Posted tagged ‘Preakness jokes’

And down the stretch they stumble

May 21, 2016

Today was the ‪#‎Preakness‬. Otherwise known to millions as the race  that answers the question. “Do we care about the ‪#‎Belmont‬ this year?”

#‎Exaggerator‬ wins the ‪#‎Preakness‬. Hope this isn’t an omen about ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬

Saturday’s rainy ‪#‎Preakness‬ Stakes had almost as much mud flying around as the Presidential race.


Now that ‪#‎Exaggerator‬ has won the ‪#‎Preakness‬ is he telling other horses about the ‪#‎Belmont‬ and his potential ‪#‎TripleCrown‬ win?

While the Preakness was a good race, the sad story at Pimlico was that two other horse died earlier at the track today, one from a heart attack after winning a race, one after falling and breaking her leg. But wonder how many people are decrying horse racing while taking another bite of their hamburger or hot dog.

The Oklahoma legislature is calling for the impeachment of President Obama over his bathroom rights directive, which they say is “biblically wrong.” Fine then, if it’s all about morals, shouldn’t they also be trying to get that “I’m just a girl who can’t say no” song out of their state musical? ‪#‎OklahomanotOK‬

Apparently some Americans are rethinking travel to Europe in the wake of 66 people being killed in the Egypt Air crash. So they’ll stay home and drive this summer, where about 3,000 of us will get killed each month on the roads.

Another day, more plumbing issues at Coliseum before ‪#‎As‬ ‪#‎Yankees‬ game. Insert “sh*tty baseball teams” joke here”:

A Willie Mays 1952 Topps rookie card just sold for $478,000 at auction. And millions of men thinking of their own childhood collections are silently screaming “Mom!!”


Have many wonderful ‪#‎Cubs‬ fan friends. For some reason they are a little quieter today than yesterday. ‪#‎SFGiants‬

Matt Cain, who hadn’t had a win since last July, had his first win for the #SFGiants in 2016, along with his first hit, a two-run double. And the Giants hung on to win 5-3 So clearly the way Cain needs to win is simply supply his own RBIs.

Although closer Santiago Casilla,  who gave up a  home run to start the 9th in a a 5-2 game, once again did his best to stimulate alcohol sales around the San Francisco Bay Area. ‪#‎Torture‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

In Santiago, two zoo lions were shot and killed after they mauled a man who jumped into their enclosure. Poor cats. And what a shame. Deprived the guy of a Darwin and the zoo of a reduced food bill.


A horse is a horse….

May 17, 2014



The Preakness is just under a 2 minute race.   But a better proportion of action to hype than the #NFLDraft.


And there’s more time between the Preakness and the Belmont than between the NFC/AFC finals and the Super Bowl.  But at least we know none of the athletes are likely to get arrested.

California Chrome owner Steve Coburn, while hardly politically correct,  seems like the anti- Donald Sterling. #Preakness

Looking at #ESPN I’m a bit confused. Did anyone get chosen in the #NFLDraft this year besides #JohnnyManziel and #MichaelSam?


Amazing. The Bakersfield dog who attacked the young boy before he was fought off by Tara the cat, is scheduled to be euthanized. And in the meantime he is trying to bite workers who are feeding him. But the dog also now has people calling the shelter and begging to adopt him. The answer is no. And got to love the shelter director’s response. “I have 200 other dogs that need a home, who haven’t bit anyone and make great family pets.”


The SF Giants’ Brandon Hicks was called out on instant replay for missing first base on a ball that missed being a home run by less than 2 feet. Your basic 1-3 off the wall put out.


A woman threatened to shoot everyone inside a South Carolina Burger King after she complained that her cinnamon bun wasn’t fresh enough. Was she a tourist from Florida?


Love it. Sarah Palin, mocking Michelle Obama’s for using “hashtagging tweets” as foreign policy,: “Diplomacy via Twitter is the lazy, ineffectual, naive and insulting way for America’s leaders to deal with major national and international issues. It’s embarrassing,” Sarah posted this rant on Facebook.

