Area is doing “Breaking News” on the winning “Mega Millions” ticket. So every few minutes they were  showing a live picture… of a locked up gift store in San Jose….

Edward Snowden has written an “open letter to the people of Brazil” saying he is willing to help the country investigate U.S. surveillance of Brazilian citizens. Translation: Snowden is already tired of living in Russia.

Eight tech officials, including CEO’s from Apple, Facebook, Yahoo and Google, wrote a letter to Obama and Congress calling for curbs to NSA surveillance. Apparently they want the surveillance left to the corporate sector.

It may be December, but those Thanksgiving stalwarts the Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions apparently decided to do their giving on the field this week.

The Harvard bomb threat that closed several buildings on Monday was apparently emailed in by a student to administrators, police and the Harvard Crimson. The young man in question was scheduled to take an exam that day. You’d think if he had time to think of the scheme, he also had time to study.

Urban Meyer says he’s an “awful loser. I guess I’d rather be known as that than as a good loser.” I have news for the OSU coach. He’s not known as a good winner either.

Oregon CB Troy Hill has been suspended following his arrest last Friday for “menacing” and “criminal mischief.” Well, the Ducks may not be going to a BCS bowl, but good to see their players are still in NFL prospect form.

Scientists at Emory University devised an algorithm using Twitter to figure out how various NFL fan bases deal with wins and losses. Turns out the Raiders fans have the biggest swings between happy and sad. Good thing they stuck with football, Cubs fans might have crashed the system.

Harold Camping, the California preacher who freaked out thousands of people when he predicted the end of the world has died at age 92. So wonder if his predictive power was at least good enough to know he didn’t need to buy Christmas presents.

Back in Texas, an advisor to Attorney General Greg Abbott tweeted earlier this fall that State Senator Wendy Davis is “too stupid to be governor.” “Too stupid to be governor” of Texas? Didn’t think based on recent history that was possible.

A Delta flight slid some distance off the runway last night in the snow at Madison Airport. The important question for many this time of year… did the airline at least give passengers a few extra frequent flier miles?

The Charlotte Bobcats said they will unveil their new “Charlotte Hornets” logo Dec. 21, The team will rename itself for the 2014-15 season. Alas they will have a new name, new uniforms and the same lousy players

Some 49ers fans plan to taunt Seahawks fan by purchasing a billboard in Seattle with pictures of the five Super Bowl trophies SF has won. Fair enough…but no doubt Seahawks fans will in turn point out that they can see the billboard on their way to home playoff games.

Justin Bieber said during an L.A. radio interview that “After the new album, uh, I’m actually, uh, I’m retiring man, I’m retiring…” Alas, unlike Megyn Kelly, Bieber probably really WAS joking.

 

Are you ready for some bad football?

November 14, 2010

 The Buffalo Bills will not end up with a “perfect” record this year, since they won their first game today against the Detroit Lions. And to celebrate, the 1972 Miami Dolphins opened a case of really cheap generic beer.

My friend Douglas Hudson pointed out that the Lions have now lost their 25th straight road game, breaking their own NFL record set in 2001-03.

In this environmentally conscious age, maybe Detroit should just declare themselves the NFL’s first truly “green” team and just forfeit the rest of their road games?  Would save travel costs, the associated “carbon footprint,” plus wear and tear on the players…

Brett Favre seems to have recovered from his broken ankle, as he was running around the field like looking like a young man Sunday.  Unfortunately for the Vikings,  the young man he looked like was Vinny Testaverde.

The lights went out for a brief time tonight during the Giants-Cowboys game Sunday night.  Although despite Dallas’s upset win, it was still about a month after the lights went out on the Cowboys’ season.

A recent survey by the Chronicle of Higher Education found that 30 presidents of U.S. colleges and universities received more than $1 million in pay and benefits in 2008. As opposed to only 61 college football coaches who made over a million in salary alone.

 San Francisco beat the Rams today in overtime 23-20, despite 14 penalties. Who knew… the secret of success might simply have been for the 49ers to become the Raiders?

There are now allegations that parts of George W. Bush’s memoir were plagarized from other books and articles. On the brighter side, this might indicate that W. actually reads.