Actual warning on a bottle of Korbel sparkling wine – “NEVER open using a corkscrew.” Must have been a lawyer and/or an interesting story behind that one.

Hyon Song-Wol, said to be Kim Jong-Un’s ex-lover who he ordered to be executed, has apparently appeared alive and well on state television. Will North Korea now announce their Supreme Leader has the ability for resurrection?

Apparently in 2013, 63 parents in the U.S. named their daughter “Vanellope.” The scariest thing, these people are Darwin ineligible because they have already bred.

Sometimes change is just a matter of moving to the next generation. A story that is both depressing and gives hope for the future. A Catholic school in San Francisco chose to keep a girl’s senior picture out of the yearbook because she was wearing a tux. But her classmates, boys and girls, are overwhelmingly supporting her.

Power (ball) failure?

May 18, 2013

Apparently if we really want to get voter turnout up in the US, all we need to do is offer voters a free #Powerball ticket.


But there was a Powerball winner tonight,  as the odds indicated this time because  most combinations were picked. And if most Americans understood the math of why that is unusual, they wouldn’t be playing in the first place.


(although as Michael Schilby points out..  A ticket is “cheaper than going to a Cubs game, and, if you’re a Cubs fan, more rewarding.”


One positive thing about Powerball, at least it’s made sure most Americans have learned to count to 59.


Was only six numbers off tonight’s #Powerball jackpot, and I didn’t even play.


So with about a month to go in the NBA finals, we’ve got teams from the major media markets left of San Antonio, Indianapolis, Memphis and Miami. The winner? Might be Major League Baseball.


#Oxbow won the #Preakness. Meaning the Belmont Stakes will now be about as much of a TV ratings success as the rest of #NBC’s lineup.



Not saying Oxbow’s jockey Gary Stevens is old, but rumor has it he had to rush to the track for the 6:18pm post time after finishing his Early Bird special dinner.


(Alex Kaseberg adds, that Stevens is so old,  “he left Oxbow’s right turn signal on the whole race.”)


Wow, never thought I’d type this: If the 2013 SF Giants could pitch and catch, they’d be dangerous.


In 2013, Notre Dame can qualify for a BCS bowl if they win 9 games and finish in the top 14 of the final BCS poll. But due to current contracts, if they win, say, 6-7 games the Fighting Irish, while bowl-eligible, might have to stay home. Oh the horror.


No one was injured when a US Airways Express flight had landing gear problems and ended up making a belly landing at Newark Airport airport last night. But standby for a “wheel maintenance fee.”

So will the main accomplishment of the Houston Astros moving leagues be keeping the LA Angels out of last place in the AL West?


Wouldn’t it be nice if Americans and the media got as up in arms about coming up with a fair and reasonable tax system as they did over whether some political groups were too closely scrutinized over what would be at best a questionable tax-exempt status?

Flori-duh, again.

May 15, 2013

At a Florida Starbucks, a woman accidentally shot her friend in the leg when she dropped her purse and a .25-caliber handgun inside discharged. She told police she put the gun in her purse when her father gave it to her last year and had forgotten about it. Wow, and I thought I had too much junk in the bottom of MY purse.

Open question to those in the GOP wanting to make sure the IRS never again targets political groups asking for tax-exempt status – so assume you are okay with all the potential 501 (c) (4) groups that are forming even now who just happen to support the same policies as, say, Hillary Clinton?

OJ Simpson wants a new trial for stealing personal memorabilia he said dealers had stolen from him. Simpson admitted yelling at the dealers when he took the stuff, saying “I wanted them to feel my pain.” Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman’s families have SO much sympathy for him….

All these writers talking about why the U.S. shouldn’t intercede in Syria. Thinking it can be boiled down into three words – “Iraq, Afghanistan, Vietnam.”

Don’t get me wrong, what the IRS did was wrong. But if you WERE going to investigate potentially fraudulent tax-exempt applications, suppose it’s not a crazy idea to start with organizations whose announced mission is to be against taxes.

Rough day for Seattle basketball fans – NBA owners voted today that the Kings should stay in Sacramento. Which means the only thing that Seattle folks had to smile about was the Memphis Grizzlies upset series win over the Oklahoma City Thunder.