A British study found that 1 in 10 men say they use the internet primarily to look for porn. The other nine presumably just go online to read the articles.

from Marc Ragovin: 

Bud Selig raised eyebrows the other day when he said that civil war veteran Abner Doubleday invented baseball, despite all evidence to the contrary. Leading Jamie Moyer to say: “I knew Abner Doubeday. I fought with Abner Doubleday. And Abner Doubleday did not invent baseball.”

Approaching turkey time…

November 22, 2009

As we approach the holiday season, one tradition around the U.S. is a contest to find the biggest Thanksgiving turkey. So far it seems to be between the Packers-Lions and Raiders-Cowboys.


In the meantime, today brings us a matchup between the 1-8 Browns and the 1-8 Lions. How bad is it likely to be? Not only is the game blacked out locally, the Navy can’t show it to the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, for fear of violating the Geneva Convention.


FIFA has refused to overturn France’s controversial win over Ireland. Does that mean they basically handed France the World Cup berth?

LSU lost a critical game to Ole Miss when they forgot to call a timeout with less than 30 seconds left in the game. While the Tigers aren’t known for their high academic standards, maybe it would be a good idea to teach the players to count to 26.


But over in the Ivy League, Yale was leading 10-7 over Harvard with about two and a half minutes left. The Bulldogs had a 4th and 22 at their own 26 yard line. With a punter who had been averaging 51 yards and the Crimson out of timeouts. And Yale tried a fake punt. Which came up short. Harvard drove 40 yards for a game winning touchdown.

Even Bill Belichick said “What were they THINKING?”


And in the NFL….

Last week the league fined a number of players from between $5,000 to 10,000 for unnecessary roughness. Including some plays that resulted in injuries. After fining Chad Ochicinco $20,000 for a fake $1 bribe to an official. And of course Titans’ Bud Adam’s $250,000 fine for giving the finger to Bills fans.

Can’t imagine how anyone thinks the league doesn’t take the health of their players seriously.


The big political news Saturday was the Senate actually voting 60-40 to open debate on the healthcare bill. Which is being considered a major accomplishment. Not passing the bill, simply managing to get the votes to DISCUSS it. And they wonder why most Americans don’t have much faith in Congress.


finally, from Alex Kaseberg, a wonderfully tacky close:

“Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, is posing for “Playgirl” but isn’t doing the “Full Monty.” That means he’ll take of his Levis but you won’t see his Johnston.

NFL week one etc.

September 14, 2009

Cincinnati lost to the Denver Broncos on an 87 yard last second tipped pass, a play that was aided by defensive mistakes. It was the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bengals in recent memory. Well, without the police being involved.


How bad was Quarterback Jay Cutler’s play in the Bears opening day loss to the Packers. By the fourth quarter Chicago fans were calling for the return of Rex Grossman.

Drew Brees threw six touchdown passes on Sunday, which tied the Saints’ single game record. No word on if because it was against the Lions the record will have an asterisk.


The Green Bay media is praising Aaron Rodgers for a great season-opener, including his last minute drive to lead the Packers over the Bears. But to be fair and give credit where credit is due, they do say the Vikings seem to have a good running game.



The Lions extended their regular season losing streak to 18 games. There went Detroit’s early hopes of cracking the AP College Football top 25.

C.C. Sabathia won his 17th for the Yankees, 13-3 over the Orioles. The offensive outburst came without much help from A-Rod, who was on the bench after being ejected in the fourth. Well, that’s one way to get some practice for the playoffs.

After their upset of Oklahama State, the Houston Cougars are in college football’s top 25 for the first time since 1991. To give you an idea how long ago that was, Brett Favre was just contemplating his first retirement.

Barack Obama condemned Kanye West’s interruption of Taylor Swift’s MTV award acceptance.. But the President intends to give Kanye a chance to redeem himself; in fact he has invited the rapper to attend Joe Biden’s next speech.


September might be a harsh reality check for Obama, as he realizes the limits of his power in Washington. Oh, he will probably get health care passed. But there is nothing he will be able to do about the Redskins.

Serena Williams ending up forfeiting match point after a profanity-laced tirade in her U.S. Open semi-final. So much for all those who say the women would never catch up to the men’s game.

Serena Williams’ over-the-top outburst at the U.S. Open, will cost her at least a $10,000 fine. Had she just yelled “You lie,” she might have offset that fine with contributions from Republicans.

Yet another rider

May 18, 2009

Since Mike Smith has another commitment for June 6, and Calvin Borel will stick with Rachel Alexandra for the Belmont,  Mine that Bird will need another jockey for the third leg of the Triple Crown.