Leave politics aside. Who else would tune in to watch Darrell Issa and Eric Holder compete in Celebrity Boxing?

Just how embarrassing was this two day visit to Toronto for the SF Giants? They may have had to leave town wearing Maple Leafs jerseys.

Somehow I missed the news report where the #SFGiants had their gloves confiscated on arrival by Canadian customs?

Orb drew the rail.:  And after Saturday, depending on who wins the Preakness, millions of Americans may pretend they understand that sentence.

From Jim Barach: “Donald Trump will have to testify at a civil trial in Chicago over one of his condos. The worst part is when he takes the witness stand and swears in with “I swear to tell the truth…so help me Me.”

Carlos Zambrano has signed a contract with the Philadelphia Phillies. Wonder if it’s to pitch or replace the Phillie Fanatic?

Green Bay Packers Pres.& CEO Mark Murphy said that the Packers hope to have Brett Favre “back involved in the organization soon” and to retire his jersey. And Favre is thinking, why retire it when I can still play?

92 people were caught in an Orlando prostitution sting, including one man who ended up soliciting an undercover cop on his honeymoon. Talk about bringing your bride to Fantasyland….

Changing status:

May 20, 2012

Mark Zuckerberg wore a hoodie to Wall Street and a suit and tie to his wedding. Good to see the young man has at least some of his priorities in order.

A 73 year old woman became the oldest to climb Mount Everest. And the oldest presumably to do with with her left caribiners flashing the whole way.

“I’ll Have Another” won the Preakness Saturday, putting himself in position to win horse racing’s first Triple Crown in 34 years. Or as Cubs fans say “Only Yesterday.”

Are horses really athletes?   Well, they don’t get arrested, say stupid things or otherwise embarrass themselves publicly. But there are those out of wedlock offspring….

Three years after he was released from prison because he was dying of prostate cancer, convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi passed away in Libya. “How sad,” said absolutely nobody.

Two of the strongest signs that President Obama, while far from perfect, seems likely to win re-election over Mitt Romney? GOP talking about Reverend Wright and birth certificates.


Three starters on Florida’s softball team have been suspended for the season, for undisclosed reasons but allegedly over an stupid altercation. Well, once again Title IX has given women the right to show they can compete with male athletes.

Mick Jagger on SNL season finale last night. Guess they wanted a musical guest old enough to remember when the show was actually funny.

Speaking of old, from Bill Littlejohn:  “The world’s oldest yoga teacher is still going strong at 93. His name—-Maharishi Mahesh Moyer.”

Rick Santorum’s campaign ended up $2.2 million in debt, a debt that actually increased after he quit the race. And this is a man who was going to balance the Federal budget?


R.I.P Robin Gibb. Insert bad “Stayin’ Alive” joke here:

Open note to RFK Jr.: If you’re trying to correct your image as a cheating douche bag after your estranged wife commits suicide, probably not a great idea to include in your eulogy at the funeral: “I know I did everything I could to help her.”

Races, great and otherwise.

May 22, 2011


Another reason to love horse racing. Animal Kingdom barely lost in his bid to win the Preakness, the second race in the Triple Crown. And so far he hasn’t blamed his trainer, his jockey, the track, the starting gate…..

In fact, (bad pun alert), Animal Kingdom didn’t even claim his mother was a nag.

Herman Cain today entered the race for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. I think I speak for most Americans when I say “Who?”

Meanwhile, Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels just announced he is NOT running for the 2012 GOP Presidential nomination. Apparently based on his competition, Daniels decided he did not have quite the combination of hubris and insanity required to run.

The first in a series?  You know you’re really a fan of the 2011 Giants when…

When someone tells you Tim Lincecum threw a three-hitter today, and your first response is “Did he win?”

Aflac has now announced an agreement to sponsor the Heisman trophy. Wonder if the company will offer free supplemental salary insurance for each year’s winners when they wash out in the NFL.