Three riders in five weeks.  They may have to change the horse’s name to Paris Hilton.

Barack Obama gave the commencement speech at Notre Dame.  There was an embarrassing moment afterwards when some students and faculty said their next goal was to see their team in a BCS bowl game, and the President’s response “No, you can’t.”

Pittsburgh Steelers  linebacker James Harrison will skip the Super Bowl Champions visit to the White House, again, saying that it’s “not a big deal.”

Well, if he wants to avoid the issue in future, maybe Pittsburgh could just trade him to the Lions.

Major League Baseball has announced that this year’s World Series games will start earlier, at 757p EST, instead of around 830p.   This still means games are likely to end around 1130pm on the East Coast, but, hey, at least on a school night kids will be able to stay up and watch the National Anthem.

Jon Gruden will join the Monday Night Football crew this year.  For conspiracy theorists, this year there are NO appearances on MNF by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  And the only appearance of the Oakland Raiders is in the late night game of the season opening doubleheader, which the main crew won’t call.

See Sarah run, See Sarah write

May 15, 2009

Sarah Palin has signed a contract to write her memoirs.  Presumably the book will be illustrated with pictures of Russia taken from her house.

Governor Palin said she is writing the book in part because she is tired of the media exploiting her family.  Apparently she’s decided it’s time  to go back to exploiting her family by herself. 

In the meantime, Elizabeth Edwards’ book, and her book tour, seem to be doing a good job of sinking any future political career John might have.

Instead of  “Stand by your man,” it’s more like “Stand on your man.”  In stillettos.

 

Detroit running back Kevin Smith has guaranteed the Lions would make the playoffs next season.  Maybe he meant the B.C. Lions?

 (note to Americans on the above joke, the B.C. Lions are a CFL team from Vancouver.)

The Cincinnati Bengals will be featured on the HBO series about training camps  “Hard Knocks” this fall.   While some in Cincinnati are nervous about the reality show, at least it’s an improvment over the Bengals’ previous performance, on “Hard Time.”

Or-

At least it’s an improvment over the Bengals’ previous reality show – “Cops.”

As the Obama administration deals with the torture issue, some are floating kinder, gentler, versions of interrogation that might be as effective as waterboarding…

For starters,  nonstop playing of “Ishtar” and “Waterworld”  in detainees’ cells,  or perhaps DVD replays of “the View,”  or perhaps just having Joe Biden come in to say a few words,

President Obama has decided that his administration will not torture.  And in keeping with that decision, he won’t put detainees through anything he wouldn’t go through himself.  Which means that soon, anyone held and suspected of being a terrorist by the US will have their mother-in-law invited to stay with them.

Coach of the year…

April 21, 2009

Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown was named NBA coach of the year Monday after leading the team to a division title and a number one seed in the playoffs. 

The award can be attributed to Brown’s hard work, instilling a great team attitude, and oh yeah, having the league MVP, Lebron James, on his roster.

There have to be moments when President Obama wonders what  “why exactly did I want this stupid job anyway.” 

And then’s there’s days like Monday, where in the midst of a work day, you hear that Tiger Woods is in town,  you ask him to stop by  the house, and he does.

So the President of the United States is a black man, and after Susan Boyle’s “Britain’s Got Talent” audition the world’s  biggest singing star is a homely white woman.   Seal and Hillary Clinton are not completely thrilled about this.

The Detroit Lions,  0-16 in the 2008 season, have unveiled a new logo with a  a fiercer looking lion.  IF this works will the Toronto Maple Leafs change their logo to poison ivy?

The Detroit Lions, 0-16 in the 2008 season, unveiled a new logo for 2009 with a fiercer looking lion.   If this works will the Los Angeles Clippers change their nickname to the Los Angeles Chain Saws?

Paraguay’s president, Fernando Lugo, has been accused of fathering two out of wedlock children before he took office.  Where does he think he is?  In the NBA?

Or, who does he think he is?  Travis Henry?

tacky joke alert below.

President Lugo is accused of fathering both children while he was a Catholic bishop, and both mothers were teenagers at the time of the relationships.  Upon hearing this the Catholic Church said, “Thank God, no altar boys.”

Or -upon hearing this the Vatican professed shock.  We have priests who sleep with girls?