NFL players, who are already suing league for alleged antitrust violations, have again urged the appeals court to lift the lockout, and likened the league to a “cartel.” This prompted a response for an immediate apology. From OPEC.

The UConn men’s basketball program is losing two scholarships for the upcoming season as a result of a poor Academic Performance Rating from the NCAA. Apparently for starters, most of the team couldn’t spell “Academic Performance Rating.”

Meanwhile, It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.

Although had the world ended Saturday, Cubs fans all over would have been going “We could have been contenders.”

Sad but true from TC in Canada:   A good number of Canucks fans made the trek to SJ HP Pavillion for game 3 of the Western final. All were advised to purchase the new “LA Dodger Fan Encounter” Insurance available for trips to Calif.

Yet another rider

May 18, 2009

Since Mike Smith has another commitment for June 6, and Calvin Borel will stick with Rachel Alexandra for the Belmont,  Mine that Bird will need another jockey for the third leg of the Triple Crown.

Three riders in five weeks.  They may have to change the horse’s name to Paris Hilton.

Barack Obama gave the commencement speech at Notre Dame.  There was an embarrassing moment afterwards when some students and faculty said their next goal was to see their team in a BCS bowl game, and the President’s response “No, you can’t.”

Pittsburgh Steelers  linebacker James Harrison will skip the Super Bowl Champions visit to the White House, again, saying that it’s “not a big deal.”

Well, if he wants to avoid the issue in future, maybe Pittsburgh could just trade him to the Lions.

Major League Baseball has announced that this year’s World Series games will start earlier, at 757p EST, instead of around 830p.   This still means games are likely to end around 1130pm on the East Coast, but, hey, at least on a school night kids will be able to stay up and watch the National Anthem.

Jon Gruden will join the Monday Night Football crew this year.  For conspiracy theorists, this year there are NO appearances on MNF by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  And the only appearance of the Oakland Raiders is in the late night game of the season opening doubleheader, which the main crew won’t call.

Curlin and Rachel Alexandra

May 18, 2009

Horse racing’s newest star filly, Rachel Alexandra, will apparently be bred to Curlin, a former superstar in his own right.   Which will make them the most famous parents in the thoroughbred world.

Wonder if Curlin and Rachel will then adopt zebra foals from Africa?


Wonder if before they mate, if the filly will have to convert to Scientology?

Arnold Schwarzenegger received an honorary degree at USC, although he never attended classes there.    Does this make him an honorary football player?

Arnold Schwarzenegger received a honorary degree from USC.  The Trojans hope this increases the odds of a gubernatorial pardon for their basketball program.

President Obama spoke at Notre Dame commencement Sunday and faced several hundred protesters who were upset at his pro-choice stance.  The protesters said it was nothing personal but they would protest any speaker on campus who was not anti-abortion.   Unless he could lead them to a New Year’s Day Bowl game.

The NBA playoffs seem to go on forever, especially when series like Orlando-Boston and Houston-Los Angeles last seven games.  Though as the Lakers point out, in a seven game series, you only have to show up for four.

Okay, a political thought here… but.

Apparently Republicans are already gathering ammunition and preparing their arguments against President Obama’s Supreme Court pick, even though Obama hasn’t actually announced his choice yet.

Not that this might affect his decision, but in the spirit of this so-called bipartisanship, have Republicans thought of actually suggesting a few names of candidates they actually think ARE qualified?

Nancy Pelosi claims now that she did not know the CIA was engaging in waterboarding or other forms of forture.  Although in hindsight maybe she should have been suspicious when the CIA liasion who briefed her was Jack Bauer.

Though I admit it, I am a fan of 24.  And usually end up supporting what Jack and his new cohort Renee do to get answers on the show.  But let’s be real… expecting torture to work because it works on 24, is like writing an analysis of marriage based on Desperate Housewives.

The Preakness

May 16, 2009

The exacta (the 1-2 finishers) in the Preakness were a filly and a gelding.  Or as Hillary Clinton calls it “A dream team.”

Sort of ironic, the horse, Mine that Bird,  who came the closest to chasing down the filly, Rachel Alexandra, wouldn’t know what to do if he caught her.